If the child says he does not love. How to be? What to do if the child does not obey Why it is important to eat together and how to lead by example

22.02.2022 Climax

Every mother loves her child very much and tries her best. And suddenly, at one moment, words are heard from a dear little man that he does not love his mother.
Loving a baby isn't hard at all. Fluffy hair, rosy cheeks! If he obeys, does not get smeared, eats and is not picky, does not climb into all places - everyone around is not surprised by such a baby.

But then it suddenly turned out that love is not only a home flower. These are weeds and burdocks, and in large numbers. And every second to show love is not easy. For example, the little one will not fall asleep in any way, and keeps her mother beside herself. Or, he doesn't want to eat, and the whole kitchen is littered with broccoli. When a mother dresses for a long time in a clean, beautiful jumpsuit chosen with such difficulty, and the child immediately rushes into a puddle in front of the house. In times like these, love becomes a little more difficult.
And the baby suddenly suddenly says: “You are no longer a mother! Bad." Mom starts swearing out of fright. Some parents even resort to punishment - they deprive them of watching cartoons, sweets, put them in a corner. How is it to insult a loved one!

And overwhelmed resentment and pain turn to a psychologist. And besides this, women perceive the advice of specialists with difficulty. That is, the advice is that of the two participants in the events, one is an adult, and he is responsible. Mom should say the phrase “I love you!” to any words of the child, including dislike. And if the baby does not perceive them, add: “It’s a pity that you do this, I’m upset. You are good, but the deed is bad."
Psychologists also assure that such phrases about dislike in children do not mean that the child will now abandon his mother and does not need her. Perhaps he heard these words somewhere or just wants to say his desire and hear a reaction in response. In the first case, you need to think about yourself and how to smooth out the consequences of the street, and in the second, try to understand the message. And never punish.
It should be remembered that the child will soon turn into a teenager and it remains to be seen what will happen next. Will he even listen to his mother's words.
If the statements are periodically repeated, then there is reason to think - maybe something unbearable for him is happening in the child's life and it is difficult for him to cope with it. Then it is better to turn to a specialist for help.

Alena Matveets, a pediatric nutritionist-psychologist, a certified representative of the Ellyn Satter Institute, explains.

- Alena, not so long ago Canada released official nutritional recommendations, which for the first time indicate not only the optimal combinations and portions of products, but also give advice to enjoy food. What should parents do to make their child enjoy food? So that food is not a source of stress for him or a way to relieve this stress?

– The most important thing is to follow the principle of division of responsibility in feeding. It seems to me that in those families where there are no problems with food, this principle is followed, this is part of the family culture. And if a parent persuades a child to eat or, on the contrary, strongly succumbs to the fact that the child is begging for some food, he needs to learn the principle of sharing responsibility in feeding.

- Please tell us about him.

“Shared Responsibility in Feeding (I call it SRP for short) was developed over 35 years ago by nutritionist and psychotherapist Ellyn Sutter, who has been working on adult and child eating behavior for several decades and is recognized as a world expert on the subject. This approach is widely accepted around the world, the American Academy of Pediatrics even called it the gold standard of feeding.

A family meal is a process in which both parties have rights and obligations. Not only for the child or not only for the parents, but for both. For brevity: parents answer the questions “What? Where? When?". They decidewhatput on the table, wisely choose the right food, taking into account all the details and nuances. They decidewhereto feed, that is, they organize a table, or it may not be a table, but a snack somewhere, but they decide, not the child. And the parents, not the child, decidewheneat how many times during the day and when it happens. At the same time, parents should have a basic correct understanding of their child: how much food a child of this age needs, how much a child who actively or not so actively moves, and so on (I emphasize, it is a basic understanding. Parents are often exhausted by recommendations about the number of servings, about the fact that a child needs so many servings of protein food, so many carbohydrate foods: this is very disturbing).

Now about the rights of the child. There are two basic rights of a child at the table. First: the child can decide what to eat and what not to eat from what is on the table. Second: the child has the right not to eat at all. He can choose not to eat at all either at that meal, or he can choose not to eat any food at all for as long as he needs to, without any compulsion.

I will add a third point - this is an add-on to the classic principle of PROC: the child can choose in what order to eat. For example: do not encourage the child with dessert, do not hold it like a carrot in front of the nose, but allow this dessert to be eaten when he wants, even if it is at the beginning of the meal. Don't say, "You have to eat the vegetables first, and then you can eat whatever you want." We often, like a robot, set up children that they should eat a certain amount of food in a certain sequence. We take away their freedom, and after that, a lot of problems begin.

Another thing to keep in mind is that all children are very different. Even for the same child, calorie needs can vary by up to 50% on different days. What can we say about different children (even in the same family), how much their needs differ. Not realizing this, parents expect their children to follow some kind of “norms”.

If you follow the principle of division of responsibility in feeding, then everything will gradually level out. Another question is that you first need to change a lot in your attitude to the process of nutrition in order to follow this principle.

- Parents often say that children eat only one kind of product and that if the child is not forced, then he will eat only, conditionally, pasta, or potatoes, or bread. How to be in these situations?

- There is a small percentage of children (2-3% of the general population) who really have a very narrow diet due to certain neurological problems, with developmental features. But we are not considering this case now, but let's talk about the majority.

It's perfectly normal for kids to love potatoes, pasta, and bread, especially between the ages of two and five and during adolescence - during these periods the need for carbohydrates is especially high. It is our task as parents to add some other products to this. But the difficulty with other foods is that, unlike pasta, other foods are often coaxed into eating. Moreover, parents often overestimate how many vegetables or fruits a child should eat, and expect that he will eat more than he actually needs to meet his needs.

When there is pressure at the table, there is a ban on some product, it begins to be even more desirable. Those children most of all want to eat bread, which is given out by the slice; those children most of all beg for sour cream or butter, from which, with an expression of fear in their eyes, mother removes a bowl of sour cream or butter is not ready to offer more than one small piece.

- And how then to diversify the diet of your child? How should other products be offered? Very often, parents insist: "You should try at least a piece." Is this the right approach or is it better not to do this?

Let's start with the fact that you should not go on about the child.

We recall the principle of division of responsibility in feeding: the parent, not the child, decides how to feed the children and the whole family in general. We are at the helm of food for our whole family, and we determine the variety of products that will be on our table. Of course, it is worth considering the interests of the child, it is worth preparing, including what he wants. On certain days, the family may well eat pasta with different fillers.

But if parents cook only what the child wants, then gradually the child will lose the opportunity to try different foods, get used to it. For some reason, people think that a child gets used to some kind of food only if he eats it. In fact, no. There is such a concept of exposure (that is, involvement, familiarization) - you need to see different foods and see that some food that the child is not currently accepting is eaten by other people, especially those adults whom he trusts. Therefore, I highly recommend parents who are faced with the fact that for various reasons a child’s diet begins to narrow (this, by the way, is a common occurrence among children 2-5 years old, and this is an alarming period for parents when a child drastically reduces his list of normally perceived foods , is called "food neophobia"), do not give in and do not put only pasta or only potatoes on the table, but alternate different foods.

It is necessary to accustom the child to the idea that sometimes in the family there will be food that you love, sometimes there will be food that others love more. At the same time, it is important that, in addition to this main dish that you are preparing, there are one or two other products on the table, for the preparation of which you do not need a lot of time and effort. This, for example, can be sliced \u200b\u200bbread and milk, or some kind of bread and peanut butter. Then, if the child does not want the main dish, he will be able to compensate for this.

Parents themselves are ultimately surprised to see that when they remove the obligation from the child to eat this and that, then the children come to the table more calmly. They are ready to first eat what is called safe food for them, and then they can start to taste other dishes a little bit.

The second part of the question is about the “try at least one bite” rule that so many people love. In general, a child is ready for all experiments with food when he feels that he is free, that he owns his body, including his mouth. That he can calmly say “yes” or “no”, ask for supplements, or vice versa, refuse. Problems begin when this right is violated. When we persuade a child, we can achieve a short-term victory, put some piece in his mouth, but at the same time the child will feel that he is not the owner of his body. Therefore, I do not recommend following this principle, since in the long run we can lose much more than we gain.

There are moments, and empathetic parents will feel it if the child is really ready to try new things, but sometimes wants to be persuaded. In this case, I suggest “try at least a piece” and put a so-called spitting plate next to it. If you want, try; if you don't want it, you'll spit it out. If a child calmly goes for it and is ready, he is in such a relationship with his parents, he understands that they do not put pressure on him, this can be done with individual children. But if the child is very sensitive, if it is not habitual for him to spit out and you see that he is upset, then you should not. In the end, he will still try if he sees what his parents are eating. Maybe it will happen in a week, in a month, or maybe in a year. I waited a year and a half for my daughter to start eating my favorite pea puree! Now she wraps it on both cheeks. How many times my husband tried to force her to eat something, and her grandmother tried to persuade her. But I am glad that I managed to contain it, and my daughter started eating it when she was ready for this product.

- You mentioned about 2-3% of children who eat a limited amount of food due to some possible developmental problems. What are the signs that a child may have a problem?

- For example, if the child eats only white foods. For example, he will not eat potatoes, but mashed potatoes, with added milk, he eats, drinks milk, eats white fish or white fish sticks. Or the child eats only pureed food, and other food makes him gag reflexes or even vomiting. The reason here can be both psychological and very much related to the structural features and development of his esophagus. Then you have to deal with the doctor.

There are mental problems, for example, autism: one of its signs is a very strong selectivity in food.

It happens that a child may have a hidden food allergy, which does not manifest itself through a rash, as everyone is used to, but, for example, that he has swelling when he uses a certain product. He cannot say it himself, but he feels discomfort either in the stomach or in the throat.

Another sign of a problem is a child's weight loss. As a rule, children may in a certain period of time grow little or not at all, this happens, for example, in the interval from one to two years and before adolescence. This is a variant of the norm. But if the weight of the child goes down, then something has happened, and we need to figure it out. In general, a very useful thing is to track the height and weight of a child from the very birth. Preferably from the same pediatrician, or independently using the same measuring instruments. And assess the development of the child, comparing it with him, and not with WHO tables or outdated tables, which some pediatricians still use. (By the way, this remark is especially important for those children who do not fall into generally accepted norms - I'm talking about very large (above the 95th percentile) and very small (below the 5th percentile) children, whom district pediatricians often do not care about are recorded in children with obesity or dystrophy, respectively.) If your child eats little, but develops steadily, you see that the curve of his height and weight is steadily going up, most likely this is a variant of the norm specifically for this child.

If there are jumps in weight and height - a very strong acceleration, or vice versa, a slowdown - then this may be a sign of some kind of problem. Or the physical plane, or - this happens much more often - some kind of psychological problem in the family.

Do not buy candy as a reward

- What about sweets? Here, too, the child can determine how much he wants to eat?

- Yes and no. The principle of shared responsibility in feeding applies to all food except sweets. Because most children are very fond of sweets, I can count on the fingers of two hands all the children in my practice who would not like sweets.

And of course, if you give children unlimited sweets every day, it turns out that nutrition in general suffers. If your child is full of cookies and sweets, he will not try green peas at dinner, there is no escape from this.

But on the other hand, we do not live on a desert island, and the task of parents is to prepare children for future more difficult situations in which they will find themselves. For example, we are sitting in a cafe - and this is a difficult situation. As a nutritionist, I know that there are recommendations from the World Health Organization, according to which free sugars - those in juice, sweets, etc. - can make up to 10% of the diet, and this does not pose any threat to health. But in the cafe menu, products containing free sugars are far from 10%. On the contrary, 90 percent of the dishes contain sugar, a lot of sugar.

It turns out that we are surrounded by sugar on all sides. You can't just throw it away and forget it. And besides, it's delicious. So you need skills in dealing with sweets, and you can start simple. First, you don't put sweets on a pedestal. Do not reward with sweets, do not punish with sweets. You do not reward any victories or punish some bad behavior of the child with sweets. For example, if your child has been misbehaving, don't deprive them of the promised cookie if it was planned. Do not buy candy as a reward for learning letters, do not hold out a chocolate bar to distract the baby from a broken knee. By the way, on this occasion it is still very important to agree with grandparents.

Second: you wisely introduce sweets into your daily diet in a limited amount. I suggest giving dessert along with the main meal. But at the same time, allow the child to eat everything in the order in which he wants. I am sure that if someone reads these lines, they will be shocked to learn that I recommend not putting off sweets for the last time, but giving them the opportunity to eat before soup or as a snack, which is often the case. But your child will eat with much more pleasure knowing that he is free.

I emphasize that there should not be a lot of sweets. You don't need to give your child a pack of Kinder or three pieces of cake. We are talking about a very small amount of sweets, for example, two slices of chocolate, one cookie. It could be your child's favorite sweet fruit, or it could be yogurt with honey. It doesn't have to be sweets from the store every time!

This is how you teach your child that dessert is part of your diet, but here you introduce a restriction that we eat sweets in the amount of one serving, without additives. Maybe once a day, twice a day, depending on how it is in your family.

What if the child asks for more?

- Answer what you will give next time. For example, at dinner or tomorrow at lunch.

In addition to the daily dessert, I suggest once a week to give the opportunity to eat some delicious sweet food without restrictions during one of the meals. It can be, for example, a pie that you bake yourself. Maybe you buy something in the store, but here you should choose something of high quality. Put it on the table, sit with your child and enjoy the deliciousness, do not try to limit it, and, by the way, it would be great to add some kind of milk drink, such as milk or kefir, to such a sweet meal or snack - the protein and fat contained in them will help slow down absorption of sugar from sweet food.

These two strategies allow you to slowly de-escalate the sugar cravings, but I don't recommend expecting kids to not enjoy sweets. They always rejoice in the sweet taste, this is normal.

How to understand that a child with sweets is all right? This is when he can ask about him, he can even ask many times if he knows, for example, that there is a gorgeous cake in the refrigerator. But if, after he has eaten this cake, he calmly leaves the table and does not remember, does not beg for more, this means that everything is fine. If the child cannot stop after eating sweets, then something is wrong here.

- Is it necessary to explain to children why it is impossible to add sweets? All other food is allowed, but sweets are not?

The topic of food education for children is generally not an easy one. First, based on the work of the French psychologist-researcher of child thinking, Jean Piaget, I can surprise you with the fact that children under 11-12 years old do not have abstract thinking, and therefore talk with them about all sorts of nutrients, vitamins, trans fats, etc. I do not recommend. A small child does not understand complex concepts, he remembers everything in black and white: here is good, here is bad, and if you tell him that sweet is harmful, bad, and so on, then automatically a child who wants all this may have the thought : turns out I'm bad too if I ate bad. Or: why is it so bad that my mother likes to eat with pleasure? Something is not right here.

It is better to say that there are just different foods, and different foods taste differently and from time to time we eat it and will eat it again.

Here is a sample response to a child's request for French fries, which he once tried in a cafe and now asks every day: “Do you like french fries? I like it too, it's delicious, crispy, someday we'll cook/buy it again. True, we will not eat it every day, but after a while it will be again.

Or, for example, if you want your baby to love some useful product. For example, leafy greens. “This is such a tasty and beautiful vegetable, I will now fill it with oil and put it on the table for dinner, mmmm. Do not you like it? But I love salad, that's how it crunches.

Do not say that some product is useful or harmful, do not go into long explanations about how sugar is broken down in the blood and what this leads to. Better say something like “Yes, this is great food, we eat it, but we also eat other food. We can't just eat dessert." Over time, when the child gets older, asks questions, you can begin to explain various details to him, but please do without horror stories.

I propose to teach the child that there is such food that is eaten more or less than another, at certain moments. For example, bread, fruits and vegetables are eaten every day, they are easy and quick to prepare, and a cake is a festive food, it takes a lot of time to invest in its creation, we prepare it for a birthday and some other family holidays. We do not decorate the Christmas tree every day - and we do not eat cake every day.

How to make sure that the child is used to eating sweets in a certain amount limited by you, if now every meal or watching cartoons is accompanied by a chocolate bar or juice? Take the initiative in your own hands. The sweet that you are going to give, buy in limited quantities. Children should not have the understanding that the locker is full of sweets. The most difficult age is from the age of 4, when children already perfectly understand what lies there. But children will be able to accept this if you do not constantly limit sweets. If there are "sweet days" when dessert can be eaten in unlimited quantities. If you do not stand like a kite over children at children's birthdays.

Why it is important to eat together and how to lead by example

- And how to negotiate with grandmothers? This is a common problem: mom asks not to give sweets, and grandma or grandpa secretly give ...

“Oh, this is the hardest part. Sometimes parents choose to ignore this issue, just not to spoil relations with relatives, sometimes they argue, quarrel, "but things are still there." It all depends on your relationship, the level of readiness of relatives for change and how often the child is in another family. If rarely, relax. The most important example of sweets and any other food that will be incorporated into your child is the one that he receives daily from you.

If grandparents are actively involved in raising a child and overwhelm him with sweets, and you see that this has a very bad effect on the balance of nutrition, try holding a family council without a child. Try to explain how important it is for children to get used to a variety of foods, not just sweets - this is a lifelong skill, and fruits and vegetables will come in handy for modern children, because, unlike previous generations, they are likely to move much less, and sugar is much more accessible to them. Discuss with relatives what other gifts they can give to children - after all, often older people use sweets as the only accessible and understandable option for them to please their beloved grandson or granddaughter and do not realize how much more a child can please a set of stickers, a joint trip to the cinema or a walk in the park on scooters.

Of course, I will not give a uniquely working recipe. But I am sure that the older generation should be approached with this issue carefully, understanding that sweet for them is the “language of love” known to them since childhood, and you just need to help them, gently push them to other languages.

- Another important question that concerns family nutrition: is it really so important to eat with children? I've seen studies that talk about the importance of family meals: kids who eat with their family at least once a day do better in school, have more friends, and so on. But how to implement this in the conditions that we live in a big city, where dad comes late from work? Is it worth striving for? Or can you relax and once a week all sit down at the table together?

- As a child, I read the book “Hello, squirrel! How are you, crocodile? It's about watching animals, and there was this example: a monkey in a zoo stopped eating tomatoes. Then another monkey was placed in a cage with this monkey. Another monkey loves tomatoes, he starts eating, smacking his lips. When the first monkey hears this, he starts eating tomatoes again. And we are also those monkeys. It is very important for all children who eat poorly to relieve pressure - but at the same time lead by example. For example, no words can convince a child that some product is delicious, more than mom and dad, who chew this product with pleasure every day. Children check us: “You talk, talk, and I watch how you really do it.” Or “You say you need to go in for sports, eat less sweets, but you yourself sit, watch TV and rustle with candy.”

Everything related to nutrition, the process of sharing meals, is very important for the development and social well-being of our children. I can’t name a single thing as significant, except maybe playing sports together, which would have such a strong impact on well-being in all areas - emotional, mental, physical. Joint sports and joint meals, firstly, unite, and secondly, an example, a lesson is given, a structure is laid. So that your child, having gone somewhere to study at the age of 17-18, does not face the situation that he cannot buy anything but chips, does not know how to choose and cook vegetables, how to plan a diet. These are very important lessons that are not taught in school.

Children do not learn when you try to tell a five-year-old something about the importance of vitamins. No, you just consistently eat certain foods with pleasure, and your child learns: "Mom loves tomatoes, beans and brown bread, there must be something in them."

By the way, I’ll add about those studies that you mentioned: after all, they are talking about the fact that not once a week, but every day, at least once a day, the family ate together. The study compared two groups of families in which absolutely identical other factors, this is an important point. Only some have joint meals, while others all eat at different times. And in the first family, children have significantly better school performance, and most importantly, a much stronger sense of themselves as a significant member of their family, part of society as a whole.

Family meals, starting at a certain age, often become for many parents and children the only time and place where they can talk about something. Because the older the child, the more interests he has, the more secrets from his parents. If he gets used to it from a very young age that it is good and safe at the table, then this is the reason that unites everyone at least once a day, and ideally even two or three, it happens in different ways. So it is definitely important for the family to eat together and it is worth striving for this.

How to make it easier and easier? Plan a menu. Discuss what you will cook with children from a certain age, give them the opportunity to buy and cook different dishes with you. Do not lay out food in advance for everyone separately on plates, but put it on the table so that everyone has the opportunity to put as much as they want and what they want. Teach children that they participate in absolutely all processes. By the way, it perfectly develops even the smallest children. You can safely instruct a two-year-old to tear a salad with your hands or lay out spoons, and an older child to participate in more complex processes. In the kitchen, in general, fine motor skills, and large motor skills, and social skills develop perfectly: how to negotiate, ask to transfer some tool, product or utensils, and so on. And of course, we do not put pressure on children, we do not force them to eat anything, we do not expect the fulfillment of any standards regarding the size of portions (remember about PROK!). But on the other hand, we strictly demand that everyone gather at the table on time, behave in such a way that everyone would be pleased to be here, and do not make food or children the center of attention during meals. Believe me, everyone will eat with more pleasure if, instead of discussing “broccoli that the youngest doesn’t want to eat,” you discuss a recent trip to the park or an upcoming birthday.

Oh yes, and more. Cook easier! This is a very important point, especially for perfectionist hostesses. Efforts should be invested in getting together at the table, and not in preparing a complex dish for every meal. Mothers who suffer because the child did not eat something often worry because they spent a lot of time and effort on this. It is better to let it be a simple meal, but you will sit relaxed at the table and talk with your child about how the day went.

Finally: do not expect from a child that he will immediately be like an adult. The skills of understanding how much food you need to get enough, to eat quickly or slowly, how to behave adequately at the table, how to use a fork and knife - these skills are gradually developed, just like the skills of reading, writing, speaking and whatever. Many parents expect that already three years old, since he can hold a spoon or fork in his hands for some time, he should be able to do all this automatically. No, lower your expectations and there will be more fun just because your child is learning and will definitely learn one day. The main thing is your positive, relaxed and calm example before your eyes.

Parents often face a problem when children do not want to do housework. This often causes scandals, deterioration of relations between relatives. If the child does not want to do homework, the advice of a psychologist will help to cope with this difficult task.

Why does the child not want to do homework?

Parents often hear from their children that they do not want to do their homework. In this case, do not panic and scold the child. You should talk to him and try to find out what is the reason for this behavior. Only then think about how to motivate the child, set him a working mood.

If a girl or boy does not want to do homework, the reasons may be as follows:

Banal laziness. Don't confuse it with lack of interest. There are times when a person by nature has a similar trait, so he is not drawn in for a long time by any occupation. If you see that the kid is fond of some processes for a long time, then it’s not laziness, but simply a lack of craving for new knowledge.
Fear of failure. Often a child refuses to do homework because he is afraid of doing something wrong. This is possible if one day the parent punished for the incorrect solution of a particular problem, or the teacher reprimanded the whole class for mistakes.
Poor subject matter. It often happens that the point is not laziness or lack of interest, but the fact that children simply do not understand how to cope with tasks. In this case, they especially need help, since insufficient mastering of a topic prevents them from moving on.
Lack of attention from parents. Showing his character, the child tries to attract mom and dad, to evoke at least some emotions in them, even negative ones. Typically, such a development of events is observed in families where parents are constantly working and little involved in children.

After identifying the reasons for not doing homework, think about how to teach your child to do homework on their own and instill an interest in learning. This will help the advice of psychologists. If you are unable to solve the problem on your own, seek professional help. He will recommend how to behave properly with children while doing homework.

If parents are faced with a problem when a son or daughter refuses to complete the lessons, immediate action should be taken. In no case should you leave everything as it is. Perhaps your child has every opportunity to successfully learn new things, but something prevents him from doing this.

It is important for you to identify the reason for the refusal and take a closer look at the following recommendations.

Motivate and support

If a child does not want to do homework, they may lack interest and motivation. Try to captivate him, show that performing certain tasks is not as boring and gray as it seems at first glance. Try to turn the learning process into an exciting game, and not into ordinary writing, reading, and so on.

Show your child that you are interested in doing homework with him, that you are interested in his success and are always ready to help him cope with any difficulties. Parental support is very important for children. Help your child achieve their goals, show your care and love.

Reward Success

A good way to teach a child to do homework on his own is to encourage his achievements in school. Many parents actively practice this. After all, it is much more interesting for children to do something, knowing that in return they will receive a gift. Project the situation on yourself - after all, you also work not just like that, but for wages. This motivates you, so why not give incentives to your child?

Psychologists advise choosing the following as praise:

joint games;
a walk to the movies;
a trip to the water park;
purchase of a board or other game;
the opportunity to go to the playground for half an hour longer;
skating.

This list can be continued for a long time.

Rewards must be fair. To fulfill the promise, the parent must receive the result. But at the same time, you should not deprive gifts if the children tried, but small mistakes were made.

Psychologists strongly advise against choosing cash as incentives. Many parents have found an easy way for themselves - to give money for completed tasks or for positive grades. They believe that they strongly motivate children.

In fact, this is a road to nowhere. Over time, there will be more homework, and the child's appetites will begin to grow. As a result, you will suffer financial ruin. In addition, in this way you will teach your child to value the material side most of all, which will negatively affect his life in adulthood.

Be Patient

Be tolerant of your children - this is another good advice from a psychologist if the child does not want to do homework. Doing a task with children is a really difficult task. But this is not a reason to break down on them, to show them your displeasure. After all, even they show patience when they sit down for lessons. They do not succeed, not all topics are well absorbed. But if you are more tolerant, show that not everything is as bad as it seems, then the child will take an example from you.

Just understand that studying is real work, with ups and downs. If you help children, they will be able to acquire new knowledge, skills, get to know this world better, and discover a lot of interesting things for themselves. After all, for them, it is their parents who are the closest and most faithful comrades.

Time and place for lessons

When looking for a way to get your child to do homework on their own, do not forget that time and place play a big role in the workflow. It is important to organize everything correctly so that it is convenient for children to study, and nothing distracts them.

Psychologists advise the following:

Keep track of homework time. The optimal period is from 16 to 18 hours. It is not worth starting lessons immediately after school, the child should eat and rest, for example, go for a walk or sleep.
Do not overload with too long exercises. The duration of the preparation of assignments depends on the age of the student. For a first grader, it should not exceed an hour.
Start from simple to complex task. Choose first what the child can easily cope with, what will give him pleasure. This will help to get involved in the work process better and faster, will allow you to get positive emotions, to believe in your own strength.
Alternate work and rest. It is important to periodically break away from the lessons for a few minutes. It is recommended to spend breaks not on TV, phone and games, but on a physical education minute. A few simple exercises will help relieve stress and fatigue.
Properly organize your workspace. The table and chair should be selected taking into account the height of the child so that it is as comfortable as possible for him to sit. It is also important to provide good lighting in the room to avoid eye strain. All supplies needed for study should always be at hand.
Eliminate distractions. Complete silence will help the student concentrate on the work. Therefore, no TVs, tape recorders, telephones.

Do not sit with your child during the entire time while he is preparing homework. Give him freedom - under constant control it will be difficult for him to relax, to think about the task. But regularly approach him, take an interest in business, help if he needs it.

Parenting Mistakes

Parents often make mistakes when faced with the problem that the child does not want to do homework in 2 or another grade. Because of them, they fail to achieve the desired result, the situation only gets worse. Psychologists name several main points of the wrong behavior of mothers and fathers.

Do not do homework for your child

This error is extremely common. Parents are finding a quick and easy way to solve problems with unfinished homework is to do it all on their own. This approach is strongly discouraged! Otherwise, from early childhood, you will teach children that you don’t need to strain, anyway, mom will do it herself, all that remains is to rewrite it beautifully.

Moreover, this habit in the future will be applied not only to lessons, but also to other work. Children will think that everything can be achieved at the expense of other people. You definitely won’t be able to accustom a child to independence by such behavior.

Don't Compare

Never compare your child to other children. Each person develops at their own pace. Some manage to easily cope with their studies, the second face difficulties, and the third are completely brilliant people, for whom the process of gaining knowledge is quite a common and simple thing.

Assess your child's abilities objectively. He should not be better, more successful than someone. It is enough for his development to be normal. It is not necessary, looking at other children, to try to make a young genius out of your child. You should not try to cram in as much information as he simply cannot absorb, and then scold him for failures.

You will not be able to make an excellent student out of a child if he does not learn certain topics well. After all, it is not always a matter of laziness or unwillingness to learn. It happens that children simply cannot understand certain tasks and rules.

For example, it often happens that people with a mathematical mindset do not have success in the Russian language, literature, history and other humanities. But they excel in algebra, physics, chemistry. Conversely, the humanities do poorly in the exact disciplines.

Don't go screaming

Many parents believe that the acceptable way to get children to do homework is to show their own advantage over them. To achieve this goal, they use a cry or physical impact. This is a big mistake.

Only praise, affection, encouragement will help to achieve success. If you raise your voice, humiliate children, call them names, then you will get nothing but resentment.

Don't punish bad grades

For parents, the assessment of the child is very important, they are given too much attention. Every mother wants her children to be better than the rest, to earn high scores. Therefore, it is extremely unpleasant to hear that they got bad grades, did their homework incorrectly, or misbehaved at school.

Remember that good grades are far from the most important thing in life. Do not force the child to chase after them. Just talk to your child, calmly explain that the knowledge gained will help him in the future, so it is important to make an effort when mastering the material.

conclusions

Listen to the advice of a psychologist described above if your child refuses to do homework. Do not make mistakes, teach children to be independent, but always support and help them. Remember that for them, learning is a complex process where it is not always possible to succeed. And only you can direct the child in the right direction and instill an interest in obtaining new knowledge.

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All mothers are angry with children's tantrums. They all get tired and break down on loved ones. And everyone is worried about trifles. And Larisa Surkova lives in harmony with herself and knows how to find a common language with children, and them - for a minute! - five. The thing is that Larisa is a well-known psychologist, coach, and author of books. She knows what lies behind children's tantrums and whims, whether it is possible to make children obey, and what tricks help mom not go crazy from such a beautiful, but such an exhausting phenomenon as motherhood.

It is useless to talk about self-love, relaxation .... Because the women themselves are the first to shout: it is impossible. Maybe. Let's look at the options.

Rest is a change of activity, it can be short. Change the little things every day. One day we walk with the stroller to the left, and the other - to the right.
Movement - any: a little squats, with a child to do a special exercise, fitball or yoga.
Know how to stop time. Let's try now? Your task is to put down the phone, close your eyes and imagine, for example, an orange. You clean it, the juice flows, and the taste is sour! This may take 3-5 seconds, but allows you to reload in a moment.

Tip number 2: Parents are almost always to blame for the whims and tantrums of children

Hysteria is a powerful emotional attack aimed at the release of certain experiences. It quickly passes without attentive eyes and attempts to calm. What else is important: hysteria is unloading. 5-10 minutes at the age of 4-5 years old can be allowed to scream, and crying for a longer time can lead to problems.

What to do?

The best fight is prevention. If the day was rich in emotions, bathe the child, put him to bed earlier. If you know that tantrums happen at the mall, stop taking your child there.
The audience is hysterical. Let the child be one, the closest person. Don't say anything, stay close. After 2-3 minutes, start speaking quietly and firmly, trying to switch your attention.
Distracting is difficult, but you can try. You can say what prompts action: go, see, change the situation.
Loneliness. After 2 years in a familiar environment, you can leave the child alone for the number of minutes corresponding to the age of the child: 2 years - 2 minutes.
Control yourself. Remember: it’s hard for a baby, he grows, changes, hysteria is caused by the fact that a small person simply does not know how to live with a stream of emotions.

Almost always, parents are to blame for children's tantrums and whims. We first allow the child to do everything, and then suddenly we begin to educate him. One of the factors of capricious behavior is the discrepancy between the positions of mom and dad. This gives rise to internal anxiety in the child's body, he tries to establish comfortable rules of life by manipulation - hysteria.

Tip #3: Preschoolers just don't know how to do things to spite you.

“He does me out of spite!”, “I don’t understand what he wants from me”, “He just likes to get me!” - how often you can hear complaints from parents, especially if the child is 1-5 years old. What could be the reasons?

In this matter, your child is your reflection. Are you sad, scared, have no money, are you angry, had a fight with your spouse? The child will mirror you, which means... Right! Annoy you even more! Please, always start the analysis of the behavior of a child under the age of 5 with yourself and your emotions. The child only shouts to you: “Mommy, I understand you, I support you!” Only, of course, we do not want such support.
The child does not feel well physically. It is difficult for children to describe this, even those who can speak. They will just whine and, as you think, harass you. Try to hug, pity, caress.
Wants attention. When “not up to it” today, tomorrow and in a week, it all adds up. And the child's patience is running out. So invented by nature that he is the center of the universe. And he does not understand and will never understand why your affairs are more important and necessary.
You taught him how to communicate. If a child raises his voice, he will also learn to do so. If you are always happy with him, then he will be happy with you. Everything is simple.

If you don't know at all what to do and how to cope, sit next to me and be quiet... You know, this is my favorite method. No need to blame yourself at this moment or fall into hysterics. Just wait silently. You are not to blame, you just do not understand, and this is normal, because you and he are different people.

The child should be able to observe different emotions. Scream as the highest form of demonstration of anger is normal. It's not normal when anger is a chronic emotion. And here it is necessary to understand and help yourself. A very important point: I do not encourage yelling at children! I'm talking about something else and very important:

It hurts - cry.
Funny - laugh.
Get angry - scream.

But let your child do the same. Without the phrases “It doesn’t hurt, don’t whine”, “There’s nothing funny about it”, “Don’t yell! Think I threw away your craft! The prohibition to show emotions to yourself and children leads only to the suppression of feelings. This causes psychosomatic illnesses, apathetic and depressive states, as well as hypertrophied manifestations of feelings, when they were suppressed for a long time, and as a result, the child only starts screaming, and this is his form of communication.

Tip number 5: A child, like any person, should know the boundaries of what is permitted.

Imagine: you are thrown onto an unknown island and they say: "Do whatever you want." But do not report local laws. You can also be eaten, if that. And it's even harder for a child. After all, he is a clean slate.

What is important when delineating frames:

They must be age appropriate. At 2 years old, a long text from you is a suspicion that mom wants to talk about something, but it’s not clear what.
You have to be consistent. If you are walking through the park in the heat and to the call: "Ma-a-a-am, I want ice cream" - you immediately said: "No", then stand your ground. Otherwise, when you yell in response: “Yes, you have two, just shut up,” the child’s mind will quickly click: “You must remember that hysteria leads to what you want.”
The child does not know in advance what is good and what is bad. And do not give him a slap on the back of the head for what he said about your girlfriend: “Wow, how fat!” After all, he did not know that it was impossible, he learns everything through stuffing cones.

Tip number 6: Rules should apply not only to the baby, but to the whole family

Every day I get requests for a list of how to stop yelling and hitting children. There are basic points, for everyone, and there are individual ones. But in any case, the key word is "we".

We always apologize to the child for our inappropriate behavior. So he learns to analyze his actions, and we begin to sin less often.
We talk about feelings in the family. Not only to the child or children, but also to each other. You have no idea what words of love mean for a child of any age, as well as the realization that parents love each other.
At the family council, we choose stop words. These are the words that each member of the family can say if the other one is carried away.
We do not go to bed in a quarrel and we definitely create a family ritual before going to bed: we rub our noses, hug, and so on.
Whatever happens in our life, we go with it to the family. Together we can handle everything.

Tip #7: Knowing A Few Psychological Techniques Helps You Cope With Your Child's Illness More Easily

A lot depends on our condition. Here is my algorithm if kids get sick:

I take a break for 3-5 minutes and do auto-training. I tell myself it's not scary.
I turn on the "calm face mode". This is very important for the child's recovery.
No dancing around him: "Oh, child, eat this!", "Here's a sweetie and darkness cartoons." This is how we show that being sick is good and profitable.
We make plans for what will happen when he recovers: what we will do, where we will go.
Look at the disease objectively. No need to die with the child because of every cold. This is important to him. We are adults, and we have to be strong and solve our problems for the sake of children.

Tip number 8. Do not burden the life of your son or daughter with your fears and anxieties

In order not to project your fears and complexes onto the child, it is best to get rid of them. When people are preparing for pregnancy, they go through a large number of doctors, take tests, but I think that visiting a psychologist is no less important. But, unfortunately, nobody does it.

As soon as you start to panic, take a paper and a pen and write: "My psychos are worsening my child's condition right now." As in school, in working on mistakes, write as many times as it is written. Has faith come? We stop writing.

Tip #9: Trust Between Children and Adults Matters Most

Trust is not laxity, not permissiveness, not weakness on the part of parents. This is the understanding that if your child ever needs help, he will come to you.

What kills trust?

Aggression on the part of adults, unfounded accusations against the child, especially based on the words of other adults.
Deception on the part of parents, especially if you "take back" the promise you made earlier.
Lack of answers to children's questions. For example: “Mom, why are you sad?” and the answer: "It doesn't matter" or "I'm not sad." You can say, "Honey, I'm just a little tired at work." So you show that you need to share everything that happens.