He got married, one might say in the hussar style. Dating, candy-bouquet period, sex, application and wedding. All this took 1 month. We can say that only after the wedding he began to take a closer look at his wife.

The girl is young, always laughing, jumping, in general, “the wind is in her head.” And he’s 8 years older than her. She immediately dubbed me “old and sick.” Why "old?" I still can't understand it. I was only 25 years old then. And “sick” - that’s what she decided, since she didn’t get pregnant right away from me. I wandered to different clinics, took a bunch of incomprehensible tests. The doctors diagnosed him: healthy!

I couldn't understand anything. Why doesn't she get pregnant? After all, I tried so hard almost every day. And then I found birth control pills in her locker. It turns out that she drank them secretly from me every time she was with me. I showed it to her, and she was hysterical. Like, I put so much pressure on her. She called me sick “as a joke,” and I fell for it. Then she got a job in a military unit. Every morning, before leaving the house, I twirled in front of the mirror, put on the shortest dresses and high heels. And she kept joking again that only women worked there in their unit. There are no men, no one is looking at her. And she spins around in front of the mirror, so that the girls envy her what a good figure she has.

I didn’t believe a single word she said, but I remained silent. Tried to save the marriage. I was ashamed of myself in front of my parents and relatives. And then my wife comes home one evening and tells me with a smile that tomorrow they will have a corporate party in their unit. The whole team will go for a ride on a river bus. There will be a buffet and dancing. She would, of course, take me with her. But I still don’t know anyone,” at the same time, the wife sweetly lowered her eyes to the floor. She kissed my forehead and she went to get ready for tomorrow's party.

What happened at that party I can only imagine in my head. As a result, my wife did not come home to spend the night. I showed up only early in the morning to change clothes and go to work. She was all some kind of mint, disheveled and drunk. It's not a pleasant sight. After kissing my ear, she went to the bath. There was not even a hint of guilt in front of me in her eyes. There was only fatigue. I didn’t say anything to her, but thought to myself: “I’m a complete fool.”

Doesn't she understand that marriage is sacred? This is family, it should be cherished. I decided to take revenge on her so that she would feel at least a little bit what I feel. I decided to cheat on her. Do it out of spite, do it hurt. Although my soul resisted this. I always wanted to have a friendly and strong family.

Just me and her and our children. And then this happened to me. But still, I decided to teach her a lesson. I’m a man, in the end, it won’t be enough for me. I worked in a large team, we had many wonderful women and girls. So it wasn’t difficult for me to find a girlfriend for myself. The girl couldn’t even believe her ears when I invited her to sit with me in the park. Suddenly, I felt very light and happy. My interlocutor turned out to be a very nice girl. We developed a very warm relationship with her. Some time after work I enjoyed spending time at her house. The only thing is that we didn’t tell her parents that I was married. Otherwise, I think there would not have been such a warm welcome from her relatives.

We met quite often. We walked together with her dog, went to the park for walks. And I was always afraid to see the question in her eyes: “What have you decided, man?” I still live in 2 houses, but I really don’t want to deceive anyone.

Why am I cheating on my wife?
I always know where my wife is.
I always know how much time I have for intrigue.
I always have a thought out explanation of where I am and with whom.
Before that part of the intrigue, when I can’t pick up the phone, I call my wife myself and ask how she’s doing. After that, I wait 5-10 minutes, in case she remembers something she forgot to tell me and calls me back.
My secretary answers my wife’s call that I left and calls me back. I call my wife myself and say that I was leaving.
The women I date know about my married status and treat it with understanding. Even if before that they said that they were categorically against dating a married man. Women with claims to something else are not considered initially (this is immediately obvious).
I am very careful, because my family well-being is on the scale. That's why I don't have drunken adventures. Firstly, this is bestiality, and secondly, it interferes with the functioning of the brain. I always accurately calculate each of my next steps. I look back to see if I have forgotten or overlooked something. I am very picky, I carefully examine myself, my clothes, my car, and pay attention to smells.

I can't help but change. I can't just sit at home in front of my wife. This kind of life is boring and insipid to me. And I don’t trust men who live with one woman all their lives and don’t cheat on her, or at least don’t dream of doing so.

Perhaps someone will think, why did I get married at all? I would live in peace and meet whoever I wanted. But no, did you get married for some reason? I don't know, I can't explain it clearly. I tried it. There was even a period when there was a new woman every day of the week, with a break for the weekend. But you get tired of it and it stops bringing pleasure and satisfaction. Apathy and fatigue appear.

In a married status, it’s the other way around. There is no need for a constantly large number of women. But those moments that you manage to “steal” from your family and spend them on another - they are valued a thousand times more, the sensations are a thousand times brighter. Apparently adrenaline adds spice to emotions.

All that said, I really love my wife. My wife is the person I truly intend to spend the rest of my life with. A wife is a beloved partner, the closest like-minded person. My wife is what I cannot lose.

But cheating is something that prevents me from turning into an ordinary boring husband, with whom you sleep under different blankets, who can fall asleep without you, with whom you can go to visit mutual friends and who does not have any sparkles in his eyes and new ones. ideas. In whose gait one does not feel a predatory beast and at whom women do not turn around.

A man who does not cheat is abnormal. Try to dissuade me of this.

Photo from the Internet

I managed to move away and calm down after several dozen infidelities of my already unloved wife in nine months. It took another three months to somehow bring together all the methods of getting rid of emotions and feelings associated with betrayal.

There was trust between us

She didn’t nag me when I joked with female work colleagues and returned from fishing a day after the appointed time. So I didn’t get discouraged when a boss or just an acquaintance kissed her hand in my presence, didn’t forbid her to dress beautifully and sexy, allowed her to hang out in the company of her friends, among whom, it’s important to note, there were both girls and guys. All those guys they had been with since school.

Instead of engaging in mutual torment with jealousy and losing our minds at the slightest thought that someone could become the third in our couple, we were simply an ideal couple - we walked, watched movies, read, discussed books and all sorts of modern news. We talked and talked about the meaning of life and the essence of love. In short, everything that happened later simply killed me with its incredibleness, the wildness of the situation and terrible cynicism.

Honestly? I wanted to kill.

I could not even think about the fact that she had been cheating on me for two years and could not even imagine it in my worst fantasy. But a fact is a fact. I punched the first friend who expressed his timid “You know...”, and I broke off relations with the second. After the third person told me one clear fact, I began to think.

I made peace with the guys, said that I was furious with such statements, and asked them to tell me more. They agreed to forgive me - this is the advantage of male friendship.

What I learned next is beyond description. She cheated on me for two years, which for me were filled with love and the most sincere human relationships. The number of partners with whom she managed to hook up and break up is difficult to calculate. I know of 17 cases. It's strange that this didn't come up earlier, but the facts are reliable. My now ex-wife confirmed this to me - she simply said that she didn’t want me to know everything, she said that she loved me, she said that she felt good and comfortable in all respects. In every way, you know? And she didn’t say a word about the reasons for the betrayal.

And, to be honest, I wanted to kill - just to pay for the cynical act, first with her, then with most of her partners. And then go to jail. It seems to me that they would understand me there. True, I never decided to do this. Still, the main thing in life is a cool mind and sober calculation.

I just kicked her out. From the apartment, from the passport and from the finger of the right hand. Kicked out of my life. And then came the nights after the divorce, and I didn't know how to get through it all.

The main thing is trust

The first point is to erase the memory of life together. I cleared the apartment of everything we had acquired together that reminded us of her: I bought new dishes (to hell with those cute bowls with the inscriptions “He” and “She”), took down the pictures, changed the carpet she chose, repainted the bathroom. Great. Now - photos, videos and other scraps of memory. Photos together, cute pictures on the wall and, most importantly, correspondence. Don’t be afraid to click “Delete” and send several kilometers of tiny messages to the cesspool of the Internet.

Made. It seems that everything - now instead of love, which suddenly became hatred, there is an empty hole in the heart and head. This happens when after a holiday you can’t remember the last two days, but you realize that you did something wrong.

Meet with your best friend or at least your best buddy - talk about the situation, talk it out completely, open up and empty all the dirt and pain that has accumulated in your soul. It’s good if it’s a friend who knows you from kindergarten, school or the army. It’s better for women not to tell - in this case there are too many variables in the equation and no one knows what such a frank conversation will lead to.

The most important thing is not to drown your sadness in alcohol. Drinking that lasts more than one evening will not change anything at all, and a whole piece of the rest of a happy life with the traitor crossed out of it will remain in the memory of a hangover.

When I'm left alone

When I was left alone, I saw that almost all the ways to relax, have fun, or, conversely, engage in self-development, were invented for single men. Seriously - gyms, foreign language courses, stadiums, deep forests where you can calmly take a walk and think about your own thoughts. Even the camera viewfinder and books on financial literacy and male etiquette are all for singles. And I took advantage of this, deciding to become much better than I was. Obviously, I didn't forget about the breakup for a second, but it gave me a serious push to become a better person, to work on myself.

As a result, after six months, my already satisfactory salary doubled, my English allowed me to communicate with girls in Thailand so that we both understood where everything was going, and life acquired a clear schedule and a clear goal.

There will still be women

Just don’t worry, guys, if your girlfriend turns up “suddenly.” There is no need to deny love - that same woman will happen to you. It's like a train moving when you think you've already arrived at the depot, but, in fact, you just stopped at the stop. There will still be a destination with a warm hearth and truly loving eyes opposite. Just don’t raise your hand to a woman - it’s not worth it under any circumstances.

Losing a loved one is easy, but regaining an emotional connection or finding an equally strong new one is not the easiest task. Perhaps you shouldn’t be a hero and try to figure out a problem on your own that seems unsolvable to you. We offer you professional help from psychologists from the Center for Successful Relationships. You send us your story, and we publish it with expert comments. In order for us to better understand the essence of the problem, please send as detailed (of course, as appropriate for you personally) stories. And we will do everything possible to ensure that good mood, harmony and peace return to your home. The anonymity of letters is guaranteed.

We are waiting for your letters at [email protected]. To prevent your letter from getting lost, please indicate “My Story” in the subject line.

Today we are publishing a letter from a reader who made a mistake and lost his family, but realized that he wants to return to his relationship with his wife. Is it possible?

My wife and I were married for almost 15 years, 13 of which were quite happy. After 7 years of marriage, children appeared, very desired and long-awaited, we moved to a new home, live and be happy. But behind the external well-being, problems were hidden, constant irritation began to appear, and alienation began to grow. And, alas, I chose the worst of the options: I went left and ended up in a very difficult relationship. Added to the infidelity was a huge amount of dirt. My wife put up with this for a very long time, I left, came back, continued the relationship, trying to hide it. In the end, the wife could not stand it and filed for divorce. So almost 2 years ago a divorce stamp appeared, which I really didn’t want, despite the fact that it was a logical ending. But nevertheless, I spent and continue to spend a lot of time with the children, I see them almost every day, I regularly pay child support, I left the apartment and moved into my parents’ apartment. And I tried to start a new life, relationships appeared, but in the end I ran away, hurting those I was running away from. The last such relationship lasted about a year, even some plans were made for the future, but recently I realized that the girl did not succeed in replacing my ex-wife, and that I think that someday I will return to her.

It should be noted that the ex-wife has not yet gotten over the breakup either. The children and she still suffer that she cannot forgive what I did: at the same time, it slips in from time to time - maybe someday this will pass and we, again, maybe will be reunited. I understand that this is an element of manipulation, but I try to be tolerant of her attacks.

After the last break, emptiness appeared. I crossed out the new things that began to appear with the person who loved me with all my circumstances, and I have no idea what to do with the old ones, whether something is possible there. If only because the ex-wife does not understand: in addition to what served as a natural reason for the divorce, there were also obvious prerequisites for this, for which we both bear responsibility. But when it comes to this, the conversation ends with the fact that we got divorced, live and be happy that you got rid of your bad wife.

I don’t want to start another new relationship, and from the one that just ended I received another guilt complex, so I’m even afraid. And I don't know what to do.

Oksana Blank, practicing psychologist at the Center for Successful Relationships:

Are you able to live in the present? Do you enjoy what happens to you? Or are you often looking for something better?

You already see this scenario yourself - the destruction of relationships occurs almost the same way, you devalue what is happening to you in the current moment. You try to return to the past or hope for the future, but the present becomes something insignificant.

Is it possible that relationships are a way for you to escape from yourself, from your own experiences? Even when you say “tried to start a new life,” it turns out that you mean “new relationships appeared.”

Will you find a woman like your wife, will the same relationship appear - most likely not. And from what you say, it also becomes clear that, most likely, the restoration of your past family will not happen, at least as long as there are so many unanswered questions.

Legally, your divorce has occurred, but your emotional separation has not. With your ex-wife, you continue to live in the past, express complaints to each other, remember something, work through mutual experiences. And it looks like you continue to resolve issues as spouses, not as parents.

And it is very important for you to be in this connection. It probably hasn't been long enough to really get over it.

But it is precisely this situation that does not allow you to move on, because there is always a comparison with something in the past, a refraction of the situation through what once was, fantasies. As a rule, in this case, a person feels emptiness, loss of time, hopelessness, apathy, lack of energy and development. This leads to a person being dissatisfied with himself.

The best way for you now is not to start a new relationship. Until you figure out what you want to achieve, until you build a relationship with your ex-wife so that it does not bring you worries, most likely, your new relationship will develop according to the same scenario, which will only strengthen your guilt complex, you again have you will feel like you have used someone.

Any breakup is a loss, and loss is something that needs to be experienced, something that needs to be dealt with. I definitely recommend contacting a specialist, because it’s hard to cope with loss on your own. It doesn’t matter whether you are a man or a woman, sometimes everything is so confusing that there is no way out, and at the same time everything seems unambiguous, you give one-sided assessments. For example, you give yourself an unambiguous assessment of “destroyer,” but you are not the only one to blame for the fact that your relationship is being destroyed.

Try to find support outside of relationships. They will not bring positivity into your life now.

Look for resources in your career, in your favorite hobbies, in communicating with your children. Look for resources that will help you feel the value of the present, rather than living in the future.

When you can only gain the fullness of life through another person, it is very difficult to achieve something real.

Oksana Blank, psychologist

"Center for Successful Relationships" (Psycenter.by)