As shown by numerous studies in different countries of the world, which were conducted by psychologists, physiologists, and sexologists, a romantic passion usually lasts one to two years. And if falling in love during this period of time does not take on the features of true love, then young people will soon feel that they no longer experience an amazing feeling of falling in love, that "love is dead." In fact, there was no love. Temporary infatuation was mistaken for true love.

It's been that way for a long time

The reason for this is not us, not the gods:

We are all destined to fall in love

But few are given to love.

Love, love - two sisters.

Like twins, they are similar.

Alas, not everyone in life can

Learn about their different traits.

Suddenly the heart will tremble, the blood will flash,

And instantly in a happy illumination

We take for love

Blind love moments.

Don't say you're cold

That everything passes, no matter how bitter ...

Who fell out of love - he did not love.

He was in love. In love. But only.

Mikhail Palievskiy

When romantic love "expires", the couple descend from transcendental heights into the real world. They begin to see a whole range of shortcomings in a life partner, shortcomings that they did not notice or did not attach importance to before. Suddenly, to their great regret, they find out that some of these shortcomings are very "get on the nerves." Those little flaws that seemed almost merits in a lover can now simply terrify. It seems to husband and wife that "love is leaving."

Unfortunately, many spouses during this period of development of family relationships come to the false opinion that they made a mistake in their choice, that they were betrayed (“But he said (said) that he loves!”).

And they begin to quarrel with those whom they recently admired, not realizing that there was no love yet, there was only love. They complain that they "do not feel love anymore" and consider this reason enough to break up.

True love, of course, in families really exists. The trouble is that people mistake for love what in fact often turns out to be short-lived love. Many mistakenly believe that love automatically comes during a romantic relationship and remains forever after performing a certain ritual, for example, pronouncing the words “agree” (“agree”) in the registry office. Despite the fact that there are many emotions in falling in love, love is a feeling more than emotions.

Priest Ilya Shugaev notes several characteristic signs of falling in love:

1. selfishness. A man in love (not loving, but in love!) thinks, first of all, about himself, about his feelings.

2. fall in love with something. They fall in love with a beautiful face, beautiful eyes, a slender figure; in a more sublime version, it is, for example, a good character, mind. Can such a feeling be a solid foundation of marriage? Hardly. After all, appearance changes over time. Many women after the first birth cannot regain their girlish harmony, and not because they “launched” themselves. Not only the figure is changing. The face, hair, skin also loses its original appearance, especially if they have been artificially improved. If the reason for falling in love was not appearance, but, for example, intelligence, character, then even then the feeling cannot be considered reliable, since there will certainly be meetings with smarter and more pleasant people in life.

3. The ardor of feelings. In an adult family man, one kind of a couple in love causes a slight smile. On the one hand, how touchingly and attentively he courts, how elegantly she accepts courtship, and on the other, how all this is still far from a real feeling! In fact, the depth of experience, the inner strength of feelings does not depend in any way on the strength of their external manifestation. True feeling, as a rule, looks quiet, modest, inconspicuous. External ardor, most likely, indicates a lack of internal experience, when all forces go to the external.

G. Chapman notes: “However, research shows that there is a better option: we recognize that falling in love is a temporary emotional outburst, and we go with our spouse in search of true love. Love, which will not be an obsession, in which mind and feelings will unite. Such love is an act of will, it requires discipline and recognizes the need for growth. Our basic emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be truly loved, to know not instinctive love, but love-choice. Such love requires strength and discipline. You try for the good of another, and if you succeed, you yourself rejoice because you love truly. It doesn't feel like the euphoria of falling in love. In general, true love cannot be born until love dies.”

Love does not grow, does not become great and perfect suddenly and by itself, but it requires time and constant care. Martyr Empress Alexandra Feodorovna

I.Yu. Polyakova, O.I. Panova and A.Yu. Menshov distinguish the following opposite sides of two states - falling in love and love:

№	Love	Love
1.	Love is not about responsibility	Love is responsibility, discipline, development and constancy
2.	Falling in love is the experience of special romantic emotions that have a chance to develop into love.	Falling in love is the basis of love, its necessary component (its first step)
3.	Love does not have a solid foundation: joint interests, creative deeds that require development and independent formation	Love is a unifying principle, therefore, between spouses there should be common interests, deeds, goals, prospects in which everyone puts their strength and soul
4.	Falling in love is most often associated with an ideal image (it is illusory). A person loves his feeling more than a real person with his merits and demerits. In a word, a man in love "loves love"	Love is directed at an object - a certain person, at accepting him as he is. Love is freedom, as it allows spouses to be themselves: not to play roles and not to wear “masks”
5.	Falling in love lasts until the first trials, which are a test of strength and truth.	Love is reborn, strengthened and developed in trials and difficulties.
6.	Falling in love is more focused on oneself, on satisfaction of personal needs, personal desires.	Love is focused on the spouse and on joint spiritual development, which includes such qualities as: the ability to sacrifice personal interests for the sake of common tasks, support, mutual assistance, the ability to give and share

As you probably already understood, the lack of mature love upsets the balance in marriage, leads to insecurity, resentment, irritation, conflicts. Depending on the nature of the relationship - codependent or partner - spouses understand love differently. For some, this is attachment, addiction, dependence, turning into an obsession, for others - freedom, trust and intimacy. When you understand what exactly drives you, and begin to solve YOUR PERSONAL problems, changes for the better will turn out to be quite real. It is no coincidence that the Lord Jesus Christ commanded: “... first take the log out of your eye, and then you will see how to take the speck out of your brother’s eye » (Mt. 7, 5).

The first years of married life are an important and largely defining period of a family's existence. They can be used to judge the potential quality of a marriage and make predictions about the stability of a given family.

Despite the bright emotional coloring and romanticism characteristic of a young marriage, this stage of family life is one of the most difficult, as evidenced by the large number of divorces attributable to it. The problems of this stage may be associated with the difficulties of family adaptation and the difficulty of accepting new roles; often they are a consequence of the inseparability of spouses from parental families.

The following factors can complicate the passage of this stage by the family:

– Marriage as an opportunity to fill the gap. It is observed in cases when one or both spouses get married because of the desire to stop feeling a lack of love, communication, care, warmth, attention, they want to avoid feelings of loneliness and uselessness.

– Marriage as a way to separate from the parental family. The desire of young spouses to distance themselves from their parents is one of the most frequent inadequate motives for marriage. In this case, the creation of a new family becomes a specific communicative message to parents that their child has become an adult and has the right to independent decisions and an independent life.

– Marriage as a way to overcome any crisis: creating a family as an attempt to cope with the loss of a significant person, as a way to survive professional failure, etc.

– Marriage in order to comply with the norms of the social environment regarding the age of marriage and other aspects of marital behavior. This marriage is a way to escape the pressure of the social environment.

– Marriage as compensation for feelings of inferiority. Marriage can be a way to make up for personality defects. In this case, joining an idealized partner allows you to increase your sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

– Marriage is an achievement. It is observed when one of the partners receives material or social benefits as a result of marriage.

– Forced marriage. In this case, marriage is a way to solve life's difficulties. These include an unplanned pregnancy, housing or material problems of one of the spouses, etc.

With inadequate motivation for marriage, the partner's personality is not of value, only his presence or his functional characteristics that are important for meeting needs are important.

2. Significant differences in family traditions, the origin of spouses and models of their family relations (for example, in religious beliefs, education, social and national affiliation, age, etc.).

3. Material, physical or emotional dependence of the couple on the members of the parents.

4. The personal characteristics of one or both spouses associated with the establishment of attachment relationships, first of all, the ability of the spouses to establish close relationships, join and separate from each other, without experiencing severe discomfort.

5. The presence of dysfunctional family relationships in the parental families of the spouses.

Before moving on to a general characterization of the path to real, true and lasting love, I would like to clear the field of the classical element that introduces ambiguity: falling in love.

Almost everyone confuses love with falling in love. Women's magazines, TV shows, films, literature (with the exception of some authors) extol the moment of falling in love, as if it were the essence of true love. But it is enough to have a little common sense to understand that the experience of falling in love is very different from permanent love.

Today we live in a society in which the value of everything depends on the market demand, the image of the product is more important than the product itself, the media has become so powerful that they create real behavioral patterns. But love, the path of personal growth, the spirit almost everywhere on the globe have little value, are not valued. In this society, falling in love is experienced as love, because the image of the individual is important, but not his maturity. The media have a programming effect on thoughts and feelings: now all people think and love in the same way - or believe that they love. Otherness - something that deviates from the generally accepted model - is perceived as an alarming sign, a deviation. In a society in which human life is absorbed by work and other duties, the feeling of loneliness and abandonment is spreading uncontrollably, and communication between people has almost completely disappeared, sex is often considered the only act that can give the appearance of communication, warmth, unity between human beings. Modern man no longer knows how to communicate with words or gestures, and that form of communication, which, in my opinion, is certainly the latest and applicable only in a strictly defined context - sexual relations - becomes the first and only for many. Feeling sexual attraction to a partner, a person believes that he has found great love. Moreover, it is taken as evidence of the intensity and correctness of the relationship, when in reality it is only evidence of a profound inability to communicate in other ways.

So we confuse falling in love with love.

I will list some of the properties of both so that the reader can understand whether he is experiencing moments of falling in love or walking the path of love.

Falling in love belongs to the animal nature of man, love - to his maturity. In order to fall in love, you do not need courage: it is enough to let everything take its course and give yourself free rein. But I'm talking to people who want to use their intelligence and ability to transcend. Otherwise, how would we differ from animals? For falling in love, sex is crucial; in a loving relationship, it is optional. Many people consider themselves "tricky" living the way they live: more in love than in love. But they only behave this way because they are unwilling to acknowledge the poverty of their emotions and their inability to communicate in any way other than sexual.

In love, a person modifies, distorts reality, adapting it to these relationships; in love, reality becomes an integral part of the relationship, uplifting and strengthening it.

In a state of falling in love, the image of another person becomes an obsession; without it, life is over; in love, a partner is always present, relationships with him continue all the time, because we have built or are building together with him a plan, life itself.

Falling in love is not a plan, it is just the rapture of the moment, even if it lasts for months or years.

Falling in love covers deep inner loneliness, a person strives to be together with a partner in order to feel alive; in love, our spiritual world is autonomous, independent of a partner - V the result of free choice connects with the world of a loved one to move on together.

Falling in love is a spark mistaken for fire; love is a flame that is constantly maintained.

In love, an enthusiastic state is possible only in the presence of a partner; in love, happiness is the permanent foundation of life.

Being in love creates the illusion of growth, being only a stop, a temporary cessation of a neurosis; love, by definition, is personal and, as a result, joint growth.

At the end of falling in love, a person experiences a feeling of a huge emptiness: perhaps it just opens the emptiness that was before, and now has become even more bitter. But the love that I am talking about does not see an end, because there was never a void, even before it began.

Love is afraid of death; many deaths are experienced in love, but they all dissolve thanks to the ability to see the meaning and significance in everything.

In love, the limit is denied; in love, the limit is sought, recognized, accepted and extolled.

In love, prudence is banished; in love it plays an important role.

Being in love is by its very nature exclusive; love is universal.

Being in love is possession; love is a gift.

Being in love dominates the people who experience it; those who walk the path of love govern their love together, and are not governed by it.

In this article, we will look at the difference between love and falling in love.

Love, sympathy or falling in love, and sometimes just passion - these are the feelings that are familiar to each of us. Well, that's just the way we are - we will definitely be drawn to another person and we will always have a desire to be attached to someone. Love and infatuation, as well as friendship and affection, go together. Yes, they stand so close and go toe to toe that many of us confuse them or are not even aware of the presence of any feeling.

How to distinguish love from a feeling of falling in love: comparison, signs, psychology, test

Love and falling in love are very closely related, they are similar and cannot exist without each other. More precisely, how to say, love will not arise without sympathy and previous love. After all, love takes time. Therefore, these feelings are often confused. Perhaps this is due to the fact that each of us wants to find that same, true love. By the way, a lot depends on the character. There are individuals who fall in love every week with a new partner. Naturally, in this case we are talking about love.

What are the signs of love. Everyone is familiar with these riots of hormones, butterflies in the stomach, feelings of sublimity - all this is a side of the emotional aspect of falling in love.

• As they say, "love at first sight" is a myth. Only love can arise. Here she will take you by surprise. And we, unfortunately, cannot choose who and when this will happen.
• Falling in love starts like the flu. Yes exactly. Some scientists even attribute the status of a disease to this feeling. A person in love has mood swings, pressure surges and insomnia, and some even have headaches.
• The desire to always and more be close to the person you like. Yes, now we are talking about those “random” meetings.
• Lovers want to communicate, talk, act and learn something new about each other every day. And most importantly, that there is no boredom and monotony.
• But a person in love often feels absent-mindedness, confusion in thoughts (from this, delusional first speeches are obtained). And what kind of rash acts love pushes. If you look at your life in the past, you already become ashamed of yourself. Yes, this item applies more to teenagers, but a person in love is susceptible to them at any age.
• And how do you want to present yourself in the best quality and light. That is, a man in love, as if making it clear that he is the one.

IMPORTANT: Falling in love is more selfish, because a person in this state, first of all, thinks about himself. He wants to look, touch and be near, so that he feels good. A man in love rarely wonders what his soulmate is like. Even if such thoughts arise (purely because of common sense), personal interests and benefits always outweigh on the scales.

• In a passion, you cannot be 100% sure (no, for example, girls often have thoughts about a future wedding and children), but external data (smile, eyes, gait) can evoke feelings.
• By the way, when interests collide, each other's shortcomings begin to appear, which we may not accept. Some even manage to start a family or create a civil marriage. And then, a whole bunch of discontent blooms.
• If you can't be around, then look with your eyes. Yes, a man in love as often as possible (almost constantly) will look for his passion with his eyes. Therefore, so often lovers meet eyes.
• And yet, when we start talking with a person we like, the timbre of the voice involuntarily softens and becomes quieter.

But love already has slightly different characteristics:

• The first thing I would like to highlight is time. Love does not arise quickly and spontaneously. It takes time and work on yourself (both partners). But on the other hand, one can be sure of the duration of such a feeling for many years.
• We mentioned that only external data causes feelings in a person in love, and flaws can be wildly annoying. In a state of love, we perceive a person as he is. That is, they love him not for his eyes or expensive gifts, but simply for the fact that he is, he is the best and only.
• There shouldn't be anyone else. That is, a person becomes everything for you. For example, a girl walks and looks at a handsome guy, and thinks to herself: “a beautiful jacket, I should buy my husband!”. You do not pay attention to others and do not even notice their positive qualities.
• No, contact is maintained with friends or relatives. Even more than during the period of love. It means that no one else causes such sympathy.
• With a loved one, you can just be silent. Yes, loving people can communicate, as if with a glance or at a telepathic level. And with such a person you feel calm, safe and comfortable. After all, you are in the right place.
• In love, there are no thoughts of separation (divorce). Even during quarrels (they happen to everyone - this is also a natural and normal process), a loving person understands that they will reconcile, find a compromise and move on. And how else! After all, now they have become halves of one whole.
• By the way, those who love do not have “mine” or “yours”, but “ours” comes to replace it. Moreover, both partners have not only common interests, but even common habits and even character traits become a little similar.
• The main thing is to always work on yourself. Both partners. This also includes the feeling of forgiveness. Yes, you always need to specify the problem and seek a compromise.

IMPORTANT: A loving person is always more concerned about the state of his soul mate. That is, he does not think about his own benefit or convenience, but about making his beloved feel good and comfortable.

Now let's touch on their psychological side.

Love:

1. We all want to continue our family. This is inherent in nature and not only in man, but in any living creature on the planet. Therefore, there is such a feeling as falling in love. Therefore, one thing can be said - the human body itself induces a feeling of love.
2. By the way, love is often deceptive. A person was attracted by external data, and the mind and imagination have already done everything else. And then, when we have to face reality, we are disappointed. In other words, we idealize a partner.
3. Under the influence of hormones, a person rises, becomes joyful and cheerful. Moreover, the feeling of falling in love is also reflected in our luck. After all, with a positive personality, things go much higher than the rest. Therefore, being in love is even beneficial for our body.
4. And it is impossible not to touch upon such an aspect as parents. No, now we are not talking about the love of parents and children. Probably, many have heard that on an unconscious level we choose as partners a person who is similar (if parents are associated with positive moments) or, conversely, opposite (when parents are associated with negative memories) with our parents.

Now let's talk about love:

1. Love arises over the years - this is a fact. But there are also some types of love, for example, maternal or brotherly, and there is also love for a neighbor, for the Motherland or work. And, of course, there is sexual love, that is, between a man and a woman, between spouses.
2. Love is often confused with feelings of affection or fear of being alone. But more on that later. I just wanted to say a few words about love - the lover will not suppress her partner or create unsuitable living conditions for him, and he will not try to assert himself by any means.
3. And it is impossible not to note the stages of love. Yes, they exist:
   • Sympathy or falling in love is a period when hormones are dancing a waltz, and rose-colored glasses are in front of our eyes.
   • A glut or tipping point is the period when all the shortcomings begin to be noticed. Moreover, the glasses are off, and we really don’t like these partner’s habits. And he (or she) does not want to give them up or change them.
   • Denial or the desire to quit everything follows the rose-colored glasses. It is difficult to find a compromise, the partner has many claims, and he himself does nothing for the sake of the relationship (and each of the partners thinks so). And then there are thoughts that the ideal option would be parting. Unfortunately, this is the longest period and most couples end up in a breakup.
   • The beginning or birth of love occurs when partners dare to stay together and begin to work on themselves. Once again, do not confuse with hopelessness or a sense of affection. In love, care and tenderness for a loved one comes first.
   • And true love, as the final stage. Unfortunately, only mature partners who have really known both joys and sorrows can achieve it. Friendship, passion, interest and spiritual intimacy should also go with love. Of course, partners must be able to get along in a team, be responsible and devoted to each other.

To finally establish the final verdict, we offer you a small test:

1. Pay attention to your appearance.
   • A man in love is prettier and tries to attract attention as much as possible. There is a blush on the cheeks, a radiance in the eyes, and a smile on the face.
   • Love does not like loud and flashy outfits. She is generally more inconspicuous, and the changes in appearance are minor.
2. character and conversation.
   • During the period of falling in love, we try to be near our chosen one more often, and conversations can only be about him. Questions are constantly tormented: “Do I like me?”, “Do I look good?”, “Did my outfit notice?”.
   • In love, there is a desire to make your soul mate only better, so that he feels good. And not only, others also fall under the distribution of happiness and help.
3. What emotions are overwhelmed.
   • Jumps and mood swings - this is what is characteristic of falling in love. Cry because you didn’t call on time, or didn’t meet at the first break, and then at the sight of your passion, it all changes with loud laughter and high spirits.
   • The weak point of lovers is their looks. There are no longer those jumps (sometimes quietly, sometimes loudly), feelings are more stable and calm.
4. What is the difference in behaviour.
   • When falling in love, some may blush sharply, others become silent or, conversely, begin to communicate loudly and provocatively. And there are cases when shy representatives simply run away.
   • In love, everything is different - with a relative (in love, he becomes like that), you feel yourself easily and at ease. There is no desire or need to show yourself from the other, unnatural side.

How to distinguish love from feelings of affection: comparison, signs, psychology, test

We have indicated above the symptoms and signs of such a feeling as love. Therefore, we will not go deeper again. Let's talk about attachment, which is also often confused with love. Falling in love is more related to schoolchildren and teenagers, but affection is more characteristic of those partners who have managed to live together.

• In general, affection is a feeling of closeness, which is based on sympathy or the same love. As you can see, all these feelings are very closely interconnected.
• In a couple where there is affection, one always gives and the other receives. That is, one loves, and the second turns the cheek.
• Attacks of jealousy are also more related to attachment. The desire to control and completely personally possess a partner does not speak of love at all. So there is too much control. There is always room for trust in love!
• Fear. An important indicator, since an attached person is afraid of losing a partner. And they are more concerned about material qualities. This is where the extra attention comes from.
• Also, it is worth noting that there is no development of partners as individuals. That is, loving people can develop not only together, everyone can have their own hobby or passion.
• And yet, attachment, like falling in love, is based on external qualities.
• Let's also talk about distance. Attachment can at first lead to melancholy, and then, on the contrary, cause a feeling of lightness and freedom.

Therefore, you can easily pass a small test:

1. Again, pay attention to what you like in a partner.
2. How do you feel after a week off?
3. You put your interests above that of your partner. Or vice versa?
4. Now remember about the shortcomings of the partner and your attitude towards them.

Answer only honestly, and the conclusion can be drawn from the above signs.

How to distinguish love from a feeling of passion: comparison, signs, psychology, test

The Kama Sutra interprets love in its own way. Every person has three drives: mind, soul and body. In the first case, respect is born, in the second - friendship, in the third - desire (aka passion). Love is the combination of all three qualities together. We will not go around in circles for a long time and repeat ourselves, so we will immediately move on to passion.

• Again, it is based only on physical sympathy.
• It flares up like a forest fire. But it fades just as quickly.
• Passion often makes you resolve any conflict in bed. Pay attention to how you resolve your conflicts. In love, there is always a place for calm conversations, but passion overshadows the mind.
• A loving person will never offend his partner, while passion allows taunts and rudeness towards the second half.
• And an important criterion! Passion can refer to several. Love is monogamous (we have already mentioned this above).

If we talk about the test, then it is enough to answer the questions from the previous paragraph. Answer honestly and quickly, and also remember (we already mentioned) such aspects as conflict resolution and flirting on the side.

How to distinguish love from a feeling of passion: comparison, signs, psychology, test

To distinguish the feeling of infatuation from love, and to understand what kind of feeling overwhelms you, it is enough just to answer the following questions. The feeling of infatuation is very similar to falling in love, but it can even be called the initial stage.

• Naturally, answer honestly what attracts you in a partner. Only a few points can be called a hobby. And only external or physical aspects.
• How often and for how long interest is shown. The passion is so fleeting (yes, falling in love is more permanent in this matter) that a person very quickly switches to another object. Moreover, the person goes out very quickly. He is engaged in other things, only when reminded can he remember his passion.

• Again, the topic is how conflicts are resolved. With passion, of course, all roads lead to bed, but attraction is expressed by too emotional perception. Yes, a person begins to react very sharply to any comments. And any quarrel turns into a world-class conflict.
• Do you care about your soul mate? This item plays an important role. Yes, love arises gradually and, naturally, people get to know each other in detail. Hobbies are selfish in nature and are aimed only at personal gain.
• And it is necessary to note such an aspect - an earthly or supermundane feeling. The fact is that when carried away, only earthly needs are of interest, which are expressed by thoughts, pleasures and banal deeds. Love has no barriers, and for lovers, intimacy is in the first place.

How to distinguish love from a feeling of friendship: comparison, signs, psychology, test

They say that between a man and a woman there is never a feeling of friendship. We will not delve too deeply into this issue, since this is a “sick” and eternal topic for controversy. Maybe friendship will turn into love. Or maybe someone's feeling of sympathy, on the contrary, will destroy friendship in a few years. We will consider an example when there is only spiritual intimacy (that is, friendship) or the desire for the body (love) already appears.

1. How do you behave. If it is easy and at ease, do not be afraid to make yourself look ridiculous, then there is only friendship between you. No, in love, too, no one experiences tension, but it comes with age. Communication goes to another level, and it is different from all other friendships.
2. There should be no place for jealousy in friendship. You easily communicate with the passion of a friend (girlfriend) or you can simply discuss the person you like. And no negative. That is, a person specifically does not want to put a passion in a bad light. Of course, if the circumstances really do not require it.
3. Care. No, friends also take care of each other, but lovers do it differently. You will not be able to allow a loved one to snack on dry food or junk food (or drink a lot of alcohol), but a friend will sit down for such a meal with you.
4. Analyze time apart. How often do you remember a friend, but think about who and what you do with. Friends don't have this issue. They live their lives.
5. How do you feel about a friend's criticism of you? As a rule, a loving person wants to show himself from the best side. Of course, it is still too early to talk about deep love, but its initial stage will not let you listen to reproaches or even comic barbs addressed to you. The words of a friend are perceived easier, moreover, you can even laugh at them together.

Of course, you can endlessly consider examples of love and friendship, but to understand your feelings, the above five points are enough.

How to distinguish love from feeling that a person just likes: comparison, signs, psychology, test

We won't beat around the bush. Since we have considered several options, simple sympathy is similar to ordinary love or infatuation. The only difference is that we can like many representatives. One person who likes has beautiful eyes, and the other has a smile, and the third jokes well. But! All of them have negative sides, which we immediately notice.

• That is, in a simply sympathetic person, we single out only one or two qualities that we like.
• And this is necessarily either external data, or just some kind of behavior.
• I don't want to be around all the time. You can have your own life, but you remember about passion only if necessary.
• With the person we like, we always feel embarrassed and awkward.
• And sympathy can fade away very quickly, and in general it is characterized by its inconstancy. Appear someone who has more beautiful eyes, and attention will switch to him.

What is the difference between true love and other feelings: psychology

We have indicated what are the main features of each of the senses and how to recognize them. Therefore, we will not repeat ourselves, but simply summarize the information.

• Love is a feeling that arises gradually and after a certain time.
• A person is loved in the overall picture, yes, for his soul (as they often say). No, external data is also important, but not put in the first place.
• Love includes friendship, passion, and spiritual intimacy.
• Love does not idealize like other feelings. A person is perceived with all the pluses and minuses. And they love it because it is just there and nearby.
• Love does not require constant presence (like falling in love), control (like affection), and at a distance or through time it does not pass and does not go out (like passion).

• In love, they always put their soul mate above their hobbies, amenities, and even happiness. More precisely, in a loving person, it consists in making the partner feel good.
• You can have your own entertainment, hobbies and even different friends. But this does not become a reason for jealousy and conflicts on this basis. This is what love is.
• Don't forget to pay attention to those around you. Love has enough time and attention for everyone, and even a piece of your happiness. Other feelings are simply fixated on one person until they go out. Or until they develop into something bigger and higher.
• And once again we will touch upon the topic of conflicts. In love, quarrels become rare over time. Yes, the reason for this is that you perceive your partner completely and completely, and with all the shortcomings. Moreover, they are also easier to solve. Conversations are calmer, and compromise is easier to find.

Can there be love without falling in love?

No, he can not. All these stages of sympathy must necessarily go through the lover. Moreover, love also requires friendship and mutual respect. The fact is that everything is thought out to the smallest detail by nature.

• If it were not for the hormones and the euphoria of falling in love, then not a single couple would have lived together for more than a week.
  • Remember that conflict is normal. After all, two different people are on the scales. If everyone does not begin to regulate the scales on their part, then they will continue to outweigh and fluctuate.
• Next comes the habit. Yes, her role is also important. You don’t need to live only out of habit or attachment, it’s just that at that turning point when you want to drop everything and run away, it’s just that – attachment that slows you down.

• And only then, when you go through the “seven circles of family problems”, learn to put up and accept your partner as he is, then love will begin to engender.
• And then, for its development, you need to constantly work on yourself and your relationships.

How long does love and falling in love last and can falling in love turn into love?

They say "love lasts 3 years". This is both true and wrong at the same time. This is the period of love. When the butterflies from the stomach are gone, and you begin to look at the world with a sober look. By the way, for some, this period develops in different ways - from 6 months to 4 years. Love is born for a long time and has no definite time. They say that it is eternal. Yes, love can really last a lifetime.

Love and Love: a parable

There is a very informative, instructive and touching parable. The essence of the parable is that Love will forgive and endure much, except for Indifference.

Archpriest Pavel Gumerov talks about love at first sight, hormones and amphetamines, how true love grows, about the family hierarchy and the richness of the ancient Greek language with a family psychologist, director of the Orthodox Family Center Irina Anatolyevna Rakhimova.

Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: Irina Anatolyevna, many, when creating a family, choosing a life partner, are guided by the following principle: for them, the most important thing is some kind of mutual attraction or, as they say, a flash, a spark that should run between a boy and a girl. This attraction is sometimes referred to as "chemistry". And if this happened, they say: "That's it, this is my man, I love him, and you need to go down the aisle with him." These people, apparently, believe in love at first sight, from the first meeting. And this very strong initial emotional experience they consider love. Do you think love at first sight is possible?

Irina Anatolyevna Rakhimova: Love at first sight, probably, happens, but this phenomenon is very rare. It’s just that when we talk about happy families that were created on the basis of the first emotional attraction, that same outburst, and then the lovers, having united, lived happily ever after, we don’t realize how many accompanying moments are behind all this. Yes, the spark ran, but at the same time the people approached each other very well. Here, in the complex, many factors converged, and everything turned out by no means from scratch. Behind these people was, perhaps, the baton of the successful experience of the family life of their parents, which was now passed on to them. There was motivation for marriage, readiness for family relationships and much more. And when people are ready for marriage, it is easy for them to connect with each other: they are like two halves of one whole.

More often, lovers, attracted to each other by this attraction, enter into marriage, not realizing whether they are ready for it. And having lived together for many years, they “suddenly” understand that next to them all these years was not their half. Where, you ask, were you looking before? “Well, you know ... - you hear in response, - then we took what we wished for reality ... Yes, and our relatives said that we need to start a family. In addition, age, it was time to get married ... "

In psychology, there are motives for choice - conscious and unconscious.

Father Paul: Flash, spark - this is just an unconscious choice.

Irina Rakhimova: Yes, and a greater number of people are focused on the unconscious choice of a spouse, sadly. It turns out as according to Shakespeare: one loves, and the other only accepts this love. And in those rare happy cases, which are called “love at first sight”, people simply turn out to be focused on each other, and each of them unconsciously chooses a certain companion, a certain type of future spouse or wife.

Father Paul: It turns out that, like some pieces of a puzzle, these people have developed and very successfully approached each other. But is it love? How do love and infatuation relate? Falling in love happens to almost everyone, but far from everyone it degenerates into happy marital love. And what is falling in love in general: is it the beginning of love, a special kind of love, or something else?

Irina Rakhimova: Indeed, not every love can turn into love, become a strong, permanent feeling. People converge, fall in love, but not everyone has a kinship of souls, love. For true love to arise, many factors are needed. If falling in love is reinforced by these moments, then it will become love. We meet, get to know a person and see that we have a lot in common with him: interests, views. We understand that he is more and more suitable for us, we are becoming closer to him. If there is such a closeness of souls, this will become a kind of guarantee that our family will be strong. And falling in love is such a door to the future family life: we open this door and enter love through it.

Father Paul: But after all, there are couples who did not experience love, nevertheless, in the future they created a strong, friendly family and then they could not live without each other. Not very often, but it does happen.

Irina Rakhimova: Yes, this also happens, but even in these cases, maybe not a bright flash, but there was still mutual sympathy. There was a certain attraction, a general wave, which was the basis for further relations.

Father Paul: I would like to make a small addition regarding the biological, medical side of the phenomenon of falling in love. Classical love is still a kind of mental and physiological state, in contrast to marital love, love in marriage, when people have been living family life for five, ten, fifteen years or more. It is quite clear that they cannot constantly be in a state of euphoria and trembling in love.

In general, it is very easy to understand whether a person is in love or not. This is a medical fact: if you take a drop of a lover's blood and do a chemical analysis, it turns out that its composition has changed. It has been established that the excited state of a lover is associated with increased production by the body of certain hormones - oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, often adrenaline - which create this rise, excitement, euphoria. In 2011, MRI scans of the brains of people in love were conducted in the United States. Magnetic resonance imaging has shown that in people in this condition, the tomogram of the brain changes. Some areas begin to work more actively, and in certain areas of the cerebral cortex, activity, on the contrary, is suppressed. When falling in love, purely somatic symptoms usually appear: high blood pressure, rapid pulse, increased excitability, sweating, and so on. A similar state can be observed when a person takes certain substances. For example, amphetamines. When people take, say, ecstasy, they also experience euphoria, forget everything in the world, lose their heads, can dance or travel for hours without feeling tired.

The topic of our conversation is “In love, passion and love”, and it must be emphasized that the temporary “abnormality” of people in love is caused not so much by sexual desire. Sexual attraction, passion, eros - the state is much more primitive, rude. Being in love is, of course, a higher state than passion. A person can experience a physiological attraction to the object of passion without any love, especially without love.

I have already said that falling in love cannot last long. And sometimes it is almost non-existent before marriage. There is sympathy, friendship, location. If the spouses experienced a state of true love for years, they would simply undermine their health. A person cannot be in a state of hormonal addiction for years.

But these are all retreats. And the next question for you, Irina Anatolyevna, I have this. Is it necessary for everyone to experience the state of being in love? And most importantly: what should be guided by when choosing a life partner so as not to make a mistake?

What to focus on when choosing a spouse - on feelings or on the mind? The answer lies in the question itself: you need to stick to the golden mean

Irina Rakhimova: This question is often asked: what to focus on when choosing a spouse - feelings or mind? The answer lies in the question itself. You need to stick to the golden mean. If there are many feelings, this is close to passion, and passion tends to fade quickly. If only a naked mind is present during the choice, then this is also fraught with errors, because then there is no attraction, this necessary component, which is needed even for childbearing. We are living people and have a need to love. Of course, it's easier to love the person you like.

You need to feel and hear yourself in order to tune in to such a harmonious motivation. You need to take a closer look, including yourself. Say to yourself: “So, there are too many feelings here. It probably won't do any good. I will not be able to see a person, to see some of his shortcomings, flaws. I will be blinded, and of course this will prevent me from making the right choice. After all, marriage is once and for all. Everything, there will be no return! Now just go on and on." And this is just the beginnings of responsible, correct love, when you understand that you consciously, responsibly choose your spouse. You do not do it in a hurry, for a good deed is not done in a hurry.

And then people come to me and say: “We didn’t recognize, we didn’t see, we were unobservant. They were in a state of euphoria. Everything happened very quickly, and now I understand that I don’t love ... ”I remember one story. The woman was married for nine years, they had a child. And now, after these years, she says: “I don’t love my husband anymore!” Of course, she has all thoughts about divorce. She admits that her husband is, in principle, a good person, but claims that they have nothing in common with him now. But, sorry, you don't like it! And he? What were you thinking when you entered into a relationship with this person? After all, he loved you and loves you. And these are symptoms of selfishness.

Father Paul: Passed the initial love, then affection, and she realized that he was not the hero of her novel?

Irina Rakhimova: Yes, and now she says that she no longer has a desire to be with him and in intimacy. He admits that he begins to look at other men and involuntarily flirt with them, flirt.

Father Paul: But there are people who are in love. There are especially many of them among the representatives of Bohemia: actors, musicians, poets, artists. It is very common for them to experience the state of being in love again and again. When they have this emotional upsurge, the intensity caused by a feeling for some person, they find another for themselves in order to experience another love. For addicts, it's like doping.

Irina Rakhimova: I remember how one young man, being in search of his soulmate, signed up for a communication group of our center; after some time, he came for a consultation and said that he had been in love with a girl for two years, but they had no reciprocity. He apparently scared her. The guy is good, but very emotional. Most likely, the girl was pushed away by such an emotional pressure on his part. Love implies reciprocity. Love is not always mutual. And this is a kind of litmus test. So you need to pay attention to this: is there reciprocity or not? Or do you just think she is? This must be understood in order not to be mistaken.

Falling in love blinds a person, true love is sighted

In our social group, at the first meeting, I ask someone to come out and pantomime love. And almost always a person depicts that he flies, soars, looks with wings into the sky, not seeing the earth. Looks up. I ask others to comment on what they saw. Everyone says: "A person is cut off from reality, he does not see anything." How can he participate in some life events if he "has his head in the clouds"? This needs to be thought about. Because true love is sighted. You have to come down from heaven to earth. I continue to ask the members of the group further, and we begin to understand that there is a lot of selfishness in falling in love. A person thinks about himself: “Why didn’t he (a) call (a), why didn’t he answer (a) SMS? Why doesn’t he (a) react as emotionally as I do, he (a) doesn’t feel anything? The lover thinks about how bad it is for him that they didn’t call him, didn’t say that he was loved.

Father Paul: It has been noticed that with true love, people more often use plural pronouns: we, with us, with us. Because they feel unity, inseparability with their loved ones. And lovers mostly use singular pronouns: I, with me ... It is more important for a lover what he is experiencing, his feelings and emotions.

Irina Rakhimova: Right. But I want to continue the story of our classes. Then I ask those present to portray love. As a rule, a person takes someone as a couple, and together they show love like this: they start hugging. I ask: “Well, how are you? Are you comfortable?” One of the partners usually says: “Yes, good!” And the other replies: “I don’t know ... Not really ... It’s somehow cramped for me ...” It is clear that reciprocity is not particularly observed here. I ask those present: “Do you believe that this is love?” Some say, “Yes, we do. It's really great to be together." But someone will definitely object: “No, I don’t believe it.” Then I ask him: “How would you portray love?” He takes a mate, and they walk, holding each other's hand. I ask: "Comment on what is happening now." - "We want to show that love is, as A. Saint-Exupery wrote, not when people look at each other, but when they look in one direction, they go together." I ask: "Where are you going?" - "We go to God." Then I say to the hugging couple: "Hug and try to walk." They do not succeed: their legs are entangled, and they do not see where to go. They see only each other's noses and do not see the prospects, do not understand where to go.

Love in the Dutch language, for example, as I remember, is denoted by a word that is close in its semantics to the concepts of "responsibility" and "freedom". The freedom of lovers is expressed in the fact that, although they “join hands”, they are free as individuals. Everyone has boundaries. If there are no boundaries, elements of codependency appear, and this is already very bad. Because jealousy, competition begins.

Father Paul: So what is love? How would you define its features, signs? Indeed, for many who have not been able or have not yet managed to acquire it in marriage, it seems that the best, brightest, happiest state is falling in love, honeymoon, honeymoon, vivid experiences, emotions, drive. And then what? Routine, everyday life and boredom? They still do not know and do not understand what true love is. Well, yes, it’s a common thing to look in one direction ... And why does this make the life of a loving person happy? Why is it worth doing all this?

Irina Rakhimova: The feeling that spouses have at the very beginning must be carried like a torch through life. Don't lose it. Constantly rekindle your love. Then this feeling will be a source of constant joy and happiness for the spouses. Love, unlike falling in love, is a mature, constant feeling that fills our life with meaning. Great happiness to love and be loved.

Many, alas, do not understand the importance of the romantic component in marriage.

The bride and groom are one role, the husband and wife are completely different. Obligations appear. Now it's not just: "I want - and that's it!" Then a child is born, and the spouses become parents. The family system, as it were, is divided into two subsystems. One subsystem is matrimonial, the second is parental. And the conjugal one must be carried through all life - this is where it began. This is the basis, the foundation of relationships. There are several important points in the marital subsystem: the romantic component, the friendship component and the intimate component of the relationship. Without a romantic component anywhere. Many do not understand this. With the birth of a child, they fall only into the parental subsystem. Many spouses even begin to communicate with each other according to the “parents and children” model, they become controlling not only for the child, but also for each other. It starts with "you must", "you must". Infinite: must, must, must… Love, warmth are emasculated, life becomes insipid and boring.

I always ask the spouses who came to us for a consultation: “Do you two have a rest, spend time?” And I hear in response: “But we have no time, we always take care of children.” Or there are other reasons. Whoever wants, he is looking for opportunities to be together, and whoever does not want, he is looking for reasons not to do this. But it is very important not to lose the first feelings and experiences. And you need to understand their importance. Maintain this romantic component.

Why do priests and Orthodox psychologists insist that you should meet for at least a year before marriage? There are, of course, many reasons for this, but I will focus on one. At this time, a lot of good, bright impressions accumulate. And these general impressions “hold” the spouses later, when they already live in a fuss, in time pressure, when they are immersed in everyday problems, they, alas, already lack warmth, emotions ... And even more so if they start offending each other, if mutual resentment, irritation - and this releases warmth from their home, from their relationship. This is where you need to plunge into the joyful that was before.

Father Paul: You once made a wonderful point: when people start cohabiting before marriage, they rob themselves. Because they immediately plunge into everyday life, joint affairs, household. They have no or almost no experience of romantic relationships - reverent, careful, which should be before marriage. And when difficulties begin, cohabitants have nowhere to return, nowhere to draw this experience from.

Irina Rakhimova: Right. And in the so-called "civil marriages", without obligations, there is no reverent, caring relationship to each other. And for people who are just starting a family, the premarital period is very important, so that later they can draw strength and inspiration from it.

Affectionate words, praise, strokes and gentle touches - all this should be before marriage, and then in family life. It is believed that there should be up to 70 strokes per day.

Father Paul: So, you need to constantly maintain the fire of love so that the fire of the former affection does not go out. This is daily work. I would make such a comparison. Here is a young man up to 20 years old who went in for sports, albeit amateurishly. He could run cross-country, 80 push-ups, 20 pull-ups, constantly trained and was in good shape. Then family life began, worries about daily bread began, and he stopped exercising regularly. Five years later, going up to the horizontal bar, instead of 20 times, he can barely pull himself up five times. It seemed to him that he was still strong and well prepared, but no. Because a sports life is unthinkable without regular training and exercise. And any other occupation, for example, music. If you have not picked up a guitar for 15 years, you are unlikely to be able to play it well. If a skill was once acquired, it must be, if not developed, then at least maintained. In the same way, family life, and, of course, spiritual life require constant work.

Love must be constantly practiced. Maintain this feeling, invest work and effort in your family life. If you don’t have constant signs of attention to each other, those same “strokes”, kind, affectionate words, if a man doesn’t have a chivalrous, caring attitude towards a lady, if he forgets to give her a hand when getting off the bus, doesn’t let her go ahead, doesn’t take from hands a heavy bag, if you do not protect each other from reproaches and barbs, do not give gifts, spend little time together, then where will a good, tender relationship come from? What happened once upon a time will be hard to remember.

Irina Rakhimova: The harsh word "asceticism" comes from the Greek verb askeo, which means "to exercise." You need to exercise, train in family life. Our strengths and labor are the building blocks of a family home.

Father Paul: Irina Anatolyevna, we talked about the importance of communication between spouses, signs of attention. And what other necessary components of true love can you name? What else needs to be remembered so that after a few years one of the spouses does not say: “Sorry, I fell in love (fell in love) with another (other), I'm leaving. Goodbye!"?

Irina Rakhimova: In family life and marital love, roles are very important. In order to preserve love, so that the family is strong and harmonious, it is important to understand which of the spouses is in what place in terms of status, how the family hierarchy should be built. If a man is the head of the family, then he should not nominally, not decoratively occupy this place, but correspond to this high appointment from God. That is, to be confident, calm - and then the woman will also feel calm next to such a husband. Be responsible. If a man knows how to make decisions and be responsible for the situation, then everything in the family will be calm.

With the correct family hierarchy, the correct family life begins to be built.

With the right interaction, with the right family hierarchy, the right family life begins to be built. This is the center from which all circles diverge. If spouses are oriented towards each other, and for the wife, the husband comes first, and for the husband, the wife, everything else will be around that.

My favorite test that I often give to married couples is: who comes first in your family? Usually everyone answers: children. But it's not right. Why then be surprised if you, the spouses, are not in the first place for each other? And then the children will feel that you do not have harmony in the relationship, and will begin to use it. They will manipulate you. And problems will begin: “These are your children, and these are my children,” and so on. This happens when husband and wife are not oriented towards each other. I work with my clients to ensure that even if they are awakened at night, they can always give the correct answer. "Who is the main person for you?" - "Husband". - "And for you?" - "Wife." If it is, then you will respect the other person, feel his needs, his pain, live his interests, his life. Sympathize with him. These are elementary truths, but these are the components of love.

Father Paul: But some say: “But what about mom ?! After all, it is sacred. She is the most important person in my life.”

Irina Rakhimova: There is even such a stamp: there can be many wives, but only one mother.

Father Paul: That's why there are so many of them! If you truly loved your wife and she would be in your first place after God, and mom, dad and your children in second, then you would save your family, not destroy it. There is already a very serious mistake from the very beginning, it is like an explosive device with a clockwork, which will work sooner or later.

Of course, all this does not negate the love of parents. But the Holy Scripture gives a very clear hierarchical ladder: first the Lord, then my soul mate, and only after my parents and children. And love for them to all should be different. The Gospel says: “Whoever loves his father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me” (Matthew 10:37). And about love for a wife, it says: “A man will leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and the two will become one flesh…” (Matthew 19:5).

In conclusion of our conversation about the differences between love, infatuation and passion, I would like to make a small philological digression. It is known that in most modern languages ​​the word "love" has a universal, too capacious meaning. But in the ancient Greek language, there are as many as seven definitions of love. Real, sacrificial love is called the word "agape". "Eros" is a spontaneous, enthusiastic, passionate, emotional feeling. "Storge" is love-tenderness, kindred love. "Filia" - love between friends. There is also the concept of "mania" - obsession, its basis - passion and jealousy. "Pragma" is a rational feeling, which is caused by the desire to achieve benefits and conveniences. And "ludus" - flirting, a light hobby based on sexual desire, aimed at obtaining pleasure.

But, despite such a wealth of terms, true spiritual love for God and people is one - it is agape.

It would seem that thousands of books have been written about love, and how many grandiloquent phrases and beautiful words have been spoken! But the theme does not become obsolete and never will become obsolete. What is love? What is attachment? How to distinguish love from falling in love? ?

Most of the minds of mankind agree that love (or, perhaps, its classic version) consists of four phases: infatuation, falling in love, love and affection.

The first step is passion

Love is always born from infatuation. The man saw an attractive representative of the opposite sex, for some reason or something he attracted his gaze - and away we go. The basis of the feeling of passion is a great admiration for the unique abilities of a girl or a man, his character traits or fantastic talent. However, you can also get carried away by the plump lips of a lady, gorgeous breasts, long legs, a pumped-up figure of a man and his brilliant smile - only external data.

This, of course, is far from love, and this feeling usually lasts for several weeks or a couple of months, according to knowledgeable researchers. Infatuation can eventually develop into love, or it can end quickly, and a person’s attention will immediately switch to a new object.

The second phase is love

The feeling of falling in love smoothly emerges from passion. This happens when you continue to communicate with the person who once attracted you. At some point in a person’s mind, the importance of the positive qualities of the chosen one, which once caused enthusiasm, increases, and the degree of negative ones decreases literally to zero. In fact, during this phase, the idealization of the partner is observed. How is love different from falling in love? People fall in love not with a person, but with an ideal created by them.

Falling in love lasts much longer than passion - from 2 months to six months. Most often, falling in love develops into love, as it is its upcoming phase. But there are exceptions to the rule - in this case, the ideal created is quickly destroyed and disappointment sets in. No need then to try to understand, at that time it still did not exist as such!

The third stage - classic love

If you have found your soul mate, then the feeling of falling in love will be replaced by love, that very aesthetic and moral feeling, expressed in a disinterested desire for a partner. True love is a selfless devotion to a dear person, a combination of actions and feelings directed at him. Researchers call this a sensual pinnacle in the relationship of subjects of opposite sexes who like each other.

Only if people really love are they ready to legitimize their relationship, so in this period, about 90 percent of marriages between a man and a woman take place. Life, however, is a cruel thing, and often unrequited love develops into real tragedies. Love is a long-lasting feeling, according to scientists, it lasts from 3 to 5 years, and then subsides, goes out, moving into the next phase of human relationships. At this stage, no need to think, it just continues to develop.

The final phase - attachment

The feeling gradually weakens, and love is replaced by affection. How to distinguish love from affection? This period comes after several years of living together, when there is no flame of passion, but there is devotion to a partner, a desire to be near. It is a feeling of calm when you are next to your loved one. According to scientists, it can last until the end of life.

But there is another important question - how to distinguish love from habit? Indeed, sometimes a person just gets used to being close to a partner, gets used to seeing only him and communicating with him. But if you leave for a while and stop seeing each other, this feeling will go away. So, this person was not needed for you.

Of course, it does not always arise according to the rules and corresponds to some scheme. A real feeling can flare up immediately, without passion or love.