The perfect storm, the perfect stranger, the perfect woman. It's time to admit that the ideal is found only in the movies - and finally stop looking for it in the mirror.

Yes, we got the right to choose - the president, education, husbands, career, lipstick color and skirt length. Glory to victorious feminism! As it turned out, we rejoiced early. The combination of endless possibilities and purely feminine perfectionism gave rise to new standards of success that would frighten the most desperate suffragettes. You won’t surprise any of your girlfriends with a flight across the Atlantic or a ministerial chair these days. To achieve universal respect, you will need at a minimum: a successful career, a happy family, impeccable appearance, a house - a full cup. Oh, we almost forgot: you also need to not go crazy from overexertion. Career

Do you really think that every woman dreams of getting a coveted position, earning a promotion and generally proving that “you deserve it”? Or is it just every careerist? Giving up professional success in order to pamper your loved ones with pies and sew dolls does not mean that you are lazy and a failure. And in general, why go to extremes? The main thing is to set your priorities in a way that makes you feel comfortable.

Do you insist? Stress, irritability, and a forgotten husband await you. But you will have much more money than time to spend it. Children

Alas, according to the law of meanness, periods of career and biological activity, as a rule, coincide, so you will have to choose one of the two or go headlong into all seriousness. However, if you chase two birds with one stone, the likelihood is too high that one of them will sit in after-school care until midnight. If you are not ready to miss concerts, matinees and parent-teacher meetings, you will have to soberly reconsider your plans for the future. For example, refuse a long-awaited promotion or an annual evening pool pass.

Do you insist? You will find children's grievances, sidelong glances from the parent committee and quotes from a school essay that “crept” into the quarterly report. beauty

If your constant companions have become: a feeling of guilt for every dessert you eat, daily hysteria at an overflowing closet, thousands of hours and millions of rubles spent on endless spa treatments, then admit it - you are a beauty victim. Times change, and so do ideas about beauty. Nowadays it is not enough to take a shower and comb your hair to be irresistible. But let's not pretend that the current acceptable standard of quality is the Beyoncé or Miranda Kerr you've seen on magazine covers. Common sense dictates (and we agree with it) that your success is not one hundred percent dependent on how dazzling your smile is, how perfect your manicure is and how high the heels you balance on. A woman thinks about her appearance from twenty to fifty times a day - and spends an incredible amount of time on this, which could be spent more usefully - mastering a new meditative technique, for example.

Do you insist? The best-case scenario awaits you - a gym three times a week, a protein diet, and the admiration of others. At worst - depression, anorexia nervosa, even less time and money for something really important.

Today women are many times more unhappy than their predecessors in the mid-twentieth century. It's all because of overvalued capabilities.

Farm

Yes, yes, a woman should reach quite masculine career heights, outshine Aphrodite with her beauty and not leave the hearth and home (in case the milk runs out). To finally convince you of this, Tina Kandelaki happily gets up to the stove to cook chkmeruli, ojakhuri and even khachapuri, and at the same time she is dressed in a Dolce & Gabbana dress. What is actually worse about you? And really nothing (except that you have a smaller staff of assistants). So manage for your health, just don’t overdo it. You don’t have to choose between a desperate housewife and a desperate one, you can just pretend that the gorgeous meat pie was actually prepared by you... With good acting, this trick will work even with Little Red Riding Hood candies.

Do you insist? Nights awaiting you at the stove with four lit burners, sterile clean mirrors in the bathroom, circles under the eyes for five rubles each. Marriage

On your menu: marriage bonds, served in a deep plate of love and respect, under a thick sauce of sex, humor and mutual understanding, generously flavored with pinches of high-carat diamonds. Otherwise, literally: divorce and maiden name? Congratulations! In your quest to find the perfect partner and build the perfect marriage with him, you have become almost like Sisyphus (with approximately the same outstanding results). It's time to come to terms with the fact that the handsome prince with whom you will live happily ever after and die one day was invented by your grandmother in collaboration with Charles Perrault. Better pay attention to the guy who has been knocking on your doorstep with a bouquet of flowers for the second week now. If all that doesn’t suit you about him is the lack of armor and a white horse, then we definitely recommend considering his candidacy.

Do you insist? You will find broken hearts from rejected suitors, mother's reproaches, girlfriends' bewilderment, disappointment, loneliness.

CORRECTED BELIEVE

Do you want to do everything well? Then get rid of the involuntary but ineradicable desire to do everything perfectly. After all, this is far from the most important thing. What is really important is to establish the right balance in your life. To understand the scale of the problem, try using a simple visual technique. Draw a circle on a piece of paper and divide it into five or more sectors - these are your areas of life. We take the center of the circle as zero, and mark ten equal segments from it in each sector. Now we determine the degree of satisfaction with each area on a ten-point scale and mark the corresponding values ​​on the axes. For example, you are completely satisfied with your financial situation - we paint ten segments in this sector, but your health is not very good, it can be assessed as five points. And so - with all sectors. This will help you understand what aspects of your life are failing and where to direct your energy to find harmony. The only requirement is to be honest with yourself, otherwise there will be no point in it.
, 22.03.2014.

There are lazy people. Are you unhappy with your figure? Let's go to the gym. Energizing and positive simply will not let you relax and... No money for the gym? Running is a great way out. It burns calories perfectly and gives you a good mood.

A professional makeup artist will tell you how to use makeup to correct certain imperfections of your face, and a hairdresser will help you learn how to work with your hair. He will also give advice on caring for them. A dermatologist can help treat problem skin. The main thing is not to try to experiment on yourself on the advice of your friends, but to immediately contact a specialist.

Correct your shortcomings with your strengths. A beautiful neckline and thin waist should be emphasized. This will distract prying eyes from heavy hips. High heels will make your legs visually longer, and massive bracelets will highlight your graceful hands.

Create your own ideal of beauty. Standards for female beauty are constantly changing. Not so long ago, curvy figures and the striking appearance of Cindy Crawford and Claudia Schiffer were in fashion. Nowadays, the discreet grace of Natalia Vodianova is appreciated. Or look at Barbra Streisand. She is beautiful, but does not at all correspond to generally accepted standards of beauty. Realize that your appearance is unique. She is no worse or better than others.

Find your biggest flaw. It could be the nose, ears, legs or something else. And start complimenting him. Every time you pass by a mirror, admire it. Let it be insincere at first. But over time, it turns out that those around you look at you completely differently. They no longer notice your “flaw.” This is how you will make yourself love your appearance.

If you want to be beautiful, be it. Act as if you are a real beauty and queen. By constantly thinking about your shortcomings, you attract people who only notice them. But someone may like both your freckles and full ankles.

After all, there is plastic surgery. If no makeup can hide your long nose, then why not eliminate this flaw. The main thing is to be able to stop in time. After all, plastic surgery is designed to eliminate existing deficiencies, and not create new ones.

Sources:

• how to love yourself and your appearance

It is unlikely that there will be a representative of the fair sex who is completely satisfied with her appearance. Even recognized divas, looking at their reflection in the mirror, notice certain shortcomings and try to disguise various flaws from prying eyes.

Are you treating yourself well? Do you pamper yourself, do you consider yourself successful, do you accept yourself with all the shortcomings and complexities of nature?

Psychologists unanimously assert that in order to solve a variety of interpersonal problems, a person must first of all love himself. Why exactly? And isn’t love for others, for loved ones, for people in general, more important? Psychologists and psychotherapists from different cities told MIR 24 about this and how to accept and love yourself in practice.

Why is it important to accept and love yourself

Psychologists agree on one thing: self-love is a basic thing necessary in order to love other people, too, and the whole world, and generally feel comfortable.

First of all, it is good for health. Self-love is the most reliable vaccination against all kinds of psychosomatic diseases and prevention of stress, says Oleg Kolmychok, a psychologist, author of trainings and hypnosis specialist from Krasnodar.

Psychologist, full member of the professional psychotherapeutic league Larisa Nesterova from Omsk spoke even more clearly:

It's simple... If a person doesn't love himself, he explicitly or implicitly defines himself as “not good enough” and does not feel worthy. This closes the door to success in various fields for him. He often takes the position of a victim and receives pity or “kicks” from those around him.

We can fully love others and enjoy this love only when we know how to love ourselves, says Lyudmila Yushchenko, a psychologist from the city of Kamensk-Uralsky.

- “Love your neighbor as yourself” - Jesus called this commandment the second most important. A person can learn to love, accept and understand others only when he knows how to love, understand and accept himself for who he really is, she told MIR 24.

Psychologist, supervisor, Gestalt therapist from Moscow Marina Ashimikhina agrees with her.

The German philosopher Erich Fromm said that if you do not love yourself, you cannot love another person, she believes. - For me, loving yourself means feeling yourself, your desires, needs, treating yourself with care, creating your resources and using them wisely, and not using yourself with all your might when exhaustion sets in. Also, in order to see, understand and love another, you need to understand and love yourself: Who am I? What am I? How do I? If you learn to respond to your pain, joy, your desires, then you will be able to respond to the feelings of another person close to you.

Psychologist and psychoanalyst from Moscow Dmitry Basov warns that in the everyday minds of people, self-love is often confused with selfishness or narcissism.

I like that definition,” he says. - Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love. In this case, the words “give”, “do for”, “care” become synonyms for the word “love”. And not “need”, “wait”, “suffer”... The basis of self-love is the ability to take care of yourself, to satisfy your real needs. This is necessary for the survival, development and normal functioning of an adult. Without basic self-love, a person simply will not survive, or will be extremely unhappy, dependent and depressed. Only a mature person who knows how to take care of himself can love others. A person who does not love himself can only be needy and call his dependence love.

How to understand that it's time to change your attitude towards yourself

Psychologist Yulia Kupreikina believes that this is not difficult to understand.

Do you consider yourself a failure? Do you feel like there is nothing attractive about you to the opposite sex? All these thoughts are reflected not only on your face, but also in your behavior, in your daily communication with friends, colleagues, and relatives, she says.

“If a person endures something for a long time in contact with others and suffers, if he doesn’t like his own life, then it’s worth thinking about,” says Larisa Nesterova. - Only it’s hardly worth “changing yourself”, but discovering the real you and loving the real you is very much so.

This understanding comes to each person differently, says Lyudmila Yushchenko. - And it depends on the person himself. If he thinks about why he is not appreciated, not respected, or why someone is constantly manipulating him, then these are clear signs of self-dislike. And something needs to be done about this.

As a rule, a state of depression reminds us that it’s time to take care of ourselves, says Dmitry Basov. - When one’s own “I” is in the shadow of the “object” in a passive position. When there is no faith in ourselves, when we think that something good can only happen thanks to the efforts of other people, and not our own. Also, a criterion that you need to pay attention to self-love is the absence of close and emotionally warm, stable love relationships. A person who loves himself, and does not suffer from selfishness, always finds a stable and satisfying relationship where he is loved.

How to learn to love yourself

So what to do, how to love yourself with all your shortcomings? - we asked psychologists. And how should our self-love be practically, effectively expressed?

You can imagine being your own parent. And learn to love yourself from this position - learn to feel your needs and desires, accept mistakes as experience, give yourself support, etc. But it’s unlikely that you can do this on your own better than working with a psychologist,” says Larisa Nesterova.

“Feeling myself, approving, giving myself support, taking care of myself, nurturing myself, not allowing myself to be used, etc.” - she advises taking this attitude as a basis.

Lyudmila Yushchenko suggests using very specific techniques:

First, learn to see the positive qualities in yourself and others, no matter how difficult it may be, she advises. - Secondly, give yourself and others compliments every day. Just remember: your compliments must be sincere and truthful. They should also be constantly new, and not resemble a “broken record.” Thirdly, set goals for yourself, no matter how small, but be sure to achieve them! And every time you achieve it, praise yourself and thank yourself for your perseverance, for your work, for your efforts. After all, praise inspires. But avoid general phrases like “you’re great.”

Psychologist Yulia Kupreikina also shares her secrets:

Stop comparing yourself to standards, she says. - Remember that even successful businessmen and recognized beautiful models are not without complexes. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into two columns. On the right write your strengths, on the left – what you would like to change about yourself. If you try to be objective, you will see that you have no less positive qualities than reasons for dissatisfaction with yourself and the cultivation of complexes.

At the end of each day, Julia advises summing up positive results, remembering what you did best today. And also, look at your reflection in the mirror more often and don’t forget to smile. Try to find kind words every day and say them to your reflection!
Psychologist Oleg Kolmychok believes that self-love should first of all be expressed in self-care. About your health, about your appearance, about satisfying your own desires, and not someone else’s. In obligatory observance of information hygiene - it is necessary to load the brain less with all sorts of negativity.

Self-love is, first of all, taking care of your development: intellectual, spiritual, psychological, professional,” he told the correspondent World 24 psychologist Dmitry Basov. - Secondly, this is the ability to create comfort around yourself - both physical and emotional. Thirdly, this is the ability to rejoice in your achievements, successes, your development and forgive yourself for mistakes and failures.

What if the meaning of life is caring for others?

There are people for whom caring for children, family, and other people is the meaning of life. Do they need to learn to love themselves more? Do I need to change myself for this?

It’s their right to choose whether they should study or not,” says psychologist Larisa Nesterova. - But a mature person is not only someone who cares about others. And a person who forgets about himself cannot really effectively care for others. Due to the lack of such experience with himself, he misses a lot. And with his behavior he demonstrates how to give of himself without reserve. And thus he teaches his loved ones how not to love themselves. In addition, there is a life crisis called “Chicks leave their nest.” When a person who is overly concerned about his children arranges his life, he is left without meaning. How will he continue to live if he does not find new meaning? Big question.

I frankly feel sorry for such people and those they “care about,” says Lyudmila Yushchenko. - Such people sacrifice themselves to others, and this sacrifice may ultimately turn out to be of no use to anyone. Moreover, such a sacrifice causes pain and suffering for both those who care and those who are cared for.

Psychologist Marina Ashimikhina admits that in our society it is customary to sacrifice oneself, to live for the sake of someone.

True, many of those who sacrifice themselves do not ask whether another person needs this sacrifice, she laments. - Parents often say this: “I live for the sake of my children!” And in old age, they remake this phrase into this: “I put my whole life on you, and look how you treated me!” Another person becomes the meaning of life when it is impossible to find meaning in your own life. Most often, such people build emotionally dependent relationships. It is difficult for them to rely on themselves, they experience panic and fear when they are left alone. And if the one who made up the meaning of life leaves, then the person himself “disappears, stops living, freezes.” Such people, first of all, need to turn to themselves, but it is difficult for them to believe that their problem is not that someone else has left, but that the person himself does not know how to come to himself. And up to 90% of all clients come to me with such a problem.

Excessive concern for others is a problematic aspect, says Dmitry Basov. - As a rule, the stimulus for such behavior is a deep internal deficit, a lack of faith in oneself, in one’s worth, necessity and uniqueness. Excessive concern for another acts as a desire to confirm one’s importance, not to feel in need of care, but to feel strong and confident. Such people, as a rule, act on the principle: put on a sweater - I'm cold! Excessive concern for another, from a psychological point of view, is a perverted form of self-care. I cannot take care of myself because I feel shame, guilt, helplessness... Then I place my “childish” part in another person and take care of him as if he were me, while at the same time I can allow myself to feel important, needed and almighty. As a rule, people who have undergone psychoanalytic psychotherapy, having learned to love themselves, begin to care for others only at their request and do what is important not for themselves, but for the one for whom this care is intended.

Oleg Kolmychok is even more decisive in his recommendations.

How is self-love different from selfishness?

How to understand where the border lies, does self-love mean ordinary selfishness? Psychologists clearly separate these concepts.

Lyudmila Yushchenko reminds us that selfishness is behavior entirely determined by the thought of one’s own benefit, benefit, when an individual puts his own interests above the interests of others (this is a quote from Wikipedia).

A person who loves himself will never consider himself superior to others, she says. - He knows his value, and accordingly knows that every person is as valuable as himself. Therefore, he will treat others with respect and love.

Ideally, when a person truly loves himself, he generously gives it to others from the excess of love within himself. Remembers his own interests, but tries to be careful with others. An egoist “goes over his head” in the name of achieving his own goals, says Larisa Nesterova.

Dmitry Basov explains that egoism, like narcissism, is a defense mechanism of our psyche.

Selfishness is designed to hide the inner emptiness through an attempt to fill oneself with external things, he told a Mir 24 correspondent. - As if candy, cosmetics, a cool car or spa treatments can compensate for the lack of love and care from childhood. As a rule, egoism satisfies false needs that make up the façade of personality. An egoist always pulls the blanket over himself, not paying attention to how others feel. It’s as if he throws out his “needy” part, placing it in others: let others freeze and starve, but I will be fed and clothed...

Self-love and true care always take into account the interests of those around you, since for a healthy person it is important that the people close to you feel good. And most importantly, self-love helps us satisfy the real deep needs for love, understanding, acceptance, which a selfish or narcissistic person prefers to ignore in himself, since they are too painful for him.

Veronika Zhitina, a psychologist and coach from Tomsk, told a Mir 24 correspondent:

Often the search for an answer to this question turns into “swimming between Scylla and Charybdis,” between fears that others will judge, accuse of selfishness, and the desire to show one’s individuality and realize oneself. Self-love is, first of all, accepting yourself as you are with your strengths and weaknesses, a feeling of your integrity. Egoism, on the contrary, does not want to see or admit its shortcomings; there are attempts to compare oneself with others in one’s favor, emphasizing those aspects of oneself that one likes and in which one is confident; the focus of attention of egoism is focused only on one’s own needs, ignoring others. Egoism lacks a holistic perception of oneself, another, the situation, therefore, perhaps, it is better to look not for the boundary between self-love and selfishness, but to develop a different perception of oneself and the world, to shift one’s focus from the particulars to the whole. As the ancients said: I am in the world and the world is in me.

Tatyana Rubleva talked with psychologists

Is your self-esteem low? Don't you know how to love yourself, despite all your shortcomings? Do complexes prevent you from living normally, communicating with others, studying and working? If you answered “yes” to at least one question, then you have serious problems that need to be solved urgently.

How does self-dislike manifest itself?

Symptoms of low self-esteem are usually the same for everyone. They are difficult to identify in yourself, and therefore it is better to rely on common factors.

• You don’t like your reflection in the mirror, or vice versa, you look at yourself too often and for a long time, looking for flaws. You don’t like to be photographed, you always find flaws in the pictures, you think that you are ruining the photographs. You don’t forgive yourself for what you close others’ eyes to. For example, if a plump friend complains about being overweight, you will support her, but you are ready to reproach yourself for not fitting into your old school uniform.
• You don't like meeting new people because you're afraid they won't like you.
• You take all sidelong glances, chuckles or whispers personally.
• You don't believe praise and consider any positive feedback as false words and hypocrisy.
• You are afraid to refuse others, to tell them the truth to their face, or to get your way because you are afraid of losing them. You think they are doing you a favor. Sometimes you want to be liked too much.
• Online, you can write unpleasant things to others, after depriving them of the opportunity to be rude in response. But even that doesn't make you feel better.

All this together poisons your existence and prevents you from enjoying life. Before moving on to solving the problem and learning how to get rid of complexes, you need to find out the reasons that have so greatly affected your self-esteem.

How to love yourself? Eliminate complexes!

• Family

As sad as it is, many girls are morally destroyed by their own relatives. In one case, too demanding and callous parents put pressure on children with perfectionism, in the other, on the contrary, they assert themselves. For example, mothers who are aging and losing their attractiveness, without realizing it, convince their daughters that they are ugly, and unsuccessful careerists convince the child of stupidity and incompetence. The girl not only acquires an inferiority complex and a desire to please her parents, but also constantly feels not good enough.

• School

Children inflict the greatest damage on self-esteem, from ordinary teasing to serious struggle for a place in the school hierarchy. The subject of ridicule can be anything - from flaws in appearance to the salary of parents. The most cunning girls manage to trample even a beautiful and talented classmate in order to eliminate their rival.
Teachers do not lag behind their students in this regard. It is easier to manage a class of notorious and downtrodden children. However, instead of suppressing hooligans, they prefer to break the defenseless and quiet. And if the child can still fight back against his classmates, he can’t do anything against the teacher.
Very rarely, the problem of self-esteem worries parents, especially if they themselves are working to reduce it, so the child can help himself when he grows up.

A very important step on the path to loving yourself is to decide why you need adequate self-esteem.

Ask yourself: why love yourself? So many people live filled with self-hatred. Some even find advantages in this, considering their excessive perfectionism useful, and excessive modesty a virtue. Indeed, these are good qualities, but when they overshadow others, they begin to work against you.

It's sad, but until you love yourself, you won't be able to open your heart to others. You may not want to cause suffering to those around you, but you still unwittingly project your complexes onto them. With your suspicion and suspiciousness you repel. And love will attract others.
When you love yourself, there is harmony in your soul. You are calm and confident. Such wonderful human qualities as courage and optimism will be revealed in you. You can take on any job and not be afraid of difficulties. Even if something doesn't work out for you, you will always find a way to fix it.

How to increase your self-esteem?

There are some things you can do on your own, and some things that a psychologist can help you with. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, because the soul also requires treatment.

1. Start by stopping making excuses for those who cultivated complexes and self-dislike in you. There is no need to be deceived by the fact that they wanted the best for you, this is not so. They shouldn't have done this to you and distorted your soul.
2. After that you must forgive them. Paradoxical as it may seem. Admit their guilt and forgive. In this way, you will let go of the past and you can begin to grow your self-esteem the way you want.
3. Take two large sheets of paper. On the first write “Appearance”, on the second “Character” and draw two columns in them. First, find what you like about your appearance and write it down. In the other column, mark what you don’t like. Choose exactly what doesn’t suit you and what prevents you from living, achieving your goals and fulfilling your dreams.
4. Carefully study each negative trait and think about what you can do to improve it. Write it down step by step and as you correct it, put it in the column with positive features. Do the same on the piece of paper where “Character” is written.
5. Then you start working on the shortcomings that you want to correct. As you proceed, don’t be shy about asking others for help. Meet all failures philosophically, that is, analyze why something didn’t work out for you and what needs to be done to fix it. You change yourself to make yourself comfortable, and not to please others.
6. Find like-minded people who will support you. For example, if you want to lose weight, keep an online diary, record your progress, and share tips with others. Develop your talents, communicate with professionals, rejoice at every positive review and take criticism wisely.

Remember: when you correct your shortcomings, you do not turn into a comfortable and pleasant person for others. You become loved by yourself. You prove that you are strong and that you will also be able to overcome other obstacles.

There are some things you won't be able to change about yourself. There is nothing bad in this, because every person should have something positive and negative. All those shortcomings that you cannot change make you a unique person. Without them, your virtues would not be so wonderful.

The main quality you will acquire along this path is courage. You can do anything: do work of any complexity, not be afraid to take responsibility for mistakes, bravely enter into conflicts, defend your point of view, achieve your goal, protect friends and loved ones. Your courage and self-confidence will open up new horizons and opportunities.
There is nothing better than loving yourself. You will become an open, harmonious and integral person who values ​​himself for every moment of the wonderful life he has lived.