Of course, each case is individual. And if possible, it is better to contact specialists. Our center offers interesting programs for teenagers. But let's look at this problem anyway.

Closedness, the feeling of inferiority characteristic of this age sometimes develops into self-isolation, making it difficult to communicate with others and choose a life path.
It is necessary to tactfully and gently talk with the teenager and try to understand the reason for his condition. Naturally, after the first conversation, he will not pour out his whole soul to you. The main task of parents at this stage is to make it clear to the teenager that you love him and are ready to help when he needs it. It is important to say that he is very dear to his parents and that is why they are concerned.

So, teenage isolation- This is most often a psychological problem, namely a reaction to a traumatic event. Parents in this situation need to help their child change their attitude towards this event. This can be done through conversations, switching to exciting active activities.

It is a known fact that this problem is less likely to occur in families where there are several children who can support each other. But if even in such a family a teenager withdraws, then it is easier to cope with it.
A person in his development goes through several crisis stages. The teenage period is rightfully considered one of the most difficult, since during this period a critical attitude towards the outside world and towards oneself is formed.

« The teenager has withdrawn into himself“Perhaps this is the most common problem that parents come up with. In the modern world, it is further aggravated by the rapid development of information technology. After all, if previously the child simply “withdrew into himself” for a while, now he goes into virtual reality. But at the same time, the reasons for isolation remained the same.
Isolation does not appear unexpectedly; it is often the result of a protracted internal conflict, which manifests itself in alarming signals in behavior:

1. The child has problems with friends and at school;
2. The teenager speaks openly with his parents less and less often;
3. Loses interest in his hobbies and interests: leaves clubs and sports sections; Withdraws from family life;
4. Hides his emotions and experiences, sometimes showing excessive aggression.

The sooner parents notice these changes in their child, the easier and simpler it will be to resolve the situation.

Some of the reasons for isolation in adolescence:

• The reason may be the parents’ difficult relationship with each other, frequent quarrels or alienation, which can cause a feeling of alienation in the teenager;
• Frequent conflicts at school and among peers;
• Overestimation of the world around us and frequent disappointment in it.

What to do when your child withdraws into himself?

It is necessary to tactfully and gently talk with the teenager and try to understand the reason for his condition. Naturally, after the first conversation, he will not pour out his whole soul to you. The main task of parents at this stage is to make it clear to the teenager that you love him and are ready to help when he needs it. It is important to say that he is very dear to his parents and that is why they are concerned.
Also try to involve him in walks and exciting family activities outside the home, especially if the teenager sits near the computer.
It is not recommended to leave a teenager alone in such a situation, as he can think of anything to himself. It is extremely important to help the child see prospects and their own value for them, and also to make it clear that their parents will help them achieve their goals and dreams in life. When talking with a child, you can describe in vivid colors the moment when the teenager achieved his intended goal. The main thing is to help the child believe in his strengths and capabilities.
So, teenage isolation is most often a psychological problem, namely a reaction to a traumatic event. Parents in this situation need to help their child change their attitude towards this event. This can be done through conversations, switching to exciting active activities.
It is a known fact that this problem is less likely to occur in families where there are several children who can support each other. But if even in such a family a teenager withdraws, then it is easier to cope with it.

Often parents begin to sound the alarm about their children’s isolation. And they turn to a psychologist for advice. And, I must say, they are doing absolutely the right thing, since this problem cannot be solved hastily, much less ask about the child’s isolation.

This approach can only make everything worse, because isolation can be replaced by even greater isolation. The psychologist will try to help find the reasons for isolation, and then, together with parents and loved ones, he will be able to develop the correct tactics of action so that this problem is gradually reduced to nothing.

Symptoms of a withdrawn child

At first, it is worth clearly understanding that isolation is a defense mechanism; it is in it that the child finds salvation and is recharged with energy. The outside world in some of its manifestations can be painful, which is why the child tries to separate from it. Many children may withdraw into themselves in various situations, but the presence of certain symptoms should alert parents and prompt them to take action. What are these symptoms?

• The child speaks very little, may say nothing at all or speaks in a whisper.
• It is very difficult to join any new team; he keeps himself apart from everyone else.
• The child avoids expressing his opinion.
• Fear of doing something new.
• The child either has few friends or none at all.
• The child does not support the conversation and very often ends it with the standard phrase “I don’t know.”
• The child is overly cautious in words and actions, there are no spontaneous manifestations, although there is an internal desire.
• An unusual hobby or a desire to have an exotic animal: a snake, a frog, a chameleon, various insects.

In addition to behavioral symptoms, withdrawn children exhibit psychosomatic manifestations:

• Introverted people have shallow breathing.
• Confinement is often accompanied by pain in the abdominal area.
• Introverted children lack gesticulation. Very often such children keep their hands in their pockets or behind their backs. The arms can be pressed tightly to the body or hang limply like whips.

Do not confuse a child's isolation with introversion. In order to distinguish one from the other, you will need the help of a psychologist who, through simple tests and observations, can do this. Introverts are characterized by a certain isolation and there is nothing wrong with that. This is a feature of temperament.

A withdrawn child may even make a good impression, seem well-mannered and reserved. At school, he can show good academic results, and teachers can set them as an example for other students. Moreover, the isolation of boys and girls is perceived differently by society, due to existing stereotypes.

Boys are always expected to be more active than girls, so isolation is easier to detect. And the isolation of girls is often perceived as a virtue: modesty, good manners. And late diagnosed girlish isolation can ultimately lead to greater problems than boys in the future.

Reasons for isolation

Any isolation of a child is a consequence of any reasons that led to such a state. What are the most typical reasons for this?

First of all, isolation can arise as a result of resentment for something or grief from the actions or inaction of adults and peers. For example, a child tried to express his sincere feelings, and in response received ridicule from surrounding peers or the absence of any reaction from parents or teachers. Too strict and sometimes cruel punishment for an offense also often leads to hidden grievances.

In families where excessive attention is paid to the “correct” behavior of the child, very often increased demands are placed on him. This is expressed in the fact that at school he must have only excellent grades in all subjects, regardless of his aptitude for certain sciences.

In sports, only loud victories are expected from a child, but in everyday life he is burdened with a mass of difficult responsibilities. Naturally, such parents immediately shift any failure that inevitably comes from time to time onto the shoulders of their child, and this only contributes to isolation.

In the life of any person - both an adult and a child - difficult situations arise that require solutions. And instead of teaching a child to divide a complex problem into a number of simple ones, adults send him to look for a solution himself. Very often, children cannot cope with this on their own, which gives rise to a feeling of inferiority, leading to isolation.

A child’s serious illness or frequent illness, the illness of loved ones and worry about them can also become reasons for isolation. The loss of pets, your favorites, in childhood is especially difficult. If misunderstanding and indifference of adults is added to this, then very often this leads to isolation.

Any family member, including children, must participate in family affairs. If the child’s opinion is not asked or he is not trusted, then he may feel unnecessary and redundant. Children tend to shift this onto themselves, so they show inferiority by being excessively withdrawn.

Most often, it is difficult for parents of a withdrawn child to figure out the reasons on their own, so the help of a professional psychologist will be very helpful.

What can a child’s isolation lead to in the future?

The more the child’s isolation remains, the more it strengthens and progresses, and in adult life, having already settled down, it will create a lot of problems and even greatly influence fate. What could be the consequences of problems unresolved in childhood?

• Unresolved childhood isolation leads to the fact that the child will grow into an extremely indecisive adult, incapable of taking decisive steps.
• The ridicule of others will not only continue, but also get worse. This can develop into a persistent inferiority complex.
• Children's isolation easily develops into problems when communicating with the opposite sex. Often closed and indecisive people cannot talk about their feelings, which can lead to loneliness.
• Satisfying social, material, sexual, personal and psychological problems is a big problem for closed people.
• Constant internal overly self-critical self-control will not allow you to freely realize yourself even in your favorite activity.
• An unresolved problem with isolation can cause serious mental disorders requiring compulsory treatment or even suicide.

Parents who discover a state of isolation in a child should try to resolve this as quickly as possible, without forcing things. Just as this problem did not come in one day, its solution may take some time. Therefore, patience and a competent approach will be your best allies.

What to do?

The use of force when solving the problems of a child’s isolation is the worst solution, so you need to show, firstly, restraint, and secondly, consistency. It can be very difficult to develop the correct sequence on your own, so you should not avoid the help of a psychologist.

Most problems with a child’s isolation are typical, they already have effective solutions, and a psychologist, first of all, identifies and helps solve typical problems.

• Closedness most often accompanies intellectually developed people, so it is worth perceiving the child as he is and taking into account his abilities for self-criticism, which can greatly help in adult life.
• When communicating with a child, you should remember that a person has two ears and one mouth, so we should listen at least twice as much as we talk. It is necessary to give more opportunities to the child to speak, without pressing with parental authority.
• When talking to children, never say that isolation is a serious problem.
• When communicating, you need to note that fears are just unexplored possibilities. After a person does things that are scary for him, they will eventually become commonplace and carry enormous opportunities.
• The child should always be trusted and any issues affecting the whole family should be discussed together.
• You should always allow your child to self-realize through drawing, singing, stories and other creative activities. The main thing is not to limit anything.
• Calmly tell your child about relationships with the opposite sex. Note that there are many more reasons for good interaction in communication than for conflict.
• When a child directly asks about his problem of isolation, one should not try to get around this question by saying that there is no such problem. It is better to try to discuss everything together, identify all fears and grievances, and also try to cooperate in solving problems.
• Praise for good deeds or punishment for misdeeds should follow immediately, and the child should clearly know why the parents act this way.

The main thing in solving all psychological problems in a child is still sincerity. If parents truly love their children, they will always find the right approach and attract the right specialists.

The second important factor is timeliness. Any problem that is not treated in time can develop into a chronic form, which will be more difficult to deal with. Therefore, you must love your children and always help them. Understand that it can actually be very difficult for them!

How to help a child in this situation?

1. Psychologically support the child. Encourage your child to talk about his experiences, listen carefully to him, do not evaluate, do not give advice. Try to communicate with the teenager in a friendly manner (since adolescence is characterized by the fact that parents lose their authority, and the opinions of peers become more important). Express your sympathy and understanding, voice the child’s feelings (for example, “I understand how offended you are,” “You want the guys to be friends with you,” etc.). Show your attention and concern. At the same time, do not show your excessive concern about the child’s problem, so as not to aggravate the situation. Start talking to your child about a problem when you see that he is ready for it, when he himself touches on this topic (do not use the word “problem”).

2. Try to understand the reasons for the child’s rejection by peers. By observing the child, talking with teachers, with the school psychologist and with the child himself, you can find out what exactly is preventing him from making friends and successfully communicating with peers. It could be:

Low self-esteem, self-doubt, shyness. Shyness and modesty are, in general, positive character traits. Modest people evoke respect and sympathy from many; it is pleasant to communicate with them. But everything is good in moderation. It’s bad when these traits prevent a person from building relationships with other people. A person who is too modest and shy experiences great difficulties in communication; it is difficult for him to adapt to a new environment. Shy teenagers are afraid of failures in communication and often refuse to participate in joint games or some kind of public affairs. They are closed for communication.

A child with low self-esteem considers himself unworthy of attention and respect and behaves accordingly. Considering himself not good enough, smart, or beautiful, he causes the same attitude towards himself from his peers and is not popular, does not arouse interest and desire to communicate with him.

Uncertainty manifests itself in the child’s constant doubts and indecisiveness. A child who is insecure rarely shows activity and does not take the first steps towards interacting with other children. It is also difficult for him to respond to the initiative of his peers.

Aggression, inability to communicate and establish contact.

A child who behaves aggressively towards other children is unlikely to gain their sympathy. Children will try to stay away from anyone who can cause them any harm. Experiencing difficulties in establishing contact, the child does not know how to attract attention to himself, how to respond to any actions or words, and behaves aggressively and inappropriately, because doesn't know how to react differently. This may be the result of an authoritarian parenting style by parents, which causes the child to become embittered; or, on the contrary, permissiveness leads to the formation of egoism.

Features of appearance, manner of dressing, lack of personal hygiene.

Teenagers attach special importance to appearance. And if a person’s figure or face seems unattractive to them, then they do not try to evaluate the positive qualities of his personality and do not show interest in this person. Teenagers “meet and judge their peers by their clothes.” They pay attention to how fashionably and neatly a person is dressed.

The child’s workload with studies and extracurricular activities.

The child may simply not have enough time for any joint activities with friends. An open, friendly teenager may experience a lack of communication due to a busy schedule. Of course, it is necessary to pay enough attention to education, but simple human communication is no less important for personal development than learning. In friendship, a child develops such character qualities as loyalty, the ability to empathize, diplomatic skills, etc. It is easier for a child to adapt to new conditions and generally endure various hardships in life with the support of a friend.

3. Change your behavior, change your style of communication with your child.

Parenting influences a child’s success in communication. Not only innate character qualities determine how sociable a child will become, but also what he sees in his family - how family members communicate with each other and with strangers, how open they are to communication, whether they trust strangers, whether they go on friendly terms with them. contact. The child learns from the example of his parents how to interact with others. If you are friendly with others, sociable, the child sees that you easily make new acquaintances, are hospitable, and are generally open to communication, then he will behave the same way. If you yourself are aggressive, distrustful of people you don’t know, often criticize, discuss someone, then the child adopts this style of behavior, learns to condemn and criticize, and develops a negative attitude towards other people. The child learns to see only negative qualities in people and to suspect.

If you often criticize and condemn a child, then he develops a negative attitude towards himself. This greatly interferes with communication, because... the child considers himself simply unworthy of the attention of others. Hearing constant comments addressed to him, the child concludes that he is nothing of himself and will not be interesting to others, is afraid to take the initiative in communication, is afraid of being rejected. Do not make comments to the teenager in front of others; do not demand from other children that they accept it, by doing this you will only undermine the child’s authority. Praise your child more often and pay attention to his strengths. Support your child’s faith in his own strength in every possible way.

4. Encourage your child to constantly practice their communication skills.

Create as many situations as possible in which the child will have to communicate with other children. It’s good if a child is involved in a club or sports section, where he can find friends with similar interests. Support him whenever he takes the initiative to communicate and behaves in a friendly and open manner.

5. Help your child take responsibility for his successes/failures in communication.

We need to help the child understand that the attitude of his peers towards him depends on how he himself treats them and how he behaves. A psychologist can help you with this. You can invite your child to attend communication training.

If a teenager has no friends, his peers do not accept him, then he has some kind of psychological problems. And failures and rejection from peers only make the problems worse. For a child to be successful, he needs to be happy, because it is not without reason that they say: “As long as you are happy, you will have many friends.” Give your child as many positive experiences as possible - travel, holidays, little surprises on weekdays. “Make friends” with your teenager, become for him the person he can always turn to for advice and help.

Bykovskaya N.Yu., Head of the Center for Work with Parents of the Educational Institution of Further Education "IROOO".

Usually, cheerful teenagers who achieve success everywhere grow into equally active, successful people for whom everything is harmonious both in their personal lives and at work. But what if your son or daughter is not interested in anything? How to motivate a child and help him realize that the one who walks can master the road? Rambler/Family provides the opinions of qualified psychologists.

1. Love

Teenage passivity is common. Instead of enjoying life and making new acquaintances, boys and girls withdraw into themselves, spending all their free time within four walls. If you are a parent who is watching with despair a despondent teenager, do not give up, this “disease” can be treated.

“Ask yourself the main question: how did you get to this point? - advises psychologist Viktor Redin. - Yes, yes, exactly you! Because a child who has no interest in life is a child who needs love. Think about whether you are paying enough attention to him? When was the last time you told your son or daughter about your hobbies? When we didn’t talk about his bad grades or his dirty sweater that needed to be washed, but talked as friends?”

Often, it is indifferent parents who are too carried away with their responsibilities that become the cause of children's despondency.

There is a well-known method in psychology called the “green pen”. It is based on the fact that you do not scold the child for his failures, copying the style of the teacher who corrects mistakes with a red pen. On the contrary, you pay attention to what your son or daughter does well (as if you were emphasizing the merits with a green pen).

Try to look at life through the eyes of a teenager. Tell us how, at his age, you ran from class to rehearsal of the school band or how you developed photographs for the first time. This will promote spiritual unity and melt the ice.

2. Make the correct “diagnosis”

Teenagers are usually hyperactive. But we are all different, and we often meet people who are calm, slow and passive by nature. Artem Tolokonin, psychologist, psychotherapist, sexologist, creator and owner of the Center for Family Psychology and Psychotherapy, believes that first you need to find out if there is a problem. If passivity is a character trait, then usually parents who are accustomed to a sluggish child do not sound the alarm.

“Even as a child, he was quiet, shy, and preferred to give the initiative to others,” they say in such cases about a passive adult.

Why be surprised then?! Another thing is that such behavior can lead to many problems in the future. Artem Tolokonin notes the presence of certain techniques that, if necessary, will help correct passive behavior in youth.

The alarm should be sounded if the child suddenly suddenly manifests character traits that are not characteristic of him.

3. Look for contact

sad girl at her desk

Problems begin when internal contact between parents and children is lost. What to do? The most important thing here is not to fall into a mentor position and not say, rolling your eyes: “Just look! What have you become? Turn off the computer, go for a walk, chat with friends.” It is important to establish contact with the child. In adolescence, children are still strongly psychologically dependent on their parents and are usually ready for dialogue, so establishing friendship will not be so difficult.

Teenagers urgently need love and close psychological contact with their parents. If there is enough parental love, then the child is confident in himself and is not afraid to actively express himself. Therefore, be careful not to lose touch with your child: talk to him, find common activities, patiently, without lectures or moralizing, explain things that he may not yet understand.

4. Play sports

Alexandra Kitaeva, a child psychologist at the Medicine clinic, believes that physical activity is necessary to activate a teenager. It can be any sport you like, martial arts or dancing. Of course, sport is not the only means; constructive communication between family members has not been canceled.

“Many parents do not want to get into the soul of a teenager, fearing to provoke an aggressive reaction with intrusive questions,” comments Alexandra Kitaeva. - And sometimes I say: “Climb!” An aggressive reaction is an awakening of emotions, an attempt to pull the teenager out of a dark dive. After all, the main point of avoiding passivity is to gain pleasure from activity, that is, from life.”

5. Let yourself be understood

Our society has already formed stereotypes: “Activity is good”, “Active people are successful”, “Passivity is a property of the lazy”. They try to set those who stand out from the friendly system of dynamic and productive people on the right path. Proof of this is the shelves in bookstores, which are bursting with psychological guides to the world of success. On the covers of such books, people with a white-toothed smile express an active position with their entire appearance.

But a teenager has a slightly different perception of reality. Children in adolescence experience an identity crisis, rethinking themselves.

“They spend a lot of energy building their own picture of the world, that is, all activity occurs “inside” and may be invisible to an external observer,” says Nadezhda Safyan, a specialist at Gestalt Consulting.

Passivity can be natural if a teenager does not know where and how to realize himself in the future; if he needs time to understand who he is, what he wants, what he is striving for. This is deep internal work and it is important not to rush, but to give the teenager time. The best solution: have a heart-to-heart talk with your child; find out about his doubts without giving any advice. Let your teen know that searching for their true self is normal, especially at their age.

Unfortunately, many parents and teachers tend to push a slow young man or girl to make important decisions: choosing a profession, a university to enroll in, a city to live in. In most cases, sudden decisions are regretted. A choice made in haste will not bring joy. Remember: the quieter you drive, the further you will go.

6. Be aware of signs of depression

girl lying on the floor

The most common cause of passivity in a big city is depression. “The main signs are a decrease in mood, physical and cognitive activity,” explains Alexandra Kitaeva, a child psychologist at the Meditsina clinic. “If these three signs of depression are present in your child’s behavior for a sufficiently long period, this may be a reason to contact a specialist.”

If a child is constantly in a bad mood, prefers to lie on the couch all day long, shows no interest in studying, and is indifferent to new events, this is a basis for diagnosing a depressive disorder.

The overall picture is complemented by a constant feeling of fatigue, depression, and melancholy. “When I got up in the morning, I was already tired” - this is the principle used by those who are in the grip of depression.

7. Don’t go overboard with activity.

We are used to thinking that activity is always good. I wonder if there is destructive activity? The answer to this question is positive in the case when, through dynamism, the child tries to drown out internal anxiety.

“For example, in order not to experience strong feelings, a teenager loads himself with vigorous activity. And he doesn’t have time to stop and think and feel,” says Nadezhda Safyan, a specialist at Gestalt Consulting. - Thus, he hides deep feelings both from his parents and from himself. There can also be chaotic activity, when a child strives to enroll in different clubs, sports sections, and meet with different companies - this type of activity is quite “adequate”, because a teenager is looking for himself, trying out different options for activities.

8. Contact a specialist

So, you understand that your child, for one reason or another, has taken a passive position. Should he be helped to change by seeking support from a specialist?

"Need to! - child psychologist Alexandra Kitaeva is sure. - Each case of adolescent passivity is individual and should be considered separately to identify the causes and competent treatment of the condition. Why is it still recommended to consult a specialist? Not all depression can be healed by providing a psychologically favorable atmosphere and a set of psychotherapeutic measures. Endogenous depression, for example, which is caused by a hereditary genetic factor, requires drug treatment. What are the dangers of depression in adolescence? The fact is that the desire to live disappears. And depression is the most common cause of suicide.”

Uncommunicative, withdrawn teenager. For his parents, his lack of communication is the cause of insomnia and painful experiences. They understand that it is quite difficult for him to get along in a group, and they try by all means to get their silent sphinx to talk.

How can you “talk” a child, open his heart to meet people, give him the joy of communication?

Some take radical measures - sending them to children’s holiday camps, enrolling them in group sports (for example, football). Such mothers and fathers believe that if a child is put in a situation of having to communicate and do some things collectively, then he will begin to actively and easily maintain relationships with others, since he does not have the choice to “speak or remain silent.”

However, in this case, the child will become even more withdrawn, will avoid his parents, and will be afraid of their unpredictable initiative, care and such cruel love.

There is no need to force him to communicate if he is not yet ready for this. The child himself must be drawn to interact with others and want to be in contact with them. If he lacks communication, he will gradually begin to try to find common topics with other people.

So, what should you take care of first? First, eliminate existing complexes and not create new ones. Secondly, create situations that promote communication: more joint activities, events, hikes, trips.

What can interfere with free communication? For example, an inferiority complex, fear of being ridiculed, misunderstood. Perhaps he approached his parents more than once at home, because he needed advice, a listener, but did not find support. Maybe the adults considered his problems funny, far-fetched, not worth attention; maybe they had no time or were not then inclined to have a heart-to-heart conversation with their beloved child. But he closed himself off, hid within himself, defended himself: they wouldn’t offend him, they wouldn’t hurt him. It is very difficult to restore trust in this case.

Overload with studies, extracurricular activities, and household responsibilities. The child is so exhausted in the evening that he simply does not have enough energy to communicate. Friendship connections are gradually lost, he gets used to communicating less.

Another reason for the inability and reluctance to communicate is social networks, which allow you to have virtual acquaintances and behave more naturally with them than in real communication. There are no obligations, resentments, or attachments here. It’s easy, fun, interesting – they communicate. At the slightest inconvenience or problem, you can immediately stop communicating. Forever. Moreover, without the need to explain your behavior, without worries, hopes. In real life it doesn't work that way.

Excessive passion for something can replace communication with friends and relatives. Moreover, the need to maintain communication is a hindrance, a factor that takes you away from what you love. And this irritates the child, makes him angry. He dreams not of friendly joint events, not of the opportunity to talk with a close friend, but of the moment when everyone will finally leave him alone and he can completely immerse himself in his favorite activity. The fact that a child is interested in something is wonderful, but this should not prevent him from having friends and communicating.

Teenagers are very vulnerable, so the unceremonious invasion of their inner world by parents, friends, and peers can contribute to their withdrawal from communication. Eternal teachings, reading morals, citing very good, well-mannered, smart girls and boys as examples only irritate and discourage the child from wanting to communicate, sharing his innermost thoughts, dreams, thoughts.

If you are not accustomed to communicating at home, it is difficult to expect special virtuosity in this matter from your child. He has no example of active good communication. He gets used to living in his own world, solving problems that arise alone. Try to take the first step in terms of communication, carefully ask for advice, tell about your experiences and doubts.

The child is frightened by the demands of his parents or a close friend to always be extremely frank, to talk about everything that happens in his life, especially about personal things. And he feels that he is not free anywhere - neither in thoughts nor in actions. Everywhere there is control from strict parents, acquaintances, friends, relatives, from whom you can’t hide anywhere, you can’t hide, you definitely need to turn your soul inside out.

Talk to your child more, listen to him, but at the same time do not interrogate him. And give your child the right to have his own little secrets.