AiF.ru spoke with experts and participants in school conflicts to understand what to do if a child has become a victim of bullying, and how to overcome bullying.

Desperate to sort things out “in an amicable way,” the father of a student at one of the Chelyabinsk schools decided to talk to his son’s offender “like a man.” He came to an educational institution and beat an eleven-year-old child who was not allowing his son to pass. A criminal case has been opened against the man. The parents of the beaten teenager wrote a statement to law enforcement agencies and took the documents from the school.

"Learn to put in place"

Bullying (from English bullying) is bullying, aggressive persecution of one of the team members. Almost every schoolchild faces this: some were victims, and others witnessed humiliation and beatings of a peer.

“I was a victim of bullying from 6th to 9th grade,” recalls Chelyabinsk resident Victoria. — She differed from her peers in that she weighed under 70 kg. So what if I'm fat? I'm still perplexed. But children are the most evil of people. Therefore, they constantly pestered me: they called me a fat-meat factory, during physical education they stood in a row next to a goat and laughed while I jumped over it (and, by the way, I jumped), pulled my hair and humiliated me in every possible way. Sitting at a desk with me was considered shameful. I didn't have any friends in class. One girl sometimes tried to talk to me, called me on the phone at home. She and I did homework together. But then I realized that this is what she needed from me: to copy off her homework. And she was friends with me while no one saw. The teachers pretended that nothing was happening. They all didn't care about me."

Victoria suffered humiliation, and then decided to put her classmates in their place. Not to swallow grievances, but to carry out revenge on everyone to the end: she complained intensely to the teachers, and demanded that the offender be punished, brought her parents to school so that they could talk with classmates, stopped cheating in class and got better grades herself. Gradually they began to lag behind her: now they were afraid of her, although, perhaps, they continued to hate her.

“It all ended when I graduated from school and entered technical school,” Vika confesses. “There were smarter and more well-mannered children here.” That’s why I look back on those years now and want to say to all the victims of bullying: it will end as soon as you graduate from your damn schools.”

Bullying is a worldwide phenomenon. Photo: Wikipedia

Poisons alone, but he seems omnipotent

Chelyabinsk psychologist Victoria Nagornaya I’m sure that the whole world is against you, as it seems to the victim, almost never happens. Well, maybe in the movie “Scarecrow”. The more modest or weaker ones are bullied, as a rule, by one or two people or a group of friends. And none of his classmates stand up, so the child thinks that the whole world is against him. This is the worst thing: children are afraid to go against a group of usurpers, as a rule, from dysfunctional families or with difficult characters. They poison the lives of those who are different: in appearance, have a physical defect, stutter, and so on. The “flock” does not give life to one or two classmates, disrupts classes, and is rude to teachers.

“The attention of teachers is very important here,” says the psychologist. “It is in the hands of the teacher that the opportunity to reconcile children is in their hands, to make them think together and not against each other.” I studied the work of one teacher from St. Petersburg, who introduced such joint games for children, so occupied their leisure time that everyone in this class forgot about bullying. They went to theaters and cinema together, sat at desks based on their interests, but the offender was forced to admit that the victim was somehow better than him, and involuntarily began to respect this child. For some reason, the work of class teachers in this direction is usually discounted. I think this is fundamentally wrong.”

“I wanted to kill”

Maxim from Yuzhnouralsk recalls how a couple of years ago he became the object of ridicule from his former friend and desk neighbor. After breaking his leg, the boy, previously an athlete and school champion, became downright weak in physical education classes. A friend dubbed him a weakling and got into the habit of pushing him and slapping him, taking advantage of the fact that Maxim would not catch up.

“It was unbearable,” the eleventh-grader now recalls, “I wanted to kill them, these brutes, Dimon and his minions. The only thing that helped me was fight club. As soon as my leg returned to normal, I signed up for the wrestling section. Dimon flew down the stairs from my blow, like a migratory bird. This (from the first time he fought back) ended all the bullying.”

According to Maxim, Dmitry was an uncontrollable child. He did not obey either the teachers or the director. Insolent from impunity, he was rude to them and laughed in their faces. The boy quickly realized that the Education Law was on his side. In order to expel a child from school, you need to make a lot, a lot of effort. In particular, no collective letters from parents and classmates will help: compulsory education in Russia. Only a student over 15 years of age who has completed 9 grades, or a serious offender, can be expelled. Some schools have classes for children with deviant behavior, but not all.

“I had to have a tantrum in the office”

Svetlana from Volgograd also faced bullying. Her ten-year-old son was bullied by his classmates.

“My son was constantly under psychological pressure. No, they didn’t beat him, but they constantly humiliated him psychologically,” she says. “He didn’t always talk about what was happening to him at school. But when I began to question in detail, it turned out that a group of classmates, the leader of which, so to speak, was the largest boy from the parallel, constantly took food from my son. They took money, threw personal belongings, gave my son offensive nicknames.”

First of all, Svetlana turned to the class teacher and wrote a report addressed to her. But the appeal had no effect. The humiliation continued. The woman went to the director.

“He started mumbling something incomprehensible to me in response like: “You understand, they are from a bad family. Why didn't you apply earlier? Where were you looking?“ But what difference does it make, why didn’t you contact me earlier? I came to you now, solve my problem!” — the Volgograd resident is indignant.

Svetlana says that she tried to talk to the parents of the offenders. Some were cooperative, while others simply did not respond to her appeals.

“I realized that my son had nothing to do in this class, and transferred him to another. It wasn't easy. The director dodged it in every possible way. He said that there were no places in other classes, that it was difficult for him to rewrite the tariff rates for teachers. I literally had to go hysterical in his office,” the Volgograd resident confesses. “In the end, my son was transferred. He's doing well now. In the new class, food is not taken away from him or called names. He made new friends, and in general he has smooth and calm relations with his classmates. Of course, he sometimes meets during breaks those with whom he studied earlier. He says they call him a traitor. But the fact that he has become more comfortable studying is a fact.”

“The basis of bullying is always violence. It is this definition that concretizes the problem and does not allow it to be talked about, transferring what is happening in the classroom into the plane of a banal conflict, he believes psychologist Natalya Uskova. - At this point, it is important for parents not to lose composure, to clarify the situation, to collect specific facts, not to evaluate the child’s behavior, but to fully support and be on his side. After all, bullying is a disease that infects the entire class. In addition to the victim and the aggressor, there are also retinues and observers. Children themselves cannot stop or get out of a destructive situation. Adults needed. In this regard, it is important for parents to immediately stop bullying by making the problem public, attracting the attention of the class teacher, parents, school psychologist, and administration. Therefore, if you are faced with a problem being “shared out” within the school, go into the regulatory regime, involving the department, the police, and the media. As a rule, the good old “statement clerk” quickly forces everyone to take an adult position and act in accordance with their responsibilities. Without acting, adults issue indulgences for violence in children's groups. The consequences are not hard to imagine.”

If a child studies well, he can also be bullied for this. Photo: pixabay.com

What to do?

Bullying has become so widespread that it was brought to the attention of the Presidential Human Rights Council. A number of measures have been developed to eliminate bullying. Among them are, for example, the following: through the Internet, make sure that bullying is considered a shameful model of behavior. Children who stand up for victims of bullying should be seen as heroes. It is necessary to organize helplines for victims of bullying, who can use code words when talking to operators. All these measures are still only in plans and on paper.

“The problem of bullying children in schools by their peers has a very long history and is acute in almost all countries,” AiF.ru reported. Evgeniy Korchago, lawyer and human rights activist, member of the council. “Therefore, proposals for developing a concept to combat bullying are necessary and timely. However, due to the high latency of the problem and the complexity of its solution, there is a danger of turning this good idea into sociability and formality in the pursuit of statistical indicators. To counteract bullying, it is necessary to cultivate a healthy psychological climate among students with maximum involvement of the teacher in the extracurricular life of the class. Only teachers with great authority among their students will be able to create effective mechanisms for identifying and preventing bullying.”

However, the lawyer asks you to pay attention to a number of points. Firstly, an ordinary quarrel between classmates and bullying should be distinguished. Secondly, under no circumstances should you commit lynching, like the father of a Chelyabinsk schoolboy. The man faces criminal penalties including imprisonment.

“Of course, it’s impossible to keep quiet about bullying,” the lawyer advises. — Parents need to contact their class teacher or school principal. If this does not have any effect, contact the department, committee, Ministry of Education, prosecutor's office, police. Few people remember that children can be transferred to home schooling while school problems are being resolved. If necessary, you can change classes or schools, but this is not always necessary.”

“It’s very important here not to get depressed,” seventeen-year-old Maxim gives simple advice to victims of bullying. “I was also a scapegoat.” I read on the Internet that they were also attacked George Clooney, and my idol David Beckham, and beauty Julia Roberts. So I was in some great company. And he concluded: if you are nobody, they don’t pay attention to you. If you are the best, they attack out of simple envy.”

One of the striking examples is shown in Rolan Bykov’s film “Scarecrow”. It seems to us, adults, that such cases are exceptional. However, more and more children are suffering from this terrible disease called bullying.

Bullying, or bullying, is the self-affirmation of a group of classmates through the systematic humiliation of an individual; an age-related phenomenon typical for children 11-12 years old. It is at this age that they have the need to be part of a group, the need to feel cohesion. In various hobby groups, bullying will not manifest itself, because students are united by a common idea, a single activity. But in school, where they are “thrown” for no reason, the need manifests itself in the form of unity against someone.

Moreover, everyone suffers during bullying: victims, witnesses left on the sidelines, and the aggressors themselves. That’s why psychologists say that bullying is a group disease, and only this understanding can suggest the right path to eradicating this phenomenon.

“Children who have felt a “taste” for violence are no longer able to stop due to the immaturity of the brain. Therefore, only an adult should solve the problem; it is his unambiguous assessment that is decisive, says the educational psychologist Elena Khoteeva. “Unfortunately, teachers often try to distance themselves from the situation or, even worse, try to solve it in the wrong way.”

What can't you do?

1. Wait until the bullying stops on its own. This will not happen for the reasons stated above. Adult intervention is vital.
2. Justify bullying, believing that a child who is being bullied is truly “different.” Even if he were at least three times different, violence should not find justification.
3. Confusing bullying with unpopularity. Trying to raise the authority of the “victim” in the eyes of those around him, teachers sometimes deliberately emphasize his merits and give important instructions. But when the process is started, any advantage will be turned into a disadvantage by the aggressors, and will further complicate the life of the persecuted child.
4. Consider bullying to be an individual problem. Any child can become the target of bullying, regardless of family status, nationality or appearance.
5. Pressure on the pity of the attackers. This will only strengthen their position as “strong”, give them power: if I want, “sweetheart”, if I want, “execution”. In addition, it will further humiliate the weak.
6. Accept the rules of the game where the strong beat the weak. How it's done? Erroneous advice, like “fight back” (the consequences may be irreversible), or “think about what’s wrong with you” (it’s your own fault), or “don’t pay attention” (this is how an adult leaves a child alone with an unsolvable problem).

How to fix the situation?

1. Call a spade a spade. Children often say: “Yes, that’s how we play!”, “We’re just teasing a little, nothing like that.” They must understand that if you constantly bring a person to tears, systematically tease him, take away and spoil his things, push him, pinch him, hit him, call him names, deliberately ignore him, then this is called bullying. And nothing else. Sometimes at this stage the actions of the aggressors stop. Sorry, not always.
2. Indicate that bullying is a group problem. Like a disease that affects everyone in the class. It makes no sense to single out the instigators; this can only lead to self-justification, throwing blame onto others and new outbursts of anger. Those who stand aside and do nothing are also to blame. Therefore, it is important to say that bullying is a disease that affects everyone. And we need to think about how everyone can heal in order to develop in a friendly, healthy team.
3. Help children get out of the “pack” excitement, invite everyone individually to look at the situation from a moral point of view. For example, ask to evaluate your own participation according to the following principle: one finger - never participated, two fingers - participated, but then regretted it, three fingers - bullied, I will bully, it’s fun! And ask everyone to raise their hands at the same time. Most likely, there are no people in the team who find the situation fun. Then you can recall the fairy tale about the Ugly Duckling and suggest turning not to the “victim” of the story, who will then fly away with the beautiful swans, but to the evil chickens and geese that will remain in the poultry yard. Do children want to be like them?
4. To secure it you can make up rules and ask everyone to sign under them. For example: “In our team it is not customary to: fight, call names, take away someone else’s property. But it’s customary: to separate fighters, to protect the weak,” etc.
5. After such conversations it is important do not let the situation take its course. Children need to see that the adult is still interested in resolving the conflict. For example, you can have a vessel where schoolchildren will put pebbles if they see a violation of the team rules. Every day you can take stock.
6. And only after the situation has returned to a healthy direction, can think about increasing your popularity this or that student, helping to reveal his abilities and talents, to indicate his usefulness to the group.

How can parents help?

If you have a trusting relationship with your child, then there will be no difficulty in determining whether something is wrong with him. If he does not want to admit it himself, the parent should be alerted by dirty, torn clothes, reluctance to go to school, and lack of friends.

Try to bring the child into contact and support, unconditionally take the side of your son or daughter. Explain that he is not to blame for anything; what is happening to him is called “bullying.” And in this situation, adult intervention is necessary.

Most likely, the child will be afraid of this, thinking that this will only get worse. It is important to explain: there is no other way. And then go to that authoritative adult who can identify the problem with their own names, and not with the streamlined phrases “just no one is friends with him,” and solve it.

If you do not find an understanding of the situation within the walls of the school, do not be afraid to go beyond it until the problem is resolved. Otherwise, it will be better to transfer the child to another school with a more professional teaching staff.

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Bullying at school is a difficult problem that any parent is afraid to face. More than one psychologist spoke about how to prevent and solve it. Likeyou highlighted the most important thing.

Prevention is better than cure

Motherhood blog author Glennon Doyle shared with her subscribers a story about her daughter's school teacher. Every Friday after school, she asked students to write on a piece of paper the names of four classmates with whom he would like to sit the next week, and the name of one classmate who stood out.

Of course, she took into account the children's preferences regarding seating arrangements. But more importantly, the teacher knew who to watch and who to help in communicating with peers. These pieces of paper with names formed patterns:

• with whom no one ever wants to sit;
• who doesn’t even know who to write;
• who stands out more often than others;
• who had a million friends last week and none this week.

According to Doyle, the teacher has been using this technique since the tragic incident at Columbine High School. The blogger writes admiringly that this wonderful woman knows that cruelty begins with a deep sense of loneliness.

Use this knowledge at home

A child who is bullied at school is often very lonely. And he may not admit to troubles with classmates. The teacher’s technique can also be useful when talking between a parent and a child. Ask specific, but not direct questions. Instead of “How was your day?” or “Does anyone bully you at school?” try these:

• Who would you like to sit at the same desk with? Why?
• Which classmate would you like to become friends with?
• Who especially stood out today?
• Who is your polar opposite in class?
• What do you play during breaks?
• What made you laugh today?

If you find out that your child is being bullied

You can’t shift the blame onto him (“Are they just offending you, or someone else?”) and leave him alone with the problem (“Just don’t pay attention”). You need to thank him for his frankness and give him a feeling of protection. Say that now that you know about it, you will definitely come up with something.

Solution

The first step to solving a problem is usually recognizing the problem itself. In the case of bullying at school, just say: “Bullying.” Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya writes about this in her blog:

“No “My son doesn’t get along with his classmates.” When a child is deliberately brought to tears, teased in a concerted and systematic manner, when his things are taken away, hidden, damaged, when he is pushed, pinched, beaten, called names, pointedly ignored - this is called BULLING.”

Next you need to find someone who cares at school. This is a person who won't tell you, “Well, that's who he is. Why doesn’t he communicate with other children?” Start with the class teacher and move up the hierarchy until you find a real teacher.

Sometimes you have to turn to third parties. But that's all you can do for your child. Talking to offenders and even their parents is not an option. Because you need to talk to the whole class at once. And this should be done by an adult who is authoritative for everyone.

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News about schoolchildren being cruel to others no longer surprises many people, but they should. The most recent is a terrible incident that occurred in the Perm region.

A video appeared on the social network VKontakte where a group of teenagers mock a schoolgirl. The recording shows them kicking the girl, setting her hair on fire, and swearing. She asks them to stop and cries. Now this shocking video is being checked by police in the city of Berezniki.

However, the Internet has long been filled with such videos, but most often the case is limited to indignant comments from users, and only a few of such stories reach the court.

Another check began in Moscow - and also because of a cruel video involving schoolchildren. Footage was posted on the Internet in which students of the Center for the Promotion of Family Education "Faith. Hope. Love" (orphanage No. 18) beat each other with a stick. At the same time, according to the Moscow Department of Labor and Social Protection, there were three teachers on the sports ground where the fight took place, who did not react to what was happening. As a result, the Commissioner for Children's Rights under the President of the Russian Federation, Anna Kuznetsova, initiated an inspection of the orphanage.

“As for the inaction of educators, teachers and any officials whose duties include ensuring order in the school, their actions can be qualified under Article No. 293 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation “Negligence,” says Oleg Sukhov, chairman of the Interregional Arbitration Court of Moscow and the Moscow Region. “As a rule, a case under Article No. 293 is initiated following the initiation of a case of child abuse.”

According to the lawyer, parents of victims can contact law enforcement agencies both in cases where there is video evidence and in cases where there is none. However, it is worth considering that if there are any injuries on the child’s body, you should first contact a medical organization to fix them.

“If there are no signs of violence, and the child is silent, then it will be difficult to initiate a criminal case,” says Oleg Sukhov. “Then it is best to contact a child psychologist: he will then be able to confirm the child’s complaints of violence.”

If any harm is caused, it is worth writing a statement to the police - the more such statements, the greater the chance that measures will be taken, experts say.

Of course, stories of severe bullying and video recording of the beating are still much less common than the usual school bullying: probably in every class over the 11 years of education there will be children and teenagers who insult the weak or are rude to teachers.

Bullying can be generally implicit, almost invisible: ignoring a classmate, refusing to communicate with him is also aggressive and offensive behavior that can hurt and offend no less than quarrels and fights.

Having learned that a child is being bullied or that, for example, an unspoken boycott is being declared on him, parents need to immediately get involved in solving this problem - the sooner the better. And you shouldn’t justify your inaction by not wanting to risk some potential scandal: after all, who, if not parents, should be primarily interested in protecting their children?

How to act as parents

Parents may be the last to know about their child’s problems at school - it all depends on whether there is trust in the family, attention to each other, and whether parents devote enough time to their children. If a child’s behavior has changed, if he has become withdrawn and silent or nervous, reacting violently to everything, this is a reason to urgently talk to him frankly but carefully.

The next step is a conversation with the class teacher and school management. Teachers must (they must) look into this situation and be sure to contact the parents of the offender.

“Our 10-year-old son is a sensitive child,” says Alexandra, an actress at one of the famous Moscow theaters. “He reads a lot, and when he remembers something exciting, he can even cry. Some classmates regularly insulted him, ridiculed him, beat him Or they could put dirty used shoe covers on his head and record it all on video. Sometimes they took secret photographs and posted them on VKontakte.

Alexandra and her husband tried to help their son as best they could, discussed his problems with him, turned to teachers and psychologists for help, but as a result they had to change schools, and more than one.
“It is very important for teachers and school management to be able to reach the parents of offenders. Most often, very notorious hooligans are from dysfunctional families,” says Konstantin Olkhovoy, who worked for many years as a psychologist and psychiatrist at a Moscow school for children with deviant behavior. — In the police There are PDN (minor affairs units), and at district administrations there is a KDN (minor affairs commission), the school can go there, the parents of the victim of bullying can go there if all measures of pedagogical and administrative influence have already been used in the school. After which the bully is labeled registered, and later a criminal case can be opened, and fines may be issued to his parents.”

However, according to the psychologist, one must understand that there are children who, due to their mental characteristics, are uncontrollable. In this case, simply influencing his parents and contacting the CDN will not solve the problem - it is necessary to involve psychiatrists.

“Previously, in almost every district of Moscow there were special schools for teenagers with deviant (socially dangerous) behavior. As far as I know, most of them are now closed,” said Konstantin Olkhovoy. “In these special schools, many students adapted, experienced teachers worked with them.”

What teachers should do

School bullying is dealt with in each country, or rather even in each individual school, in its own way. A lot depends on the leadership of educational institutions. Somewhere special classes are held where schoolchildren themselves openly talk about problems in the class and try to solve them together with the teacher. Somewhere, the director always meets with parents, and the school administration can take a very tough position towards students who bully and insult others.

But it is absolutely obvious that such prevention of school bullying should be done from the very beginning of education, then it will simply be too late. At the same time, psychological help is needed not only by the victim, but also by the instigators.

“From a psychological point of view, we can say that in Russia, unfortunately, a culture of violence is widespread,” says psychologist, owner of an international consulting company Olga Yurkovskaya. “Aggression is one of the ways of self-affirmation. Only an experienced teacher can find an approach to a bully, who will offer the student another way to assert oneself. It is necessary to find at least some activity that would allow the teenager to feel important."

Most often, according to Olga Yurkovskaya, problem children live in dysfunctional families where they themselves face violence, or in families where they are under too much pressure.

“Such children are usually influenced by harsh influence from an adult. To do this, you can ask, for example, a police officer you know to talk to the child,” says Yurkovskaya.

Naturally, it is extremely difficult, but possible, to explain to teenagers for whom aggression has already become the norm of life (in the family, on social networks, and, for example, in the cinema) that it is unacceptable to offend and insult classmates.

“We must clearly understand that the “teacher-student” conflict is obviously unequal. Because on the one hand, we mean a child who does not yet know how to behave, and on the other side of the conflict, a person with a higher pedagogical education, who is generally age-appropriate should have studied psychology and pedagogy," says psychologist-psychiatrist Konstantin Olkhovoy. "If he does not have enough pedagogical resources, then he can first turn to the head teacher, colleagues (the same teacher council), the director for help, and only then - to the KDN or the police."

If a teacher remembers that in front of him is a poorly brought up child with a different life experience, it immediately becomes much easier for him to communicate with such a student, the psychologist notes. But as soon as the teacher gets offended, he loses automatically.

“Measures must be taken,” says Konstantin Olkhovoy. Let us remember, for example, that Anton Semenovich Makarenko, a brilliant teacher, worked with completely frostbitten, excuse me, street children, but he wanted and knew how to build relationships with them. It’s worth re-reading how he succeeded.”