How to get out of depression after the death of your mother? How to survive the death of a mother or father After the death of mom, dad gave up how to help
Psychologist's answer:
Hello Irina!
Very little time has passed since your dad left, too little for both your mom and you to stop grieving. What is happening to your mother now is absolutely normal, moreover, correct. But you may have severe consequences of artificially experienced grief. On the one hand, you decided to let go quickly, stop crying and worrying. On the other hand, perhaps this happened because you switched to your mother. Of course she needs support. But you also need to cry out your grief, suffer, and grieve.
We are often told that crying is bad, and crying for the dead is even worse, they say, let him go quietly, let him go. But this does not mean that there is no need to cry and worry at all. Uncryed, unsuffered grief hides in the corners of the soul, accumulates there and sooner or later finds a way out in the form of severe depression, psychosomatic and even mental illness.
Over your mother’s grief, you forgot, or pretended to forget, about your grief. Are you sure that you really let go of your dad, that the grief is no longer so strong, that you didn’t hide it inside yourself?
Now I will talk briefly about the normal stages of grief.
1. Shock stage. Horror, emotional stupor, detachment from everything that is happening. A feeling of unreality of what is happening appears in a person’s consciousness.
2. The stage of denial (search) is characterized by disbelief in the reality of the loss. Denial is a natural defense mechanism that maintains the illusion that the world remains the same. But gradually the consciousness begins to accept the reality of the loss.
3. The stage of aggression, which is expressed in the form of indignation, aggressiveness and hostility towards others, blaming oneself, relatives or friends, the treating doctor for the death of a loved one, etc. Being at this stage of confrontation with death, a person can threaten the “guilty” or , on the contrary, engage in self-flagellation, feeling guilty about what happened. A person who has suffered a loss tries to find in the events preceding death evidence that he did not do everything he could for the deceased (he gave medicine at the wrong time, let someone go, was not there, etc.). Feelings of guilt may be aggravated by the situation of conflict before death. The range of emotions experienced at this time is also quite wide; the person experiences the loss acutely and has poor self-control. This is all a natural process of experiencing loss. When anger finds its way out and the intensity of emotions decreases, the next stage begins.
4. Stage of depression (suffering, disorganization) - melancholy, loneliness, withdrawal and deep immersion in the truth of loss. This is the period of greatest suffering, acute mental pain. Typical are extraordinary absorption in the image of the deceased and his idealization - emphasizing extraordinary virtues, avoiding memories of bad traits and actions.
5. Stage of accepting what happened This stage is divided into two:
5.1. Stage of residual shocks and reorganization. At this phase, life returns to its groove, sleep, appetite, and professional activity are restored, and the deceased ceases to be the main focus of life. The experience of grief now occurs in the form of first frequent, and then increasingly rare individual tremors, such as occur after the main earthquake. This stage, as a rule, lasts for a year: during this time, almost all ordinary life events occur and then begin to repeat themselves. The anniversary of death is the last date in this series. Perhaps this is why most cultures and religions set aside one year for mourning.
5.2. "Completion" stage. The normal experience of grief that we are describing enters its final phase after about a year. The meaning and task of grief work in this phase is to ensure that the image of the deceased takes its permanent place in the family history, family and personal memory of the grieving person, as a bright image that causes only bright sadness.
If you carefully read about all the stages, you can easily determine which stage your mother is in now. She needs to talk about her guilt. And she needs support in this. Of course, you don’t need to tell her, mom, yes! it's your fault. It is enough to be close to her, not to deny her feelings, to listen. She doesn't hear you because you don't hear her feelings, you deny them.
Give her the opportunity to process grief the way she needs. You can mirror your feelings: “You’re angry at yourself!” "You're blaming yourself!" "You loved him very much." You can translate the “arrows” to yourself: “Your love (your relationship) is an example for me.” Talk about what mom could do, what you could do for dad. Remember together some cases when you were able to do something good for dad, to please him.
If a person gets stuck at some stage, then grief becomes pathological. And here you cannot do without psychotropic medications and treatment from a psychotherapist.
If you need further consultation, write.
Hello, dear Jubal! After another phone conversation with my dad, after which I wanted to tear my hair out from the powerlessness to change anything, I simply typed in the search “free consultation with a psychologist” and without any hope of finding a response, here I am. Well, at least I’ll speak out...Three months ago I lost my mom, the closest and most loving person in my life. She died so suddenly, not living 5 days before her 55th birthday... A powerful stroke (repeated, after the first three years ago she completely recovered by some miracle), deep coma, complex brain surgery, 12 days of intensive care and that's all . I still can't talk about it without crying. I was very close to my mother. It seems that she was a bright prism through which life was kinder and better. I'm leaving, that's not what I'm complaining about now. Nothing can be fixed with mom, but I can’t imagine what to do with dad...
Dad bears this grief the hardest of all of us. Dad is a complex person, hot-tempered, selfish, but still very good, understanding, caring. And during my mother’s first stroke, he lived with her in the hospital and looked after her better than us daughters, and this time he did everything to get my mother out, sparing neither effort nor money. After my mother’s death, we decided that he couldn’t be left alone now, and his sister (they live in the same area) moved with his family to help and support him. Dad cries all this time every day, sees no meaning in life and doesn’t want to hear or see anyone. Although, surprisingly, he finds the strength to go to his grandmother’s apartment to do renovations, it seems, only because that’s what he and his mother planned (to do renovations there and go live there, and leave his apartment to his sister). At first after the funeral it was open, but soon everything changed. He constantly complained to me about his sister and her family, that they irritate him with their presence, that they do everything wrong and that among them he is even more lonely, to the point that no one talks to him. And his sister says that he isolates himself, does not want to communicate and accept support. In addition, he began to drink... He does repairs during the day, and by the evening he gets drunk. At the same time, he becomes so aggressive that I really fear for my sister. He yells obscenities at them, and two 10- and 5-year-olds hear this, shouting “let you all die” and other terrible things. The sister can no longer stand it and is going to return to her home. All this time I was a lightning rod for both my dad and my sister; they complained to me about each other on both sides. Of course, this weighed on me, but I was glad that dad could at least cry with me - I saw that after talking with me, he felt a little better. But now, it seems to me, he has resigned himself a little and calmed down, but he has started drinking more and seems to be using his grief as an excuse for his behavior. Time passes, but he is focused only on himself, he shows neither care nor interest in us, in his grandchildren, in life in general. Due to constant drinking of alcohol, his condition only worsens. This morning I tried to gently bring this to his attention. Like, this only aggravates the already sad state of health. He flushed and did not speak to me. In the evening, when I called him as usual, he behaved like a child. He spoke through his teeth. To my question: “Dad, don’t you want to talk?”, he began to be indignant: “Why do you want to talk to an alcoholic masochist?! Although I never even thought of calling him an alcoholic, let alone in my language. And away we go... In his words, we “treat” him with our advice and decrees, but he feels bad even without it; we all feel good and we don’t understand him; he doesn’t care whether we support him or not, and stuff like that... And now I can’t find a place for myself. It seems that she has deprived him of his last support (he and his sister occasionally quarrel)...
What to do? Maybe we are really wrong in trying to guide him on the right path? Maybe we are not patient and should just offer a shoulder for his tears? But the sister also thinks about her family, which suffers from his anger and aggression. How to provide support if dad rejects her? To any persuasion that it is better to believe that after death we will all meet, he gets angry and denies everything. And not only for this - for almost everything. Even a simple “dad, hold on, time will ease the pain” can be heard: “yes, but I will look at you if you lose your husband with whom you lived for 35 years! It’s easiest to say “hold on!” and so on. So what can we say then??? In general, I don’t know, I’m depressed and just killed by everything that’s happening. It seems that with my mother’s departure, our family fell apart and the whole world was completely cracked...
It seemed like she had spoken out, but it didn’t make it any easier.
When someone close to you dies, the feeling of loss can be overwhelming. There is no one that is easy to let go of. So when a father dies, it may seem impossible to cope with the loss. Is this a normal reaction to grief? How to deal with your feelings? How to cope with the death of your father?
Acknowledge and mourn the loss
Very often, the first feeling that comes after hearing about the death of a loved one is disbelief. Death is not a natural event, so what happened seems impossible. It may seem that by disagreeing with this you can avoid the experience. Therefore, denial or disbelief is normal. This is why there may not be tears immediately or at the funeral.
However, after a certain time, awareness still comes, and this is always unexpected. Sometimes such feelings are said to be “overwhelming” or “encompassing completely, not allowing you to think about anything else.” During this period, you need to give vent to your feelings and mourn your loss.
You can't let someone else decide whether a grief reaction is normal. Some may feel like they are grieving too much or not enough. It is better to forgive and forget such an opinion of others. The reaction to grief is an individual concept, and no one can impose their own standards.
One way to release your feelings is to cry. Although it may seem to someone that if a person restrains his feelings, it will be easier for him or that this is a sign of strength. Actually this is not true. A person cries not because he is weak, but because he is in pain. Tears are a natural reaction, the body is designed in such a way that substances that calm the nervous system are released along with tears. In this way, tears really help to calm down. True, this does not apply to people whose crying turns into a hysterical state.
You can ease your worries by talking about your feelings. It can be stopped by fear of misunderstanding or reluctance to upset others. But if everyone struggles with grief alone, it will only make the situation worse. After the death of dad, it will be easier for mom and children if they unite with each other. And for this you need to talk, including about experiences, fears and pain.
There is no need to compare yourself and family members, deciding who is worse off and who grieves more. It’s bad for everyone, and trying to support each other makes it easier to cope with your feelings.
There is a good chance that someone, due to severe pain, will say something that hurts feelings. It is worth remembering that now this person is talking about his pain. Most likely, in fact, he does not think so, he just feels that way at the moment.
There are situations when it is impossible to talk about your feelings, or simply there is no one with whom. Some say that it became a little easier for them after they expressed their feelings on paper. It can be a diary in which everything that worries is recorded, or letters to the deceased. One woman wrote letters to her son for more than ten years. She says it helped her get through her grief.
Guilt
Regardless of what the relationship with dad was, whether family members lived far from each other or close, because of which he died and other factors, guilt comes to everyone who had to lose loved ones. This is how our subconscious tries to explain what happened. It pops up in my thoughts: “if I persuaded him to go to the doctor ...”, “if then we had not quarreled ...”, etc. It's part of the reaction to loss that you can't come to terms with. It is worth remembering that these feelings are not a real reason to look for the cause of what happened in your behavior.
Guilt is a symptom that appears regardless of circumstances.
It must be remembered that no matter how much we love the deceased, we, unfortunately, cannot foresee everything and direct his every step. To miss something imaginary or real does not mean at all that the father was not loved. Wishing someone death and failing to foresee anything are two different things.
It is clear that no one had any desire to harm his father. Therefore, there is no need to consider yourself guilty of his death.
Feelings of guilt after the death of a father can be directed not only at oneself. Questions may arise for other family members. If you just scroll through them in your head, you can really believe in someone’s guilt, direct or indirect. If these thoughts haunt you, during a conversation it is worth gently clarifying what the family member thinks about this. The main thing is to refrain from making accusations.
The purpose of the conversation is not to find someone to blame, but to get rid of thoughts that can deprive you of peace. If it seems that this conversation cannot be avoided, you need to choose your words very carefully. And you shouldn’t be surprised when you hear counter questions - most likely, thoughts about someone’s guilt arise in all family members.
In addition to guilt, there may be a feeling of missed opportunities. So much has not been said or done! Unfortunately, no one can be the perfect child for their father. This doesn't mean Dad wasn't loved enough. This means that all people are not ideal, and this must be recognized in relation to yourself.
How to live on
Immediately after a tragedy occurs, it may seem that life has stopped. Most likely, problems with sleep and appetite will begin. You need to make a conscious effort to return to your normal daily routine as soon as possible. If you can’t return to your normal routine, it makes sense to seek help from a psychologist.
You should not solve the problem with alcohol. Thus, problems simply accumulate, and their solution is postponed. It is more difficult to resolve issues in an advanced stage.
Making decisions
Often the father has many responsibilities. But even if this is not the case, after his death there are many serious decisions to be made. These include questions such as:
- What to do with the things of the deceased and everything that reminds him of him?
- Does a mother need to move in with her adult children?
- If the children are too young to earn money, how can a mother support her family? How can they help her?
Some people believe that it is necessary to immediately get rid of the things of the deceased so that nothing disturbs the soul. However, many widows and children of the deceased later regret that they hastened to such a decision. Of course, at first these things will most likely cause pain and may need to be removed. But then, when the pain subsides a little, a strong desire may appear to touch anything that was connected with the deceased. Therefore, it is worth leaving something as a keepsake.
Another serious decision is for the mother to move in with her adult children. To children, this may seem like the only right decision that needs to be made as soon as possible. However, such a move is additional stress for the mother. There is no need to rush her: perhaps the best place for her to mourn her loss is in the house where she lived with her husband.
It can be a very difficult situation when the mother is solely responsible for financially caring for her children. Immediately after the incident, there may be a thought: “after my husband’s death, I no longer need anything.” This is not selfishness, this is pain. But this is a situation when you need to think about the future of your children and your own. It is worth asking someone close to you to find out about possible benefits and payments in government agencies and at the place of work of the deceased. There is no need to refuse help.
Don't go to extremes. If, after the death of her husband, the mother throws herself into work, the children may feel even more severe pain. You should not expect that after redistributing responsibilities everything will immediately improve. You need to give yourself and your family time to get used to such changes.
Patience with yourself and others
Often the pain of loss weighs on a person longer than he expected. Therefore, you need to be patient, without judging yourself or family members for a sudden surge of emotions. From year to year, seemingly gone feelings can return again and again. This is fine. Sometimes those who mourn a loss are thrown from one extreme to another: either they want to constantly talk about the deceased, or they don’t want to remember, so as not to cause themselves pain.
Patience will also be needed in relation to others. Most likely, many of them will feel awkward and not know what to say. In such situations, people often say something out of place or tactlessly - not because they have malicious intent.
Some who have lost a father become frightened when the acute pain begins to subside. It may seem that your love for him has weakened. But it's not. Letting go of pain does not mean forgetting. It means focusing on the good things that happened and moving on with life. This is not a betrayal, but a gradual one.
Of course, immediately after dad's death, it may seem like relief will never come. But if you accept and grieve your loss, take your time making big decisions, and deal with your emotions patiently, you can feel better over time.
Irina, Pyatigorsk
Question to a psychologist
Hello, a month ago our dad died unexpectedly, we still can’t comprehend it. I am very worried about my mother’s condition, terrible depression: she sleeps poorly and little, sudden changes in mood, heart pain, unexpected aggression, reluctance to do anything. We don't know how to help her.
Answers from psychologists
It's only been a month....
Do you want your mother to sing and dance in a month?
Is it difficult to watch your mother's grief? Yes, it is difficult.....
It is important to talk to her about the past.... Remember different incidents from their life - preferably bright ones.
Let her share her experiences, and you should not calm her down or interrupt her.
Just be quiet and listen.
Is this difficult for you? - yes, the customs and habits of seeing people off have disappeared from the life of a modern person.
If you need more detailed advice, please contact us.
You can come to the appointment with your mother.
G. Idrisov (I also work via Skype).
Good answer 5 Bad answer 0
Ulzhan, good afternoon.
Yarovaya Larisa Anatolyevna, psychologist Moscow
Good answer 5 Bad answer 1Hello, Ulzhan.
Everything that your mother is experiencing is absolutely NATURAL. It is important to survive grief... This requires time and... strength... And also an understanding that living through it is necessary to gain balance and the ability to Live on...
In addition, grief as a process has its own stages. You can read about it here: http://www.stranamam.ru/post/5330653/
I don't think you need support mother... Your own grief for your father will be useful...
To be close, to experience your own things, to worry with your mother... To remember the Father... And to find strength To live on... To look for new meanings for this...
I wish you strength and courage.
Sincerely,
Kuroedova Tatyana Nikolaevna, psychologist Taraz
Good answer 2 Bad answer 1The death of a loved one always becomes stressful - the most powerful shock of all.
And the death of a mother takes children by surprise, despite their age - and at the age of 7, and at fifty, it is quite difficult to survive this. Sometimes it takes several years, and in some cases the death of the mother remains a wound for life.
How to survive the death of the most loved person - your mother?
You cannot be alone with your bad thoughts or devalue them. If there are no people around who can empathize, you can find a good psychologist, a priest, or just a person who is nice.
Orthodox priests have their own opinion on how to stop worrying too much about death.
Attention! Christianity interprets death as a transition to another life and the deliverance of the deceased from all his sins and torments.
Priests advise that you definitely order a magpie and a memorial service for the deceased in the church.
- An important aspect is reading prayers, they should ask the Lord for humility, peace and spiritual strength sufficient to reconcile with the loss.
- Gives a person peace, humility and increased spiritual strength. temple visit.
Priests consider it wrong to grieve for a deceased person for a long time - the death of a mother is the will of the Almighty; it is necessary to thank God for giving the opportunity to be with her and to “let go” of her. In honor of memory, you should give alms more often and try to do good deeds.
Watch a video that explains why a dead mother comes in a dream:
When parents “leave”, it is difficult, but still considered the norm. A person at any age with the death of his mother experiences quite a strong emotional shock, which he must still cope with.
How to do this if the pain is sometimes so strong that it replaces all other desires and needs?
In some cases, a person experiencing the death of his mother may You may even need the help of specialists - psychologists.
Their advice helps replace acute pain with a feeling of mild sadness and gradually return to normal, but full functioning:
- You should not strive to return to your previous lifestyle. This will not work, since with the death of the mother a lot changes, and the desire to ignore the fact of her death does not allow a person to adequately interact with reality. You should be in society more.
- You should give yourself time and feel all the melancholy and pain associated with the “departure” of your mother. You cannot set a time frame, especially looking at others - who and for how long “grieved” for the dead. In some cases, it is worth seeking help from a doctor who will recommend sedatives.
- After mourning, time is needed for so-called adaptation- one way or another, the way of life has to be reconsidered, because the death of the mother makes adjustments to it. It is necessary to gradually begin to carry out everyday tasks, because the mother would not want her child’s life to end with her departure.
- You can talk about your mother with your relatives— such conversations help to “dull” the pain a little. You can also take advice from others who have recently experienced a similar loss.
- Don't forget about your health- grief and hassle associated with a funeral can significantly harm the body. You should not abuse alcohol - alcohol further depresses the nervous system. Temporary relief from drinking is quickly replaced by more severe physical and mental suffering.
- Monitor your emotional state, identifying moments when a depressive state worsens. This, of course, will not completely eliminate the experience, but it will help you endure it more gently.
- Need to communicate more- with friends, relatives and even strangers. At such moments, any support can bring significant relief.
- After your mother's funeral, you should remove her belongings from sight.- this will help reduce the flow of memories. If you want to visit a cemetery, don’t hold back.
In the video, a psychologist tells how to survive the death of loved ones and come to your senses:
How to survive death from cancer?
The sudden death of a mother always takes him by surprise - a person is born with a feeling of confusion and guilt, indignation appears, and remains unsaid. Afterwards, he begins to regret the rare meetings, unexpressed feelings and harsh words that took place.
In the event of a mother's illness and death from cancer, children have more specific issues.
As a rule, death from cancer is not always easy, much less instant. The patient and his entourage know about the imminent inevitable outcome, they are forced to live with this information. Of course, this provides an opportunity to talk about something important: ask about painful issues, ask for forgiveness, prepare for the upcoming funeral.
Attention! Illness and imminent death from cancer is a difficult period for everyone: for a mother it is a mental test, and for close relatives it is knowledge of an imminent loss.
At the very beginning, relatives begin to deny what is happening, have an incomprehensible anger and a biased attitude towards doctors.
This excess of emotions severely traumatizes the psyche of not only the patient himself, but also his loved ones.
Often, with oncology, the patient needs special care - and this “falls” on the shoulders of his relatives, who themselves need psychological help:
- Of course, exhausting hours give rise to a desire for the sick mother to “leave” as quickly as possible, for which the children then experience an eternal feeling of guilt.
- In this case, it should be understood that the person does not want his mother to die quickly, he only wants an end to her suffering, and, perhaps, to his own and the entire family.
- Here you need to know: it is impossible to change the time of death of a loved one, no matter how much you would like it, and no matter how much you care about him.
Reference! Death from cancer is a peculiar mixture of emotions (sorrow of loss and relief from suffering). Sometimes after the mother leaves due to cancer, the child develops fear for his life and even a pseudo-sensation of pain in the same place as the patient.
In such cases, to calm down, it is necessary to undergo a medical examination and visit a psychotherapist.
How to help dad?
After the loss of a loved one, suffering is a completely natural state.
When mom dies, the world collapses for dad, because he loses a person with whom many moments of his life are connected. Every man experiences grief differently - some start drinking alcohol, others “withdraw” into themselves.
But in any case, dad needs to be supported:
- give him time to fully experience the pain of loss;
- be near him more often, supporting him;
- monitor his health and prevent despair from taking over his father’s feelings.
How to help a child?
Death for an adult is a difficult but understandable loss.
For a child, loss, especially of a mother, is the worst of all troubles., because the child does not yet fully understand everything that is happening and this makes him more terrified.
How to help your baby?
Psychologists believe that at such moments it is very important:
- stay close to the child, supporting his emotional state,
- listen to his wishes,
- control his condition,
- try to answer his questions reliably,
- share with him impressions about what is happening in an acceptable, accessible form for the baby,
- be tolerant of pranks and open to feelings.
Afterwards the pain will dull a little.
Why is it so hard to let go?
Why is it difficult to let go of loved ones? Most often this is attachment to the physical: I want to hug my mother, smell her again, hear her voice.
And fear of change- It’s difficult to arrange life differently, to do everyday things. But no matter how much you want to, you need to let the deceased go.
After all, according to the priests, it is also difficult for those who have died precisely because the living cannot let them go. We need to pray more, visit church during services and ask God for spiritual help and humility.
Attention! No matter what happens, you cannot despair. The death of a mother is a great grief, a severe shock. Unfortunately, this is inevitable and the pain from loss does not go away even with time, but only becomes less.