Svetlana Rumyantseva

The problem of conflict between children and parents has existed for centuries. Thousands of scientific works, literary works, films, works of artists and idle thoughts are devoted to this pressing topic.

Despite the fact that a lot of time has been devoted to this issue, it is not completely closed. The accumulated knowledge has still not allowed us to get rid of conflicts and misunderstandings in the world.

Moreover, it seems that the problem has grown and become more urgent. There is a natural explanation for this. The main reason for misunderstanding and conflicts is the scourge of modern society - selfishness.

People have lost the ability to listen and hear each other, have lost sincere interest in the problems and personalities of the people around them, even very close ones. The only thing that interests a modern person is his own problems, thoughts, feelings, desires. It is selfishness that does not allow.

Selfishness in relationships, as a rule, is a mutual phenomenon, but in this article we will talk about the reasons for parental selfishness, how to improve already damaged relationships and keep them normal.

Sons. There is so much in this word for each of the parents. , they expect them to implement what they themselves could not bring to life. Mothers selflessly and selflessly love their children and wish them the best. But as we know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

The main reason for problems in relationships with an adult son

There comes a time in every parent's life when he must understand that his son has grown up and no longer needs you as much as he did before. He has become an adult, which means he must “play the role” of an adult. The son’s body and psyche signal in every possible way that he must be responsible, independent, have his own opinion, principles, the right to defend his interests, personal time and space. For him, as a man, these are vital values ​​and a condition for survival.

And imagine that you continue to hold him “by the umbilical cord” and encroach on what is so important to him. What kind of reaction will you get? How does a person behave when the values ​​necessary for his survival are attacked?

There are two possible reactions.

First option. The guy will fold his arms over his chest and submit to his parents’ will. It seems that the parents are fine; the child remains under care and control. But this option is fraught with serious problems of social adaptation in the future. Your son will have difficulty adjusting to the adult world, starting a family, and building productive friendships and work relationships. In this case, he will remain a child in all contexts of life, with all the ensuing consequences.
Second option. Protest and struggle. You become your son's enemy. There will be no winners in this competition.

You will have to because this is your child, you love him and want the best. And the best thing would be to let him go, let him be independent and give him the opportunity to fill his own bumps. This is a natural process, almost all parents go through it, and those who do not go through it are doomed to experience the above options.

No one is asking you to withdraw yourself and become an indifferent spectator in your son's life. You remain the closest and dearest person to your child, but for the common good you need to adhere to the rules of communication with an adult.

Basic rules for a good relationship with an adult son

Stop giving advice when it's not asked. By giving advice, you recognize and point out to the person his inexperience, incompetence and inability to make decisions on his own. Independent decision-making presupposes further responsibility for it. Therefore, when advising, you make two mistakes.

The first is that you recognize your son’s failure and deprive him of the right to gain his own experience. This is unlikely to delight any adult.

The second is to take responsibility for the result of the decision made. If the result is negative, you risk receiving a generous portion of reproaches and complaints.

Therefore, give advice only when asked. If a parent’s heart is torn to pieces, and loving eyes fill with tears looking at how their son “steps on a rake,” the only thing you can afford to ask is: “Do you need my help?”

Don't be critical of his choice. The same principle applies here as in the case of advice. Evaluation should only be given when asked. But even if he is interested in your opinion, try to do without critical assessments. This is especially true for a guy’s relationship with the opposite sex.

You are his parents and despite the fact that he is already an adult, your opinion matters. Most likely, your son will act in his own way, but he will take your negative opinion into account and next time he will think carefully before contacting him again. Nobody likes when their choices are criticized. With your “honesty” you will turn your son against you. Respect your son’s choice, even if in your opinion it is not the best, but it is his choice.

If you want to convey your thoughts, then contact me through the “I-message”. I-message is a message in which the speaker, without reproach or pressure, communicates to another about his thoughts, emotions and desires.

When communicating with their son through the I-message, parents direct the message to him, and not against him. For example: “You constantly ignore what I tell you” is an accusation. “Your opinion and attention are very important to me, but when they don’t listen to me, it’s unpleasant for me” - I-message. I-messages will prevent conflicts and mutual grievances, help your son understand your feelings, and will not destroy trust and understanding. Communication in this style will also teach your son to correctly and tactfully convey his thoughts and experiences to you. I-messages qualitatively replace even constructive criticism.

Put yourself in his shoes.

Remember what was important to you, your values, worries and desires. This approach will help or allow you to approach them thoughtfully and.

Don't push. Newton's third law states that the action force is equal to the reaction force. So next time, before you press your son, remember that this law of physics also works in interpersonal relationships. The greater the pressure, the greater the resistance.

Instead of insistently demanding what you need, try convincing your son that he needs it too. Communicate your needs through the I-Message. This is a painless way to get what you want.

Seek advice and ask for help. A good effect for establishing relationships with an adult son is to turn to him for advice and help. These messages will give your son a sense of importance and importance to you.

Admit your mistakes. In any conflict, each side considers itself right, but if you look at it, both sides are to blame. Left unanswered, any aggressive attack is extinguished. Therefore, if a conflict arose, you were either the aggressor or responded in kind.

Think about it when communicating with your son, admit them to yourself, then talk to your son and apologize for these mistakes. Tell him that all mistakes made are due to parental love and care for him. Make a promise that from now on you will be restrained in showing emotions, you will begin to respect him as a person and treat him like an adult.

To normalize relations, first of all, parents need to understand that the guy has grown up, and the style of “parent-child” relationship needs to be changed to “adult-adult”.

In conclusion, to reduce the tension, here is a quote from Stanislav Yanovich Yankovsky (Russian comedian and mathematical engineer) about the relationship between fathers and children: “Old farts differ from young stinkers only in length and accumulated experience.”

Love and mutual understanding to you with your own children.

16 March 2014, 18:07

Irina Grabovskaya

Hello, Olga Sergeevna. I have two adult sons and now I have a conflict situation with the eldest. He is 22 years old, a year and a half ago he dropped out of university after studying for 4 years. Almost all he had to do was defend his diploma; he did not want to explain the reasons to anyone from our family; when asked what he planned to do next, he answered that he would work. We all hoped that over the summer months he would change his mind, but more than a year has passed and he does not want to continue his education. The conflict arose over his categorical refusal to look for a permanent job. During the time that has passed since he left his studies, he worked part-time 2 or 3 times for 1-2 weeks, spent the rest of the time practically resting, two months ago he entered a design school and pays for it himself, since none of his relatives wants to pay for his education. I omit the description of my emotions in relation to these two problems. But I understand that these emotions prevent me from behaving correctly, drawing the right conclusions, I don’t know what to do, please help me with advice.

Hello Irina. I understand your difficult feelings about your son, your anxiety and possible fears. You should not omit them, as their careful consideration will allow you to find answers to the question “how to behave correctly?” First, let's clarify your situation: now your son is studying at a design school, and he pays for his studies himself - this looks like an independent act of a person who is responsible for his life. What exactly is worrying you right now? In the title of the letter you wrote: “The adult son does not want to work.” Are you worried that he doesn’t want to work now, while studying?

Irina Grabovskaya

Hello, Olga Sergeevna. I'll try to clarify my question. My son is in his second month of studying at design school, and he left university a year and a half ago. He always answered my (and not only mine) questions about getting a job that he was looking for one. When I asked my friends and acquaintances to help, I immediately received two offers. But the son does not call there, is not interested in either the work schedule or the amount of payment. I was surprised and asked why he was doing this, he replied that he was sure that this job was not suitable for him. This is strange, since he did not find out anything, did not even talk about the meeting. This is very strange, I think it's almost an excuse. I tried to put pressure and heard the answer: “I’m not going to work now. When I need a job, I’ll find it.” Frankly speaking, it’s unpleasant for me to support an adult man, albeit an independent one, working in two places. If we live in the same place, how to build relationships further? I hope that I have helped you understand the essence of the conflict. Thank you,

We will try to answer the question in detail: an adult son does not want to work prayer on the site: the site is for our dear readers.

Mother's prayer for an adult son: for protection over him, from drunkenness, about health

There is nothing stronger in the world than a mother’s prayer addressed to God. Neither earthly laws, nor the forces of gravity, nor anything else has power over her. She will lift him up when his son is sick, warm him up if his soul is cold, protect him from the evil will of others, and encourage him in a moment of despair. In reading it, words are not as important as the desire to protect your child from misfortunes and troubles. So what if it has been an adult for a long time, it still needs protection and mother’s love.

How to correctly read a prayer for a son?

A mother's prayer for an adult son is very effective. But many parents ask God for their child what they themselves want for him: money, happiness, love, and so on. In fact, this is somewhat wrong and selfish. It is better to entrust the fate of your child to the Lord; He knows better what should be given to him.

It is better to turn to the Almighty early in the morning and in a place of prayer. It doesn't have to be a temple, monastery or church. You can create a “red corner” in your own home by placing an icon case in it on the eastern wall. Just make sure that it is away from toys, cosmetics, paintings on a biblical theme and other modern things, otherwise the images will lose their power.

Before reading a mother’s prayer for an adult son, you definitely need to prepare: wash, bring yourself to your senses, clear your thoughts, calm down and be silent a little in order to prepare for a conversation with God. Anger, contempt and other negative feelings should be released. It is worth forgiving everyone you are offended by. If it doesn’t work out, we need to ask our Father for forgiveness and help in overcoming our weakness.

To read the mother’s prayer, you should kneel in front of the icons. Of course, you can turn to the Almighty while standing, sitting and even lying down, but for this you must have very serious reasons. In addition, one should remember the words of the ancient Fathers. They said that any prayer will be fruitless if the body has not worked.

The most important thing when talking with God is to be sincere. It is absolutely not necessary to memorize some prayers in order to then say them in front of the icons. Words coming from the very depths of your soul will be much more effective. You just need to believe in His mercy and intercession, then He will definitely hear you.

If extraneous thoughts appear during prayer, you need to understand: they are from the evil one. You need to drive them away from you like annoying flies. You should definitely say: “Lord, teach me to pray correctly.” You can also start the prayer again or set an alarm clock and read as many prayers as you can within the allotted time.

The words of the prayer should be pronounced slowly, without jabbering or swallowing endings. It is recommended to take at least short pauses between sentences and different prayers. To do well, you can not read the words, but hum them, as the priests do in church. This will be much more effective.

Do not forget to bow to the ground and not 10 times, but 50 or even 100, and also make the sign of the cross when pronouncing the word “Amen” and when mentioning the name of the Savior. By doing this you thank God for his mercy. Ask Him for strong patrons for your son in personal, professional or spiritual growth. Only then can you really help your son find the right direction in life with the help of the Almighty.

A strong prayer for the protection of a son who left his father’s house

No matter how old the son is, the mother’s soul still hurts for him. Especially if he is somewhere far away and not at home. Thoughts are spinning in my head: how is he, what is he doing, is everything okay with him. To calm down and protect your child from all sorts of misfortunes, you can read a strong prayer for an adult son who has left his father’s house:

It is advisable to do this in front of the face of the Lord and protector of humanity, the Most Holy Theotokos, who herself was once a mother. Time – daily, at 6 am, once and on an empty stomach. At the same time, you should put all your strength, emotions, soul and love into prayer. Then your words will be heard, and prayer will help.

Prayer for serious illnesses affecting my son

There is nothing worse for a mother when her beloved child suffers due to serious illnesses or mental pain. She is ready to give everything in the world so that he gets better faster and is happy. But in fact, all that may be required to make a desire come true is to turn to Saint Panteleimon. This is a doctor who once treated the weak and poor absolutely free of charge. The fame of the miracles he performed is still alive.

As a rule, after turning to the Saint, the patient is cured. But there are times when it simply becomes easier for the sufferer to endure the illness. This suggests that he needs to visit church to confess and receive communion.

Prayer for recovery from drunkenness

Those mothers whose sons become drunkards experience enormous grief. It happens that their hearts become so hardened that they begin to curse their own child. This is a huge sin that is very difficult to atone for! If you are faced with your child’s alcoholism, do not allow pride, resentment and despondency to come to you, it is better to go to church and conduct a ritual prayer to admonish your adult son and rid him of his addiction.

First of all, when you come to church, light candles near the icons of the Savior of Man, St. Nicholas the Wonderworker and Matrona of Moscow. Immediately order separate liturgies for the health of your son and yourself. Take 3 more candles and fill with blessed water. When there is no one in the house, go to your room, send your pets out and light candles in front of the iconostasis. Imagine that in front of you is a son who has succeeded and recovered from alcoholism. Pronounce the words clearly:

It is best to read this prayer early in the morning 3 times. In this case, you should make the sign of the cross and drink consecrated water from three different sides of the cup after each completion of her words. If you believe, prayer will definitely help.

About protecting my son

This maternal prayer for an adult son can be read not only after he leaves home, but also before he does so. She will help protect him from all sorts of troubles, illnesses, human envy and anger, and material problems. Saying your prayer out loud can also help your son choose the right direction in life. You will make him follow the path that was originally intended by Fate. Her words are as follows:

The prayer should be said with sincere faith and a desire to help the son, otherwise everything will be in vain.

Mothers love their children not because they are smart or energetic, but for the very fact of their existence. These feelings are always sincere, pure, without bad thoughts. And therefore, prayers for the health of an adult son, coming from the very depths of the soul, really help. The main thing is to turn to God, His Son or the Mother of God without rushing anywhere and driving away all kinds of thoughts from yourself - both bad and not so bad.

To protect your son from all sorts of illnesses and ailments, you can say the following words in front of the icon of Jesus Christ:

It is also better to do this in the morning, kneeling in front of the iconostasis and making the sign of the cross. It is advisable not to eat anything until this moment.

Prayer for a son and his wife

A happily married mother sincerely wishes that her son and his beloved would have everything as good as they did with their father. The one who is unlucky wants everything to work out for the best for the child. A prayer for an adult son and his wife, read by a mother who sincerely worries about her children, reaches God. She helps the boy improve his life and become a happy family man. You need to read before the icon of Jesus Christ, the following words:

By the way, this same prayer can be used to bless young people for a happy and long marriage.

What should you remember while praying?

While pronouncing words addressed to God, one should delve into the meaning of each of them. Even if it takes a long time, there is no need to rush. Remember: your son’s health and happiness should come first if you decide to pray for him. Therefore, turn off your phones, turn off alarm clocks and put your watches away; you won’t need them while talking with the Almighty.

After reading each prayer, memorized, try to turn to God simply like that, in your own words, coming from the soul. You must feel them, understand what feelings they awaken in your heart. Then bow before the icons, asking the Father for mercy for yourself and your child.

As a conclusion

A mother's prayer for an adult son, as well as for a small one, is capable of reaching from the bottom of the sea. She, like the wings of an angel, will cover the child and protect him from all kinds of adversity. But if dad turns to God with a request to protect his beloved child, the words will work no worse. Remember this! And may the Almighty protect you.

Mother's prayer for her son, 5 Orthodox prayers to the Lord God

A mother’s prayer for her son will help the suffering child recover quickly and find well-being in a humble soul.

If your son is sick or suffers from drunkenness, you can read one of the five suggested prayers over him.

If the child is far from Orthodoxy, whisper prayers without his knowledge.

Any mother wants her son not to make mistakes and to preserve his life for procreation.

Pray for him, and God will certainly hear you.

Mother's prayer for her son's health

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God. I trust in you and ask for my own son. Deliver him from illness and disease and cure his sinful soul from the wounds of mistrust. Let it be so. Amen.

Mother's prayer for her son's well-being

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God. I beg you for the well-being of my son and his deliverance from death sentences. If he has sinned, forgive him and send down Orthodox blessings from heaven. Thy will be done. Amen.

Mother's prayer for her son's marriage

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God. Help my child in a righteous marriage that will benefit his sinful soul. Send down a daughter-in-law who is modest and who reveres holy Orthodoxy. Thy will be done. Amen.

Mother's prayer for her drinking son

I beg you, Lord God, and ask for holy absolution. Help my drinking son get rid of his craving for alcohol and protect him from imminent death. Thy will be done. Amen.

Orthodox prayer of a mother for her son

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God. Grant my son good health, reason and will, strength and spirit. Protect him from harmful influences and guide him on the path leading to Orthodoxy. Thy will be done. Amen.

And when you feel maternal grief, remember that you have 5 Orthodox prayers through which we communicate with God.

God bless you!

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Number of reviews: 21

Please help me get rid of the gypsy curse. Several years ago I was in Albania, and since then terrible illnesses and money problems have not left me. I turned to various psychics for help, but it only got worse.

Please help me get rid of the gypsy curse.

My son is 37 years old. He drinks and doesn't work. He comes (he has his own living room), insults me and my mother, he has no luck with women. What should I do, help?

My son studies at the university. He skips classes and doesn’t want to study. He sits on the computer all the time. Please help me defeat his laziness and immaturity! I really want him to graduate from university and get an education!

Thank you very much.

My son is 18 years old. He always gets into some unpleasant stories.

How to deal with this?

How to deal with this?

Currently, you are on a site page that should help you.

Read a mother's prayers for her son.

Please don't be sad.

Everything will definitely work out for you!

Make sure that my son enters a prestigious university on a budget basis.

To the faculty that he likes.

Make sure my son enters a prestigious university...

Unfortunately, I am neither a wizard nor a healer, but an ordinary person.

For this reason, it remains for me to provide you with the most suitable material from our website for your review.

Please help my son.

She has been crying constantly for almost two months.

What prayer can help?

What prayer can help?

Hello, dear woman.

Forgive me for not being a healer.

I kindly ask you to contact a knowledgeable doctor, and in between treatments, read prayers from this site.

You are already on the appropriate page.

May God grant that your son recovers quickly.

Please, take care of yourself!

Help and tell me, please, what prayers should I read constantly?

For a year now, my relationship with my teenage son (he is 16 years old) has not worked out.

Over the past six months, I have already caused both anger and irritation in him.

Because of the latest quarrel, he doesn’t want to make contact; he lives with his grandmother and refuses to return home.

I’m even ready to give up my favorite sport.

Only friends are a priority.

The feeling is that everything is getting worse and worse.

Lord, how I understand you so well.

You are a mother, which means you suffer with all your might.

The road to the Temple has been paved for you.

3 candles for the icon of Jesus Christ and St. Nicholas the Wonderworker.

Submit a registered note about your son's health.

Write yourself into a separate one.

Read the “Our Father” prayer and Psalm 90 in Orthodox solitude.

Try using the wording suggested on our website.

I beg you very much, do not give up.

You have to go through adolescence.

You will definitely succeed.

May God help you!

I am looking for a prayer-conspiracy for my eldest son, since he is unlucky in life.

Age 42 years.

No permanent job.

I thank God for everything.

My 31-year-old son drinks, rages, offends me, makes scandals, saying that everything is my fault.

We don’t work anywhere, we live on pension.

I'm even afraid to stay with him sometimes.

Thank you. May God bless you.

How to pray for the demons to leave him and for him to stop drinking?

Please do not despair, although I am trying to understand how a mother’s heart suffers.

You can familiarize yourself with the prayers presented on this page.

Go to the Orthodox Church and submit a registered note of Health for yourself and your own son.

Read the prayers “Our Father” and Psalm 91.

I beg you, take care of yourself.

May God help you!

My son is 7 years old. Lives with father. He doesn't want to return home.

Is there such a prayer for a son to want to return to his mother?

My son is 14 years old.

Like an ordinary teenager, he hangs out with friends, but I’m scared for him because of the latest events related to suicide in the country.

Hello Nastya, I share your concerns.

In adolescence, it is very important not to let the child go by losing trust.

Read “Our Father” and Psalm 90.

In Church, place candles near any icons. Submit a registered note about your son's health.

Everything will be fine. Difficult time in the country. You just have to survive it.

My son is 16 years old, we haven’t found a common language for 2 years, he constantly leaves home, skips school, doesn’t want to study, he’s rude, he’s rude, and he’s rude to everyone - both his grandmothers and us parents, you can’t say a word to him - right out of the blue a scandal ensues.

How to pray correctly?

Which icons should I contact, please tell me?

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If adult children do not want to work

In society, it is considered normal for children to begin an independent life when they become adults. However, not in all cases such an event occurs by itself. Some adult children have to be pushed to finally step up and take full responsibility. Many parents strive to help their children and do this for a very long time. It happens that an adult “child” is already over thirty, but he lives like a carefree eighteen-year-old student, without thinking about his future life and building his own family. Separation from father and mother may never happen. Why change anything if everything suits him anyway? At home, mom will always prepare a delicious lunch and feed her “baby,” wash the clothes, iron them and neatly put them on the shelf.

Unfortunately, the problem of infantilism among those who are already over twenty is not uncommon. Some people, having become adults, do not dare to be independent. When their son doesn’t want to work, parents clutch their heads and don’t know what to do. At the same time, as it turns out, an over-aged “child” does not want to receive an education, and sometimes, under the guise that he is “studying,” he continues to enjoy life without straining himself at all. Here you cannot do without the wise advice of a psychologist. Only a competent specialist can help you understand the situation and suggest an important thought. Before taking active steps, you need to know the reasons why a young man or woman refuses to get a job. Then, armed with knowledge, you can do something.

What can serve as a sufficient reason for an adult son or daughter to spend time idly, as if they were in childhood? This approach to life cannot be called serious; it rather indicates emotional and social immaturity. Infantilism in adults is manifested by the inability to take responsibility for their actions and actions. It is not uncommon to see adult men approaching thirty still living with their parents and in no hurry to start their own families. At the same time, they do not want to invest in the family budget. Why is this happening? Let's try to figure it out.

Low requests

Some people want to achieve a high position in society, while others are satisfied with the very minimum that fate can offer. Not everyone feels the need to purchase expensive things, clothes, and accessories. For some, the bare minimum is enough to feel happy and calm. If a person has low demands, then he will not strive to earn good money. A personality is able to develop only in a situation of limitation, when basic needs are not satisfied. If parents provide everything for a young person, then he will not strive for independence until an unmet need appears. That is why it is extremely undesirable to spoil a child while he is growing up, to fulfill all his whims.

The advice of a psychologist will be useful to those who intend to actively act in order to radically change the situation. The situation when a son or daughter, having reached adulthood, sits on the parent’s neck, cannot be happy. Such unsettlement of one’s own child upsets and disappoints the mother and father, makes them doubt themselves and look for mistakes they once made.

Diffidence

It stems from a feeling of helplessness. If a person, having reached a certain age, does not grow up in time, then no one can force him to do it. He simply will not find the strength within himself for further changes, in order to decide on global and decisive steps. Self-doubt can poison anyone's life and hinder personal development. When a daughter who has reached the age of majority does not want to work, it’s not so bad. In the end, a girl can get married successfully and live off her husband’s income. In the event that a guy refuses all employment, then you need to sound the alarm. The young man must learn the responsibility that he will later take for his own family. If he is so dependent that he cannot bring himself to get off the couch and start doing something, then there is no hope for him in the future. Lack of self-confidence usually gives rise to numerous other problems.

Excessive shyness

Sometimes it can be quite difficult for a young person to start an independent life because of the fears that trouble him. He may suffer greatly from the fact that he is unable to organize his life properly and achieve the desired goal. In this case, parents need help with advice and guidance for their son. If the reason is that the young man has no desire to deal with difficulties, he needs to be forced to overcome his shyness. Such stiffness in adulthood only gets in the way. Infantilism must be prevented, not allowed to grow. If the son does not cope with difficulties in time, then he will not be able to take responsibility for all the events that occur. Talk to your grown child, explain why it is important to get on your feet in time and be independent, give practical advice.

Prolonged search for oneself

Typically, youthful quests end by the age of twenty-two. At this time, there is a need to do something for themselves, young people rush to separate from their parents. If this does not happen, there is a serious reason to think about the well-being and maturity of a person. If a son or daughter does not want to work, there is definitely a reason for this behavior. The position may be dictated by the need to find oneself in an interesting and creative activity. However, if the search continues for years and does not lead to anything definite, then this is a reason to think deeply. In many cases, young people simply do not know how to realize their own interests and abilities, so they are ready for a long time to justify inaction as bad luck or failures.

The fear of losing comfort is a childish position that is not characteristic of an adult. If there is extreme lack of independence, then you cannot limit yourself to advice alone. It is necessary to take concrete steps forward.

Failure to plan

Sometimes it happens that an adult man does not have basic skills. He not only does not want to live at his own expense, but also to do something useful. Here, even the strictest parents are unlikely to be able to force him to come to his senses. The inability to plan and the lack of habit of conducting everyday affairs turn a young man into a weak-willed and socially helpless creature. Under no circumstances should you indulge his weakness, otherwise you will have to support such a “child” for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, very often the lack of desire to improve one’s life is associated with a number of other problems: alcohol, smoking, computer games and complete inactivity. Bad habits tend to become stronger over time.

What to do

It is very difficult, almost impossible, to force an adult to work when he does not want to. The fact is that a mature personality wants to manage his life independently. Most likely, the grown-up offspring will rebel in every possible way and show an extreme degree of indignation. Despite all the dissatisfaction, parents should act as straightforwardly and firmly as possible. Otherwise, you will never be able to remove the overgrown fellow from your neck, who lives for his own pleasure and does not want to change anything.

Thoughts about the future

If you don’t know where to start a conversation with your son about his employment, then it’s best to start thinking about the future. During such conversations, it will become clear what he dreams of, what plans he has. Before bringing serious accusations against a person, it is necessary to listen to him and give him the opportunity to explain himself. Who better than parents to know their child? When a person tries to hide something or provoke a quarrel, it is quite noticeable and immediately catches the eye. Joint thoughts about the future will help the young man make up his mind, and parents will better understand him.

Don't give money

If there is no way to influence the adult son, all that remains is to limit his support. What does it mean? You just don’t need to give him money for pocket expenses or food, then he will be forced to start providing for himself. As a rule, such a serious step forces an adult man to move and do something. Self-reliance begins with making the right decisions. Let the son be indignant and offended now, but then he will sincerely thank you for the lesson taught. Of course, it is better if awareness comes earlier. There is nothing worse than war with your own child. Mutual reproaches and accusations can ruin relationships for a long time. It is necessary to approach the matter responsibly, explain tactfully, but firmly.

Conclusion: an adult, be it a man or a woman, must separate from his parents in time and acquire financial independence. A grown child should not be allowed to take advantage of the kindness of his father and mother.

I kindly ask you to help me make a decision in a difficult situation that has been going on for more than five years.
I’m stating it very briefly, like many - from an empty account...
I have an adult son, he is 25.
A young man plays (world of war craft). Doesn't work, doesn't study.
At different times, he received all kinds of support from his relatives so that the young man could get an education and a profession. But the institute was abandoned twice (the budget and the restoration paid for by me to a paid department), plus a couple of years ago, shortly before graduation, the commercial university he had chosen, where he could quickly master the profession he had also chosen, was also abandoned (he was disappointed, did not like the teachers, etc.). P.).
UPD: it all started in the first year of the institute. I passed the first session the second time with excellent marks, the second - already with difficulty and retakes in the fall. I stopped studying in my second year - virtual life replaced the real one.
The character and attitude towards loved ones has changed.
As a child, he was a very good guy - interesting, inquisitive, empathetic, attached to his loved ones.
I was involved in swimming, sambo, snowboarding, roller skating for a long time, loved a dog, had good friends.
went with me to volunteer in orphanages. I read a lot.
Now he is a person with a completely different character. it’s very difficult to talk - you have to wade through the meaning of each phrase, in which there are clouds of vague hints that he understands what’s what - in such a global sense. he has a very good tongue, but after five minutes of conversation his brain explodes in attempts to get to the meaning of what was said, to return to the mainstream of the conversation. At first he gives the impression of being smart and well-read - then you quickly realize that this is all multi-layered demagoguery about nothing.
sports, friends - no. Interests: chess, philosophy. if he doesn’t play, he can watch movies for hours, analyze chess games, listen to some philosophical lectures. As far as I can see it in rare short visits.
We do not live under the same roof, because... From a certain point, living together turned out to be completely unbearable.
Conversations were held, conditions were written down, etc., but the young man crap around himself in layers and did not clean up, did nothing (he skipped college - went to play with a friend at that time), did not work and constantly lied enchantingly.
At some point, the resource ran out, and the young man went to live with his dad. Then to grandma. Then he returned home, but all hell broke loose again. In short, as soon as the opportunity arose, he was given a separate one-room apartment in a very good area of ​​Moscow.
Now she is a terrible, creepy sight. Broken furniture that should be thrown in the trash, but this is not done. Mountains of garbage, dirt, etc. The refrigerator does not work, the hot water does not flow.
From time to time, the boy found a job or a part-time job, but he either did not stay in one place for more than a month and a half, or was unable to go to work at the appointed time (played at night and slept in the morning). He didn’t like the job of a waiter, which I got him for through a restaurant director I knew – it was hard and the pay was low.
Summons from the military registration and enlistment office regularly arrive, but the young man does not want to serve. And if he doesn’t want to, then he shouldn’t, in his opinion.
It is extremely difficult to talk to him. The person has an extremely high opinion of himself, and if you try to convey to him your vision of the situation, he behaves extremely arrogantly and boorishly.
I tell him that I am ready to help in every possible way and do anything for him - provided that he admits that there is something wrong with him and he needs help. Just as always, she said that she was ready to help in every possible way - but only if he tried to do something himself.
Actually, having gone a certain way in realizing and accepting this situation, I understand perfectly well that my son has serious problems, most likely this is a certain degree of mental disorder, but everything is fixable and solvable - if only his personal will and desire are there. No specialist can help “from photographs”. And if a person wants to live like this (from hand to mouth, in a pigsty, idle and alone) - this is his conscious adult choice. And for a long time, in general, I tried my best to leave him alone, giving him the opportunity to learn to live an independent adult life, solve his own everyday and social problems and take responsibility for himself. Supporting only minimally, so that the person understands that there is no freebie, and I am not a sponsor.
However, today I grabbed a certain “last straw”. I found him a part-time job as a courier, quite stable. She promised to buy a travel pass as help, and also bring some things. Arriving at the apartment, I ran into a neighbor who told me that my son several times left notes for neighbors like: “Help. I am hungry". Moreover, this same neighbor’s situation is not the best - exactly the same adult boy, only he’s also a drug addict, sits on her neck. Therefore, a note was left to the third neighbors - from behind whose doors I heard the voices of small children.
It was a shock for me. There were situations when my son called that he had nothing to eat. I bought the simplest products for two weeks and took them, or called his father and asked him to do it.
The young man always has his Internet and phone working. And he can, at worst, call me, his father or his grandmother so that they can bring him food. But when a healthy, strong young man leaves a note at the door of neighbors who have small children, instead of looking up from the computer and going to earn a piece of bread - for me this is a wild situation.
I’m very upset and I can’t help but think that I can’t just look at all this anymore.
I would like to hear an opinion from the outside - especially from psychologists, psychiatrists or just smart people - what to do about this?
Continue to be “left alone”, waiting for him to grow up and turn from I don’t know who into a good person?
Delivered with a police squad to the military registration and enlistment office?
Evict from the apartment - to worse conditions / to the street / to your father?
Something else?
Nothing?
Help me understand what to do? (((
UPD2: I am looking for a good psychotherapist/psychiatrist for travel and further (hopefully) work (in Moscow).

Hello, dear Yana.
I honestly googled my question, but didn’t find any answers; it’s more common to criticize parents for guardianship beyond measure. That’s why I’m turning to the “Question-Answer” section; I really need your thoughtful advice and the advice of readers.

We are the same age, we also got married early, we have a daughter (24) and a son (20). The second birth had complications and as a result of the treatment of these complications I became disabled. My husband at the time couldn’t cope with this, there was tension, insults, partying, and seven years later I reached my breaking point and got divorced with great difficulty. With difficulty we managed to sell our two-room apartment (my husband created all sorts of obstacles and signed the papers only after he found out that my children and I were getting a destroyed one-room apartment, without glass in the windows, with a broken front door.) Within a year, I cleaned the apartment, installed glass, and a door. I replaced it, and gradually, as long as I had enough money, I bought furniture and made repairs. I always worked a lot, two days at work and two days at home (I completed private orders). In general, we did not live in poverty, although we lived modestly, did not go hungry, and the children had everything they needed. Alimony was limited, and then it stopped coming altogether. But I'm not complaining - I managed.
And now the children have grown up. My daughter moved to another city, got married there, and my son lives with me. He graduated from college (he chose his specialty himself) and after working a little, he stated that he did not like his specialty and did not want to continue working in it.
It’s not a tricky thing, look for another income and get a profession that you love. (At 18, I helped him pay for driving lessons, and my aunt “gave” him a loan for an old car) And then he “stuck.”

Almost a year has passed without constant work under the mantra “I’m looking for it!” I don’t see much zeal anymore. He gets by as a driver, his car often breaks down, and he always has no money. Any hint of the question “how about finding a job?” literally explodes and the matter ends in a scandal. I'm afraid to ask.

Of course, I have to pay for utilities, internet, and groceries too. A stupid situation has arisen where a man lives at the expense of his mother. And then he got into the habit of being rude and stopped putting away his things. He comes, eats, sleeps, shoots himself on the Internet, leaves, leaving the mess for “I’ll clean up later.”

I don’t know how to behave or what to do, I don’t have enough resources, my health isn’t the same either. It's useless to push, I'm in the wrong weight category.(

I read letters from readers about how parents cannot let go of their adult children and I sincerely don’t understand. They've already grown up!
I love him very much, but I'm tired. I really want to live separately, not have to deal with endless cleaning, not swear over unwashed dishes and crumbs on the table, not count pennies. But the trouble is that we live in my one-room apartment. I have nowhere to go, I’m not able to buy another place to live.

The son is a good person, helps his grandmother, takes her to the garden, does not smoke or drink. But there is a certain sloppiness in him, there always has been. It’s just that in childhood you could force it, but now it doesn’t work. I understand that he is on nerves. But there is plenty of work around! How a guy can’t get settled I can’t understand.

And here’s the really stupid question: what should we do with adult children? How can I create conditions in my situation so that my son is forced to actively take care of his
employment?

Hello!
Great question! But I do not know.
I’ve talked so many times with smart people on this topic, everyone talks about it. that there is only one way out: directly kick them out and stop helping. Just put it out the door, go wherever you want. Apparently they don't leave otherwise. And when you kick them out like this, they first find somewhere to rest, and then, when they are gradually kicked out from everywhere, they come to their senses.

But I don’t know how to kick him out, in what words, and how to decide on this. I understand that in any case this will be a big emotional scene (and apparently more than one), a lot of grievances, and all this could still end in nothing at all, but what if a person responds to the words “Leave right now” and simply does not leave? What to do? Kick them out? He's probably stronger. Call the police and evict? Well, whoever does that is even more difficult.

In general, I don’t know how I would solve such a question, and how to pull it off. And what to do if you don’t have the strength to live, but you don’t have the courage to take and kick out a person openly (or it’s a pity).

Dear readers - does anyone know a more clear answer? (Now there will probably be comments that initially it was necessary to educate differently, but we don’t know how it happened, and then - it’s already gone. So let’s concentrate on how to solve the problem now. ;-))