What is a divorce? For some, this is confusion and the loss of a model of behavior developed over the years, for others - euphoria and liberation, for others - disappointment in everything and everyone. Either way, divorce is stressful. And, being in this extreme tension, you also need to work, and raise children (if any), and take care of yourself, and do not forget about society. How to start over? Let's talk about this.

What difficulties might you face after a divorce in trying to build a new relationship?

You forgot what flirting is

Especially if you get married early. Rational, unobtrusive, natural flirting is a whole science. And not everyone has this knowledge genetically. It takes time to learn how to behave naturally and find those partners who really suit you. But what if you spent this time with one man with whom you recently divorced, and did not communicate with anyone else? In communication with the opposite sex, you can feel like a schoolgirl whose legs are trembling in front of the unknown.

You lower your self-esteem

Few people come out of a divorce without psychological trauma. And in this case, first of all, alas, self-esteem suffers. Especially if the marriage broke up due to infidelity. Depending on the degree of trauma of the event, women, with rare exceptions, choose one of three ineffective behaviors:

• "All men are goats and I'm not going to deal with them";
• "I am not worthy of men"; (Scrolling these two phrases in your head, you thereby become isolated in yourself.)
• “I am the most charming and attractive. And just try to refuse!

In this case, you have a second wind. Wanting to get acquainted at all costs, you begin to send profiles to all dating sites, in companies you pester all unmarried men, you constantly flirt at work and, in general, behave intrusively, sometimes even aggressively. This means one thing: you are not yet ready for a harmonious relationship - do not rush, give yourself time.

You start to rush things

We all love stencils, samples that we ourselves created with our own hands. And therefore, women who have lived with one man for a long time often transfer these stencils to new acquaintances. As a result, already on the second date, they begin to make attempts to introduce the man to their children, offer to “go to the circus together, as it was before”, choose a “normal jacket” for a new acquaintance, “dress and cut your hair like a decent person”. And this is not at all a demonstration of the benefits of a future family life, as the majority believes, it is an unceremonious violation of personal space.

Are you looking for a wizard

“I wish I had a new man, I would solve all my problems and heal my wounds,” one client writes to me, who just wants to divorce her husband. And why does this new man have to decide something ... So he will be “delighted”. Let him run right away. Because he has enough problems of his own, and then there are others. One or two more problems to solve all right. And when there is a whole cartload of them and a small cart?

Very often, women who have not had time to take a break from old relationships hang all their everyday and psychological problems on a new partner, load him with unnecessary information, telling him “what a great sex it was with my husband”, “how great they went to Thailand with the whole family”, “ how my husband washed the floors and generally helped with the housework”, “how he cheated with his secretary”, “how he got drunk in the garage”. And then they are surprised that for some reason they cannot build a serious relationship.

How to avoid difficulties and how to get acquainted?

Restore the flirting gap

It is believed that a woman is ready for a new relationship only after 3-6 years. That's how long it takes to recover. Start with casual, non-committal friendships. To begin with, understand, who are they, the men who surround you now? Imagine that you are from another planet and you have been given the task to find out who they are, how they live, how they think, what they want? When communicating with the opposite sex, show respect, sincere interest and follow all the rules of effective communication.

The men with whom you will communicate do not have to be free. You are learning to communicate. Discuss utility issues with your neighbor, keep up a conversation with a fellow traveler on the train, help your grandfather find goods in the store, discuss something positive with the men standing in line with you, make friends with the male team of the neighboring department. Train, expand your circle of acquaintances, and gradually from this circle you will have an image of the partner that you need for a serious relationship.

Align Self-Esteem

Do not withdraw into yourself: if you are offended by men, go out to people. In any. Though in the women's team, even the men's. Take more hours at work if it is connected with communication, participate in charity, invite girlfriends, friends to visit, join interest groups, come to themed evenings. Get to know yourself new in communication.

And yes, no aggression in dating! Men are not to blame that your previous relationship was unsuccessful. If you're angry that you weren't asked out on a date, brought the wrong flowers, invited you to the wrong cafe, didn't respond to your warm hugs, you're not ready for a relationship yet. Yes, you are wonderful, beautiful, amazing, but now you have a grudge against men that you need to endure so as not to transfer the conflict to innocent people.

Don't force things

No matter how your relatives and friends put pressure on you: “Hurry, while you are still young and beautiful,” no matter how much you yourself would like to jump into the pool with your head, do not rush. You don't have a husband. There is another person in front of you. And your relationship should develop naturally. Acquaintance should be an acquaintance, courtship - courtship, grinding - grinding, and not vice versa. Do not feed borscht to an unfamiliar person, stop trying to introduce him to children and parents. Respect other people's space.

Ask yourself: “What do I want now? Get rid of resentment against your ex-husband? For the whole world? Or maybe I want to find a new job? Travel to Malaysia? Sign up for Zumba? Did you find anything suitable from this list? If not, please add your own.

Realize what you have long wanted. Who, if not you, should take care of your beloved? Load yourself with work, psychological and everyday. Become happier every day, step by step get rid of claims to the world BY YOUR OWN forces through the fulfillment of your small and big tasks, through the fulfillment of your desires.

You must come to a new relationship as renewed as possible, without prejudice, resentment, obsessive thoughts and doubts about your inner and outer appearance.

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AnastasizLyubimchenko

I broke up with my loved one. Through my own fault. At the time, I didn't regret it. The first time everything was fine. I was alone for several months. Then I started dating other guys. But it wasn't all right. I started thinking about past relationships. But she didn't want to return anything. And now for half a year I have been dating a young man. He is smart, good, caring, kind and, as they say now, "for life." But... I have feelings for the first young man. I can't help myself. And I can't return it. With this, I know that everything will be fine, but there are no feelings. What do i do? Anastasia, 26 years old.

Hello Anastasia!
I hear about your parting with your loved one, through your own fault. How do you think back to past relationships, at what point?
Relationship with smart, good and comfortable "for life", what are your feelings for him?
What happens to you, from the knowledge that everything will be fine with "convenient for life", but you won't be able to return your loved one?

AnastasizLyubimchenko

My thoughts come back to him from time to time. I think about him all the time. I can't help myself! Past memories. Even what was bad for us is now seen in a good light. And with the current one, I'm calm, good. He does everything for me, no matter what I ask. Very caring! And it seems that there are only pluses, but the soul does not lie, because I think about the past. I’m cooking, but I think that the former should have cooked like that and so on ... In short, as if I want to correct mistakes. And I really miss my ex. I don't think he will forgive me. Yes, I betrayed him, starting another relationship. We are still in contact with his mother. But secretly. This is also stressful. I feel ashamed in front of a real young man. What to do, how to be? Thanks a lot!

When you periodically return thoughts to the "beloved person", what do they give you?
Can you describe how something happens for you that was poorly seen in a good light?
I want you to return that you are calmly well with the current one, does everything for you, but your soul does not lie. How do you stay in a relationship with him?
What mistakes do you want to fix with your ex? In the first post, you talked about guilt, how does it relate to starting another relationship?
What is shame in front of a real young man?

AnastasizLyubimchenko

Hope or something ... Well, because of what we broke up, I was not satisfied with his attitude towards me ... Now I already think that maybe everything was fine. When I don’t think about the former, everything seems to be fine and life goes on. It seems that I understand with my mind, but alas ... I want to correct the following mistakes: to understand him, not to swear with him ... The fault is that I betrayed him by starting a new relationship. And that we probably won't be together anymore. And I need to live on, start a family, children ... The shame is that he is so good, he does everything for me, but I can’t reciprocate (

Hope for what?
What was his attitude towards you that did not suit you?
What are your mistakes in understanding it, in not swearing? Describe the situation.
When I read, about guilt, words about betrayal and that you probably no longer wake up together. It shrinks inside, it becomes bitter and painful.
And the next sentence about I have to live on, start a family, children seem to pull me out of my previous feelings (bitterly and painfully) and there is no way to stay with them, to live. These are my feelings. How do my words resonate with you?
What kind of reciprocity can you not answer the current guy?

When marrying school love, girls hardly imagine that in 10-15 years they will have to become free again. Most women who become wives at an early age do not understand what flirting is. After all, while their unmarried girlfriends won the hearts of men, they learned to build a serious relationship with the only one - her husband. And now it turns out that men do not achieve their thirties, they do not care, and it is necessary to be able to attract their attention. How to build a new relationship after a divorce?

1. Let go of your complexes.
2. Don't force things.
3. Stop comparing.

Let go of your inhibitions

Any woman who has gone through a divorce is very difficult to get out of it. On average, it takes 3 to 6 years for her to want a new relationship after a divorce. Even those who parted ways on a good note start to doubt themselves. Self-esteem decreases: I'm not so good, they don't like me, there are women who are much more beautiful. There are so-called blocks of a married woman. The inability to flirt with men, the lack of understanding of the “rules of the game” lead to a dead end, because over the past 5 (10, 20) years, close communication was only with her husband, and it was not required to seduce him.

Usually women after a divorce choose one of two behaviors. First: they decide that "all men are bastards" or "I'm bad and unworthy of the happiness of being loved," and close in on themselves. The second: “I will prove to myself and others (especially the former) that I am still hoo,” and they go all out. Both models are wrong.

Advice from a psychologist: the first thing to do is to accept yourself for who you are, love yourself, start taking care of yourself. Give yourself gifts, fulfill your little whims. Forget complexes. Stop trying to prove something. Everyone is abandoned, everyone experiences betrayal. It doesn't mean you are bad or he is bad. It happens. Love yourself and men will love you back.

Don't force things

Most women who have just gone through a divorce are eager to start a new relationship right away. Hence the typical errors:

. bombard him with calls and sms;

. plan ahead (from a weekend in the country to a joint wedding);

. immediately acquaint with the child and mother;

. cook him dinner, clean his apartment.

Advice from a psychologist: looking ahead, you scare men. They perceive such actions as an invasion of personal space, get scared and run away. Remember, you are not his mother or wife. The usual patterns of behavior that helped you out in family life do not work here. Let things take their course and don't rush them, just enjoy.

Stop comparing

It is clear that the only relationship that a woman has known for the last 10 years is a past marriage. Over the years, a lot has been lived, hundreds of common memories, some habits and traditions. When a new partner appears, comparisons with an ex-husband are inevitable. And here it begins: “we always went on vacation to warm countries”, “my husband always bought me diamonds”, “he washed his own socks”.

This will not only annoy a new man, but infuriate him. For a woman, this is fraught with dragging old mistakes into a new relationship after a divorce. As a result, he will assume that his partner does not need new feelings, but still will not forget her husband, and she will decide that all men are equally bad.

Advice from a psychologist: stop comparing. And try not to start a serious relationship in the first months and even, perhaps, a year after marriage. It is better to get acquainted with a large number of men, new acquaintances who are interested in you as a woman. Look for emotions, adventures. On the one hand, this will help you survive the pain and feel loved again, on the other hand, you will acquire the previously lost skill of communicating with the opposite sex.

If relationships with men after a divorce do not add up, it makes sense to come to a psychologist for help. Counseling and coaching will help you get over and let go of old traumas and avoid transferring past mistakes into new relationships. There are also special women's trainings that help you learn how to communicate with men, flirt and feel feminine.

As a rule, all novels begin beautifully: flowers, poems, sweets, boat trips, meetings at the monument and romantic gatherings on a bench in the city center. If they end, then in different ways: after betrayal or even without thinking about it, by mutual agreement or at the initiative of one of the partners, with confusion, or, conversely, easily and freely. After realizing this, the question always arises: “What to do next?” Is it worth taking a break to relax and sort out your feelings, or is it better to start a new relationship sooner?

At first glance, the question is simple, it has only two possible answers. But each opinion has its champions and opponents. Someone thinks that it is necessary to switch more quickly, and someone that you need to be alone with yourself. Who is right?

In a pool with a head

A short soap opera based on real events, codenamed "breakups and their role in personal life." Christina broke up with Pavel. For two years they lived together, went on vacation to the most exotic corners of the world and made plans for the future. Therefore, when Christina packed her things, called a taxi, settled with a friend and began to monitor sites in search of a separate home, it came as a surprise to everyone. On Facebook, her status quickly changed to “free”, and when asked by friends about the reasons for the breakup, she answered in all seriousness: “I fell out of love!” Happens.

The situation seems to be understandable - Pavel suffers, and Christina flies on the wings of freedom into a new bright future, where it will be more and more passionate, interesting, and where love should certainly be. But a month later, both find new partners for themselves. Through friends, Pavel meets a girl who does not even remotely resemble Christina, and it seems to him that this will distract and entertain him, and hurt his ex. After all, photos with a new busty passion appear on Facebook with the regularity of a daily news publication. He really has fun, but he can’t get distracted. A few months later, it turns out that the new girl, whatever one may say, is really not Christina and not ideal at all. However, he almost doesn't care about Christina either. Yes, she lives her own life. In the interim, another victim appears in the story, and Pavel experiences another breakup. Two partings in a short period of time is another test for any psyche.

To be continued. Christina, not having time to enjoy the freedom and loneliness, which, according to her, was very lacking before, also begins a new relationship. It's hard to resist when a new fan floods with flowers, praises, catches every word and wish, tries to please. But after a while, she, just like her ex, understands that, despite beautiful courtship, words and deeds, this is not at all the person who is needed. And since the memories of the breakup are still alive, it is still difficult to believe in a better outcome. Another victim appears, and this time, instead of a feeling of lightness and freedom, Christina gets anxiety, self-doubt and in the future. Doubts are added about the correctness of understanding what she needs, who she needs and what she wants. Life becomes more and more stupid and meaningless, and she begins to consider herself an insensitive monster.

There is no crime in the situation, as they say "people meet, people fall in love, get married." And also disperse, leave, meet others. This is fine. It only took a pause. Any separation requires analysis. Painful or light, long or fast, calm or bordering on the desire to die. It is important to stop, think, draw conclusions. People quite often rush, rather try to start a new relationship after a divorce and hurt themselves and those they are drawn in more. What to do? Go into soul-searching and be sad, looking out the window? Write down your experiences in a notebook, cherish fears, or maybe immediately make an appointment with a psychotherapist?

Put it on pause

The psychotherapist, of course, is the way out, but you can try to go the other way. In one thing, Paul is certainly right: being distracted and having fun is one of the important transitional stages. But it is not necessary to be distracted by a new object. You need to entertain yourself, although it is difficult. After all, moving into the status of a “lone wolf”, you have to learn to entertain yourself on your own. Almost like in a joke about red caviar - you have to force yourself.

Loneliness is a wonderful thing, you just need to know how to properly dispose of it. Being in a relationship, we often lose the pronoun "I" in the pronoun "we" not only at the level of vocabulary. Parting is an occasion to remember that it is “I” who loves and dislikes, without looking back at anyone. Remember what “I” enjoy and understand what I continue to do out of habit. Loneliness is an excuse to take time for yourself. From any beauty routine to abandoned hobbies that you never had time for while you were in a relationship. And then there are relatives, friends, former classmates, classmates and just like-minded people whom you met on the Internet, but could not meet in any way. Active and positive loneliness is useful, and how long it will last: a month, three or a year is up to you. You will enter into a new relationship with a chance not to repeat past mistakes. In addition, when you are self-sufficient and interesting, it increases the likelihood of seeing someone who will be interesting not because he “reminds Vasya” or, conversely, does not look like him at all, but opposites attract. You can open a new chapter in your life without looking back at the past.

Better to do and regret than not to do and regret

Of course, there are exceptions to any rule. Here you are walking down the street all tear-stained and upset, rolling a suitcase on wheels with an unhappy look, thinking about what kind of scoundrel you have been for half an hour already. And here he is! He grabs a suitcase, puts you in the car, holds out a wet napkin with the smell of chamomile, and now “you are in a Tarantino movie in a silver car.” And live happily ever after. This is exactly the story that happened to Olesya. After parting with Igor, the girl did not leave the house for a week. Her condition has already begun to disturb her relatives. Sergey just made a mistake with the apartment, but when he saw Olesya crying, he decided to cheer her up. Practically pulled out to a nearby coffee shop, fed me ice cream and took me for a walk. Sergey Olesya did not feel sorry, did not console, did not try to become her vest. But for the fifth year now they have been together, signed three years ago, and a year ago they had a wonderful baby Alyoshka.

Now it’s irrelevant to find out if Olesya managed to tell Sergey something like “I’m afraid of a new relationship” or at least think about it. Sometimes life throws up romantic plots that are much more twisted and less believable than in the movies. Well, pauses can be short and long, but not always necessarily "MKhAT".

A too long pause is an extreme. At least because it becomes difficult to enter into a new relationship, and the further, the more difficult. It begins to seem that one is easier, freer, and safer. No one will offend, no one will limit, no one needs to adapt to anyone. And less likely to be wrong again. Life passes in pursuit of an invented, non-existent ideal; none of the real men can stand comparison with it. Everyone can hurt, and no one will guarantee that sooner or later a new relationship will not end. The fear of parting becomes prevalent. Fearing to make a mistake, we miss opportunities, in fact limiting ourselves. And if time passes, and you are all cautious, you are left alone and you can’t press the desired button in any way, you should think about where it is and why the mechanism has been idle for so long.

Probably, a real feeling can be frightened off or confused, mixed with other feelings left over from the past. A breakup is always stressful, but how to understand that it is love in a tense situation? It is difficult to evaluate a new connection objectively without comparing it with the one that just ended. The secret is that a new relationship cannot be better or worse. They are different. Feel the difference.

It's always hard after a breakup. The article will discuss how to forget and how not to get into such relationships that you want to forget about, how to build new ones. You will receive specific recommendations, the implementation of which will return your emotional state to normal and open your heart to new feelings.

“I have a problem with my boyfriend, I really want to break up with him. I want to forget him, but I can't. Nervously, I lost my appetite. I recently developed an ulcer. I am very worried, I sleep badly, I cry all the time. I can't control myself, I can't control myself. We already parted with him, then reconciled. Now, here it is again, another quarrel. Every time I am very worried, once I even ended up in the hospital with poisoning. I can't live like this anymore. I want new relationships. I don't want to be with him. But I didn't have feelings for him. I have been offered relationships more than once by other guys, but every time I compare them with him, every time I choose him, I just can’t start a new relationship, he is always in front of my eyes. How do I deal with myself after a breakup? I would like to be with him, but with a different attitude towards me. But it doesn't work the way I want. Therefore, I think that it is better to leave and forget. But I don't get out. I constantly think about him, about how he is, whether he is warmly dressed, whether he went to training, etc. I am completely lost in myself. How can I forget him and start a new relationship with another guy? After a breakup, what should I do?

Let's figure it out.

First, in order to give more specific advice, the information provided in the request is not enough. It is necessary to know the age of the partners, the age of the joint relationship, the reasons for the breakup, the initiator of the breakup, and to clarify some details. It is advisable to deal with this in consultation with a psychologist in order to obtain a quick effective result. Any situation that is somewhat similar to those similar to it always has individual aspects. Therefore, a solution that takes into account both the characteristics of people and the specific circumstances in which these people find themselves is also unique. At the same time, no one cancels the observance of the general rules. On the contrary, knowing and applying them will help to avoid many mistakes.

Secondly, there are two main reasons that after parting it is difficult to forget the old and start building new relationships. The first is the desire to forget everything. The second is the choice not of the one who is needed, but of the one who is available.

As for the first reason. There may be two options here. Either the relationship has already completely outlived itself, and there are no feelings left, except for the desire to get rid of them as soon as possible. And in this case, difficulties arise only with how to say it. But after a conversation and parting, relief comes, the soul becomes light and joyful. Either there is a desire to leave, but it is caused by completely different emotions, as in our example, there are still feelings, but there is also resentment that prevents being together. After parting, in this case, a depressive state often sets in. Advice such as "a wedge is knocked out by a wedge", "everything is for the better" does not help. This happens because you can’t completely forget everything, you can’t delete everything, and also you can’t, as if by magic, take everything and forget it in an instant. If at least some feelings remain, no matter if they are warm feelings or resentment, regret, you must definitely realize what happened, understand the situation and what led to this parting. You need to remember all the good things that happened in these relationships and keep it in your heart. Everything bad is forgotten. Moreover, ease will not come immediately, it takes time, you just need to survive this state, these feelings and emotions, and then over time everything will calm down and complete understanding will come, and new desired relationships will appear.

Now, regarding the second reason, the choice of who is available, not who is needed. They make a choice in favor of someone who is available, either because they themselves do not understand themselves and do not seriously think about what they really want from a relationship; or they believe that they do not deserve better, that it is unrealistic to build relationships with those with whom they would like. In order to minimize the pain of parting and open up to new relationships, as well as to avoid such mistakes when building new relationships, you need to understand yourself a little and dot the i's, so to speak.

So, here's what to do:

• Answer the question: . Take a sheet of paper and write down all the requirements that you put forward to your partner. Write down everything you specifically want from a relationship. Try to describe all the details. Keep in mind that the answers are not so easy to get to. This may take several days or even months. Review this list several times, check it for . And also write down those qualities that you do not accept at all (see articles and). As a result, you should get a real portrait of who you need to look for. And then check real people against this list. The main thing here is not to think out the reality, but simply to get to know the person as much as possible, it is possible to correct your list, and not build a serious relationship with someone who does not meet the requirements of this list.
• Answer the question: “What does my chosen one (my chosen one) want?”. Take a new sheet of paper and write down the requirements that you think your partner would put forward to you. Work with this list for a couple of days. Do you think you have all these qualities? Think about what and how you can change in yourself to fit this list. Then be sure to start taking concrete steps in that direction.
• Allow yourself to be a happy person. To do this, you need to understand that happiness is different for everyone. Basically, everything comes from childhood and in adulthood a person unconsciously reaches for what he has known since childhood. And this does not always coincide with the accepted stereotypes of good relationships. For example, a man may subconsciously want to be controlled because he had no other experience of showing love in childhood. Such a man will feel quite comfortable with a woman who keeps him under control.
• Allow yourself to be happy not only because the other gives you something to feel happy, but also to be happy with yourself. That is, you need to stop being afraid of loneliness if you want to have a good relationship.
• Remember that in order to build the desired relationship, the initial feeling of being in love is not enough. Happy relationships need to be built and constantly invested in (see article).
• In order to build the desired relationship, you need to learn how to build such relationships. You can get such experience by analyzing a large amount of psychological information in this area and testing the knowledge gained in practice. But it is better to seek help from an experienced psychologist, which will save time and minimize errors, which means that the probability of maintaining the relationship you need will increase much.
• Remember that everything changes. And relationships too. Today they are no longer the same as in the days when you first met. And that's okay. You need to learn to be calm about this and understand that drawdowns in relationships are inevitable. You also need to learn how to use these drawdowns in relationships in your favor and for the development of these relationships.