The husband shouts to his wife:
- Honey, do you know where our old saw is?
Mother-in-law from the room:
- It's none of your business where I drank! And in general I'm not old !!!

A man comes home and says to his mother-in-law:
- Mother-in-law, drive for a beer ...
- Here's more, so I, you, for a beer? Never ...
- The store is close, only the first floor will go down from the third. I'll give you a thousand, buy beer, change yours!
The mother-in-law thought, well, the money will not be superfluous, so she went. The son-in-law drank beer, again to his mother-in-law:
- Mother-in-law, drive for vodka ...
- Here's more, so I, you, for vodka? Never ...
- Well, the store is close, only the first floor will go down from the third. I'll give you a thousand, you will buy vodka, the change is yours!
Well, the mother-in-law again thinks that the money is not superfluous and went. The man still calls his mother-in-law before finishing his vodka and says:
- Let me crack a spelled with a slipper!
The mother-in-law again indignantly begins to shout something, but her exclamations calm down when the son-in-law offers 2 thousand. Well, that means it’s cracked, the mother-in-law ran off to the kitchen to count the money, and suddenly a call. A man picks up the phone, and there his wife asks:
- Did you give your mom a pension?
The man answers:
- Yes, I give it back slowly.

Two neighbors smoke on the landing. One to the other:
- Listen, Vitek, why are you so battered and battered ?!
- Yes, you know, damn it ... They attacked, beat and took all the money ...
- Do you even remember their faces?
- Yes, what is there to remember: wife and mother-in-law?

Husband to wife:
- Your mother, it turns out, left for Africa?
- Why do you think so?
- Well, how, in the news they said: - "Anthrax was found in Africa ..."

A satisfied man comes to the editorial office of a newspaper and says:
- I want to post an ad that my mother-in-law has died.
- Good. What will the text be?
- "Kulikova Nina Vasilievna has died."
- Sorry, but our ad must contain at least 10 words.
- Well, okay, write: "Kulikova Nina Vasilievna has died, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha!"

The guard comes home in the morning after shift, undresses, washes, sits down to have breakfast. The mother-in-law enters the kitchen with a magazine:
- Capital of Angola, six letters.
The son-in-law from all over the swing hits the table, a cup of tea falls to the floor and shatters into pieces:
- I can, at least at home, for at least five minutes not think about work, eh ?!

The mother-in-law asks the son-in-law:
- Did you see the man who saved me when I was drowning?
- Yes, he already came to me to apologize.

The wife runs home:
- My mom was hit by a bus!
Husband:
- Darling, you see, my lips are chapped, and it's hard for me to smile.

Dear citizens, seismologists, is it possible to report large earthquakes in advance? My mother-in-law has not rested anywhere for a long time.

A man comes from hunting, throws a bunch of hedgehogs on the table and says to his wife:
- Here, I shot the hedgehogs. On your collar! Mother-in-law on the insoles!

Pages: 8

In the kitchen, the mother-in-law is making dumplings. A small kitten comes up to her and asks her for meat:
- Meow meow!
His mother-in-law kicks him away:
- Leave me alone!
The kitten comes up again and asks for meat again
- Go away! - the mother-in-law shouts, pushing her foot away.
The cat is back for his own. His mother-in-law, angry, kicks him away.
The son-in-law enters the kitchen. Mother-in-law:
- Sit down, beloved son-in-law, I made a dumpling for you!
The son-in-law sits down at the table, the mother-in-law gives him dumplings. A kitten comes up to the son-in-law and asks for a dumpling with its paw:
- Meow meow!
Son-in-law:
- On, my dear, eat the dumplings!
The kitten happily eats a dumpling and falls dead on the floor.
Mother-in-law's son-in-law:
- Oh you...!!! Are you planning to poison me? !!!
And how will the mother-in-law give that she flew into the corner.
- Yеs !!! - the kitten thought, opening his eyes.

So a man comes home and says to his mother-in-law:
- Mother-in-law, drive for a beer ...
- Here's more, so I, you, for a beer? Never ...
- The shop is close, only he will go down to the first floor from the third. I'll give you a thousand, buy beer, change yours!
The mother-in-law thought, well, the money will not be superfluous, so she went. The son-in-law drank beer, again to his mother-in-law:
- Mother-in-law, drive for vodka ...
- Here's more, so I, you, for vodka? Never ...
The store is close, only the first floor will go down from the third. I'll give you a thousand, you will buy vodka, the change is yours!
Well, the mother-in-law again thinks that the money is not superfluous and went ...
The man still calls his mother-in-law before finishing his vodka and says:
- Let me crack a spelled with a slipper!
- The mother-in-law again begins to shout something indignantly, but her exclamations calm down when the son-in-law offers 2 thousand ...
Well, that means it cracked, the mother-in-law ran off to the kitchen to count the money, and suddenly a call ...
A man picks up the phone, and there his wife asks:
- Did you give your mom a pension? the man answers:
- Yes, I give it back slowly ...

In the kitchen, the mother-in-law is making dumplings. A little kitten comes up to her and asks her for meat: "Meow, meow!" His mother-in-law kicks him away: "Leave me alone!"
The kitten comes up again and asks for meat: "Meow, meow!" His mother-in-law kicks him again: "Get out!" He comes up again and asks for meat: "Meow, meow!" the mother-in-law again, angrily kicks him off.

The son-in-law enters the kitchen. Mother-in-law: "Sit down, beloved son-in-law, I made you a dumpling!" The son-in-law sits down at the table, the mother-in-law gives him dumplings. A kitten comes up to the son-in-law and asks a dumpling with its paw: "Meow, meow!" Son-in-law: "Oh, my dear, eat the dumplings!" The kitten happily eats a dumpling and falls dead on the floor.

Son-in-law mother-in-law: "Oh, you .....! You decided to poison me? !!!" And as the mother-in-law gives, she flew into the corner. Here a kitten, opening one eye: "Yes !!!"

Barber: The girl cuts the guy's hair and asks:
- Do you have a mother-in-law?
- No ... I have no mother-in-law .... pause...
Asks again:
- Do you have a mother-in-law?
- I said, ugh ugh, no, pause ...
Asks again:
- Do you have a mother-in-law?
- Well, no, why are you sticking?
- And it's easier for me to cut this way ... As I ask about your mother-in-law, your hair stands on end!

And his mother-in-law:
- Call it mom, I'll pull it out.
The man was tormented, he was tormented - his tongue does not turn to call his mother-in-law a mother. She was offended, turned around and left. The man shouted, swore, there was nothing to do, he somehow got out himself, got all ripped off, broke his nails, angry as the devil. He jumped out of the well, ran into the house - and got a gun. Mother-in-law saw and ran into the corn to hide. Her son-in-law crawls along corn after her and lovingly like this:
- Mamuulyaya, where are you?

A man climbed to clean the well. He cleaned it, calls on his mother-in-law to throw the rope to him and pull him out of the well.
And his mother-in-law:
- Call it mom, I'll pull it out.
- Mamuulyaya, where are you?

A man climbed to clean the well. He cleaned it, calls on his mother-in-law to throw the rope to him and pull him out of the well.
And his mother-in-law:
- Call it mom, I'll pull it out.
The man was tormented, he was tormented - his tongue does not turn to call his mother-in-law a mother. She was offended, turned around and left. The peasant shouted, swore, there was nothing to do, he somehow got out himself, got all ripped off, broke his nails, angry as the devil. He jumped out of the well, ran into the house - and got a gun. Mother-in-law saw and ran into the corn to hide. Her son-in-law crawls along corn after her and lovingly like this:
- Mamuulyaya, where are you?

The son-in-law says to the mother-in-law: Mother-in-law, drive me for cigarettes! I give a thousand. The change is yours. The mother-in-law ran. The son-in-law calls again. Mother-in-law, drive me for a beer! I give five thousand, Change - to you. Mother-in-law - run to the store. The phone rings, the wife says: Honey, did you give Mom a pension? Husband: I give it slowly ...

Once the mother-in-law decided to check whether she loved her.
Comes to the elder son-in-law. She throws herself into a pond near his house and yells "Save me! I'm drowning!" The room was blown up, ran out of the house, saved the mother-in-law. The next day he wakes up, at the door there is a Zhiguli with the inscription "To my beloved son-in-law from my beloved mother-in-law."
The mother-in-law went to the middle son-in-law ... The same thing.
The mother-in-law went to the younger son-in-law, rushed into the pond. Shouts "Drowning! Drowning". The son-in-law laughed and went to bed. Wakes up, goes out into the street and sees a brand new mayors with the inscription "To my beloved son-in-law from my beloved father-in-law."

Husband and wife are making love. Suddenly the doorbell rings. The mother-in-law has arrived. The three of them are sitting at the table, drinking tea.
Mother-in-law: - What are you son-in-law not cheerful! ! How do you feel?
Son-in-law: - Like a rabbit!
Mother-in-law: - Why?
Son-in-law: - Because they were torn away from what they loved and forced to look at the boa constrictor !!!

The son-in-law calls his mother-in-law from the hospital:
- Mom, we have twins!
The mother-in-law did not hear and says:
- Could you repeat?
- Mom, well, where do we have so many!

At the trial, the boxer is asked:
- Why did you beat your mother-in-law?
- So, I come from training.
Mother-in-law meets me. And then I see: it opens to the left ...

Mother-in-law ordered to buy laxative tea for her:
- But there must be three ballerinas in the picture on the box! The son-in-law scoured the shelves in the store. No, damn it with three, but the mother-in-law nafig went with her whims! I took a box with 2 ballerinas on it.
Mother-in-law at home:
- I said that laxative tea with three ballerinas, and here are two !!!
- Mom, one ballerina has already gone to see:

A man calls his mother-in-law:
- Take your daughter with you! We only lived with her for a month, but I can't!
Mother-in-law:
- Sorry, son-in-law, after 14 days, the manufacturer does not accept returns ...

The son-in-law meets the mother-in-law at the station, enters the compartment and asks:
- Mom, are you staying with us for a long time?
- Until we get bored, the mother-in-law answers.
- That you won't even leave the compartment?

The mother-in-law came to visit the newlyweds. Everyone is sitting at the table, having supper. A clock hangs over the mother-in-law. The mother-in-law ate and went to wash her hands.
As soon as she is gone - the clock falls. Husband in an indignant voice:
- Here, b %%% b, they are always late

My mother-in-law always grumbles when I drink beer, what would you choose, mother-in-law or beer?
- Everything is good when it is cold on the table!

Husband made a wish on New Year desire for the wife to become economical, and the mother-in-law - smart. After the chimes struck, the wife turned off the TV, blew out the candles, removed the cognac from the table, and the mother-in-law began to tell the details of the Russian-Turkish war of 1877 ...

Mother-in-law comes to the young. Looks at the gas stove and says:
- Here is my daughter, what a cleanliness! The stove shines already!
Son-in-law:
- Yes, mom, there is such wisdom: cleanly, not where they clean, but where they don’t crap!
Mother-in-law:
- Did not understand...
Son-in-law:
- Yes, your daughter does not cook a dick !!!

The friend's mother-in-law bought a goat at the market. On the first day, the goat gave a liter of milk, on the second day - even less, and on the third day she didn't give a damn. The mother-in-law was worried and took her to the vet. The vet examined the goat and says:
- The goat, of course, is very fucked up, but he will live !!!

Defendant, why did you strangle your mother-in-law?
“I’m tired of it, Your Honor!”
- So is this a reason to kill a person ?! Here, for example, my mother-in-law is already such a creature, a bastard, a bitch, a brute, an idiot, a hag, a nit, a nonentity ... in short, a conditional year!

Boxing coach:
- Petrov, they complained about you, why did you put a black eye on your mother-in-law?
- Ivan Stepanich, I came home, my mother-in-law met me, took off my shoes, handed me slippers, invited me to the kitchen, the table was set, she smeared my bread with butter, and then suddenly it opened on the left ...

One-room apartment. Husband and wife are on the couch. Mother-in-law is next to her on a cot.
Husband sticks to wife:
- Come on. Come on!
- Inconvenient, mom will hear.
- Come on. Come on!
A rhythmic creak is heard. After a while, the wife's cry: "Oh, mom!"
- What, daughter?
- Buy bread tomorrow.
Mother-in-law to herself: "Here is a gluttonous son-in-law! Sixth loaf of bread per night."

An angry husband sends a text message to his mother-in-law:
"Your product (daughter) doesn't cook normal food! Doesn't clean the apartment! Doesn't wash or iron my shirts!"
The mother-in-law answers:
"The choice was made by you personally! The product is sold, the warranty has expired, the manufacturer does not bear responsibility! P.S .: The program may crash, try to twist your key where necessary, if you can't do it yourself, hire a master!"

Son-in-law (Z) coming home - drunk in a shotgun! His mother-in-law meets:
- Oh, you drunken cattle, I'm the mistress of the house here, I hunchback at all of you, and you don’t respect me !!!
Son-in-law with all the foolishness slapped her face - only her legs flashed in the air! He went out to smoke - look - the druzhban (D) is coming!
Z: -Come to me - we will skip a sotochku!
D: -No question.
Enter the kitchen:
D: -And what is your mother-in-law under the table?
Z: -Well, I don't know, she is the mistress of the house - wherever she wants, she lies there.

The mother-in-law sends her son-in-law to the grocery store. He asks to choose vegetables for the salad conscientiously. So that they are clean, without nitrates.
The son-in-law went to a store known for the highest quality vegetables. Having filled the packages, I decided to check with the saleswoman:
- Tell me, are these vegetables without nitrates and without any toxic substances? I’ll carry them.
Saleswoman:
- Without ... This for you, young man, you yourself need to put.

Lost mother-in-law. Returned - I will kill.

Who is the mother-in-law?
- Her mother ...

Who is the mother-in-law?
- Her mother ...

The mother-in-law decided to check which of the sons-in-law loves her more: she jumped into the well and shouts:
- Save me, I'm drowning.
The elder son-in-law ran up and pulled her out, in the morning the Volga wakes up - a gift from his mother-in-law. The average son-in-law is the same only a gift - a motorcycle.
The turn of the younger brother came, the mother-in-law began to drown. The younger son-in-law runs up and thinks to himself:
- She gave the elder one a Volga, the middle one a motorcycle, and what a scooter to me ?!
He took and drowned her, wakes up in the morning, looks, there is a Mercedes - a gift from his father-in-law to his best son-in-law.

The cop has returned from Chechnya, the holiday is at home - the wife is chirping, the mother-in-law is on the table, pouring vodka ... they sit for an hour, two sit, three sit, the wife is already tired and has gone to work with the children, the mother-in-law is already hinting that it’s time and honor to know, and between the cop and his father-in-law, only the most male conversations went:
Father-in-law - I've brought a trophy from the war Schmeiser, but what are you doing?
Cop - And I "Fly"
T. - And what is this trouble?
The man takes out a grenade launcher.
T. - Wow, what the hell are you doing? How does it shoot?
M. - Let me show you ...
They open the window to the courtyard.
M. - No, it's not that interesting - the goal is needed.
T. - You see the toilet, imagine that these are militants driving a UAZ.
M. - yeah
Aims. Tres - velvet into chips.
Father-in-law is delighted - In the whole thing !!!
They rolled, then again and again ... The cop looks around the hut with a dull eye:
- And where did the mother-in-law go?
Father-in-law:
- And it was not dumb with the militants to ride a UAZ ...

Anecdotes about the mother-in-law and her frankly uneasy relationship with her son-in-law are undoubted "classics of the genre", capable of appealing to lovers of jokes of any gender and age. In our selection, we present the top ten funniest anecdotes about mother-in-law.

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1. - Dad, and the witch does not exist?
Father, looking at his mother-in-law:
- When I was little, I thought so too.

***

2. - And I always take my mother-in-law's photo with me on a hike ...
- Why?
- Well, how ?! Thunder, lightning, downpour, cold, dirt, mosquitoes bite, and I look at the card and think: God, it's good how!

***

3. At a psychiatrist's appointment.
- Doctor, every night I see in the same nightmare my mother-in-law, walking a huge crocodile on a leash. Imagine those yellow grinning teeth, narrowed eyes and this gaze blazing with hatred!
- Indeed, it is scary.
- What's that, I'll tell you about the crocodile now!

***

4. My mother-in-law Eleonora Fyodorovna gave me alpine skis and all the equipment ... no one wanted to get rid of me so exquisitely!

***

5. Mother-in-law talks to her son-in-law:
- Not that young people went, not that ... They don't go to the graves of loved ones for years, well, where have you seen it!
“Just don’t generalize, Mom. I will go to your grave once a month. I will strengthen the fence, paint it up, wash the monument to a shine, lay a bouquet, plant seedlings, remember. You just keep your word.

***

6. The mother-in-law had three sons-in-law. And she decided one day to check how they respect and love her. She goes for a walk with her elder son-in-law. They come up to the pond. She goes for a swim and begins to drown. He jumps into the water and saves her. The next day he wakes up and sees a Volga car near his house with a note: "To his beloved son-in-law from his mother-in-law." Comes with an average. The same story. She drowns, he saves. The next day, the average son-in-law wakes up and sees a Zhiguli car with a note “To his beloved son-in-law from his mother-in-law” near his house. Goes with the younger. He starts to sink, and he thinks: "Since the elder got the Volga, the middle Zhiguli, then I get a Zaporozhets or something? No, I won't save her." Leaves and mother-in-law drowned. The next day, the younger son-in-law wakes up and sees a Mercedes car with a note “To his beloved son-in-law from his father-in-law” near his house.

***

7. Conversation between son and father at the station.
Son:
- Dad, and dad, does grandmother come by this train?
Daddy:
- Exactly, exactly! Let's not be distracted, unscrew the nuts soon!

***

8. I sent my mother-in-law on a cruise on the "Chapaev" motor ship.
Not Titanic, of course - but there is hope.

***

9. The mother-in-law asks the son-in-law:

Did you see the man who saved me when I was drowning?

Yes, he already came to me to apologize.

***

10. The son-in-law comes from the hospital and says to the mother-in-law:
- Spit on my back.
- What you! - The mother-in-law was frightened.
- Spit, I say! The doctor prescribed it to be rubbed with snake venom.

The relationship between mother-in-law and son-in-law is often the subject of jokes and the subject of anecdotes. Funny situations between a mother-in-law and a son-in-law in life happen very often and folklore did not pass by here. Jokes about mother-in-law and son-in-law are usually very funny and we have collected new jokes about mother-in-law and son-in-law for you. Read and get positive charge.

Funny jokes about mother-in-law and son-in-law

Nothing pisses off a mother-in-law like everything.

Mother-in-law ordered to buy laxative tea for her:
- But there must be three ballerinas in the picture on the box! The son-in-law scoured the shelves in the store. No, damn it with three, but the mother-in-law nafig went with her whims! I took a box with 2 ballerinas on it.
Mother-in-law at home:
- I said that laxative tea with three ballerinas, and here are two !!!
- Mom, one ballerina has already gone Wed @ th!

An angry husband sends a text message to his mother-in-law:
“Your product (daughter) does not cook normal food! Doesn't clean the apartment! Doesn't wash or iron my shirts! "
The mother-in-law answers:
“The choice is made by you personally! The product is sold, the warranty has expired, the manufacturer is not responsible!
P.S.

The phone rings in the apartment. The son-in-law picks up the phone and hears:
- Your mother-in-law fell into the crocodile pool!
The son-in-law muttered with displeasure:
- Your crocodiles, you and save them!

Odessa courtyard. Late evening. It is pouring rain and stormy wind in the yard. A knock on the door. Abram opens and sees his mother-in-law outside the door: “Rosa Moisevna, are you still doing sho Vi on the street in this weather ?! Go home!"

The son-in-law and mother-in-law are sitting in the kitchen and eating dumplings. The son-in-law will take one, the mother-in-law - three. Son-in-law three, mother-in-law - five. They ate like that, ate, there was only one last dumpling left, his mother-in-law grabbed him, fell asleep in her mouth and fumbled.
- Oh, he says - son-in-law, clap!
The son-in-law applauded - "Bravo, mom, bravo!"

At the funeral, a goat follows the coffin, followed by a long line of people.
Passer-by: - ​​Who is it being buried?
“My mother-in-law,” a man in a black suit explains.
“What did she die of?” - the passer-by became interested.
- Yes, this same goat gored her to death.
“Listen, let me rent a goat for a day,” a passerby begged.
- Can't you see what the queue is for him?

On his son-in-law's birthday, the mother-in-law gives him two ties. To please his "beloved" mother-in-law, he immediately puts on one of them. Mother-in-law with a deep resentment in her voice: "Is this what you didn't like the other?"

Funny jokes about mother-in-law and son-in-law

The mother says to her daughter before the wedding:
- You should never open up completely in front of your husband. Understand that a woman must have a mystery, a secret, some kind of secret ...
- For instance?
- Well, for example, never completely naked in front of him, even if something is at least a little, but it will be hidden. This inflames a man.
Some time after the wedding, the son-in-law calls the mother-in-law:
- Listen, mom, was it okay for everyone in your family with the psyche?
- Yes, why?
- Nothing, of course, only your daughter has been going to bed in a hat for a week.

Both are to blame for the separation of families, and I believe that the wine is distributed equally: 50% - wife, 50% - mother-in-law!

- Grandma, is the blood delicious?
- But how should I know, child?
- Dad said that you drank all his blood.
- Your dad has no brains!
- Certainly… . you ate his brains in the summer

Son-in-law, could you take me to the post office?
- With joy, mom! Where should I send you?

Mother-in-law fumbles at the car in front of the house. Son-in-law from the window:
- Mom, where are you going?
- To the cemetery, son.
- And who will drive the car home later?

New wedding ceremony appeared recently in Russia. Now, instead of the bride at the wedding, they steal the mother-in-law. The first experiment carried out on last week in the city of Gluzovo, it went well - the mother-in-law was never found.

Semyon, where is your mother-in-law?
- At the cemetery.
- You're lucky.
- Nothing is lucky. He will paint the fence and return.

Funny jokes about mother-in-law to tears

The cop has returned from Chechnya, the holiday is at home - the wife is chirping, the mother-in-law is on the table, pouring vodka ... they sit for an hour, two sit, three sit, the wife is already tired and has gone to take care of the children, the mother-in-law is already hinting that it’s time and honor to know, and the cop with the father-in-law, only the most male conversations went:
Father-in-law - I've brought a trophy from the war Schmeiser, but what are you doing?
Cop - And I "Fly"
T. - And what is this trouble?
The man takes out a grenade launcher.
T. - Wow, what the hell are you doing? How does it shoot?
M. - Let me show you ...
They open the window to the courtyard.
M. - No, it's not so interesting - the goal is needed.
T. - You see the toilet, imagine that these are militants driving a UAZ.
M. - yeah
Aims. Tres - velvet into chips.
Father-in-law is delighted - In the whole thing !!!
They rolled it over, then again and again ... The cop looks around the hut with a dull eye:
- Where did the mother-in-law go?
Father-in-law:
- And neh @ th it was with the militants to ride a UAZ ...

What part of your work for your mother-in-law?
- Medical.
- A therapist?
- A leech!

Mother-in-law to son-in-law:
- Son, when I die, do not bury me, but burn me ... And scatter the ashes here, in the yard.
Son-in-law:
- No, mom, just a little breeze, and you're back in the house!

Lucy, where are my blue jeans?
- So I gave them to a neighbor.
- Why!?
“You didn't like them anyway.
- Come on, Lucy, then we will give your mother to your neighbor.

The son-in-law came to visit the mother-in-law. She set the table, sat him down and said:
- Son, my tap is leaking here ...
- So what?
- And the wallpaper is moving away from the walls ...
- So what?
- And the ceiling should be whitewashed ...
- Mom, speak directly what you need! - the son-in-law could not resist.
- So, son-in-law, you would help me, you would fix everything ...
- Mum! - the man slammed his fist on the table.
- And this is all I need, or what? It's not mine!
Mother-in-law grieved and the next day she took and rewrote her apartment to her son-in-law. He again came to visit, mother-in-law sarcastically:
- And why are you, son-in-law, for repairs, then not taken? Look, the wallpaper is unstuck, the faucet is leaking, the ceiling is terrible ...
- So, mom! Do you need it? Why are you so worried? It's not yours now!

Anecdotes about Mother-in-law are funny to tears

- Defendant, why did you strangle your mother-in-law?
“I’m tired of it, Your Honor!”
- So is this a reason to kill a person? Here, for example, my mother-in-law is already such a creature, a bastard, a bitch, a brute, an idiot, a hag, a nit, a nonentity ... in short, a conditional year!

***

One buddy tell another:
- And I always give my mother-in-law an even number of flowers.
- How much is this?
- Zero.

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- Dad, we were given the Russian case. Say goodbye to mother-in-law.
Dad:
- Snake!
- Beast!
- You bastard!
- Nit!
- Bitch!

***

Super-wet: throw away the toothbrush, which I used to brush my teeth for six months, and hear from my mother-in-law * and no one has seen my brush?

***

He wanted to improve relations with his mother-in-law and decided to order a beautiful fashion dress, but, as luck would have it, she woke up just at the moment when he measured her with a tape measure ...

***

Two musicians are talking:
- I heard you recently got married?
- Yes.
- Well, how is your wife?
- Every day he arranges concerts.
- And the mother-in-law?
- Mother-in-law at her opening act.

Once a programmer bought himself a car. Well, I decided to celebrate with my whole family and my mother-in-law to go to the forest, to a picnic ... They were going - then the car suddenly stalled. What to do? He dropped off his wife - did not start the car, dropped off the children - the same thing, dropped off his mother-in-law - did not start, pulled out all the things ... And ... the car started up.
The wife happily asks:
- Petenka, sweetheart - what have you done ?!
- I don’t know ... RELOADED!

***

Why are you smiling? You bumped a wheelbarrow yesterday.
- Yeah. - The bumper is crumpled. - Yeah. - Broken glass. - Yeah. - Mother-in-law still hit her head.
- In-oh-from.

***

We are going with our mother-in-law from the South cemetery. Traffic cops stop at the traffic police post.
Documents and all that ... And the question:
- Why isn't the passenger wearing a seatbelt?
Not knowing what to answer, I say:
- And this is the mother-in-law!
The traffic cop, without thinking twice, returns the documents to me and says:
- Bon Voyage!..

***

Shower. A knock on the door. The man opens, and there the mother-in-law is standing. He says to her: - What are you doing on the street in such weather? Go home!!!

***

The son is leaving for the summer to his grandmother. I will urgently buy him a vuvuzela - let the mother-in-law be happy!

***

The mother-in-law came to visit and she and her daughter locked themselves in the kitchen. The son-in-law is sitting, watching TV. Here his little son comes up to him:
- Dad, how did I appear?
- The stork brought you.
- And you?
- And the stork brought me.
- And mom?
- And mom.
- And your grandmother?
- No, the devil brought grandma.

***

Dad, dad! Why is our grandmother running like that - in zigzags?
- To whom is the grandmother, and to whom - the mother-in-law!
Move away, don't bother aiming!

***

- How can you constantly quarrel with your wife and at the same time respect your mother-in-law?
- Once it was she who was resolutely against our marriage ...

***

Imagine - mother-in-law - s..ka, my wife entered the karate section!
- So how is it?
- Engaged in ...
- And you?
- What about me? He began to cook much better, clean the apartment, loved to wash and iron ...

***

Dear mother-in-law!
Please do not try to teach me how to raise my children. I am married to one of your daughters, and believe me, the results of your upbringing are also far from perfect. Best wishes.

Your son-in-law.

***

A man climbed to clean the well. I cleaned it, calls my mother-in-law to throw the rope to him and pull it out of the well.
And his mother-in-law:
- Call it mom - I'll pull it out.
The man was tormented, he was tormented - his tongue does not turn to call his mother-in-law a mother. She was offended, turned around and left. The peasant shouted, swore, there was nothing to do, he somehow got out, got all ripped off, broke his nails, angry as the devil. He jumped out of the well, ran into the house - and got a gun. Mother-in-law saw and ran into the corn to hide. Her son-in-law crawls through corn after her and lovingly like this:
-Maaamo, where are you?

***

If your mother-in-law complains that she hasn't squatted for the whole day, advise her to squat.

***

At night he came home drunk, quietly undressed, went to bed, hugged his wife and suddenly his mother-in-law's voice: "Lucy is in the other room!" I’ve never sober up so quickly.

***

The husband says to his wife:
- Well, I don’t know, let's give your mother as much money as she was.
- Wow! What, will we give 50 thousand straight?
- And what, she just turned 50 thousand ?!

***

tro. Doorbell. Sleepy husband opens. On the doorstep - a mother-in-law who came from the station with two suitcases. A dumb scene. Then the husband turns around and shouts into the room:
- Zin, get up, help with the suitcases. Here mom leaves!

***

Give the most beautiful rose.
- The girl?
- It's my mother-in-law's birthday.
- And what is so modest?
- Really. Give two.

Our mother-in-law is a master of the techniques of inflicting preliminary threats to strengthen the main attack. For example, first: "Here, I'll leave you ...", then a pause and: "Don't wait!"

***

You have too good mood? Call your mother-in-law!

***

Announcement on the fence: "A young family without children will urgently rent a 1-room apartment. We guarantee order, cleanliness and timely payment." At the bottom there is a postscript: "People, save me from my mother-in-law!"

***

Vasya! Our cat pooped in his slippers !!!
- What?! Oh, you disgusting brute! I'll kill you, fuck!
- Yes, not yours! To mom's!
- Oh, give him sour cream!

***

A man comes with his mother-in-law to the DOSAAF shooting range, and the instructor says to him: - Sorry, but we can't do it with our targets.

***

The man got ready for his mother-in-law's birthday. I thought for a long time what to buy her as a gift - I bought gold earrings and a gun. At home, his wife looked at him and said: - Well, earrings - any woman will like it, especially gold. Well, why a gun? - And a gun to make holes in your ears!

***

Hello, mother-in-law! I haven't seen you for so long ... But, as they say, all good things come to an end.

***

At the funeral, a goat follows the coffin, followed by a long line of people. Passer-by: - ​​Who is it being buried? “My mother-in-law,” a man in a black suit explains. “What did she die of?” - the passer-by became interested. - Yes, this same goat gored her to death. “Listen, let me rent a goat for a day,” a passerby begged. - Can't you see what the queue is for him?

The son-in-law is sitting in the kitchen, having supper. The mother-in-law enters, takes a broom, begins to walk around the kitchen. Son-in-law: - You mamma, are you going to sweep, or will you fly where?

***

Why is he so pleased?
- Mother-in-law gave a carbon fiber spinning rod for the 23rd.
- So she hates you !?
- And I spent several days gundos: I hate carbon fiber spinning rods! God forbid someone will give a carbon fiber spinning rod! ..

***

My mother-in-law looks after my children every Saturday ... and in return I look after her daughter every day.

***

A man flies into the dry cleaner. - Do you remove greasy stains from the sofa? - Of course we do! - Here's the money! Here is the address! A greasy stain on the couch - their name is Claudia Petrovna!

***

Mother-in-law to be afraid - not f ... Xia with his wife.

***

Before getting married, a man should carefully consider all the advantages and disadvantages of the chosen one. It is important that she be an intelligent, kind, understanding woman. No bad habits, preferably with a sense of humor, not greedy, but even better generous. And only after weighing all the pros and cons of the future mother-in-law, proceed to assessing the potential wife.

***

The wife, on pain of divorce, forbade her husband to call his mother-in-law a snake. The husband stopped. Now, upon arrival, the mother-in-law gives out: "Mom crawled."

***

Dear citizens, seismologists, is it possible to report large earthquakes in advance? My mother-in-law has not rested anywhere for a long time.

***

Well, son-in-law, happy holiday to you?
- What other holiday is this, mom?
- Yes, now, we urgently need to leave ...

***

A man comes to a department store and sees this picture: another customer shouts:
- What it is! I bought a sausage here, and my mother-in-law poisoned her!
Man:
- You, better than to arrange a scandal, I would have told in which department you bought this sausage!

***

The grandfather on the bus addresses the young passenger:
- Son, shame on you, give way to that grandmother!
- This is my mother-in-law.
- So give her a bag of potatoes, do not keep it on your knees, you are uncomfortable!

***

The cop comes home early in the morning, all in lipstick, a tie on the side, a fly unbuttoned. The wife asks:
- Where have you been? Cop:
- Believe it or not, I sat in ambush all night.
And then the mother-in-law leans out from behind the door:
- So how is it? Planted?

***

I want my mother-in-law to become a Snow Maiden.
- Well, you are a romantic!
- No, I will just see her no more than once a year.

***

At the bazaar, granny sells apples, and on them the sign "Chernobyl". Corr.
- Probably no one buys them from you?
Granny
- What are you - some for the wife, some for the mother-in-law!

***

The men are talking on the hike:
- Why are you taking a photo of your mother-in-law with you?
- Well, you see: mud, rain, cold. How will I look at her
- Lord, how good it is here!

***

A passer-by, seeing the funeral procession, joins the man carrying the coffin, takes off his hat and asks: P: - Whom are we bury? M: - Mother-in-law ... P: - And why are you carrying the coffin sideways? M: - And when we turn it over on our back, it starts snoring.

***

From the reports: - Yesterday the rifle gr. Sidorov suddenly fired. Mother-in-law gr. Sidorova dodged the shot, but was hit on the back with a butt.

***

I was lucky with my wife! Clever, beautiful, knows how to cook! But there is a fly in the ointment in a barrel of honey ...
- ?
- Harmful mother-in-law!
- My situation is much worse. Let's just say: my wife doesn’t pull more than a spoonful of honey, and she doesn’t make the weather in a barrel of tar!

***

Both are to blame for the separation of families, and I believe that the wine is distributed equally: 50% - wife, 50% - mother-in-law!

***

Mother-in-law, returning from the sanatorium: - A snake bit me there. The doctors barely managed to pump it out. Son-in-law: - Mom, I told you that you have to go to the boarding house, not to the sanatorium. - There are no snakes? “There are no doctors there.

***

The airport. Two mechanics stand at the runway and watch the plane take off. To one another: - Well, did you serve this plane normally? The second, twirling the oil filter in his hands: - Are you kidding me ?! My mother-in-law is flying there ...

***

The mother-in-law came to visit the newlyweds. Everyone is sitting at the table, having supper. A clock hangs over the mother-in-law. The mother-in-law ate and went to wash her hands. As soon as she is gone - the clock falls. Husband in an indignant voice:
- Here, f * ck, they are always late.

***

On Saturday at about 7 am, someone rang my doorbell. Half asleep, I went to open the door. It was my mother-in-law. She asked: - Can I stay here for a week? - Certainly! - I answered and immediately closed the door.

***

Mother-in-law sits in a chair and strokes her Rottweiler.
Seeing his son-in-law, he commands the dog:
- Son-in-law !!!

***

Mother-in-law is absolutely sure that horizontal striped clothes make you look fat, and vertical ones make you thin. Introduced her into confusion - bought it in a cage.

***

The son-in-law with his mother-in-law lie looking at the starry sky, making wishes. The son-in-law made a decision, but the mother-in-law did not succeed ...

***

The mother-in-law came to visit ... The dejected son-in-law goes to his son:
“Do you remember when you wanted a drum last year, and a trombone the year before?
So - tomorrow we will buy both! ..

***

Dear, look, they are writing about the crisis, salaries are falling, bonuses are being cut ...
- In! And your mother is still trying to find a job, look for a job! What a fool!