In family relationships there can be anything - tears, screams, laughter, joy, as they say, in sorrow and in joy until the end of days. But what to do when there are more negative emotions, and constant quarrels destroy marital ties.

Causes of quarrels

Yes, there are no quarrels in the family, but the nature of such relationships can be different - minor trifles, serious contradictions. Misunderstanding can arise in any area - raising children, material wealth, sexual relationships, jealousy, interference from friends, parents, etc.

Psychologists divide the reasons into 2 large categories:

1. Household troubles;
2. Differences in temperaments and views.

There are significant statements from the wife or husband, and sometimes the situation requires reflection - why he (she) behaves this way, maybe problems at work, infidelity, health problems. How to resolve this situation?

What to do to get rid of quarrels in the family?

You will need to be patient to find out the true reason for this behavior of your significant other. Of course, it is best to discuss this face to face, talking about your experiences, frustrations, and problems.

It is important that scandals do not become a habit, a certain pattern of behavior, without which the family will no longer be able to exist. One turns into a teacher, and the other into a careless student.

A quarrel with a husband can arise because of the mother-in-law, in this case you need to get used to the idea that the wife will have to share her husband with his mother, it is important to make compromises and not quarrel with her loved one because of this.

Important! If your mother-in-law deliberately interferes in your life and sets up tricky situations, then you should discuss this situation with your husband without raising your voice.

A wife may be annoyed by her husband’s laziness, who lies on the couch for a long time without helping with household chores. But he works hard and brings financial resources to the family, and therefore wants to relax on his day off.

To avoid quarrels, you need to have a heart-to-heart talk, express your complaints to your wife, and strictly indicate to your husband the time when he can help his wife. And everyone needs to rest in order to restore lost energy and health.

Spouses quarrel for a specific purpose:

• Prove your superiority;
• Make your partner change their point of view;
• Break off family relationships.

Often the birth of a child puts parents into a prolonged stressful situation, in which case it lies in a change in the family structure - new responsibilities, little free time, new expenses, distribution of roles - mom and dad, housewife and breadwinner.

Attention! To reduce them to a minimum, you need to be more tolerant of each other, recognize yourself as parents and enjoy your tiny child, relegating everyday troubles to the background.

How to avoid quarrels in the family?

One of the main causes of conflicts in the family is misunderstanding of each other, and in this case it is important not to raise your voice, but to try to find an answer to a disturbing question - think personally, talk with your companion, listen to the opinions of others (children, parents, friends).

If there are everyday quarrels in the family, then you need to make a list of the personal affairs of each spouse and discuss them down to the smallest detail. Approach the issue of material expenditures in the same way, where they are planned, for what purpose, in what quantities.

Methods for overcoming quarrels:

• Choose a time and place for conversation (rest in the park, dinner);
• When discussing an issue, uttering words worries us; we have reached a dead end, not turning the arrow on only one opponent;
• Listen to each other carefully, without interrupting, until everyone expresses their point of view;
• Discuss options for solving the problem;
• Conclude an agreement by personally voicing everyone’s position.

It often happens that the cause of conflicts is temporary fatigue from each other, when spouses are always together. He can take a short vacation, go on a trip, create a personal space where he can fulfill his needs.

Psychologists advise you to go home from work on a positive note, despite what is going on in your soul. It is not the family’s fault that there is a grumpy boss at work or that some disagreements have arisen in the team.

It’s enough to say a kind word, smile, take a contrast shower, it will relieve tension with your hand, and if serious problems really arise, then discuss them with your significant other and make a constructive decision.

Attention! To avoid disappointment, you need to communicate more. We need to find out each other’s priority tasks and direct our efforts towards them.

The cause of a serious quarrel can be the constant suppression of emotions, which will soon lead to a serious scandal. To avoid this, all problems must be solved as they arise, and a timely compromise will preserve family happiness.

In every conflict situation, it is important to explain to your significant other that your feelings have not changed, you are a loving and friendly family, and minor quarrels will not cause the destruction of harmony.

When quarrels are a reason for separation, then you should not waste your nerves and time on each other, it is enough to express existing reproaches to your face, and in the absence of mutual respect, love, trust, it is better to break this sinful chain in order to give each half the opportunity to build new and happy ones relationship.

You can often hear the expression that “darlings scold, they only amuse themselves.” However, regular quarrels in the family cannot bring anything good. There can be many reasons for this phenomenon. If you are increasingly asking the question: “What should I do if I constantly argue with my husband?”, then it’s time to finally admit the existing problem and try to solve it peacefully. But where to start? And how to fix the situation?

What do quarrels and discord lead to?

The simplest rule in the family: “Be able to hear and listen to your partner.” It is precisely because of non-compliance with this rule that quarrels most often begin.

As a result, both spouses stop listening to the other’s opinion and respecting his interests. They each begin to defend their own point of view and, as a result, regularly argue and quarrel. This is where women’s statements like this arise: “We constantly fight with our husband over little things.” At the same time, both spouses begin to resemble offended children whose toy was taken away. Each of them stands on his own and does not intend to give in to the other.

If everything continues at the same pace, then both spouses will understand that they have absolutely nothing in common. The consequences of this are divorce, division of property with all the ensuing consequences.

The main thing is to stop in time

If a husband and wife are constantly arguing, then at least one of them should definitely stop and take a sober look at the situation. Think carefully about how it all started and how your quarrel is proceeding. If you couldn’t remember something like this, you need to think about the fact that both partners are certainly the culprits of troubles in the family.

If, in your opinion, your husband started the quarrel, what prevented you from stopping in time? Why did you suddenly turn into a child and get into an argument with a frantic fuse? You supported the arguer, which means you are no less guilty than him.

It is quite possible that your spouse simply lost his temper. In this case, it can be influenced by various factors, including unpleasant moments at work, lack of finances and much more. Be smarter. Do not respond to shouting by raising your tone. Invite your spouse to calm down and look at the subject of the dispute calmly. At the same time, your tone should be balanced and your voice calm. After this, many men come to their senses. Remember, the main thing is to stop in time, before something is said that should not have been said. And then you will no longer wonder why my husband and I constantly fight.

Try to find a compromise

Any negotiation, including those between two arguing spouses, requires compromise. Sometimes finding it is not easy, but it is necessary. For example, if you are arguing over who will pick up the children from school or daycare, compromise and make a schedule. Your husband will do this on Mondays and Wednesdays, and you will do this on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And so that no one is offended, on Friday a grandmother or grandfather will completely cope with this task. And then you definitely won’t start a conversation with your friends with the phrase: “Girls, I’m constantly arguing with my husband, how can I fix the situation?”

What does the lack of compromise lead to?

In the absence of compromise or the desire to seek it, each partner will act out of spite for the other. For example, your husband will regularly stay late at work, because that’s where he can get rid of your reproaches and whims. He will turn off his phone and spend more time with friends. And sometimes you come far from being sober. All this results in a certain protest and a desire to get away from the unpleasant and tense situation in the family. As they say, a man must have a reliable rear at home. If he is not there, he will simply begin to return there less often, and over time, perhaps, he will stop altogether.

The wife, on the contrary, will become offended. Sometimes she will turn to parents, relatives, and like-minded people for help. She will ask all of them: “My husband and I constantly fight, what should we do?” Of course, each case is individual. However, with this approach, your marriage is unlikely to last long. Take action and change the situation for the better.

How to solve the problem together?

In order to solve any problem, it is necessary to act together. For example, many ladies claim that their disputes are purely financial in nature. You can hear something like this from them: “We constantly fight with my husband about money. There aren't enough of them. Low salary. We can’t buy and put aside anything,” etc. However, before nagging your husband and once again reminding him of his small salary, think about what you specifically did to solve this problem. So what should you do?

First, talk to your husband. However, do not base your conversation only on reproaches. Psychologists recommend using the “hamburger” tactic. Remember that a hamburger has two buns and one patty.

So, first you need to praise your husband, then scold him a little (in moderation, of course), and then praise him again. For example, it would look something like this: “Dear! You are so talented and smart. It's just that your boss doesn't value you. Your salary is small, although you work seven days a week, and you also do everything for three specialists. It is not right. Talk to management. Say it's time for career growth. You have already grown out of your position and are ready for responsibility and new obligations. Ask for a promotion and an increase in salary. You know how much I appreciate your courage, prudence and responsiveness. You will succeed, you’ll see!”

Believe me, with this approach you will no longer need to look for answers to the question: “Tell me what to do? I constantly quarrel with my husband and don’t know what to do!”

Do not try to change anyone and look for solutions peacefully

The most common mistake in family relationships is the desire of one partner to change the other. Hence the mutual grievances and reproaches. But not a single person can be changed, of course, if he himself does not want it.

If you decide to start “raising” your husband, think about it - perhaps something is wrong with you. If you think that everything is fine with you, then in order to make fundamental changes in the character of your spouse, you should act gently and unobtrusively. And then the catchphrase “I constantly fight with my husband,” which you often use when communicating with your friends, will forever disappear from your vocabulary.

A simple example that many psychologists hear at appointments is that a husband often wears shoes around the apartment, but his wife doesn’t like it. What should you do in this case? Stop yelling at him. If he’s so used to it, then talking in a raised voice won’t help. Thus, the selfish phrase “I want you not to walk around the apartment in shoes” can easily be replaced with “I would like our house to be clean and comfortable. Therefore, be kind, do not walk around the room in your shoes and appreciate my work.”

Communicate more with each other

Sometimes women make an unforgivable mistake - they are unhappy with something, but do not tell their husband about the reason. Of course, you can expect your spouse to figure out why his other half was offended for years. As a rule, he doesn’t even know what he’s actually talking about.

If you are not happy with something, tell your spouse about it. However, this should not be done in the form of a complaint - it is better to communicate softly and carefully, without offending him

Pregnant: My husband and I constantly argue

Women in an interesting position are often prone to quarrels and mood swings. It's all due to an excess of hormones. Of course, if you have a loving and caring husband, he will understand what exactly is causing your sudden mood swings.

If the situation has become tense, and you can’t do anything about it and the scandals continue, try doing breathing exercises. It helps you relax, calm your thoughts and even balance your emotions. As an option, a special yoga complex for pregnant women with elements of simple exercises and breathing is suitable.

Take more walks in the fresh air. In the end, you can deal with emotions using alternative methods. For example, psychologists advise singing, dancing or doing creative work (knitting, sewing, making something). And then your family will be quiet and calm.

Does your life consist of constant quarrels and swearing? We argue with my husband all the time - unfortunately, this problem faces a large number of wives. Both day and night I’m tormented by the question, why do we quarrel with my husband so often? Do you remember the last time you calmly drank tea with your spouse? Then work on solving your problem, because you cannot become truly happy.

Quarrels are a problem that many married couples face.

Try to remember what exactly led to your constant quarrels. Do you remember how your war began? If not, then we can judge that both spouses are guilty. Even if your husband turned out to be wrong, you needed to smooth out the conflict in time. If you simply inflated it, then we can say that you are also guilty.

Some people ask: my husband and I constantly argue about what to do, but they don’t understand that they themselves are developing the conflict further. For example, this is a banal chain of actions. Your husband didn’t come home from work on time, you didn’t prepare dinner, he got offended and decided to teach you a lesson. As a result, everything goes in an eternal circle, like a mechanism.

Regular quarrels and conflicts overshadow any relationship, especially marital ones.

If you don't know what to do, then remember that you cannot change another person. A person can only rethink his behavior in order to change in time. That is why all that remains is to wait for you or become the main initiator of reconciliation, coming to terms with the shortcomings of your other half.

Why do my husband and I constantly fight?

If a person says that “my husband and I argue all the time,” then various factors may influence this. This is the birth of a baby, moving to a new place, stressful situations at work, applying for a loan and other events. As a result, partners will not be as happy as in the first moments after meeting. You will be able to cope with the situation only if you carefully work out your attitude towards your loved one.

• Habit. Unfortunately, you can quickly get used to quarrels. People are already convinced that all families live in such an atmosphere. A large number of claims only accumulate, pouring out in a continuous stream. All this turns into a tangled ball in which it is impossible to find the tip of the thread. When you realize that you are tired of this life, start making changes to it.
• The fault of both partners. There is no need to think that only your partner is to blame for everything. In addition, unlearn how to build logical chains. Otherwise, you will definitely find something to blame your soulmate for.
• Investigate the complaints. If you want to find the answer to the question of how to stop arguing with your husband, try to make a list of what exactly doesn’t suit you. Focus on what you would like your relationship to be like. Thanks to this, you will be able to talk calmly, listening and understanding each other.

To solve a problem, you need to understand the reasons for its occurrence.

These are the main points that will make the family strong. Value your relationships because it is so difficult to find your true love these days.

How to stop arguing with your husband?

Some people ask: why do my husband and I constantly fight? The reason is sometimes banal to the point of impossibility - you cannot structure your conversation correctly. So, here are a few rules that will definitely help you avoid conflict:

• don’t try to speak at the same time, because you still won’t hear your other half;
• if the wife or husband is to blame, do not try to make excuses, because this makes you angry and annoying even more;
• voice only your desires, and do not burden your loved one with your scandals, which will infuriate any person;
• ask only what will not irritate and enrage;
• speak in a calm tone to stop getting angry and irritated;
• remember that there are no secondary needs, so be able to listen and understand your loved one.

Any conflict must end with reconciliation

All these tips will help you catch the right wave, which will eliminate the risk of conflicts. Even if it gets hard for you, don’t give up on your goal. In the future, you will be able to live calmly and amicably.

How to avoid quarrels?

There are some important tips for people who live under the same roof. I have a question: I argue with my husband every day, what should I do? The answer can be found if you follow simple rules:

• reset the counters - start living differently right from tomorrow. Don't get angry at each other if something goes wrong. Imagine that you just met yesterday. Start the game again, which will significantly reduce the number of quarrels in the family;
• good words and deeds - you should never throw mud at your husband in the company of close friends. Remember that society is the main enemy of relationships. You are together because there is a spark between you. Is it appropriate to say bad things about someone you care about? Someday these words will reach the ears of the other half, which will not bring anything good;
• simple compliments - probably people who live under the same roof for a long time rarely compliment each other. Try starting this tradition to see how attitudes change. Even the simplest compliments can lift a person’s mood, which will discourage quarrels and scandals.

As you can see, everything is very simple and accessible. Thanks to simple tips, you will have the opportunity to save your family. Be wiser, because in a relationship a lot depends on the woman.

In some cases, a woman tries to talk, but her husband refuses to make contact. You will make a mistake if you give up and let the situation go with the flow. If suddenly you are determined, then you should act in other ways. These are options for women who value their relationship with their spouse. Any situation should not confuse you.

You may wonder why your loved one behaves the way they do. Perhaps this is your fault too. If he is not affectionate with you, then the woman should help him get rid of the negativity when he returns home. Some husbands don't want to get a job, but you don't have to work twice as hard. In this case, your significant other will not understand that there are problems in your family. Just calmly talk to your spouse and tell him that he must decide what to do in the future. He needs to become responsible.

If your husband is constantly nagging you, never lock yourself in another room with your lips pouting. Speak words of love to him, regardless of his condition. If suddenly he accidentally offends you, never leave him without lunch or dinner. Also try to tell him about your experiences so that he does not regard you as a secretive woman.

Some women say: we argue with my husband every day, there is no change, everything is boring. However, the above method will provide an opportunity to show that you care about the relationship. If a man does not take any action on his part, then you should take a break to think about everything carefully.

Of course, no family life is complete without quarrels and conflicts. But remember that there should not be too many of them. Otherwise, things may lead to divorce, since it is very difficult to withstand such everyday life.

Reconciliation after a scandal with her husband

A quarrel is something that spoils the mood and makes you think about your future life. But you should stop in time so as not to encounter problems in the future. There are several steps to reconciliation with your husband that will give you the opportunity to regain a warm relationship:

• cool down your ardor - remember that immediately after a quarrel you are still on edge. You should not rush to reconcile immediately, since any careless word can cause negative emotions. It's best to wait until you've completely cooled down. In this case, it will be easier for you to choose the right words, tuning into a calm and sincere conversation;
• find the first words for reconciliation - often a man is in no hurry to take the first step, but this does not mean that you should sit in different rooms and sulk at each other. Take the initiative. Find the right words, approach your significant other and start a conversation. Under no circumstances should you focus on the fact that the man himself is to blame. This will provoke a new outbreak of conflict. It's better to say how much you love him and don't want to quarrel. Perhaps the spouse himself will understand how wrong he was;
• if the spouse does not want to reconcile, many girls who ask themselves the question why we quarrel with our husband are themselves to blame for the conflicts. Even when they want to make peace, the man categorically refuses to do so. In such a situation, you should not bother him. Soon he will understand that living in quarrels is uncomfortable, so he himself will come to meet you halfway.

If you are asking: I often argue with my husband, what should I do, read this article carefully. Thanks to useful tips, you will understand how to avoid conflicts and how to make peace with your loved one!

Frequent quarrels in a relationship cause both sides of the couple to suffer. And often the thought arises of giving up everything so that it can finally end. But there is no point in changing the boat if you do not know how to operate the oars. So, let's learn to avoid conflicts and make our lives happier!

High expectations

Often one of the partners in a love relationship thinks that he will later cope with the shortcomings of his beloved. However, after unsuccessful attempts, it begins to stress both of them.

Sometimes it’s just enough to start accepting a person for who he is and stop changing him.

Tired of each other

It starts when people spend a lot of time together. Then all interesting topics are reduced to a minimum, more silence, disagreements, irritation, etc. appear. This is why psychologists advise sometimes taking a break from each other.

Jealousy

To a jealous person, everything seems suspicious: the other half takes a long time to return from work, unfamiliar numbers call, the outfit is too revealing, etc.

Often this can be eradicated by greater openness with such a person and the exclusion of those moments that irritate him so much:

• stop communicating with people of the opposite sex;
• call back unknown numbers together;
• talk on the phone on the way home if you are delayed, etc.

Stress

They can arise due to pressure at work, poor health, misunderstanding with parents, fatigue, lack of sleep, etc. In such cases, there is often unfounded criticism and a more acute reaction to everything that happens around.

Living with such a person, you just need to be patient and start taking measures: give more time for rest, send him for treatment, help with business.

Influence of outsiders

It also happens that those around you are not delighted with your choice, so they try in every possible way to “open your eyes.” While you are defending your loved one to them, you still unknowingly begin to pay attention to what they have been talking so hard about. Irritation and frequent quarrels appear.

You can exclude this by prohibiting discussion of your partner, or by minimizing communication with strangers.

What to do

Frequent quarrels are, in principle, the norm. This means that people are not indifferent to each other. And if your partner still remains with you, despite systematic abuse, then this says a lot.

Don't bring up the past

If you have already tried to do this, you probably noticed how you began to overreact to moments that were somehow connected with the past, although before you lived and didn’t think about anything.

They say correctly: the less you know, the better you sleep. Forget about what happened before you and don’t be interested in it, and you won’t have any jealousy, “troubles,” or other “headaches.” This person is already with you. What else is needed?

Don't leave issues unresolved

It would seem that sometimes it is better to simply end a quarrel, bringing it to a “no” with silence or assent. Indeed, this can be done, and life is much calmer. However, this only applies to those cases when you will not return to these situations again.

If you would like to subsequently exclude such actions from your partner, then it is worth talking. But this also needs to be done correctly:

• talk about what made you nervous: “I was unpleasant when you...”;
• ask, if possible, not to do this again: “Don’t do this again, please, don’t make me nervous”;
• offer an alternative (what a person should do so that it does not cause negative emotions in you).

Important!
Don’t forget the proverb “If you love to ride, love to carry a sled.” This means that you cannot constantly ask without giving something in return. This can be expressed in gratitude, pleasant words, care, tenderness and willingness to respond to the partner’s requests.

Forget the words “You must/must!”

Nobody owes you anything. You are an accomplished person with arms, legs and brains. Even your own parents don't owe you anything. Take it for granted. A person helps - good, no - well, okay, so you can handle it yourself.

A very simple solution is to replace the words “You should/must” with “I would be pleased if you...”. Believe me, the effect will be completely different! A person who didn’t even want to do something will most likely meet you halfway.

And don’t forget about the basic rules of ethics - use the word “please” more often.

Lower your expectations and demands

Most often, the reason for frequent quarrels in relationships is that one of the partners demands too much, and the other cannot give it. In this case, it is worth remembering once again that there are no ideal people. Therefore, there is no need to try to change a person to make you feel comfortable. This is the lot of egoists.

Do you know why calm couples have much less quarrels than you? Because they do not require that boots are constantly out of the way in the hallway - the one who does not like it simply silently removes them himself; they think: if the dishes were not cleared away after dinner, it means that the person did not have the time or mood to do it, well, or he does not bother with it at all.

Don't stop accepting each other

Here are examples of how a person’s worldview changes over time:

• The guy is the “soul” of the company. He knows a lot of jokes, is always in a good mood, and will support any conversation. At first, for the girl, he is an attractive and charismatic young man who does not want to reveal his problems in front of people. Then, when a couple lives together for a long time, the capricious lady begins to perceive his behavior as “showing off” and carelessness, which is expressed in the fact that the man does not care about everything. As a result, he begins to irritate her, so she begins to “nag” him.
• The girl is able to fight back, she is bright and obstinate. Her partner is attracted to this, he considers this trait special, he says: “Damn it, my cat is showing her claws again!” After a couple of years of marriage, she becomes for him “a bitch who just wants to tame him.”

So why are we doing this... You need to periodically return to those feelings and sensations that arose in you before - at the first stage of the relationship. At a time when you considered all these shortcomings to be advantages that make you smile and say: “Well, yes, that’s how he is - my favorite person.”

Important!
If you don’t like something about a person, it’s not his shortcoming, but your whim. What irritates you may be attractive to other people.

Learn to quarrel correctly

So, the quarrel begins. What does each of the interlocutors often do? He begins to defend his innocence. Moreover, not in the most friendly tone. This kind of conversation almost never leads anywhere.

There are ways to make conflict more productive. To do this you need:

• speak only calmly;
• if you see that the interlocutor is heated, say that you will not talk to him in such a tone, it is better to wait until you both “move away”;
• there is no need to prove your opinion, but you need to voice it and support it with facts and arguments;
• you should not interrupt your partner, as this often irritates and leads to a bad reaction;
• remember: it is better to remain silent than to yell and offend your interlocutor.

Control what is said

During a quarrel with a girl or guy, do you like to get excited and say a bunch of nasty things? Then don't be surprised if your relationship deteriorates.

The fact is that no matter how much you later deny that it was said out of spite, your significant other will remember all those offensive words for a long time.

After this, a cooling towards the person often occurs, because we all want to be idolized, not humiliated.

Know how to ask

This point is very important, since, most often, this is where the “dog is buried.” Look at yourself from the outside. How do you talk? Would you like it if someone talked to you the same way? It is not a fact that the answers to these questions will satisfy you.

Know how to admit to yourself if, indeed, there are complaints, instructions, etc. from your side.

If this is your case, then remember:

Start communicating with your significant other the way you would like to be communicated with. See how much your relationship will change! And almost as soon as you start to succeed!

The most important thing is to be gentle. No one likes it when the conversation contains complaints, reproaches, direct criticism, etc.

Here are examples of what was said with the same meaning, but in different words:

- Badly:“How do you cook? Well, there’s always plenty of salt! It’s impossible to eat!”

Fine: Can I ask you to add less salt next time? Please use less salt – I think it will be even tastier!”

- Badly:“You are so lazy that you can’t even babysit!”

Fine:“Couldn’t you babysit the child? In the meantime, I would do some things. And by the evening I won’t be so tired, well, you know what I mean...”

Learn to accept refusals. If you receive a “no” in response to your request, try to understand the person why he did it. Perhaps he feels bad, promised to meet/help a friend, is simply tired, or even believes that this is not his responsibility - all these are NORMAL explanations.

If they do not suit you, either accept it or try to act cunningly. For example:

1. If the wife stopped taking care of herself, tell her how beautiful she was before, especially in that outfit and with that hairstyle, and as soon as she “works magic” on herself, admire her appearance, give a lot of compliments.
2. Also in the case of a man: Not everyone considers it normal to help his wife around the house. However, you can involve him in this too. For example, when rolling out dough for dumplings, ask him to help you. You need to base your request on the fact that you are so bad at it, and it’s a little hard for you, but he – so strong and “handy” – will definitely help you make perfect dumplings!

In the end, I would like to wish every reader to start applying these tips in their lives. There is no need to be afraid to make concessions, because this is not a weakness, but a strength, a talent that anyone can acquire!

And one more thing: before you pack your things after another quarrel, think about whether you will really be fine without this person? Is the reason why the quarrel occurs so significant? Is she worthy of your nerves?

Video: How to quarrel so that you don't quarrel anymore

Hello! Lately I have been arguing with my husband all the time. Why do we swear out of nowhere - I can say something as a joke, but he freaks out and begins to “show his character.” The main problem is that he is not willing to spend time with the child, most of the time that he is at home just sitting at the computer or TV in another room. Even when I feel bad and can’t sit normally with the child, nothing changes. As an example, I injured my ankle (either sprained or damaged, as a result it hurts to walk and generally hurts), I told my husband about this several times in one day, when I called him to wash the child, he stood in the passage to the room a meter from the child and said “give it to me,” but it’s hard for me. Yesterday I pushed the stroller down the stairs myself and walked with the child, although he knew that I had not slept all night, my leg hurt and I needed to study, I have school now. Recently I began to notice thoughts about divorce. I'm already tired of the constant swearing, but I don't know what to do. It is easier to destroy than to contain, I would like to correct the situation, but I have no idea how to do this

Annnnnnnn1720

Svetlana Dyachenko

Administrator, Russia

I am 21, my husband is 33. I am babysitting, he is 9 months old. Thank you very much, I'll read it

Annnnnnnn1720

Hello! I see that you are outraged by your husband’s behavior; it’s as if he doesn’t hear you. This even makes you angry, because you feel powerless in the face of the situation. How many years have you been married? Has your husband always behaved this way or did something happen and his behavior changed suddenly?

Married for a year. We've been together for two years now. With the advent of the child, it became much more noticeable - the need for help appeared more often, which he sometimes refuses, does not spend time with us - he can watch the same film as me, sitting with the baby, but in the next room, or sit with us, and then suddenly go away room to watch TV. Plus, my husband has a problem with alcohol, well, he can’t drink otherwise he won’t stop, there was an agreement that he won’t do it again, at least not often - beer once a week is okay, but as soon as he goes to his sisters, he comes drunk and then drinks more two or three days, not a straight binge, but there’s a beer, a couple of drinks there, an energy drink there, and so on for these three days or until the money runs out. We also swear on this basis

Annnnnnnn1720

I understand you, it’s hard and offensive for you that your husband doesn’t behave the way you would like, and even insults you with his behavior. In general, the period after the birth of a baby is a difficult time for a family: new rules, great responsibility... Everyone experiences all this in their own way. And I would like to help you. I got the feeling that he was looking for opportunities to relax and be alone: ​​watching TV alone, going to visit his sisters... What does he tell you about this? How does he justify his actions?

No way. I’m starting to be indignant that he’s sitting in another room again and doesn’t have time with us, to which the only answer is “right now,” and what’s more, he’s irritated. He has a job two days after two and all this time (weekends, I mean) he is constantly apart from us, if he walks with the child, it is from half an hour to an hour, although he knows that the child sleeps poorly at home. Now I walk for two or three hours, even with a sore leg. Yesterday my husband reproached me for sleeping an extra two hours while he was walking with his son, saying he could have slept at that time. But no, he was such a good walker with the child, but the fact that I don’t sleep at night and get up to see the child is nothing to worry about. He goes to his sisters because there are nephews there, to whom he pays more attention than to our son and his sister, his godmother.

Annnnnnnn1720

Yes, I understand you, it’s a very difficult period. I remember him: night feedings, square head, eyes like aquariums. It’s insanely hard, and if there’s no support, then it’s doubly hard...
So you don’t know why he behaves this way? Maybe problems at work? Didn't you recognize it?
I can understand you; lack of sleep has never made anyone happy. And the less you sleep, the more irritation grows. And this even affects perception, everything is perceived more sharply. This is the period, believe me, it is temporary.
I got the impression that you don’t really like to talk to each other, it turns out that you only reproach each other or keep score of who has done and how much. Why is this happening? Perhaps because you devalue each other's actions? It seems to you that he is not doing anything special, but it seems to him that you sit at home all day, slacking off, and he works? How do you think?

There are no problems at work, he is not an office employee, etc. He works in a warehouse and his only “problem” is moving to a new workshop. Nothing special happens there that could upset him. I’m trying to talk to him about something, tell him about the child, etc., find common interests - and at least watch something together, but he either brushes me off saying that’s all, or begins to switch, excuse me, to “titty-pussy” themes or jokes, I tolerated at first, but now I feel disgusted and it’s starting to terribly irritate me. I’m trying to tell him something, talk, but he keeps talking about one thing... As if he doesn’t hear me. Always if he helps me, I tell him thank you, well done, etc., but I don’t get any return in return.

Annnnnnnn1720

You tell him about your own things that hurt and worry... And he tells you about his own. And in the end you brush each other off. And it turns out that you consider his pain frivolous, and he considers yours. Maybe it's all about intimate life?

There is an intimate life, given that it hurts me like crazy, but it still exists. Twice a week consistently, well, not counting critical days, of course.

Annnnnnnn1720

This cannot be treated in any way now, I had a rupture of symphysitis and a discrepancy - now everything is healing and the pelvis is gradually returning to its normal state, I had an ultrasound and the doctor said that the pain was associated with my condition of the pelvis and there was no way to fix it. My husband knows about this from the very beginning. I tried to talk to him more than once, but he starts interrupting me, saying, let’s not argue, let’s not now, why did you start again and everything like that (in principle, this is how he reacts to any attempt to talk on any topic). He doesn’t think that he is behaving in any way wrong - he doesn’t help with the child, so he works and on weekends he doesn’t take a break from work, because he works and doesn’t sit at home, he sits separately from us and watches TV or plays on the computer, again he’s resting etc.

Annnnnnnn1720

I sympathize with you and sincerely wish you a speedy recovery.
It seems to me that he is afraid of quarrels just like you, which is why you can’t have a frank conversation. It’s just that men in general, in our understanding, react in a very unique way to all sorts of emotional outbursts, this scares them, because it seems to them that emotions are generally something terrible, uncontrollable and nothing good can be expected from them. Please tell me, do you have any helpers: family, friends? Who can you leave your child with and finally get out somewhere? Spend time together?
I got the impression that now in your family there is such a strong intensity of emotions, claims against each other, that you two simply need an outlet. Do you think it is possible to organize something where you can relax and unwind?

No, there is essentially no one to help - I have my parents with whom we live, but my mother is not particularly eager to help, and my father has no time. No, there is no such opportunity - I go somewhere alone only when absolutely necessary - for example, to get to the institute, etc.

Annnnnnnn1720

After giving birth, women often become focused on the child. And the conversations all come down to him. This is normal, because this is a beloved baby, you can talk about him for days. But in the hustle and bustle and in these troubles, we very often forget about each other. Hence the hostility, coldness, and distance in relationships. It turns out that we do not show the care and love that we showed before. All of it remains with the child.
Unfortunately, I cannot tell you for my husband what motivates him, what he is dissatisfied with, he is not here. But I can tell you what you can do to at least understand for yourself what is happening in the family and why such tension has arisen that even brings thoughts of divorce.
Try to talk not about the child, try to talk about him... How you miss him at the end of the working day, how important he is to you... Dear.
Ask your mother to sit with the child for at least one day and explain the situation. It is vital for you to clear your head, to return to the role of a wife, a beloved and loving woman, to take a little break from the eternal affairs of your mother, which will never end, but in which you are able to take a break.