This is a pressing topic, although it is not at all easy to discuss, maybe even condemn our mothers and draw some conclusions. But too many women come to see a psychologist with this question - my own mother is not letting me live, what should I do?

I’ll make a reservation right away - women whose relationship with their mother is good and calm should not read this article; you will not understand the pain and suffering of many women who do not know such parental relationships, who have not experienced maternal love, care and understanding. You are very lucky to be born into a loving and caring family, just like me. But there is also the other side of the relationship - complete lack of mutual understanding, disrespect and even indifference on the part of what seems to be the closest and dearest person - the mother.

Situations vary. In one family, a mother does not allow her young daughter to date a guy. In another, an adult daughter, having her own family, for some reason must always consult with her mother and receive a positive assessment from her.

Or, even worse, when the mother is in open conflict with her son-in-law, saying unpleasant things about him, thereby unnerving her daughter.She constantly asks her to help with anything, although she can easily handle it herself, as long as her daughter takes care of her. And so on, there are many cases.

But the essence is the same - the mother does not let her daughter leave her! And no matter how old her daughter is, maybe she’s already well over 40, she still controls her, monitoring her every action, forcing her to report on past events. She definitely needs to speak out on any matter, although no one asks her opinion, and the mother doesn’t even care whether her daughter is upset or not. "What's the matter? I’m your mother and I wish you only the best!” Completely unaware that this is “best” for her and not for her daughter. She may throw a tantrum, shedding tears, if she does not like the reaction and statements to her comments. And no requests or persuasion have any effect on her; the response is either insult with the words “how can you offend your mother?”, or a quarrel with shouting and insults. Well, she doesn’t understand that her daughter should live her own life, that she has her own character, different from her mother, and maybe similar, but she doesn’t want to live as her mother tells her! She doesn’t understand that her daughter is a completely independent person, capable of taking responsibility for her own actions, wanting to live her own life, making her own mistakes! He doesn’t want to understand this, sincerely believing that he loves his daughter and wishes only the best for her.

What to do? A difficult, unfortunately, insoluble problem. It is impossible to re-educate your mother, force her to reconsider her views, or change her position towards her own child. That's how mom is! The easiest thing is to separate. Try not to talk on the phone for a long time, give less information, talk only about the most important things. Do not enter into polemics or discuss any events that are unpleasant for you, do not give rise to moralizing. The less information the mother has, the less conversations and instructions. But this does not mean, categorically, that you can forget about it, under no circumstances! Even when you come to visit or help her, as soon as the “morality” begins, let your mother know that this is a “difficult” topic for you. Try to convey to her all your thoughts and considerations about which you have a conflict or dispute. A sincerely loving mother will always understand you, but if there is no mutual understanding, then the principle is simple - less communication! It will be better for everyone! Sooner or later, mom will understand how much she needs you, accepting your opinion and position. Don't forget about your mother, but also remember about yourself and your family! And draw conclusions so that your daughter no longer suffers from you!

People say about a daughter: “gave birth to a nanny,” about a son, “gave birth to a baby doll.” It is understood that even in a small child the mother will:

• hostess;
• nurse;
• assistant;
• support, both in business and emotional.

Unfortunately, relationships between daughter and mother rarely work out well - even if everything is smooth on the surface. The absence of obvious conflicts is not yet a reason to assume that there are no problems in this dyad. For example, competition, envy, jealousy and other difficulties.

In fact, a mother’s tasks at the birth of a daughter are not one gram easier than at the birth of a son.

Let's see what really happens in the relationship between daughter and mother.

She is me: difficulty number 1

When giving birth to a son, many women still understand: who the hell knows how to raise him. It's not clear how to educate. I'll go and ask my husband. And before the heap, I will be more attentive, at almost every step. The son is perceived as a separate person more often and stronger (except for cases when, “according to Freud,” the mother “gave birth to her own penis,” i.e., a part of herself that will represent / prove / demonstrate her successes).

Problems with my daughter are of a completely different kind. “I am a woman - and she is a future woman,” mothers reason. “I know exactly how to raise her.” Behind this confusion - “my daughter is the same as me” - many differences are hidden:

• in temperament;
• in preferences;
• in achievements (“these are all my genes,” “I also loved music/mathematics, I’m a great cook/knitting/drawing skillfully”).

The second option is that the relationship between daughter and mother is loaded with maternal expectations:

1. that she will be just like her mother;
2. or not like that - he will make her dreams come true, will not allow her mistakes;
3. or help with housework (and it doesn’t matter what the daughter’s preferences and inclinations are, “mom knows best”);
4. or help - in the form of a coalition “against the world” or “against men”.

In total - “she is a little/second me” - does not work, or rather, every time the mother tries to “push” her daughter into this Procrustean bed, and a living person always “crawls out” of it, does not fit. Or he gets involved, but begins to get sick, suffer in silence, relationships with men do not go well in adulthood...

Competition, or I know better!

Competition is something that little girls already face. I don’t think that mothers do this on purpose and out of malice. First, it’s more convenient to do it yourself, and then it may well turn out that the mother is looking for mistakes in her daughter and, without hesitation, corrects them.

And who will tell her that she is wrong, if not her own mother?

Mark competition desires (external) such as

• trying to make your daughter better (than she is, yeah, but she’s just g...o ordinary);
• attempts to warn, protect (“she can’t handle it on her own”);
• indications of shortcomings in immeasurable quantities (namely, objectively more than support).

Instead of “let’s see what you got,” the first thing to do is

1. accusation (“you are causing damage with your actions”, “we are always paying for you”, “I had to pay a hefty amount for the courses/training/“tower”!);
2. shame (everything is always wrong; you are not what you should be; “you’re sitting wrong, you’re whistling wrong” (c) anecdote);
3. intimidation (“something will happen to you”, “you will be completely mistaken” = you won’t be able to cope on your own).

With age comes the problem that the daughter can really do something better. And at the very least, men like it more. Older women often give up their positions, unable to move to the next age, rich in its opportunities and achievements.

The relationship between a grandmother and a young mother is also filled with competition. Which one of them knows better? Which one is more competent and stronger?

Only the most “advanced” and holistic, not traumatized in their “achievement” (narcissistic) part, are able to give their daughter space:

so that she makes mistakes - and learns from her mistakes,

I tried it and it worked.

If a mother wants to be her daughter: crooked daughters and mothers

The worst type of relationship is when the roles of mother and daughter are reversed. At the same time, the mother may well carry out the household part (or she may not). But there is no safe place for my daughter emotionally. She has no one to come to to calm her down, caress her, take pity on her, console her, and stand her in her teenage rebellion.

Mom, as a rule, herself “under-loved” or “over-loved,” does not want to take the position of a mother. She is not capable or cannot “contain” (withstand, explain) her daughter. Instead, it depends on the mother’s mood what the daughter receives – affection or yelling. The mother not only competes (as a supposed equal, but in unequal conditions) - the mother literally forces her daughter to serve her emotionally.

Listen...

Support...

Calm down...

Stay sober and reasonable while I rage...

Dispel my fears...

And this is the shortest path to a codependent relationship and a “shoulder” that must be “pulled” through life. All this is called parentification - when children perform the role of a parent for their parents. How does it end? In different ways, but more often than not, daughters do not receive enough of the valuable emotional experience of childhood, carelessness (“I had to be vigilant to see what mood my mother was in”). Such daughters are not confident in themselves and are not sure that they can be loved “just like that” - only for their deeds and for serving another person.

Is everything so gloomy?

Are there really only problems in the lives of daughters and mothers? Of course not. There is also a special type of intimacy that is only possible between beings of the same sex. There will be a place for “one’s own language”, special “women’s” activities, which have always been used as a tuning fork, as something pacifying and creating a special female circle of “we”. There is a place for nurturing, maintaining and confirming identity:

Yes, daughter, you are a woman, and I’m happy for you/proud of you.

This can also be “broadcast” by other women of the clan and family: sisters, aunties, mother-in-law and many others.

However, this is only possible if the mother:

• doesn’t look young, doesn’t compete with her daughter like she does with her sister;
• does not become a “daughter”, is able to serve her own emotional needs;
• does not “get stuck” in the relationship with her daughter, and is able to let her go, let her fill her bumps and her experience.

We don’t always realize how much our relationship with our mother influences our lives. Having grown up and started a family, we still need our mother, who will support, understand and approve. Unfortunately, not all of us have such relationships with our mothers. Some openly rebel, some try to maintain neutral relationships, some pretend that everything is fine, but in our hearts we have not forgotten childhood wounds and grievances.

In our desire to assert ourselves and prove something to our mothers, we do not want to admit how important it is to establish a good relationship with her. This would make us happier, calmer and more confident, but the burden of childhood grievances haunts us.

Is it possible to break this circle of eternal grievances and reproaches? Writer, psychologist and mother Olga Valyaeva shares her experience.

Four stages in the mother-daughter relationship

I didn't have a mother for a long time. Well, that is, she was always there, physically. But inside I didn’t have a feeling of roots, there was no feeling that she was older and bigger. There was no respect, no love. We could argue, make peace, communicate nicely, drink liters of tea in the evenings. She was my family.

But as a mother... I felt her as a mother not so long ago. When I finally stopped expecting something from her, proving something to her and trying to change her. When I grew up and stopped doing nonsense.

That's the truth. There is a mother as a person. Which is from another century. It’s difficult for her to master the technique - and I don’t understand what’s so complicated about it. And there is me, who reads all sorts of smart books - and sees everyone’s problems in this book. Except for your own people, of course. Especially mom's. And you can teach her to live - that’s why you’re not married. This is where you are wrong, this is where you did it wrong. It's like I'm older, more experienced.

And there are also grievances. The grievances of a little girl who lacked her mother's attention. But not at the age of 15, when this attention became too much. I needed it then. Remember how in this joke: “If you haven’t had a bicycle since you were 5 years old, and at 25 you bought yourself a Mercedes, then you still didn’t have a bicycle at 5 years old.” So it is here. For me today, as for me in adolescence and older, my mother’s attention was too much. And I wanted it when I was five. Me, a child. Then. And this “then” is no longer achievable.

And here I am, all so smart and with a bag of grievances. And mother. Mom, who did everything she could for me. A mother who loved as best she could and as best she could. Many times more than they loved her. Mom, who went out of her way to make sure we survived. A mother who doesn’t need much from me. Adoption. Respect. Gratitude.

Only a bag of grievances does not allow you to respect. Doesn't let you love. The memory of childhood pain makes you build walls and stop having heart-to-heart conversations. And continue to be smart and teach life. You can live your whole life this way. And you will never see your Mom behind this bag. Never see a person in her. And behind her are her destinies.

And this actually gets in the way. There is no harmony and acceptance with mom - no femininity, no conscious and joyful motherhood. They say that gratitude and respect come naturally when you become a mother yourself. They're lying. In some ways you can begin to understand her better. But they also add “I will become a different mother, better!” - and grievances grow by leaps and bounds. I can do it - why couldn’t she?

That's how we live. We prove something to mothers, we express them. And we think that we are living. I recently saw a story about how an ambulance came to a woman who lived with her daughter. Mothers are 95, daughters are 75 - they call each other “old hag.” And there are many such cases. This is not always said out loud. But how many women live exactly like this - physically next to their mother, but deep down in their souls they are completely separated from her.

Often a daughter, even when she gets married, remains in soul with her mother. And he continues to butt heads with her, rush around, and so on. Sometimes she even gives birth to children for her mother. Because mom wants grandchildren. And sometimes the connection is broken - they don’t see each other at all. And both suffer in separation. Sometimes a daughter tries to break off a painful relationship, but the feeling of guilt won’t let her...

Although in reality everything is simple. There are 4 stages in a relationship with your mother. Which need to be lived, experienced. Step by step. Not a single one can be skipped or crossed out.

1. Symbiosis

From the very beginning, you and mom are one. You have a common body, you are her continuation. After birth, the child also considers the mother to be part of him. That’s why separation is so scary; he screams when mom leaves the room.

Someone gets stuck at this stage. And all his life he tries to please his mother, make her happy, and not argue. Because when my mother is happy, I am happy. But this relationship is harmful - especially for the daughter. Until the age of 7-8, it is correct and healthy to live like this - to be one with your mother, to absorb her love and care. And then you need to move on.

2. Controversy

At some point, the child begins to realize that my mother and I are different people. This means that we may have different views, different desires, and opinions on different issues may not coincide. And the daughter begins to argue with her mother, to prove that she is right.

The point of this stage is to break away. Find yourself. Find the strength to go your own way. But you can hang in it. And argue all your life. All my life to prove... I'm not you, I'm better than you, I know better...

3. Independence

The next stage is when the daughter begins her life not only in words, but also in deeds. He's leaving, he might go far. May stop communicating completely. In her life, her mother ceases to be an important person.

"I am on my own. I grew up. I am big. You are not my command.” At this stage, you can also get stuck - and lose a lot. Generic resources, connection with the feminine gender...

4. Gratitude and respect

And only when we separated and began to live our lives can we move to the final stage - gratitude to our mother. When mom becomes a close and dear person. When you can have a heart-to-heart talk with her - and you really want to. This only makes it better. A powerful resource appears...

Each cycle ideally fits into 7 years. From zero to seven, from seven to fourteen, from fourteen to twenty-one and from twenty-one to the end. That is, at the age of 21 you already have the resources to move to the fourth stage. If you have already completed all three previous ones. If you don't get stuck anywhere. But I hung around the second stage for a long time. Then the third came - but I kept slipping from it into the second. She proved, she argued...

And only for the last few years have I had a mother. For real. Vedic knowledge, arrangements, communication with Teachers…. Thanks to all this, I have matured. She left behind a pile of childhood grievances. I saw a person in my mother.

I learned to respect her. And I realized how grateful I am to her - my mother did so much for me...

Yes, sometimes I get back into familiar games. Not for long. And then I remember gratitude, make a mental bow... And everything falls into place again. As it should be.

And I wish all girls, young women and women to find their mother. In your own heart.

Mother-daughter relationship.

Mother-daughter relationship. Mom is able to give wings that will carry you into a great adult life. Or tie a weight to your leg to prevent it from flying out of the nest. What to do if, even as an adult, you were still unable to break free from your mother’s influence and separate from her. Among parents who want to live with adult children, 49% believe that without their control, the younger generation will go down the wrong path.

Mother-daughter relationship. Does mom know better?

Being the mother of an adult daughter is another challenge. Especially if the mother once placed not herself, but the child, at the center of her own universe. Over time, she will inevitably have to face the fact that this center is moving away more and more. Her baby is no longer small and no longer hers. It's scary and sad at the same time.

Things get more complicated when the mother doesn't have close ties outside of her relationship with her daughter. Only in her little one is she looking for something that she could not find in society - a replacement for her husband, friends, career, hobbies. The only kindred spirit, after all. How to cut the umbilical cord in this case? And what should a daughter do if family ties are so strong that they do not allow her to live her own life, separate from her mother?

The irony is that a loving mother dreams of her child being happy - finding his own path, purpose, meaning, and loved ones. But when these dreams are mixed with the fear of loneliness or the inability to look for a source of joy in things that do not concern children, she herself unwittingly leads her daughter astray from the path she has found. She inculcates her own views on life because she knows better and “her mother won’t give bad advice.” Or he bombards his forty-year-old girl with complaints because she does not sit nearby, filled with gratitude, but flies off and enjoys life, in which the mother is already given much less space than before.

Mother-daughter relationship. Both are worse

Mother-daughter relationship.

Knowing that your actions hurt your parents is a heavy burden. It is easier for obedient children to deprive themselves of pleasure, so that the mother does not think that she is being abandoned. The trap is that even the merger does not make the mother happy. She can expect sacrifices, but when her daughter makes them, she still continues to suffer - the child’s life is not going well. Caring for a mother turns into an eternal race, because the ability to be happy is not an object that one can invest in another. Everyone develops this skill on their own (listen to yourself, look for what will bring joy). And if mom doesn’t even try to move in this direction, you can give her every minute of your time and ardent assurances of love, but there will still be no result. This is a bottomless well that can never be filled.

If the boundaries are blurred, it becomes difficult to understand where the daughter's desires end and the mother's desires begin.

And so an adult woman, in an attempt to please her parent, puts up floral wallpaper in her apartment instead of her favorite white ones and buys black boots so that they match everything." And then she runs away from the date because her mother is upset again and she urgently needs to go to console her.

The longer the grown daughter merges with her mother in an inextricable union, the more difficult it will be for her to learn to hear her own needs and defend the right to happiness.

According to one theory. Childhood lasts a third of your entire life. Because life expectancy has increased. Sociologists believe that it is normal to feel like a child under 25 years old, having crossed this line, it is IMPORTANT TO GO FREE SWIMMING.

Mother-daughter relationship. Find yourself on your own

It becomes easier if you accept that the hope of one day healing mother’s wounds is illusory. But you can try to build a relationship in which there will be not a giver and a taker, but two equally significant adults. Supporting each other and ready to take responsibility for their own mood. Perhaps, in the new conditions, a mother will easily learn to look for a source of happiness outside of her relationship with her child. But even if this does not happen, it is important to understand: you can defend the right to personal interests, stay at an exciting job all week, and rush somewhere with your beloved man on the weekend and still consider yourself a good daughter. You can broadcast love and gratitude without replacing your life with your mother’s.

Mother-daughter relationship. THE FOLLOWING STEPS WILL HELP TO SEPARATE AND RESTRUCT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MOTHER:

• FORMULATE, What does it mean to you to be an adult, confident person. What does he do when his boundaries are violated? It is advisable to write this down in as much detail as possible, not with the phrase “I forbid my mother to interfere in my life,” but, for example, with the words: “If my mother claims that we should wear dresses instead of ripped jeans, I thank her for her participation, but add that I have everything It fits perfectly, despite the holes in the pants.”
• DEFINE What situations throw you off balance - unsolicited advice, resentment that you spend time with someone else, attempts to sound sick at any disobedience, other types of manipulation? If we know in advance the circumstances that make us vulnerable, we are less likely to be caught off guard.
• RECORD EVERYTHING What can you say to your mother when she pushes the limits? Come up with new wording that will not sound hostile, but categorical. It’s good if you can choose short and simple phrases - they are easier to remember in times of stress.
• MAKE A LIST what makes you happy and allow yourself to follow it. At one moment, it may seem easy to slightly suppress your desires, just so that your mother does not feel abandoned and lonely.
• But if an adult daughter does this regularly, her own life becomes joyless and not so necessary for her. Yes, you want to support your mother, but it is also important to have time to accumulate a little of your own, personal happiness, so that later you have something to share.
• MANY THINK THAT IT IS FOR A MAN It’s not appropriate to live with your parents for a long time, yet women LEAVE THEIR PARENTAL NEST ON AVERAGE A YEAR EARLIER.

To talk about her painful relationship with her mother, 40-year-old Katerina writes the book “Mom, Don’t Read!” Confession of an “ungrateful” daughter.” In it, she lists in detail her childhood and adult attempts to earn her mother’s love, which were unsuccessful every time. She is not writing for her mother - this is how she is trying to get rid of the pain that “stretched out for many years and has not subsided to this day”...

Natalya is 36 years old, and she considers her mother to be her best friend. “We often call each other, go shopping together, and every weekend I come to her with the children. We are very close,” she shares. And after a pause, he admits that the visits are not entirely voluntary. If you miss even one, she feels guilty. Like in her youth, when her mother reproached her for selfishness, constantly reminding her of what she sacrificed in life while raising her “ungrateful daughter”...

Katerina, Natalya - these two adult women never managed to reconcile, forgiving their own mother, or free themselves from dependence and guilt. In other words, they never became truly adults. Why is this so difficult?

“Mother and daughter - the relationship between them is unique,” ​​says psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. - They always contain guilt and forgiveness, affection and rebellion, incomparable sweetness and incomparable pain, inevitable similarity and its fierce denial, the first and main experience of our “together” - and the first attempt to still be separately...

Competition. Struggle. Fear. A piercing need for attention, for approval. Horror at the power of this need. Love, sometimes manifesting itself in murderous, suffocating forms. The first experience of subordination to power, “superior enemy forces” - and the first experience of one’s power over another person. Jealousy. Unspoken grievances. Grievances expressed. And above all this is the uniqueness of these relationships. There won’t be another one.”

Together, then separately

In early childhood, almost complete fusion with the mother is necessary for the child in order to survive. “The feeling of security that arises thanks to such a symbiosis helps him grow, mature and gradually begin an independent life,” says psychoanalyst Elina Zimina. “But if there was no such closeness, the desire to merge with the mother, to feel her unconditional love may remain the most important, the main thing.”

This is why so many adults look at the world through the eyes of their mother, act as she would act, and hope for her approval and gratitude.

For a girl, a mother is a perfect omnipotent being of the same sex. It is later, from about three to six years old, that she begins to compete with her for her father's love. Girls find it easier to distance themselves from their mother compared to boys, for whom the mother becomes a “love object.” But if this does not happen, the merger can turn into dependence: they see only similarities in each other.

An adult who continues to struggle with his parents most likely never separated from them.

Remaining in a close relationship with her mother, the girl stops growing up, because she does not feel like a separate person. Only by moving away can one discover differences: “how am I different from her?”, “what am I?”, “who am I as a woman?” By keeping her daughter close to her, the mother prevents her from finding answers to these questions.

“Gradual separation, separation from parents, creates within us the mental space necessary to feel our characteristics and desires, including our femininity,” explains Elina Zimina. “It is the ability to distinguish between what belongs to me and what belongs to another.”

You can compare yourself with someone who is in equal or almost equal positions with us. However, for a child, the mother is a creature devoid of shortcomings. To see a real woman in her, you have to overthrow her from an imaginary pedestal. It is enough to recall the intensity of passions between teenagers and parents to understand how painful this de-idealization occurs.

“When a teenager sees real people in their parents, the degree of hostility usually decreases,” says the psychoanalyst. - And an adult who continues to fight with his parents, most likely. never separated from them.”

But the separation does not end there, and the girl who becomes a woman, a mother, every time has to establish a new distance with her own mother.

The third one is not superfluous

Contradictions and conflicts, obvious or hidden, are always present in the relationship between mother and daughter. “A mother can painfully experience the loss of her daughter’s unconditional love when she, in the Oedipal phase of development, transfers her love to her father,” explains Elina Zimina. - Unlike girls, a boy at this age continues to love his mother. Therefore, there is less conflict and more harmony in the relationships between mothers and sons. But in the relationship between mother and daughter there can be more contradictory feelings: in addition to love, there is jealousy, envy and rivalry.”

For a daughter, both poles of maternal love are equally dangerous: its lack and excess.

In this regard, the image of the little girl that the mother herself once was clearly shines through. This image brings her back to memories of her own childhood, her relationship with her own mother, her experience of love and pain.

For a daughter, both poles of maternal love, its lack and excess, are equally dangerous. But the relationship between mother and daughter is not a relationship between two, but always three people. “The father separates them and tells his daughter: “I am your mother’s husband and lover,” explains Elina Zimina. “At the same time, he supports his daughter, admiring her femininity, and makes it clear that later she will meet a man who will give her the love she desires.”

The third person who helps mother and daughter separate from each other may not only be the father or the mother's partner. An idea, a hobby, a job - something that can completely capture a woman’s thoughts, so that during this time she forgets about the child and feels “separated” from him.

A psychotherapist can, of course, play this role. “There is one “but” that is often not taken into account in dreams and plans,” insists Ekaterina Mikhailova. “Any third person is a temporary figure: having fulfilled his role, he must fade into the background, making room for the development of relations.”

Far and near

Where is the border between a good, trusting relationship and complete dependence on the desires and moods of the mother? It is not always easy to find the answer to this question. Especially now, when friendly relations with the mother (“mother-friend”) are becoming the ideal of many women. But often they hide the lack of distance, that very “uncut umbilical cord.”

Daily calls, requests for advice, intimate details - this is how it looks in life. But constant conflicts, and even a gap between mother and daughter, do not mean that there is no emotional connection between them. Distance is also not an indicator. “A daughter can be extremely dependent on her mother, despite the fact that they are separated by thousands of kilometers, or live with her in the same house and be independent,” says Elina Zimina.

A woman’s natural desire to become independent can be hampered by her mother’s often unconscious desire to keep her close to her. “Sometimes she perceives the child’s separation as evidence that he no longer loves her and abandons her - perhaps this is due to her own experience of sudden separation,” Elina Zimina gives an example. - She may be unsure of her own femininity and jealous of her daughter’s beauty. Or consider himself entitled to control her life, because he sees his continuation in her. A single woman may look for a substitute husband or her own mother in her child.”

If parents allow their children to be free, but are ready to support if necessary, then the separation will be peaceful

In response, the daughter manifests anxieties - fear of losing her mother's love, self-doubt, fear of men... Some mothers want to keep their daughter at any cost, others, on the contrary, strive to “get rid of” her as quickly as possible. At the first teenage attempts to declare independence, they say: “okay, you are completely free and independent, you can live as you want.”

But behind this lies rejection. “Adult children also need support,” explains Elina Zimina. “And if parents allow them to be free, but are ready to support if necessary, then the separation will most likely be peaceful and good relations will remain.”

Path to freedom

True independence comes when a woman critically evaluates the attitudes, modes of behavior, and life scenarios she inherited from her mother. It is impossible to completely abandon them, since this will make her isolated from her own femininity. But accepting them entirely means that she, while remaining a copy of her mother, will never become herself.

“Usually, those who are able to unilaterally “withdraw their claims” and stop nourishing painful relationships with their hopes, grievances, or playing the role of an ideal mother or daughter, manage to move in the direction of seemingly desired, but still not coming, independence,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - Too close relationships are mutual. Often it only seems that “mom won’t let go” - both are not ready to move into a new phase of the relationship, but responsibility for this is usually assigned to the older one.”

If we really want changes, we need to start with a few tough questions to ourselves, advises Ekaterina Mikhailova: “What am I hiding from myself, explaining all the problems in my life by pressure, influence, interference and the need to take care of this other? Maybe it’s me who fills the emotional void by playing the game of independence?

Maybe the world behind me scares me so much that it’s easier for me to stay in a strange mixture of a fight, a dance and an embrace with that other woman? What do I hope for, continuing to sort things out, making peace, quarreling, reproaching - or pampering and pleasing? Maybe, deep down in my heart, I still believe that it will be possible to prove something, that “she” will agree, accept, approve...”

How can we understand whether we have really managed to become independent and have severed the maternal umbilical cord? This is so if we are no longer torn apart by contradictory feelings, no longer tormented by internal conflicts. If we ourselves regulate the degree of trust and distance in our relationship with our mother, without feeling guilty. We can objectively assess in what ways we are similar and in what ways we are different from each other. And finally, if we feel that we are connected with our mother by certain ties, but are not tightly attached to her.

"Difficult" mothers

As adults, we begin to build relationships with our mothers in new ways. However, with some of them this turns out to be especially difficult. Psychologist Susan Cohen and journalist Edward Cohen list 10 common types.

1. Narcissistic. She dreams of seeing in her daughter a pretty doll who would think only about her mother.
2. Controlling. She has a rule for every case. And every time she tells her daughter that she did not fulfill it.
3. Dependent on other people's opinions. She worries about what the neighbors will think, even when her daughter has long grown up and left the city.
4. Seductive. Always dressed in fashion, too short, too tight. She flirts with any man she meets, including her daughter’s friends.
5. Suffocating. Helps even when children don't need it.
6. Borderless. Takes her child's successes and failures very close, too close to her heart...
7. Criticizing. He blames her for everything that her daughter (doesn’t) do, as well as for what she dreams of.
8. Closing my eyes. Thinks that everything is not going so badly, even when it can’t get any worse.
9. Omniscient. She has long since done everything that her daughter ever hoped to do, and much better than she did.
10. Accusing. She is always dissatisfied, but expects her children to lay down their lives to satisfy her desires and dreams.