The main thing you need to know about the children's crying of a child aged from one to three is that these children can start their crying both voluntarily and freely, almost instantly stop it. This is an amazing picture: here a two-year-old with a desperately unhappy cry runs to her mother, who is the only one who can save her, but I stand in her way. She knocks on my legs, raises her head, the crying stops instantly, her eyes are attentive and calm. Realizing that this is not her mother and is not at all interested, the baby returns to her business, bends around these unnecessary legs and again, with a desperately unhappy cry, runs to her mother.

Have you seen this?

Many parents talk about this phenomenon with surprised admiration.

Away scene. There were three of us in the room: me, a two-year-old nephew, and another baby of the same age. The nephew hooked her friend with something, she bit her in response. The nephew is in pain, the result is crying. Her first movement into a state of crying was in my direction, but I looked at her calmly, did not regret it. She stood for a moment, apparently remembering that I didn’t react to her crying a couple of times, then she runs to her mother. Mom starts to feel sorry for her and gives her a treat. The crying stops instantly, the child chews the sausage with pleasure...

The second thing that is important for all parents to know is that at this age, children begin to simply have fun with their crying. Crying for a child is not always a reflection of some tragedy, it is the same energetic form of life as laughter or play. And the child likes to cry cheerfully as much as to shout or laugh. Crying is one of his favorite toys.

And third, children at this age begin to cry with a special purpose: to cry so that their parents do not scold them. Their crying is not just a way of psychological protection, it is a completely conscious way of protecting them from their parents.

Memory story: “I’m three years old, broke a mug, cried. I remember well the conversation with my grandmother. Her: Why are you crying? Do you feel sorry for the mug? - Not. - Why are you crying? - So that you do not scold me for a broken mug. - Do I scold you? - Not. What if you will? … I remember that I cried qualitatively, with tears. At the same time, I realized that I was not crying because of the mug. It was a “preemptive” cry on the topic: how can you scold me, I’m already crying!

At the same time, the most important function of children's crying is still different: crying for a child is a completely conscious tool for influencing parents. The child uses his crying when he wants to achieve something. The simplest thing: if you ask simply, then mom will not buy a car, but if she starts crying, she will buy it. Such crying is called instrumental crying, but the instrumental crying of a child after a year differs from the crying of an infant in two ways.

The first circumstance is that the crying of a baby of this age has already become his free tool. That is, if the baby with his crying insists only on what he really needs, then a child from 1 to 3 years old uses his crying completely freely, for any of his purposes.

Let's decipher this. Starting from the year of life (sometimes a little earlier), the range of needs of the child expands. Namely, if a baby up to a year old has all the basic needs - real, honest, then now the child has invented, arbitrary needs.

Previously, the baby cried, if he wanted to eat, drink and be dry, now the baby cries because he wants a red train or a curly doll: he cannot live without it.

After a year of life, the child begins to achieve with his crying not only what he really needs, but also what he just wants. Crying becomes purely instrumental, becomes a free tool for the child to achieve his arbitrary goals.

Dad says: I have twins, they are a year and three months old. I agree, up to a year my girls really cried only on business: wet, crap one's pants, hungry, gaziki, sleep, overloaded with impressions, teeth ... And then - crying so that they would pay more attention than to their sister! Crying for absolutely no "honest" reasons, clear instrumental crying! Since we were not “fought”, the crying suddenly ended abruptly and the daughter quite calmly switched to other things. Of course, we did not just ignore the unwanted behavior, but reinforced the desired one: we immediately approached when the daughter asked for it in an acceptable way. Somewhere in a week and a half, attempts to put pressure on me stopped.

Story: My granddaughter is 3 years old, in winter I took her to sled down the hill. The granddaughter rolled down the hill, the sled turned over. I see - she fell, lies, flounders in the snow, does not cry. I go down the hill, I go up to it. She calmly looks at me, stops floundering and starts crying. How so? Didn't cry! It turns out that the granddaughter herself was ready to cope with the situation as best she could. But since her grandfather approached, she decided that she needed to change tactics: to cry so that they would pick her up, shake off the snow and put her back into the sled.

The second important feature of a child's crying after a year is the openness of his intentions: at this time, the child is ready to honestly say to whom and why he is crying. "I'm not crying for you, I'm crying for my mother! - Why are you crying for your mother? - And why is she sitting with her sister, let her play with me!"

A child from one to three years old can not only instantly start and turn off his crying, but also select the right cry for a specific addressee. One thing can affect a mother, another can affect a grandmother. Dad, for example, can only be affected by a desperate cry, such that a grandmother will come running and explain to dad what kind of person he is. The child selects these instruments for specific parents, and picking them up, plays them like clockwork. Have you noticed that children usually have a different character: one with mom, another with grandmother, and a third with dad. The character of the child is his way of influencing you personally. Children are smart and quick-witted, they methodically select what works for you personally.

Dad's story: Masha is 2 years old, sitting, mumbling something to herself. He listened - she constructs a future dialogue, speaks for herself and for her mother: "Mom, drink! Mom, I'm really thirsty!" - "Here, Masha, have a drink!" - "I don't want to, this water is nasty!" She rehearses what will be her joy and a problem for her parents ...

This is the time when the child masters not just crying, but real tantrums. Usually children start tantrums by watching other children do it, after which they try tantrums on their parents. If the parents, in fact, allow the tantrum and reinforce it with their actions, the child begins to actively use the tantrum. This, in fact, marks the well-known crisis of three years.

And what to do with crying at this age?

The first is what not to do. Even if you understand that a child is manipulating you sometime, it is not right to be angry with him and blame him for this. "Gun, manipulation, you're always acting up!" These are all negative suggestions. If you say: "How cheerfully you cry! You are my energetic, let me hug you!" - it will be more fun and positive.

Second, don't reinforce the crying behavior. This is an important and difficult point, because most mothers do not understand: if the child has cried, then your empathy and pity support his crying. If your baby hit and wants to cry, then your desire to regret and soft "Cute, hit, or I'll take pity on you!" just start crying and complaining. On the contrary, your calm reaction calms the child, active - switches his attention.

Creative parents are happy to teach their babies to respond to problems and troubles not by crying, but by laughter and joy. Indeed, why not?

And the third and most important thing is to teach the child how to achieve his goal without crying. Teach your child to ask. All reasonable mothers know this simple rule, namely, if a child runs to you crying, you do not rush to feel sorry for him, but calmly say: “When you cry, I can’t understand anything. First, calm down, tell me what happened to you, what do you want. What's wrong with you? What do you want."

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn't be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.

Why is Antoshka crying? What happened? - Nothing special. He made a big hole in the sand and now he wants to take it home...

Lena, 3 years old:
She swallowed a lollipop, makes excuses: “Slipped and left ...”
* * *
- Where did you scratch it??
- About the cat...
* * *
- I hurt yesterday...
- Did you cry?
- Not…
- Well done! Why didn't you cry?
- There was no one at home ...
* * *
Sveta, 5 years old:

- In winter, so as not to freeze, and in summer?
- In order not to be dishonored, - Sveta declares.
* * *
Lying on the couch relaxing...
The daughter, 3-year-old Anyutka, comes up, strokes her head and says: “I’m tired, my princess, my frog!”
* * *
Nadia, 5 years old:
In the morning, leaving for work to the father: “Bye, dad, thanks for stopping by ...”
* * *
Gathered in kindergarten, and the son rests, does not want to wear warm pants. I AM:
- Do you want to leave your mother without grandchildren?
He, sighing:
- Well, only for the sake of grandchildren!
* * *
My daughter (3 years 10 months) conducted an educational program for me yesterday:
- The groom is the one who buys ice cream and kisses, and the husband is the one who nails the shelves at home and eats.
* * *
Saturday. General cleaning of the apartment. Accidentally left a can of Furniture Polish within sight of my son. After some time, with anxiety in my soul, I notice that I have not seen my son for a long time.
- Vova, where are you?
From next room:
- I'm playing!
- What do you play?
- I play Stars on Ice!
- Ahh, well done, son, play.
Who would have thought that this figure skater would sprinkle linoleum with polish and put on his show in the room!
PS. And I, it turned out, can still sit on the twine!
* * *
Ivan, 6 years old, came back from a walk in a torn shirt. Mom tries in vain to find out what's wrong. Vanya was silent for a long time, but, finally, he broke through:
- Well, I'm not asking where you tear your pantyhose!
* * *
Sonya, 4 years old:
- Why did they call me Sonya if you wake up in the kindergarten every morning?
* * *
We sit at work. The 5-year-old daughter of a colleague calls, asks to call her mother to the phone. She is answered:
- And my mother is not there, she is in the bank.
A long silence followed by the question:
- How did she get in there?
* * *
In the zoo, Misha saw a peacock and said to his mother:
- Mom, look, the chicken has blossomed!
* * *
We live in a country house. Flies prevail. Boris (5 years old) says:
- Flies fly, play catch-up, hide-and-seek. Mom comes with a newspaper. Boom! And that's it. game over!
* * *
- Danya, be a good boy, put away the toys!
- Mom, can you help me put the toys away?
- No, I won't help.
- Don't you want to be a good mom?
* * *

After dinner, dad lies on the sofa, and Tanya (2.5 years old) crawls on it.
- Tanechka, please don't sit on my tummy. It's full, there's soup.
- Well, then I'll sit on my head - it's empty!
* * *
A good friend of mine has two daughters. Talking to the youngest, he calls her "bunny". Suddenly she asks her:
- And what, Lena is also a "bunny"?
The friend replies, they say, of course, too, but I, they say, love you both.
After thinking a little and overcoming her jealousy, the youngest agrees:
- Well, okay, let it also be a "bunny", only gray, and the front paw is broken!
* * *
I’m going in the morning in a minibus, next to my mother’s arms is a peanut of 4 years old. We pass McDonald's. Baby:
- Mom, do you know when we will go to McDonald's?
- When?
- When we have a lot of money!
- Right.
- Mom, when will we have a lot of money?
- I do not know.
- How about today?
* * *
Oksana (6 years):
- Mom went to work, but she hasn’t reached her salary yet ...
* * *
We are riding the bus, Alice (3 years old) asks:
- Mom, what are you thinking about?
- About life... And what are you talking about? Is it also about life?
- No, what are you, I'm not old yet!
* * *
- Mom, do you know how the evil Baba Yaga differs from the good one?
- How?
- Evil Baba Yaga eats evil children. And good - kind.
* * *
The girl asks her mother:
Is it true that all humans are descended from monkeys?
- Truth.
- And I?
- And you.
- And you?
- And I.
- Do you have any photos?
* * *
The doctor comes to the sick child. He sees - his little sister runs barefoot on the floor.
- Come on, beauty, put on slippers, otherwise you will get sick.
After the doctor leaves, the mother notices that the girl is still running barefoot.
- Did you hear what the doctor said?
- Yes, he said that I'm beautiful!

* * *
From the yard comes the cry of little Anton. Mom asks Lena:
Why is Antoshka crying? What happened?
- Nothing special. He made a big hole in the sand and now he wants to take it home...
* * *
A five-year-old girl says to her mother, who is trying on a new fur coat:
- Mommy! How beautiful you are in this fur coat!
- Truth? Mom rejoiced.
- Truth. You look like a shepherd in it!
* * *
We talk with children about why people need clothes:
- In winter, so as not to freeze, and in summer?
Sveta (5 years 6 months):
- In order not to disgrace ...
* * *
I sit at the computer. A daughter passes by to the toilet and drags a tablet with her. Well, I think I'll prescribe a laxative - turn off WiFi. A minute later, an indignant cry from the toilet:
- Dad, turn on the Internet, I'm shitting!
* * *
- Mom, buy me this doll!
- Not now, we'll wait until dad's salary.
Girl (dreamy):
- When I grow up, I will have two husbands at once ...
- Why?!
- And so that two salaries ...
* * *
We're going to the street. Anya (2 years 8 months) says to her dad:
- Dad! Don't forget the bike!
And to mom:
- Mum! Don't forget dad with a bike!
* * *
I cradle my five-year-old son in my arms, humming song after song. Ten minutes later, the child asks:
- Mom, when will you stop singing? And I just want to sleep...
* * *
Daughter (5 years 11 months) argues:
My mother is strict but fair. Grandmother is even stricter, but also fairer. And dad is not at all strict and not fair at all!
* * *
From the category "Home Alone". Andrey (4 years old):
- I want to be alone, so that there is no one, no one!
- And what will you do alone?
- I'll look for everyone!
* * *
There were ants in the kitchen. Mom started fighting them, telling dad that she sorted through all the cereals, poured them into tightly closed jars, collected all the crumbs on the shelves with a vacuum cleaner ...
Glebik (6 years old) heard this story and was very indignant:
- Mom, how can you do this to animals ?! Crumbs are their food!.. You eat every day!.. The moth has left you! And the ants will leave!
* * *
Child (3 years):
- Mom, I'm already big. Here are small children asking for hands, and I'm already asking for a neck!
* * *
Irishka (4 years):
- Mom, do you know the difference between interesting and uninteresting?
I'm intrigued, waiting for the continuation.
- The fact that interesting is interesting, and uninteresting is not interesting!
* * *
The daughter is reading the alphabet. A puppy is drawn on the letter "Sch". Daughter reads:
- Shcha - shabachka.

Grandmother returns home and finds three-year-old Olenka, sobbing inconsolably in the hallway. The moaning and pleading eyes of the child are turned to the kitchen, where the mother is busy with household chores. Grandmother, naturally, with sympathy:
- Olenka, why are you crying so much?
To which the girl, in a completely calm voice, annoyed:
- Grandma, I'm not crying for you! - and again sobs directed to the kitchen ...
* * *
The little son learns to speak, does not pronounce the sound "P". We leave by car on the Moscow Ring Road, we accelerate. Atut cork. Dad, disappointed
- We're in a traffic jam.
The little boy sighs
- Yes, we are in the ass.
The eldest daughter corrects:
- Not in the ass, but in a traffic jam!
Son, with indifference:
- Oh, what an ass!
* * *
I run outside to meet a courier from an online store.
- Mom, where are you?
- I need to meet my uncle.
On the face of suspicion:
- What uncle? Do you know him?
- I'll get to know you now.
The next few seconds on the face of suspicion mixed with bewilderment:
“Does dad know that you and your uncle are dating?” - the next phrase killed on the spot: - Do not get into the car! Don't take sweets!
* * *
We talk with her husband in raised tones. Katya (4 years 11 months):
- So, you generally have only one concern - to love me! What are you yelling at?!
* * *
My daughter gave out a pearl at the age of 6. We sit with my grandmother in the kitchen and eat cabbage rolls. The daughter eats the filling, and puts the rest aside. Grandma says:
- Diana, eat cabbage, otherwise the boobs will not grow.
Answer killed:
- Grandma, why do I need boobs at 6 years old?

The common phrase “Happiness is when you are understood” says that understanding is not such a common phenomenon. The slogan "Childhood is the best, happy time" is more of a complacency for adults than a reality for children. The burden of responsibility creates in adults the illusion of carelessness and irresponsibility during childhood. But how sometimes life is more difficult for a child than for an adult! He still does not know that in life “everything passes”, and therefore his response is sharper and more direct, his suggestibility and gullibility to the words and actions of others are higher; it is more difficult for a child to respond and satisfy his desires, he still does not know how adults can find a replacement or compensation for them; the child is evaluated all the time: at home, in the garden, at school. At the same time, the child is often punished for what the adults themselves do with impunity. (“Mom, I rarely disobey you, but you often!”

Children's tears are often tears of resentment and misunderstanding. Often they have an addressee (“I don’t pay you, but my mother!”)

What is understanding?

• Understanding necessarily includes knowledge age features: what can be expected from a child of 1 year, 3 years, 5 years and how this behavior is explained.
• It includes knowledge of the individual characteristics of the child and the courage of an adult to preserve and support this uniqueness in the child.
• Knowledge of life, wisdom (this is what the older generation often possesses, and parents sometimes
• They are offended: “I wish you raised me like that in your time, as your grandson is now!”).

Parents give the child a model of relationships with the world and with each other. Is the relationship calm, benevolent, active or evaluating, distrusting, punishing? In the author's TV program of Andrey Maksimov "Night Flight" dated 01/21/2002. M.M. Zhvanetsky said that a parent should not invest conscience in a child, but show him that he, a parent, has a conscience. Otherwise, where else would a child see it? Conscience tells us where we are wrong: offended, violated the law of human society - wished not our own, borrowed what did not belong to us, did not help, deceived, etc. No one is immune from such actions and mistakes, but the child must see that it hurts and that the parent admits this pain, suffering. An adult who understands the soul of a child suffers even if he has caused suffering to a child.

So understanding It is also about self-understanding and self-education.

Often we bring up children not according to science (and who knows?), but according to faith, the faith that was formed from beliefs in childhood: we must be brought up the way we were brought up. And often in such programs there is a desire to take revenge, to win back (after all, now I am a king and a god!). Behind such an attitude, it is difficult to see the individuality of the child. One must strive to avoid petty pedagogical self-interest, the purpose of which is: “I want to be well thought of!” The child always feels this, because his interests remain in the background. It is impossible to raise children without sacrificing anything.

But there are children who are so loved and powerful in the family that they rule over their parents, easily controlling them. This is also a variant of misunderstanding of the child. Misunderstandings that lead to uncontrollability and to the fact that the child is poorly oriented in roles: who is who, who is in charge and responsible for what, where restrictions come. He does not understand himself, because his relatives did not want to understand him.

Here is Simon Soloveichik's statement on this subject: “Parents, who are a source of tension, displeasure, inconvenience, and danger for a child, are like a radio station that no one catches, although it spends enormous energy”

Upbringing This is work with no guarantee. The forces of the parent should be distributed reasonably: for their own happiness and the happiness of the child. A child will learn to be happy if he observes this skill in his parents; he will be responsive if parents are responsive to their parents and other people; he will be brave, conscientious, decent ...

But at the same time, he will also be himself, for understanding means tolerance for the unlike. It should be understood that the child, although it is a continuation of the parents, is still not their exact copy. Sometimes he takes some qualities from both parents, sometimes not the best. But this is just yours - why be angry with a child? Now he needs help!

The child is not a appendage and not an appendage to the life of the parents. He is his own destiny. Parents temporarily accompany him in this life, with love and patience revealing in the child all the best, talented, capable. But for this, the child is not obliged to live the life of his parents and realize their failed dreams!

Parental love must be combined with exactingness arising from understanding oneself, the goals of education, understanding the character and soul of the child, understanding life. It is important not only to understand a child, but also to be able to express his understanding, so that the child feels understanding with a word, pause, intonation, deed, response speed, laughter, crying. The main thing is indifference and hard work.