What to do if a child does not want to share his toys. Why children don’t want to share their toys and what to do about it 6-year-old daughter doesn’t want to share toys

03.01.2024 Climax

"I'm not greedy!" How to help your child learn to share. What should an adult do to avoid conflict?

If another child wants to take your toy, but he resists:

Talk to the child who comes up, try to switch his attention to something neutral (“Oh, what a beautiful dress you have...”);

Offer to exchange toys or give another toy that is not so “dear to your heart” (you need to take several of these toys with you);

Involve the children in joint activities: “Look what a tower of pebbles I am building, give me the pebbles, together we will make a big beautiful tower...”

When the awkward situation is overcome, your baby did not throw a tantrum, and maybe even agreed to let him hold the toy, be sure to note his correct behavior, say that you were pleased to see how he shares with others (asks for permission to take someone else’s toy). Don't forget to praise your child for his kindness and generosity.

At home, read fairy tales, stories, stories about how bad it is to be greedy and how good it is to share.

If a conflict has already occurred:

Do not yell at the child, do not spank, in an excited state the baby does not accept explanations, so first the children need to be separated and calmed down;

Calmly say that it’s time to go home (to the store, etc.), then grab your child with his treasures and slowly leave the “battlefield” after the baby has calmed down, you can discuss the situation, this would also be appropriate a fairy tale or story on the topic;

If children are fighting or crying, you need to show patience and wisdom, separate them in different directions, you can try to distract them with a hidden toy that suddenly appears.

How to help your child learn to share?

A person who has a sense of ownership can be kind and generous. He gives not because it is necessary, but because he wants to bring joy and to rejoice himself together with others. You can train a child so that he will give because he has to, but in this case he will feel dissatisfaction, a contradiction between emotions and action.

The example of close people is very important - mother, father, grandmother, older sister. If it is customary in the family to give gifts to friends, help relatives, provide gratuitous services (helping an old grandmother-neighbor), charity (even something as small as begging on the street) - the child will be sure that such behavior is not a feat, but “a common thing.”

Talk to your child about toys and things he can give away, give to a neighbor's child, to a poor family, etc. Ask why he chose this particular item. If you see that the baby is really not sorry to part with the toy, he does not doubt his choice, the time of giving comes. It is important that the person to whom the item was given is sincerely grateful and says kind words to the donor (if it is a child, adults should help).

Already at 2 years old, a child can make gifts to loved ones with his own hands. There are several positive aspects here: the child creates, tries to give a gift to a specific person, he gets pleasure from the fact that others highly appreciated his efforts, it is easier for him to part with his work. You can make a picture, bookmark, postcard, etc. (of course, with the active help of an adult for now).

Involve your child in choosing gifts and in the presentation process. It is important that the gift does not turn out to be something that your child really wants to have. Let the child participate in the congratulations and hear words of gratitude from the recipient.

It is desirable that the child has a wide circle of friends, guests often come to the house, and he himself goes to visit.

Play out various life situations: the bear’s birthday (guests arrive with gifts, he greets, treats, entertains), etc.

My daughter grew up, and the question arose: “What to do if a child does not share toys”? When my long-awaited little princess was born, I already had experience in how to gradually teach a baby to share toys with other children.

Behavior algorithm for mothers when a child does not want to share his toys

How should mothers behave in a situation where the child does not share toys and quarrels begin over toys? After reading a lot of literature, I came to the understanding that solving this problem of children's greed will require about six months of patience, remarkable endurance, combined with ingenuity in reconciling with the toddler. What causes the situation itself when a child does not share toys? According to child psychologists, most children perceive their toys, especially their favorite ones, at this age as part of themselves. For example, a baby loves a toy so much that even when going outside, he doesn’t want to part with it. It is clear that when a child sits down to play in the sandbox with her, she does not share the toy with anyone.

By defending his right to own it, the baby seems to be protecting a piece of his “I”. As soon as parents begin to look at it from this position, they come to understand that sometimes a situation in which a child does not share toys is normal. Having gone through this period of a kind of selfishness and childish greed (even if the baby does not share now with his siblings), he will later learn generosity. Agree that awareness of the expression: “This is someone else’s” can only be achieved by feeling that: “This is mine.”

First of all, you need to understand how the mother should react to the situation if the child does not share toys.

Be sensitive to your baby's emotions. The desire to possess something of your own and to protect it from encroachment is quite normal. This even indicates that your little one is developing correctly. The most common mistake mothers make is to force them to share toys, take them away from the baby, or force him to obediently give everything (even to the younger sibling in the family). Mothers also do not act in the best way if they themselves begin to call their little ones greedy. Understand that at the moment when he defends his position, he needs support from you, not offensive words.
It is better to have calm conversations in the first stages of the manifestation of such childish greed: “Now Kiryusha is small and does not share toys, but soon he will grow up and will share and change with other kids.” This is if you want programming of the future.

How to teach a child to share toys, as an option, teach your child to share.

Show your little one day after day that you can safely offer a replacement. What to do in a situation when there are 2 kids in a family and a conflict due to the fact that one of them does not share toys flares up instantly with crying and sometimes even fights. It is a mistake to act by persuasion: “Let Mashenka touch your bunny, she won’t eat it, she’ll just touch it, maybe chew it a little and give it back.” So the little one begins to think that you always take his side, and even love someone more than him. Sometimes it’s enough to remind someone who wants to take a toy: “You need to give something in return from your toys. Bring something to change.” This trick is taught to children in nursery groups.
Encourage your treasure to express his feelings, emotions, and most importantly, treat this without public condemnation and criticism (after all, he shares in search of support from you). Play the role of peacemaker, trying to explain to your child the motives of others. “It’s very difficult for little children like you to learn to share, they don’t yet understand that the toy will be returned to them, right?” When the baby nodded, this is your small victory. You should continue with something like: “Soon you will learn to share toys and give them to children, and they will give you their toys, right?” There are cunning people and little manipulators who even say: “I don’t know how to share yet.” This requires some cunning. Let me show you how to do it again...

Why is it important to behave this way if the baby does not share?

Your child does not hear hurtful words from you, which are already forcing him, as if to defend himself, pulling out thorns.
The kid knows that he is not bad or greedy, he’s just still small, and doesn’t know how to do everything yet, but he should learn very soon.
By sharing toys, you can learn how to brush your teeth and hold a spoon.

How to use fairy tales to teach sharing toys.

When putting your baby to bed, you can come up with various educational tales yourself. Sometimes let it be stories about quarrels over toys. Here is the simplest plot. Petya did not like to share his cars with anyone, and one day the fairy saw an offended boy who was crying with frustration because Petya not only took his toy, but also pushed the boy, and she bewitched all the toys. By the end of the fairy tale, you need to come up with circumstances in which Petya shares his cars and a miracle happens, the toys return and even a new car appears.

Discuss rules of conduct.

Sometimes it works. An example of the rules of one large family:

The one who starts playing is the one who adds up after everyone else.
Don't throw toys.
Don't bite, don't pinch.
Whoever took the toy first plays with it for a while.
You can’t take it away, you can change, share toys.

Improvise, because every family and child is unique. The good thing about the rules is that in dangerous moments, when conflict is brewing, you can simply remind them of the rules...

When guests arrive, in order to avoid damage to your favorite toys (this happened to us with the musical bug, which also glowed), put them higher. At the same time, explain to your baby that you are not hiding them forever, but putting the toys to bed for a while so that they are bright and beautiful.

Child psychologists write that children who are afraid of losing not a toy, but their mother are usually not inclined to share. Express your love to your kids more often, so that they understand that mom will always be there, regardless of whether the baby has toys or not, she will play with him.

Rule No. 1: there are personal toys, and there are shared toys

The difficulty with the birth of a second child is that all toys are perceived by the older child as personal. You shouldn’t create a second pile nearby just for the baby - it’s time to build a common space.

A child’s personal toys are like an adult’s personal belongings. Would you give your sister a car or a laptop just because she is the youngest or is very loud in her demands? And if they snatch a brand new iPhone from your hands and say that they will return it safe and sound, just to play with it a little, will you like it?

You need to treat every family member with respect, even the smallest one. Give your child a box for his personal toys and let him put all his most precious things in it. Explain that these are his things, and he himself has the right to dispose of them: to give or not to give to others, to change or not.

What to do with other personal items? You can put them in opaque boxes and place them higher. You can put it away along with other resting toys in the pantry or other storage place. So, as a result, there is a baby’s personal box, and let all other toys be perceived by children as shared by default.

Comment on the article "Two children: how to share toys. 3 simple tips"

I suggest starting with a cartoon!

And what? You can teach sharing and giving in with the help of cartoons - after all, all children love them. Adults just need to choose the right ones.

For example, my sons enjoy watching the cartoon about Trotro the donkey. And I found an episode about how Trotro didn't want to share his toys. Look here:

If I had one child, we would be a little less likely to face the need to share with other children. For example, only on the playground. But I'm having twins! :)

Example from life

My sons are already 2 years old. And recently they began to have clashes and energetic sharing with loud cries of “Yessss!” and “I-I-I-I!”

You know, at such moments I get a little lost...

It can even be difficult for an adult to understand why a child needs exactly that toy that is now in the hands of another. Despite the fact that there is exactly the same one nearby.

But no, you need exactly the one in the hands of your brother. And the brother, in turn, is unpleasantly surprised that he must urgently give back what is his. : (

By the way, our friend a child psychologist answered my question “should a child share toys?” answered:

“You can’t expect innate generosity. This is not inherent in nature. The baby explores the world around him.
And at this time, everything that interests him, everything that he likes automatically becomes “his.” And he cannot suddenly – on our orders – take and understand everything about greed and generosity.”
We need to be patient and gradually teach the child to share.”

If I buy cars for my sons, then, of course, two :)

Sometimes they are the same, but sometimes they are different. And recently my uncle gave us beautiful plush whales and sharks. They are somewhat similar, but at the same time different.

I think in such cases it is better to let the children first choose what they like best. And then explain that now the shark belongs to one of them, and the whale to the other.

After all, no matter what you say, it is very important to introduce a child to the fact that there is not only “one’s own”, but also “someone else’s”.

Although, sometimes the introduction to the concept of “yours is not yours” can be too harsh, in my opinion.

When we walk outside, we often put our toys on the playground so that the other children and mine can play with them.

And it happens that other parents immediately tell their kids: “You can’t! This is someone else's! and quickly take them away. Even though I tell them: “You can! Play with us! : (

It seems to me that force and rudeness cannot be used to explain any rules or teach a child to share.

Point of view

1. I think the main thing in this matter is caution and gentleness. There is no need to scold the baby, call him “mean” and “greedy.” There is no need to take away the toy and give it to someone else.

2. Imagine the other extreme - if you managed to suppress the child and teach him to always give everything on demand! Feel guilty with every accusation of greed or redneckness!

This is real psychological trauma! In addition, there could easily be people - in the yard or at school - who would begin to take advantage of his resignation and simplicity. They will take everything from him, offend him...

3. It is very useful to put yourself in the children's shoes.

Imagine that our mother or boss comes up to us adults and takes away our phone or computer (chair, wallet, favorite cup - whatever). And he gives it to our neighbor or colleague.

Would you like this? Will this teach you to share?..

This is, of course, an exaggeration. But it makes it clearer what our sons and daughters can experience if we act rashly.

4. As Carlson said, what is needed here is “calmness, only calmness.” And understanding if the child does not want to share.

He is still small and not familiar with moral standards. He is only just beginning to encounter the concept of “good and bad.” What can he be accused of?! It seems to me that our task is not to force sharing, but to teach to be generous!

Watch this interesting video with advice from a psychologist:

What should we do anyway?

I thought a lot about what to do if a child does not share toys. And it seemed to me that, to begin with, we could present lessons on generosity as an exchange. After all, if a baby receives something new in return for his property, he is interested and not offended.

Just don’t miss two important points:

1. Be sure to emphasize that the exchange is only for a while.

Another boy (or another girl) will play with the toy and give it back. And we need to make sure that they actually return it - then the children will be calm and confident, they will trust.

2. Concessions are a two-way thing.

And here the principle “you - to me, I - to you” fits perfectly! For example, at the site we often offer our balance bikes, and in return we ask you to ride a scooter or bicycle.

After all, many of you have experience in raising children and some ideas on how to teach your child to share... Write about it in the comments :)

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At a certain point, from about two years old, Alina stopped sharing her toys. Although I used to give everything to any child. Egorka grew up, and the situation repeated itself. Of course, I really wanted my kids to share, change and communicate with other children. But if a child does not want to give away something of his own, that is his full right. Despite the tears of the other baby and the persuasion of the mother.

In a situation where Alina or Egor did not want to give toys to other children, I always remained on the side of my little ones. And I didn’t even think about scolding them, saying that they were greedy, or, worst of all, taking the toy away and giving it to another (someone else’s) child.

And indeed, if they asked me for a thing that I need (or I just don’t want to give it without any reason), then the outcome would be obvious. The thing would remain with me, no matter how much they tried to persuade me, no matter how much they stomped their feet and no matter how much they called me “greedy.”

Children, starting from two years old, perceive toys as part of themselves. And the intention of one child to take the toys of another at a given period of life is regarded as interference in personal space.

Very often, while walking with children in the park, we saw a picture of a mother scolding her child for not sharing. In this case, the following phrases are used: “how greedy you are,” “how ugly you acted,” “no one will share with you either,” etc. And in the end, having not received the desired result, some mothers simply take away the subject of the dispute from their baby and give it to another.

The result of such upbringing is a crying child who does not understand at all why he was scolded, and even his favorite toy was taken away. But the most incomprehensible thing in this situation is that the mother came to the defense of a child completely alien to her.

Read also: What to do if your child is lying and how to stop him from lying

If your child does not share toys, never do this:

Don't say that he is greedy and does bad things. These are his toys, the baby has the right to dispose of them as he wants.
Don't take away a toy to give to another child. For children, such an act by their mother is tantamount to betrayal.
Don't apologize to the mother of a child who asks your son or daughter for something. This is a normal situation and your baby has the right not to share.
Don't let other parents tell you your child is greedy.
You should not make your baby feel guilty because another child is crying. In this situation, the owner of the toy is not to blame for anything. But the mother just has to explain to the other baby that there are their own toys and there are strangers that belong to other children.
Do not forbid your child to take away a toy that has already been taken from him. Just explain that this needs to be done politely, without using physical force. If it doesn’t work out, then contact the child’s mother so that she can pick up and give the toy back.

The fact that Alina and Egor are reluctant to share their toys on the street does not bother me much. However, they cannot always come to a compromise with each other. That is why I had the question “How to teach a child to share?”

If you still want your baby to share the toy, then:

Read also: Bad habits in children: prevention and solutions

Sometimes I use a forbidden technique and offer Egor or Alina something very tasty in return (or something that they have been asking for a long time). It works flawlessly. But! Objectively, this is a bad way. He doesn't teach sharing because they are brother and sister. This is a kind of bribery that devalues the feeling of friendship.
Egor sometimes shares if you ask him politely. For example, “Egor, please give me the car.” But if Alina yells at him and tries to take it away, then naturally he won’t give anything back.
When there is only one toy, but two people want to play, we try to establish a turn. At the same time, I control this process until the end of the game, since it is difficult for children to navigate in time.
Very often I tell my kids the same age that they are brother and sister, that they love each other and that it is very important to be able to share (toys, candy, etc.). Of course, this is not a quick-acting method. But by the age of two, Egor, having taken candy for himself, asks for candy for Alina. Which makes me very happy.

But if no amount of persuasion helps, don’t be discouraged. These are just features of age. When your child makes friends, he will be happy to play with them, share and exchange toys.

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