Marriage is a union between two people who, at least once in their lives, have a desire to be with each other and who have had a relationship with each other at least once. Despite the fact that times and situations change, some marriages resist evolution and subsequently develop into a ballistic, mutually acceptable, dry agreement. If you have exactly that marriage in which passion has dissolved, and you have an affair and are trying to understand a person who is not as interested in the intimate side of marriage as before, you need to approach the relationship with a certain degree of criticality, but also understanding. When dealing with a spouse who is “turned into a bigot”, you need to stock up on time, patience, and continue to believe in commitment to keep your marriage alive.

Difficulty: moderately difficult.

Prepare:
- computer;
- flowers, sweets, gifts.

1. Evaluate and discuss your marriage with your wife in an open and honest way. Sit together with no distractions and no strangers around, and discuss your marriage and its lack of intimacy. Never call your wife a prude, because she may be offended by this definition of yours. Be sure to make sure that this conversation you started during the calm period of the relationship between you, and that it does not immediately escalate into a major quarrel or active disagreement with you. Arrange the conversation in a pleasant way: you should not take your wife to a restaurant, for a walk or to the beach, and raising such a topic there is simply inappropriate, but to create a rather nice and calm environment at home - dim a little the light, cook a good dinner (without candles), pour a glass of wine - it will be just right.

2. Talk about the lack of intimacy in marriage. Calmly, but honestly and openly, tell your wife why you feel isolated and rejected due to the lack of physical intimacy between you. Ask your wife to tell you bluntly why she doesn't feel like marrying you. It is very important during the entire conversation to completely control yourself, not to push and remain completely calm. In the end, you have no right to demand something from another person and blame something in this particular issue - you are here to find out the reason.
That being said, keep in mind that if your marriage has always lacked intimacy and romance from the start, you may not be married to someone with a high level of passion and sex.

3. Offer to re-establish intimacy between the two of you on a vacation trip, or simply spend a romantic night together in a nice hotel. If your wife agrees, first arrange a romantic dinner at the restaurant, reserve a hotel room and have a bouquet of flowers and champagne / wine delivered to your room before your arrival. Before heading to your hotel, send your wife flowers home - with a postcard or note stating that you look forward to spending time together.

4. Start giving your wife compliments and cute little gifts as often as possible. Keep in mind that many women experience a lack of desire for intimate relationships or a lack of passion if they feel unwanted or unappreciated and deserved. On a daily basis, start telling your wife that you find her attractive, that you appreciate everything she does; compliment her on her appearance, cooking, parenting, and anything else that you think might make her feel important to you.

5. Work to reconnect with your wife by touching her hand as you sit in front of the TV, kissing her cheek as you walk out together, and make sure you tell her often enough that you love her. ...

Additions and Warnings:

If all of the above attempts fail, talk to your wife about starting visiting a marriage counselor to find out the reason for the lack of desire between you;

Never threaten your wife with divorce or cheating because of lack of sex, unless you are completely confident that divorce will be a real relief for each of you.

A hypocrite is a person who demonstratively preaches and follows moral and ethical standards, but really does not accept them. This position in life can be called formal piety. Often, behind the mask of bigotry, there is shame, guilt, or a kind of attempt to whitewash oneself due to a deliberate violation of the norms that a person is promoting. A relationship with a prude can be a serious test for their colleagues and partners, so it is sometimes extremely important to find the first warning beacons in the early stages of building a relationship. So, first things first.

As it becomes clear from the above, a prude is more a person with a special type of behavior than any serious psychological problem... Although, of course, there may be certain difficulties behind such a line of behavior. What are the key features of prude behavior:

However, it happens that the prude is more a person of circumstances than a philosophy of life. Bigotry can develop as a pathological form of coping with prolonged anxiety, unprocessed shame, or as a delayed reaction to overly rigid parenting standards in childhood.

On the other hand, the reasons for bigotry can lie in the desire for self-affirmation (as a form of an inferiority complex) or in a latent or conscious desire to dominate in any relationship.

Connection with hypocrisy

Is hypocrisy different from hypocrisy? In general, a hypocrite and a hypocrite are in the same row, but there are several fundamental differences:

On the other hand, some practicing psychotherapists recognize that sometimes being a prude is trying to defend your right to individuality, but in a not very productive way.

For example, in a situation of strong social pressure, a person who does not agree with the foundations of a given group may consciously or not resort to the tactics of external acceptance of rules. In a grotesque form, such behavior can make a person a prude, and if such a mismatch between group values ​​and personal values ​​is not eliminated in other ways, then a person prone to bigotry can extend a similar style of behavior to other situations.

In neurotic individuals, bigotry can develop as a response to unacceptable, shameful acts. A classic example is the monasteries of the 13-14 centuries, where the ideas of celibacy were preached, but often the most zealous adherents of such a philosophy turned out to be the most lascivious novices.

Cynicism connection

Cynicism is a denial of cultural values ​​and traditions, an immoral attitude towards the latter. This concept also includes a demonstrative refusal to follow established norms (morality and law). However, in the case of cynicism, everything happens exactly the opposite, a person too directly expresses his dissatisfaction with the established norms, promoting his vision of the situation, and often imposing.

It is important to note that neither hypocrisy nor cynicism is publicly approved. At the same time, it does not matter - simply because an ordinary person is not interested in the reason - whether the hypocrisy is conscious or not, and cynicism - feigned or real. At the household level, a prude is an ordinary hypocrite, and a cynic is a marginal, unable to fit into society.

In general, both phenomena are inherently a form of denial of social requirements, but bigotry is a perversion of norms, and cynicism is their open rejection.

Religious bigotry

Let's go back to the example with the monks. Previously, such cases were the exception rather than the rule. Religious and ethical norms were the pillar of the social system, and religion was the ultimate truth. However, with the development of society, beliefs began to fade into the background or turn into modern management tools.

Religious hypocrisy is a phenomenon based on the zealous propaganda of religious and spiritual norms and values ​​(each trend has its own), without their real observance or full faith in them. This type of bigotry is found, both in official creeds, and in sects of a near-religious persuasion.

Moreover, bigotry is not uncommon in fanatic circles. In particular, many terrorist organizations are based on very noble goals: equality, a unified system of laws, independence, various social benefits, but their methods are obviously contrary to their ideas.

Distinctive features

A prude is a person who hides his true views. But as we already understood, there are certain "symptoms" by which we can try to identify such a person.

1. Serious gap between word and deed. This is especially noticeable in matters relating to ethical standards.
2. Often, demonstrative positioning of their good qualities and purity of intentions. At the same time, deception does not disappear from the actions of such people.
3. Attributing oneself to people of "high morality", pious, adherents of strict morality.
4. Audience as a hallmark. It is easy to publicly complain about the immorality of society.
5. Sometimes a feeling of guilt can be traced in behavior, a person appeals to his past experience, comparing himself “yesterday” and “today”, talking about moral growth.

How to fix

Rather, he is a man of reason, whose behavior is based on certain difficulties that he could not overcome in adequate ways. As we said, it can be guilt, fear, insecurity, and also poor adaptability to rapidly changing living conditions.

In the case when the reasons are guilt or self-doubt, then it is necessary to work out these states within the framework of psychological practices. In particular, individual psychotherapy sessions, as well as art therapy, will help with guilt. In the case of uncertainty, group sessions and trainings.

The general recipe is this: bigotry is a symptom, and to get rid of it, you need to deal with its root cause.

In rare cases, bigotry gradually develops in a person with some severe disorders. Among them there may be certain forms of delirium (sinfulness, for example), and a person by such behavior tries to "atone" for his guilt. In any case, behavior rapidly developing in this direction (if it is unusual for a specific person) - a reason to visit a specialist.

The concept of "bigotry" traditionally arose in medieval Europe as a definition for people with special character traits - falsely pious and pseudo spiritual. Over time, this concept has transformed into real life and acquired a broader meaning.

Hypocrisy as an element of psychology

Very often in everyday life you can hear a common expression: - "He's a prude!" Most often it refers to people who are hypocritical and two-faced. In fact, the definition of bigotry is a slightly different content and, accordingly, speaks of the special properties of behavioral culture:

1. A person often speaks of "high matters", earthly and spiritual benefits, is overly religious. However, the style of his behavior does not correspond at all with his words and, often, such an individual will not come to the aid of a person in need, will offend a weaker one, write off his blame on his neighbor and so on;
2. The bigot is inclined to teach, to cite all kinds of examples from the lives of his acquaintances to prove his words, or to quote the biography of great people: discoverers, artists, artists, athletes and others. This is done with the aim of imposing one's own system of values ​​and instilling false truths about the kindheartedness of the narrator, his correct views on life. At the same time, the prude himself is prone to commercialism, deliberate deception, substitution and distortion of facts (for his own justification) inappropriate boast;
3. The nobility and disinterested participation of a prude person is very conditional. He gives only those things and commits only those actions that do not bring him significant burdens. If the "necessary" and "important" affect the field of his own interests, the prude will either not be able to help disinterestedly or (provided there is no choice) he will endlessly reproach with a "piece of bread", elevate himself and his help, put the once turned into awkward, inconvenient and eternal dependent position.

A lie that aims to create an image of "Christian" and "victim". The bigot will always pretend to be a "good Samaritan" who provides for everyone or withstands serious moral stress for the good of someone. Such a fly man inflates the elephant and does not understand the expression "temporary participation" or "help." Moreover, he will do everything in his power to make this temporary assistance permanent and full-scale. The thought that someone can do without him and that there will no longer be a reason to build out of himself “the most important and most disinterested” is simply unbearable for the bigot.

The difference between hypocrisy and hypocrisy and arrogance

The main differences between hypocrisy and ordinary hypocrisy and arrogance are its narrow focus. Most often, prude manifests itself as a persistent violation of the processes of self-awareness and self-determination in only one area - family, social, labor, and so on. Mechanisms of lies, duplicity, beautiful words turn on only at certain points in time and under certain conditions - for example, to hide guilt for a bad deed.

Hypocritical people with high self-esteem behave the same under any circumstances and at any time.

Hypocrisy in religion and culture

Back in the 15th century, Noam Chomsky wrote that a “bigot” is one who applies standards to others that he refuses to apply to himself. For the definition of the spiritual and religious component, this definition fits perfectly.

How does a religious prude behave?

He creates the appearance of a true believer who observes all the commandments and canons. However, in reality, the behavior of this person is far from the norms of morality and ethics.

Confession means little to a bigot. In other words, he does not feel guilty for what he has done, he only understands that it is "bad" and reports it. His main goal is to coax the abbot, the holy father, to come to him at any time to cry, in each story creating a reason for self-praise;

Subtle exposure of other people's shortcomings. In an effort to cover up his own flaws and imperfections in the religious, socio-cultural life, the prude will always look for weaker people or those who make mistakes. This is done for the purpose of psychological harassment of a person, writing off their mistakes on him, resonating against the background of a more imperfect person.

Moral persecution. The prude never shuns showing off, resentment when disagreeing with his opinion, betrayal, and the like. Therefore, until the moral and ethical image of the bigot reaches the state that he needs, he will go over their heads and apply all methods of influence.

Absolute illiteracy. Often, people with erased moral guidelines do not consider it necessary to delve into other people's problems or master new subjects. They have enough of the knowledge, skills and abilities that they have already acquired in the process of studying / working at their place. They strictly ignore and suppress other methods and new knowledge, considering it heresy and violation of general rules.