Today I found a sad statistic. It turns out that about 80% of men leave families with a sick child. And this applies not only (and not so much) to cases when the baby is born handicapped, but also to those situations when the child falls ill at a conscious age - at five or ten years old. Let's say cancer. Of course, I remember that there are three kinds of lies - lies, damned lies and statistics. Therefore, perhaps, the voiced percentages should be greatly reduced - by a third or a half. But there is definitely a trend. Not without reason, in hospitals for seriously ill children, psychologists “prepare” women for the fact that their husbands may not stand the test. At best, they will help with money. At worst, they just fade away.

What are the reasons for this phenomenon? I don’t know what serious experts say about this, but forum users (mostly females) have several points of view. The most common - "because they are all goats" (they are men, of course) - we will immediately discard. Not interesting and not constructive. Other theories can be classified as evolutionary, social or psychological.

Evolutionary: Men are focused on the reproduction of offspring, and women - on its preservation. It is clear that in this situation, it is much more profitable for men to have another healthy child than to invest in a sick offspring.

Social: In our society, the attitude towards the sick and the disabled is what you know. The presence of a handicapped child affects the social status of a man, significantly reduces his self-esteem and has a bad effect on other important things for the stronger sex.

Psychological: Men are not adapted to nursing the sick, to monotonous activities that do not bring visible results (well, of course, only women are capable of this - who would doubt it :)). They are problem solving oriented. And if the problem is not solved (as in the case of a hopelessly ill child), they prefer to eliminate themselves.

To be honest, I don't like any of these theories - they don't convince me, you know. But the idea expressed by an employee of one of the children's hospices seems interesting and worthy of attention. According to her observations, those fathers who, in general, did not take a special part in their upbringing, leave families with sick children.

Such a "classic" scheme. A child is born. The mother around him jumps, runs, does not allow the man to him - all of a sudden he does something wrong or inadvertently overexerts himself. All issues related to the child, decides independently. A father is a wallet or a burden - anyone but a full-fledged partner in raising his own child. And when a child suddenly falls ill, dad does not understand what is needed from him and how he can be useful. He did not know before what to do with the child (these are women's affairs, not men's), and now he is generally at a loss.

You can throw stones at me, but I, in principle, understand why many men immediately refuse children born with disabilities. Well, there is no such thing as the unconditional fatherly love that appears as if by magic after the words "Darling, you will soon become a dad." This love grows gradually - from observing and caring for a child, playing and talking together, caring for him and thinking about his future. Physical actions generate a spiritual response. And if they don't, there won't be any love. Yes, there is a child. Yes, I am a father. What that means is not clear. Emotional connection with the child, attachment to him - what are you talking about?

In such cases, the departure of the father from a sick child is a completely natural thing. They fight, suffer and worry about what they put their soul and strength into. And how much was invested in the child? And by whom?

A father who took care of his child from birth - rejoiced at the first smile and first tooth, read bedtime stories and taught him to swim, watched cartoons with him and talked about "life", is unlikely to run away if some kind of attack happens to his child. Even the scariest one. I firmly believe in it. But the one who was the father so, nominally, may well be eliminated.

The father of a disabled child. The data of sociological surveys are disappointing, a third of the fathers of special children leave the family and never see the child. Why do dads do this?

Father! How much of this word! When a person is born, of course, the mother becomes the center of the universe for him. Each of us is literally connected with the mother, and this connection is not interrupted throughout life. The second most important, of course, is the father. If mom is our integral part, then dad is the conductor of the world, a person who is able to explain and show its structure.

The full development of any child is possible only in a harmonious family, where there is both a mother and a father. A father for a child is always protection and support, a person who will lend a shoulder and help in a difficult situation. The relationship between parents is a model of a child's behavior in the adult world. Especially when it comes to a child with disabilities, because it is doubly difficult for him to adapt and find himself in life.

The birth of a special child is a kind of family test of strength. Everyone goes through it as best they can. However, for some reason, it is the dads who often give up, and the mothers do not abandon their child and fight to the end.

Why do dads do this?

The father of a child with a disability... The data of sociological surveys are disappointing, a third of the fathers of special children leave the family and never see the child. Why does the stronger sex show weakness at such a difficult moment for family life?

You need to understand that the father, who learned about the disability of the child, is in a state of extreme stress. His ideas about the meaning of life and the role of the family in this life are distorted. A guilt complex, a feeling of anger, and sometimes severe despair and depression appear.

For any man, the idea of ​​procreation is very important. Many dads perceive the birth of a special child as an indicator of their failure and inferiority. It is very difficult for many to accept such a child, and dads leave to make more “successful” attempts.

After the birth of any child, especially with disabilities, the mother completely and completely "goes into him." The second half may show a feeling of jealousy, especially if the child is the firstborn. This is the cause of discord in many families.

Naturally, each case is individual, and no one has the right to condemn if the father of a disabled child has made a choice in favor of creating a new family.

There is that special feeling that keeps dad from taking a fatal step. This is fatherly love. Unlike the mother, it is formed gradually, it takes some time and close contact with the baby. A mother loves her child simply for what he is, but with a father everything is much more complicated. They love children for something specific, for example, for the future, which symbolizes their child.

When a disabled child is born, dreams of the future become more elusive. It is very difficult to accept and start a fight, only truly strong personalities are capable of this. It is difficult to accept a child for who he is. However, the attitude of both parents to the child is a test of the family for strength and readiness for difficulties. Quite often you can find cases when the appearance of a special child, on the contrary, unites the family, because overcoming difficulties unites and makes warriors out of people, real like-minded people.

In the mid-twentieth century, the role of the father in the life of a special child was studied by American researchers. According to their data, disabled children whose fathers took an active part in the upbringing of their children showed better results in motor and mental development. Also, such children adapt much better in society.

According to statistics, two-thirds of the fathers of special children do not leave the family, but continue to fight side by side with the mother of their child. And sometimes, they become both a father and a mother for their child, because mothers are also not always able to come to terms with the appearance of a special child, especially thanks to our guardianship authorities, who urge the mother to abandon such a “burden” and forget about the fate of the child, providing this the state.

Celebrities with disabilities

It must be remembered that a disabled child is the same child as everyone else, only special. These features are often invisible to others.

There are plenty of examples of celebrities of the first magnitude who have specific disabilities. For example, Stevie Wonder, a blind musician. His dark glasses and unchanging smile became his calling card. The winner of numerous prizes and awards lost his sight at a very young age. This did not stop him from achieving incredible success.

Esther Vergeer. The tennis player is from Holland. World famous wheelchair athlete. At the age of nine, after an unsuccessful operation on the spine, she lost her legs. This illness did not prevent her from becoming a multiple winner of Grand Slam tournaments, a seven-time world champion, and a winner of four Olympiads. Vergeer is a two-time winner of the Best Athlete with a Disability Award.

Marley Matlin. American actress. At the age of one and a half, she was diagnosed with a hearing impairment, but, in spite of everything, at the age of seven, her parents sent her to the children's theater. When she was 21 years old, Matlin was awarded the first award in her career - "Oscar" for her debut film "Children Less Than God". Thus, the disease did not prevent her from becoming the youngest ever winner of the award in the nomination "for the best female role."

Christy Brown. The Irishman was born with a diagnosis of cerebral palsy. The child could not even walk, was far behind in development, everyone considered him unpromising, everyone except his parents. The family lived rather poorly. The boy could only control his left foot, it became a kind of instrument. With his foot he began to draw and write. Brown not only learned to read, write and speak, but became a world-famous writer and artist. A film was made about this amazing man, the script for which he wrote himself.

Chris Nolan. His mother did not want to put up with a severe form of cerebral palsy in a child. For the first years of his life, the boy could not move at all. But my mother did exercises with him, read poetry and books. Gradually, the child began to move around, and when he grew up, he learned to type on a typewriter. Now he is a famous poet.

As we can see, an ailment perceived by society as a disability or inferiority is just a feature of a person and this feature does not at all mean the end of a full life. Often, our society is not ready to accept such people, and only the love and support of those closest to us helps to overcome all obstacles and reach seemingly unattainable heights.

This figure was named in the press center of KP - Vladimir by Lyubov Katz, who last year held the position of Commissioner for Children's Rights in the Vladimir Region.

Her press conference became a report not only on the work done, but also on the situation with the protection of children in the region. Lyubov Katz's term as Commissioner for Children's Rights expired in January, a post she held on a voluntary basis by decree of the governor. However, the LA recently adopted a law on the Ombudsman for Children, and at the end of March a new Ombudsman should appear - already “in law”. Excesses, as with the elections of the Public Chamber, are not expected - not the structure to share power between the governor and the Legislative Assembly.

The Commissioner for Children's Rights deals with the problems of children and families with children on a virtually voluntary basis, so not so much official as real information flows to him. Everyone who comes to the reception has his own pain, and sometimes tragedy. Last year, 612 people turned to the Children's Ombudsman for help. Four or five lawyers (all volunteers) constantly worked with Lyubov Katz, since most of the problems required legal intervention. Helped teachers, psychologists, including students.

Lyubov Katz spoke about her most vivid impressions of folk stories.

Neighbor stood up for raped girl

Thanks to all the caring people who came to us, - said Lyubov Katz. - It was just residents, neighbors who saw that the child was in trouble. For example, one woman who just goes to the village to visit someone came and said: “I know that a little village girl was raped, what will her fate be like next?”.

The fate of the girls immediately became interested. Without knowing either the last name or the name of the child, the staff of the Ombudsman for the Rights of the Child managed to find out that she was in the hospital. And if the doctors reported to law enforcement agencies, as expected, and filed a case, then no one transmitted any data to the guardianship authorities. And the girl lived in a family with drinking parents, was left to herself, and that's why the misfortune happened. Only after the appeal of the Ombudsman for the Rights of the Child, the family was “taken under control”, and a psychologist began to work with the girl.

Families with many children "fell out" of preferential queues for housing

If in the case of a girl, albeit a tragic one, the commissioner was able to help, then very often there are situations when nothing can be done - only sympathize.

We were approached by families with many children who cannot solve the problem with housing in any way, - said Lyubov Katz. - Families with many children have dropped out of all federal housing programs: they are not entitled to any benefits, or subsidies, nothing.

In the Legislative Assembly, at the request of the commissioner, a law on supporting large families is now being considered, which will also address the issue of housing. In the meantime, people solve the problem as best they can. For example, according to Lyubvi Katz, the scandalous story of the removal of twin children from the family is connected precisely with this.

Parents live in a dorm room, and thus decided to raise a fuss, to advance in the queue for housing, she said. - First, they themselves handed over the children to an orphanage, and then they said that the twins were forcibly taken away, because of poor living conditions.

The problem of irresponsible fathers

Of course, I knew about the problem before, but at this post I came across closely and the numbers shocked me, - said Lyubov Katz. - About 10 thousand fathers in the region do not pay child support to their children! Dads, having heartlessly abandoned their families, do not help their child, and mom copes with everything alone.

They tried to look for a solution together with the bailiff service. Defenders of the rights of the child do not have legal powers, they tried to appeal to conscience: children drew posters on the theme “Daddy, pay child support”, and these drawings should be displayed in the city on banners. True, so far such social advertising is not visible in Vladimir.

The situation is even worse for children with disabilities. Allowance for the mother of a disabled child - 1200 rubles. As a rule, it is not possible to work for her - the child needs constant care. At the same time, as Lyubov Katz says, 80 percent of fathers leave their families after the birth of a disabled child, and far from everyone pays alimony.

By the way, about the same figure - 75% of runaway fathers - was called in the Give Life fund, which helps sick children with cancer. At the same time, mothers who left the family can be counted on the fingers.

How a mother with a sick child can survive on 1200 rubles is a good question for our authorities. By the way, even the free medicines due to disabled children are issued only after the Ombudsman for Children appeals to the prosecutor's office.

Society does not need children with disabilities at all. They are deprived of the opportunity to study even in special schools.

A mother came with a child with a complex defect, who is studying at a correctional school, - said Lyubov Katz. - Mom is single, she works, there are two children, except for her, there is no one to support. A disabled child must stay at school for an after-school, but the teachers do not take him - he needs to put on a diaper for a quiet hour, and this is "not their business." Can you imagine how much cynicism it comes to? Mom should quit work, pick up the child at one o'clock and go into niche.

Lyubov Kats in the press center "KP"

Children with autism are not taken to correctional schools at all - you have to mess around with them, use special techniques, and teachers are just too lazy. And to leave such a child at home is to deprive him of any hope of adapting to the world.

Dads don't want kids

On the story of non-payment of alimony, offended men, as a rule, declare that, on the other hand, they never give their children to court, the mother, they say, has more rights. For a year, as Lyubov Katz said, two people approached her with such a problem. That is, only two fathers in the entire region wanted to raise their children themselves. And in one case, the dispute was more about who should pay alimony to whom. And only one father is determined to take his son from his wife and raise him himself. And the Commissioner for Children's Rights helps him in every possible way.

Against the background of 10 thousand writ of execution for alimony, the figure is impressive.

High school students protest against kindergarteners in schools

Vladimir is the leader in queues for kindergartens. There are almost no queues in district centers, and they enroll in kindergarten from birth. In Vladimir, applications are accepted only from the year.

As a solution to the problem, Lyubov Katz sees the return of official buildings to kindergartens (one of these now houses the city's housing and communal services department, the other was transferred to the hospital and is empty). The organization of preschool groups at schools will help relieve kindergartens. And against the last point, the high school students suddenly rebelled.

Schoolchildren came to us and were indignant - there is no need to add kindergarteners to us, - said Lyubov Katz. - They said - we will interfere with them!

Tellingly, no one else - not even the parents of kindergarten students who are being transferred to schools - is outraged.

Teachers tried to cover up a school fight

Another scandalous story is connected with a fight at school - not because there was a fight, but because of the reaction of teachers. Last year, in the village of Stavrovo, teenage boys got into a fight at recess.

After that, the father of one of the guys came to school and beat the second student in the presence of teachers, - said Lyubov Katz. - When I asked to hold a meeting and invite me, they told me that they figured it out themselves and the case was closed. But I wanted to hear for myself how it happened: a man beat a child, and the teachers watched and no one intervened.

The injured boy was transferred to another school, the police took up the actions of the father-offender. But no one punished indifferent teachers.

BY THE WAY

Before the New Year, a woman who married an Egyptian and gave birth to a child in Egypt turned to the commissioner. Then she separated from her husband, and she managed to take the child home, to Vladimir. However, here she was denied citizenship for the child - they demanded the consent of the father, but will the Egyptian give it?

Only after the intervention of the commissioner for children's rights, the citizenship was issued to the baby, and he was able to receive a medical policy and, in general, everything that was supposed to be.

Statistics are a stubborn thing. But not always informative. But it can evoke strong emotions. A person looks at the numbers and the% sign and laughs, cries, praises, gets angry ... At the same time, it is not at all necessary to even try to understand something.

According to statistics, most families in which children with developmental disabilities are born break up, the fathers leave these families. Different experts give different data: someone talks about 10% of complete families raising disabled people, someone - about 5-8% ...

As a rule, this information is not analyzed, it is not the main topic of the statement, therefore the reader is left alone with the figures, independently thinking up the image of the father who left such a family.

In the minds of many inhabitants, such a father is an egoist, a coward, an irresponsible person. Most often, the problem is considered in this perspective. But in real life, things are not so simple.

This article is not an attempt to justify divorce, especially in families where such a disaster has occurred. This is just a call not to condemn (judging is not only sinful, but also unconstructive in the most mundane sense), but to understand - to understand the feelings of specific people who have not coped with the situation. And an attempt to remind that it is not known how I would have behaved if something happened, I had never been in such a situation, but I was ready to condemn those who did not cope with it.

To begin with, let's think about who these people are - the parents of a disabled child? Until relatively recently, they were the same as most of our fellow citizens - who grew up in Soviet or post-Soviet society, having the most vague idea of ​​​​normal family relationships, and not accustomed to the presence of people with disabilities in society. And now these people, often very young, are bombarded with the news that their newborn baby has severe developmental disabilities.

We omit the options when parents immediately refuse such a child. The first months and years of a child’s life pass - his father and mother are convinced that the violations are really serious, that there is no “magic pill” that can turn their child into the most ordinary one ...

Now much is written about the feelings of mothers, about how they experience different stages of grief. But for some reason, the same studies about the feelings of fathers are not visible. Perhaps they are, but even readers who are familiar with them, I think, will agree that in relation to articles about the feelings of mothers, their number is scanty.

Before thinking about the specific reasons for divorce in families raising children with disabilities, let's think about what begins to happen in such a family between husband and wife? A common option, alas, is this: instead of uniting even more and treating each other even more carefully, overcoming new difficulties, the spouses become opponents, claimants.

The same thing happens all the time in families where ordinary children grow up. But in a crisis family, this confrontation intensifies, sometimes mutual accusations are added to it, such as: “It is because of you that the child was born like this, it is something wrong in your family,” etc. Naturally, a woman is emotionally attached to the child is much larger than the father, she experiences the various states of her child more acutely. But does this mean that the father loves the child less?

In our society, with all the remnants of patriarchy, there is an almost pagan cult of the mother. And therefore, most often we hear an affirmative answer to this question: “Yes, a priori, the father loves the child less.” An exception is made for the father, who is trying to become a second mother to the child, that is, oriented in his manifestations in relation to the child to female behavior. In other cases, if the parents of a disabled child do not seek to become related and do not know how to negotiate, the man becomes the object of attacks for the woman.

Even if this is a person who sincerely loves his child, is socially successful and ready for difficulties. At the same time, no matter how a woman behaves in relation not only to her husband, but also to her child, she has, as many people think, an “iron” excuse - she is a mother. And if she is the mother of a disabled child, then this excuse turns into “steel”.

Meanwhile, it should be noted the obvious: the care of a child in such a mother does not always take normal forms. She often avoids contact with specialists, the child is subjected to maternal overprotection, the objectification of children is already - all this, alas, is not so rare. Nevertheless, when a man leaves such a family, it is customary to consider him an infantile egoist. And few people care about his feelings.

However, sometimes the question of the mental pain of the departing father still arises. I will tell you three stories, each of which is characteristic in its own way and can change someone's view of the problem of divorce in families where there are children with disabilities. The first of these stories is fictional - it is a work of art, a movie. The second is largely true, it is the plot of a popular TV show involving real people. The third is the true story of a man I know personally.

In 1993, the film directed by Robert Allen Ackerman "David's Mother" based on the play by Bob Randle was released, telling the story of a woman and her son - a man with severe mental disabilities. The mother surrounds David with hyper-protection, while she is terribly afraid of at least some of his socialization - it seems to her that no one but her is able to take care of her son for real. That is why they live together and avoid contact with the outside world. The only exception is the sister of the main character.

David does not go to school, he does not have any social environment at all, except for his mother, and sometimes an aunt. When a man appears in the life of David's mother (not without the help of her sister) who pays attention to her, he begins to take care of David, but in his own way. And now he manages to teach David in two weeks what his mother could not teach him in several years. This situation frightens David's mother, she perceives the attention of this gentleman as an invasion of her world with David and breaks off relations with the man. True, after that she still thinks about her life and understands that all these years she first of all cared not about David, but about herself, about her sense of self-importance.

During the film, we are also shown scenes from her past with David - and then it turns out that the woman sacrificed her husband, David's father, who also loved him, but could not fit into the scheme imposed by his wife, to create her isolated world. A person has not gotten along in a situation where he is required not to take care of the family, but to take actions taken under the dictation of his wife, where his opinion on how the family should live is of no interest to anyone.

It is very characteristic that when this man leaves the family, he tells his wife that what he does can be called love for a child rather than what she does. There was another child in this family - a daughter, an ordinary girl, as they say now, neurotypical. Her mother also sacrificed her - as a result, unable to withstand the constant psychological pressure, the girl also leaves, leaving her mother and David. The fact is that the main message of David's mother in relation to near and far: "Everyone who thinks and feels differently from me does not love my son."

But in Russia, the problem of separation of parents of children with disabilities was covered from an unexpected angle on January 9, 2013 in the popular television program “Let them talk”. The issue was called "Little Romance". The viewers were presented with the story of a young family, in which a child with a very severe disorder appeared - an anacephalus.

Roma's parents did not live together for long. We first heard the speech of his mother - she accused her husband of kicking her out of the house with the child, but he did not care about the child and never loved him at all. The woman very quickly turned to screaming, her face was distorted by hysteria. All this aroused unequivocal sympathy - still, such a misfortune with her child, and then family life went wrong.

But then we saw a young man - the father of Roma. The father told a completely different story of their relationship, which was later confirmed by witnesses and documents - not only the man's friends and colleagues, but also a doctor working in the clinic where Roma was sent for rehabilitation, as well as a video filmed in the very apartment where little Roma was from and his mother was allegedly kicked out.

So, Roma's father said that his wife left the house herself, that all the time, while she did not live with him, he transferred considerable sums for the maintenance and treatment of his child (his colleagues who helped him said the same thing). collect money significant for the average Russian). To all his words, his wife and her mother (also present in the studio) reacted with hysterical screams and swearing.

And with all this, the man said that he was waiting for his wife and was ready to accept her if she herself agreed to this. The audience was shown his apartment, in which the man kept the whole atmosphere of their life together, including infant toys. In this situation, we are not interested in the degree of reliability of this story or its individual fragments, and not even in how this story developed further, but in the fact that the First Channel of Russian Television raised the question: “Is everything so clear in situations where the parents of children -disabled?

Here's a story that I personally observed. Young people from different cities were carried away by each other, without really knowing each other, they got married. The husband moved to live with his wife, as she studied at a university in her city and did not want to transfer to another city yet.

Soon a child was born, and already in the first months of his life it became clear that not all was well with his health. It turned out that the boy had cerebral palsy, and later was diagnosed with a severe form of autism. This did not consolidate the boy's parents. The young mother, having dropped out of school, took care of the child, and the young father tried to earn money.

I must say that the young man had neither a specialty nor special communication skills in order to "cling" in an unfamiliar city - he was a typical gouging with a humanitarian bias, infantile, as usual. But he loved his son.

All he could do in this situation was to work honestly. And he took on any job that he could find in a foreign city - a sales agent, a loader, a seller in a stall ... On weekends he walked with a child. He earned little, as a result, for his wife, the husband became the object of claims. These claims extended not only to his inability to earn more money, but also to various areas of life.

The woman, of course, can be understood - she experienced shock due to the illness of her child and fatigue from difficult classes with him. But her husband was not a psychologist either, and simply his worldly experience was minimal. Their relationship gradually deteriorated. The wife turned out to be an extremely authoritarian person, she was not ready to accept any proposals from her husband regarding their common life, she needed only one thing from him - that he carry out instructions and adapt to any of her moods. Some of his needs, in addition to physiological ones, she was only ready to endure sometimes.

It also played a role that the wife's parents supported her not only in caring for the child (for which they are honored and praised), but also in her totalitarian manners. And so, when the boy was about 4 years old, his parents, living in the same apartment, practically stopped communicating. But the man loved his child. And although he did not then adhere to Christian views on marriage, he did not see the opportunity for himself to leave the family - precisely because of the child.

He continued to work, and on weekends to walk with his son. So more than a year passed, and then these young people nevertheless broke up - and this was the wife's initiative. The man left, returned to his hometown, and so got into the list of fathers who abandoned children with disabilities.

Statistically speaking, it really is. But he didn't abandon his child. For many years he traveled to communicate with his son on average once every six months, sometimes more often. He probably did not do much for his son that he could. But he loved this child and loves so far.

The mother of this child remarried, her new husband turned out to be a good man, responsible and accepted his stepson. The mother began to call the father of the stepfather in front of the child, and the real father of the child during his visits - by name. Father swallowed it too, realizing that if he starts to resent, it is unlikely that anything will come out but a scandal. And he loves the child and wants to see him. Now his son is not even a teenager anymore, but he is still not independent in everyday life. My father still visits him.

I repeat: I told these three stories not at all out of a desire to shield someone, but to blame someone. I think that in order to really deeply understand the problem, one must at least for a while stop viewing it through the prism of someone else's fault. We are used to blaming, labeling and experiencing emotions not so much from experiencing reality, but from our own labels. The trouble with families falling apart from risk groups is often not in the selfishness of individual members of these families, but in people's ignorance of what to rely on, building and strengthening family relationships in new conditions for themselves.

My friend, 23-year-old Alena, had to face a similar situation. She met her future husband at the university: they fell in love, met for a year, got married. Six months later she became pregnant. The husband was overjoyed. He said that he dreams of a son. From the second month of pregnancy, he forbade Alena to work, gave flowers, watched her diet, helped with the housework, signed up for courses to care for her pregnant wife. In general, everything was perfect before the birth ... But they started ahead of schedule.

I gave birth to a son weighing 1200 grams at the 28th week of pregnancy, - says a young mother. - The boy was not breathing, he was immediately connected to an artificial respiration apparatus. And we were warned about possible complications from the nervous system, organs of vision and respiration. We spent two months in the hospital with him. All this time my husband was there. I tried to support, but I saw how hard it was for him. For some reason he could not look at our baby. And once I even cried. For the first time I saw my husband so helpless and unhappy. When the son gained almost three kilograms, we were discharged. But the husband began to visit the house less and less ... If he appeared, he immediately went to bed. And one day he packed his things and went to his parents. He said that he would definitely help with money. He keeps his promise, but he never visits his son, whom he was waiting for with such love.

The baby is now three years old. Little Slavik is no worse than his peers. He walks, loves to play with the cat and loves to walk with his mother in the park. He only has problems with speech. Mother's love helped the boy not only survive, but also grow up happy.

Every parent faced with such a problem would like to wish love for their child, faith and patience, - Alena continues. - Whatever diagnosis he was given, you need to believe that he will recover.

Comment by Associate Professor of the Department of Psychiatry of KSMU Yuri Kalmykov:

Indeed, such a problem exists: a large percentage of men cannot withstand this load. Having learned about the birth of a sick child, they begin to abuse alcohol or leave the family. A woman, on the contrary, holds on courageously and steadfastly, devoting herself entirely to the child. She gives all her means and strength to treat a sick baby, sacrifices her career. This is determined biologically, by the instinct of motherhood. A woman already loves her child when he is still in the womb, feels him with every cell of her body. Men do not have innate parental instincts, they are formed gradually. Fathers get used to their children over time. There is a category of men who, unable to withstand the burden of caring for a sick child, leave and then return to the family. This is the decision of a mature person. So, without a family, he felt bad and she was important to him.

- Why do men leave their families after learning about the birth of a sick child?

An important role in this matter is played by the relationship between parents before the illness of the child. There is the following pattern: the stronger the ties between the spouses before the illness, the easier the man endures this load. And vice versa: if the relationship was conflict, they can lead to a break. The second important point: this problem is connected with valuable life orientations. If a person has a career, money, social status in the first place, then it will be harder for him to bear the news of a child's illness. After all, the illness of a child, as a rule, worsens the financial capabilities of the family.

- How can relatives help such a family?

At these moments, the parents of a sick child need the support of loved ones more than ever. In such a situation, the family experiences triple grief. The first has to do with pity for the child. His parents are worried about him and his future. The second is due to the fact that the hopes of mom and dad about raising a baby are crumbling. The third grief is financial costs. So, you need to make every effort to help the spouses survive this test.