A kid without his own opinion rarely worries his parents, because we ourselves teach him to obey and trust our requirements and tastes. But by the age of 7, this can become a problem - especially if there are friends next to him who know exactly what they want. And then the follower becomes the object of manipulation. First in school, then in life.

February 22, 2015 Text: Svetlana Zabegailova· Photo: Shutterstock, GettyImages

Parents who do not give the baby freedom, decide everything for him, do not trust his natural ability to find benefit from both trial and error, close his development around him. YOU are the safest environment for him, YOUR instructions are the only correct ones. With such a directive, the child lives and grows.

The kid, in search of his place among his peers, tries to fit in with the group, but, constantly being in strong submission to his parents, he is also able to be in a subordinating position in a group of children. He, of course, is not comfortable, but he is forced to go against his desires. The main thing is to be accepted, to gain a foothold in the group of guys, the rest is less important. Alas, other children quickly figure out how to use a new reliable friend: in kindergarten, he will perform tasks that no one likes to do, and on the playground, he will play roles that no one wants to take on. In moments of children's conflicts, they will be pushed around, and the baby will always support the stronger side, regardless of which side is right. So the baby will gradually learn to humble himself, become weak-willed, lack of initiative.

The complete lack of freedom of choice in childhood has an extremely negative effect on children's self-esteem. A matured child will consider himself insufficiently competent, respected, will always be indecisive, which means that he will not be able to take a worthy place in life and will certainly not achieve what he could.

Friends since childhood

Do not interfere with childhood friendship, it teaches a lot and is very important.

Friendship is a very valuable union of two or more people who are similar in interests and views of the world, or, on the contrary, are absolutely opposite and complementary to each other. Is childhood friendship strong? Undoubtedly, there are a huge number of grown up, and even aged people who have carried through their lives a precious relationship with their childhood friend.

By the age of 4, the child's communication with peers becomes meaningful, he tries to cooperate, distribute tasks and roles in the game. By the age of 5-6, the child is not yet striving for self-affirmation, no matter what. At this age, something else is more important - a common cause, no matter if it's a game or just a conversation. The main thing is to be together. It is at this age that a new feeling is born for the first time - a desire to do something for a friend, a sense of shoulder and a desire for partnership. The child sees before him another person who thinks differently, is interested in other things, plays other games. These classes are neither better nor worse, but they are different and this is the first thing that attracts the little researcher.

But by the age of 7, the child develops an interest not only in activities, but also in the personality of his little friend. The kid pays attention to him and consciously takes care of him. And, of course, in all these joint affairs, mutual copying of words, movements and gestures is in the first place. And your attempts to eradicate children's craving for imitation will be practically hopeless.

Imitation at this stage is the most important mechanism for learning experience and adapting to the world. But we, the parents, know that there, outside the apartment, not everything is so rosy, the baby is waiting for both grief and disappointment.

Friendship should not be consumer, because the basis is not so much revenue as mutual assistance, everyone should benefit from this personal symbiosis. One should not be a constant lifesaver or a vest for the emotional cleansing of someone's soul.

A true friend will not remain silent if his friend does something bad, will not be indifferent when his friend is ready to make a big mistake, will not remain silent if he is wrong. Even if your child is not a leader in a team of children, he is a valuable member of the group, because he has his own opinion on all issues and is not afraid to voice his view of things. A leader can show both good and bad direction.

How to teach him to distinguish a positive example from a negative one? It is necessary to help the child to form the independence of thinking and behavior from the imposed from the outside. To do this, you need to give him two keys. The first is the key to yourself - a healthy and realistic assessment of yourself. The second is the key to those doors that he wants to open - the ability to set his goals, believe in himself, achieve his goals and say "no" to those who are trying to take him aside.

10 sores that interfere with life.

So, what makes us "slave":

• Low self-esteem
• Feelings of inferiority.
• Submission and devotion.
• Lack of a developed sense of responsibility.
• Overconfidence.
• Lack of life experience. Unstable beliefs.
• Timidity and shyness.
• Increased sensitivity, emotionality and impressionability.
• Uncritical thinking.
• Acute emotional loneliness.

KEY FIRST: "I trust myself very much."

Before you say your word and help others understand and accept yourself, you yourself need to correctly assess your personality, your individuality. Understand your value and do not sell for cheap.

10 straws for our soul:

1. Unconditional love parents.

She should be here first! Help your baby feel that he doesn't have to do anything special to earn your love. Whether he is successful or not, handsome or not, you love him very much. At the heart of children's complexes are not the real problems of the child, but our negative assessments.

2. Recognize success even if we expected more.

The emphasis should be shifted to the very fact of achieving the goal, and it is better not to dwell on failures in general.

3. Call yourself affectionately.

As you like? You don't like it when I call you that? I know, I won't do it again! Parents do not even suspect how often their "harmless and innocent" nicknames lower children's self-esteem.

4. I set myself up for success..

Come up with positive thoughts for the week for yourself and your child:

“I am the kindest” or “I am very smart”

At the end of the day, you can tell what kind of deeds you have proven your kindness, confirmed your courage. Play the game: “I boast a little, but I don’t get arrogant.” When doing something, compose new and new pseudonyms: “I am the most skillful PelmeneSTRyaP”, “I am a clever BubbleDUV”.

5. Change negative thoughts to positive ones.

If a sad child came from a walk, dissatisfied with how he read the rhyme, something broke, soiled, lost - do not swear. Not all singers are artists, not all pianists are mathematicians! Try to provide support in this trouble too: “Can't you jump over? But how you run!”, “Not everyone can be artists, someone has to fly into space!”, “Dirty? Great, I'll teach you how to remove stains with a special secret remedy.

6. I'm proud of you for being...!

Say words of praise to your child, but not just “clever girl”, but “she drew such a wonderful sun, clever girl”, “you caught the ball great”. The child must understand that praise is given for some achievement. She, in the end, will be much more valuable than the usual "well done."

7. Don't be afraid to start.

Afraid to climb a hill? But we can climb one step and stand on it today and tomorrow and, if necessary, the day after tomorrow. And then there will be step two.

Let your child grow and learn according to their physical, mental and even emotional abilities. Set achievable tasks that are doomed to success in advance, and then the child will gradually learn to trust himself, believe in his own strength and try more.

8. What do you think?

Recognize your child's right to a personal opinion. Only those who have a choice are ready to take responsibility for the consequences of their decision. But what if it fails? Do not say: “I warned you,” these words contain some inexplicable satisfaction with failure. Say, “Yeah, it didn’t turn out quite the way you expected. Think about what needs to be fixed. The kid decides for himself and makes mistakes himself, but the main thing is not this, but what he will do better next. He will not stop trying, he will not be afraid of the consequences. And this is the first step to the ability to take responsibility for your life.

9. I listen to you carefully.

The Active Listening Method is a labor of getting Dad off the football and Mom off the dirty dishes. Why is it necessary? Then, when people talk to each other, they look into each other's eyes, they want to understand their interlocutor, his thoughts, feelings, motives.

10. It was 100 years ago.

Your own childhood experience is a real storehouse of the most valuable lessons, these are stories that teach a child without moralizing and grumbling.

KEY TWO: "I'm not a leader, but I'm a PERSON!".

10 rods for my child.

Are you far from the leader? Do not worry, because there are gray cardinals and modest princesses. No matter how soft, gentle and impressionable your child is, the development of leadership qualities will only benefit him. The main thing is not to overdo it and not strive to make out of the baby what he is not and who he is not able to become and, most importantly, does not want to.

1. I am an independent kid.

Give the child more freedom, let him accumulate rich experience in overcoming various tasks and difficulties. Through them, he learns many skills that build in him the confidence "I know how it's done."

2. I love to dream.

Dream together as often as possible. Imagine how you are walking in a fairy forest and saving a sick wolf from evil hunters, and then helping him find true friends who did not know him at all before and for some reason were afraid. Imagine how you explore space, the depths of the ocean, fight thirst in the desert, make your way through marshy swamps. Use as often as possible positive visualizations “imagine yourself strong”, “imagine yourself successful”, “imagine that you are on a fiery horse”.

3. I am a valiant hero.

Read fairy tales to your child about heroes who help someone out of trouble, overcome dangers, struggle with their own passions (fears, greed), look for stories with a clearly expressed morality. Discuss them. Learn to distinguish between the actions and thoughts of different characters, what they are (jealousy, lies, envy, courage, devotion), how to relate to them and how to respond to them. Emphasize where friends are real, and which ones are imaginary? Taking a break from reading, ask: “Do you like Gerda? Why do you think the little robber keeps animals in captivity? Is it because she's really bad, or is she just really lonely?

4. I have already lost this role.

Talk about the fact that all people are different, look different, have different preferences, so we can never please everyone. But we can always remain honest with people and with ourselves. Teach your child to correctly express his attitude towards people (good or bad), to refuse what is unacceptable for him. Speak with conviction (the main thing is not what to say, but how), look the offender in the eyes.

To combat children's insecurity and indecision, make up a series of situations, the way out of which will require a certain firmness and courage, play these situations with the child repeatedly. You need to literally coach, train him at those moments where he collides with aggressive behavior, he is forced to close his eyes to something, to do something bad, or he just needs to gather his courage and overcome his shortcoming.

6. The main thing is not to lead - the main thing is to finish.

Teach your child to finish what they start. Let your parental motto at this stage be: “I will be there and together we will make it through.”

7. Initiative is not punishable!

Welcome any initiative. Support and approve of the child's ideas, his hobbies, hobbies, interests. Let them quickly replace each other, but they still enrich the worldview of the child, make him competent in many areas, help him in further self-determination.

8. I can laugh at myself.

Only a parent who is able to laugh at himself and who cares about the personality of his children can only teach a baby to laugh at himself: “Do not be afraid to be funny. I'm awfully awkward. I love to curl up. Look how comical I look with a pillow, but with a big red mustache. And imagine how funny it would be if you paint your teeth black and draw a black eye, and then meet your mother like that from work. Play clowns, fat aunts, shaggy uncles and wait for the kid to want to take part in this venture. When an insecure child tells you: "Look, I'm funny" - this is a victory!

• Agree
• Compromise
• Cope with dissatisfaction, jealousy, resentment
• Experience disappointments, breakups
• Protect your rights, toys, beliefs
• Share your feelings, secrets, thoughts
• Overcome fear and insecurity.

Dear Colleagues!

I present to you some reflections on children-leaders and children-followers. As always, your opinions are important to me.

Child Leaders

Some children are leaders from birth. They do not wait for influences and do not obey them, they themselves influence parents and peers, leading their own line and subordinating others to themselves. Child leaders know what they want, they do not wait for someone - adults or other children - to tell them what they want from them, child leaders immediately declare their desires and their expectations. Children-leaders make those around them - followers.

It is not obvious that the prospects for a child leader are the brightest. First, the child-leader has frequent conflicts with parents on the basis of the struggle for power. Secondly, if a child leader does not obey smart adults, this makes it difficult for him to get involved in the culture. He may remain an active wild wolf cub with problems in adulthood.

Children-leaders initially take seriously only those who are equal in strength or superior to them. However, sometimes they can be caught in manipulation, playing on their desire to prove themselves already big and adults: "Help me, small and weak!"

What paired character traits are usually inherent in child leaders

Direct rigid connection: the child-leader means - no. The leader can be simple-hearted, and the follower can be crafty. At the same time, somewhat more often, child leaders still more often manifest themselves as manipulators: they have more activity and courage, it is profitable to manipulate, and moral guidelines for children come later.

It is not obvious that the prospects of the slave child are necessarily sad, they simply depend largely on what their environment is like. If they are influenced by lazy and narrow-minded parents, the child learns their distant values. If such a child is included in his company by hooligan peers, he is followed by them. If parents teach the guided child independence and responsibility, he learns this and becomes an independent, responsible and culturally developed person. See →

Contrary to popular belief, free upbringing, giving the child complete independence does not at all lead to the development of independence. A child to whom you have given complete independence is just a child left to any other influences. And who is responsible for what they will be?

Independence must be provided in doses so that the child can cope with each portion of independence. And by providing the conditions so that the child in a difficult situation does not go through psychological defenses, developing the position of the Victim.

One of the ways of upbringing independence worked out in culture is the army style of upbringing. The child is first taught to obey external orders, and then the leadership of himself is transferred into his own hands.

It seems that it was precisely these mechanisms of formation of volitional qualities that Lev Semenovich Vygodsky had in mind when he formulated the law of the formation of higher mental functions: "Any higher mental function appears on the stage of a person's life development twice: first as an external, social function, as an interpsychic function, then - as an internal, regulatory function, as the child's internal way of thinking. Initially, the HMF is divided between the child and the adult, and after that it is internalized, carried out by the child independently. At first, an adult commands, the child learns to follow commands, then he begins to command himself.

Similarly, according to the conclusions of A.N. Leontiev, "genetically arbitrary actions arise ... rather in social subordination than in subordination to objective objective conditions."

Leontiev loved the anecdote about the officer and the batman. The batman is busy with himself and groans and groans all the time. The officer asks: “Ivan, what are you groaning there for?” - "I'm very thirsty." - "Go, get drunk." - "I don't want to go." Some time passed, the officer in a service tone says to him: "Ivan." "I'm listening, your honor," the batman replies. "Go get a glass of water." Runs, brings a glass of water. The officer says, "Drink." He drank and calmed down.

If the officer achieves that the batman will obey him implicitly, then it will be enough for him to give the command: "Do not be lazy, be active and independent!" - and the batman will change his style of behavior. Perhaps for the rest of your life.

Your child is very obedient and reliable, never argues with you, and in the company of children always agrees with the rules of the game of more active comrades. He happily shares his toys, compliments everyone and never comes into conflict, even if he disagrees with something.

Such children are called slaves. In order to understand why the baby has developed such a character trait, one should understand in more detail the reasons that caused it.

Usually, children who are under the overprotection and subordination of their parents, but by temperament, do not find the strength or sufficient motivation to resist such a state of affairs, become followers. Usually phlegmatic, melancholic or sickly, not very active children become followers.

In relationships with peers, guided children automatically transfer their relationship with their parents to relationships in the group. Conformist children often become followers. Sometimes the motive for such behavior may lie in the area of ​​fear of loneliness. The child is afraid that if he does not accept other people's rules of the game, no one will be friends with him.

The result does not leave itself waiting long. Such children are often the target of jokes and banter, as they are unable to fight back. They are teased by various offensive nicknames. In games, they always get the most disadvantageous roles, their opinion in the group is never taken into account, more active children begin to command and push them around.

It is not difficult to model the future of such a child. In everything agreeing with the opinion of the group or the crowd, such people will take on the role of a follower in the future. Obeying their parents, they choose the wrong profession, which they would like to do, the wrong type of activity, and if they are under the influence of their comrades, they often commit anti-social acts.

All this leads to dissatisfaction with their lives, nervous breakdowns in the future. Therefore, it is necessary to correct the behavior of a slave child from an early age, when passivity has not yet become a dominant character trait.

What do you need to start working with? First of all, explain to the child that his opinion must be defended. Even if the baby does not agree with the opinion of the parents regarding his life or life, he needs to argue, and not unconditionally agree. It is important to form in a child leadership skills and the ability to defend one's opinion. To do this, in every possible way encourage any independent action of the child: an offer to play a game, go for a walk in a particular place, etc. Never put pressure on the baby with your authority, it is impossible for the child to get the impression that the parents are the last authority, from which only directives come that must be unconditionally followed. It is important that the child understands that parents can make mistakes too.

Teach your child to say "no!" This is a very important ability to refuse a person if for some reason he cannot fulfill the request. It is not necessary to agree on everything even with adult authoritative people. This will help the child in the future not to fall into the "hook" of those comrades who persuade them to try alcohol or drugs, call for illegal actions.

Ability to say “no” when necessary will help the child grow up as a self-sufficient and conscious person who is able to go through life, focusing only on his own goals and ideals, able to achieve his own.

Teach your child to argue and defend their point of view. Start disputes with him on the most various themes and give in to him. Consider the opinion of the child, let him put his ideas into practice, because theoretical reasoning alone will be of little use.

Play with the baby in games in which he will act as a leader, managing any part of life. For example, let him be the father of the family, and you be his daughter, that is, in a situation where social roles are changing.

All these measures in combination will correct the child's behavior and will not allow him to be a pawn in the hands of more active friends, will allow him to become more decisive and independent.

Why is the child driven? Is it genetically based or upbringing mistakes? and got the best answer

Answer from Eel[guru]
Someone is a leader, someone is "slave", I think it's laid down like that.

Answer from Victoria Prikhodko[guru]
Very authoritarian parents.

Answer from Al Pointdexter[guru]
Genetically, and that's a good thing
leaders all the bumps in life ....

Answer from Hope[guru]
Some people have it genetically, while others are educated, for example, if parents are used to deciding everything for the child, or they intimidate and beat him.

Answer from Musya[guru]
possibly both. . probably the child still has a genetic tendency to obey, and the parents developed it, pointing him out all the time and not offering a choice ...

Answer from Anzhella Sukacheva[guru]
I had a difficult childhood... But I never became aware... A born leader)) Probably, what you were born - you will become like that - and you can’t knock out genetics with a stick))
In general, I don’t see anything wrong with a soft character. The main thing is that only good people meet in the world, you must always be able to distinguish the wheat from the chaff

Answer from User deleted[guru]
Exclusive parenting mistakes: Psychologists call this phenomenon "Overprotection" - when parents show excessive love for their child. "Hyper care" is expressed in the painful perception of EVERYTHING that happens in the life of a child. Parents who are involved in the "hyper-custody" of their child, out of the best of intentions, control every action of the child, try to help him even where the child can handle himself. The result of this is that without knowing it, parents raise a pathologically led person out of their child.
Ultimately, a child raised in "hyper-custody" grows up as a person who CANNOT feel normal where you need to make INDEPENDENT decisions. Such people grow up EXTREMELY NOT self-confident, UNABLE to make independent decisions. The result of this is "chronic" failures, and as a result - complexes. Such people, as a rule, do NOT have more or less expressive success NEITHER IN PERSONAL, NOR IN PUBLIC life.
How NOT to make your child "slave"? : Extremely simple - from birth, you need to provide the child with the opportunity to make ALL decisions on their own. Parents need to KEEP in themselves the desire to help the child (of course, do NOT take into account extreme situations- when the question arises about the "Life and Death" of the child). Parents need to “instill” in their child the idea that the day WILL come when the child will need to start living independently. It is necessary, if possible, to allow (DO NOT force, but ALLOW!) to do everything INDEPENDENTLY.
And then your child will NEVER become "slave". Good luck! 😉

Answer from VIC[guru]