Child's age: 5 years

The child is constantly dissatisfied

Good afternoon. Please help with advice. Our son is 5 years old. Walks in Kindergarten, for gymnastics. But! The child is always unhappy. Basically, not happy when something is not "for him" or when he wants some thing. He is ready to mumble, mumble, moan ... Moreover, he has enough toys. Toys tried to buy good, interesting. But, having seen some kind of nonsense from the "Kinder Surprise" at the neighbor's boy, he will walk around the whole evening dissatisfied that he does not have this. When I scold him for something. For example: "Why did you push your friend on the playground? He won't play with you anymore," our son replies, instead of "I won't do it again" - "Then I won't play with him either." Constantly arguing. We want to teach him something, he offers his version or his explanation. For example: "When is my birthday?" - "In November. In autumn." "And I want November to be summer." You begin to explain about the seasons, about the months. The result is null. "November is summer!" When we come to the kindergarten for him, he will never run up to us with joy. He walks towards the exit, frowning. When people come to visit, you can’t pull out “Hello”, “Thank you” with ticks. Very closed. Everything is fine in our family, we don’t swear, we often go somewhere with children. We consider ourselves strict parents at the same time. We do not close our eyes for ugly behavior, we try to draw the attention of children to some problem, to solve it. At first they thought that this was a reaction to the younger brother (he is 2 years old). But now we understand that he behaves this way even in his absence. He is praised in the garden. They say that the child is well engaged, obeys. Sometimes, however, problems arise when they do not want to do something, but this is not often. Don't know what to do? Maybe this is the period? Maybe it's time to take your son to a psychologist? Thanks in advance for your reply.

Olga

Dear Olga! First, think about which of the adults who take or took part in the upbringing of a son, there is a similar pattern of behavior? What you are talking about is reminiscent of the pattern of behavior learned by the baby, which he now demonstrates to others. Secondly, the dialogues you mentioned should not be taken as a constant resistance and discontent of the child. What's wrong with him wanting November to be summer? Why not play along with him in this: “Well, let November be summer!” Thirdly, preschoolers are characterized by a peculiar shyness. The fact that a child is shy in front of strangers is quite natural - he still does not have enough experience in introducing himself to others. Support him! Praise him when he does something. It's great that you try to talk to children, explain their good and bad deeds. Just pay attention to how much they understand you. The inner world of the child is arranged differently, so you need to speak in a language they understand - referring to what the child feels and experiences. Another way to say about the conflict on the playground is: “The boy you pushed is very upset and offended. I think you, too, are worried that everything turned out this way. You can also seek face-to-face consultation with a specialist, but the best result will be the work in which both the child and the parent are involved. The perception of the son as eternally dissatisfied, of course, complicates parent-child relationships in the family.

You invest so much in them, come up with a bunch of entertainment, take them to the cinema, think about where to go with them for the weekend so that the child can spend time usefully and not be bored. And in response, he looks at you with despondency and only shrugs his shoulders to all questions: “I don’t care.”

Sore. Child, girl, 6 years old. She has everything that his parents, for example, could only dream of as a child. The family lives, albeit not in luxury, but in comfort. She is entertained with all her might - and no return. Not the slightest movement that would indicate that parental efforts are at least somewhat appreciated. You waste time, money, spiritual strength, your whole world revolves around her alone, and she ... And everything seems to twist in her stomach from resentment: why is she so ungrateful?

Psychologist Megan Leahy tried to answer the question of what parents should do with their resentment and ungrateful child. Especially if talking about the topic does not help: the child still wants to do only what he wants. Or falls into despondency, depression, looks at the world with exceptional longing.

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"I am 41. My parents were very concerned about my well-being. Physical. But to be honest, my brother and I never set the tone for family leisure. My father loves to look at churches (especially old ones. And ancient ones), and we spent many weekends looking for a church that my father had heard about somewhere. My brother and I sat in the back seat without any gadgets, listening to music that our mother liked.

No one asked us if we like this kind of weekend. No one asked if we were interested in buttresses or naves. We knew that we were going, and no one set himself the goal that it was we who enjoyed it. Were we bored? Certainly. But now my brother and I sometimes like to look at a beautiful church. Something from these walks is left in us.

So here it is, the previous generation of parents: they didn't really care about making their kids happy. And now? Parents are just obsessed with entertaining their child.

Excursions, parties, vacations and vacations - the life of parents is completely focused on children. We plan our weekends to our detriment, but in such a way that the children are happy. And this is wrong.

It can take years for a feeling of sincere gratitude to develop. The ability to experience gratitude requires high empathy and the ability to empathize, requires spiritual sensitivity. I can't appreciate what you're doing for me if I can't understand how you feel.

How reasonable is it to expect a six-year-old to appreciate your sacrifice enough to be grateful for it? That he will match your expectations with his feelings? Hardly reasonable. No, there are, of course, such six-year-old children who are sensitive to the mood of others. But not often.

Ordinary six-year-olds seem like a black hole that absorbs all your attention, hopes and dreams - without a trace and without return. They are unhappy and ungrateful. Why is that? Is your child a born egoist? No, not at all. He is a child. Of course, he thinks first of all about himself, and not about your feelings. He needs to sort himself out first. And you try to give him too much. As much as he doesn't really need. You're actually trying too hard.

He needs you to stop trying to make him happy. Stop planning entertainment for him. Forget your grudges. And stop talking to him about the need to be grateful. What for? Because it doesn't work.

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The more we try to please the child, the more we provoke him to bad behavior. Our desire to make him happy at any cost drives us into dependence on the mood of the child. Children begin to control our mood, our plans, destroy our self-confidence and pretty much correct our lifestyle in general.

It sounds paradoxical, but when you stop spending all your energy on awakening gratitude in your child, your relationship will change for the better. The child will no longer feel as if he is responsible for your feelings. He, of course, will not like the fact that his interests are no longer the most important thing on the agenda. But over time, he will relax. Give him that time.

Finally, take the time to just be with your child. Just talk, just listen to him – without comment or criticism. Read together, take a walk, put together a puzzle, dance - do whatever you want to be around, without moralizing. Tactile and visual contact is better than a thousand words to say that the baby is very important to you. And if you just listen to him without criticizing, the child will stop constantly proving that he is important: this will be clear anyway.

It takes time. So be patient, be kind to your child. You may have difficult moments, but rebooting is never easy.

Child's age: 5 years

The child is constantly dissatisfied

Good afternoon. Please help with advice. Our son is 5 years old. She goes to kindergarten, gymnastics. But! The child is always unhappy. Basically, not happy when something is not "for him" or when he wants some thing. He is ready to mumble, mumble, moan ... Moreover, he has enough toys. Toys tried to buy good, interesting. But, having seen some nonsense from the "Kinder Surprise" at the neighbor's boy, he will walk around the whole evening dissatisfied that he does not have this. When I scold him for something. For example: "Why did you push your friend on the playground? He won't play with you anymore," our son replies, instead of "I won't do it again" - "Then I won't play with him either." Constantly arguing. We want to teach him something, he offers his version or his explanation. For example: "When is my birthday?" - "In November. In autumn." "And I want November to be summer." You begin to explain about the seasons, about the months. The result is null. "November is summer!" When we come to the kindergarten for him, he will never run up to us with joy. He walks towards the exit, frowning. When people come to visit, you can’t pull out “Hello”, “Thank you” with ticks. Very closed. Everything is fine in our family, we don’t swear, we often go somewhere with children. We consider ourselves strict parents at the same time. We do not close our eyes for ugly behavior, we try to draw the attention of children to some problem, to solve it. At first they thought that this was a reaction to the younger brother (he is 2 years old). But now we understand that he behaves this way even in his absence. He is praised in the garden. They say that the child is well engaged, obeys. Sometimes, however, problems arise when they do not want to do something, but this is not often. Don't know what to do? Maybe this is the period? Maybe it's time to take your son to a psychologist? Thanks in advance for your reply.

Olga

Dear Olga! First, think about which of the adults who take or took part in the upbringing of a son, there is a similar pattern of behavior? What you are talking about is reminiscent of the pattern of behavior learned by the baby, which he now demonstrates to others. Secondly, the dialogues you mentioned should not be taken as a constant resistance and discontent of the child. What's wrong with him wanting November to be summer? Why not play along with him in this: “Well, let November be summer!” Thirdly, preschoolers are characterized by a peculiar shyness. The fact that a child is shy in front of strangers is quite natural - he still does not have enough experience in introducing himself to others. Support him! Praise him when he does something. It's great that you try to talk to children, explain their good and bad deeds. Just pay attention to how much they understand you. The inner world of the child is arranged differently, so you need to speak in a language they understand - referring to what the child feels and experiences. Another way to say about the conflict on the playground is: “The boy you pushed is very upset and offended. I think you, too, are worried that everything turned out this way. You can also seek face-to-face consultation with a specialist, but the best result will be the work in which both the child and the parent are involved. The perception of the son as eternally dissatisfied, of course, complicates parent-child relationships in the family.

Ecology of life. Children: I remember my experience of motherhood, I remember the moments when I experienced the dissatisfaction of my children for various reasons ...

Sometimes I have in therapy appear people who can mislead their appearance - they are cheerful, playful, and easy. They don't seem to need help at all.

I look closely, and at the right moment I ask, Is it really as fun for a person as he demonstrates it? It often turns out that cheerfulness is the habit of being "positive", and no less often it turns out that the habit appeared in childhood, when parents absolutely did not want to meet with the discontent of their child: “What can you be dissatisfied with? You're all right."

My parent clients also often bring up this topic:“He (my child) resists / is dissatisfied / yells stupidity, and it annoys me. I do so much for him, I didn’t have half of what he has, and he still doesn’t express gratitude.”

I remember my experience of motherhood, I remember the moments when I experienced the dissatisfaction of my children for various reasons - when they protested against my decisions, or they did not like the gifts that I gave, or something on family trips, and I remember how hard it was endure.

Difficult - because until a certain time my child's unresponsiveness to my actions meant so much more to me than just an emotional response.

Sometimes I felt like a bad mother - when my children were angry with me; sometimes I got hurt from "ungratefulness" while expecting high marks for my efforts.

I was terribly offended at the moment when I expected from them (as I later understood) something adult: adult reactions of “understanding” me, or even protection, and even support for me.

Very similar cases are now “brought” by my clients-parents: it seems to them that they make absolutely “fair” demands on their children, not noticing that they “invest” in them (requirements) their own children's expectation from their parent.

• One dad expected his son to “keep his word” in the contracts imposed on the child, but in fact, he expected respect for his needs from his mother, which he did not wait for.

• One mother was injured Bad mood son, at the moment when she hoped to talk heart to heart with him - just like she was hurt next to her mother, who did not leave the image of a teacher, and with whom there was never closeness.

• Another mother almost hated her daughter because she was “provided with every opportunity to study, and she didn’t give a damn about her mother’s efforts by not graduating from college.” Obviously, the hatred had the same origin as in the first two cases - the woman herself took a sip of neglect from her own mother, and could not accept the fact that her daughter might not appreciate her efforts ... to ensure that she herself was so important.

The dissatisfaction, anger, resistance of children fall into very vulnerable places for parents - into their own deficits and vulnerabilities. However, children are not responsible for these vulnerabilities and deficiencies, and therefore cannot be held responsible for them.

The discontent, anger and resistance of children is often an attempt to define their boundaries, to show that they may have other needs and other - albeit still childish, immature - values.

Apparently, it will take a lot of effort to recognize that some outbursts of anger in children can be provoked by unjustified expectations from their parents themselves. No child can replace the parent of his parent - in principle, he cannot have such experience to be able to support like a mature person. The child may play along with the expectation, pretend to care or support, or "keep the word", or will resist.

The second strategy, in my opinion, is healthier than the first, because it is aimed at protecting its borders, but, alas, it is not very good for life ... Life motivation can remain at the level of “doing contrary to the parent”, and not “doing what is right for yourself”.

Sometimes the appearance of "bad" feelings is associated with a violation of the boundaries of the child. The girl who left the institute could not explain to her mother why she did not want to study law, although she was very angry with her.

And, for example, my eldest son got annoyed with me several times because I have a habit of repeating what was said several times. And he does not need it, because he "understood the first time."

Sometimes the feelings of children do not concern parents at all, but can be brought from another life.(from school, for example). However, as described above, a mother wounded in a relationship with her mother only needs one frown from her child - and ... contact is already lost.

You will also have to work hard at appropriating the idea that a child is a living person, and he may not like something - in general, or in this moment time.

If a child is forbidden to be dissatisfied under the pretext: "You have no reason for this," a dangerous trap is being prepared for him. So he can be deprived of the right to what he does not like, does not fit, and deprive him of the right to borders.

And that means in adulthood he will not be able to rely on this given, ignoring discomfort, inconvenience and even violence towards himself. published