I don't even know how much this "problem" is a problem and how much it is psychological. I am 25 years old and you can say that I cannot find myself a girlfriend. But first things first.

At the age of 15 - 16, when the "tough guys" from the class switched from toys and became interested in girls, I did not join their group. While everyone was running after the girls, trying to get to know classmates, building their own childhood relationships and getting their first kisses on a bench in the yard, I behaved like a child. He spoke little with his peers and was carried away by his, only to me, interesting games. I have never had many friends, and those with whom I talked are 1 - 2 people. Basically, I sat, read books and thought about my own. But it was a long time ago and it is already difficult to remember everything.

A couple of years passed and I entered the first year of the institute. Here, many, having become a little older, began to look for "life companions". Fortunately, there was much more variety among freshmen than at school. But that didn't work for me in any way. I've always been kind of weird, and I didn't get involved in society. A sort of white crow. And I kind of liked it, to stand out, to be somehow unusual, not like everyone else. Not a gray mass. But as time went on and the desire to find a girl for himself grew stronger and stronger. Why do Vasya and Petit have girlfriends, but I do not? I wondered. But every attempt at acquaintance ran up against an invisible wall of misunderstanding, and more and more often the problem was in me. Having no experience of acquaintances and not understanding the rules of communicating with women, I often "stupid" and did not know what to do and what to say. In general, my pitiful attempts only led to disappointment, and after the second such failure, I quickly gave up. Well, my time has not yet come, I consoled myself and calmed down on this. Around the same time, I began to actively explore the virtual space, well, or to be more precise, the very popular and well-known then ICQ text chat. There I met many girls from different cities and of different ages. More often, however, within 2 - 4 years of difference with me. Strange, but in the chat I felt at ease. I was interesting, unusual, amazing. And I was often told this. I was glad that someone was interested in me and every time I invented something new. He could talk for hours with this or that girl, constantly captivating her with new topics. Gradually, the virtual network took me to her place and I appeared less and less in real life. Chat and computer games fascinated me much more than the street and real communication. So I met a girl who seemed to me to be my ideal. She always understood and listened to me, sympathized, sent compliments and sent messages from which it became joyful and warm in my soul. She lived in Ukraine, I am in Russia. After about a year of our communication, I got fired up with the idea of ​​going to visit her, but it was at that moment that discord began in our communication. Either we got tired of each other, or something happened, but she met another guy on the Internet and I didn't go to her. The parting, even though it was virtual, was insanely difficult for me, I worried and thought about death, that life had ceased to make sense for me. No, I can’t say that I seriously thought about suicide, but I was very depressed.

As you know, time heals and gradually I forgot my first and strongest virtual love. She was replaced by other girls from the same chat. I communicated with them with a new wave of interest. I got to know them better and better every day. And over time he parted. But it was no longer so painful and insulting. At about 22, I met Katya in a computer game. Katya was 37. She had two children and she naturally lived in another city, but it somehow did not float me. And then she decided to come. A week spent with her in the same apartment and one bed became a little paradise for me. This is probably not comparable to anything. I was so comfortable and cozy with her that I just dreamed of staying with her forever. But the week has passed and it's time to say goodbye. I was upset, but deep down I consoled myself that we were not parting for good and in a few months we would see each other again, but for now we would still communicate on the Internet. In total, over the 2 years of our communication, she came to me twice, and I came to her twice. But over time, we got tired of these relationships. They began to quarrel and swear, then they parted, it seemed, but I could not forget her and thought about her all the time. And after a while we began to communicate again. But it was no longer the same, there was some kind of chill or something. I don't even know how to describe it. We parted as friends. They just stopped writing to each other, but they didn't quarrel either. I realized that I should still try to find myself a life partner in my city and my age. But here's the problem. Lack of relationship experience made itself felt. I simply don’t know how to behave with an unfamiliar girl. After a short correspondence in some kind of chat or via SMS, we meet, but I feel some kind of stiffness, I get lost, all my talent to captivate with my interestingness disappears literally before our eyes, and besides this, in the process of dating, I begin to notice the mistakes that I make. It all seems trivial. He didn’t move the chair in the cafe, didn’t help to take off his coat, didn’t open the door in front of her, but all this is summed up in my head and it seems to me that I was just terrible in relation to the girl. And therefore, coming home in the evening, I am at a loss to guess whether I should call her, how she perceived me, maybe I should not impose, because she almost certainly did not like me. I do not know how to overcome this and what to do. Another departure to the virtual world at the age of 25 seems absurd to me. And a new attempt at a date causes a certain fear.

I try to think through everything to the smallest detail. Where will we go, what will we do, what will we talk about. How much time will we spend in this or that place. But often my "ideal" plans do not actually coincide with what is really happening, at the right moment I do not decide on this or that movement. Take a hand, hug, kiss. After all, I had not thought of this before, and the brain begins frantically to sort out the options of what to do. As a result, my slowness is fatal. Together with my general isolation and rare chances to get to know someone, I perceive my every new defeat on the love front especially strongly, wondering what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm not handsome, maybe I'm stupid? No, it seems normal, I study, I work, I earn good money, is smart and pleasant to talk to, at least that's what my friends say. So what is wrong and how can I find one who will accept and understand me? Or maybe my time hasn’t come yet?