The birth of a child in a family is always a joy for loving caring parents. Came into the world new person, they have to teach him everything, prepare him for adulthood and let go at a certain moment ... How much joy and tears in half, how many emotions, hopes, expectations ... But sometimes it also happens that the birth of a child becomes a wall that divides life into “before” and “after”, and all happy dreams, all hopes break on the hard word: "disabled".

The child was born with a disability, or became disabled due to an accident or illness. How to live on? What to do?

This situation is stressful for all family members. In fact, it means that everyone will have to change their lives very much, and all the interests of the family will now be directed to the rehabilitation or support activities of this child. Life can change so abruptly that some families are forced to change the city, and some even the country of residence, in order to be closer to rehabilitation centers and clinics. But to change housing is not so bad. The main thing is not to break yourself.

Psychologists note that the bulk of families with disabled children are divided into three groups:
first- passive. Parents either do not understand the seriousness of the problem, or close themselves off from it, pretending that it does not exist. It is so psychologically easier for them to cope with stress. Unfortunately, in such families, measures for the rehabilitation of a disabled child are practically not applied, parents avoid talking about possible treatment and under various pretexts are looking for ways not to carry it out. Such families, as a rule, withdraw into themselves, refuse ordinary life, nullify communication with friends.

second- active. Active parents are ready to move mountains in order to, if not cure, then alleviate the condition of their child. They are ready to overcome any obstacles along the way, they are constantly looking for specialists, they are testing new methods of treatment, they are ready for any expenses in search of the most modern drugs, they are not afraid of operations and procedures. The family retains a wide range of contacts, continues to lead an active social life. All interests of the family will be subordinated to the interests of the disabled child.

third- rational. Such parents do not hide from the problem, but they do not turn it into a fixed idea. They consistently fulfill all the recommendations of specialists, undergo the prescribed treatment, but do not show extra efforts in this direction. Devoting enough time to a disabled child, they do not forget about the rest of the family, without depriving anyone of their attention.

Most families with a disabled child are in a state of constant discomfort, which is associated with uncertainty, with a constant feeling of anxiety for the future of a sick child, for the future of the family as a whole. Many note that they experience a sense of spiritual chaos, that it is difficult for them to reorient their former “normal” life to a new one. Often, the only breadwinner in the family is the father, and the mother is forced to take care of the child. To the existing problems of their own, problems of a social nature can still be added. Unfortunately, people with disabilities are still looked down upon in our society. Parents can forbid their healthy children to communicate with a disabled child. Neighbors on the porch may express displeasure with the noise that a disabled child can make. If a "special" child in public place begins to behave inappropriately, then sometimes the mother has to listen to unflattering statements addressed to her, or all the time she has to explain that the baby is special and may not behave quite adequately. All this is very difficult for parents, such moments create an oppressive atmosphere in the family.

How to be parents of a "special" child? Caregivers of a disabled child must first of all not succumb to emotions and panic, otherwise they will not be able to do anything useful either for their family or for their child. No matter how scary the word “disability” sounds, people live with it. Yes, many things will have to change, but this does not mean that from now on the simple joys of life will be inaccessible to you.

It is impossible to slide into two states: into the state of an unfortunate victim and into the state of an armored personnel carrier that sweeps away everything in its path.

The former deny themselves all joys and spend time whining: “Oh, my son (my daughter) is disabled, how scary and terrible it is, how hard it is for us, how unfortunate we are.” Such pessimism takes away strength, people, instead of fighting, spend their strength on endless complaints, self-digging, and often create a situation that does not correspond to the true state of affairs in worst sense. They overreact to their child's disability, although it may not be all that bad.

The second group of parents, on the other hand, go to the other extreme. They live under the motto “I am a mother (father), and I will do everything for my child!”, not seeing behind this aspiration the needs of other family members, their other children, who may be abandoned and deprived of attention. Often, rehabilitation measures and constant trips to specialists turn into an end in itself, when treatment is already being carried out not in order to help the child, but for the sake of the process itself, for the sake of self-affirmation, for the sake of expiation of guilt: I do, I drive, I punch, so I good parent.

Neither position is correct. The disability of the child must be accepted as a fact in which you are not guilty (with the exception of direct cases when, due to an oversight or negligence of the parents, harm was caused to health).

You can not push into the background other family members. for the desire to make life easier for one child, you may not notice how you make the rest unhappy.

Do not reject the help of a psychologist and do not forget that not only you personally need psychological rehabilitation, but also your other children and spouse.

Feel free to ask for help and experience in the organization of parents of children with disabilities.

But the advice of the teacher-psychologist Semenova L.V.:

1. Never feel sorry for a child because he is not like everyone else.
2. Give your child your love and attention, but do not forget that there are other members
families who need them too.
3. Organize your life so that no one in the family feels like a “victim”,
giving up your personal life.
4. Do not protect the child from duties and problems. Do everything with him.
5. Give the child independence in actions and decision-making.
6. Watch your appearance and behavior. The child should be proud of you.
7. Don't be afraid to refuse your child anything if you consider his demands.
excessive.
8. Talk to your child more often. Remember that neither TV nor radio can replace
you.
9. Do not limit the child in communicating with peers.
10. Do not refuse to meet with friends, invite them to visit.
11. More often resort to the advice of teachers and psychologists.
12. Read more, and not only specialized literature, but fiction as well.
13. Communicate with families with disabled children. Share your experience and
adopt someone else's.
14. Do not torment yourself with reproaches. It is not your fault that you have a sick child!
15. Remember that someday the child will grow up and he will have to live
on one's own. Prepare him for the future life, talk to the child about it.

AaMy story is not new! Although I had never seen this before, I read everything and a lot before giving birth, but not this ... And now it happened to me. Due to the fact that the doctor was apparently too lazy to bother with a caesarean, she forced me to give birth myself, when I studied for almost a day, and the cervix still did not open, the attempts at the end just stopped and that’s it, axitocin didn’t even help. In short, she gave birth to the head herself, the body of the daughter was squeezed out of me. Severe asphyxia in childbirth! Convulsions and IVL. 1.5 months resuscitation, 3 times relief of seizures, finally they put me with my daughters in a hospital, but I see an increase in seizures, they take her away and drip again. Today they will give her back to me and again ask me to see if she has convulsions. They say the percentage of disability is super huge. cerebral palsy, etc. At first, I was ready to love her any, if only she remained alive, then I began to think, having seen enough of twisted children with cerebral palsy on the Internet, how they lag behind in development by several years, do not walk, do not see and do not speak, I realized that it would be better if she died and does not suffer, and does not torment us all, or if he survives, he will not be disabled, but will be healthy like a horse. At first I was sure that I was strong and if God gave me to carry this cross like that, then I should carry it, but when I see how she beats, how she does nothing in her 1.5 months, what other children do, I understand - I don't need these problems. I need only healthy children, I'm not ready to carry more than a child's legs. I have my own business, which I am now selling, because I can no longer run it, that they don’t earn money now and will never be able to work again, but I want to be successful and self-sufficient. And I am ashamed that if, God forbid, our child is skewed and mentally retarded in the future, I will be ashamed of him and feel like a freak and hate all the mothers who walk down the street with normal children and look at me with longing and regret, thinking at that moment that thank God that she healthy child not like mine. I am for last days I realized that I would never be able to send her to a boarding school, and I would not be able to raise her, if she became disabled. There are always 2 ways out in my head - to take her in my arms and jump off the high-rise building with her in order to die both at once, because if I kill her, they will put me in prison, but I still can’t live with such a stone in my soul. And if I commit suicide, then my mother will raise her. And why should she create such problems, not only will she bury her daughter, plus she needs to raise a heavy granddaughter, but she is not that age and not that healthy. And I want to give birth to a healthy child again, even just in spite of everything, I just want to be a happy mother, and not a great altar. Are you probably freaking out at my thoughts? I would have read this before, I thought that the author had a roof. And now these are my thoughts. And I'm shocked by myself. And I love my daughter very much and kiss her all the time. She is very beautiful, well, no wonder, because my husband and I are a very beautiful couple. And maybe this is why I can’t accept the circumstances that, like beautiful healthy successful people there may be sick terrible children ... And how to quit everything and now live only with these terrible thoughts? And I hate this vraihu, they say she does this not for the first time, that she often has jambs in childbirth with children, but she is kept there and continues to work, ruining children. When our daughter was taken to Irkutsk in an ambulance, my husband and I cried and slowly died from this horror. And she came out of her office and said, oh, why are you upset, there are such smart doctors in Irkutsk, professors, they will cure your girl ... And she spoke with a smile ... And I was afraid that my husband would simply not beat her right there ... I am horrified by all this … Help me please.

I really want to support you, but I'm afraid that everything that I will try to write, you have already heard more than once and it is unlikely that you need it now.
Some time ago, here on Eva, one of the moms posted a letter, I think it inspired a lot of us. It seems to be nothing special, everything is so clear and simple, but at the same time the words are so precisely chosen and the feelings are described.
I do not know your story, perhaps not everything that is written in this letter will resonate in your heart and be useful in your life situation, but maybe it is exactly what you are looking for now.
Here is the text:
"Power of nature.
It is the most powerful, strongest and most effective force. Try to ensure a continuous connection between the child's communication with nature. Spring is coming, new life is awakening, new forces of nature. Introduce a child to them, let him be filled with them.
1. Put swelling buds, the first flowers of the coltsfoot, the first blade of grass into the baby's hand. The main condition is that everything must be alive, and not torn off, broken off, ruined. Let the baby be filled with the first born forces of mother earth.
2. Only hatched birch leaves, still sticky and small (1 cm), collect in in large numbers. For 1 session you need one 5-7 liters. bucket. Before a daytime sleep, pour out freshly picked leaves on an oilcloth measuring 1.5 x 1.5 meters. Wrap the child, evenly distributing the leaves, insulate for 1.5 - 2 hours. Do this daily for a week. The result is inspiring.
3. Before planting seeds, let your child hold this bag. The seeds will absorb information about him. As they grow, they will absorb the necessary cosmic forces needed to help your baby. Feed your baby grown from these seeds.
4. Make juice from the first plants: dandelion, nettle, rhubarb, birch sap, etc.
5. Walk a lot! The March-April sun and air are priceless! Best Places for walks - groves, meadows, fields, gardens. The strongest energetically are virgin soil, cornfield, arable land, church garden. In the summer, being careful, put the child in the grass, wheat, rye. Let it come into contact with the surrounding plants.
6. Melted water at room temperature is ideal for pouring and hardening. It has a lot of minerals.
7. Keys, beating out of the ground - a wonderful immunostimulant. For a few seconds, lower the child's feet into the freezing water, and then rub with your palms, massage each point of the foot. Do the same procedure with the palms of the child.
8. Press the child against the trunk of an oak, pine, cedar, birch. Mentally imagine how, by the power of spring juices, your child's illness rises to the top of the tree. Through the crown of foliage, breaking the disease into millions of particles, the tree throws the disease into space. And then, it also absorbs the millions of forces necessary for your baby with the crown and lowers them down the trunk. The child is filled with these forces.
9. If possible, never curtain the windows in the baby's room. It is desirable that the crib be placed by the window. The child must see nature, the sky, space, the sun, the moon and the stars, and they see him.
10. Paraffin, wax, clay, mud and other gifts of nature are not difficult to use, but require the supervision and calculation of a physiotherapist.
11. Decoctions, infusions of herbs, roots, house plants, etc., stimulating the development of the central nervous system, you can easily find in specials. literature
12. Communication of a child with pets gives a strong emotional impetus that excites and activates the cerebral cortex. Goats, sheep, cows, horses have powerful health-improving energy. To normalize muscle tone, sheep wool (you can use a shank of a felt boot) dip in boiling water with sea salt (2 tablespoons per 1 glass or 8 tablespoons without a slide per 1 liter of boiling water), cool by natural cooling to a temperature of 37-40 degrees, and put as a compress on the place where the muscle tone is changed. The compress time depends on age: 5 months - 5 minutes, 18 months. - 18 min., etc.
13. Teach your child to listen to nature. Its sounds have a positive effect on the entire nervous system as a whole. They are not difficult to buy on discs and cassettes.
14. In educational games for spilling, shifting, reaching, etc., try to use natural material: cones, twigs, pebbles, leaves, vegetables, etc. Replace plasticine with wax. Draw with charcoal and sand. Sculpt from clay, make crafts, fantasize. Wheat, rye, cereals, peas are suitable for many games to develop fine motor skills.
15. Most importantly, do not break the nature of the child himself. If this afternoon he sleeps for 5 hours in a row, then the nervous system needs it, don’t wake him up. If the child does not eat - do not. Hunger is also healing. The body knows what it needs. Don't force.
I think the point here is clear. Search, fantasize, think, listen to intuition and peer into the child. Everything will work out!
Strength of mind.
Fortitude implies what we call abstract and inexplicable. In fact, these are our emotions, thoughts, feelings.
1. Faith. The Bible says, "According to your faith it will be given to you."
Believe! There are miracles! My son got up and went after the seventh communion. I believed in God, prayed as best I could. My mother prayed. As the priest said: “Children get sick not “for what?”, But “why, for what?” Often - for our spiritual growth, purification, maturation.
In the first year and a half, my son and I underwent 8 inpatient courses of treatment, an exhausting series of specialists and far from disappointing diagnoses. We experienced a respiratory arrest, after which, in complete despair and fatigue, we left the city and arrived in the village to our grandmother. Seeing my condition, my mother took matters into her own hands. She gave us strawberries (leaves and roots) to drink, drove us out into the street for the whole day, introduced us to the church, to communion.
A month later, I came to my senses, connected. I started doing the above. After 6 months of life in the village, the baby went.
I bow to you, my dear mother, for patience, for faith, for love, for this small life and a great miracle. God bless you too.
2. Feelings. Until the age of 9, the child and mother are one. The mother's feelings are the ground for the growth of the child. May this soil be filled with kindness, love, warmth. Do not allow any negative, negative, weak feelings, emotions, thoughts. Do not pollute the soil with nitrates and poisons.
3. Love. About strength maternal love not just one legend. Love baby! Give him your love every second!
4. Communication. Communicate, do not isolate yourself. The world was not born yesterday, there are people - there is experience. You will definitely be helped, supported, advised.
Last but not least, the power of knowledge!
1. Learn to massage yourself, the first steps are desirable with the help of an instructor. The book by Nikita Yakushenets “If your child has cerebral palsy”, Peter, 2004, is very successfully and accessible, clearly written. There you will also find acupressure. The book is like a textbook. Depending on the possibility and level of development of the child, you select the necessary exercises and elements of massage. The author of the book is convinced that if the parents wish, there will definitely be a victory.
2. Learn more information about the disease, and then it will become easier for you to understand what is happening, to find ways to treat and help your child.
Specialist books psychology, education and upbringing, speech therapy are quite exciting and interesting. The main thing is not to be lazy, but to persistently go towards the goal. May God give you strength, patience, wisdom and health."