Children grow up, mature and leave their parents. This is normal, but unfortunately, it is not always possible to remain close people, kindred spirits and friends. The resentment and misunderstanding accumulated for many years can separate the most dear people - mother and son. Catherine's letter is about that.

Hello dear psychologists and lawyers of the divorce site! Tell me how to be? The guy grew up in a normal family. The mother filed for divorce due to her husband's alcoholism when her son was 12 years old. I bought an apartment for my husband. The son went to his father regularly. He kept "denouncing" his mother, inventing reasons. During this time, the mother hires tutors for her son to enter the institute. 2 times he was expelled from there for rude behavior. Mother ran, asked for him. Ultimately, the son dropped out of college. At the age of 19, the son's father dies (grandfather). Mother worked and endured hard time caring for their old and sick parents. The son wanted to live separately, because was formally registered in the apartment of his grandfather, where later he did not allow his mother to visit. Then he sells his grandfather's apartment and asks to register him temporarily in his mother's apartment (there was still a registration at that time) in order to buy a car. The mother refuses because of fear of the difficult nature of her son and other consequences. The son bought, nevertheless, a one-room apartment for himself, but now he has not communicated with his mother for 20 years. Now the son is already 41, the mother is 71. Leave it as it is? Thanks for the possible advice.

Best regards, Ekaterina.

The history is many years old, which means that the problems in it are chronically neglected. In other words, over the years, additional ones have been screwed up on some basic problem. And if we consider that they have been winding up for at least 20 years ... the language does not turn out to give an unambiguous answer. It is almost impossible to untangle a twenty-year tangle of grievances and mutual claims in the form of correspondence.

As it becomes clear from the letter, the son does not want to make contact with the mother. Apparently there are good reasons for this. But what the mother did in order to improve relations, we do not know. If nothing else, it’s strange that she was worried about this situation only now, two decades later. And if she was constantly looking for a way out of the situation, but the results were zero, then how could the son be upset in order not to pay attention to the suffering of his mother for so long? It is not because of the refusal of registration that one can refuse the mother for the rest of his life. I'm sure everything there is much more complicated and deeper than the housing issue ...

The only way out is to find a way to talk heart to heart between mother and son and forgive each other. It is from the heart and from the heart, without reproaches and insults from the mother. How exactly to do this, mother's heart knows and will prompt.

If this is not destined to come true, and the son flatly refuses and does not want to hear anything, then there is another way out for the mother - write letters. Yes, yes, just letters, ordinary paper letters, which we so rarely began to write to each other. It is up to the mother to send them to her son or not. You can try sending a couple. Or you can just write them for yourself. There is such a technique in psychology when dealing with grievances. It consists in the fact that the client writes a letter every day (in this case, the mother writes to her son), in which he asks for forgiveness from a relative with whom relations are very badly damaged. The point is that first you need to forgive yourself, and then your relative (son). We absolutely do not know how to forgive others, because we do not know how to forgive ourselves. Writing letters helps a lot with this. You should start the letter like this: "Dear son, forgive me for ....". Be sure to write daily, at least for a month. Do not underestimate this technique, it works therapeutically and allows you to take a big burden off the soul of the writer. Resentment, guilt, disappointment, misunderstanding and much more overwhelm both the son and the mother, and all this does not allow them to look at the situation from a different angle.

I hope I somehow managed to answer Catherine ... I do not advise anyone to leave the situation as it is. While we are alive, it is useful for us to analyze our life path and experience, seek solutions and exits, forgive and love.

I'll end with one of my favorite phrases: if you don't know where the exit is - look for the entrance.

Another mother, who complained about the taciturnity of modern teenagers, brought two brothers to class. Once we touched on the topic computer games, the guys said that there was a horror game about an abandoned house and a zombie family: "Now we are looking at the reviews - then we are planning to buy."

It was clear that the topic is catchy, I found a video about the passage of the game. And at two o'clock in the morning I sit in the kitchen, on the screen the head of the zombie family treats the main character with someone's entrails, and then attacks him with an ax.

Not the most educational hours of my life, but it was worth it: when during the conversation I mentioned a strange character from the second floor, the brothers' gaze instantly changed. Because it suddenly turned out: adults can also be interested in what attracts them; adults not only scold these "stupid toys", but can seriously discuss them.

But is it easier to be offended?

True, this takes time: watch the review, read the comments ... It is much easier to be offended, because “offended” does not interfere with cleaning, washing dishes, mowing the lawn in the country, watching football: you turn on the TV and you suffer calmly.

And to be on the same wavelength with them, you need to strain. Moreover, you cannot watch a couple of videos in the evening, and then receive dividends until the eighteenth birthday.

I remember how I heard “Ivan Gai” for the first time in a lesson - I had to watch a dozen videos on his blog. But already in next year this knowledge turned out to be absolutely useless: "What are you, Dmitry, no one is looking at Ivan Gaya now!"

Photo source: ya-roditel.ru

When children are not even asked!

Of course, the topics are not limited to bloggers and games. A friend says that she and her husband cannot decide where to go on vacation: they choose between Greece and Montenegro.

What does the son think?

He will definitely be better in Greece.

That is, they did not even try to ask the child, and this is an excellent topic of conversation. He suggested - they asked, in the end, in a day, the parents received by mail (and what else!) An Excel file, in which the son compared two options for a dozen criteria and displayed the average scores for each of them.

It is clear that it will not work with everyone, in response to a request to discuss a vacation, you can easily hear: "I don't care!" But there are other family themes: some of the children will be happy to help you choose a car or a computer, someone will take part in choosing a dress for mom to go to a corporate party. It seems that there is nothing special in these tips, but for some reason many people forget about the simplest topics.

Just please, don't lisp

My dear, tell me how is your day? What's interesting? What clothes would you like to choose today? (even better, "clothes")

That does not work, I was once again convinced by the example of doctors. When one of the children gets sick, we invite Dr.Andrey - he instantly finds mutual language with child.

He does not lisp, does not ask how they study and what circles they attend - he initiates a conversation, shows medical devices from a magic suitcase, offers to hold a flashlight, explains how it all works and why it is needed. When the doctor left for a conference one day, I had to go to another doctor. And he began a dialogue with the usual:

And how old are you? Where do you study? What do you like to do?

Yeah, the child was just waiting to tell the unfamiliar bearded guy about his hobby. Moreover, the doctor is not at all embarrassed that he is asking the thirty-ninth question, and his patient has not really answered the first one.

Be interesting to your child

My kids love to spend time with their grandfather. He does not ask about grades and other production successes, but constantly tells something interesting.

We walk through the forest - about bugs and spiders, an airplane flew by - facts from the history of aviation, then about ships and much more. Of course, in order to tell something interesting, you need to accumulate this interesting in your head. And many parents are sure that children should be fun and exciting with them just by the fact of birth.

Photo source: Alwaysbusymama.com

This works only in the first years of a baby's life, when we are for him the main source of information about the world around him. And then we have competitors: TV, tablet, Google ... There is little knowledge that a tree is something big and a bush is smaller.

It is clear that the Internet will still know more, but we can select the most interesting and present it at the most appropriate time, we can express our attitude, listen to what the child thinks about this.

We can also joke - and this is a powerful tool.

Adults stubbornly want to be somewhere high, on a parental pedestal - hence the constant assessments, recommendations that no one asked for. What do many moms and dads do when a child complains about a teacher or a bully classmate? They immediately give out a hundred ready-made recommendations.

And they were asked? Or they just wanted support and sympathy, understanding, in the end: "Yes, son, this is insulting", "Masha behaved strangely, you are right."

Photo source: ottawayouthcounselling.com

Advice should be given when asked. If you really want to, then without teachings, the easiest way is to tell about your experience: “When I was in the fifth grade, I had complicated relationship with a math ... "

In general, we need to speak more ourselves. If the parents' daily dialogue boils down to an exchange of interjections "well?"

We need to show an example!

We leave the cinema and do not ask what you liked the most, but say about ourselves: "The moment with the snail is, of course, the funniest ..." From interrogation to exchange of views.

The same is with evening conversations: when mom and dad tell each other whom they met during the day, discuss the news, the child sees that this is possible, and gradually turns on himself. Moreover, during such a conversation, you can ask about the school, but not about grades and tests: “How did that story with the physicist end?”, “My mother and I remembered that there was a guy in the class who annoyed everyone. Probably every class has one? "

If the interest is sincere, the child feels it and makes contact. In the vast majority of cases. Few have had to see children who would not want to talk to their parents. Usually they really want to! But precisely to talk, and not to be interrogated.

My son is 23 years old, six months ago he went to live with a girl, promising to return home in a week or two, explaining that we need to calm down and think about the current situation. But he did not return, deceived me. He stopped answering calls, dropped phone calls or rude to me so that I did not call him and we did not communicate. I changed tactics and stopped calling him. It torments me that he never did this. My son always worried and helped me, I always trusted him. We had good relationship. He changed so after an unsuccessful love in 19-20 years. He met with a girl for almost 2 years, but broke up. He blamed me for everything, although we had friendly relations with her, but she was in search of another person, because from the outside it’s better? The girl started working early and earning money (in a good way) to solve problems. The girl went to China, and then to America and there she found herself a husband. what to talk, different interests. And here he meets a girl almost 4 years older than himself. He developed an interest in her and, of course, sexual! He studied at the university and met with her (from Friday to Sunday he stayed with her). I called , found out how you were, was very worried about these hostels. He was furious. He became very rude to me, cunning, and the most offensive said that he was not given anything in his life. But he was raised, loved, cared for, protected, to enter the budget they took tutors.Further more, I studied in Germany in the summer and did an internship there We paid for the German courses so that he knew the language fluently. let go of the situation (I don’t call), we don’t communicate. But resentment eats me up and his hurtful words do not leave my head. The situation has reached a dead end, although there is a way out of any situation, there is no way out only from the coffin. How to be and live on without suffering I would be very grateful to the advice. Thank you to everyone who will not remain indifferent to my tragedy.

Hello, Natalia! let's see what's going on:

his son is 23 years old, six months ago he went to live with a girl, promising to return home in a week or two, explaining that we need to calm down and think about the situation, but he did not return, he deceived me.

You perceive HIS choice as a betrayal, as a deception. Those. he did NOT act as expected YOU and YOU were offended - but this is his life and he CAN build it the way he wants - if his choice was to leave (NOT FROM YOU, but TO YOUR life), then you have to decide - either let go of your son or continue to cling to your resentment. As long as you take offense at him, YOUR relationship with him will NOT be built! You will blame him for your offense, try to return what was before and you will not let go, he is trying to break out of this connection with you - and in order for the son to start HIS life, he needs to move away from YOU! and you, in order to maintain a relationship with him - you need to accept it!

He stopped answering calls, dropped phone calls or was rude to me so that I didn't call him and we didn't communicate. I changed tactics and stopped calling him. It torments me that he never did that. My son was always worried and helped me, I always trusted him. We had a good relationship.

You had the kind of relationship that suited YOU and him when he was even younger! BUT you did NOT build your life, your whole life revolved and revolved around your son. But he left - now he needs to build YOUR life, and not hold on to you, that's why he shortens the distance, building a NEW relationship with you - this relationship is not comfortable for you, you just cannot accept that he is moving away, and that HE NEEDS IT, because it deprives you of all the foundations of your life, deprives you of support. BUT - and you put too much on him - made him your emotional partner, he helped you, supported you, you trusted him - i.e. was on a par with you - but your position gave rise to this dependence, emotional dependence. Therefore, it’s hard for you now, breaking off this dependence, everything is torn inside you - now you don’t know who to rely on, who to trust? You need to let him go and switch to your life - only HOW can you PRESERVE your relationship with him, NOT destroying either yourself or him!

here he meets a girl almost 4 years older than himself. He developed an interest in her and, of course, sexual interest! He studied at the university and met with her (from Friday to Sunday he stayed with her). I called, found out how were you, very worried about these bunkers. he was mad

and this is normal - he is a young man, he has needs, including sexual ones, BUT he was always under your apt gaze, there were too many of you in his life, he felt that he could NOT separate from you, that you continue to be near is for a man, if he wants to grow up and create his own family, this closeness with his mother is unsafe - because then he cannot build other trusting emotionally relations with his girlfriend, because the place has already been taken by his mother - that is why he began to move away. you saw that he does not like your invasion, BUT you still continue to wait for him to return to you!

He became very rude to me, cheated, and the most offensive said that he was not given anything in life. But he was raised, loved, cared for, protected, to enter the budget, they took tutors. Then he studied more in the summer in Germany and did an internship there. We paid for the German courses so that he could speak the language fluently. I failed my diploma because I lived and studied with a girl. Now he works in a good place, spends his weekends in Europe. Our relationship is not built in any way.

blaming someone is always easier - BUT - did you give all this to your son in order to guarantee yourself later that he will be there all the time? will be grateful to you? is it now a means of manipulation? You gave everything - BUT - it was YOUR choice, you did not create your life. He's trying to separate. You are resisting! There is only one result - the confusion between you - it closes more and more, as it sees your offense, which means you are still waiting for it; You are trying to find a way to get him back. This is NOT an option - it will NOT actually help you get closer to your son! Only by letting go of him, you can maintain a relationship with him, and for this you need to return TO YOURSELF!

Natalia, if you really decide to figure out what is happening - you can feel free to contact me - I am working with similar problems in the relationship between parents with grown-up children - call me - I will be glad to help you!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

Hello, Natalia.

He became very rude to me, cheated, and the most offensive said that he was given nothing in his life.But he was raised, loved, cared for, protected

Perhaps they gave TOO much. From the way you describe the situation, you tried to make his life better. It is only important to understand about yourself, you have not forgotten?

I have no relationship with my son, the only and beloved one. I left the family after 18 years of marriage because it was impossible to continue. This has been going on for 10 long years. The son appears, then disappears for years with the words: "What happiness that I can send you to f ... poo."

It is impossible to divorce a child, somehow I got used not to suffer. It is clear that she herself is to blame, but sometimes she presses so hard. Tell me, is the loss of respect and love forever? I read the correspondence, often your answers fall on my soul, respond in it. All my relatives died, my son was left alone, but he does not want to communicate with me. Doesn't give an address and phone number. He is over 30, I am over 50, I work. I live with animals, I love them very much. Advise on how to best behave.

Irina

Dear Irina! Not everyone has a close relationship with their parents. It would seem, who can be closer to the father and mother! But no, often internal contradictions go so far that relatives become almost enemies ...

You just need to courageously accept this situation, which you can hardly change. Thank God that your soul has not hardened in response to the cruelty of your son, because you still love him. And everything else is his problem. No one has canceled the commandment, which Christ wrote with his own finger on stone tablets: "Honor your father and your mother, and you will be long on earth." That is, each person is obliged to help parents, to surround them with care, regardless of what grievances he harbored against them. For violation of this commandment, punishment must necessarily follow. You can only pray for your son, and his heart may one day respond. The mother is so energetically connected with her child that this thread is not interrupted even after death. Unfortunately, too often we begin to understand the importance of certain people for us only after their irrevocable departure. My advice: the next time your son visits you, do not utter a single word of reproach to him. Just say that you were madly bored, ask about his affairs, ask him to appear more often, or at least call.

Of course, such a sharp confrontation, like yours, is rare. But, believe me, it is just as infrequent that adult children treat their parents as close friends, consult with them, and discuss their affairs. Yes, out of a sense of duty they visit and help. But I don’t remember that one of my friends told how a son or daughter called her to a cafe just to get worn out, invited to go to the theater or to the cinema together. Our society does not at all imply friendship between mother and son. Daughters-in-law, as a rule, out of jealousy and fear of losing control over her husband, try to prevent such friendship. And society will not hesitate to christen him "mama's son". This is a reality that we cannot resist and with which we must simply accept, consoled with love and prayer.