Divorce of parents - a blow to the family

Do you live with only one of your parents? This means that you most likely know what a divorce is, and not by hearsay. You are powerless to do anything, and the realization of this only makes it worse. No matter how much you want, you will not be able to unite your family ...

The worst thing is if mom and dad are in a conflict relationship. You don't know which side to take because you love both parents. You have different feelings, but you need to deal with them.

Here are some tips to help you in this difficult situation.

Don't judge your parents or yourself.

It may seem to you that you are to blame for everything. Remember that it is not! Even if you become the perfect daughter, it is not in your power to help your parents keep the family together. Believe me, your behavior does not depend on whether your parents can be together. What happened is not your fault. Therefore, drive away stupid thoughts! The conflict took place between mom and dad, and you are not to blame for anything. They divorce each other, but not you. You can communicate with both of them, although not in the same way as before. Both mom and dad love you no matter what happened between them.

Maintain neutrality

Whatever relationship your parents are in right now, you don't have to take sides. Try to remain neutral. Don't think that one parent is bad and the other good. Alas, conflicts often happen between good people ... It just so happens that your parents cannot be together. Do not rack your brains over who is right and who is wrong. Just try to keep a good relationship with both.

Don't fall under the hot hand

Your mom and dad can be very offended. And in front of you, they often express everything that they think of each other. And more often than not, they do not skimp on words. As soon as the showdown begins, ask them to stop these conversations. If they want to, let them complain to friends, but not to you. After all, you love both mom and dad, and you need both of them. And if you listen to their complaints, it will be difficult for you. After all, you also need to sort out your own feelings!

Do not be afraid to ask what you are interested in.

Nobody will blame you if you ask what the consequences of a divorce will be. After all, it is important for you to know how your relationship will change in the future! For example, if a father leaves the family, you can ask where you can see him and how these meetings will take place.

Feel free to talk about your feelings.

You are now experiencing a whole bunch of the most varied feelings and emotions. Sadness, disappointment, anger, despair, confusion ... All this is absolutely normal, anyone in your situation will experience the same! You shouldn't keep everything to yourself. If you don't want to talk about your experiences with your parents, talk to a friend, boyfriend, or psychologist. The people around you sympathize with you and are ready to help and support you!

Don't forget about other family members

Although your parents parted, you still have other relatives - grandmothers, grandfathers, brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts. If you have a good relationship, keep it up and keep in touch with your family members!

Don't make the situation worse

Yes, divorce is hard to survive. But don't make this stressful situation worse! Do not self-destruct - do not drink alcohol, do not try to "seize" stress, and even more so do not take drugs. This will not only not help you, but, on the contrary, will only aggravate the situation. Remain in a sober mind, and you will be able to better deal with your feelings and find a way out of the most difficult situation in life.

Don't Think Bad About Marriage

Often, girls who have divorced parents have a negative attitude towards marriage and relationships with guys. They may avoid close relationships with young people, shun them, or despise them.

Remember: the fact that your parents are divorced is not the reason that you will not have a full-fledged family! You don't have to repeat the mistakes of your parents. On the contrary, you must cope with the problem and find the strength to live and create a strong family! It depends only on you how you and your boyfriend will build your relationship. If you really love each other, then learn to forgive flaws and put up with them!

Sometimes divorce is really the best solution. After all, if the house constantly goes cold war, if parents every minute harass each other with nagging and skirmishes, quarreling about and without, it is unlikely that you will be pleased to live in such a terrible atmosphere. Home is a place where everyone can relax, feel protected and surrounded by love. What if the house turns into barricades and bastions for battle? It's time to flee ...

Therefore, it will be better if the parents just quietly divorce and live separately, without hurting each other. You will be able to communicate with each of them. Perhaps your relationship with both mom and dad will become stronger and more trusting than before. The most important thing is to know: no matter how the relationship develops in your family, the black stripe is always followed by the white one.

How to adapt to a stepfather or stepmother?

This is one of the most difficult tasks that you will have to solve. Of course, you perceive the new person as uninvited guest who invaded your family! What right does he have to the love and attention of mom or dad? You feel irritated, angry, you feel your uselessness ... Your own house no longer seems to belong to you. It seems that someone took away what was once yours.

You don't want this person to be here. But they didn’t ask you, as if you didn’t live here.

You cannot come to terms with the fact that your dad or mom seem to love you less. This feeling is enhanced if you think that your stepmother or stepfather is trying to replace your second parent. You feel resentment and rage and resist it. But try to look at the situation from the outside. Maybe your stepmother or stepfather is not trying to replace your lost mother or father? On the contrary, they want to show that they value you. Sometimes you even notice that you are being given special attention.

You find that your home has become better organized with the arrival of a new person. You understand: they began to care more about you, people are interested in your opinion. They began to treat you like an adult.

Sometimes, when mom or dad remarry, you even feel relief. It's great if your parents are happy and their life changes in better side! This is much better than if your parent is lonely and unhappy ...

When a dad or mom marries again, stepbrothers or sisters may also appear in your life with your stepmother or stepfather. Of course, you should not think that this will go smoothly and painlessly for you: conflicts and rivalry for the attention of adults may well begin between you. But you'll see, the quarrels will soon pass! Your relationship will improve, you just need to want it. If you stop feeling like strangers to each other, you will begin to understand each other better. Maybe even turn into best friends - who knows!

At first, of course, you will not see stepbrothers or sisters as family members. But soon you will begin to count them sooner cousins or sisters.

It is always more difficult to get used to new brothers or sisters when they move into your house. The tension increases even if there are few rooms in the apartment or house. It may even get to the point that at first you will hate these people, because you have to share your home with them.

How can you ease the situation and improve relationships with new family members? After all, this way you will do better for yourself - why do you need constant conflicts and a showdown?

Here are some tips to help you:

- think about how difficult it is for mom or dad now;

- your stepbrothers and the sisters also have a hard time, they feel confusion and insecurity. Do not forget about it! Try to look confidently into the future and take everything optimistically;

- write a list of what worries you. Think about who you can discuss the situation with;

- make a list of all the positive that you can get from this situation;

- if someone does something good, be sure to say it out loud;

- trust your negative emotions to a reliable friend or write down in your diary - this is better than ripping off yours Bad mood on loved ones.

Surely many have heard of such a herb: mother and stepmother. But few people know why this herb was nicknamed such a complex name. The fact is that if you look at the leaf of this plant from “the face and from the inside out,” you can see that one side of the leaf is warm, affectionate, fluffy to the touch: this, it is clear to everyone, is the mother. And the other, the lower side, if you touch it, is cold, hard and slippery (though not prickly, but thanks for that too). This, as it should be understood, is a stepmother.

This is the attitude that our people have long had towards their stepmother: they say, everyone is always the same cold, tough and repulsive ... And that's why a woman who, by the will of fate, marries a widower or a divorcee burdened with children, just shudders at the frequent jokes of friends: “Well what, are you becoming a wicked stepmother? " Why is it necessarily evil ?!

A man who has managed to sue a child for himself, either feels in himself sufficient confidence that he himself will be able to raise a child (as he says "Without women", especially if it is a son), or ... already at the time of divorce has the woman to whom he will leave together with the child. And it is not uncommon for a situation when the presence of a “next wife” is a positive argument for the court. And the children remain for the father. But not every woman realizes quite clearly how difficult it is to be a stepmother ...

Yes, the stepmother is an eternal negative character. We'll talk more about where this opinion came from, but sometimes this belief forces many women to go to the other extreme: to try with all their might to prove that the stable phrase "evil stepmother" is not about her. And that she is even better than her own mother. What is called - wants to be holier than dad Roman. And he begins to caress her husband’s child, to allow him everything, load it up and so on. The child immediately senses that it is possible to finally loose his girdle, or even begins to almost deliberately treat his stepmother, scoff at her. And the stepmother will rub herself off and keep silent: why, if she showed (especially now, after cuddling and begging) at least some severity towards this child: she will be reproached immediately: "Well, why not - stepmother !!!"

Of course, it is not worth starting the situation to such an extent. Even if you happen to be a stepmother, it is not at all necessary to present yourself to the child, as they say, on a silver platter. Even if you completely sincerely do not harbor any anger and aggression towards him. It is better to show the child that you have something to him with all your heart, but also look at him: is it worth it to be friends with him (or her)? Provoke the child to try to conquer (of course, in good sense words) your love, so that you become an interesting person for him, friendship with whom you still need to merit. Of course, here, too, you should not be too arrogant - in general, everything is too much in any situation is not good.

But alas, it is much more often the case: the stepmother really has a grudge against the unfortunate child. And in the presence of her father or neighbors, she and the child are kind and affectionate, but if they are alone ... No, the modern stepmother most often does not beat the child (although, of course, it happens ...). Her arsenal, as a rule, is petty meanness, dirty tricks and humiliation. So what is it. it turns out that Russian folklore is right - they say, really, most stepmothers are evil and insidious? Before answering this question, let's figure out why and why is the stepmother angry with an innocent child? For the answer here is not nearly as simple as you think.

Power struggle

In most cases, the reason for everything is eternal question about power. Often the second wife seeks to gain power over her husband, and with the traditional attitude of fathers to children, this means taking this power away from the child. For the sake of fairness, it should be noted that wives who are not burdened with intellect and age, as a rule, strive for "power" in such a family. Women who are essentially still children themselves. That is, the rivalry for the right to be the first number in the family turns into rivalry between two children ... After all, such women often have the same instrument of influence on their husbands as a child: whims and tears. So, because of this jealousy of the child, the newly-minted rival stepmother deals with him precisely by the methods of the weak: that is, she acts on the sly. Its goal is not to openly sort things out, but to gradually harass the enemy (in this case, the child).

Moreover, it is not at all necessary that the father really considers the child in the family to be the main one! Here again our double morality enters the scene, it only hurts men this time. We take it for granted if tender feelings and the mother feels love for the child. But if the father ... In this case, it is certainly considered that for the father this child is the most important thing in the world (even more important than the wife, says such a stepmother). And that's what she doesn't like. And she does what she can to fight for her superiority.

First, she would know that it is not at all necessary for this father to have a child - the only light in the window. That in his heart there will surely be a place for new wife, especially if this marriage did not come from need and not out of pity, but precisely out of love and consent, as well as psychological understanding.

Secondly, you should never compare two qualitatively different loves: for a woman and for a child! Even if the father considers his child to be everything for himself, love for his wife is like a different kind. And it's not even a matter of sexual relationships (any deeply rooted love is based on the foundation of sexuality!). And the fact that to different people - different love, and first of all - to the wife and the child: of course, love is different in form and content, and not in quantity.

Of course, many can give the opposite example: they say, when a woman has a child, often there is no room in her heart for her husband ... This, excuse me, is not love for her husband, this is the perception of him as an accessory for conception. And that's why it turns out: the child is born - the husband is no longer needed. Therefore, advice to potential stepmothers: before rushing into such a family, make sure that you are taken there precisely as a wife (preferably a loved one), and not for the purpose of everyday life for the child. Otherwise, it may turn out that way: the child is well-groomed - love for a woman has dried up as unnecessary. Although, of course, the child must be courted constantly. Therefore, you can not be afraid in this case, although you do not hope for a particularly hot passion.

And thirdly: not every stepmother fights with a child for power and for the love of a man and a father. The woman who has a fairly sober (I would say "adult" mind, even if she is not so many years old), who clearly understands that she is not an additional child in this family, but a wife and mother. And who is not afraid of losing her importance and therefore does not feel the need for constant self-affirmation - she will not need to become an evil stepmother. Therefore, you should not invite immature girls to the role of stepmother, hoping that, due to the small age difference, they will find it easier mutual language with your child.

How and when to tell the child that the mother is adopted

Coming to the family as a stepmother, you can run into more serious problems than finding out who is more important for a man. If only everything were so simple !!! But the task is more difficult. When a child is small, he is often not told that his father's new wife is a step-mother. Especially when the mother either died or left her father, leaving him almost a nursing baby (yes, this happens for various reasons, and not so rarely). And the father, having married (sometimes hastily so that the child does not know that the mother is not his own), then tells the child that this is his real mother. Is it correct? And what could this be fraught with for such a new mother?

Whatever they say, but in the process of grooming and upbringing, the mother spends more time with the children than the father, and is often more significant to them. Therefore, the tragedy with the stepfather will repeat here, when the stepfather is passed off as a father, only many times stronger and more painful for the child. If, in the case of the stepfather, the child will only have a feeling of deception (albeit strong, but only deception), then if he discovers and understands that the stepfather was passed off as his own, then he will immediately recall the myth about the evil stepmother and will consider that this woman not only did she lie to him all his life, but she also treated him all his life!

After all, upbringing is not a smooth process, every child has something to be offended by his mother, even if she acted quite fairly and reasonably. And then the fact that the child, even with difficulty, but would have forgiven his own mother, turns into a fatal and bloodthirsty insult, and even into a reason for serious psychotrauma. Often children (already teenagers, if they got to the bottom of the fact that their mother is not their own) run away from home, just to escape "from the terror of the evil stepmother," who just asked the child to do homework for tomorrow ...

How to be? In the same way as in the situation with the stepfather: do not hide the truth from the child, but also do not impose, constantly emphasizing that "this mother is not your own." In this way, it is also possible to ensure that the child, in principle, stops paying attention to her. After all, in the end, when a child grows up in a family with a man and a woman, it would never even enter his head to find out whether these people are related to him by blood. He simply calls them mom and dad (although it often happens that a woman is not a father's wife, but a sister or other relative). And a woman who raises a child from the very first days, feeds, dresses, warms, takes care of him - this is, of course, a mother.

However, when he gets older, he can be told that another woman gave birth to him. It is not necessary to say that she died if her own mother is still alive: it is enough to say that she did not have a good relationship with her father, and therefore she left. And that she did not take the child with her - it means that there were reasons for that, which means that mom was sure that dad would better than she, protect and raise the child (here you can slightly twist your soul so that the child does not have the impression that he is mom was not needed).

And if the mother is dead, then, no matter how blasphemous it sounds, everything is easier: to say that the mother is no more, and older children are sometimes taken to the mother's grave (of course, such a shock is not necessary for the little ones). And most importantly, do not transfer your adult complexes and fears to children. And when the time will come- you can tell that he had TWO mothers. And by the way, it is not at all necessary to use the words native and non-native - although they are familiar in this situation. but one of them is clearly negatively colored, and the child will feel it. So just say that one mother gave birth to him and the other raised him. That's all.

How to improve relationships in a child

Many women, when marrying a man with a child, ask how to gain the trust of this child. I answer: first of all - do not be hypocritical in front of the little man and do not lisp. Children are very sensitive to falsity in relationships. In general, the success of your relationship with such children largely depends on what you need from their dad.

If a woman marries such a man for some kind of mercantile reasons, then children are perceived not as an extension of a loved one, but as an obsessive obstacle to achieving a goal or as something interfering underfoot. Then you can lisp as much as you like - the child will feel the insincerity of your relationship and will soon become angry with you. Then you will have no choice but to become an evil stepmother ... But if you sincerely accept the child, then he will reach out to you with all his heart. Although, maybe not right away.

After all, children also have jealousy, and sometimes very strong. It manifests itself again where the child is forced to fight for power. In particular, for the attention of my father. If in the first family the child was spoiled, he certainly does not want new mom established her own rules and became the main one for her father ...

Alas, it is difficult for a child to explain that these things are incomparable. But you can say that even if his dad loves you, he will not love the child less because of this. And if a child protests against the fact that now the world does not revolve around him alone, such reproaches can be ignored. In the end, one day you need to start raising a person from a spoiled egocentric person, otherwise he will sit on the neck of both you and your father, and both of you will never be able to please him.

Children are often jealous of the so-called memory of their parents: "Dad, you used to love mom, but now you love another aunt?" Here it is not necessary to philosophize too much about the fact that love happens more than once: if a child is small, he will not understand this and will consider that you are answering, if only he lags behind. (And if the child is a teenager, as a rule, he will not ask such questions).

Tell your baby honestly that your relationship with your mother did not work out, and therefore you broke up ... And for those who say, “You see how dangerous it is to demonstrate that parents love each other with a child!” I will say: this is also not confirmation that parents with a child should be prudes.

Yes, the child should see that the parents are pleasant to each other. But if the situation turns into divorce, there will probably not be kisses and hugs, but a showdown or silent tension ... Well, the parents did not have love, and the kisses before the divorce were probably less than tension. Therefore, let the kisses be, but not demonstrative. If your relationship is deteriorating, do not hug in front of your child, letting him know that everything is fine with you. Again, the child will feel that such a hug is not real.

And most importantly, learn to communicate so that you don't get caught up in divorce in your second family. And for this, marrying a second time with a child in your arms, look first of all for yourself a beloved and loving wife, and not a housewife and not a nanny for the child. Otherwise, all the problems with the evil stepmother will be yours. In this case, it is cheaper to hire a housekeeper or a nanny for money ...

Father's role

Yes, a lot depends on the child's attitude to the father. If the child is accustomed to manipulating the pope and considers the father to be his inseparable property, then again two "quiet jealousies" will clash (if the stepmother also enters the fight for the father). The child begins to use the same methods: sneaky meanness and dirty tricks.

There are plenty of examples: from ruining my dad's wife’s new cosmetic bag to flushing the unfortunate woman’s personal savings down the toilet, or even openly sneering that today, “a stranger came to her,” although in reality there was no one ... And most importantly, the stepmother often simply not able to punish the child or respond to him in the same way (as his intellect allows): in any conflict between the child and the stepmother, anyone invariably takes the side of the "orphan" and stigmatizes the "evil stepmother."

There is only one way out, and it is especially good for intelligent and self-confident wives. Here we are talking: child, stepmother, but where, excuse me, dad? It's time for dad to enter the arena of interpersonal relationships in his own family. In other words, if you consider it beneath your dignity to sort things out with your husband's child, seek help directly from his father. And do not set the father against the child, behaving like a little one yourself, but seriously talk like two adults that you should all change your communication tactics.

In particular, if a child is fighting for his father, it means that communication with his father should be imposed on him to some extent. If a child demands that his parents go with him to the zoo or to the cinema, say: "I have no time, go with dad." (Of course, you have enough adulthood not to suffer that you yourself did not get to the zoo?). Show that you are not all trying to take the father away from him, that you are sure that the child is in no way a competitor to you.

And if the child wants to gossip about you to his father, then the father should show awareness: “Oh, are you talking about this? Thank you. I already know. And this is not at all interesting ... ”And father should also punish for ruined mother's things, and not necessarily physically. And not because he spoiled the property of his stepmother (otherwise the child will immediately open a new round of the struggle for power: how is it, does the father feel sorry for HER things?), But because he basically spoiled a thing that costs money (even if it was just a memorable inexpensive souvenir), and now you need to buy a new one, so the child will be left without roller skates or a trip on an excursion ...

Of course, this is all possible only if the father, in terms of intelligence and attitude towards his family, is capable of such reasonable behavior, worthy of the head of the family - exactly the leader who cares for the well-being of ALL his subordinates equally and ensures their safety. If the dad claims to be the head only to be left alone and "deal with their own woman's and children's problems" - you can safely overthrow such a dad from the family throne. He, as they say, did not justify the trust. And if he was also serious about the child's slander about the visits of an unknown man - then it is clear that the Pope himself has problems with personal self-esteem and he only keeps on the role of the head of the family due to the fact that he wears trousers, but in fact with this does not cope with the role.

In general, the formation of relations between a stepmother and a child is not only a concern of the stepmother, but also of the father - in the first place. In general, it is unworthy of a defender and head of the family to throw a stepmother to be torn to pieces by a child: they say, they will figure it out themselves. It must be understood that in this triangle the father is the cornerstone, that in the end it is for him that the struggle is going on, and that he, like no one else, has a leading role here, and to withdraw in this situation is nothing but psychological cowardice. And if dad himself puts everything in its place (of course, not from the point of view of brute force), then there may not be a conflict between the stepmother and the child ...

Shifting responsibility or how Cinderella came to be

This brings us to the next aspect of the wicked stepmother problem. How to be and what can happen if the father is physically unable to cope with his important role cornerstone? If he got married only in order to shift all the responsibility to the woman?

... Strictly speaking, those stepmothers who begin to fight with the child on an equal footing, since they are still children themselves, and even in the depths of their souls are fighting for the child's father not as for a husband, but as for a daddy - these are still flowers. A real evil stepmother appears when a mentally weak father, who cannot withstand vital responsibility, marries a strong, domineering woman. And gives her all the reins of government.

Where a woman explicitly or secretly controls a man, and there are real evil stepmothers. Despite the fact that a man for the public is still like the head of the family - well, that's what we do. And this woman needs to constantly prove her power, fight for the right to lead the family, constantly reaffirm her right to be the head of this family. And such women most often show their strength by shouting, swearing, and kicks at ... the children of this very man.

Thus, they seem to kick him himself, as if proving: and you will not do anything to me! And a man who does not really seek to conflict with such a wife (although she is grumpy, but it is convenient to live with her), wipes himself off and is silent ...

What kind of association is it? Right. The Tale of Cinderella. In general, this tale is also far from simple. Children often ask: "Why didn't dad stand up for his daughter, who was offended by her stepmother?" But that is precisely why I didn’t want unnecessary problems. This is the first thing. And secondly, most importantly, this dad probably grew up in a family where the mother was in charge, so he takes women's leadership (or rather, women's diktat) for granted. Surely his first wife was also tough and domineering. By the way, some translations do not say at all that Cinderella's mother died. Like, there was a forester, and he had a daughter ... and it can be assumed that the mother of this daughter did not die at all, but simply ran away, as they say, with a passing hussar, leaving her daughter to her father so as not to tie her hands.

But since the father, after the departure of his first wife, got used to the female leadership, he gradually began to make the head of the family ... his daughter. At least he began to pamper her beyond possible. This is especially well felt in the song from our cartoon about Cinderella: “And in his daughter he did not care for the soul: for a sweet girl, the sun was shining, and the thrush was singing, and the bear was dancing ...” Everything - for the child!

And then, when he finally managed to find a wife, the same domineering he was used to (without even seeing that she had two of her own children), he willy-nilly had to hand over the reins to his wife. So the main psychological trauma for the child was the displacement from the family throne ...

And if you remember Pushkin's tale of the dead princess? Where was daddy? Withdrew, hiding behind royal concerns? Well, speaking of his own, he got to the point that his daughter was almost killed in the forest ... Moreover, the motive “take the child into the forest and leave it to be devoured by the wolves” is present in many fairy tales.

That is, dad is so downtrodden by mom that he does not even mind such an attack on the child ... Or even, it is a sinful deed, and deep down he agrees: after all, this child will not be, some dads believe, there will be no strife and problems, connected with him - we will heal, they say, peacefully and calmly ...

And if the stepmother instructs a devoted servant to destroy the girl in Pushkin, then in other fairy tales (for example, the brothers Grimm), the father himself takes the children into the forest. True, they are not killed and even does something to make them survive ... In general, this is how it should be. And it's not even about my father's softness. And the fact is that from the forced, tucked-in people, even the real executioners do not come out.

There is only one global way out of such a historically formed problem: society should stop gravitating towards patriarchy and admit that a woman can also be the head of the house. After all, there are people (and many of them are males) who simply by their nature are not capable of being bosses, bear responsibility, provide protection ... They do not fight for power, but easily surrender it. So give them that right. Do not call a man "henpecked, mumbled, woman's pleaser, mattress" and so on: it is so convenient for them, and they live like that. And the wife in this way will not be forced every now and then to prove her right to power in the family, she will not torture and terrorize anyone for this, including her husband's children.

Stepmother with her child. Merger of corporations.

But if a woman who comes to a man's house with a child has her own children? What happens in the family in this case?

As many say, “ female love she is emotional towards children. " But no matter how strange it may seem to you, it is not love that is emotional, but a somewhat different kind of attitude ...

If for a man it is more important whom he raised, then for a woman it is important whom she gave birth to. (Therefore, it is women who more often insist on the birth of their child at any cost genetically, while husbands are already agreeing to take the baby from orphanage). It is to the child she has born that she feels Great Affection ... But this is not mother's love! This, if you will, is the value of her own work, the unconscious attitude to the child as to a certain thing (for those who are jarred by the use of the word thing in relation to a child, say, to a certain subject), which she herself did! And with such difficulty she gave it out into the surrounding life!

We often hear that the more difficult the childbirth is, the greater the love of a mother for her child. There is such a dependence, this is true, but not love is stronger, but this animal attachment to the result of one's labor, the appreciation of the thing done by it! Sometimes mothers say: "I got it so dear!" Of course, they mean a difficultly preserved pregnancy, and difficult painful childbirth, and a difficult postpartum period, and not only material costs ... Therefore, they tremble over such a child, they are afraid of losing him - but not because of love, but because of unconscious fear that then, God forbid, you will have to go through all these torments again, and at the same time, what is it all been experienced in vain?

Likewise, sometimes, let's say a woman gets dear mink coat, a car or furniture: I saved up money, denied myself everything, and at the time of deficit I stood in line for many hours - and God forbid someone would steal or spoil this thing! And if, moreover, the thing is made by hand, and hard work has been spent on it? Many have heard that it is often very difficult for an artist to decide to sell a painting, on which many hours of labor and inspiration have been spent ... Yes, the same woman barely washed the floors in the house - and husband goes in dirty shoes, what will she tell him? Or even a rag will stick in the hearts - and all because someone spoiled her work.

And a child is an immeasurably greater work, and in the conditions of our society, where rare husbands help wives to share the difficulties of pregnancy, it is often the work of a woman alone. That is why she trembles exactly for her child ... And there is nothing offensive in such a comparison. This is a natural phenomenon. Just don't confuse this attachment to the result of your labor with love. It is this blind attachment that makes mothers keep their children near them until old age, without giving them to anyone, it is this attachment that tells mothers to drive away potential spouses from their children, depriving children who have already grown up of their own family happiness ...

This attachment is a very dangerous thing if you confuse it with love (love will not allow you to keep your beloved child, depriving him of happiness). Thus, it turns out that in a family where there are children physically close to the woman and the so-called "stepbirds", it is easier for stepbrothers to escape from the "loving" care of the mother and find their own life, their own happiness - while the relatives will sit tied all their lives to the mother's skirt.

But at the same time, it is not at all necessary that a woman will spit on other people's children. If she herself is all right with her own self-esteem, if she is psychologically safe and has a sufficiently mature mind - parental love will go to all children (but not equally, since every child is different, and you cannot love everyone equally). The main thing is to endow children with love so that no one feels a lack of love, so that no one is deprived. True, for this, different children require a different amount and quality of parental attention.

Therefore, the second extreme is provoking competition between children. In an effort to show that they love everyone equally, parents begin to love one child, then another ... thus, the emphasis of love is constantly shifting, provoking children to fight for the fact that parents would finally stop on him. Moreover, as a rule, the struggle begins again, not openly, but surreptitiously ...

This often happens when the parents (and not only the mother, because in this situation, not only the woman has “other people's children”) are not in a very even relationship themselves. And it seems to everyone that the spouse is treating the "step-child" out of revenge. And the mother begins to demonstratively love her, and the father - his ... (remember the same Cinderella: there was just such a mechanism for the ascension of the stepmother's daughters. Only the frightened father, due to his psychological weakness, could not answer in the same way ...) Of course, there are cases when children turn out to be smarter than parents, and even such a provocation does not break their established friendship ... But alas, this rarely happens, because it is very easy to provoke children into a struggle for domination, if the prospect of such domination appeared in principle.

After a while, such a family may appear and common child... How will the relationship develop then?

The appearance of a common child

Oddly enough, common children in a family where both parents already have their own children do not appear often. They say, we already have our own children, and we are already too old in age ... (after all, it is assumed that it is not teenagers who marry children at all, but people over thirty-five or forty). And as a rule, a common child, despite the living conditions and the age of the parents, is born mainly when the relationship between these parents, frankly speaking, is in danger of breaking up. They already have little in common, and now they need a common child as a reliable connecting link ...

Yes, where the parents simply do not know how to psychologically build relationships and often, barely moving away from one divorce, they find themselves in a new pre-divorce situation, the child is also needed as a kind of "proof of mutual love." They begin to vigorously squeeze and caress him: but each of the parents thus proves his love to the other: here, look how I adore our child! And older children become abandoned. Their appearance of a small competitor does not unite, but separates. And between the children, mutual reproaches begin: "If your dad had not married my mom, I would have lived better now!" "Yes, if your mom hadn't forced herself on my dad, and I would have lived better now!" Etc…

Of course, it happens that a common child is accidental, there. where parents don't really care about contraception. Then it's usually for sure the large family- more precisely, the same mega-family that we have already spoken about. And the born child does not become number one, but occupies a place corresponding to the family hierarchy, and most importantly, older children are not humiliated. Thus, there is at least some benefit from the mega-family.

Sometimes a child is a concession to older children who ask a small one, just not to feel small themselves. But this is a trap for children: with the birth of a child they expect to become adults, but they become ... tufted and again abandoned. Moreover, they are never trusted by the little one. Then they feel jealous, because instead of the importance of the elders, they received abandonment of the superfluous, and the child became the main and most significant ...

Of course, I do not want to say that in repeated marriages it is not worth giving birth to common children. First of all, you need to carefully weigh everything - including why you needed this child! And if he is already born, do not reject older children for his sake. At least let them really be the elders. And don't think that your spouse's child will necessarily harm your creature. If you think so, it means that something is wrong in your marital relationship!

Conflict between adoptive mothers and biological mothers

And if the child's own mother is still alive? And besides, he actively interferes in the process of raising a child by a stepmother and a father? Here the situation is again much more acute than in the case of a collision of two fathers. And again, all because of emotional experiences and the impact of society.

Often this mother simply remained lonely, did not build new happiness, and now, solely out of envy, is trying to ruin the life of her spouse. This is, so to speak, the simplest option. But it also happens that the mother does not want to destroy the new family at all. ex-husband... She wants to get her baby back.

How so, they say? Did you give it up yourself during the divorce, and now - back? Why, they say, citizeness, do you approach this issue so lightly? And the "citizen" has nothing to do with it. This often happens when someone around knows that this woman has a child, whom she left to her father during the divorce. Everything! She will not have a calm life in our society: not only does everyone care about someone else's personal life, it is also asserted that this woman violated some unwritten laws, for which she is ashamed and shameful!

Yes, it happens that a woman gives her children to their father during a divorce under the influence of rough pressure, blackmail or simply because of the desire to be left alone ... And when the tension passes, she comes to her senses and tries to return the child. But this usually happens shortly after the divorce.

And if the father already has a different family, but they have not lived together for the first year, and suddenly a woman after years is trying to return the child again - here the situation is most likely different: she was tortured by public opinion. How could you, but what a mother you are ... And away we go. What do you care why she left the child to her father! Remember the parable of King Solomon in the end.

Many women do this precisely out of love for the child (and not because of the very attachment to the result of their labor): they say, his father will be better for him. With what difficulty they make this decision - only God knows. But more often than not, it's hard. They go, one might say., On a feat because of the love for the child. And you start to finish them off with the absence of this love!

Moreover, if our fathers are infringed on the right to children, mothers become infringed if they gave up these children. As a rule, no one monitors whether the mother is allowed to see the child, they do not help her with this: she left it - it is her own fault! The woman is emotionally humiliated - after all, she was guided by the very love, in the absence of which she is reproached ...

And even that "business partnership" in upbringing, which was recommended to fathers, is impossible here: because there is no equality between a new and an old wife. After all, as you know, if the stronger sex competes in the social sphere, then women - in the family, and in particular, in the intimate. Therefore, the second wife can always say my husband left you and chose me - therefore I am more important than you. And I will not cooperate with you on any equal basis! Thus, the natural mother is initially considered a loser in the husband's new family.

Is it any wonder that after such moral beatings, a woman breaks down and begins to steal a child, including with criminal methods, literally begins to break into the family of her ex-spouse? Yes, she just needs something to communicate with the child. And they tell her that she abandoned him, that she is a cuckoo ... After all, in the end they will bring her to the point that she will break loose and to such words: “Yes, I don’t need this child, but I may not see him at all, but you choke on it! (yes, and even so) ... Caution! These are not words, these are emotions, and you cannot take them seriously: it is she who convinces herself. Because otherwise she is not able to get away from the child and from the hail of moral jabs and humiliation ...

And one "smart" dad recorded the words of mom on a tape recorder (when she broke off on the phone in this way) and let the controversial child, who was already 10 years old, listen to him (and she left him nursing). And then the child with fire in his gaze said: “What a mother she is to me! As soon as I heard such words, I don’t love her anymore ”… Of course, you can understand dad. Due to his feeble-mindedness and weakness of soul, he did not find other methods of communication with his ex-wife, except for the same notorious "waving the child" ... As a result, everyone in this situation lost. And another desperate woman threatened to "strangle the child so that no one would get it." This is also a manifestation of emotions, as a way to resist pressure ...

Alas, the exit is again on the social, and not on the personal level. Let the woman decide for herself whether to leave the child to the father, and do not blame her for decision! Of course, after many years after voluntarily abandoning the child, no one will tear this child out of the father's family and give it back to her. But it is dishonorable and indecent to stigmatize her for this. Thus, society provokes conflicts in its environment, and then says that everything is so bad and restless here ... If a person does not have his own personal life, he is interested in someone else's. And in this regard, it is really safer to watch TV shows than to wash the bones of a divorced neighbor who gave the child to her ex-spouse.

But are there any outputs on a family-wide basis? Yes, I have.

First: the already mentioned binuclear family. Here her theoretical merit is that the mother has equal rights to communicate with the child, and there are no humiliated and insulted ...

Second. A mother should certainly become a rational egoist (not egocentric, otherwise many people confuse). That is, take care of your personal well-being first. And it may very well be that if she finds personal happiness, the child will not be so painfully important to her, and the gossip of others will not be so acutely perceived.

Third. The stepmother, that is, the second wife, into whose family the unhappy mother invades (sometimes not willingly, solely under the influence of emotions) - first of all, it is worth taking care of the safety of the children. Many stepmothers go to meet their first wife, offering to become her girlfriend. Please note: this is so atypical that it often looks like a mockery. Of course, the father also does not need to stand aside, however, and not to use forceful methods in relation to the first wife, especially in front of the second. At the very least, it is necessary first of all to remove the acuteness of the conflict. And then to establish new relationships between everyone. And a binuclear family is precisely impossible at such an incandescence.

In any case, for the peaceful resolution of the conflict, the mother needs that her refusal of the child be sincere and voluntary, and not squeezed out. So that later she herself would be happy and - independent of public opinion... This is easiest for women who have a "masculine" - a strong and independent personality.

By the way, about the strong and masculine. How should my father be?

First of all, ensure the safety of the family. At least, again, you should not leave women to the mercy of fate to sort things out: they say, the women will figure it out themselves. They can simply figure it out in such a way that the subject of contention, the child, and another subject of contention, the man himself, will be very sensitive ...

Be the very protector you claim to be. Because the family really dangerous situation for all your loved ones, and not just an ordinary "woman's showdown". In the end, if you really love at least one of these two women (and it doesn't matter which one), ensure the safety of both. Not to mention the safety of the child. And by the way, you can often define this. If a man waved his hand at these two women and said that they themselves would figure it out, it means that both of them are equally strangers to him and he doesn't care what happens to each ...

AND last question- stepmother and stepson. The relationship of heterosexual people who are not blood relatives. Need to say. that in this case, too, everything is more complicated than that of a daughter with her stepfather.

If a stepson and a stepmother have a big age difference, in other words, a mother-son relationship, then the problems of sexual relations are the same as those of a mother and son. But only if a woman seeks to prove to the boy that he is the most dear to him and for this she caresses him and stifles him - the boy can grow up with an inadequate sexual sense of self. True, any boy doesn’t benefit from tamping. And even from his own mother ...

Let me remind you, by the way, that the stepson must have a dad. And if this dad helps his wife raise her son, there are practically no (sexual) problems. And by the way, if a boy sees the father's tender and caring attitude to his stepmother exactly as to his wife, he himself perceives her as a mother. Another thing is that often a woman is dissatisfied in the family, and transfers her love to her son. But this happens not only with the stepmother - and with his own mother. True, if the son is not his own, and the stepmother is young, problems may arise.

And more often it is not love, but mutual hatred, expressed. true, very peculiar.

If the stepmother appeared in the family when the boy was already a teenager, he will pursue a policy of active repression, and will not even think that this is, in essence, an attractive woman. If it seems to him that she is taking his father away from him, he will see her as an enemy and competitor. Let's say, as if the closest friend got married and stopped communicating with former friends: how to treat his wife? Just like a complete bitch who tore off good guy from a healthy team ...

Often teenage stepsons try to ward off their stepmother from their father by slipping another man into her. And then they provoke a "situation of betrayal", so that the father could see ... The goal of the boy is for the father to get divorced and again they live together. But most often there will be no direct seduction: the guy simply does not have enough meanness. After all, boys are most often taught to act openly ... He will lead an open war with his stepmother. Especially if the father in such a situation is trying to "love everyone equally." That, as it is already clear, he will not succeed ...

However, the closeness of a stepmother with a stepson happens, and most often it is provoked by the dissatisfaction of the woman in marriage. But that's not why she pounced on the young man! The motives are different here:
- take the rap for your impotent daddy;
- revenge on my husband: behold, you do not love me, so I will have your child;
- Again to my husband: I will cheat on you with your son, besides, I will set my son up against you.

If the stepson perceives his stepmother as one of the many paternal women, and if the stepmother is young, the son will want to get close to her only in order to compete with his father. Because friendship is friendship, and when the son grew up (as a rule, it is 16-18 years old). They already have a competitive relationship with their father: the carve-up of the role of the head of the family. And if an argument is ripe between father and son, the son may well crush the father by encroaching on his wife - especially if the father does not perceive her as the only and unique wife and mother of his child, but as one of his many girlfriends ...

Thus, it is all about the relationship between father and son and the level family relations father and stepmother. If everything there is firmly in place and the relationship between the parents is not tense, there will be no conflict. If a child sees a mother in his father's wife, and not a casual acquaintance, nothing terrible will happen either. And again, if not twist, the defining personality is the father. Therefore, fathers, before fighting for children and then marrying again, should understand and weigh what responsibility they take upon themselves and how much demand will be from them. It will not be possible to sit on the sidelines, do not hope!

THE AFTERWORD

So, it turns out that the myth of divorce as the collapse of one's life is untenable. And that sometimes divorce becomes almost the only solution to the problem - more precisely, the most effective ... Of course, more often it happens where the psychological situation is neglected, so you should not take divorce as effective remedy to resolve ANY family conflicts: we have already mentioned that the destruction of a family is essentially akin to a surgical operation, which is always better to do only according to indications, after "diagnoses and examinations" of a specialist. Moreover, even if such an "operation" is not a disaster, it does not mean at all that you will endure it easily and then quickly come to your senses! The adaptation period can be long and the losses can be severe. Therefore, ALWAYS, in each specific situation, it is worth weighing what methods this particular situation is most optimal to correct.

I once wrote a post about my father's new "wife"

From the moment that I just did not change my mind on this topic, from anger at her to pity, again for her.

Their town is small, everyone knows each other, as well as everyone knows about each other. She is a familiar personality to many - she teaches at 2 universities. My friends-girlfriends began to find out about the relationship between dad and his passion. Not many people knew that my parents were divorced, so everyone considered it his duty to write to me that they saw my dad with her. Details about her life began to surface. She turned out to be a liar.

1. She told my dad that her divorce coincided with the divorce of my parents, she told me how it all happened, litigation, division of property, etc. BUT !!! She was never married!

2. I told my dad how long I tried to get pregnant, how hard it was to bear my son. BUT!!! The child was adopted, since in childhood she had been ill with something and she cannot have children.

Having learned all this, I got angry at first. I got angry because my dad called me and said that they were trying to conceive, but still (as much as 2 months) it doesn’t work out and she blames him for being old and unable to have children. There was an idea to tell him everything, but after consulting with my brother, I decided to slow down. She even justified her to herself that the poor woman, she has such problems, is lying, because she cannot do otherwise, she wants to keep my dad.

As time went on, she became more and more borzi in the literal sense of the word. I took a position like this: "Dad, you live with her - please, it's your choice, I may not like it, but I accept it. But don't get me involved in your adventures."

I did not communicate with her, and I did not feel the need for it.

I began to notice the oddities on her part - the feeling that she was trying to embroil my dad and me did not leave. And of course my pregnancy played an important role here. After the ultrasound, I called my dad to please that like a boy lives in our belly. Dad was very enthusiastic, moved to tears, immediately set up many plans for raising his grandson, etc. She heard this conversation, her voice was "offscreen". From that moment on, kotovasiya began. Dad works on a rotational basis: 2 weeks in Moscow, 2 weeks at home. So when he is at home, he does not call me at all, he only leaves for Moscow - every day, and several times a day. I began to call him myself when he is at home, she picks up his phone and says that dad is not there, that she will tell him to call me back. I never did. It began to piss me off and strain !!! I told my dad about my thoughts on this matter, he says that he did not know about my calls.

On Easter she sent me a text message with a rhyme. Easter is a bright holiday, you need to think about good things. I wrote to her from the bottom of my heart: "Peace and love in the house", after 5 minutes dad calls with the question: "Why did you offend Ira?" From that moment on, I began to understand that she was very jealous of our relationship with dad, or rather, as it turned out later, she did not want him to communicate with us.

Time passed and dad began to understand himself that Ira was not the woman he needed. She began to try to embroil him with all our relatives and with my brother. She began to cry constantly on the topic: "Your relatives don't like me, they look sideways at me, I don't want to go to them for the holidays and you don't go" (although there were a series of anniversaries, my father's uncles-aunts were 70-75 years old). At first, dad was led to provocations, then he began to walk alone, upon returning home he received a scandal with shouts: "Pack your things and leave", packed up, left, after half an hour she comes running: "Come back, I will forgive everything, I cannot live without you." Sheer nonsense !!! She began to complain about my father’s mother regularly: “She doesn’t love me”, asks her to substantiate this statement, in response: “She looked at me wrong.” Rave!!! By the way, her grandmother took her very well, she was glad that my dad's personal life was getting better.

Then the story with my brother. While she needed him as a cab, she was silent, but as soon as Maly refused the request a couple of times, that was all! "Your son was nasty to me" (He said that he was busy at work and could not take her 2 stops from her house, you can walk there). But her brother's resentment to joy, lagged behind him.

Then dad began to complain about her son more and more often in our conversations. According to him, the boy is not interested in anything. He does not want to study, from two to three, dad does his homework with him, says that every day is like a test. In this case, the child. As I understood, I was used to the fact that my mother did not refuse him anything, for 2 weeks that her father was not at home, Ira spent 30,000 rubles for clothes and toys for him from the “family” budget. They put things in order so that dad, upon arrival, gives 80% of his earnings to her for family expenses, and spends the rest on his own needs. So from these "family" expenses she spent on the child. The only thing Dad asked her was - why did you buy so much for him, for what merits? For deuces? You set a goal for him - a quarter without Cs, an A in math, and then buy gifts. At the same time, she constantly nags dad that he spends a lot on my brother and me. Of all the expenses on me, this is my daughter's laptop, which dad himself decided to give to Nastya before Ira appeared. From spending on my brother - 10,000 for car repairs. And this is in six months. My brother and I were brought up in such a way that no one owes us anything, after the age of 18 we stopped asking for money from our parents, we also stopped living with them. I DO NOT argue, sometimes mom or dad will decide to buy something or give us some money, but we do not ask, this is their desire and opportunity. Spending on me personally on my father’s side is expressed in the fact that he, coming to visit us, goes to the market and buys us all kinds of goodies that the average family saves on. Daughter is always delighted, grandfather is a holiday !!! But it should be so, in my childhood it was so too !!!

He also never offends his son Ira, out of his 20% he unfastens him every day for "Pepsi", then for some other nasty thing that children love. But the child is used to living with his mother, debates arise on the topic: "why did you put two cutlets for dad and one for me?" During the last visit of the Pope to us, he bought so many things for his "new" family !!! Ira has a ring with bryuliks (he never gave my mother bryulikov !! but then there was no opportunity, they lived modestly), the child had a bunch of toys, goodies. From Moscow they are constantly rushing gifts.

Then such an incident came out. My daughter was carried away by chemistry - thanks to "Galileo" and comrade Fur. Began to ask for a microscope and all sorts of test tubes-reagents. In our stores I found only a children's, completely children's, microscope, but I would like to buy something more impressive. Plus, I haven't found a "young chemist's kit" anywhere. Dad was just in Moscow, asked him to look there on occasion. Several days have passed, dad calls, says: "Did you ask for a microscope?", I answer that I am. She says: "Ira called, she started to swear as usual, I just blurt it out to her that, they say, I was running around half of Moscow in search of a microscope, and you behave like that, she got even more furious, began to yell that it is not clear to whom and what you are you buy "We laughed with him. As soon as she hung up, Ira is calling to find out if I really need to. As a result, they found us a student microscope, but she sawed through my dad's brain, why does your granddaughter need such a thing. What difference does it make to you !!! I'll pay for it myself !!! And presenting to her dad - what gifts are you looking for for your granddaughter, but not for my son. So your son didn't ask !!! Dad bought a chess set, tried to interest the child in it - he doesn't want to, he bought tennis - he doesn't want to, he bought a set to assemble a model of a ship - he doesn't want to !!! Asks him what you like - the answer is "nothing".

The control shot in the temple was that she told dad that she would only live with him "leaving all the past in the past," the past is understood as his children. It was then that I finally "blew my roof off". First, I suggested leaving her son in the past, as he appeared before their relationship. And then she simply told dad that a lot in the family depends on the man, and if he had specifically defined his attitude towards children from the very beginning, then such a conversation would not have arisen or I would not have known about him. She freaked out, hung up, didn't talk to him for 2 weeks, didn't answer calls, he called up with Nastya, asked me to go to the phone, but I just couldn't talk to him. So it hurt me !!! My brother and I are not small, our families, our troubles, but if my husband told me to abandon my parents or my brother, I would not live with such a husband, there can be no choice.

Now I talk to my dad, I said not to talk to me about her, but with every conversation he says how tired of her and that he is going to move out of her. I pass all the words about her on deaf ears, not reacting in any way.

What conclusions have I made about the "stepmother": the girl is domineering, she is used to everything being as she wants, does not take into account the opinion of others. Reacts inadequately to banal life situations. The years spent alone have done their job, now she is actively trying to make up for everything lost during this time, but mostly these are only negative moments. Apparently she is used to certain model behavior with previous men and tries to adjust these relationships to this model. We have a difference of 4 years with her, she is older, but I cannot understand her behavior, as for me - a stupid, jealous woman who grabbed a man and tries to put on him a strict collar and a short leash.

Thanks to everyone who read my long post.

Here's what I need advice. In a week my daughters and I are going to visit there. As always, a celebration is organized in honor of our arrival. I am sure that she will come there too. Since my character is far from angelic, I'm afraid that I will not remain silent, I will tell her a lot. Therefore, I am already asking dad to protect me from her. But we will meet in different ways. Tell me how to behave with such a person in order to put her in her place both with dignity and in her place.

18.10.2011 TUESDAY 00:00

FAMILY CLIMATE

Family climate

STEPMOTHER

So much has been said about the stepmother! Moreover, mostly unkind and often unjust. Indeed, being a stepmother is very difficult.

Stepmother from a fairy tale

Most often, women raising other people's children in the husband's family have big problems, and cloudless relationships with children develop very rarely. And this is largely due to ... fairy tales! V folklore a cruel, spiteful stepmother is the embodiment of evil; her task is to get rid of children whom she considers strangers. And oh, the father, who is unable to protect his own blood, appears in folk art as a sincerely loving, but manly naive, and sometimes simply henpecked, who is unable to resist the charms of his second wife.

Of course, no child will completely project a fairy tale plot on his relationship with his stepmother, but the fact remains: the stereotype exists and works to destroy the family. Often, the stepmother and the husband's children cannot stand each other, but are forced to live together. Dramatic family stories, as a rule, do not have a happy ending, and such families are doomed to another divorce or separation of partners (in a civil marriage).

Stepmother's Life Scenario

The stepmother has to build relationships with her husband, his children, even with his ex-wife, grandparents and husband's relatives. It is very difficult. I recommend everything calmlyponder and use some tips:

1. Evaluate the role of a stepmother as a new position at work, where you need to comprehend a lot that was previously unknown, to adapt to others, to be delicate, not to put pressure on your authority, to find an opportunity for successful communication.

2. Forget everything you knew about your stepmother, her intrigues and authoritarianism. The role of a stepmother requires constant work on yourself. It is very important to understand that if the meaning of the mother in the child's life is constant and stable, then the relationship with the stepmother may be temporary.

3. Try not to think that you have taken on the hard work - taking care of other people's children, be calm and remember that you do a lot out of love for your husband. If you want to save a new family, then you need to build relationships with his children.

4. Use all your abilities and talents to make your husband and his children feel comfortable and safe with you.

5. Try to communicate with your husband's parents more often, ask them for advice. Then they will understand that you are not only a good person, but also really want to take care of their grandchildren. Perhaps it is thanks to these people that you will find a common language with children.

Everyday history

Meanwhile, there are many positive scenarios for the relationship between children and stepmother. Elena's husband has two daughters, Vera (6) and Irina (14). Relationships with girls did not work out, especially with the eldest, who had a transitional adolescence... They took the appearance of a new woman in their father's life with hostility. “As soon as I appeared in Andrei’s life, this terrible word stuck to me -“ stepmother, ”says Elena. - My huge mistake was that I immediately decided to win Irina's heart. I bought her fashionable things, invited her to clubs, tried to live her life. It was necessary to do all this gradually, and not like me, impudently. "

Her own mother turned the girl against her stepmother, deciding that Elena wanted to win her daughter's heart by buying her expensive things. Elena made another mistake in relation to her youngest daughter, who went to first grade. Having removed her father, Elena took upon herself all of Vera's school concerns - she saw her off and met her from school, took her to various circles, etc. After a while Elena literally fizzled out both mentally and physically.

On the advice of a psychologist, she said to herself: stop, it's time to think about yourself! After consulting with her husband, Elena invited a woman for Vera to help her with school affairs. And she even changed her image, began to pay more attention to herself. And after a while, something happened that Elena least expected - the children began to reach out to her. Endless conflicts, caustic remarks ceased, relations gradually improved, the children began to call Elena “the second mother”. P going through serious mistakes in relations with her husband's children, Elena managed to establish good ones with them, friendly relations, to become a kind of balancing force in the contacts of children with their father, in a word, created a full-fledged family communication... Unfortunately, not everyone succeeds.

Take your time - let time pass

If you find yourself in the situation of an "evil stepmother", then literally from the first days of joining the husband's family it would be good to develop for yourself a "step-by-step" system of relations with his children, as well as with himself. Since you have received the unenviable "stepmother status", often say to yourself the following words:
- I am not in a hurry. The arrival of a new woman in the house instead of his own mother, changes in the usual way of life can greatly disturb the child. Remember that no matter how wrong, from your point of view, the child behaved, this is his choice. If you immediately try to impose your concern on him, he may turn away from you altogether. Let time pass and everything will go on as usual.
- I will try to respect the child's own mother. If you have a normal relationship with your husband's ex-wife (this sometimes happens), try to convince her that you are not going to take her place. If not, reconsider your goals. Even if you are sure that the child's own mother is unbalanced, irresponsible, can harm the child, you must remember that she is, nevertheless, his own mother! Children love their mothers, whatever they are, and that's okay. Coordinate some of your actions with the child's mother (for example, if you want to give your daughter earrings and for this you decided to pierce her ears).
- I support my husband. There are many ways to participate in the life of an adopted child from behind the scenes. Support does not mean that you have to take on all of your husband's responsibilities. If you think that he personally needs to settle some issue with the children, talk to him about it. Try to support and encourage him. Remember, he did this long before you joined the family, so respect his parenting methods, even if you think something needs to be changed.
- I pay attention to my needs. If you're upset, take the time to take care of yourself. You shouldn't use all your energy to build relationships if you don't feel the return. This does not mean that one should isolate oneself from the family, but it is a certain way of staying away from conflicts. Do what makes you happy and drive away guilt.
“I shouldn't take on my husband’s worries. Many stepmothers take care of the child, protecting them from this husband. As a rule, problems arise when the husband begins to criticize the second wife or the child's own mother demands that the stepmother leave her child alone. It is much better to help your husband to take care of, but you should not replace him completely. Let him also have responsibilities towards his child.

- I don't think my stepson (stepdaughter) will be the perfect child. Often, the stepmother is upset because of the intolerable behavior of the child and the complete indifference to this on the part of the husband. Some stepmothers, who previously did not have close contact with children, seem to know how children should behave. Read parenting books to better understand child psychology.

- I pay attention to my feelings. You may feel sad, especially if you don't have children of your own. As much as you love your husband, it is very difficult to accept the fact that he and his children used to have a different family. If you have a child, it will no longer be the first for your husband. When you sit behind festive table, children can automatically compare the celebration with what came before you. With all due respect to the past life of the husband and his children, this is a kind of loss - when all traditions and memories are associated with another family.
- I do not expect my husband to understand all my needs and meet them. Sometimes people themselves cannot understand what they want. Don't expect your husband to figure out what's bothering you. Be honest with him, assign responsibilities to the children that they should be familiar with. For example, you keep order in the rooms, in the kitchen, in the shower, but you do not tell the children: “Clean up your room! Go to the hairdresser. Do your homework "- even if at least at first it is only your husband who says this, otherwise you will rush into the answer:" Do not make comments to me, you are not my mother! "

- I try to build relationships not only with my husband, his children, but also with grandparents. Grandparents are always ready to support their beloved grandchildren. Often, the husband's parents do not have love for their son's new wife, therefore, with their statements, they make it clear to the grandchildren what kind of "evil stepmother" came to them. In this case, the woman will have to build relationships not only with the child, but also with his grandparents. Consult with them, sometimes involve them in the common problems of your new family - we assure you that they will like it!

Of course, it is not easy for a woman who has received his children in addition to her husband. There is no cloudless family happiness. Happiness, in any case, must be earned and earned. Therefore, do not expect miracles, but do everything possible to create a warm family atmosphere in the house and become a good stepmother for the children - in fact, a “second mother”.

In fact, stepmothers, like mothers, mostly treat adopted children well, trying not to offend them, trying to create full-fledged family relationships.

According to research, in such families it is hardest for stepmothers. These women come to a mature family, some of them are getting married for the first time, some of them do not have their own children, and they are trying to start a new family. Sometimes the stepmother is the only family member who tries to organize the free time of her household, plan a vacation, buy clothes for everyone.

Often what these women do is taken for granted by both the husband and the adopted children. They feel a huge burden of work and a complete lack of love and understanding. And if the children’s own mother sets them up against their father’s new wife, she is completely desperate.

Irina married Andrei, when he already had a divorce behind him, and two children were in his arms. The youngest daughter is seven and the oldest is fourteen. “As soon as I appeared in Andrei’s life,” says Irina, “this terrible word immediately stuck to me - stepmother.” Relations with children were difficult, especially with the older Lena, she just had transitional age, and she perceived the appearance of a new woman in her father's life with hostility. “My huge mistake was that I immediately decided to win her heart,” complains Irina. - I bought her fashionable things, invited her to clubs, tried to live her life. It was necessary to do all this gradually, and not like me, impudently. " Lena's own mother played an important role in the conflicts between stepmother and stepdaughter. " Ex-wife Andrey decided that I want to take her place, as she said, having bribed her daughter with expensive clothes, - says Irina. “After Lena went to visit her mother for the weekend, it was impossible to talk to her, it was obvious that she was turning Lena against me.” Irina was most irritated by her husband's indifference. “Although I myself am to blame,” she admits, “I took it upon myself: the youngest Sasha went to first grade, and I took care of all the school chores: I used to leave work, pick her up from school, then did her homework, and also dances and English. I thought that this way I would quickly find a common language with my husband's youngest daughter, and at the same time I would help him. " Irina was terribly tired - both physically and especially mentally. And one day she said to herself: stop. “I’m already exhausted. I got tired of hitting the wall that Lena had fenced off with, Sanechka began repeating the words of her older sister. And I decided: it's time for me to think about myself. I changed my image, signed up for oriental dances, talked to my husband - and we hired a woman for Sasha, she helped her with school matters. "

And after a while, what Ira least expected happened - the children began to reach out to her. Endless conflicts and sarcastic remarks have ceased. “Once Lenka came up to me,” Irina recalls smiling, “and says:“ Ira, for a long time I wanted to ask you, where did you get your hair cut? It suits you like that, I also want to see that master ”. My breath caught in my throat. We went to the hairdresser together, and then she went to the oriental dances with me. And gradually the relationship improved. "

Such stories are far from uncommon, but, alas, not all have a happy ending. It happens that the stepmother and the husband's children cannot stand each other, and are simply forced to exist together. If you are married to a man who brings up children himself, or if they often visit your home, use our tips.

Take your time. Remember that no matter how wrong, from your point of view, the child behaves, this is his choice. The arrival of a new person, changes in the usual way of life in the family can greatly disturb the child. If you immediately try to impose your care on the child, he may turn away from you. Let time pass, let everything go on as usual.
... Respect the role of your own mother. If you have a good relationship with her, try to convince her that you are not going to take her place. If not, you need to reconsider your goals. Even if you are sure that the child's own mother is unbalanced and irresponsible, that she can harm the child, you must remember that she, nevertheless, is his own mother. Children love their mothers without thinking about the reasons for this love. If you want, for example, to pierce the ears of your adopted daughter, check this first with her own mother.
... Support your husband. There are many ways to participate in the life of an adopted child from behind the scenes. Support does not mean that you have to take on all of your husband's responsibilities. If you think he needs to settle some issue with the children, talk to him about it. Try to support and encourage him. Remember, he did this (long) before you came to the family, so respect his parenting methods, even if you think something needs to be changed.
... Pay attention to your needs. If you are very upset, take the time to take care of yourself. You shouldn't use all your energy to build relationships if you don't feel the return. I am not suggesting isolation from the family, but this good way distance yourself from conflicts, do not allow yourself to participate in them. If you focus on what makes you happy, you will have more strength to cope with difficult situation... Do something: take courses, play sports, read, watch a movie. Do what makes you happy and drive away guilt.
... Don't take on your husband's concerns. Many stepmothers take care of the child on themselves. Do you know your doctor's phone number but your husband doesn't? Do you know your child's teachers better than his father? Everything changes, but the role of women remains the same: to do housework and children. And the stepmother, like many other women, takes on the traditional female role. Typically, problems arise when the husband criticizes what she is doing, or the child's own mother demands that she leave her child alone. It is much better to help your husband take care of the children and let him keep track of whether the child has learned the poem.
... Don't think that your stepson or stepdaughter will be the perfect child. Often, the stepmother is upset because of the intolerable behavior of the child and because of the complete indifference to this on the part of the husband. Sometimes women, who have not previously had close contact with children, have a strong belief in how children should look and behave. Try reading parenting books to avoid mistakes.
... Pay attention to how you feel. You may be sad. Especially if you are married for the first time and you have no children. As much as you love your husband, sometimes it is very difficult to accept the fact that your family will never be the first, that both your husband and your children used to have a different family. If you have a child, it will no longer be the first for your husband. When you are sitting at the festive table, children can automatically compare the celebration with what came before you. You must understand this: with all due respect to the past life of the husband and children, this is a kind of loss - when all traditions and memories are associated with another family.
... Understand for yourself what you want. Don't expect your husband to understand and fulfill all your needs. Sometimes people cannot understand what they themselves want. Don't expect him to figure out what's bothering you. Be honest with yourself and with your husband.