How to learn not to quarrel

with parents?

We all would like not to quarrel with our parents, however, quarrels do happen.

everyone has. Unfortunately, even the most friendly family cannot avoid this.

In a conflict, the most important thing is to be able to competently get out of it and end the situation positively. Therefore, it is important not only the ability to defend one's point of view, but also the ability to take the position of another person, to respect his opinion.

First, it's better to take a break and calm down, strong emotions get in the way

to be reasonable, and with ardor you can utter a lot of hurtful words, for which you will be ashamed later. When you're ready, just sit back and talk

with parents, together it is easier to find ways by which you can get out of a conflict situation. Offer to talk, tell about your feelings and experiences, and of course, listen to your parents, and you can find the right way out of this situation.

Show your parents by your actions that you have already left childhood and became independent, that you are ready to make decisions and take responsibility.

Start with something small. For example, define a household activity that will be your area of ​​responsibility, it can be cleaning your room or being on duty in the kitchen (it will be you who will wash the dishes according to

even days), etc. By doing this, you will show that you can take care of yourself and your loved ones, and that it will be pleasant for your parents, so one reason for quarrels will become less if you fulfill your obligation.

If you are objectively wrong, then it is better to admit it in front of yourself and your parents, listen to their comments and correct the situation right away, or set a time limit when you will do it. It is important to keep the promise, otherwise the discontent of the parents will increase, and then a quarrel cannot be avoided.

First of all, remember that your parents are the people you are closest to.

Based on materials from the "Helpline" website (project of the Fund for Supporting Children in Difficult life situation)

Even if on stretch In all the past stages of growing up, there were no significant conflicts and problems in the relationship between the child and the parent, they are almost guaranteed to appear in high school. Nature itself puts parent and child in conflict, and this, as always, is not meaningless. Parents become for the entrant young man the first rivals, with whose power you have to fight, proving your independence and independence. Through this rebellion, the formation of a young man and a girl into an adult man and woman takes place.

However, the fact that this process not to be avoided does not mean at all that it should be as painful as possible. After all, constant quarrels and conflicts lead to a fair amount of damage to the nerves, to tears and tantrums, complete emotional exhaustion. This can be completely avoided if you do not go with the flow (in our case - by emotions), but follow a cold mind and adhere to a certain strategy of behavior in relations with parents.

Usually, main opponent in this struggle, the teenager becomes a mother. Fathers more easily let their children off a short leash, even rejoice at their growing up. For them, this stage has a certain symbolic image of the completion of many years of work on raising a child, and now he is already an adult, independent, no longer a child at all. But the mother has an internal conflict, and understanding its essence is very important for successfully overcoming a difficult period.

Why does mom become the enemy?

Mum She is used to being a mentor, she is used to being a person whom the child obeys, even if not always unquestioningly, but in the end she always achieves what she wants, if necessary, then by force. And now she sees how power escapes from her hands, the child leaves from under the wing, and this inevitable parting hurts her. Itself not fully realizing its own internal problems, she begins to press with her authority more and more, which leads to the intensity of passions.

Mom's Parental Blackmail Policy

In this case, as a rule, mother doomed to defeat in this battle. Indeed, although parents are indeed our first opponents in life's struggle for freedom and independence, they are the weakest "enemies" that we will meet in life, because they really cannot do anything to their children, because they love them. Every teenager should remember this, especially at moments when he wants to "bite" his own mother, who treated us so unfairly, is so ruthless to us and so cruel. But in such cases, one must always remember that this is a battle against an unarmed one.

Having lost the battle for authority Mother moves on to blackmail tactics. She starts crying and hurting. After another quarrel, when both of you fell on each other, she will lie down on the sofa, cover herself with a blanket and look absently at one point. That's what you brought (brought) the mother! A couple more of such scandals due to lack of obedience, and you will completely bring your beloved parent to the grave!

All this can sound enough funny, but in real life it can significantly spoil the blood of the whole family. AND the only way To avoid this for a teenager is to take a position of rational dialogue, and not to succumb to emotions.

Calmness, only calmness when communicating with mom!

Advice from the wise Carlson living on the roof, fits this life situation very well. At the level of emotions, it is simply impossible to resolve the conflict; at this level, you can only throw out the accumulated from yourself. But in this case, as a rule, nothing comes out of this everyday exorcism, and instead of the expected catharsis, the problems only grow, since the main conflict - the struggle for power / independence, remains unresolved.

Real the winner it will be the one who is the first to take the position of a calm dialogue. “I want to talk calmly. I don’t want to shout again, I’m tired of it (a). Let's talk like adults” - such a proposal is difficult to reject when you are an adult, but it is voiced when you refuse maturity. It makes you think, and sometimes ashamed. A teenager must set himself a goal for each conflict in the first place to pull out of the meaningless pit of emotional shouts and mutual insults, only in this way is a meaningful dialogue possible.

"We'll talk about this later" - an argument in a conversation with mom

Not always will succeed have a calm conversation if the mother is already at the limit and is ready to break out c. The best way in that case, ask for an extension. "It is pointless to argue now, we will only quarrel. Let's decide everything in the evening, I promise, we will talk." It is highly likely that by the evening the quarrel will be completely forgotten if it broke out over some trifle. However, if this "trifle" is repeated over and over again regularly, you need to find the strength to go through an unpleasant conversation and settle the situation.

Sometimes you can notice that fights happen at the same time every day. For example, at breakfast, or when the mother comes home from work. Just as a chain breaks at its weakest link, so conflicts occur at a moment of emotional stress. In this case, you can agree not to quarrel precisely during these periods, and on the basis of the agreement reached, refuse to enter into the discussion, demand to postpone the dispute to another time.

The main thing is the desire to stop quarreling with your mother!

Majority adolescents, like parents, do not analyze such situations seriously, do not ask questions about how to avoid these conflicts in the future, how to end constant quarrels. It seems to both parents and children that this nightmare that has captured their family is exclusively their problem, purely individual and unique. They do not suspect that if you just want to put an end to the constant string of quarrels and resentments, and put some effort into this, all this can be stopped.

AND last thing: do not forget that all these conflicts and quarrels are temporary. Several years will pass, and you will remember this completely calmly. Remind yourself of this every time you find yourself involved in an altercation. This will help you calm down yourself and influence the parent in the right way.

Mom is the dearest and closest person, we expect warmth and support from her. But it happens that the older the children become, the more often conflicts and misunderstandings arise with the mother. You feel that she is wrong, not restrained, rude to you, and do not know what to do. To stand for your rights? Silence? Stop chatting? Give in? Before answering the question of how not to argue with your mother, you should understand the causes of conflicts.

Why does mom swear?

Since the situations and characters of people are different, the reasons for quarrels are individual, and it is impossible to analyze each case. However, there are a number of common factors that give rise to conflicts between the mother and the grown-up daughter.

1. No matter how old you are - 6, 16 or 36, you always remain a child for your mother. And the maternal instinct requires you to teach and protect, and if the child does not obey, then punish. Your independence and self-reliance is annoying, as your mother thinks that she is older and better versed in life.

2. Misunderstanding and rejection of the lifestyle, habits, values ​​of the younger generation is one of the most common causes of quarrels. Parents often find children's activities frivolous (“Instead of hanging around at the computer, you better go wash the dishes!”), Clothes and makeup seem vulgar, and their behavior is provocative. This is not the fault of the parents, they grew up at a different time.

3. Fear, anxiety for the daughter. The mother is always worried and worried about the children, seeks to protect them from troubles, and they, growing up, get out of her control. This is annoying and often makes you want to keep them by force.

4. The need for warmth and attention. Mom may think that you are not paying attention to her, you are increasingly moving away from her. This, against the background of approaching old age, cannot but offend. And resentment often manifests itself in aggression and scandals.

5. The reason may be in you - in your coldness (you have enough problems without it) and in the absence of a desire to listen.

These are objective reasons, they are not personal and will always affect your relationship with your mom. Therefore, you need to treat them with understanding and not assume that only you are faced with them.

How to stop fighting with your mom

Constant conflicts between mother and daughter are hard on both sides, and both sides are to blame for them. This needs to be acknowledged in order to improve your relationship with your mom. And this is not so difficult to do.

1. To understand is to forgive. Understanding the mother's behavior, empathizing with her will help you overcome your resentment and not break down into reciprocal rudeness in quarrels.

2. Separate yourself from her, stop perceiving yourself as a part of the mother, her life. (Such a separation in psychology is called separation.) You are independent individuals, and the bad mood of the parent often has nothing to do with you.

3. Talk to your mom, but do not voice complaints - this will lead to a new quarrel. Talk about your desire to communicate with her, about your need for her participation and care, you can talk about your problems, ask for advice.

4. Find common ground, common interests. For example, offer to watch a movie you like, read your mom's favorite book and discuss it, rejoice at the parent's success in needlework and boast of your achievements.

And remember, the older mothers get, the more they want the love and attention of their daughters, and the more and more often they take offense at the coldness and aloofness of their children. Be your mom's friend and the source of the fights will disappear.

Ekaterina Zubaneva
Consultation for teenagers "How to avoid quarrels with parents"

Target: to acquaint with the methods and techniques of avoiding conflict situations.

It's not always easy to get along with parents... Especially in critical adolescence when behind every innocent word you see an attempt on your sovereignty and independence. Quarreling can arise literally out of the blue and there can be two types:

A) Content conflicts. Parents they are not yet accustomed to your adulthood and they are unable to reorganize in the style and manner of communication. Understand this and help them!

B) You are already old enough to claim your rights, but very small in the desire to take responsibility for all your deeds and actions. Therefore, if you decide that you are already an adult, then be it not only in words, but also in deeds!

Reasons for conflicts:

You are meticulous and in detail instruct at every step.

They give little or no money.

Requires good grades and substantial help around the house.

Control and check.

They impose their idea of ​​who to be friends with and with whom not.

But you should know that conflicts are two-sided, so watch yourself, don't you give parents a reason:

A) You do not notice that parents get tired at work... And the fact that you are deliciously fed, dressed fashionably and financed on time, you take for granted. To mom's reproaches "proudly" you parry that you didn’t ask for the white light, and therefore ... In such cases, a trip to Orphanage and informal communication with his charges. There they will quickly explain to you who owes what to whom. And then you completely in a new way appreciate what you have.

B) Any homework (including self-service) you usually do it out of hand. And what you have done is remembered for a long time, and the efforts of the rest of the family members are taken for granted. From the point of view of bestial egoism, maybe you are right. If your mother is perceived by you as a servant in life, then you should know that in all Western TV series that you watch, the servant receives a monetary reward. In cases where it is not paid, the maid simply quits! Draw conclusions.

C) You do not study at full strength, if not casually. If to parents they will advise you not to pay attention to it, they still will not succeed. Because these weirdoes want a better life for you and they regret it. And they don’t know that the funniest goal for you is to carry boxes or a mop, to be "Six"... And you also spit from the high bell tower on job advertisements, which almost everywhere require specialists with higher education or at least secondary vocational education. Maybe you don't need it, since there are those who just need "Attractive girls"?

D) You do not share with your mother what is happening in your life, forcing her to obtain information in forbidden ways.

E) You react like a child to any criticism - "proudly" you are silent, you brawl, you slam the door.

Now let's look at the conflicts of communication style. It is in this area that both conflicting parties sin equally, but in different ways. reasons:

A) Raised tone, offensive intonation, dismissive or threatening gestures during an argument.

B) "Transition to personalities", rudeness, profanity.

C) Instead of logic and persuasion, forceful physical or psychological influence is used.

Here, both you and the adults are not at all sweet. It’s easier to kick or leave home in a fit of anger than to work on normal relationships! The most painful thing is from the feeling of one's own powerlessness and resentment. And do not think that the right to these emotions belongs only to you - believe me, parents feel the same!

Advice. Sit in your room, calm down and try to figure out why Mom and Dad are doing this to you and not otherwise. Look at the situation from the outside, imagine what you would do on the spot parents? Or play the role of an alien who observes the life of earthlings and tries to understand their behavior. Ask yourself different questions and answer them. For example, why is she not allowed on the street in the evening? It will be better for them - they will have a rest, communicate with each other. Are they really afraid?

How afraid they are! How do they know if you are ready to act like an adult in a difficult moment? In addition, even adults are not able to extricate themselves from any trouble. For parents that's why it's not scary to go to a scandal with you: you think, he will be offended, but he will be alive and well, and this is more important.

It is quite another matter if your friends are kicked out of the house, your laptop is taken away. Maybe here parents and wrong, even if strength is not the main argument, but in principle, it is possible to understand the reasons for these actions. If at some point it seemed to mom and dad that you had gone astray (bad company, bad grades, teachers complain, they become desperate, they are afraid to leave you "To the mercy of fate"... So they act like lifeguards on the shore - they grab the hair and drag it out of the water (even if it hurts, but it will be alive)... And then it turns out that you were not going to drown. As a result, everyone is offended.

To get out of such situations, there are no universal recipes. Read the articles about conflicts in the section "Communication etiquette" and you will make sure that the exit "Out of the corkscrew" you can find.

Take advantage of some practical advice:

You need something from parents are not a scandal, but learn to negotiate. The contract must be in favor of both parties. If you want new shoes - promise that you will wash the dishes yourself for two weeks, and without your mother's reminders. It is beneficial for both you and your mother. When creating agreements, your task is not to convince everyone that you are right, but to interest them in your proposal.

If they speak to you in a raised tone, do not snap back, shout and do not get angry. The more benevolent and calm you speak, the faster the conversation will produce results. At the same time, it is not necessary to concede in everything, you can agree with some points.

If the intonations of adults still offend you, try to defuse the situation by switching from the problem under discussion with the phrase "I am offended that you are shouting at me, let's talk calmly".

Phrases like "You can't prove it anyway" or "You never understand me" will only add fuel to the fire.

If parents move on to generalizations, try to keep the conversation around a specific issue. I really want to go to girlfriend, I'll be there on time, I'll call you back, I'll be neat, etc. Only then don't forget to keep your promise.

Alone with yourself, think about what parents are right arguing with you. Do you think that admitting to yourself that you are wrong is easier than out loud for mom and dad? Nonsense - confess to the fullest, this profitable: next time you will be respected more, and will move from shouting to real arguments.

If parents should not use physical force against you, then you should not provoke them to do so!

Even if adults have done obvious stupidity or rudeness towards you, leave them ways to retreat (they probably already felt that they had gone too far)... Tell them that you love them anyway, and offer to talk calmly.

We hope that these tips will help you look at family quarreling from a different angle. And adults will understand that insults and shouting will not solve the problem, and will look for more adequate arguments. And there, you see, your relationship will improve.

Quarrel with parents - who has not encountered this? The conflict of "fathers and children" can be found in almost every family. Your parents lived in a different time with their own rules, morals and foundations. It is sometimes difficult for them to understand that progress does not stand still. Every day something new is invented. Parents physically do not have time to follow all the innovations.

This article will be interesting not only for young readers, but also for their parents. I will tell you how to maintain a warm family relationship and how to avoid quarrels.

Follow their requirements

I'm sure you live with your parents. Follow their demands and their promises. If you promised to be home at ten, come at ten, because even if you are five to ten minutes late, a scandal may await you at home. You promised to take the dog for a walk, since your younger brother who is engaged in this is ill - take a walk. It all starts with small requests, promises, and responsibilities. But it is precisely because of their violation that conflicts most often arise.

If it seems to you that ten o'clock is too early to return from a walk, then understand one truth - your parents care about you. Indeed, it can be dangerous outside.

Tantrums - no!

Yes, as a child, tears could work miracles - they bought you new toy or were allowed to have a second ice cream. Childhood has passed, as well as the effectiveness of the ways that you used in five years. It is not for nothing that folk wisdom says that tears cannot help grief. You have matured. Try not to scream, cry, or throw tantrums with your parents. This is a childish model of behavior. Show your maturity and adulthood: provide arguments, theses, tell about the reasons.

Demonstrative silence

Sit in the corner of the room, take a sullen pose and a hostile expression, and with your eyes send offended glances at your parents ... Also not the best tactic in a quarrel. Yes, this "war" can go on forever - a day or two, and then you yourself will not like it, because in this way you cannot achieve what you want, but only worsen the situation in the family.

Worst of all, other family members may suffer - brothers, sisters, grandmothers, grandfathers and even pets - cats, dogs, rabbits ... Often, the two sides try to find allies in the person of these people. Imagine this situation: you had a fight with your mom, talked about it younger sister who shared the news with her grandfather, who did not share your opinion. And poor Tuzik, the favorite of the family, becomes the extreme, because you and your grandfather and your mother want to take a walk with him, but because of your conflicts, no one can decide who will do this business. Who is better for this?

Watch your speech!

Very often, in a fit of anger, a person says what he will regret in the future. He is driven by negative emotions, and reason fades into the background. Yes, in such a situation it is difficult to keep track of what you are saying. You can say something very offensive, apologize, and the offense will be remembered for a long time.

Joint leisure

One of the main reasons for conflicts of interest is that parents do not know their children. The best solution is to come up with a joint ritual activity. For example, evening tea and discussion of the books you have read, playing the piano on Mondays, or going to the theater every Wednesday of the third week of the month.

How to behave in a quarrel?

If a quarrel happened, then try to bring as many positive reasons as possible to your idea. This is the optimal behavior model.