Question: Hello. My name is Olga. I have a son Dimochka, we are 5 years old. We are very capricious and cry for any reason, and we have many reasons: someone didn’t give something, didn’t buy it, said something wrong, just like that, when something doesn’t work out. I start to calm him down, and he starts screaming even worse, and screams so that sometimes on the playgrounds, mothers of their children won’t let him near him, because he screams so much that at least plug your ears. Were at the neuropathologist. She said that "they say, children are different, and in general it was necessary to educate."

But how to educate? I'm not some sadyuga to yell at a child or even worse - to beat him ... Help, please, with advice. By the way, in kindergarten it behaves exactly the same. Tired of teachers complaining.

Lyubov Goloshchapova, child psychologist, answers:

It’s great that you’re not a sadyuga, of course, you don’t need to thrash and yell. Here you are well done, continue your line. I want to suggest that you get rid of one weight that you have put on yourself. You will be relieved, and there, you see, Dima will be released with a cry.

You described the situation so vividly that a picture rises before your eyes. There is a world and there is disgruntled child who screams so that everyone runs away in fear. Where are you? I see you between them, between the boy and the world, with solace, persuasion, perhaps a tribute in the form of sweets, bananas and toys. Naturally, all the bumps go to the intermediary. But you can get out of this difficult role that you have taken on.

Let's see what happens if the intermediary is removed.

The boy is not small, at the age of five a person can and can do a lot, knows a lot and understands almost everything. How others react to his tactical technique with a cry, he has already studied in all the details and nuances, be sure. For him, this is an excellent, well-established way of fulfilling desires. But other people don't like it at all. And if they are not restrained, if the situation is not softened, people will react with the same ingenuous directness with which a disgruntled child screams. So let them do it, of course, under your control and supervision. The only condition is that you can intervene only in really critical situations, when there is a physical threat.

You are human too, don't you agree? Allow yourself to respond more naturally to what your son is doing. Talk boldly to him about your feelings (when silence comes), do not be shy, the time has come when this can be done. Tell me how you feel, just don't blame or lecture, just talk about yourself. Leave for a while trying to get him to behave the way you think is right, it's still useless work, as you have seen over the years. Get out of the role of a soft pillow, an intermediary-peacemaker, become just a part of the world. Of course, your responsibility for the child remains with you, but the child has matured, grown up, and the form of your responsibility is also changing. Now your task is to observe and intervene only in critical situations.

It is very good that the baby goes to the garden. I think the teachers and children behave in a simple way, without fanfare. And since there is nothing to take from Dima, no matter what you say to him, but he achieves his goal, the educators are looking for someone to pour out their grief, and they find it, and it's you again! Quit this job. Don't mediate. Watch and control. Stop working as a buffer to soften the blows and a silencer to dampen the decibels. Does the teacher announce the list of feats for the day? Don't make excuses, just agree with her. Yes, of course, this and that happened, everything is clear, thanks for the information. If a storm begins in your soul and a 9-point storm, do not be afraid, this is a habit that you will get rid of sooner or later. Then just pretend to be calm, pretend, play the role of an absolutely calm mommy, who you can’t break through anything. There is no need to explain anything, no need to “work through” the incidents with the son on the way from the garden. Now it's none of your business. Everyone survived, no one was hurt, which means that your intervention is not needed, we move on. Seeing that you have left the game, educators and children will be a little surprised, and then they will quickly put things in order in the relationship. Complaints will gradually dry up. And you don’t have to worry too much about your son, he won’t let himself be offended, and that’s wonderful!

You write that when you calm Dima, he starts screaming even louder. You can see for yourself, it's good. Take the next step - stop soothing. At the age of 5 in your situation, it seems to me that this is more of a ritual than a sedation. Are you sure you want to leave this ritual? Then answer yourself honestly, how many years do you intend to support it? To 10? Until 30? Is always? If your answer is no, just stop doing it. This the only way break the usual circle of "discontent - cry - persuasion - even more cry." No one here can change anything for you. Your way out, mom!

You are not obliged to explain anything to anyone, you are not obliged to make excuses and apologize to anyone for your son. If you behave naturally, do not take on someone else's work, do not try to make amends for someone else's mistakes and misfires, your son will adapt to your needs. He can do anything, he just hasn't had such a need until now. Maybe he does not know how it is different, quiet, calm. Give him and yourself the opportunity to search, try, experiment, try on, in the end you will find options in which everyone will be satisfied, and maybe even happy. I just want to say that the cry itself - good way release of psychological stress. Introduced into an acceptable framework, it can serve well. And if you add physical activity to it, the body will feel such a surge of strength that the mood will immediately improve, and you will want not to scream, but to sing.

Children's cry. Tears. Bitter sobs. Yes, and on an empty, it would seem, place, as a maximum - a real punishment for parents, at least - a test. Parental Competence Test.

How do parents react if a child likes to cry over trifles? Based on my own observations and monitoring of parent forums, I conclude that there are not so many ways. Another thing is that in most cases the method of how to wean a child to cry for any reason is chosen by parents intuitively or taken from the arsenal of old grandfather methods. And there would be nothing wrong with that if the main task were not to try to find the "off button" of children's crying, but to understand true reason, at first glance, causeless tears.

Why look for a reason, the main thing is not to cry

In the piggy bank of parental methods of education, how to wean a child from crying for any reason, we find: ignoring tears, holding serious conversations on the topic “crying is stupid”, we give positive examples, if a boy cries, then we appeal to the fact that “real men don’t cry ”, we visit a neurologist and arm ourselves with soothing nervous system means.

Threats and manipulation like: “You won’t stop crying, I’ll leave you here”, “Stop crying, otherwise I won’t buy you a chocolate bar”, switching the child's attention: "Look what elephants", as well as direct physical violence, punishment complete the picture of the measures taken by educators to solve the difficult task of how to wean a child from crying for any reason.

Most often, parents get their way: the baby stops crying, however, the price of resolving the issue remains behind the scenes. True, not for long. We will definitely reap the deplorable fruits of our mistakes in upbringing, even if not realizing what was the root cause of the negative life scenario child.

As you know, ignorance does not free us from the consequences of ignorance. When we are not aware of what we are doing, we do not see the inner distinctive features child, we cannot even predict how our methods of upbringing will work on him, how they will affect his psyche. System-vector psychology eliminates gaps in parental knowledge.

A trifle or not a trifle?

Let's start with the basics: all children are different, not only in outward signs, but also differ in the internal properties of the psyche. What is not important for one person may be the meaning of life for another person. Life values, type of thinking, behavior of a native child can radically differ from our own. So, for example, an ordinary loss old toy some parents perceive it as a trifle, tears about which are at least a waste of time. For a child, say, endowed with a visual vector, the loss of a toy is a real tragedy.

From memories

I had a favorite plush rabbit as a child, and somehow I did not find it in its place. Either the brother played unsuccessfully and covered up his tracks, throwing the bunny into the garbage chute, or the neighbor's kids came to visit, only after a long search the toy was not found. My bunny Vasya is gone.

- A-ah-ah, I cried.

The parents came to the screams.

- Just think, I lost a toy - what a trifle, we'll buy a new one.

- I don't want a new one, I want Vasya!

Parents did not understand what was going on in my soul, a girl with a visual vector. It was not just a toy, old and shabby, it was my friend to whom I told my fairy tales, whom I took care of, whom I loved. Parents' persuasion did not work for me. If the words do not reach the daughter, then let her sit alone in the room, think, mother decided.

- How to stop crying, so you can go out, she said.

I sat for a long time, crying not only from the loss of Vasya, but also from resentment. It’s good that my grandmother came to visit, she took pity on me, sympathized with my grief, and gave her instructions to her parents:

- Crying, so let him cry. Don't punish her for crying.

Mom began to complain:

- So why not punish? She does not understand words, she cries for any reason and for no reason. I don't have the strength to watch.

- Grow up - stop.

Vulnerable, sensitive children

Proofreader: Olga Lubova

It's hard to describe, you have to see it)
The neuropsychologist told me that the information received during the day falls into one hemisphere and, ideally, through interhemispheric connections should pass into the other. In children whose interhemispheric connections are not formed, it accumulates and by the evening finds a way out in the form of increased motor activity("stupid" running back and forth) or emotions (crying with or without). In young children, interhemispheric connections are not formed, so this behavior is the norm. I went with my 9-year-old son, the neuropsychologist tested him and found all the problems that I wanted to complain to her on my own, I didn’t even have time to open my mouth. It's just a fantasy

I found a set of exercises for the formation of interhemispheric connections on the Internet. Similar to us and recommended:

Exercises and games for the development of interhemispheric interaction

1. Tap on the table with a relaxed right and then left hand.

2. Turn your right hand on the edge, bend your fingers into a fist, straighten, put your hand on your palm. Do the same with your left hand.

3. Call. Leaning on the table with your palms, half-bend your arms at the elbows. Shake the brushes in turn.

4. House. Connect the end phalanges of the straightened fingers. With the fingers of the right hand, press firmly on the fingers of the left, then vice versa. Practice these movements for each pair of fingers separately.

5. Tap with each finger of your right hand on the table counting "1,1-2,1-2-3, etc."

6. Fix the forearm of the right hand on the table. With your index and middle fingers, take the pencil from the table, raise and lower it. Do the same with your left hand.

7. Roll out a small lump of plasticine on the board in turn with the fingers of your right hand, then your left.

8. Rotate the pencil first between the fingers of the right hand, then the left (between the thumb and index; index and middle; middle and ring; ring and little finger; then in the opposite direction).

9. Fix the forearm on the table. Take the matches from the box on the table with the fingers of your right hand and put them side by side without moving your hands. Then put them back in the box. Do the same with your left hand.

10. Sitting, bend your elbows, squeeze and unclench your hands, gradually speeding up the pace. Perform until the maximum fatigue of the hands. Then relax your hands and shake.

11. Stretch your arms in front of you, bend your hands up and down. Then rotate both hands clockwise and counterclockwise (first unidirectional, then multidirectional), bring and spread the fingers of both hands. Try to open and close your mouth at the same time with hand movements.

12. Follow your eyes along the contour of an imaginary figure (circle, triangle, square) or number.

13. Exercise in pairs: stand opposite each other, touch your partner's palms with your palms. Make movements similar to a bicycle.

14. With your right hand, massage your left hand from the elbow to the wrist and back. Then from shoulder to elbow and back. Do the same movement with the other hand.

15. Press your palm to the surface of the table. First in order, and then randomly raise your fingers one at a time and name them.

16. Treasure. A toy or candy is hidden in the room. Find it, focusing on the leader's commands, for example: "Take two steps forward, one to the right, etc."

17. Joint movements of the eyes and tongue. With your tongue and eyes extended out of your mouth, make joint movements from side to side, rotating them in a circle, along the trajectory of a lying eight. First, unidirectional movements are practiced, then multidirectional ones.

18. Clap your hands several times so that the fingers of both hands touch. Then perform clapping with fists oriented with the back surface first up and then down.

19. Close your eyes. Try to identify a small object that will be given to you in your hand. With the other hand, draw it on paper (write it in the air).

20. Exercises in pairs: stand facing each other. One of the partners performs movements with arms or legs, the other must mirror them.

21. Mirror painting. Put a blank sheet of paper on the table. Take a pencil or marker in both hands. Start drawing with both hands at the same time mirror - symmetrical drawings, letters. As you do this exercise, feel your eyes and hands relax. When the activity of both hemispheres is synchronized, the efficiency of the entire brain will increase markedly.

22. Pinch the pencil between your middle and index fingers. Bend and unbend these fingers so that the pencil does not fall below the thumb. The exercise is performed first with one, then with the other hand.

23. Put 10-15 pencils on the table. It is necessary to gather all the pencils into a fist with one hand, taking them one at a time. Then put them one by one on the table.

24. Horizontal figure eight. Extend the right hand in front of you at eye level, clench your fingers into a fist, leave the index and middle extended. Draw in the air with these fingers the sign of infinity as best you can bigger size. When the hand from the center of this sign goes up, start tracking with unblinking eyes fixed on the gap between the ends of these fingers, without turning your head. Those who have difficulty in tracking (tension, frequent blinking) should remember the segment of the "horizontal eight" where this happens, and move their hand several times, as if smoothing this area. It is necessary to achieve smooth eye movement without stops and fixations. In the place where tracking loss stops, you need to move your hand back and forth several times along the horizontal figure-eight line. At the same time with your eyes, follow the movements of your fingers along the horizontal figure-eight trajectory with your tongue well extended from your mouth.

25. Ring. Alternately and as quickly as possible go through the fingers, connecting the ring with the thumb smoothly and alternately, sequentially index, middle, etc. The test is performed in the forward (from the index to the little finger) and in the reverse (from the little finger to the index) order. First, the technique is performed with each hand separately, then together.

26. Lezginka. The left hand is folded into a fist, thumb set aside, the fist is turned with fingers towards itself. The right hand with a straight palm in a horizontal position touches the little finger of the left. After that, the change of right and left hands simultaneously changes during 6–8 changes of positions. Achieve high speed change of positions.

27. Ear - nose. Grasp the tip of your nose with your left hand and the opposite ear with your right hand. Release your ear and nose at the same time, clap your hands, change the position of your hands "exactly the opposite."

28. Napoleon's pose. We clasp ourselves with our hands, changing either the right or the left hands in the upper and lower positions.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello.. My son is 3 years and 10 months old. He is a very vulnerable child, he cries for any reason, according to the teacher, “one cannot say a word” ... He is very smart by himself, loves to draw, look at books, loves to play with other children (on the street, at home), runs, jumps, the mood is usually good, he likes to chat, ask about everything ... But in the kindergarten he somehow withdraws into himself .. They take away a toy - cries, falls - cries (even if not much), something does not work out (for example, a jacket cannot fasten) - cries again ... At home, he cries mainly after sleep, especially in the morning ... He wakes up, he seems to be in a mood, but as soon as you ask him to get dressed, he immediately bursts into tears, although he knows how to dress, but still sits and roars, can’t get dressed ... My husband and I are so and so ... We are probably to blame ourselves, it used to be scolded for getting dressed for a long time and put in a corner, if you didn’t obey, for example, and gave a pope ... It feels like that he is afraid that he won’t be able to get dressed ... Sometimes he will wear trousers, but it’s hot outside, I tell him calmly, “let’s better put on shorts eat", and he somehow painfully reacts, starts to sob, I ask "why are you not dressing", and he is in tears ... And so almost every morning .. It happens that my nerves can not stand it, and I turn to cry ... Sometimes it seems that I will go crazy ... My husband accuses me, says that I scold my son very much, so he is afraid of me ... But I can’t help myself ... I scream and after 5 minutes I’m sitting, I regret that I screamed ... I understand with my mind that I only make it worse by screaming ... I tried to solve the problem in different ways, ignore it, go to another room, but my son continued to sit and roar .. Sometimes I tell him "let me count to 5, will you have time to get dressed?", he joyfully begins to dress quickly, I count to 5, and he is pleased to say "that's it, I'm already dressed, look, mom." But after all, I can’t go after him every time to cheer him up in everything, and in the kindergarten no one will stand on ceremony with him, and in later life ... How can I teach him not to get upset over such trifles ... I understand that initially we ourselves spoiled our relationship with the child, scolding him for something that, in principle, cannot be scolded ... For his tears, for example .. But now how to return the child to a positive attitude? How to explain to him that you just need to get dressed, without tears? How can we build relationships? Maybe it’s worth being stricter and ignoring his tears, and he will understand that he won’t give a ride and stop crying for any reason? Although this is hardly correct ... Or vice versa, always speak to him calmly, gently and not pay attention to his tears, distract him with something. .. I'm already confused..

The psychologist Lelyuk Alina Vladimirovna answers the question.

Guzel, hello!

When did the baby start crying? Or was he like this all the time? 3 years - the first crisis in children. This is a very important and crucial moment in the development of the child. He gradually begins to realize himself, his desires and characteristics. The first “I don’t want” may appear. Children can do everything in reverse and vice versa. Thus, their activity, an attempt to be independent, stubbornness and perseverance in achieving their goals and desires are manifested. And if something is not pleasant, the child can express his dissatisfaction through tears. This period lasts 3-6 months. It must be patiently experienced without screaming and anger.

“It’s probably our own fault, we used to scold him for taking a long time to get dressed and put him in a corner, if he didn’t obey, for example, and gave him a kick in the ass ... It seems that he is afraid that he won’t be able to get dressed ...” - maybe be like that. The kid remembered dressing as a reason for screaming and punishing. It turns on right away. And now you need to have great patience and endurance in order to cope with this.

“Sometimes he puts on trousers, but it’s hot outside, I tell him calmly, “let’s put on shorts,” and he somehow reacts painfully, starts to sob, I ask “why don’t you get dressed,” and he is in tears ... " - observe yourself. In what tone do you say this? At the age of three, children's crying can be directed against parental dictatorship. That is - if you speak in a commanding tone + not very good memories are associated with dressing = tears.

So soften your tone. Speak in a playful way. When the baby is not even very good and quickly gets dressed, praise him. And when dad (your husband) comes home from work, tell him how your son got dressed quickly and on his own today. You now need to develop positive feelings in the child for dressing.

“My husband accuses me, says that I scold my son very much, so he is afraid of me ... But I can’t help myself ... I’ll scream and after 5 minutes I’m sitting, I regret that I screamed ...” - stop scolding son and yell at him. Do you know that this can lead to childhood neuroses? Do you know that curing a child is worth an incredible effort?

Think about the fact that this is just a little man who is completely and completely dependent on you. And he's just starting to learn everything. And not everything is clear to him and much needs to be explained, sometimes more than once. And he, like a robot, cannot execute your commands with lightning speed. You, too, did not know how to do everything at once. Or did you dress, wash, comb your hair and collect toys from birth? How did your mother treat you? Do you repeat her behavior? Did you like everything that you remember at that age?

“Sometimes I say to him, “Let me count to 5, and will you have time to get dressed?”, He joyfully starts dressing quickly, I count to 5, and he is pleased to say, “That's it, I'm already dressed, look, mom” - that's right "Children at this age need just a playful form. And your intonation is completely different then, right? So do it. And you will agree - it's much faster than calming down a crying child, isn't it?"

“I understand that initially we ourselves spoiled our relationship with the child, scolding him for something that, in principle, cannot be scolded ... For his tears, for example ..” - there is no need to scold for tears. Try to patiently explain what tears are. Turn everything into a joke. For example - “Who is crying so bitterly? Oh what big tears. And let's collect them in a cup, ”or something like that. And that's it - the child's attention will be switched.

“Or vice versa, always talk to him calmly, gently and not pay attention to his tears, distract him with something ...” - this will be the truly right decision. After some time, the child will completely stop crying for any reason. The main thing - do not be angry with the child, do not shout, do not scold and do not punish. Don't be a strict teacher who tries to force what she needs. Remember that you are a mother - kind, gentle, affectionate and loving. And that's exactly what kids need at that age. And you yourself will be able to see and feel the changes in the behavior of your baby.

I repeat once again - be patient and find the strength in yourself to treat the cryer more gently and reverently. Switch his attention to other things and activities. Communicate in a playful way. Give him more time. Watch good cartoons together. Comment on them. Read books together. Talk and explain. Play puppet show. Try to be as kind and patient as possible.

After all, now it depends on you how your baby will grow up. After all, it is you who are now forming his habits and norms of behavior. A child who is loved and cared for grows up more confident and calm.

Guzel, patience, endurance and love to you and your child.

5 Rating 5.00 (2 votes)