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Anger and hate

My brain is destroyed by anger and hatred. It all started a few months ago when my fiancé left me. We lived together for 1.5 years and nothing foreshadowed such a turn of events. But one day he just left while I was away. A few days later he convinced me that he needed time, that he loved me. After a couple of weeks, he was already introducing his new couple to his friends. Most recently, they went on vacation together. I experienced pain and resentment all these months and did not understand: Why so? I realize that people break up, that love passes, but you can do everything in a normal, human way. After tears, anger came, and then hatred. I don't want him to exist in my life. But the last two weeks, my head has been exploding. All my thoughts are that he is happy… it depresses me and I hate it. The realization that he enjoys life with new girl that he leads his life beautifully and calmly, as if I were not in it at all, destroys me. These thoughts are constantly in my head, they do not let me sleep, eat, communicate with people. I don't know how to get rid of this? How to let go of all this from yourself? Thank you.

Hello.
This is a very unpleasant situation, your feelings are understandable. After a breakup, there is a long period of worries, memories and anger, but it is possible that hatred roams in you because you do not let it out of you. Here it would be good to understand how you usually deal with anger: do you express your feelings or try to smile and save a good relationship. Feelings can be easier to let go if you say everything you want to tell him. Better directly to him, but friends will do. You need to talk until it becomes easier.

Remember if one of your close relatives is not distinguished by the habit of feeling anger and resentment for a long time. If so, then you may have inherited this feature. You can get rid of it if you realize what this anger is for, what it gives. It seems incredible that such an unpleasant feeling could be of any use, but a person usually retains for a long time only those emotions that give him something, are useful in some way. Such things are difficult to realize on your own, so you may need the help of a psychologist.

You did not write what happened two weeks ago, whether you heard something about him, saw him or something else, but it would be good to understand how this event is connected with your feelings. I don't have all the information I need, so I can only speculate about where it might be useful to "dig".

Hello dear readers! Absolutely any woman can have an aversion to men. It seems that there are no prerequisites for this, just "something went wrong". As a rule, girls may even be aware of the need for love, strive, some want children, but at the same time they unconsciously repel men, “partners, or simply cannot look at the opposite sex. They don't fit all.

Today I will tell you about disgust for men - the causes of the feeling that has arisen, methods of dealing with it, and much more from the world of psychology that may be useful.

Childhood

In the human psyche, nothing ever happens by chance. Each has its own reasons. However, not every girl can independently understand why changes are happening to her.

The most hidden from understanding are those sources of the problem that lie hidden in a person’s childhood. It seems that these are things of bygone days, you don’t think about them and in no way blame your parents for the “wrong upbringing”.

But, bad relationship with the father or just one ugly act related to the relationship between parents can negatively affect the future fate of the child. The saddest thing is that you may not even remember the incident. The psyche reliably blocks those memories that bring special suffering. Such events go to . Only conclusions remain: "Men are dangerous", "Don't get involved", "They are nothing but trouble."

The best way to deal with this phenomenon is a psychologist. He brings your past to the surface and tries to change your attitude towards it in the present.

The influence of parents can be not only temporary, sometimes they put constant pressure on. The mother begins to shift her negative experience onto the teenager, sharing with him information that is inappropriate for this age, for example, about or talking about some negative aspects of marriage.

It seems to a woman that she is just sharing information, not realizing that at this age we are not inclined to “just perceive”, critically relate and analyze what is happening based on our own experience. We perceive any story or judgment as an element of learning, we shift it to our life, especially if we hear it from, as it seems to us, a reliable source.

As a result, a mother or even an overprotective father can instill in a girl a firm judgment that nothing good can be expected from men. This is where disgust comes from.

Hormonal changes

In some cases, negative attitudes towards male gender may be due to the transition to Women are more fortunate, as their body testifies to this.

It leads to a reassessment of values, a change in priorities, and even. This is a big mental shock. If a woman is not mentally ready for transformation, then this results in psychological problems. She begins to jump to wrong conclusions and may become disgusted with men.

Negative experience

With a loved one, women also often encounter. This is a protective property of the psyche. Each person builds his idea of ​​the world on the basis of the experience gained, which is not always positive.

Caught in completely new country, you will compare landscapes with those that you are used to seeing at home. Likewise with men. After a difficult breakup, you study the act of any new partner through the prism of the experience gained: “He also behaved well at first,” “The former gave me flowers after betrayal.”

It is difficult to say when this period of comparison passes. Everything is individual. Some girls try, others stay in this state for many years. Naturally, the older the woman, the more difficult it is for her psyche to rebuild.

Special cases

There are "special" cases when a girl is disgusted for no apparent reason, for example, if she stays for a long time. She begins to get used to this state, subconsciously finds the positive aspects of her existence. In order not to experience discomfort and suffering, her psyche adjusts to the current state of affairs and suggests an aversion to men.

The girl herself does not understand why this is happening, but only observes the results.

As I said, in human behavior, nothing happens just like that. the best way getting rid of the judgment that brings you trouble will be communication with a psychologist. He will be able to find a specific problem and help change the worldview.

In the meantime, I can advise, no matter how funny it sounds, to read books about,. " Morgan's way» Colin McCullough, « Vicious circle"Wilbur Smith," Survivor Hugh Glass» Elizaveta Buta are excellent examples of literature on this topic.

It may seem funny to you, but in some cases this method helps to get rid of disgust. Don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter as well. See you again and good luck.

There is a gender stereotype that men are cynical and do not acutely experience a breakup. Is it so? The myth of cynicism comes from society, the stronger sex is often not allowed to show their emotionality and pain. In fact, the male sex can be both weak, and romantic, and vulnerable. So how do men deal with a breakup?

Features of male psychology

1. After divorce, women are more prone to depression, and men tend to abuse alcohol.
2. Men find it harder to cope with stress after breaking up with a loved one. They experience stress longer and harder after separation, because they do not pronounce the experience verbally, but drive it inside.
3. The stronger sex after a painful separation is less likely to go to friends or relatives for consolation than girls. This makes it difficult for them.

Other authors argue that it is difficult for men to leave because of the peculiarities of communication in their environment. The male sex rarely shares their problems; in a friendly male company, there is rather light competition than mutual assistance. Parting with a beloved woman, all the difficulties of divorce and the emotional aspects of relationships are an example of weakness, and men do not want to “lose face”.

How does a man who left a woman feel?

Life situations are different, sometimes there is annoyance, fatigue from conflicts at parting, joy at the fact that a “bored relationship” has ended, guilt, shame or relief.

After the betrayal

Do men get over their infidelity? Sex with another woman for many husbands does not equate to betrayal or the fact that his love has passed. What does the man experience in this case? It all depends on the environment, upbringing, values, moral principles. A break in relations with a mistress may indicate a change in priorities, a desire to save a family. A married man will think through different options so that his wife does not find out about his betrayal. But psychologists assure that emotions during treason depend on specific person. Someone will be tormented by a strong sense of guilt, but for someone, betrayal is an excuse to diversify their lives.

How men experience a breakup if a woman cheated

For the most part, men rarely forgive a woman for infidelity. The main emotions are resentment, aggression, hatred. The deceived husbands suffer, besides there is an imposed competition.

Stages of separation in men

The male sex often experiences a painful breakup in silence. But researchers from the University of Königsberg have established seven stages and found out how men experience a breakup. Stages:

1. "I do not believe". The stronger sex denies what is happening. He cannot believe that his beloved woman left him, there was a break.
2. Manifestation of negative feelings. At this stage, a man experiences the whole range of negative emotions - from aggression to resentment towards women.
3. Depression. At this stage comes the awareness of separation. How is it at this time? Self-esteem decreases, longing is present, happy moments of life together are remembered.
4. Awareness of the problem. After reflection, a feeling of guilt comes, for example, if you had to leave on your own initiative.
5. Attempts to solve the problem. Some men drown out the pain with alcohol, someone goes headlong into work. Many try to start new relationships, but at this stage, novels are short-lived. Meeting girls can be to boost your self-esteem.
6. After a painful period, the meaning of life appears, new desires appear, self-esteem returns.
7. . The separated couple has already found or is looking for new partners. A man accepts the situation, he is ready to enter into a new relationship.

Psychological type and behavior at parting

Psychologists claim that people behave according to their psychotype when a relationship breaks up. They divide the strong sex into four types. What is the difference?

Predator

This type always fights for leadership, including in relationships. He is charismatic, self-confident, he has high self-esteem. During a divorce, the husband will put pressure on the lady; in such a marriage, a woman is rarely the initiator of a separation. He rarely cares about the feelings of his wife, he is authoritarian and cruel. If such a type will suffer, then only about missed opportunities.

Vulnerable

Soft, kind, sensitive person. He rarely initiates a breakup, never puts pressure on a woman, makes sacrifices for the sake of the family. When a break falls into depression, long worries. He really needs the help of friends and relatives with a divorce.

Mature

This type is able to build mature relationships based on trust and understanding. When parting, he experiences a range of feelings, goes into violent activity. After a divorce, he can maintain friendly relations with his wife.

Infantile

This type needs constant care. He perceives any gap as a situation of betrayal in relation to himself. He cannot live alone, often blackmails a woman, throws tantrums.

So how does a man deal with a breakup? The stronger sex may be silent, but this does not mean that they do not care. Usually their experiences are hidden, they are not used to sharing their pain, but they also need support.

In the life of almost every person, sooner or later, parting occurs. Our life is arranged in such a way that from time to time we have to part with something or someone. Sometimes it overtakes us suddenly, and sometimes naturally, when the relationship is already becoming obsolete.

But, as a rule, parting is always a painful process, especially if you have to part with your loved one. It's like falling into a deep hole full of sadness, pain and disappointment. And sometimes at this moment you can’t even believe that someday you will find a way out of this “valley of tears”. But no matter how it seems to us that the whole world is collapsing, we must not forget that all this is temporary.

Getting used to the thought of loss is difficult, and sometimes it seems completely impossible. Looking forward is scary, looking back is painful.

In psychology, separation is called the loss of a relationship. In 1969, the American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what has come to be known as the "5 Stages of Loss," the process of experiencing a breakup before we are ready for a new relationship.

5 stages of loss

1. Stage - denial

This is a state of shock, when we have not “got it” yet. At this stage, what happened is simply “unbelievable”. The head seems to understand, but the feelings seem to be frozen. It seems like it should be sad and bad, but you can’t.

2. Stage of expression of feelings

After the initial awareness of what happened, we begin to get angry. This is a difficult phase in which pain, resentment, and anger are mixed. Anger can be obvious and open, or it can hide somewhere inside under the guise of irritation or physical ailment.

Anger can also be directed at a situation, another person, or oneself. In the latter case, we are talking about auto-aggression, which is also called guilt. Try not to blame yourself!

Also, very often, an internal prohibition on aggression is included - in this case, the work of loss is inhibited. If we do not allow ourselves to be angry, then we “hang” at this stage and cannot let go of the situation. If the anger was not expressed and the loss was not mourned, then you can get stuck at this stage and live your whole life like that. It is necessary to allow all feelings to come out and it is due to this that relief, healing occurs.

3. Stage of dialogue and bargaining

Here we are covered with a lot of thoughts about what and how could be done differently. We invent the most different ways to deceive oneself, to believe in the possibility of returning lost relationships or to amuse oneself that all is not lost. It's like we're on a swing. At this stage of loss, we are somewhere between fear of the future and the inability to live in the past.

To start new life, you need to do away with the old.

4. Stage of depression

The stage comes when the psyche no longer denies what happened, and the understanding comes that it is pointless to look for the guilty, to sort things out. The fact of parting, the loss of something valuable that was in these relations, has come true. Everything has already happened, nothing can be changed.

At this stage, we mourn the loss, miss what was so important and necessary. And we can’t imagine how to live on - we just exist.

5. Acceptance stage

Slowly, we begin to crawl out of the quagmire of pain and sadness. Looking around, looking for new meanings and ways to live. Of course, thoughts about the lost still visit, but now we are already able to think about why and why all this happened to us. We draw conclusions, learn to live independently and enjoy something new. New people, new events appear in life.

How long does each phase of a breakup last?

From several days to several months, and for some even years. For each case, these figures are individual, since different factors influence this: the duration and intensity of the relationship, the reason for the separation. Often different emotional stages flow smoothly into each other or repeat.

In addition, the behavior and attitude towards this critical event is individual for everyone. While some people experience this grief for months, others quickly find themselves a new adventure in order to quickly forget about parting. And it is very important to give yourself enough time to survive the breakup, to accept, realize, transform the situation and learn a life lesson.

The common truth is known: “Any difficult situation, any crisis is not a "misfortune", but a test. A test is an opportunity to grow, to take a step towards personal excellence and a better life.”

To fix your emotional condition, do not allow yourself to be "lazy" and close within four walls. Let every day bring something new, let it be filled with actions, deeds, trips, meetings, new discoveries and small pleasures. Go wherever nature, the sun, children's laughter, where people smile and laugh.

Don't ignore your health

Grief has many physiological manifestations, causes insomnia, apathy, loss of appetite, disorders of the gastrointestinal tract, of cardio-vascular system, provokes a decrease in the protective properties of the body.

Contact a psychotherapist

With an incomplete breakup, the help of a psychotherapist is required, as the trauma of losing a loved one continues to destroy life, taking away his inner strength. If you feel pain, resentment, anger, anxiety, irritability, or anxiety when remembering a breakup, then the breakup is not yet complete.

Psychotherapy is aimed at a person going through all the stages of experiencing loss. The psychologist helps the client to become aware of and express previously repressed feelings through the methods of body-oriented therapy (based on working with the body and emotions).

With love, your Angela Lozyan

You lived in perfect harmony, made grandiose plans, dreamed of children, sitting together on the couch, wrapped in a cozy blanket, and then your ideal world suddenly collapsed? Yes, unfortunately, it happens, but this is not a reason to give up, because you still have the opportunity to determine the outcome of the next relationship by working on the mistakes. There are always signs of the beginning of the end, but people are often too lazy or too busy to be distracted by something that is not quite obvious.

If you don’t learn to feel for your loved one, if you don’t try to read between the lines, if you continue to dismiss hints and little things that indicate that something is going wrong, you run the risk of facing reality, sitting alone, drilling empty shelves in the closet with your eyes.

Together with our expert, psychologist Marina Dokuchaeva, we answered all the main questions regarding the breakup of relationships. And also revealed ways that will help you survive the breakup and move on with your life.

Why do people break up

1. Do not match emotionally;
2. Development of one partner and stagnation of another;
3. Destructive conditions - alcoholism, passive lifestyle;
4. Comfort level - unwillingness to return home to a loved one, relationships should not burden any of the partners;
5. Intimate aspect: at a young age - mutual respect and consideration of needs;
6. Social aspect: career growth of one partner, focus on success and loss of common ground. And the other has no experience, no knowledge, no desire to develop;
7. Relations deteriorate from the outside: the inability to defend personal boundaries (especially among young couples and young girls), the introduction of an outsider (mother-in-law, mother-in-law) into the family ecology.

Why do we feel hate and pain

“From love to hate is one step,” says folk wisdom. But why is this happening? A person appears in your life, together you go through a significant segment of the path, making it bright and iridescent, full of emotions and madness, and in the event of parting, you hate your companion, although you idolized yesterday.

By the way, it is women who tend to cherish tender moments in their memory and strive to transfer the former into the status of a friend, but this only causes aggression in him, because men rarely recognize halftones, only “black or white”. Admittedly, the position of women is much more loyal. Although, on the other hand, it is the ladies who are capable of sophisticated revenge and intrigue.

In fact, both are blinded by anger and are simply not able to reasonably look at the situation, at least until the emotions subside. When they leave you, it is perceived as a betrayal, and just here the desire to “kill” is born. But stop for a minute, forget about your selfishness and try to understand: he has not changed, circumstances and your relationship have changed, which led to a break.

No need to engage in self-flagellation, delve into your shortcomings and generally take everything personally. In the end, love could just evaporate, and you were honestly told about it, because you have the right to happiness, like your, perhaps, still beloved person.

There is only one result: there is no point in forever deleting a close and dear person from the life. You can always at least try to remain understanding, caring friends.

On this topic

8 tips to help you get over a breakup:

Accept his decision and just let go. Nothing depends on you anymore. Look to the future with the thought that pain and despair will make you stronger than before, and this experience will help you not repeat past mistakes in the future.

Do not engage in self-deception, sit down and conduct a detailed analysis of what happened in your head. They left you, he won't come back, you're angry, and that's okay. Work with your aggression - sign up for fitness or boxing.

Leave the envy of those who have everything in order in their personal lives. There is no need to perceive parting as if you were doomed to eternal torment, while everyone around is enjoying life. Quite the contrary, you have in your hands a chance to start life from scratch.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, because this is how we completely remove responsibility, put ourselves in the position of a victim, which does not allow us to understand the problems. This vicious circle don't go into it!

Switch your attention, try to strengthen the points of contact with the outside world, expand your comfort zone. Start doing something new, like art, or take a trip around the world. The body and mind tend to stay in their current state of life, which leads to stagnation. Remember what you liked to do as a child, in other words, start living again.

Work on the mistakes immediately after the destructive stage has been passed. Write on the sheet what both partners did wrong and what they did not match. It is important that the negative experience is not in vain.

Work with settings. Many women first of all regret the wasted time and after parting they think: when I have time ... We change this negative for a positive attitude: everything comes at the right time!

You are alone, and you are the center of your universe - you come and go into this world alone, a woman is the axis of her world. It is important to be the center of the universe, you cannot count on the help of others or rely entirely on your husband. A woman chooses a man, not he chooses her. It is important to nurture right attitude to himself, to remove the desire to meet social demands.

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