“... And then the collapse of the Union happened and, remaining
without work, my father started drinking, hard and soundly "

Every time I go outside in the evening, I find the constellation Ursa Major in the sky. I don't remember where this habit came from, but I always do this. I go out, raise my eyes, as if greeting an old friend, and go about my business.

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My father taught me almost everything

My first read fairy tale, "Little-Khavroshechka", I tirelessly told dad every evening. I went to the library with my dad, and soon there were no children in the village library, and later also teenagers, which I did not read.

And then the collapse of the Soviet Union happened. The factory, where my father worked for many years and was the only specialist foundry in the area, was closed. And dad turned from a breadwinner and breadwinner into an idle burden on mother's shoulders.

And he started drinking, hard and sound

It seemed to me that everything would change, that it would be the same. Until one day a tragedy happened in my, personally my life. My father beat me up. With a hangover, he felt bad, and I was pouty. I really wanted to show him how angry I am at him. It seemed to me that he would understand something. And he hit me once, then twice.

I huddled in a corner, and he stood over me with a raised fist and screamed terribly. He had terrible eyes. Then I realized that nothing would change. The past cannot be returned. In the morning, instead of going to school, I, taking the money I had collected for a present for my mother, went to the bus station and left for the neighboring regional center.

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I wandered for two days

The money ran out very quickly and I wanted to eat. Some grown-up guys pestered me, invited me to their place. It was scary. At the station I went to a woman who seemed kind to me and asked her for a coin for a pay phone.

She asked why, and I honestly told her that I ran away from home and wanted to call my mother. The woman got alarmed, took me to a pay phone, made sure that I called my mother, and then she talked to her and told my mother that she would take me to her place, told where she lives. We went to her, she fed me.

A couple of hours later my mother came and took me home. At home, she tried to find out why I did this. And I asked to leave my father, not to live with him. I could not see his death.

But my mother tried to persuade me to be patient. And again I realized that nothing would change. Then I made my first adult, conscious decision. I need to study in order to enter and leave the parental home.

The day after graduation, I left my parents' house.

I could not go to my parents at all, I depended on them financially. But I rarely went home and for a couple of days.

Recently happened in our city terrible tragedy... The boy committed suicide. The boy lost his nerves, the child could not stand it. Having learned this story, I suddenly remembered how I once lost my nerves. Just like I once could not endure the collapse of my universe.

I went through all those black emotions again. I was scared and sorry. And a black lump grew inside, which threatened to explode.

I wanted to walk alone. I went outside and found the Big Dipper. And then I remembered where I got this habit from. Dad taught me to find the Big Dipper, and from her other constellations.

Memories flooded from every nook and cranny of my memory. I cried bitterly. My subconscious, along with the story of my escape, also removed the memories of all the good things that were in my childhood.

And it all has to do with dad

I remembered him only drunk, angry, I remembered how he stole my pocket money and bed linen, which was bought for me as a dowry. I remembered how he beat me. My main feeling towards my parents was resentment.

But now I have become an adult. And a lot can be viewed from a different angle. And try to understand, and maybe forgive.

It’s bad, very bad that my father started drinking. He could not find another way out, he turned out to be, perhaps, a weakling ... But he - best dad in the world. And my childhood was happy. I have something good to remember. And all that was bad, as my grandmother says: "Let him go to the dry forest" ...

On the same evening, I called my parents and asked my dad if he remembered the story that I read first. “Little-Khavroshechka,” dad said with a laugh, “how can I forget her, I listened to her in the evenings for a year and a half. And then they looked for the Big Dipper. "

Dear Readers! Are the experiences of the heroine of the story close to you? Have you ever witnessed the "death" of a loved one? Have you been able to forgive him? We are waiting for your answers in the comments.

Hello friends!

We regularly receive letters in the "Cabinet of the Psychologist" in which the authors ask how to get along with an alcoholic. Mainly women - wives and daughters of alcoholics write. They ask how to protect young children, how not to give themselves and them offense during periods of hard drinking. And, most importantly, how to help ("not let go") your alcoholic.

Why did I decide to devote an entire article to this difficult topic? The reason is simple: I personally know several people (my once close friends) raised in a family with an alcoholic father. Let me give you two examples - you yourself can draw conclusions.

The first example is a friend of mine who grew up in a family with an alcoholic father.

Throughout his childhood, the guy watched his drunken father - they lived in a one-room apartment. I spent my free time mainly in the yard.

Mother saved herself by work and traveling with friends: “What have I not seen at home? A drunken husband? " - she explained to her friends. I “took up” my son already at school, when I realized that I had to somehow put the boy on his feet.

I didn't even think about getting divorced - it was a pity to leave the person: “He will be lost without me”.

My childhood friend despised drinking and said that he would never become such a husband and father. And what happened in the end? He is now over 30, has a wife and two small children. Drinks.

The second example is my old friend in the country who grew up in a family with an alcoholic father.

She loved her father very much, but her mother felt sorry too - she understood that it was not "". I watched my father's binges, the sobbing of my mother and my grandmother. I didn't drink it myself.

Do you think, in the end, she started drinking herself, like my friend? Oh no, it's more serious - she married the same alcoholic.

Probably someone will think that I just had no luck with examples. But, unfortunately, they are typical. As proof, I present to your attention an article-appeal by Irina on this sore subject.

UNTITLED

(Every woman can name her whatever she wants. )

Dear women! You are busy with your drunk husband ... and what happens to your child at this time? Ask yourself this question.

In my practice, I have repeatedly encountered the problem of drunkenness. This problem is present in one way or another in many families. Written by a large number of literature on this topic. This issue is devoted to scientific work, it is studied in scientific institutes. The Trust Telephone Services are often contacted by women suffering from alcoholic husbands, drinking sons.

Moreover, this problem is not only in our country. It can be called one of the world's problems, common to all mankind! Life with a drinking person, even if he has not yet become an alcoholic, is life like on a powder keg, anything can happen. A woman living with a drunken husband must fight and defend herself all the time. This is practically a war.

And in this war, a woman should try to keep her and her children physical and mental safety! And this is very difficult. And yet, an adult woman is aware of what is happening in her family, and, making a choice in favor of a future life with an alcoholic or a divorce from him, takes responsibility for the consequences. E. Berne, in his book "Games People Play", perfectly described this in the game "Alcoholic". But I want to express some considerations that relate to children living in families with an alcoholic parent... This is usually the father.

I will not touch upon those difficult cases when both parents are alcoholics, or the child lives with one alcoholic parent in the absence of the other parent. Most often, these parents are deprived of parental rights and then the child lives separately from them. This usually does not make the child happier or relieve him of many psychological problems but that's a different topic.

A child in his family comprehends the wisdom of relationships with the opposite sex, in particular, on the example of the relationship of his own parents. He learns role relationships (mom-dad, man-woman). Moreover, there is a kind of "absorption", on an unconscious level, of behavioral reactions.

The child perceives the parents' relationships as normal, even if they give the impression of being ugly and even vicious to an outside observer.

This is a very big danger. I'll try to tell you how I understand it. All people are characterized by basic anxiety, but its manifestation in a person's life, increase or decrease, largely depends on the external conditions that affect the person.

So, a drunken father, if at the same time he still scandals and raises his hand against the mother and children, causes a very great fear in the child. Even if the father does not hit and does not scandal too much, the child, seeing how upset the mother is, also experiences great fear. For him, parents are protection and support, and he sees how this protection collapses!

But this is one point. There are others. Alcoholism is not physiologically infectious, but it is psychologically infectious.

Often in families where the father is a drinker, the son, having matured, also begins to drink. The son, observing the drunkenness of his father, begins to believe that it is also quite possible to live this way. The father avoids responsibility, does not solve problems, but the family continues to exist, and the mother takes on all or almost all of the responsibility for the family, performs all the functions of the family. The boy does not reason logically like that, it happens almost unconsciously.

In addition, the mother often hides from others or greatly downplays this dependence of her husband out of fear or shame. Especially influencing is the fact that the mother often pretends that everything is normal. Such ambivalent (dual) behavior of the mother contributes to the fact that the child is lost and does not know how to react to the situation. He (the child) may be angry with his parents, but this duality makes him unconsciously or consciously repress this anger.

Gradually, the son develops a certain stereotype of behavior, for example, in a situation when he does not know how to behave or does not want to be responsible for something. His answer is to drink. Of course, a child can start drinking in non-drinking families, but there are other reasons. And there are always reasons. The same applies to her daughter - very often in later life she chooses a drinking husband.

The girl already knows how to react to his drunkenness, she knows how to behave with him. This underestimates her, which arose in parental family, severe anxiety. The behavior of her drinking husband is quite expected for her.

The complex of "victim" formed in her family with drinking father... The “victim” always has a secondary benefit, no matter how harsh it sounds. This benefit is the compassion of others, the desire to be a "savior", to be needed by this drinking man. At the same time, the woman believes that the alcoholic husband will disappear without her. In families where fathers drink, sometimes the following happens.

The mother or other relatives, wanting to make the child feel responsible, ask him "Look after" the drinking father... This is done, it seems to them, out of good intentions, for educational purposes. The fallacy of this method is that the child, thus, is included in this intrafamily game "Alcoholic". By "play" E. Bern understands "a sequence of actions that are subject to individual, not social programs, as opposed to pastime." This does not mean that the games are frivolous. They are often brutal, even deadly, and often games of a lifetime! In my practice, there was such a case:

A 16-year-old girl lived with her mother and her drinking father. Her mother and other relatives tried to influence her father, he was even coded. But later he returned to drunkenness anyway, and all the relatives and the girl's mother gave up the fight and decided to leave everything as it is. By type: "Whatever happens."

The father is a "quiet drunkard", considers himself a sufferer, etc. The girl loved and pitied him. And she promised herself that she would get her father out of the drunkenness.

What happened here?

There was a change of roles: the girl changed from the role of daughter to the role of “savior”, which is usually performed by wives. She intervened in the marital relationship (husband-wife) - this role is also played by mothers in relation to children.

Thus, she crossed out the parent-child relationship with her own father. She took on the role of a wife or mother with all the ensuing consequences: the girl took responsibility for her father, which often negatively affects all relationships in the family, including her mother.

It is the parents who are responsible for their underage children, not the other way around! Of course, the girl did all this with the best of intentions, out of love for her father, without thinking about any roles and family levels.

Often, in families with a drinking father, a mother, wishing to prove to the children the harmfulness of drunkenness, exposes the father as an "anti-example", in every possible way turning the children against him. If at the same time the father is a "quiet drunkard", then the child, striving for a kind of justice, begins to feel sorry for the father and enters with him into a tacit, and sometimes declared, coalition against the mother.

If the father is at the same time aggressive, and the child agrees (even if only in his heart) with the mother, then he (the child) psychologically loses his father. But a child cannot but have a father! Then, often later in his life, he will transfer his desire to have a father on other people.

So, a girl can look for a father in her husband, and a boy in a friend, boss, psychotherapist, etc. And then there will be a change of roles. After all, husband, boss - one role, and father - completely different. Father - blood relative and will remain them forever, whatever it may be. They have different functions and cannot be mixed.

In the case when a woman decides to hang out with her husband because of his drunkenness(or other reason), she should not consult with the child about this. She herself decides to break off the marriage relationship. This is her area of ​​responsibility. You can't push children to break up parent-child relationships (I'm not considering fiend parents).

Mom can explain that she does not want and cannot live with her drunken husband, but he still remains a father for her son or daughter with such a problem, illness, etc. Dad loves the child, but decided to keep drinking, and nothing can be done. You can find different words to explain with the child, but the main thing is that he (the child) has the knowledge that his parents love him, and he can continue to love each of them (both mom and dad).

To feel the harmony of the world, a child needs an understanding that he has a mom and dad. Divorce ends the relationship between husband and wife, not father and child.

I can say that many psychologists insist that children should not be involved at all in the so-called intra-family situation "Alcoholism or drunkenness and the fight against them." This is very difficult to do, especially if the child lives with a drinking family member. In conclusion, I want to say: do not burden the child with unnecessary responsibility!

Adults (parents in particular) are responsible for their own actions and their lives! And drunkenness is a conscious choice of an adult! I would like to recommend to women who in one way or another face the problem of drunkenness and alcoholism, a book by the excellent psychologist and psychotherapist E.V. Emelyanova "How to communicate with a drunken husband" (Publishing house "Rech" St. Petersburg, 2008) This book contains practical and practical advice to women.

Irina, a practicing psychologist

That's it, friends. I hope you found the article interesting and useful. But, at the same time, not relevant. I wish you all never face similar problems.

I would love to hear your opinions on this topic. What do you think? Are there any examples of family life with an alcoholic among your acquaintances? Perhaps there are even stories with a good ending? Also recommend this one, they say it helps.

(18 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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My name is Masha, I'm 26 years old. At the end of last year, my father died. He was only 52 years old, he was an alcoholic. When he died, I was not surprised, practically not upset, did not cry. I didn't care, it just pissed me off that on New Year's Eve, instead of pleasant festive chores, I should do a funeral. In all my life, he did not give me anything and did not leave anything, except for a murdered odnushka, a heap of complexes, mental trauma and terrible childhood memories, he ruined my mother and me all our lives with his drunkenness. I am writing this and I know that later I will most likely be ashamed of having “washed dirty linen in public”, said nasty things about a loved one, especially the already deceased ...

I grew up feeling eternal chaos. I never knew what to expect. I remember I was five or six years old when my mother went on a business trip and left me with my father. I woke up in the morning, drank milk with dryers, and then sat waiting for my dad to wake up and let me go for a walk. I sat on the windowsill hungry and looked out the window at how my friends were playing in the yard. My father slept until lunchtime, always got up shaggy and angry, and began to find fault with me. Then, as I later realized, I got drunk and became just a super-daddy - humorous, kind, just a golden man who joked, gave me money and drove me out for a walk. And the next day, everything is new: hangover, nagging and insults. It all torn me apart, especially when he yelled at my mother and lied that he didn’t drink, played with me and everything was fine with us.

All weekends and holidays, all birthdays, everyone New Year- everything is spoiled, mutilated by my father's drunkenness. His mother worked two jobs, and he was constantly stuck at home, because he was kicked out from everywhere. He did not go into a binge, but he could easily oversleep, be late, not answer when his boss calls, or simply not go out because he is sick with a hangover.

What is most wild for me: he died of cirrhosis, but he never recognized himself as an alcoholic! He always said that everything was fine with him, that it was me and my mother who were driving him against him, and he was just a muzzled person who was tired of life and so relieves stress. He just loved to complain about his miserable life and blame everyone. Perhaps, if it were not for this feature of him, I would still be able to communicate with him sometimes, but listening to the same thing every time about how bad everyone is around was unbearable. I did not respect my father and never knew what it was - when a daughter is proud of her father, feels loved, protected, valuable. I am writing this now, but I have tears like a river from resentment.

It is terrible that because of vodka, the whole life of a person and his family goes downhill.

I do not understand: why do you, drinking men, get married and have children? You don't need them !! My father was never interested in my business! He didn't know anything about me at all! He never supported me in anything - neither morally nor financially. Throughout my childhood and all my youth, he was either lying in front of the TV set on his squeezed old sofa, or drinking in the kitchen with a neighbor. When my mother came and drove them out, they continued in the yard. And I, a child, was embarrassed then to go outside, because I was ashamed of my drunk father, who would fall asleep in the bushes, then urinate in public, then run into a gopot and then walk with a black eye. Once he got drunk, went for cigarettes, slipped in the stairwell and knocked out two of his front teeth. So then all my life and walked, and did not insert.

I am 26 years old, and I have never had a normal relationship with a guy. Although I am slim, young, it seems nice girl, I am appreciated at work, I can’t start a relationship. I feel very lonely, I suffer a lot because of this.

When the film shows happy family, caring father, normal relationship, I feel so hurt and hurt that I can burst into tears. But the worst thing is my lack of self-confidence and resentment for an unhappy childhood. I don’t know how I can forget and forgive it. I tried all sorts different techniques and went to a psychologist, but it didn't get any easier. I don't know what's going to happen. He has already died, I am an adult, I do not drink, I have my own good life, mom is alive and well, thank God, she divorced her father long ago, moved in with her colleague. It would seem that you make repairs in your father's apartment, or sell and buy a new one, get married, live and be happy. But I can't live. I am constantly tense, constantly waiting for a catch, I often cry, I can suddenly flare up and yell at a person. Then I feel ashamed, but for some reason I can't apologize either, although I scold terribly inside myself! In general, I am a terrible pessimist by nature - I very rarely experience a feeling of true joy, let alone happiness - something always gets in the way.

I think a lot about how my life could have turned out if my father did not drink at all, if we lived together, if they gave birth to another sister or brother ... What would I be like? Would my father be alive now? Only these dreams give an outlet, at least some kind of support. I dream, and it feels like it becomes easier for me.

The hardest thing in a family where dad drinks is a child. Sharply changing behavior, unpredictability of reactions, aggression, quarrels and scandals hurt the psyche of children. They cannot help but love their parents, so they are looking for ways to save the family from trouble. It is difficult to realize and accept the fact of alcoholism of the father and already grown children, if the addiction to alcohol appeared in adulthood.

Onset of the disease

Emotions experienced in childhood are acutely and painfully imprinted in the mind, children of drinking parents always differ from children from prosperous families.

Drinking dad is very embarrassing, it can bring trouble, it is a constant threat of scandal, but you cannot tell anyone about it.

Often the children of drunkards perceive what is happening in this way and do not know what to do and who to turn to for help.

They learn early to hide their emotions, are silent about the fact that dad offends them and mom, but all this leads to the destruction of the personality. There should be a wise and understanding person next to the child who can be completely trusted - a relative, a teacher, a psychologist educational institution... Knowing about the problems in the family, others should try to help the little person.

Reasons for addiction

The state of intoxication is very similar to illness. The accompanying hangover syndrome leaves no doubt in the child that dad is seriously ill.

As an adult, the child begins to blame himself for what is happening:

• brought bad grades;
• did not cope with the assigned case;
• could not pull up as many times as dad wanted.

Important! In fact, the reasons why the head of the family began to pawn by the collar have nothing to do with the child. The root of evil is in the alcoholic himself, the rest is speculation in attempts to justify himself.

Dad can drink for the following reasons:

You can find many more reasons to explain alcoholism. But the main thing is weakness, unwillingness to solve problems, finding the easiest way. A man tries to forget himself and not think, believes that the problem will be solved by itself or will stop worrying.

How to react

Many scary stories can be recalled by everyone who is in the same house with an alcoholic father. Children often hate their fathers, delete them from life, subconsciously feeling guilty for not being able to save them.

But what if daddy drinks? Any attempt to stand up for himself or his mother turns into beatings or reproaches, mom forgives dad and gives him chance after chance, but with each drunkenness, the father becomes more terrible.

There are several important things that children from these families should know:

• no need to provoke a drunk father, shout at him or appeal to his conscience - he still won't understand;
• drunkenness and alcoholism is a disease that changes a person's personality, but it is treatable;
• to abandon a father just because he drinks without trying to fight is to betray him;
• you do not need to take seriously everything that a parent says while intoxicated - the disease speaks for him;
• aggressive behavior, attempts to hit - this is a life-threatening situation, while you are not ashamed to run away to call someone for help;
• if the father tends to show aggression, you need to keep any piercing and cutting objects as far as possible so that the man does not injure himself or others.

A quiet or vicious alcoholic father is equally scary and equally requires adult intervention.

We need to try to explain this to mom, until the child protection specialists intervened, together to persuade the father to accept help. Doctors can help save the father by prescribing treatment in specialized clinics or at home. There are effective medicines and techniques for this.

But if there is no one to save himself, treatment will not help. Therefore, the family should support the drunken person, his attempts to recover, and not turn away from him.

How can you help

If your father suffers from alcohol addiction, this is a serious problem. But they say love works wonders. Even a child can try to help the father if he makes his way to his consciousness.

Spree every day

Psychologists often talk about the anxiety and emotional problems of a child who sees how dad suddenly starts drinking a bottle of beer or a glass of cognac every day.

An honest letter from the reader! Pulled the family out of the hole! I was on the edge. My husband started drinking almost immediately after our wedding. First, a little at a time, go to the bar after work, go to the garage with a neighbor. I came to my senses when he began to come back very drunk every day, was rude, drank his salary. I really got scared when I pushed for the first time. Me, then daughter. The next morning he apologized. And so in a circle: lack of money, debts, abuse, tears and ... beatings. And in the mornings we apologize. We've even coded everything we've tried. Not to mention the conspiracies (we have a grandmother who seemed to pull everyone out, just not my husband). After coding, I didn't drink for half a year, everything seemed to be better, they began to live like a normal family. And one day - again, stayed at work (as he said) and dragged himself in the evening on his eyebrows. I still remember my tears that evening. I realized that there was no hope. And about two or two and a half months later, I came across an alcoholic drug on the Internet. At that time, I had already completely dropped my hands, my daughter left us altogether, began to live with a friend. I read about the drug, reviews and description. And, not really hoping, I bought it - there is nothing to lose at all. And what do you think ?! I began to add drops to my husband in the morning in tea, he did not notice. Three days later I came home on time. Sober!!! A week later, I began to look more decent, my health improved. Well, then I confessed to him that I was slipping drops. He reacted adequately to a sober head. As a result, he drank a course of alcoholic toxicity, and for six months already, no-no, at work, he was promoted, his daughter returned home. I'm afraid to jinx it, but life has become new! Every evening I mentally thank the day when I learned about this miracle remedy! I recommend to everyone! Save families and even lives! Read about the remedy for alcoholism.

Neither mom nor dad even thought to explain to the child that his father watches sports programs and thus “cheers” for his pets, or the doctors recommended to relax in this way before going to bed, or a drink with the smell of alcohol is just one of the medicines.

Help in this case is required for the baby with his vivid imagination and unwillingness to share his experiences with parents. It is important to explain to him that if nothing has changed in the family, if the father's behavior remains the same, as well as the attitude towards family members, then there is nothing to be afraid of.

It is good if the situation is not as dire as the imagination of a receptive and emotional child draws. To calm him down, a simple, frank conversation is enough.

Problems in vodka

The situation is different if the younger members of the family understand perfectly well that dad is drinking vodka. Seeing a drunk father every day is a real challenge. But drunken alcoholics also have periods of enlightenment, when you can simply explain what loved ones feel, how hard it is to look at a falling man, try to persuade him to seek help.

You should not immediately blame your father for alcoholism, because only a doctor can make a diagnosis. Talking to a reputable and trustworthy person, talking frankly with the head of the family will help you get agreement to help.

Sudden breakdowns

Sometimes grief or stress plunges a person into the abyss of despair. He begins to drink often and a lot, trying to forget himself. In this situation, it is important to find the reason for what is happening, to make it clear that there are people nearby who are dear to a man and who are ready to help.

The father may not understand how strong the addiction has become, this can be explained quite simply:

Of course, you definitely need to choose the right moment when dad is sober, not aggressive. In a family where everything was fine before, such methods help to break through to consciousness, to return a person to a normal life.

Fathers and Sons

It is difficult, and when the father started drinking in adulthood. Realizing that he has grown old and is not needed by his children and relatives, that now they are doing just fine without him, an elderly man can start taking alcohol.

At any age, parents need attention and constant confirmation that they are needed. Your favorite business or hobby saves you from addiction: walking in the woods, traveling, working with wood, clay or iron. You need to help your father find what he likes.

Dad may miss and ordinary communication... It is worth teaching him how to work on a computer, showing groups, forums with topics of interest to him, social networks where he can find old acquaintances.

Treat or Maintain?

Common abuse can be stopped with persuasion and counseling. But when the father honestly says that he cannot stop himself, one should think about drug treatment. Especially when it comes to a person of age.

Before starting therapy for alcoholism, it is necessary to take into account the following nuances:

1. Alcohol destroys all organs, increases the risk of premature death from heart attacks and strokes. Therefore, treatment must be comprehensive.
2. Self-medication, abrupt withdrawal from alcohol can also cause irreparable harm.
3. The joint work of psychologists, cardiologists, therapists will help reduce the likelihood of serious complications.
4. Psychological support and care will be required for the rest of your life.

Important! You should never lose hope and panic. Even children should know that they should not be afraid to seek help, they need to sound the alarm as early as possible in order to save the head of the family.

Special video: the power of prayer

In addition to support and patience from loved ones, as well as special treatment, there are other options for dealing with alcoholism. It is believed that sincere prayers for a loved one can help a lot. Watch the video to see how best to do this.

The main thing is not to give up and not despair. Then the problem will be definitely resolved.

Conclusion

When dad drinks - it’s bad, but not ashamed, it’s no one's fault. Alcoholism is a disease that requires treatment. Realizing this will help to cope with pain and prejudice, to gain attention to the problem of both family members and specialists who can pull a man out of the clutches of a green snake.

American psychologist Eric Byrne put forward the hypothesis of predetermination life path many - and even most - people of the so-called. “Life scenarios”: human relationships, behavioral habits and worldview, uncritically learned in childhood.

For example, psychological studies show that almost 60% of the daughters of alcoholics marry ... alcoholics!

Why is this happening? And how can the daughter of an alcoholic overcome her negative life scenario?

Wiki Story

Vika is the daughter of an officer and a teacher. Her mother is energetic, strong-willed and authoritative, while her father was distinguished by a weak will. Addiction to fun companies and hard liquor eventually made him an alcoholic. However, Vika's mother did not divorce her husband: she was not - or did not consider herself - a particularly attractive woman: in her opinion, it is better to have an alcoholic husband than to live without a husband at all.

As a child, Vika had to go through a lot. Several times they hid with their mother at the neighbors' place, while the father raged in the apartment. After sobering up, he always apologized, which seemed to his daughter even more unpleasant than his rampage.

Gradually, she moved away from her father. Their communication became formal. The father hardly spoke to his daughter, she also avoided him. It was like a cold war.

The father never really hit Vicki's mother: he was afraid of his wife. However, there was a case when he swung an ax at her. Vika, like her mother, distinguished by a strong, decisive character, at that moment stood behind her father. She was then 15 years old, but she was already tall and strong, and her father was short. She managed to push her father so hard from behind that he fell and hit hard.

However, Vika did not feel sorry for her father and believed that she had done well.

When Vika was 17 years old, her father died. He went fishing with friends. They drank well and in this state went far into the lake (this is Lake Ladoga, as you know, the largest in Europe). A storm began, the boat capsized - and everyone died.

Neither Vicki's mother nor she herself was particularly worried about the death of her father.

Vika got married quite late. When the son of Mitya was born, she and her husband began to gradually move away from each other. The husband often went away, and soon Vika realized that he was drinking. Scandals began.

So almost 5 years passed, and finally, they parted.

The ex-husband found another woman drinking. And Vika for some time - almost 30 35 years old - lived alone with her son and, according to her, felt good.

However, then she became worried that she would be left alone for life. This concern led her to a psychologist.

Life Scenario Analysis Wiki

In the course of therapy, Vika realized that in childhood she had uncritically learned from her mother some ideological attitudes related to relationships with men, love and marriage.

1) A man is a means to create a family. Thanks to the husband, you can have a child, the husband brings money into the house. But it’s not good for anything else.

2) Men drink often. This is natural and almost inevitable. The dignity of a woman is to endure and remain an honest wife and mother.

3) Attractive women are rare. Therefore, you have to rejoice if you have at least some kind of close man.

Thus, her scenario is something like this: to get married without love, the relationship with her husband is cool, he will drink, and in the end you will completely distance yourself from each other, but you will come to terms with it.

Only the last point did not come true. However, the initiator of the divorce is not Vika, but her husband.

Needless to say, Vika was not aware of these attitudes, which did not prevent her from acting in accordance with them. She admitted that she had never felt much love for her husband, but her age was no longer young, and she wanted to have a family. She did not know about his addiction to alcohol before the wedding.

As you can see, Vika chose her husband the way her mother did, and her relationship with her husband is similar to that of her parents.

She was unable to overcome her scenario because she was not aware of it.

Why can an alcoholic's daughter marry an alcoholic?

There are many reasons. Most often, a combination of several factors listed below leads to a repetition of the mother's fate.

1. If the father drinks, then his behavior, appearance (even smell, and, as you know, olfactory impressions for women are of great importance), attitude towards his wife and daughter - such that they repel his daughter. Such a man, as a rule, is not able to be attentive to his daughter, to give her the love that she needs so much.

It would seem that it is not difficult to act on the principle of "contradictory" (not like the parents, but vice versa), if not for one "but". It is written in the subconscious that my father and my mother are exemplary, reference man and woman, so it is easier and more natural to build your life in their image and likeness. This is not even psychology, but physiology: the so-called phenomenon of imprinting. It's just easier this way: it does not require conscious effort, self-change.

In addition, the father is the first man in the life of every woman. His attitude towards his daughter is a standard against which she then compares the behavior of all men who are interested in her.

2. The girl needs her father's approval, so that he accepts and loves her. An alcoholic father, as a rule, cannot give it. Children tend to take the blame for what is happening on themselves, they often think that if they did something differently, then adults would behave differently. This is how an inferiority complex appears: the confidence of the girl, and then of the woman, that she is not worthy of love.

3. Often, children who grew up in a family of alcoholics have a subconscious mindset: “I didn’t manage, I had to do something differently, and then everything would be fine”. Together with the feeling of guilt, it includes a mechanism for duplicating the situation, as if the formation of a second chance to overcome it and a false exit from the guilt complex.

4. Finally, children have phenomenal adaptive abilities. They adapt to anything, even the most abnormal relationships, managing to find something in them that satisfies them. So suffering can give significant bonuses: being a victim means guaranteed to receive the support of others; to be the support of the mother - to maintain self-esteem, adulthood, the opportunity to be “good” against the background of parents who are unable to solve their problems; keeping a distance in relationships with others (after all, an alcoholic can be ignored) is an opportunity to satisfy your inner needs without taking into account the opinions of parents, and then other people.

As a result, the daughter of an alcoholic does not believe in herself, in her feminine usefulness, because she has no experience of relationships with a non-alcoholic man and she fears being insolvent in such a relationship. Therefore, without noticing it herself, she avoids non-drinking men - and in the end converges with the drinker.

It can be argued that most of us have an attachment to our childhood experiences - whatever they may be. Fear of the new and the unknown is also a characteristic feature of most people.

Help of a psychologist in overcoming a negative life scenario

First of all, the task of the psychologist is to help the client realize what drives her, since these driving forces that determine her life are still hidden from her.

She must see her fear and realize her attachment to the past, which make her not free. Her task is to internally distance herself from this experience.

Moreover, she needs to feel rejection, even aversion to such a life: life with an alcoholic.

By the way, 40% of daughters of alcoholics who managed to create a normal family are just those girls who emotionally tried to get away from what surrounded them in childhood at all costs. This emotional rejection turned out to be stronger than attachment to the past and fear of the unknown. And they overcame their scenario.

An important place is occupied by work on traumatic childhood experiences, and on the feeling of self-worth, and on the entire system of beliefs and perceptions of the client.

The first task of the psychologist is to strengthen the client's faith in herself, to help her to believe in her feminine usefulness, in the fact that love exists on Earth not only for other women, but also for her, that not all is lost, that she does not need an ersatz, not only some kind of husband - but a loving and beloved person. That it is possible for her to meet him.

Such faith is valuable in itself: regardless of whether this meeting takes place or not.

The second big task is awareness itself life scenario... Remember, above we talked about the psychological benefit, about the fact that, ultimately, a person adapts to the situation in which he lives, and begins to satisfy part of his internal needs with its help. Understanding this means getting a chance to fulfill your need for love and support without playing the role of a victim. In the course of therapy, you can learn to be happy without creating additional difficulties for yourself.

And, of course, this is the construction of a new life scenario, where there is no place for addiction and alcoholism.

Vika managed to understand herself, since she is a strong-willed person, capable of being critical of herself and she really wanted to change her life.

She remarried at 38 years old, when Mitya was already 7 years old, and is much more satisfied with her second marriage than her first.