Adult daughters often live in conflict with their mother. Some of them do not hide this and speak about it directly, complaining to their friends. And some people prefer to remain silent and pretend that everything is fine in their relationship with their mother. But the fact remains a fact, and psychologists know this.

Adult daughters often live in conflict with their mother. Some of them do not hide this and speak about it directly, complaining to their friends. And some people prefer to remain silent and pretend that everything is fine in their relationship with their mother. But the fact remains a fact, and psychologists know this.

Letter without envelope

Yes, it happens that a mother irritates her daughter so much (as the daughters themselves say, “infuriates”) that her every word, every manifestation makes her nervous. The mother, as it were, becomes a lightning rod, the person who is to blame for all the troubles.

“Most likely, this situation stems from childhood: comments, advice that you don’t ask for, lack of common ground,” explains psychologist Irina Sitnikova. - You have already lost hope of clarifying something, changing, getting through, getting something other than advice: support, mother’s pride, praise, sympathy. When a situation like this hasn’t changed for years, it’s easier to step away and replace irritation with indifference. And everything would be fine, but the need to love our parents dies only with us, even if we think that this need has already been carefully buried by us. You should write a letter to your mother and say in it what you are unhappy with, what you would like to change and what you expect from your mother. You don’t need to give the letter to her, you need it, not her. We cannot do something to another person, but we can do something to ourselves, such as recognizing our need to love our parents.

And then try to feel gratitude and compassion for your mother - so that you can love her, but remember that she is not without flaws, but you will not have another mother. To be able to be angry at her, but remember that you are angry at the person you love who has done and is doing everything he can for you. And if she does something wrong, it’s because she doesn’t know how to love differently. Try to pay attention not to what your mother says, but to what she does for you. Remember that she is doing everything she can for you, she is trying. Try and feel gratitude for what she does for you.”

There is an expression: dissatisfaction with others is a projection of dissatisfaction with oneself. An adult daughter, like any person, may have different reasons for dissatisfaction: unsettlement at work, lack of money, lack of fulfillment in the profession, uncertainty of her position. But the main one is the relationship with a man.

If a daughter does not have a man, then she believes that her mother is indirectly to blame. If he exists, but the relationship with him is unstable and does not develop the way the young woman wants, then the blame is also shifted to the mother. If a daughter has a husband, then the mother will still be the lightning rod. After all, the daughter will not express to her husband everything that she thinks: she is afraid of conflict, afraid of ruining her relationship with him. And negative feelings accumulate, so she splashes out her dissatisfaction and irritation on her mother. Most often this happens unconsciously, without malicious intent. It’s just that a mother is a mother, she must understand, take everything upon herself and forgive. That's how she's supposed to do it.

“It’s a shame when children start making claims,” continues psychologist Irina Sitnikova. - We always do everything we can for them. So throw away your guilt. All the children of the world are unhappy with their parents; for all children, they are always to blame for everything. Apart from those whom their parents left in the care of the state, these children love their parents...

All children sooner or later begin to show signs of disappointment with their “ancestors.” This is normal, this is growing up, the process of separation is underway. If your daughter endlessly admires you, she will never risk tearing herself away from your skirt. Now she should have another object for idealization - a man.

So just be close to her. Let her even be disappointed in you. In response to her complaints, say that you may not be the best mother (and there are no ideal mothers), but you love her and do everything in your power for her.

Every mother doubts that she is a good mother, and this is precisely what allows her to be a good mother. And every mother experiences the process of separation as hard as the child, even if both sides do not show it. Let your daughter go, she will come back to you."

Don't grow old together

Are mothers always angels? Not always. Their most common mistake is to continue to consider their adult daughters as little girls and, in communicating with them, continue to play the role of a guardian-mentor: you said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, do as I say! Constant advice and instructions. This drives my daughter crazy. She is an adult, she wants to decide everything herself, because this is her life. And here comes constant “correction” from the mother. Mom seems to think that her daughter is still not smart enough, quick-witted, or independent enough, so she needs to be taught, guided, and prompted all the time. The mother seems to be watching her daughter all the time, controlling her. Therefore, it is not surprising that adult daughters strive to protect their lives from their mother’s invasion.

But it can be worse. If a mother has a strong, domineering character, then sometimes she manages to break her daughter’s will and subjugate her to herself. She manipulates and blackmails her daughter. The subtext is: “if you leave me (come home late, wear the wrong skirt, get involved with the wrong guy), then I will die.” Perhaps the mother does not realize the full harmfulness of her actions, but this does not make it any easier. And if the mother manages to break her daughter’s will and she completely submits to her mother, to the point of putting an end to her personal life and staying with her mother, then they will grow old together. Have you ever seen this? Sad picture...

What should a mother do? Internally separate yourself from your daughter. Stop lecturing her, stop giving her advice and interfering in her life. The daughter is already an adult and now must build her own destiny, even if she makes mistakes. She needs to gain her own life experience; this is the only way she can become a mature woman.

“Surely your daughter also lacks sincerity in relationships,” psychologist Elena Kuznetsova tells mothers. - Remember yourself as a daughter: mother’s love is a very important need. By refusing to be friends with your mother, a person loses a lot. But such actions are not done just like that. Usually they are preceded by some kind of resentment, misunderstanding, or something traumatic. And a direct question is hardly enough: “What are you offended by?” In their grievances, people tend to withdraw and isolate themselves. It looks something like this: “Oh, are you doing this to me? Well, I don’t need you anymore, I’ll do without you!” It is precisely these “bases of icebergs” that are most often found in conflicts between mothers and daughters.”

She will succeed

There is no need to fight with your daughter over who is more important and who should dictate to whom. We must endure, wait and wish her happiness. Sometimes you need to be able to remain silent and take on your daughter’s pain. Everything is healed and forgiven by love.

“You are the main person in your daughter’s life,” reminds psychotherapist Ekaterina Krasnikova. - And she really needs you. Resentment will not help restore trust between you. Try to cope with your emotions and take the first step, start a conversation. I think it’s more difficult for her to take the first step. Say that you thought you had a good, trusting relationship. Ask her what she thinks. She loves you, but she protests (she herself does not fully understand what exactly she is against). Just go up to her and hug her.”

Sometimes the best solution is a time out. Stop trying to fix anything. It's better to just distance yourself from each other and let events take their course. Forget about disagreements and calmly accept everything as it is, without expecting or doing anything. Let your daughter live her life, go through her lessons, and become a truly adult. She will succeed, have no doubt. When she becomes a mature, independent, confident woman and is finally happy, then the relationship with you will definitely improve. You just have to calmly wait for it, believing that it will happen.

Inna Kriksunova, for Fontanka.ru

A situation that parents often have to deal with is the child’s rudeness. This usually happens unexpectedly and is therefore shocking. Don’t lose your composure, children can become rude even in prosperous families.

Resolving this problem should begin by identifying the reasons for this behavior. The subsequent reaction directly depends on them.

Why are children rude?

1. The child attracts the attention of mom and dad. Perhaps he is going through difficulties, he needs support and understanding, which is why the baby begins to be rude. By expressing negativity, he shows his parents that he needs them and is waiting for a reaction to his behavior. He wants people to be interested in his affairs and spend time.
2. They can imitate adults. Still very small, they are not able to filter information received from the outside. They don't understand why people are rude to each other. Therefore, they perceive this as the norm of communication if they often swear at home, and will behave accordingly.
3. The cause of rudeness is difficult age. This especially applies to teenagers. They are characterized by a struggle for independence and self-affirmation, and parents are a suitable target for his attacks.
4. Rudeness may be the result of lapses in upbringing. If there are cases where a child was exposed to impudent behavior and rudeness, you should not be surprised that the situation worsens. He builds a model of behavior from an early age based on practical experience. The indulgences that were obtained thanks to the hysteria are remembered and influence his actions in the future.

What to do in such a situation?

Having found out the circumstances that caused your child to be rude, you can begin to act. The main thing is not to use physical punishment and not to be rude in response. Control yourself and remain calm. You should understand that if there is such a problem, transformations need to start with yourself.

• Lack of attention

Think about the last time you asked your child about the details of his life, relationships with friends, and success at school. Was your interest genuine? Children are sensitive to pretense, and questions asked “for show” will cause a negative reaction.

Be interested in your child's needs by asking, "Is there anything I can do to help you right now?" Do this sometimes and try to give him what he wants.

Let him know that you love him. Many people forget about this, thinking that the child already understands everything. Remember that you will no longer have the opportunity to establish contact. There is a certain age (3-5 years after the start of maturation), after which, teenagers with a lack of attention are completely alienated.

• Family situation

An unhealthy atmosphere at home leads to the fact that even a child begins to be rude. Parents should reconsider their habits and stop setting a bad example. Do you use foul language in front of him? Do you raise your voice for any reason? Perhaps mom and dad have a good relationship, but they allow themselves to speak impartially about someone. Be aware of the conversations you have.

Establish standards for polite, considerate family communication. The baby will easily accept them if everyone sticks to the right behavior together. Thank each other for dinner, wish each other good night and good morning. Resolve conflicts through dialogue. Apologize when there are reasons to do so. Show your example of courtesy and friendliness, and the reaction will not keep you waiting.

• A difficult age

Children grow up and begin to fight for their independence, behave defiantly, and become rude. This is a difficult time, but your future relationships depend on your resilience.

1. Think more often that this period is temporary, it will end. Remember yourself at his age, try to restrain your emotional reaction. You need to use common sense.
2. Keep reminding him that you love him. At this age, he can greatly hurt your feelings, you should not repay him in kind. Remember, this doesn't mean he stopped loving you.
3. Don't hide your resentment. Say that his actions hurt.
4. A teenager fights for personal space, so give him a little more freedom. You need to stop controlling his every move. He is growing up and wants to think for himself, don’t do it for him. Give instructions, but do not distribute them with numerous instructions. Let him feel independent.
5. Conduct the conversation as equals. The teenager will become rude because he is trying to prove his importance. He wants to know that they no longer see him as a baby.

There are also earlier ages when the baby begins to be rude and behave independently. You will have to stop controlling certain areas of his life and allow him to do something himself. Then the struggle for freedom will cease.

• Omissions in education

Every child had a scandal or hysteria. Reacting incorrectly to this type of behavior can lead to problems in the future. Therefore, teach politeness from an early age. Make it a rule not to comply with requests made in a commanding tone. Explain that you are willing to help, but when he calms down.

Reward good deeds. If you don’t stop focusing only on punishments, you will create a negative way of thinking in your child.

Children will become rude if you respond to such manipulation. Learn to say the word “no”. But do not forget to explain the reason for the refusal. Make it clear that you respect his wishes, but cannot fulfill them now due to circumstances. Try to maintain balance, do not be overly strict.

When there is an atmosphere of trust and sincerity in the family at home, this will cause a positive reaction from the child. Talk to each other, share your thoughts. Teaching him to talk about what's bothering him will minimize problems in the relationship. He will not start to be rude to his parents, who are always ready to listen and will not judge, no matter what happens.

Hello, dear readers! Adolescence is one of the most difficult periods for both the child and his parents. The teenager’s aggression intensifies (or arises), and it is not clear what to do with it so that the conflict does not flare up with enormous force. Turning your child against yourself is scary, leaving everything as it is is impossible.

Today we will talk about how to respond to a teenager’s rudeness. You will learn what traits are common to all teenagers who show aggression, where rebellion comes from, and also get advice from a psychologist on how to behave in this difficult situation.

Why do children rebel?

Psychologists have identified some traits that are common to all teenagers who exhibit... Often such children do not have any interests or hobbies and have primitive goals. They do not know how to control their behavior, and are often embittered and possessive at the same time.

Rebellion is characteristic of both children from disadvantaged families and those from fairly wealthy families. In this way they try to show their independence and maturity. The teenager develops his own views on life, he begins to evaluate the actions of others, but he does not know other models that would allow him to express his protest. He starts to be rude.

Parents' actions

Parents or grandmother are no longer indisputable authorities for a teenager, friends also appear, whose opinion he is guided by, he begins to realize his own role in life.

Continuing to communicate with your son or daughter as an unintelligent child during this period means damaging his self-esteem and only making things worse.

Now it is important for both of you to learn mutual understanding. Hear and listen to each other. Try to find out what your child is interested in, what fears he faces, what motivates him, etc. In addition, it is necessary to show yesterday’s child that there are other models of behavior that are better for resolving conflicts than rudeness and rudeness.

Communication based on emotions gives absolutely no results. In this way, you do not show that you are smarter or more mature, and certainly do not prove that your opinion is worth listening to. In the heat of emotions, it is best to leave your teen alone for a while until you both cool down. After that you can.

– like walking through a minefield. Conflict can flare up suddenly and out of nowhere. There's nothing to be done about it. It is impossible to warn him. However, you have the power to weaken it. Teenagers demand freedom. This is the only thing that has value for them now. The easiest way is to give it where possible.

If there is no trust

They develop at a young age, and if before the manifestation of aggression, confidential conversations were a luxury for you, then it will be very difficult to start.

A teenager simply does not know how to communicate with adults; he does not know what to talk to them about. What can you tell? He prefers to close himself off rather than gather information. He withdraws into himself.

You will have to be more patient. Talk to your teenager as openly and as equals as possible. Forget about mentoring and moralizing. You missed the moment when it would have worked.

For your son or daughter. Don't be pushy or overly persistent. Offer to spend time together doing things your teen enjoys. If he doesn’t want this, don’t insist, but try again after some time.

Warpath

Sometimes, aggression manifests itself in such a severe form that parents find themselves drawn into a real war - confrontation, confrontation, open hostility. Why do people find themselves in this situation?

Most often, in this way the child copies the behavior of adults. He may notice, in his opinion, unfair treatment in himself or in one of the family members. This results in misunderstanding and open hostility.

Such a serious confrontation can also arise if the mother or father... They don't let him take a single step on his own. He begins to fight for the most important thing in life, in his opinion - freedom.

The best way out of this situation is to understand the child’s opinion, listen to him and try to give him what he wants. Well, or find a middle ground between his desires and yours. You need to do this together, and not forgetting that you are no longer a caring parent, without whom the baby cannot eat, but equal members of society.

Useful books

I can recommend you some good books in which you will find a psychological view of the problem. Perhaps they will help you better understand your child and find a common language with him.

In the book Lawrence Steinberg's "Coming of Age" serious scientific studies have been collected that tell about the physiological and psychological restructuring of the teenager’s body.

You will learn how your child thinks, what methods exist to protect him from himself, what help you can provide so that he can independently learn to control himself.

This book contains a lot of valuable advice, but a small drawback lies only in the complexity of the topic and, as a result, difficult perception for the reader. There are plenty of benefits, but don't expect it to be easy reading.

There is much less physiology and explanations, and the main emphasis on the psychology of a teenager in the book Janusz Korczak "Respect for the Child". Trust, respect and freedom will give you much more advantages than shouting and punishment, which only erect additional walls between you.

It is really difficult for parents to let go of a child who just yesterday fell out of the blue and tried to stick candy up his nose. This book will help you take the first steps towards friendship with your child and learn to look at him differently.

Well, the last book is as simple as possible: “50 secrets for parents. Raising teenagers" by Valentina Reznichenko.

There are common problems that all parents face. For example, how to build respect in a girl, what to do if you don’t know the answer to a child’s question, is it possible to protect yourself from the influence of the street, what to do if you get angry when a teenager doesn’t listen. This book contains answers to these questions.

That's basically it. Don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter so you don't miss my future publications, which I plan to start writing right now. See you again and good luck.

A child’s rudeness (use of swear words, disrespectful attitude) is an expression of verbal (that is, expressed in words) aggression.

Aggression in a child occurs in response to a feeling of danger or dissatisfaction with circumstances. This is a form of defending your interests.

However, looking at a child’s rude behavior, it is not entirely obvious what is happening to him, and parents often do not give themselves the trouble to analyze his condition.

Depending on the environment in which the child grows up, the expressions may be more or less “strong”, but the essence of the matter is always the same - the child expresses his dissatisfaction in a rude manner.

The grandson, seeing his grandmother come in, shouts: “Get out of here!”

The girl, in response to the nanny’s request to turn off the TV, shouts: “Leave me alone, you stupid goat!”

The boy, having received a remark from his father, tells him: “You have made me hesitate!”

When trying to deal with rudeness, you need to remember that in addition to the ban on rudeness, the child must be provided with an acceptable alternative to behavior in stressful situations, that is, teach him how to replace rude expressions.

As with any other problem, it is better for parents to approach children’s rudeness with a “cool head.”

If your child is constantly rude, do not try to solve the problem on the spot, hot on the heels of somehow especially cleverly, harshly or unexpectedly reacting to his next attack. The problem is not solved at this point, but in a more complex and lengthy way.

What causes childhood rudeness?

1. Adult behavior.

It is close adults (and not Vasya from kindergarten, as many fear) that the preschooler will take as a model. Of course, he may bring back a couple of curse words from kindergarten, but with normal relations at home, it is very easy to explain to him that you don’t say such words.

If someone from the child’s family swears regularly, the child will definitely repeat it.

There are cases when a child is so intimidated by his parents that he cannot even think of any rudeness towards them, but in this case he will be rude to those with whom it is safe (with familiar children, brothers and sisters, pets).

Some parents, seeing themselves in the child’s behavior, clutch their heads, horrified, “Is it really me??” and strive to correct their behavior. In this case, the chances of success in overcoming childhood rudeness are greater.

Another part of the parents asks themselves a completely different question: “how to make sure that the child does not do this, does not repeat after me?” In such situations, the chances of success are minimal.

2. Children's negativism.

Negativism in psychology is the desire to resist demands, to do everything in defiance. In this case, the child, knowing that rude words are prohibited at home, can deliberately use them in a kind of “war” with adults, the purpose of which may be, for example, revenge on an adult or assertion of independence. The reasons for negativism are related to the child’s personal history.

Negativism is characteristic of the transition period, the crisis of three years. If you observe this phenomenon beyond the age of 3-4, it can be assumed that there are problems in the relationship with the child.

3. Blurred boundaries of what is permitted, the inability of adults to set rules and control the situation in the family.

In such cases, as a rule, the child’s psychological state also leaves much to be desired, however, he becomes a kind of family tyrant that no one can cope with. Rudeness is then only part of the problem; in other areas it is also difficult with a child.

How to teach a child politeness

Three classic and, as a rule, ineffective ways to solve the problem of rudeness include:

Punishments

Demanding an apology for rudeness

Explanations

Punishment is generally an ineffective form of influencing behavior. They work especially poorly in cases where the behavior is fixed and familiar to the child. Increasing the force of punishment usually does not lead to any results other than worsening the relationship with the child.

However, punishments can serve as a lightning rod for parents' own feelings, allowing them to relieve tension. Parents use punishment not to correct the situation (experience tells them that punishment will not help), but to compensate for their suffering from the child’s disobedience. They are driven rather by vengeful motives (“since you do this to me, then I will arrange it for you”).

If a child is rude regularly, you should not try to cope with rudeness by toughening the punishments for his misdeeds.

Demands for apologies and repentance for rudeness.

Some parents try to solve the problem by demanding that the child publicly repent and apologize to the injured party. It is difficult to understand how this can stop a child from being rude, but this technique is very popular. You can limit yourself to stating the fact that it does not work, and the child’s apologies are, as a rule, insincere.

Explanations.

Explanations are a very humane technique, which is held in high esteem by educated parents. The only problem is that explanations are effective when they achieve their goal and transform something in the child’s inner world. But explanations for the sake of explanations have no value.

Most parents who use explanations are categorically incomprehensible to their children, their arguments are irrelevant for children, and therefore do not work. The illusion that the child understands them forces parents to repeat their explanations. As a rule, the illusion rests on the fact that the child repeats the words of the adult and nods in response to the question “Well, do you understand now?”

You can hope for an explanation if you have something new to tell your child (and not something that you have already been repeating to no avail for the last six months). In addition, you must be sure that all words and concepts are thoroughly clear to the child, and that the arguments are meaningful to him and internally logical.

A special strategy for dealing with child rudeness

There are no magic pills for rudeness, no clever targeted techniques for combating this bad habit.

Rudeness will disappear if parents are purposeful and consistent. The strategy you are about to learn will work if you apply it for 2-3 weeks.

This strategy includes several directions in which you need to act simultaneously!!

1. Control yourself. Do not say in front of your child what you do not want to hear from him. Dealing with a child’s rudeness while the family speaks rudely (to each other or to third parties) is a Sisyphean task.

2. Encourage your child to speak politely.

This is the most important part of the strategy!

It is not possible for a child to be rude to you all the time. Notice and affirm out loud when your child is being polite (asking politely, expressing feelings or ideas). At first, it is important to reward polite statements especially often and accurately, so that the child has as accurate an idea as possible of what his words and actions lead to. attention and approval of parents.

3. Ignore rudeness.

Completely ignore your child's rude remarks. If rude words contain instructions, do not follow them under any circumstances!

Examples of rude statements containing instructions addressed to an adult:

"Get out of here!"

"Give me the sweater, quick!"

"Don't you dare touch it, it's mine!"

Under no circumstances should you do what a child asks rudely!

Ignoring rudeness means not reacting to it at all. It’s as if you don’t hear these elements in the child’s speech. You can read more about ignoring.

You must perceive the rest of the child’s text, even if it comes directly after a rude statement.

Typical mistakes in this punki include: perceived neglect and neglect of the child.

At apparent ignorance the parent says something like this: “I won’t talk to you until you are polite,” “say it politely,” “these are rude words, I don’t understand them.” Any reaction to a child’s rudeness cannot be considered ignoring. Ignoring is considered only a complete lack of reaction from the parent.

At ignoring the child In response to rudeness, the parent does not pay attention to the child for a long time. It is important that your ignoring is directed only at rudeness, and not at the child himself!

An example of the correct use of ignoring tactics:

Vasya: “Go away, you’re bad!”

The mother continues to wash the dishes without reacting at all.

A minute later, Vasya comes up to his mother and says: “Can I have an apple, please?”

The mother says: “Of course, great, if you ask politely!”

4. Be intentional about teaching politeness.

It is not enough to simply stop severe manifestations. You must pay sufficient attention to teaching your child polite forms of address.

Using games, cartoons and books, and your own behavior, explain to your child an acceptable way to express dissatisfaction. The older the child, the more you can count on dialogue with him in this regard. With children 5-7 years old, it is already quite possible to invent and play out situations related to the expression of dissatisfaction.

Come up with and play with your child how you can act if rudeness is about to roll off your tongue.

Don’t leave your child alone to reinvent the wheel: by banning rudeness as a form of self-expression, teach him to express his states differently. Then things will be more fun.

Rough

“Don’t you dare touch me now!!!”

Politely

“I’m as angry as a dragon now, I want to be alone!”

Rough

“Grandma is a fool, she doesn’t understand anything!”

Politely

“I get offended if grandma doesn’t listen to me!”

Rough

“Eat your own stupid soup!”

Politely

“I’m upset now and I can’t eat!”

If the child is very angry, and there is no way to help the matter, you can express your anger through drawings, tearing paper (noisy crushing of paper cups works great), sports exercises and other actions that do not harm others. You can read more about how to reduce feelings of anger.

Spiritual exercises will also help. Usually people breathe enough to maintain the vital functions of the body, but not at all enough to control their emotions, in particular to calm down. Advice: “Breathe deeply!” is still relevant, including for children.

Tell your child that when he is angry, he can take in more air and then blow it out to help the anger go away. To do this, you just need to remember about it in time and retire for a couple of minutes.

5. Remember episodes of rudeness.

With children over 3 years old, you can discuss episodes in which they were rude. This should be done in a calm environment, when the acute conflict has already passed. It makes sense to talk about what led to the outburst of rudeness and come up with and play out 2-3 alternative options for behavior in a similar situation.

Overcoming difficulties in a relationship with a child is, as a rule, a long process, rarely associated with a single successful action by the parents. Therefore, you can expect results from the strategy after a considerable period of time, although you may notice improvements from the very first days.

© Elizaveta Filonenko

Nicole Schwartz , a family therapist, gives valuable advice on how parents can respond appropriately to disrespectful children:

“How often do you repeat this scenario: the walk is over, it’s time to go home. Five minutes before, you warned the child to “wind up”, he agrees, nothing portends trouble. When suddenly, you say that it’s time, and then the child seems to have been replaced : “No! I’m not going home! You never let me go for a walk! You never even give me a cookie/bun to take to school." Anger, of course, grows in you: “How dare you talk to me like that?” The child continues: “You’re evil!”, and you are furious: “That’s it, no tablet for a week!” and drag the struggling, screaming child home. And this repeats periodically.

As parents, we must teach our children to treat other people with respect. Unfortunately, at the moment of conflict we cannot teach them anything. Yes, we would like to deal with rudeness right there on the spot, but when your child is upset, disappointed, angry, his brain will not perceive any words. This is a kind of defensive reaction - “fight or flee”, so he “fights”, and therefore does not hear the voice of reason. In addition, by shouting and offending children, we certainly will not teach them respect, because we act without respect towards them. I know that the rudeness of your “native blood” infuriates you, but if this is a trigger for your anger, then your brain also turns off during a defensive reaction, you either react with anger, screaming and punishment, or you fall silent and admit defeat. But there is a way to teach children respect without threats.

How to respond to disrespectful children

Stay calm

Remaining calm when children are rude is very difficult. At first it may even seem impossible. But if you are rude to children, they will definitely not learn to respect you. Strengthen your self-control by breathing deeply, counting to 20, and repeating the mantra, “Calm down, it’s okay,” before responding to your child.

Decipher their behavior

Look at the situation through your child's eyes. Is what you're asking inconvenient for them? Do they feel helpless? Their answer is what they feel inside. And now they cannot express it in other words.

Show empathy

Help your children understand how they feel: “It’s too bad we have to leave already” or “I know you really don’t want to leave when you’re just having fun.” You don't have to agree with your child's feelings, you are just showing that you understand them.

Check the time

Some children do not tolerate hunger and thirst well, low blood glucose, others are very sensitive to events around them or get tired if they do not get enough sleep. How long has it been since your child ate? Maybe we should give him something to drink in time? Take you away from a noisy environment?

Slow down your anger

It is very easy to let go of the brakes and give in to anger and emotions. Slow down the process: “Wow, so much information, I would listen to what you say, but you speak very quickly. Let’s calm down so I can understand what you want to tell me.”

Remember the importance of skin-to-skin contact

When a child is being rude, the last thing you want to do is hug him. But for many children, this is exactly what they are missing. And perhaps this will be enough to avoid saying nasty things to each other.

When the situation “settles down,” you will need to try to understand what it was: too much sweets and other stimuli, or the problem is more serious and needs to be solved somehow.

Work on mistakes

When everyone is in a calm state, you can discuss the situation and decide what to do next time. If you hesitate or delay reacting, it does not mean that you are a passive parent or that you support the idea that it is okay to be rude. This means that you give your brain and your child's brain time to return to a state in which it can accept information.

When you are ready to talk to your child, start with: “You were upset that you had to leave the walk. Let’s think about how differently you can tell me how you feel?” You can start with specifics: “I heard you said something about buns to school. Do you want to talk about it now?” By the way, you also have feelings, express them, let the child know how his words affect you, and try not to blame the child, but only show how you felt: “It hurt me to hear when you said that I am the most evil mother in the world! If, at the time of the conflict, you lost your cool and said not very pleasant words, this needs to be acknowledged. You are not perfect, and it will be helpful for your children to see that you are also working on your self-control.published