This story was told to me by a professional driver, a chauffeur, in short. Once on the highway, he overtook an acquaintance and waved his hand, greeted him. And he sees in the rearview mirror that he tensed and began to catch up with him. Offended. I tried to overtake several times, but it was impossible to overtake. That speed was not enough, then interference in the form of oncoming cars. And there is a fork in the road ahead. The driver needs to go to the right, and the one behind - to the left, there he has a dacha. But in the excitement of the race, he did not turn to the left, but turned right, famously increased the speed at the turn and overtook the driver, finally! - he consoled his wounded pride - you can rest.
Well, he didn't shoot, as in the case when a man in a VAZ overtook a cool black SUV on a remote country road, after which he increased the speed, caught up with the VAZ and started shooting at him with a pistol, and not at the wheels, but to kill ...
And interestingly, both of these events happened in the same area.
I wonder if this is a local anomaly, or a widespread one?

My daughter asks:
- Mom, will Aunt Vali have a baby?
Mum:
- Yes
Daughter:
- And where is he now with her?
Mum:
- Well ... In the tummy.
Some time passes and already at the very house my daughter says:
- Mom, you said that if you suck dirty fingers. then bugs will start in the stomach! And what do you need to suck to have children ?!
Dad stopped the car, dropped the steering wheel and fell out of it with a loud laugh!

Sometime in his youth, my friend, returning from work, bought flowers for his wife, so, for no reason ...
For three days she tortured him like the bourgeoisie of Malchish-Kibalchish:
- What's happened? Why suddenly flowers?
- So, I wanted to make a gift!
- No, why, there must be a reason?
Now he bypasses flower shops ...

We got into an unfamiliar company. Between me and my acquaintance, Alexei, there is a very sexy lady, still unfamiliar to us ...
Alexey, apparently, decided to get ahead of me and get to know me first, and so gallantly asks her:
- Pour vodka for you?
She:
- I don't drink vodka (there are no drinks on the table except vodka, it just so happened).
Alexey silently puts the bottle on the table and turns on the thinker ... you can hear the electrons and holes creak in the transistors ... While his processor is accelerating to the required number of gigahertz, I calmly take the same bottle, and slowly fill its glass ... Alexei is shocked, the processor instantly overheated, the system froze, and then the lady told him instructively, as if finishing off:
- Like this ... You shouldn't ask, but act!
Truly, the boldness of the city takes ... and not only ...

Several years ago I went to the salon to buy a car, but the one I was counting on was no longer there ... There were others that fit the parameters, but more expensive ... a certain amount was not enough ... I had to call a friend, and he quickly brought money.
A couple of days later I registered the car with the traffic police, got a state number for the car and invited my friend and his wife to his home - to wash the purchase.
- First, show me the car, - he refused the first glass ...
We went downstairs, he sat inside, turned the steering wheel, rolled around the house, got out, walked around the car and asked:
- Did you choose him specifically in honor of me?
- What did you choose? - I did not understand.
- Number of the car…
- No, which one got in turn ...
It turned out that his number and mine are exactly the same, the difference was only in the letters ...
Probably, you will also remember funny cases with numbers and numbers - it is God playing dice with us so that we would not be bored ...

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* * *
Minibus. The driver waits until the passenger compartment is full, does not move.
Nervous old lady:
- Driver! How long can you stand? I've been sitting here for half an hour!
Driver:
- You can follow the route. I'll pick you up on the way.

* * *
My wife decided to dump the children with my mother. Kind of rest while I'm doing renovations. Well, I don't mind, I sent it.
I got drunk for three days and got down to work. Among other things, I renewed the parquet floor and painted it with a new shiny transparent varnish and left. And I forgot about the cat. I come back - everywhere on the parquet there are small prints of kitty paws. And such a vexation took me.
Well, I think, the cat-bitch, has finished badly. Out of grief, he put the cat into the washing machine - twisted it a little. The cat is spinning there - its eyes are huge, it meows. Shitty, in short, the cat. Well, I cooled down a little (someone else's grief, it heals mental wounds) and released the sufferer. The cat jumps out of the car, shits on the refrigerator and jumps out of the kitchen window. Right through the glass - into the street, and I live on the fourth floor.
What should I do? I found the cat (a live bitch, only quiet), put in glass, repainted the parquet, met my family. This is yesterday, and today I come home from work - my wife is sitting, crying.
- What, - I ask, - are you crying?
- Why, - she says, - I decided to wash my shirts, turned on the machine, so the cat threw itself out of the window through the glass!
Now I'm going to look for the cat again. And I'll put a double-glazed window in the kitchen.

* * *
A friend told me the other day. His mother-in-law from Kiev came to him in France. Well, he says, I decided to surprise her with some local delicacies, and after dinner arrange for her to drive around Paris at night. I tell her that there will be surprises for you tonight. I bought a jar of foie gras (as you know, a pâté made from a special goose liver), more expensive, more chic, carefully cut out the lid and the bottom with a knife, squeezed out the pâté cylinder, cut all this beauty in round layers and put it on special loaves. Serving, pouring the appropriate wine, everything is so exquisite. Mother-in-law:
- So this is it, surprise?
- Well, yes. The mother-in-law takes the last loaf with a round piece of pâté and bites. There is a strange and rather loud grinding sound. Everyone looks at the mother-in-law. The mother-in-law, without blinking, looks at me, somehow strangely manipulating the snack in her mouth. I can not understand anything. It seems that her false jaw is warped and completely jammed with pate. The pause is full of internal strife. Finally, the mother-in-law manages to cope with the catastrophe in the mouth, and a jaw that has moved to one side, I don’t know if it’s whole, fragments of a loaf are born, and then a tin bottom from a tin can, where this foie gras was, falls from the mouth onto a plate. God knows how it stuck to a round piece of pate, and exactly to the one that the mother-in-law chose! Mother-in-law looks into my eyes so bitterly and reproachfully, as if I did it on purpose. And at that moment my youngest daughter enters from the kitchen:
- Well, how do you, grandma, surprise? And you still don't know what your dad came up with after dinner!

* * *
The neighbor went for a walk with the dog (their name is Piglet), lost the leash. On all fours with a mobile phone in hand, he crawls through the grass in search of. Here Piglet rushes into the bushes with a bark and does not return. The girl stands on all fours, looks carefully into the bushes and makes the following sounds:
- Oink ...? Oink ?! Oink, blah, Oink !!!
At this moment a police squad is passing by ...
The girl for about 10 minutes explained that she was not smoky and sober, had lost the leash and was calling the dog.

* * *
Once on a hike, when everyone was already drunk, one friend fell asleep in a sweet dream right under the tree. Then we carefully put a three-liter glass jar on his hand - and tickled his nose with a straw ...
The result was terrible ...

* * *
Today in Russia there is an epidemic of high-tech fraud. Either SMS comes "from a friend" with a request to replenish the account, then the "ICQ admin" threatens to block the number if you do not send a message. In general, the people have already learned these tricks and do not give in to provocations. However, individuals meet ...
An acquaintance of mine works in a call-center of a cellular operator. He recently told the following story. Further - from the first person.
- Call. A middle-aged lady, judging by her voice. She says so and so, a message came - she allegedly won a plasma panel in the "draw of numbers". To receive a prize, all you need to do is send an SMS with a specific code to the short number XXXX, and in response, supposedly, they will tell you where to go for the prize. The aunt hesitated and called the operator.
I politely and in great detail explained to her that these were scammers, that we did not have any practical joke, rejoicing in my heart that not all of us still lose their heads at the sight of a freebie. He warned that for such an SMS a lot of money would leave her account. On that and said goodbye.
A couple of hours later, a woman of about forty-five or fifty comes running into the office, all in angry emotions, and immediately begins to shout that she just had money on her account, as much as four hundred rubles, and now she owes a hundred, that this is from our side fraud that she won't leave it like that, and so on.
Did the detailing and what do you think? The very person who called and to whom I explained everything to the Russians in white took and sent an angry message with threats to the “vile scammers”. To the same short number. Moreover, for the sake of fidelity, I duplicated it.
No, if a person is a sucker at heart, it is useless to teach him ...

* * *
I changed the battery in the kitchen here. He pulled the old cast iron into the entrance. And the fifth floor, no lift. I somehow dragged one flight of stairs and died. And then I had a brilliant idea. I went home, on a piece of paper I write “whoever brings the battery to the street, that 100 rubles. Apply to sq. such-and-such "While I was writing, the cn * battery was installed ...

* * *
Once I go to visit a friend. Their courtyard is wonderful - closed, on one side there is an arch-exit, on the other there is a path-exit. I walk in along the path and see: a huge dog, "elephant-catchers" systems (either a black terrier, or a Moscow watchdog) is carrying a small child in its teeth. WHAT TO DO?
Fading, I am preparing to screech in a voice that is not my own, but the dog calmly puts the child in the sandbox, where two more of the same are swarming, and fits side by side, muzzle on its paws, like dozing. The second kid, looking back at the dog, gets out of the sandbox and plops to the arch - it's so interesting there:
people, cars, a busy street ... The dog is watching from under furry eyebrows. When there are 5 baby steps left to the arch, the dog gets up, in 2 steps catches up with the "intruder", takes it by the hood, takes it to the sandbox, lies down ...
Border is locked tight!!!

* * *
Not far from Chisinau there is a small regional center Kalarash, of the sights there is a brandy factory and the only traffic light in the center of the town. There are heaps of incredible stories associated with this traffic light and the local traffic police, and here is one of them.
The Deputy Minister of Internal Affairs, in civilian clothes, hairstyle "hedgehog" (this is important) in his personal Zhigulenka went to his friends or relatives and drove already to the yellow one through this intersection. Naturally, the striped stick merchants immediately told him to take to the right. Well, the deputy minister took to the right, prepared a certificate, he was probably even going to announce his gratitude for the excellent performance of the service, but then something happened that became this story. Gaets, smiling all over his face, walked up to the car and uttered a sacramental phrase:
- Well, hedgehog, flew in?
An hour later, he was already working as a district police officer, with a demotion in rank and position, in a godforsaken village, and his winged expression made him the hero of the day.

* * *
Once we went to a conference in Turkey. 250 people, yeah. And we lived in a 5 * hotel, I will not say which one, "ultra all booze is included." The trip is rather short, but everyone had time to try drinks, and to cheat the Turks, and congratulate themselves on their own steepness. Even a small cultural program was arranged, in the form of renting a micro-jeep and a trip to a neighboring village for adventure. Well, I'm not talking about that ..
So, on the last day of the trip, or rather early in the morning, we gathered at the airport. Such a large-scale conference should be photographed, for which a photographer was specially brought from the Motherland. The task is to take pictures of 250 faces at once, and preferably in front of the hotel. How to do it? Of course, from the roof of the hotel! We all quickly gather in a heap in the square in front of the main building; the photographer from the roof gestures that a bird is about to fly out. Well, do not yell at five in the morning under the windows? It's a decent hotel ...
The end of the story. A peaceful German burgher wakes up in the morning in his room and, as it is, in shorts and a T-shirt, goes to the balcony for a smoke. Lighting a cigarette, he immediately chokes on it, because from below 250 drunk (why, we drink in the morning, for free) smiling Russians are staring at him. The German looks around - no one is on the neighboring balconies. Can't find anything better than to wave at us. 250 Russians wave back and continue to examine the German ...
I think THIS will not go to Turkey anymore. Fuck knows what else to expect from these Russians!

Understandable only to Russians

A 30 km skier race in Sapporo 1972. The history that there, in Japan, is still transmitted in legends. Then there were no mixed zones and press conferences, and journalists calmly wandered among the athletes right in the starting town. And suddenly, when a good half of the riders had already fled, snow fell. Thick, sticky. And Vyacheslav Vedenin, a minute before his start, undertook to lubricate his skis. And a local journalist, who speaks Russian, turned to him: they say, you think he will help - is it snowing?
What Vedenin answered him, only we in Russia understand. And in Japan the next day the newspapers came out with the headlines: “Having said the magic word“ Dahusim ”, the Russian skier won the Olympics”.

Funny guy

One businessman I know for fun dressed up as a half-home for the evening of a meeting of classmates ... Without a stench, of course, but the view is specific. No one even bothered to pester him with questions about his life, women ignored him, and the men just sympathetically poured out like she was a villainous fate with an excellent student ...

But the guys experienced a real culture shock when, at the end of the evening, Bentley came for a half-homeless man ... and leaving the waiter a hundred bucks for tea, he asked: “Who is in the direction of the airport? I can throw it up. "

Elevator

Did any of the girls get stuck in the elevator for two hours with two unfamiliar cadets who had drunk a lot of beer before?
It was a hot May evening, and my friend and I suddenly hung with these two between the fifth and sixth floors. At first it was funny, we got to know each other and cheerfully helped the guys yell for salvation. But the cadets were screaming somehow sadly and somehow doomed. And suddenly they apologized and hinted about the after-beer problem.
We are teachable girls: we turned away and began to snort into the corners of the elevator car. From the sounds that reached us, the technology was extremely simple. After all, you can't get on the floor (we'll suffocate), so one cadet squeezed the tight doors a little, and the second tried to get in. So the first hit, and they switched roles. The second one also began to hit, but his friend's fingers trembled, and he accidentally let go of the doors ... Have you ever heard a cadet screaming in an elevator on a May evening? And how he jumps at the same time, how terribly the elevator staggers, what uninteresting words are spoken at the same time….
In general, while we were pressing the doors, my friend and I slid to the floor laughing and almost did a pee-pee ourselves ... The elevator was turned on about three minutes after this terrible scream, which, apparently, was heard on the other side of the city by an elevator repairman ...

“256”

I'm on the tram. Winter. Everyone is in outerwear. Wrapped up. I look in front of me some kind of bloke with a backpack. On the backpack, literally dangling on snot, hangs a flash drive, and on it is written - "256". She literally beckons herself and beckons to take her. My bus stop came up. I pulled off this flash drive without much effort and left. I came home, put it into the computer, see what was on it - and the whole system was completely flying with me, right up to formatting the hard drive and almost flashing the BIOS ...
Now I took this wonderful flash drive, drew “257” on it, attached it to my backpack - so that I could easily pull it off - and every time I travel with it in transport, waiting for some other muden who wants it steal from me ... "

I was late for the lecture

One day I was late for a lecture on the stock market. Those. when I burst into the door, the teacher was already lecturing in full:
- ... but in Russians they are small, short, but very active ...

He saw me and stopped. Apparently there was a slight bewilderment on my face, because I made a sign with my hand “pass” and continued the lecture:
- For latecomers - I remind you. We were talking here about trading futures contracts on Russian stock exchanges, and not at all about what made you blush.

We don't want to clean up!

United Air almost fired one cheerful steward, who, when the plane landed and the gangway was launched, did not find anything smarter than saying over the speakerphone:
-… .who is the last one - removes the plane!
What caused a real panic among the passengers.

Everything is relative

We had a subject in the third year - the structure of matter. Chemists need him like a cow needs eggs, so they were pretty cool about him. Most still managed to pass the test for free, but some especially gifted were unlucky. For example, two comrades studied, one of whom passed it seven times, and the second - 11 (eleven). When they passed for the seventh time, the session was already in progress, and the sacred service took place in the teacher's lab.

The first one was interviewed pretty quickly, went out into the corridor and began to wait for his partner. Suddenly the teacher leaves the room, notices the poor man and says:
- You're still here? Wonderful! Let's get the record book! - sets the test and explains:
- You see, there your friend bears such that you are just Lomonosov in comparison with him!

Cute hedgehog

Today people at work started talking about all sorts of funny cases with pets) And now our accountant told about his daughter's beloved cat. Well, she has an adult daughter, she is married and lives separately) And somehow friends gave her a toy, a furry, cute hedgehog, but if you press his belly, he starts laughing)) And her healthy cat, three years old, not neutered, but the streets and, in general, a free life who did not smell, suddenly flared up towards this hedgehog with the most tender feelings))) And with the need to demonstrate them to others and the more people around, the better) In short, as soon as they have guests in their house, the cat drags its hedgehog and in public fulfills his conjugal duty with him. And the hedgehog laughs homerically. What happens to people watching this picture, I think you can imagine. I walk around like that, without even seeing it, and all day is completely indecent neigh.

Greetings

In my punk youth I was "a blond boy of eighteen years old." Well, more precisely, very black-haired, hair below the shoulders and clothes jeans and a T-shirt - complete unisex. With a face that was barely touched by a razor. And here I came back somehow from my birthday.
How can punk come back from his birthday? Essssno, pretty "podshofe". And in the summer twilight, barely engaged, this miracle jumped out at me and showed its genitals. To which I, not at all surprised, silently presented mine. Probably, my young and intoxicated by alcohol brain thought that this was a new way of greeting and it fit quite well into my informal life position
The pervert wrapped himself up and was blown away with an offended exclamation .. And I realized the events only in the morning.

Cemetery

Listen to the story. The terrible truth this time. Well, who is not afraid - listen. And if anyone's nerves to hell, then, as written above, it is better to immediately leave the site floor. From Yaganovo to Leontyevo, three kilometers by fields, a path. You can, of course, take a bus directly to the place, but Sanya loves this road,
train, and then walk. Because the poet. He says that when he walks like this, unhurriedly, across the field, the god in the top of his head whispers poems to him.
And what? Quite. There will pass - a couple of rhymes. Conversely, half a poem. So over the summer he finds a collection, in the winter he publishes, sits, smokes. And the places are most picturesque, grace. By the lake. Then a ravine, a bridge. To the right is a village churchyard, to the left, a little further, - an old, ruined church. In this abandoned church Sanya, as a believer, and generally close to the Lord, likes to go on the way. Stand under the high vaults, look at the remains of the paintings, think about the eternal.
Smoke.
Here you go. And then I went at the end of August, by the last train. I hadn’t been there for a long time, maybe for a month, well, I didn’t calculate that the day had gone down a lot. I went down to Yaganovo, it’s about midnight, the darkness is hopeless, even if it’s an eye. He shivered, but went wherever you go. The road is well-trodden, you can feel it. Moreover, there is no way to return anyway. Okay, walking slowly, listening. Well, I mean, suddenly God hasn't gone to bed either, and right now, despite the late hour, she will begin to dictate rhymes to him. Prepared, then, to take shorthand. But God, take it instead, and as luck would have it - rain!
Yes, not just rain, but a downpour!
And not just a downpour, but a thunderstorm! The last thunderstorm in August. It’s unpleasant. Lightning flashes, the rain is cold, there is a splash underfoot.
"Nothing, - thinks Sanya, - I'll get to the church, hide, wait a little bit." In a backpack there is a thermos with hot tea, a liter bottle of vodka as a gift to the owner, some food, so you can stand the night and the day, if necessary, hold out. And he increases the pace, so as not to get completely wet to the skin. And now the fences of the churchyard began to differ in the flashes of lightning. Here is the ravine, here is the bridge, and here it is a stone's throw to the church.
And then suddenly - once! Trouble! Sanya hurried across the bridge, and the bridge — what a bridge, two logs. Slippery, dark. And already at that edge he slipped, and right into the ravine - a splash! No, not even that. But like this. SHLOOPPP! Flat. And slid down the slope. The slope is a stove-maker's dream, solid clay.
Well, I got out somehow, not even the first time, all covered in clay from head to toe. Got out, let's swear at God out of annoyance. Why is such a test instead of a rhyme? God from above him with lightning huyak for blasphemy, and added more rain. Sanya hands in feet, "God forgive me, save and save", and into the church, under the arches. He ran into the church, wiped the clay from his muzzle with his sleeve, and caught his breath. And suddenly he looks - wow! In the far side-chapel - light !!! Uneven, like a fire. Sanya became anxious, listened. Light sways, shadows on the walls, and voices! Agaaaaa!
Sanya is a guy not timid, and not superstitious, he grabbed the backpack in his hand, and quietly walked into the light. Whatever, he thinks, evil there was, everything is better than back in the rain. He approached quietly, and saw - a fire was burning, a kettle was hanging over the fire, four peasants were sitting on boxes near the fire, looking rather ordinary and homeless. There is a candle on the box between them, a snack which is laid out. In the corner, the shovels glisten with sharp, sharpened blades.
Sanya felt better. Homeless people, not homeless people, but it is clear that people are engaged in digging graves in the cemetery. We have worked for a day and are resting. Well, too, people are quite ordinary, if you have the right approach, everything is better than evil spirits. And in what form Sanya himself at that time was, so homeless compared to him, and in general purely princes of the prince-elisei.
And Sanya decided to reveal himself to society. Moreover, having with you a weighty argument for acquaintance in the person of a liter bottle of vodka. And now Sanya enters the circle of light, makes a friendly face through a thick layer of clay, and speaks affably in a voice slightly frozen in the wind.
- Greetings, kind people! Let me warm up by your fire, otherwise I’m so cold there, I don’t have the strength!
The men turned to the voice, but instead of hello they suddenly froze abruptly and their faces changed a lot! They looked at Sanya, fear fluttered in their eyes, the hair on their heads, whoever had them, began to stir, one in general began to crawl from the box to the ground, no one could open his mouth. Sanya feels that something is not right. Something must be added to defuse tension. Is talking.
- Don't be afraid, guys, I'm with mine! - and stretches forward a bottle of vodka. - I'll just sit a bit, until the first roosters at most, and go home. And then it's raining there, and damp, brrrrr!
And then one of the peasants, either the oldest or the most courageous, earnestly overshadowing himself or Sanya with the sign of the cross, gets up from the box, and wheezes in a grave voice:
- WHY DO YOU DO THIS, GAD, DIGGED ???

Once Henry Ford, traveling in a small car of his company, saw on the road exactly the same car with a deteriorated engine.

He immediately provided the unknown motorist with the necessary assistance: he supplied spare parts, adjusted the motor. When the grateful owner of the stuck car handed out five dollars, Ford smiled: “No, no, you don’t need money. Things are not going badly for me anyway. " “I don’t really believe it, sir! - he answered. - If you succeed in business, you would not be shaking in a pitiful "car" ... ".

Galileo Galilei spent his wedding night reading a book. Noticing that it was already daylight, he went to the bedroom, but immediately left there and asked the servant: "Who is lying in my bed?" “Your wife, sir,” the servant replied. Galileo completely forgot that he was married.

German mathematician Peter Gustav Dirichlet was very taciturn. When his son was born, he sent his father-in-law a telegram, perhaps the shortest in the history of the telegraph: "2 + 1 = 3".

Outstanding American scientist Thomas Edison, the author of many inventions in the field of electrical engineering and communications, cinema and telephony, chemistry and mining, military technology, never worked without an assistant. For a long time, one of the assistants, a former sailor, helped Edison in conducting laboratory experiments and demonstrating new technology. When he was asked how Edison makes his inventions, he was sincerely surprised every time: “I can't put my mind to it. After all, I do everything for him, and Edison only frowns his forehead, but lets go of comments in my address. And in general: I work, and he rests! ".

One day Voltaire was invited to a dinner party. When everyone was seated, it turned out that the maestro found himself between two grumpy gentlemen. Having drunk well, Voltaire's neighbors began to argue about how to properly address the servants: "Bring me some water!" or "Give me some water!" Voltaire unwittingly found himself right at the epicenter of this dispute. Finally, tired of this outrage, the maestro could not resist and said: - Gentlemen, both of these expressions are inapplicable to you! Both of you should say, "Take me to the watering hole!"

Traveling through France, Mark Twain traveled by train to the city of Dijon. The train was passing and he asked to be woken up on time. At the same time, the writer said to the guide: - I am very sound asleep. When you wake me up, maybe I will scream. So ignore it and be sure to drop me off in Dijon. When Mark Twain woke up, it was already morning and the train was approaching Paris. The writer realized that Dijon had passed and was very angry. He ran to the conductor and began to reprimand him. - I've never been as angry as I am now! he shouted. “You’re not as angry as the American I dropped off in Dijon at night,” the guide replied.

After the first telegram was successfully transmitted from Europe to America, Alexander Stepanovich Popov made another report in one of the capital's clubs on his invention of a wireless telegraph system. Representatives of the royal court were present among the public in the hall, some of them were very skeptical of Popov's message. So, one of the ladies of high society, not understanding a word from the report, turned to Popov with such a tricky question as she thought: “However, how do you explain that this is a telegram during its passage across the ocean, from the mainland to the mainland , didn't you drown and didn't even get wet? " Alexander Stepanovich only shrugged his shoulders, and the lady, looking around, smiled smugly.

At the ceremonial closing of the 1896 automobile exhibition in Paris, French physicist and electrical engineer Marcel Despres proposed a toast to the future car, which will reach a speed of 60 kilometers per hour. In response, one well-known car designer then responded with displeasure: - Why is there always someone who ruins the whole celebration with his stupid predictions!

Once a friend of Alexander Pushkin, officer Kondyba, asked the poet if he could come up with a rhyme for the words "cancer" and "fish". Pushkin replied: "Fool Kondyba!" The officer was embarrassed and offered to compose a rhyme for the combination of "fish and cancer". Pushkin was not at a loss even here: "Kondyba is a fool."

"There is no great man for a servant." An interesting confirmation of this old rule was the opinion of an old gardener who served for several decades with Charles Darwin. He loved the famous natural scientist, but had a “minimal opinion” about his abilities: “Good old gentleman, but it's a pity - he cannot find a worthwhile occupation for himself. Judge for yourself: for several minutes stands staring at a flower. Well, would a person who has some serious occupation would do this? "

Once, speaking at the Polytechnic Institute at a debate on proletarian internationalism, Vladimir Mayakovsky said: - Among Russians I feel like a Russian, among Georgians - a Georgian ... - And among fools? - suddenly someone shouted from the audience. - And among the fools I am for the first time, - instantly answered Mayakovsky.

English theoretical physicist Paul Dirac married Wigner's sister. Soon an acquaintance came to visit him, who still did not know anything about the event. In the midst of their conversation, a young woman entered the room, who called Dirac by name, poured tea and generally behaved like a mistress of the house. After a while, Dirac noticed the guest's embarrassment and, slapping himself on the forehead, exclaimed: - Sorry, please, I forgot to introduce you - this is ... Wigner's sister!

Bernard Shaw, already a renowned writer, once collided with a cyclist on the road. Fortunately, both got off with nothing but fright. The cyclist began to apologize, but Shaw objected, “You're out of luck, sir! A little more energy and you would deserve immortality as my killer.

One day, a very obese man said to skinny Bernard Shaw, “You look like you’re going to think your family is starving. - And to look at you, you might think that you are the cause of this disaster.

The Prussian king Frederick II, considering himself an erudite man, liked to talk with members of his academy of sciences, sometimes asking ridiculous questions during these conversations. Once he asked academicians: "Why does a glass filled with champagne make a cleaner ringing than a glass filled with Burgundy?" Professor Sulzer, on behalf of all the academicians present, replied: "The members of the Academy of Sciences, with the low salary assigned to them by your Majesty, unfortunately, are deprived of the opportunity to conduct such experiments."

Once Ilf and Petrov were asked if they had to write under a pseudonym. To which they replied: - Of course, Ilf sometimes signed up with Petrov, and Petrov with Ilf.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle jokingly chose the addresses of the 12 largest London bankers, reputed to be exceptionally honest and respectable people, and sent each of them a telegram that read: “Everything floated out. Hide. " The next day, all 12 bankers disappeared from London. By the fact of their flight, they all recognized the criminal and antisocial nature of their activities.

Alexandre Dumas once dined with the famous doctor Gistal, who asked the writer to write something in his guest book. Dumas wrote: “Since Dr. Gistal treats entire families, the hospital must be closed” The doctor exclaimed: “You flatter me! Then Dumas added: "And build two cemeteries ..."

Guy de Maupassant worked for some time as an official in the ministry. A few years later, in the archives of the ministry, they found a description of Maupassant: "A diligent official, but writes poorly."

In 1972, a young Indian wrote to John Lennon that he had a dream to travel around the world, but no money, and asked to send the necessary amount. Lennon replied: "Practice meditation and you can see the whole world in your imagination." In 1995, the Indian still went on a round-the-world trip. He got the right amount by auctioning Lennon's letter.

Once the customs officer, while inspecting the luggage of the British playwright, poet and writer Oscar Wilde, who had arrived in New York, widely known for his wit, asked the distinguished guest if he had jewelry and art objects with him that must be included in the declaration. “Nothing but my genius,” said Oscar Wilde.

When the current heir to the British crown, Prince Charles, studied at Cambridge, a bodyguard went with him to all classes. The Cambridge training system allowed the bodyguard to participate in discussion and debate. And at the end of the training, the teachers invited him to pass the exams. As a result, the bodyguard scored more points than the prince himself, and also received a diploma.

Once at a reception, Charlie Chaplin performed a very complex operatic aria for the assembled guests. When he finished, one of the guests exclaimed, “Awesome! I had no idea that you sing so magnificently. - Not at all, - Chaplin smiled, - I never knew how to sing. I was just imitating the now famous tenor whom I heard in the opera.

During Vladimir Vysotsky's vacation in Sochi, thieves looked into his hotel room. Together with things and clothes, they took all the documents, and even the key to the Moscow apartment. Having discovered the loss, Vysotsky went to the nearest police station, wrote a statement, and they promised to help him. But no help was needed. When he returned to his room, there were already stolen things and a note: “Sorry, Vladimir Semyonovich, we did not know whose things were. Unfortunately, we have already sold the jeans, but we are returning the jacket and documents intact. "

I found a photo on the Internet

Caring son

I went to the bath this morning. And the phone remained in the room and then I heard the 5-year-old son give the following speech:
- Hello, mom can't talk, she poops! Call later.
I run to see who he answered that way. Dealer for work. I call back immediately, and there is a non-stop neighing.

Erysipelas

First half of the 50s. We live in a communal apartment, a 14-meter room, where my father, mother, grandmother and me. Guests are arriving; aunt (father's older sister) with her husband, uncle Arseny. Well, of course, a feast to the best of its ability, vodka, cognac, a snack of songs, everything is as it should be. Yes, I'm a schoolboy (grade 2-3). We sat and sang, it's time to go to Lyulya.
The women gathered the dishes and went to the kitchen to wash them, the father, already very pretty, fell into his bunk, and Uncle Arseny lay down on the sofa with his head against the door. I must say that he had a gorgeous bald head, that is, an ideal oval, framed by rather thick hair around the entire perimeter. Why the hell pulled me, but I, taking my paints, spitting on them, with a brush painted a face on Uncle Arseny's bald head (like eyes, nose, mouth). With washed dishes, a grandmother enters the room and, the plates crash against the floor, the grandmother makes the sign of the cross, and says:
- Lord, now we finished drinking, lying on his back, and looking at me. Holy, holy
Granny, of course, was put in order, and I got mine too ... Out.

Like "Shura"

My little sister solved the problem with uneven teeth radically. Namely, instead of putting on braces and walking in them until the next coming, until the teeth straighten, she started to put crowns. To do this, they first removed the nerves on 11 (!!!) teeth, and then they were grinded with a grinder for metal-ceramics. While the casts were taken, while the crowns themselves are being made, you have to go through a week with what you have. And there is a row of shark-like teeth - triangular and sharp.
But this is not so bad. The main thing is that diction changes from habit to unrecognizability and most of all now resembles the singer Shura in his best years. Remember? “Do good for the lice…!”.
Actually joke. Comes to the gas station, get hold of a gasoline. Comes to the window, then the dialogue:
- Liters cheap, please!
- How many?
- Desht liters.
- How many? Two hundred?!
- Not. Despicable!
- Two hundred??
- B %%% b! Spot!

Remember me?

Over the weekend, angry weather forecasters promised a blizzard, and people rushed to the shops for the essentials. The line to the checkout resembles a "snake" from an old telephone toy. That and look its tail will eat.
- I took canned food, candles, bread, milk ... - the guy reports loudly to his wife on the phone. - What else to take? ... (happily) Condoms? (disappointed) Three? (very happy) packing ?!
The guy breaks into a smile, turns to the standing behind the granny:
- I'll be right there. Remember me?
Granny:
- The whole line remembered you, sonny.

Why Serezha is not taken on a fishing trip?

Seryozha, an outrageously healthy bighead, accused his beautiful and clever wife, Lenochka, of blame and went to his mother. Meanwhile, a company of 5 people in 2 cars drove past Serezha's house on a fishing trip. Seeing Seryozha, they offered to go with them (everyone is familiar from childhood). Seryozha decided to go in his car.
Having arrived at the place, a company of 5 + 1 (Seryozha) drunk themselves into death, bathed and passed out. At night, Seryozha woke up in his brain, clouded with alcohol, the thought flashed “Lenka there alone needs to be checked, but not with her lover?”. Not finding the keys and clothes in the dark, Seryozha went home in shorts and on foot.
By the morning 20 km. were behind and Seryozha came home (the microdistrict stands on the very outskirts of the city). Lenka opened the door and went to sleep further. Suffering from a hangover, Seryozha got dressed and went to drink beer and buy cigarettes.
Meanwhile, the fishermen woke up. Seryozha was not among them. There was a car, clothes, shoes, but Seryozha was not there. The last thing everyone remembered was swimming. Friends decided to "drowned" and began to look for Seryozha's body.
Two were sent to tell the terrible news to his own wife, Lenochka. When the black messengers arrived at the scene, Helen had already got up and was going to the store. Entering the apartment, Sasha did not beat around the bush, but directly told Lenochka that Seryozha had died tragically. Lenochka, who saw her beloved 2 hours ago, decided that he had just been hit by a car and fainted.
- Why are you standing, running after the ambulance, - Sasha shouted to Yure and dragged Lenochka onto the sofa.
An ambulance in the same building on the ground floor is easier to run than to call. Yura ran up the stairs, as the elevator was busy. It was Seryozha who was driving home.
Meanwhile, Sasha dragged Lena to the sofa, decided to give her artificial respiration (well, something needs to be done). He tore off her blouse and proceeded as best he could.
Meanwhile, Seryozha, well drunk, entered the apartment. The ambulance was useful to everyone. We don’t take Serezha for fishing anymore.

The lifesaver

We have a teacher at the Faculty of Journalism, an old one. Once she was taking an exam, and she herself, apparently, did not feel well, she bowed her head, propped her hand up, her tired gaze was directed under the table. A guy gives it to her, gives it up well. She listens and, without saying a word or even glancing at him, gives him an A. Dude goes out into the corridor happy, shares his impressions with all. A friend approaches him:
- I'm not ready at all! Well, help me out, friend, hand over for me. She still didn't remember you.
Well, okay, after a couple of people this guy comes in again with someone else's book, answers the ticket, gets five again. A couple more people come in again - to help out another friend. The teacher listens without interrupting. The guy hands her the book. She takes it, twirls it in her hands and returns it to him with the words:
- Eh, young man, you should at least change your shoes ...

Seeing off

The story took place on December 30 in an area where houses of 4-5 floors are located and usually organize small and cozy courtyards with their structures.
And so my colleague went to visit his sister, and a young man walked in front of him, leading a boy by the hand of 4-5 years old. All this company enters into a small and cozy courtyard with soft snowdrifts and observes a very unusual picture - two Santa Claus, throwing aside their staffs, are fighting on their fists. Our company stops at a loss and looks at this unusual picture. For a boy who continues to believe in Santa Claus and expects a miracle, the fairy tale just collapses in his eyes, tears are about to come and he asks in horror: “Dad, what is this? "
Dad, not bewildered, says: "Do not worry, son, this is the Old New Year sees off!"

With a small one in the store

We went with our little sister to the store. I asked for a smoked chicken. The saleswoman climbed to get it, and then I see that my sister leaned against the window and told her: “Don't lick!”. The saleswoman turns fearfully and says: “I don’t lick!”. They lifted the spirits of the whole queue.

19 cm

Measured a small leg, asks how much? Gru is 19 cm. He ran happy: “Hurray! I have 19 centimeters !!! ”. Dad choked in the kitchen ...