My son hates me. Mom's anger or is it possible to hate your child? I told my son that I hate him
Sometimes we get so angry with our children that we are almost ready to kill them! In the imagination, images rush through, for which then one becomes painfully ashamed. Is it normal to be very angry with your own child, and can outbursts of maternal anger negatively affect the development of the baby?
« When my son is acting up non-stop and does not calm down neither in his arms, nor at the breast, nor with the pacifier, I am overcome with rage and despair. One becomes terribly sorry for oneself, and such a wave of anger rises against the child! I want to throw him away, scream, hit him! It's times like these that I hate myself».
Natalia, 29 years old, economist
« When my daughter was 3 months old, she could cry all night long. I rocked her to exhaustion, sang songs, rocked her to sleep. Once I was so tired that I put her in the crib and started yelling at her - that she completely exhausted me, that I no longer have the strength, that I dream of being alone and, finally, getting some sleep. Then she slammed the door and went to the balcony to smoke. And there she burst into tears and sobbed, it seems, for an eternity».
Svetlana, 25 years old, artist
« My child at a year and a half could wake up in the afternoon, pull off his diaper and smear poop on the wall, on the bed, on himself. When I discovered this picture, I put it in the bath, washed it, and then went to wash the walls, the bed and wash the diapers. This went on with short breaks for about a month. At some point, I put my son in front of me and began to explain to him that it was impossible to do this. Very quickly she turned to screaming and began to spank him. My hands were shaking, my voice was trembling. At that moment, I hated my own son with all my being. And he looked at me with round eyes and endured, and then burst into tears very bitterly. This story still hurts me - when I remember it, tears begin to flow from my eyes..
Irina, 32 years old, teacher primary school.
All these stories, by and large, tell about the same thing - despair, anger, powerlessness and a huge sense of guilt in mothers who allowed their anger to show. The mechanics of feelings in this situation is as follows: the child suffers (does not make contact, cannot explain what is happening to him) → mother tries to help him again and again → her attempts do not bring results → the mother accumulates huge emotional stress → stress becomes unbearable and occurs angry discharge. But then our beliefs turn on and real suffering begins!
- The first conviction is "You can't be angry."
We take it out of our own parental families. If in childhood we were forbidden to scream, get angry, fight, express our displeasure and irritation, a strict prohibition on the manifestation of aggression is fixed at the subconscious level. As soon as there is an outburst of forbidden anger, our inner parent immediately punishes us with huge unbearable guilt.
- The second conviction good mom never yell at her child."
The origins of this stereotype lie in the images good parent contained in books, manuals for parents, public opinion, movies and cartoons. Mom should be soft, kind, understanding, patient. All these touching songs and poems about mother and her tender hands, which are sung at matinees in kindergarten, only feed the stereotypical perception. But every mother is a living person! She can be angry, upset, tired, after all! Believe me: absolutely all mothers periodically experience bouts of anger towards their children!
- Belief #3 “Motherhood is the most important thing in a woman’s life!”
In a fit of rage, we bitterly regret that our child is behaving so horribly, and we envy girlfriends who do not wipe baby poop off the walls, as we do, but go to exhibitions and restaurants, flaunt in luxury dresses and can come home late at night. Catching ourselves on this envy, we immediately begin to gnaw at ourselves for wanting "freemen" and for a second regretting our motherhood.
All these beliefs are prejudices that make us feel guilty and feel bad about ourselves. They undermine our confidence in our own actions and steal the happiness of motherhood. And our guilt, repentance and remorse are very hard on children. Toddlers see and feel that being angry is bad, and that they caused their mother great pain with their act. It turns out that with the feeling of guilt that comes after an outburst of anger, we injure the child more than with screaming and rage.
What to do when anger, rage and anger are bursting like that?
Talk directly, frankly, and honestly with your child about your feelings. Even if he is very small, he will understand you. When you feel helpless and hurt your attempts to convince or calm him do not bring results, sit on the floor and start crying. Explain to the baby that you are crying because you can’t cope with him, and this is very painful for you. If you have had an outburst of anger, be sure to reconcile with your child after it. Tell how you felt, and try to speak for yourself and about yourself. Avoid blaming your child for your suffering! Suffering is yours and happens to you! The child is not to blame for the fact that you feel remorse and remorse! Use the I-message technique to talk to your child about your emotional state(see below)
And remember - if the family speaks directly and openly about feelings, the emotional sphere of the child will be much more prosperous, than in a family with fake smiles and hidden feelings from each other.
i-message
I-message is a non-categorical statement made “on my own behalf” and “about myself” without appeal to logic, authorities, to any general principles. It begins with the words: "I think...", "I feel...".
Right: I feel like a little defenseless girl when you don't listen to me. I want to scream and cry.
Wrong: You made me angry with your disobedience, you can’t behave like that!
A little about anger
According to the theory of Doctor of Sciences, American psychologist Carroll Izard, our emotional life consists of 9 basic (fundamental) emotions: interest, joy, surprise, grief, anger, disgust, contempt, fear, shame and guilt. The remaining experiences can be defined as the sum of basic emotions. Close to anger are such experiences as indignation, indignation, anger. Evolutionarily, we need anger in order to mobilize forces in a situation of danger to attack or defend ourselves. Anger helps to cope with fear, gain self-confidence, and defuse accumulated tension.
And I want to write about my son, who is 22 now. I am a mother who hates her son. I never had big problems with my son. He grew up quite an obedient child. I raised him alone, with the help of my mother and her husband, a wonderful person. I tried to give him the best. I always went with him to the south to rest, and my grandparents always took him with them on vacation. I always ordered suits for school to order from beautiful blue velvet. I worked like a wolf to give him everything the best - the best tutors in English and French.When he was 11 years old, we went to America, I married an American. All my friends and he also knew that I was not getting married for love, but in order to give the best to my son. In America, I also plowed even more, so that there would be funds for everything. In the 9th grade, he alone from the whole school went to Washington for a week, in the 10th grade he went on a boat trip on the lakes of Minnesota. A gift for graduation - school - is a 2 week trip to Israel. Naturally, this was without me, I could not afford to take a vacation for at least a week. When I bought clothes for him in expensive stores, the cashier told me that he was spoiled by you. I thought he deserved it. I am a very strong-willed mother, I always stood behind his back to push him in his studies so that he would succeed .. and be one of the best .. I did not have the means to pay for his studies, studying in America is very expensive. I did my best to get him a grant for education.
And so it happened, one rich university gave him a grant, almost 95% of free education. He went far away from me, we constantly talked, but I noticed he had a lie .. He began to lie to me. Started spending my credit cards without even asking me for permission. I said once, two .. three and I had to close these cards. I was angry, screaming .. but I accepted it. When I was already buying clothes for the university, they asked me in the store: "It's your child's birthday." no, I just want it to look nice. I have always been proud of him. Everyone told me what a good mother I am and what kind of children I have .. As my mother told me that my eldest son and I were "zaedinshchina". I also have a second son with an American, they are 12 years apart. My youngest is now 10 years old .. Everything seemed to be going fine .. BUT, 2 years ago I was diagnosed with grade 3 cancer .... And everything changed .... I entrusted all my savings to my eldest son, since we were good friends, and I completely trusted him. I didn't know how long I had to live... He also knew that he was the only claimant on my half million dollar life insurance in the event of my death. He had 2 years left to study when I was diagnosed.
It should be added that in the 2nd year during the spring break I sent him to rest in Italy for 10 days, already being sick - in the 3rd year I sent him to rest in Europe .. He traveled through 6 European countries .. I naturally struggled with cancer as soon as I could .. With all my might ... In general, all the doctors told me that I would not survive ... And I, like a fool, kept saying that I really want this .. Here in the first year of fighting with cancer, my son somehow supported me in this. When I told him that I wanted to survive, he told me. "how will it turn out, it will turn out, at the time when I told my youngest (9 years old) that I would try to survive, he told me:" No, I won’t try, but you will survive, "moreover, he had such an inner conviction in this. .. I was on chemotherapy for a year and a half, he saw all this and wiped the sweat off my forehead and stroked my arm .. the elder supported me on the phone, but without much optimism .. I was very weak, and my mind was "like in the fog" from my illness ... And everything changed last summer, when the eldest turned 22 years old, and he had one year of study left before receiving his diploma. He stopped calling me, I could not get through to him for 5 days, he simply did not take tubes... I continued my desperate struggle with cancer, changed 3 oncologists.. In the end, they agreed to send me for an operation, although the second oncologist did not even want to do this.
Relations with my son became colder and colder ... I tried to somehow get through to his mind ... it seems that he did not hear me .. Then I told him: "my friend, return my money that I gave him for savings .." and transferred 50% of the insurance to the name of my youngest son before the operation, and informed my eldest son ... At first he did not want to return, he just calmed down .. I asked him to do this again and said that I was not joking .. He returned, then only half, and he spent the second half ... and even refused to say how ... the operation came, a huge, 8-hour one .. they cut out all the organs from the small pelvis .... they put a colostomy bag and a urinal. .. on the second day after the operation, the surgeon came up to me and said: "this is a success!!!" ... I wanted to call my eldest son and tell him .. BUT, BUT he turned off the phone.... and I'm like a fool , I tried to get through to him all day ... In the end, my American husband wrote him an e-mail that they say call your mother ... He is in the race I called him back in an angry tone and told him that he was writing this to him ... And my husband answered him that it was not him, but "your mother" dictated this letter ... That's when he turned on the phone and I heard his voice. .. Even now, my tears are ready to run ... when I remember this time ... I was on intraspinal and intravenous morphine for almost 10 days ...
When I was discharged and I was lying at home with plastic .. He wanted to go to New York for spring break, with his girlfriend .. I told him that this was wrong .. And he needed to come home and be with me .. Support me a little a little.. He arrived for 5 days. and had to leave on Friday .. And on Thursday I had indigestion and poisoning ... About 3 weeks after the operation .. I began to terribly vomit some smelly greens ... every 30 minutes .. I still I couldn't get out of bed by myself.. I had to be pulled.. I was alone with my youngest son, and I asked my eldest to stay with me for another 3 days until Monday... And my mother asked him on the phone and I begged him ... my mother even offered him money for it as much as she would take .. BUT he told me: "I'm tired, I've spent 5 days with you, I want to rest" .. And he left .... After that there was still a lot meanness in my address.. I survived, cancer markers are at zero.. there are no signs of metastasis.. I am very happy to live.. But my son and I don’t communicate anymore, he graduated from the university, got a good job.. and he doesn’t want to know us .... And now I understand that I hate him .... no matter how terrible it sounds .. and I told him that I don’t love him anymore and don’t need his love .. and that he the name is no longer on my insurance... and wished him good luck in life.. And only 3 years ago he was mine best friend.... Like this ... What do you, good people say about this ... I'm just crying now .... how is it, I survived from cancer .., and all relations with my son are broken ...
Parents are trying their best to give the child everything, to raise a normal person out of him. And the result is not just no. The result is terrible: from a beautiful rosy-cheeked, big-eyed baby, a terrible monster grows up, ready to devour its own parents...
If you type a similar request in a search engine, then a huge number of sites fall out from which, literally, you can hear the groan of parental souls, exhausted and asking for help.
What's happening? How can you hate your own child?
Like this, for example: “I hate my son, I don’t just hate him, I hate him with all my heart. He is 14 years old, he studies poorly from the first grade; constantly misbehaves, snaps with teachers, disrupts lessons, sends everyone to three letters (teachers). He steals, not only at home, but also at school, he said that he would not study ... We are constantly asked to stay at home, because it is impossible to do homework. And it started back in kindergarten, at first he behaved badly, and at school it got much worse ... ”.
Or like this: “I raised my daughter. She left, got married, hates me. I tried to give all the best, in the end - "no one asked you." The son grew up, went into drugs. The same song - "no one asked you." He hates me, just like I hate him now."
Parents are trying their best to give the child everything, to raise a normal person out of him. And the result is not just no. The result is terrible: from a beautiful rosy-cheeked, big-eyed baby, a terrible monster grows up, ready to devour its own parents.
What do they feel when they do not see in the child the result of the labor invested, but, on the contrary, they understand that the efforts associated with growing and educating have gone nowhere, like water in dry sand.
“What did I do wrong?”, “What did this child lack?”, “Why am I such a punishment?”, “Why do all people have children like children, but I have such a misfortune?” - questions that torment parental heart.
“Accept the child as he is, without trying to correct him to your ideal ...”
Something like this is the advice of psychologists. They argue that all the problems are that parents cannot accept the otherness of their own child, because they themselves experienced similar experiences in childhood, they themselves were not accepted as they are. Psychologists recommend that parents remember their childhood, those situations when their own parents did not accept them and tried to remake them, and, finally, internally allow themselves not to meet anyone's ideals and expectations. This will allow you to accept the child as he is. And this acceptance in a mystical way should solve all problems.
Will it decide? Let's say I accept that my child steals, is rude, lies, plays on the computer all day long, or disappears somewhere at night. I accept that I am responsible for this. What's next?! Who will tell me what to do?!
Unfortunately, such advice after the child is 6 years old no longer works.
It's hard to accept. We must understand!
You can't accept what you don't understand. Is it possible, for example, to accept that your child steals from classmates? What is he missing? The house is almost a full bowl!
You don't have to accept. You need to understand what lies at the basis of his unacceptable behavior. What drives and controls it. Only Yury Burlan's System-Vector Psychology can correctly answer this question. According to the SVP, each person is born with a predetermined set of properties and desires (they are called vectors), which require their development and implementation. The vectors of the parents do not always coincide with the vectors of the children. And what seems normal to a mother, or even good and pleasant, may not be so at all for a child.
Parents want to grow a better copy of themselves out of a child. But it often happens that a person with completely different properties is born in a family. Well-meaning parents try to give their children the best, to make them happy. But they proceed from their understanding of good and bad, right and wrong, happiness and unhappiness. But it is so arranged that the psyche of one person (read "desires and opportunities") may differ from the psyche of another, just as the properties of a fish differ from the properties of a bird.
If a fish is deprived of water and taught to fly, what will it do? That's right, he will begin to resist and look for any opportunity to slip into the water. What will a bird feel if it cannot teach a fish to fly? What about the fish that doesn't want to fly, but isn't allowed to swim? It is true that they will feel powerless and hate each other. It is these feelings that parents have when they cannot understand the reasons for the behavior of their children.
“Why are you like this?!”
How it works is best explained with examples. The fact is that, according to Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology, every child is born with some specific task in society, and from birth he is provided with desires and properties for solving this task.
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The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»He is 7. First grade. A son from a failed marriage, but very desirable and beloved. Favorite first three years. Then love slowly but surely began to leave. The first time after my husband left the family, and then my son was 4, I still somehow loved him. And now I hate it. Enrages and irritates. He desires many things in spite. For example, he goes for a walk after school while I'm at work. Loses things. Telephone. You tell him no, you can’t, he’ll still lie and do it his own way. And yes, he lies all the time. All the time. With or without. I hate myself for these feelings; in general, I can no longer tolerate children in principle. I have been with a man for a year. He loves me, but he does not like my son for his behavior. For a son, this man is not an authority, although he himself began to call him dad. I can not find the strength and desire to spend more time with the child. I understand that all these tricks of his are only for the sake of attracting his beloved mother, who does not need him. But I can't play with him. Infuriates. Fiercely. He does everything wrong, sometimes grimaces, in public he is generally uncontrollable. At school constant remarks on behavior. She doesn’t want to do her homework, but it’s understandable, the “loving” mother is always yelling because she has no brains and her hands are not out of her shoulders. I want to scream. I want to hide in a corner. Leave. Drop everything. But I understand that this is just an escape from problems that I cannot solve. I have all the tattoos on myself. All life. I didn't have parents after 5 years. Father left, mother died. Raised by my grandmother. I raised my son the same way I do now. I didn't like it, but I listened to her. As a teenager, I just started to leave home, I had such a reaction to my grandmother's screams. Maybe it's "hello" from my childhood. But how can I force myself to love him? Here he is sleeping, I will come and cover his back, small and so lonely. It's a pity. I sit and cry sometimes. I feel sorry for him. It is a pity that he was unlucky with his mother, unlucky with his family. In essence, it doesn't exist. There is only the ever-screaming mother.
Psychologists Answers
Dear Lyudmila!
I feel very sorry for you and your son. Undoubtedly, our childhood plays a huge role in our adulthood but as we grow up and face challenges, it is our responsibility to overcome the limitations of childhood. You learned from your grandmother how to react to a child's disobedience (aggression), you cannot do otherwise. If a person has a lot of aggression, there is no place for love. I think you should work with a psychologist, deal with your feelings, needs, goals, actions, learn to analyze which of your actions correspond to your goals and which contradict them, learn to express your feelings in an appropriate way (without harming yourself, other people, material values). When your son pisses you off, the best thing to do is get out of the territory of anger: go to another room, toilet, bathroom and beat a pillow, for example, or go outside and run around the house. That is, it is important to learn how to express your anger physically or verbally (shouting in a forest belt or under a bridge, where there is a lot of traffic, and you will not be able to scare anyone). It is important not to react to the antics of a child who attracts your negative attention, because there is no positive one. It is normal for a child to lose something, not to obey, to walk, you should not be hysterical about this (just do not buy expensive things, cheap ones can be easily replaced). I suggest that you stop evaluating the child, and learn to notice the good in him (perhaps he is beautiful, active, sociable, an inventor), tell him what you like, but keep silent about what you don’t like. If you work with a psychologist, dealing with your feelings, you can talk about it with your son, provoking him to talk, it is very important to establish emotional communication. If you do not start doing this now, you will lose the child's trust, he may go into a bad company, where he will be accepted as he is, he may go into alcoholism, drug addiction, etc. If you need my help and support, please contact me, I advise on Skype.
Child age: 12
I'm starting to hate my son
I am 37 years old, my son is 12. I always taught my son to be accurate and honest. And now it's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm starting to hate my son. I'm afraid of this thought, because I love him very much! He doesn't like brushing his teeth. I explained to him why it was necessary and how to do it, and drew, but to no avail. Until one day his classmate made a remark to him (and I warned that one day those who communicate with him would turn away from him) about the unpleasant smell from mouth. Then he started brushing his teeth. He does not like to comb his hair, he walks shaggy, he warned that there would be comments at school (his hair is almost to his shoulders) - he periodically receives comments, but there are no results. We recently got into a fight over socks. He has a whole bunch of them, she said: he came from school - socks immediately in the wash, tomorrow put on new, clean ones. But no, he puts on old stinky socks, when I began to scold him for it, he says - well, they don’t stink very much ... And he often lies. I always set myself as an example to him, that I never lie to him. Explained that if you've done something, it's better to tell the truth. Yes, sometimes I quarrel, but it's better than lying. When I find out that he lied to me, I scold him and punish him. Per Lately from his endless lies - I completely stopped believing him, he lost my trust. Maybe even "shed" a tear for persuasiveness, but I know that I'm lying, I have facts proving that everything is not true. And when he sees that neither tears nor oaths help him, he speaks the truth. And the lies are not worth what he hid. All this infuriates me, infuriates his untidiness to himself, infuriates his unjustified constant lies! Help, I feel that I'm starting to hate him, he's starting to annoy me with literally everything. I love my child, but I don't know how to deal with him. I even talked heart to heart with him many times, we decided that we would start all over again, forgetting all the quarrels, but ... a few days pass and everything old begins again. I do not know what to do. Help
Antonina
Antonina, as far as I understand, there are two things that worry you a lot, this is your son's untidiness and his lies. By themselves, these problems are easily solved, however, your strong feelings and feelings about this will prevent you from reaching an agreement with the boy in these matters. I believe that hatred for the child is growing inside you due to the fact that you cannot influence the boy and raise him the way you would like. Feeling parental helplessness often leads to negative feelings about the child
The first thing you need to figure out is why untidiness and lies are so unbearable for you. Perhaps it has something to do with your childhood or your history.
The next step is to accept that your son will not be the way you want him to be. Simply because he is an individual. Now, when he firmly knows all your hygiene rules, he is at the stage of forming his own position on this issue. At the same time, the more you scold him, that is, you impose your position (it is certainly correct, but it is yours), the more difficult it is for the boy to form his opinion and attitude towards hygiene issues.
Regarding lies, I must tell you the following: from about 5-7 years old, the child begins to understand that his mother does not know about what is happening in his inner world. This is a very important discovery that gives us a sense of security. We know that our secret desires, temptations, bad or good thoughts are available only to us. Any lie is a way to protect yourself. If your child is lying to you, then he is trying to protect himself from your censure. I suggest that you pay attention to those situations when the boy is hiding something from you, and think about why it is difficult for him to trust you in these matters. In many situations, a change in the behavior of the parent leads to the fact that the child does not have the need to deceive. At the same time, it is important to remember that your son is old enough and has the right to his secrets and his personal life, in which he will no longer allow you. There is nothing wrong with this, this is one of the stages of separation from the parent and the formation of a sense of independence.
Smirnova Anna, psychologist
Anna Zubkova, specialist