"As for the husband's name and the consequences of the choice. I check everything with the Bible and only trust her completely. There is nothing there.

said about it. Another thing is important - following God's advice for both husband and wife. "

It would seem that you cannot argue with the arguments where people refer to the Bible, but after genealogy became my hobby, I study the history of a kind, then I had other thoughts about it:

1. And if the Bible said "a wife should take her husband's surname," women would they take her? or would you be looking for new opportunities not to take? :)

2. It is hardly possible to find in the Bible words that a wife should take her husband's surname, simply because the surname arose only in the 19th century, and the Bible is more 20 centuries ago, In my opinion, words in the Bible that the wifewith her husband one flesh, one whole means that they have the same surname. It was not for nothing that it was customary to take the name of her husband. The fact that now this does not exist, or the husband takes his wife's surname, is already an innovation. Our ancestors were wiser, I trust them more. Instead of a surname, they used to call the name of the man to whom the children and wife belong, i.e. said this was Philip's wife, but about Philip they said that Philip was the son of such and such, hardly anyone said that it was his wife Maria, daughter of Paul. Studying the history of my family, reaching the 6th knee, I can say that women are perceived with the husband as a single whole, their maiden names are difficult to look for.

3. When the family of Ivanovs and the family of Ivan Ivanov and Marfa Sidorova speak, the difference is felt. Personally, I feel. To wear one surname, in my opinion, to recognize oneself as a single whole and people have a different attitude towards these people. Having worked as a tourism agent in the past, I can say that in the East they attach great importance to this. For example, a woman who has not taken her husband's surname may be refused entry to the Emirates.

4. Regarding the fact that the main thing is to follow the advice for husband and wife, I agree. But the law of life is that it manifests itself internally in the external. When a wife accepts her husband, she rebuilds outwardly, behaves differently. It's like a person says that there is harmony in the soul, but at the same time it does not look harmonious. Or a person says that in his heart he loves and adores himself, but outwardly does not look after himself at all, saying that it is not important. The inside is just as important as the outside. And if the wife accepts her husband, she will want to take his last name.

5. When you say that changing your surname is hard, you don’t want to change your documents, then I think this breaks the life balance of taking and giving. A man did a feat - took him as a wife, this is a feat for many men, but why then does a woman not do a feat for him, change her surname, even if it is difficult?

6. Saying to have one surname for two it doesn't matter, then let's live in a civil marriage. Why is there a difference in putting a stamp in the passport, but not changing the surname in the passport? I am still sure that with one surname a man behaves differently, feels a woman differently and treat her differently, and a woman behaves differently.

You can talk a lot about this, here it is better to check how your husband will change and you with the same surname)) I invite you to tell in the comments just such cases, do not discuss or do not need to change, but show by your own example what came of it! It is also interesting to read how you feel when you meet with a family with different surnames?

According to a long tradition, a woman is expected to take her husband's surname at the time of marriage. Let's analyze the cons.

Remnant of Patriarchy

Fortunately, the 21st century is no longer so strict when it comes to weddings. Now a woman may not take her husband's surname, but only a minority of brides do so (but in less developed regions, for example, in villages, a bride can be considered disgraced if she does not take her husband's surname). According to many sociologists, this is an old and sexist tradition - in this way, a man becomes a “leader” in the family in advance, when roles should be equally divided for a healthy relationship. By the way, many women now, for example, upon divorce, or with mutual consent with their husbands, give their children their maiden name.

Loss of connection with roots

In every family, if you do a good search - and maybe even turn to the archives - you can find a huge family tree. When a girl takes her fiancé's surname, she ceases to be documented as part of her family tree(for descendants it will even be more difficult to find information if something happens), since it already belongs to a different surname. In addition, if there are no more children in the family in which the girl was born, then this family is formally terminated - therefore, by the way, brides in such families leave their last name more often than those who have many brothers and sisters. On top of that, now there is even a certain fashion for maintaining a “connection” with their ancestors; people specifically turn to various organizations to find out more about their past. Now it is very difficult - and, if you think logically, the process is unlikely to be greatly simplified, so making it difficult for your descendants is not a big deal.

Problems with documents

First of all, of course, a completely simple and already common thing comes to mind - a divorce. You won't wish her family to fall apart, but, unfortunately, if you also have your husband's surname, you will have to change your documents, which is a rather long process - after all, you are unlikely to want to bear the surname of a person with whom you did not work out a life. Problems may also arise when, for example, claiming an inheritance - you will have to prove your identity, bring a lot of documents at once to prove that you are you.

Maiden name. However, not all husbands are ready to accept this state of affairs. What to do if you don’t want to take your husband’s surname, why this formality is so important for most men, and how to explain your position to your future spouse so as not to offend him?

To say that there is nothing difficult in this situation can only be those who have never been in it. Of course, if your maiden name causes a fit of laughter in those around you, and your future spouse has it beautiful and majestic, then you will be the first to jump to the registry office, holding a pen at the ready. But what to do for those who are unlucky with the surname of the chosen one, or those who have already made a brand out of their surname that they do not want to give up? “As an option - a double surname, or a change of surname in the documents, but preserving the pre-existing brand. There are many options. However, you should still understand that it is extremely important for a man that his wife bears his surname, ”- the psychologist comments.

Why is it so important to them?

We consider men to be selfish when they foaming at the mouth prove to us that “husband and wife are one Satan,” that different and double is wrong, and there can be only one last name - his. "Who will understand me?" - we think offendedly and seek support from mom and girlfriends. However, it is worth digging a little deeper, as an explanation of such a jealous attitude of men to their own surname and the woman's unwillingness to take it immediately surfaced.

“For any man, this is very significant, as it speaks of the transition of a woman from her clan to kind of husband, - explains Tatiana Gavrilyak. - Refusal to take the surname of the future spouse is assessed as follows: "You do not perceive me as a desirable man for procreation." When a woman agrees to become a wife, she symbolically recognizes the chosen one as the head of the family, the best "male" and joins his family. Therefore, a woman's refusal to take her husband's surname is a signal that she is not entirely sure of her choice. "

Such an attitude of the representatives of the stronger sex to their surname appeared a very long time ago. For them, this is a recognition of the purebredness of the clan, and they themselves are its heirs and successors. When a woman says that she does not want to share his surname with her future husband, she seems to be giving up everything that is so important for a man: from the history of his family, from being one with him. V modern world it seems only a relic of the past and nothing more than an ossified stereotype that it is time to break. However, this opinion is formed only among women. Men, however, for the most part, albeit not explicitly, but want their lovers to become bearers of their surnames on the day of the wedding. “Men cannot be considered selfish just because they insist on changing their surnames. This is inherent in masculine nature. And this approach rather suggests that your man is a normal representative of the stronger sex, ”adds the psychologist.

Pupkins and Morkovkins

Women often motivate their refusal to take their husband's surname by the fact that he has it, to put it mildly, amusing. Of course, all my life being Vorontsova or Krasivskaya, I do not want to become Pupkina or Morkovkina overnight (may the bearers of these names forgive us). But the psychologist assures that the dog is not buried in the amusement of the surname, but in the way the woman treats her chosen one: “There are both funny and unusual surnames, I do not argue. But if you love this man, then you accept him as a whole, along with his surname. And the refusal to take it is disrespectful to the beloved. "

It turns out that no matter what the last name of the chosen one is, and no matter how much you want to stay with your beautiful and familiar, you will have to cope with feelings and doubts and agree to changes? Not necessary. You, of course, can try to talk to your future spouse and explain your throws to him as tactfully as possible. The likelihood that the husband will understand is extremely small, but still exists. We all have different husbands. Just before talking with your beloved, think about this: ashamed of his surname, ashamed to become its bearer, are you ashamed of your man at the same time? If so, then it is worthwhile to understand the feasibility of getting married, perhaps you really were in a hurry with the decision. And if the very thought of doubting your loved one seems absurd to you, then work with your inner world. Most likely, you are extremely unsure of yourself, and the funny surname of your future husband is another reason to completely lose faith in your own strengths, beauty, luck, etc. that others will begin to laugh at her and make fun of her, lowering self-esteem.

You are an insect without a piece of paper

A long and tedious change of documents is another reason not to take the name of the future husband. At least, this is exactly what the fairer sex thinks, trying to find a legitimate excuse for their unwillingness to give up their maiden name. “This is such a hassle! Queues, signatures, seals, offices - you can go crazy, ”and they look pitifully at the groom, expecting that this particular argument will be decisive. Someone says: and indeed there are families in which the husband, once banging his fist on the table, said: “You will be with your last name! There is no need to spoil the nerves because of the replacement of the passport and other documents! " But such are still in the minority. Mostly for men, this is nothing more than a frivolous excuse. Psychologist Tatiana Gavrilyak, by the way, thinks the same way: “Tyagomotin with the documents is a matter of a couple of weeks, but the refusal to take her husband's surname has much deeper reasons. In addition, it is important to understand that a woman who refuses to take her husband's surname will be married formally, but internally will continue to consider herself half free, and the men around him read it perfectly. "

"Don't Forget Your Roots"

When faced with the choice of keeping our last name or adopting the husband's last name, many of us involuntarily feel guilty towards our parents. Indeed, some women consider it a kind of betrayal to refuse the names of their father and mother. But the psychologist assures that there is no question of anything other than the immaturity of a particular person: “From time immemorial a woman left her clan and entered into the clan of her husband. And today it is exactly the same. If she's an adult, of course. And this position suggests that a woman wants to remain a child. "

What to do?

If the conflict is already ripe, and you cannot come to any decision in any way, then calmly weigh the pros and cons and figure out this: what will both the one and the other outcome of the situation give you? Of course, having convinced the future spouse that you should remain with your last name, you will feel like a winner, but the husband will most likely harbor resentment, since the familiar family way of life, where a man is at the helm, and a woman is a reliable rear, will be broken. “For a man, this is very significant. He may not say, but on a subconscious level he will have an attitude that we seem to be together, but it seems that we are not. A woman, leaving her last name, as if she wants to remain separate from her husband, separate from marriage ”,- Tatiana Gavrilyak comments.

Another important point- future children. Bearing the father's surname, the child will feel that the mother does not seem to belong to their family: “We are with Ivanov's father, and Smirnov's mother. We are together, and mom is not with us. " This factor acts as a "separator" of the family. Eventually, you will begin to feel that the baby is more daddy than yours. “The father’s surname is belonging to his family. In general, the function of the father and his family is a very important psychological factor for the child. The child must have belonging to the father's family, but at the same time know his ancestors on both sides. It gives a sense of security, reliability and resilience. In the case when a woman does not take her husband's surname, she turns out to be outside the clan - she left her clan, but did not enter the husband's clan. If at the same time she gives the children her surname, they may also not receive support from the husband's clan, since both she and the children will not be included in this clan ",- explains the psychologist.

Of course, only you can decide what to do in such a situation, and situations are different. There are cases when men themselves gladly got rid of their dissonant surnames, agreeing to take their wife's surname. In contrast to such families, there are others, where the bride is looking forward to the moment when she can bear her husband's surname, explaining this by the fact that now they will finally become one. Probably, there really is something very significant in the common surname, uniting two people and creating a new unit of society.

After my second marriage, a wonderful surname remained in my memory. Unusual. Memorable. Liana Unru - sounded impressive and mysterious. For a novice politician and newspaperman - just a godsend.
And when 10 years later I went to the registry office again, I honestly told my husband about it. He fully understood what it would mean for a business woman to replace 34 bank cards. And also driving license, passports, diplomas ... And then, money was invested in my name. This is a well-promoted brand ... And I stayed Unruh.
But, studying psychology, participating in constellations, I discovered such an aspect for myself.
In our Slavic (and not only Slavic, by the way) cultural code, the wife's surname answers the question "Whose?"
If you are Ivanov, then whose wife? Ivanova. If Sidorov - Sidorova, Gritsatsuev - Gritsatsuyeva.
It is absorbed with mother's milk. It is practically unnamed, but quite obvious.
And it matters for those who are brought up in this cultural field. If you grew up in Ecuador, with an Ecuadorian mom and an Ecuadorian dad, or in a gypsy camp, then the picture is different. But for those who have absorbed the traditions of our country, this is absolutely fundamental. And, as a rule, unconsciously.
The circle of responsibility of the spouse for the wife is closed with the acceptance by her husband's surnames... Without taking a surname, a woman does not accept not only the letters in the passport, not only the family of her spouse, but also refuses his patronage.
If the husband is Sidorov, and the wife is Gritsatsuyev, then Gritsatsuev is responsible for her. He should take care of her.
Moreover, these are unconscious mechanisms. At the level of the mind, everyone agrees with everything. And at the level of the unconscious, completely different schemes rule. And to fight them is more expensive for yourself. And so much so that it is much easier change surname.
I decided that I would. But ... I was still the chief editor and politician! A surname is a capital in which a lot of money has been invested!
And I had to wait. But as soon as I won the next election, I took the documents for an exchange. The whirlwind with the exchange lasted more than a year... It was dreary, expensive and troublesome.
And once, at some kind of buffet table, two businessmen I knew came up to me:
“We're arguing about you here. Well, you are a smart woman. How so - after all, a brand costs money! Well these are such grandmothers! And you go to the trash heap? What are you doing?
“There is no place for a second husband in a third marriage,” I replied.
The first one already choked. And the second one said:
- Well, I washed it. There is nothing to cover!

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