Parents have to learn a lot in the process of raising a child. They learn how to properly feed the baby, what toys to buy for him, what books to read and, of course, how to communicate with him correctly. The purpose of any communication is the exchange of information. An adult tells the baby some information (about the world around him, rules of conduct, personal hygiene), and the baby learns them and is guided in his daily life.

Any behavior of a child is focused on the approval or reprimand of an adult. Most often, the emotional reaction of an adult is that litmus test that reveals the correctness or fallacy of a particular child's action. And if there are no problems with the approval of a child's act (action), then the condemnation of adults or a ban does not always lead to the results expected by adults. Most parents are familiar with situations when you tell your child that you can’t walk in puddles, and the baby, in response, even more willingly begins to slap his feet in the water. Or, in response to “you can’t touch the knife,” the child’s hand strives to grab this sharp device more comfortably.

How to refuse a child

How to build communication with a child so that every “no” is heard, understood and accepted by him, as a regulation for further action? There are several techniques that will allow you to achieve complete understanding between the adult and the child in this matter:

— Do not abuse the word "no". This means do not say it all the time, for any reason. "No" is an exceptional word. With constant pronunciation, it depreciates and loses its meaning. By frequent prohibitions, the child can be disoriented and not know how he should act in a particular situation. Or it may stop sticking to them properly. Therefore, the less “no” sounds, the more effective it is. And this means that we must try, if possible, to reduce the number of sources that are subject to a ban. Remove cutting objects, electrical appliances from the child's field of vision, insert plugs into sockets. Replace “no” with “may” more often. For example, you should not say “you can’t pull the dog’s ears”, it’s better to say “let’s pet the dog on the back, she will be very pleased.”

— If it says "no", then it is said once and for all. Forbid your child only what cannot be allowed to him. Otherwise, the meaning of the ban is lost. For example, if you tell your child not to eat in front of the TV. This means that this prohibition becomes a permanent rule, which must be strictly observed, and not today and maybe even tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow life will return to its previous track, and the child will calmly watch his favorite programs with a plate in his hand.

— explain its prohibition to the child in a language accessible to his understanding. Don't just say "no". Explain the reasons for your ban: “You can’t do this because it is related to his safety, health, etc. The child must realize the validity and importance of your arguments. The kid must learn that adults say “no” not because of a momentary whim, but taking care of his safety and well-being.

— pronounce“no” in a confident, neutral tone. His child will accept without unnecessary worries. If you forbid something angrily, the baby attributes such intonation to his own account. He thinks that you are unhappy with him, because he was guilty.
If you say "no" playfully, the seriousness of such a prohibition is not perceived by the child. He thinks you are joking. Accordingly, the child will not listen to him.

— always Praise your child for obedience. The baby needs approval for “correct” behavior. He must realize that by his obedience he pleases you pleasantly.

In prohibitions, the opinion of all family members should be the same. Otherwise, the child will quickly realize that if the mother does not allow, then the grandmother will always regret and allow. So, you have to go to your grandmother for what you want.

With the help of the system of prohibitions / permissions, you correct the course of development of the child's personality. Always be a friend and wise mentor for the little man, ready for a constructive dialogue. Interest the child in observing the rules established both in society and in your family. At the same time, always respect the child's right to his own position, to have his own interests and hobbies.

Many parents ask: "How is it right to refuse a child if he asks for something that cannot be bought at that moment, while reacting to the refusal with a loud cry and tears?"

First of all, let's talk about why, after all, you don't want to give the child what he asks for? Not a single person will cry and scream because he is well. If a child demands a toy or a sweet, it means that something is missing. And most often it is something - attention, affection, a sense of security and understanding. Parents are afraid to spoil the child, show him their weakness and instill a sense of permissiveness. And this is our deepest and most harmful delusion. When you fulfill a child's wish, he feels accepted, loved, protected. And this is the most important thing in education. Show the baby that he is accepted, unconditionally loved, that you trust him and understand him. The rest will follow. Realizing that he will always be helped and provided with everything he needs, the child will not demand anything and scream. A person who is mentally healthy, loving and loved does not feel the need to express his feelings with tantrums. Therefore, to the question of whether to buy a child all sorts of pleasant little things, if they are not harmful and you can afford it, we give an unequivocal answer: yes!

But there are also cases when we are forced to refuse a child for objective reasons. What should be done in order not to face tantrums and whims? Of course, the most effective measures will be preventive measures. However, we have advice in case the cries and whims in public place took you by surprise. Let's list both of them.

1. Show respect for the child. Always and everywhere remember that you are communicating with a person. And if you do not understand the feelings and reactions of the child, this does not mean that these feelings are wrong and unworthy of attention. Whatever happens, respect is a necessary element.
2. Say that you understand the feelings of the child, share them, that this cake seems very tempting to you too. Of course, if you are really able to understand his desire. Sincerity is very important.
3. Explain the reasons for your refusal, show that it is related to concern and concern for the child. Or because you don't have money. Or with the fact that you still have a whole day to wander around the city and ride the carousels, and this huge ball will definitely burst or get lost. Tell your child honestly and directly why you cannot satisfy his desire.
4. Work in advance to eliminate screaming as a means of influence. Never use yelling and raising your voice to address your questions. Remember that your child is copying you. Show by personal example another, more acceptable way to get your own - to negotiate. Show your child that he is more efficient and reinforce this in practice. If you don't educate necessary for the child skills, do not draw his attention to what should be correct behavior, the child will continue to respond in the way he can. Up to a year, crying and crying for a child were the only way report your condition.
5. Refuse rarely, but firmly. Always keep your word, otherwise give your child a reason not to believe your words and prohibitions, and therefore not obey them.
6. Setting boundaries and prohibitions should not be an end in itself, a show of strength. The motive should be really clear to the child.
7. Develop yourself and your child, expand your ways of communication, strengthen the bond between you. The cry: what a child has, what an adult has, speaks of helplessness, of fear. They don’t hear or understand me, I have no one to turn to - I will scream.
8. We have said more than once that raising a child is a creative process, an art. Distract the attention of the child, engage him in the game, agree to count all the people in blue pants or take him for a ride in a cart. Turn on your head, look for a beautiful, easy and fun way out, but be sure to be sensitive and respectful to the child, and he will answer you the same.

A variety of children's goods and toys in stores often results in big problems for parents. Many toddlers get into the habit of throwing tantrums if their mother or father doesn't agree to buy the item they like. So that there are fewer spontaneous purchases that empty the wallet and root the nascent egoism, you should carefully study this article.

1. Distracting maneuver

The ideal way to prevent the purchase of another, sometimes completely unnecessary toy, is to distract the child (to divert the attention of the baby to a toy or food that is cheaper or more useful in your opinion). Such actions are especially effective for reducing costs, because the baby does not know the price of things and can easily be distracted by less expensive goods.

In the case when the purchase is not provided at all, you can try to “talk” the child and remind him of the same or similar toy at home, agreeing to play with him upon returning from the store. Many children literally cling to chocolates, chips and other far from healthy “sweets”. A description of what delicious food awaits the child at home will help here: perhaps he is already hungry and agrees to calmly go home.

2. Promise to buy another day

If you can’t completely refuse your son or daughter, you can promise to buy a toy later. This will allow you to stop his demands at the very beginning, not to follow the lead, while preventing tears and disappointment. Most often it happens that the child quickly forgets about his own request, and then you can successfully save money in your wallet. Almost certainly the baby is already the next day and will not remember the thing that he did not need at all. Nevertheless, it is worth keeping promises: in this way, the authority of adults will be preserved, and disappointment, which is remembered for a long time, will not befall the child.

3. The ability to say "no"

Not every parent knows how to stand firm in his opinion when it comes to buying another trinket for a child. But one must be able to refuse, because in the future, indulging children in everything can result in serious troubles, for example, in off-scale egoism. A soft, non-specific refusal will only provoke the little sly one, he will quickly feel the weakness of his parents, who cannot resist his demands. Uncertainty is fertile ground for new requests, each time more and more insistent.

So that the child does not beg for a toy in the store until it is bought, such attempts must be stopped immediately and firmly. Shouting, of course, is not worth it, just like saying “no” in a tone riddled with guilt and fawning. It is better to look the child in the eye and calmly but clearly say “no”, making it clear that further bickering is pointless.

4. Explanations are still needed

As a rule, just saying “no” is not enough, and the excuses “no, because I said so” or “just no, that’s all” will not help the case.

It is worth saying that a simple refusal without the right to discuss will not be entirely honest in relation to the child. He may perceive it as inattention, an excuse, a lack of love for him, which will negatively affect relationships. You should not show your strength by belittling the baby and not giving any explanation. Children are also able to understand a lot, and a reasonable interpretation will be most welcome.

To tell why the purchase is impossible, you need to take into account the age of the child, because he simply does not understand the vague reasoning about the crisis in the country. If the desired toy is very expensive, you can talk about its price and compare the cost with the amount in your wallet. Also, the child must understand that buying such a toy may result in the inability to purchase more important things - food, clothes.

When a child wants to buy sweets, other treats that will harm him can be told about the negative consequences of such products. So, sweets can hurt your teeth, chips can hurt your stomach, etc. Thus, the baby will be able to understand the refusal without problems.

5. Yes and no "in one bottle"

How to rebuff the persistence of the child, but not quarrel with him and seem to agree? Technique can be used "yes, but...". For example, when asked to buy a toy, they say “OK, but you already have several such toys, but where to put the old ones, there will be no place for them”, etc. Sometimes you have to use far more than one argument, but then the child gets tired of arguing, and he retreats.

6. Zero reaction to tantrums

Sometimes it happens that none of the methods described helped, and the child threw a real tantrum right in the store. Usually this is his “control argument”, especially if he has already helped to get what he wants once. If you succumb to tears and persuasion once, then similar actions of the child will follow. The best solution in such a situation is to quickly take the baby out of the store (or even carry it away in your arms), and in private, strictly explain to him that such actions will never lead to buying a toy. It should also be made clear that the parents will not talk to the child until the crying stops.

To console, beg the child to stop the tantrum, there is no need to urgently run to the store for a toy! When children realize that they will not receive the desired item, the first reaction may be even more intense crying. But parental ignorance of the child's cry forces the capricious child to stop the tantrum. In the future, the baby will definitely remember that such behavior will not help to “knock out” the thing he needs from his parents, and will not cry.

7. Consistency in everything

It is a mistake to forbid today, and tomorrow to allow any actions and deeds. A reasonable ban on certain things must be in place at all times. Relaxing, you can give the child hope for the changeable mood of the parents and a chance to still get what they want.

It happens that the purchase depends on the actions of the child. If, by agreement with the parents, he corrected any situation, the decision can be changed - as a reasonable encouragement.

Example: a child asks to buy a puppy, but does not help around the house, and the parents are afraid that he will not take care of him. After the conversation and the clarifications received, the baby begins to behave more responsibly, begins to help around the house, becomes more independent, for which he receives a puppy. A well-deserved gift will serve as an excellent educational technique, which in the future will allow the baby to become more prudent and responsible.

8. One solution for all family members

The ban should not come from just one family member. If one of the relatives buys the baby something that the other refused, the educational effect will be completely absent. All such decisions should be discussed with other households, taking a unified position on this issue. When there are those who disagree, it is required to explain to them that such behavior will undermine the authority of the parent in the eyes of the child, and this is unacceptable.

9. Acceptance of rejection by a child

Despite the difficulties, you can not force the baby to agree with the refusal by the use of force, screams. But you will have to try in ways of persuasion, because acceptance of refusal is an important step in a child’s growing up. This will allow at an older age to independently assess how rational his desire is, whether it will harm the family and the budget, whether it is worth mentioning it.

Knowing how to say “no” is important, but you should not refuse all requests to the child. Adults also often make mistakes, so categorical judgments are not always correct. There is no need to make the baby cry once again, it is better to show love and respect for him, but not allowing him to be spoiled.

"Give! Buy! Want!" Every parent comes across these words. It is far from always possible and necessary to respond to the requests of the child with consent. By refusing, parents form in the child an idea of ​​\u200b\u200blimits, that not all of his desires will be immediately fulfilled.

Our today's consultant - a psychologist, psychotherapist, an employee of the Scientific Center - speaks about the importance of the correct refusal in raising a child. mental health RAMS Elena Perova.

By shaping a child's idea of ​​boundaries, that not all of his desires will be fulfilled, you are doing a very important thing. Children who are accustomed to getting everything they want immediately, or to get their way through manipulation, grow up to be infantile adults who will then face problems. However, it is important not to go too far, so think carefully about where the boundaries are for you, what you are ready to allow the child, and what you really consider unacceptable and wrong.

Elena Perova

But the children are not too happy with this arrangement. It happens that a real war unfolds between an adult, and this is bad for any outcome. How to refuse a child in order to minimize the likelihood of conflict?

1. Distract attention

The easiest way to avoid unnecessary purchases is to divert the child's attention. Remind your child of something pleasant, interesting.

- Mom, I want a car!

Yes, it's a great machine. It looks like your red one, with which you go for a walk. Let's come from the store and go with her to the playground!

Take it to the car, move around the corner - anywhere, just away from the audience. Let your child know that this behavior is unacceptable and you won't talk until he calms down. Otherwise, don't react. At first, the screams may intensify. But if you do not pay any attention to this, the baby will have to calm down. Going into hysterics, the child also does not experience any pleasant sensations, and if you do not indulge in such behavior, it will stop.

7. Be consistent

Consistency is one of the cornerstones of parenting. If today “chupa-chups is harmful”, and tomorrow “take it, you won’t be left behind”, then the child will not take any refusal seriously. And each time it will be more and more difficult to say “no”, because the baby knows that the ban can be lifted.

But "consistent" doesn't mean "inflexible." A parent, like any person, can change his mind if there are reasons for it.

For example, a child was not allowed to have a pet because of irresponsibility. Then he begins to do his homework himself, to fold toys, showing that he is not at all irresponsible. In this case, there is nothing wrong with lifting the ban.

8. Agree on refusals with all family members

Another very important principle. If dad refused to buy a toy or sweets, mom, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, and so on should support this refusal. The weak link is often the older generation: grandparents cannot resist the requests of their grandchildren. Children, on the other hand, learn very quickly to use adult disagreements to their advantage. As a result, the authority of parents suffers, and the child's idea of ​​boundaries is blurred, which is not at all useful for him.

9. Try to make the child agree with the refusal.

Voluntary refusal not only eliminates whims and begging, it forms the will and self-control, this will be very useful for the child in the future. If a child, then he himself is unlikely to give up anything. You should not expect a voluntary refusal from preschoolers either, it’s easier to distract them here. With an older child, you can talk about the cost, about your principles:

- I don't think it's right to buy something every time we go to the store.

- I do not consider it possible to buy such expensive toys without a reason.

Perhaps this conversation is better to postpone until later, when you have already left the window with an attractive item. Younger students are already able not only to accept the refusal of an adult, but also to agree with it.

When saying “no”, you should remember that wanting and achieving is not just normal for a child, it’s good. He will do this all his life. And he will do it exactly in the ways that he learned in childhood. Therefore, do not rush to say “no”, think, chat with a little person. And if you decide to refuse, then refuse correctly.

"Give! Buy! Want!" Every parent comes across these words. It is far from always possible and necessary to respond to the requests of the child with consent. By refusing, parents form in the child an idea of ​​\u200b\u200blimits, that not all of his desires will be immediately fulfilled.

Elena Perova, our current consultant, psychologist, psychotherapist, employee of the Scientific Center for Mental Health of the Russian Academy of Medical Sciences, speaks about the importance of the correct refusal in raising a child.

By shaping a child's idea of ​​boundaries, that not all of his desires will be fulfilled, you are doing a very important thing. Children who are accustomed to getting everything they want immediately, or to get their way through manipulation, grow up to be infantile adults who will then face problems. However, it is important not to go too far, so think carefully about where the boundaries are for you, what you are ready to allow the child, and what you really consider unacceptable and wrong.

Elena Perova

But the children are not too happy with this arrangement. It happens that a real war unfolds between an adult, and this is bad for any outcome. How to refuse a child in order to minimize the likelihood of conflict?

1. Distract attention

The easiest way to avoid unnecessary purchases is to divert the child's attention. Remind your child of something pleasant, interesting.

- Mom, I want a car!

Yes, it's a great machine. It looks like your red one, with which you go for a walk. Let's come from the store and go with her to the playground!

Take it to the car, move around the corner - anywhere, just away from the audience. Let your child know that this behavior is unacceptable and you won't talk until he calms down. Otherwise, don't react. At first, the screams may intensify. But if you do not pay any attention to this, the baby will have to calm down. Going into hysterics, the child also does not experience any pleasant sensations, and if you do not indulge in such behavior, it will stop.

7. Be consistent

Consistency is one of the cornerstones of parenting. If today “chupa-chups is harmful”, and tomorrow “take it, you won’t be left behind”, then the child will not take any refusal seriously. And each time it will be more and more difficult to say “no”, because the baby knows that the ban can be lifted.

But "consistent" doesn't mean "inflexible." A parent, like any person, can change his mind if there are reasons for it.

For example, a child was not allowed to have a pet because of irresponsibility. Then he begins to do his homework himself, to fold toys, showing that he is not at all irresponsible. In this case, there is nothing wrong with lifting the ban.

8. Agree on refusals with all family members

Another very important principle. If dad refused to buy a toy or sweets, mom, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, and so on should support this refusal. The weak link is often the older generation: grandparents cannot resist the requests of their grandchildren. Children, on the other hand, learn very quickly to use adult disagreements to their advantage. As a result, the authority of parents suffers, and the child's idea of ​​boundaries is blurred, which is not at all useful for him.

9. Try to make the child agree with the refusal.

Voluntary refusal not only eliminates whims and begging, it forms the will and self-control, this will be very useful for the child in the future. If a child, then he himself is unlikely to give up anything. You should not expect a voluntary refusal from preschoolers either, it’s easier to distract them here. With an older child, you can talk about the cost, about your principles:

- I don't think it's right to buy something every time we go to the store.

- I do not consider it possible to buy such expensive toys without a reason.

Perhaps this conversation is better to postpone until later, when you have already left the window with an attractive item. Younger students are already able not only to accept the refusal of an adult, but also to agree with it.

When saying “no”, you should remember that wanting and achieving is not just normal for a child, it’s good. He will do this all his life. And he will do it exactly in the ways that he learned in childhood. Therefore, do not rush to say “no”, think, chat with a little person. And if you decide to refuse, then refuse correctly.