hello ... I'm 16 years old ... and I have a family problem ... my mom doesn't give a damn about me ...

it didn’t start right away, everything was fine before .. my mom divorced my dad when I was 9 months old ... I didn’t see my father then for 4 years ... he appeared and disappeared throughout his life, but we’ll come back to him later ... my mother and grandparents raised me, while my mother was in Moscow at work, I was with my grandmother in the village ... my father and mother were always lacking, then at the age of 5 my mother took me to Moscow, I, like all the children, went to the kindergarten .. then to the first grade .. until the 5th grade everything was fine and then, according to my mother, I began to "transitional age" ... I tried as best I could to get through all my experiences, but my mother did not always turn out not like me helped in this situation, but if something happened she stood up for me ... and I had her support, I knew whatever happened I have a mother ... then my mother had my stepfather ... we immediately worked out a good relationship and we understood each other from half a word, he always supported me, he loved me like his own daughter ... we lived like a real family, which I always dreamed of ... and everything was fine ... then my mother and stepfather began to quarrel a lot. .. yes, and my mother met one young man ... of course I understood that my mother and my stepfather could no longer live ... and my stepfather moved out, but we still talked with him ... I, like all children, wanted my mother to be happy, I saw that she is good with him, she is happy, rejuvenated, there was a shine in her eyes ... but I was glad for a short time .. my mother began to disappear leaving me at home alone .. I was 13 years old and I was quite independent .. I could cook, wash cleaned. ..but the fact is that she just left for a few days ... didn’t pick up the phone, dropped me, she just killed me .. but I was silent .. because my mother was happy and I didn’t want to spoil anything for her .. there were rubbish when patience was already honest not enough .. just when she was really needed she was not there .. when the first love is all too emotional she did not hear me ..

but it was not only about my mother, but also her boyfriend ... he was 15 years younger than her ... at first he seemed like a cheerful normal guy ... I treated him well until the moment he began to mistreat my mother ... disappeared when he needed to go somewhere with friends, or just hang out ... he threw his mother ... and then when he walked back to her .. he rushed to her and rushes to this day .. he drowned in him ... stopped communicate with her friends, when they told her their thoughts about him, she didn’t swear at them .. he actually used it and still uses it ... when he needs to go somewhere, she takes him ... something needs to be bought buys ... I never asked for money from her in principle ... never begged ... bought clothes on a rare occasion ... never went to concerts in cafes and movies too ... but she always asked me from her only money is needed ... that I am not doing anything, and it has already begun to infuriate me specifically ... when I didn't have enough patience, I said my opinion about her life Know that her boyfriend uses her .. that he does not respect her .. and I’m not pleased that he treats her like that .. then she hit me and poured all sorts of nasty things .. first put pressure on the sick .. on my father ... dad at least he was not present in my life, I always loved him ... at the age of 14 I realized that he didn’t need me and he completely gave a shit whether I’m alive or not .. but I loved .. maybe because I look so much like him .. .such quarrels became constant both about money and about her boyfriend ... I already closed my eyes to her relationship ... let him live as he wants ... but the quarrels continued .. most often they were when he ruined her mood or they she came home again and took off her anger on me ... and constantly pressed on the fact that I suck her money ... I got tired of it and I went to work ... from morning till night I worked and like all people got tired ... I just came home and fell from fatigue ... and when it was the weekend I just wanted to sleep off ... my mother demanded that I clean up .. I did the cleaning if possible, but when she was gone she honey agarics I rolled up scandals ... I explained to her that I was working and I was also tired and sometimes I just wanted to relax ... she replied that it’s good for my work if I don’t bring money to the house ... now we have a house cutting ... she constantly became to say that I interfere with her life normally, that I work only for myself ... but the fact that I have no free time or personal life did not bother her at all ... and her boyfriend constantly insists that I do not respect her, nothing I don’t do that I’m a mediocrity .. that my father did the right thing, that he refused me, and honestly there is no longer the strength to live like that. I just don't want to come home ... I tried to talk to her about this more than once, so she again does not hear me, I try to explain to her that I’m only 16 years old and I need a mother, that I need life .. she doesn’t listen to me wants ... on this moment we don't talk to her .. I wash and clean only for myself, buy food with my own money for myself, dress myself and save money for the move ..

The most obedient children from time to time make sure to check whether it is possible to disobey their parents? The main type of test is to test the parents' resistance to a child's attack, when the child suddenly stops obeying and actively insists on his desires. A child throws a challenge to his parents! If you show the child weakness here, the child understands that the parents can be outplayed. And he begins to use it.

J. Dobson writes: “I once had to talk to the mother of a very naughty thirteen-year-old boy who was disdainful of the slightest hint of parental authority. this problem did not arise today, I asked the woman to tell how it all began. She remembered it quite clearly. Her son was not yet three years old when one day, while putting him to bed, she received a spit in the face.

She explained to him how important it was not to spit in Mom's face, but her speech was interrupted by another spit. This woman was convinced that all disagreements should be resolved through discussions, in a spirit of love and mutual understanding. So she wiped her face and began her speech again - and again received a well-targeted saliva charge. With growing confusion, she shook her son, but not enough to ward off another spit.

What could she do? Her philosophy did not offer her an adequate response to this overwhelming challenge. Finally, she ran out of the room in despair, and the spit of the little victor, launched in pursuit, hit the slammed door. The mother lost the fight, and the son won. The woman with pain and irritation confessed to me that since then she has never been able to defeat her son! "

Every child once decides to test the strength of their parents.
If the parents lose this battle, the child will fight them all his life.

None of the parents wants to engage in heavy fights with their own children, but, in fact, heavy fights only happen with those parents who have already "started" the situation, who before this missed small calls from the child. The first tests of the child are only tests, the child throws challenges to his parents still hesitantly, and here it is not difficult for parents to show firmness. Do it!

Danila is 1 year old, usually she listens to her parents easily. This time he climbed onto the sofa, stretched out his hand to the painting hanging on the wall, and looked at his mother. "Danila, come to me!" - does not go. I swung the painting and looks at my mother - what will be the reaction? “Danila, you can't touch the painting. Come here, otherwise I will punish ”- Continuing to look at my mother, I strongly shook the picture again: what will happen? Mom calmly put Danila in a corner, he sobbed demonstratively for five minutes. Then he calmed down, his mother called him, explained again that the painting should not be touched. Although the point is not that Danila did not know this: this time he checked what would happen if his mother did not obey?

If the parents won the first fight with the child, after that they will have a good relationship for many years.

On the other hand, sometimes anxious parents see the call of the child where he is not at all. When a child throws in your face “Mom, I hate you!”, It may not mean anything, and immediately “shoot” the child (How dare you! So I don’t hear that again! ”) Is early here. you and does not know how to express your feelings in a civilized way: here you need not be angry with the child, but calmly teach how such problems are solved.

"I see that you are angry with me. It's not scary, you can stomp your feet if you want, so angry feelings go out faster. But you know the order: first you put your toys away, we watch TV only after that. Can you help you?"

In a fight with children, those parents who, it seems, are completely children and are used to playing helplessness, lose.

"My daughter, she is four years old, turns on the TV herself after I turned it off. Whatever I say, she cries loudly at this time and shows by her appearance that she does not hear anything!" - dear mother, if you cannot cope with the child, at least cope with the TV: you are quite capable of pulling out the power cord (or other part) from it and carrying it away. And you don't need to say anything: you will start a conversation only after your daughter calms down and stops crying. This is the alphabet that any child from two or three years of age knows (should already know): "While you are crying, I do not understand you. If you want to ask me for something, you need to stop crying and tell me everything calmly, so I can understand you. "

Sometime you can and hard slap. Once. To spank hard once at the age of three or four and after that fifteen years calmly be friends with smart kids- is better than pampering a child in childhood and arguing with him for all subsequent years. Parental authority is strengthened when, in a situation where a child is testing parental stability, parents show reasonable firmness. If the parents are worthy, then there is no need to quarrel with the parents, there is no need to rebel against them. You can negotiate on good terms with your parents, but you can't demand from your parents what you want. Teach this to your children!

Parents often underestimate the impression they make on their children when they talk to them in an "adult" way. Try it! At least for my five-year-old daughter, crying "If you are like that, I'll leave you!" you can calmly explain: “I understand you, but you will not succeed. The fact is that we are your parents, and we have a civic duty to take care of you. Will they explain to you how your daughter should behave? " This kind of thinking is much more effective than screaming and crying.

But what if the time has already been lost, and a somewhat impudent teenager is already growing next to us? Moms usually give up in such cases, dads solve such issues easier, but they are also often afraid to remind the child about the rights of parents and the responsibilities of children. Fear not, this is useful and necessary. Alternatively, introduce him to the legal side of the case, write him such a letter ...

Dear child!

The relationship between parents and children is regulated by the family code of the Russian Federation. In accordance with article 63 "The rights and obligations of parents in the upbringing and education of children" -

one). Parents have the right and responsibility to educate their children. Parents are responsible for the upbringing and development of their children. They are obliged to take care of the health, physical, mental, spiritual and moral development of their children.

It is not a question whether we want it or not: we, parents, are obliged to do this.

2). Parents are obliged to ensure that their children receive basic general education and create conditions for them to receive secondary (complete) general education.

I translate: parents are responsible for ensuring that the child goes to school and studies there normally. If the parents do not do this, they are summoned to the guardianship authorities and deprived of parental rights.

Also, in accordance with the law, parents are obliged to support their minor children, that is, to give them everything they need for their healthy life and development. But it is not the responsibility of parents to buy things for children that they will brag to their peers. Also, the child does not have the right to entertain himself with games. How much and when our children will have fun - we, parents, decide, thinking about the affairs of the family and the future of our children - the future for which we are obliged to prepare our children. Parents are not required to buy toys for their child to entertain him or her.

Everything that the parents bought for the child remains the property of the parents. Children have all these things in a safekeeping regime and use them on the terms set by their parents. If children use their belongings or toys incorrectly, their parents take them away. If you behave badly, you will lose your computer and your phone.

And yet, our dear child. Please note: in accordance with the legislation of the Russian Federation, your parents have no obligations to serve your desires, to prepare breakfast for you when you can do it yourself, and there is no obligation to buy you what you want: a computer, a new phone, etc. all your friends. They can do it if you behave with dignity.

Understand, this needs to be discussed only once in a lifetime! Dear parents, if you are strong and successful people(at least at work), show your fighting qualities at home: you are doing this for the sake of children! If a son and a teenage daughter refuses to obey, you always have every right to calmly (or not calmly) say: “Son, I understand you correctly, that now you do not want to be a member of our family, to obey your parents? Actually, we have the legislation of the Russian Federation. I have to take care of you ... "You may be interrupted:" You do not need to take care of me, I am already an adult! " - In response to this, calmly explain to your still not quite adult child the legal situation:

"No, you are wrong, you are not an adult yet. You will receive adult rights when you are 18 years old and you start earning money to support yourself. If you refuse to obey your parents and do not want to be a member of our family, I suggest going to guardianship department, we register you in an orphanage, and you will live there. In the meantime, we take away your computer and other entertainments that seem to prevent you from thinking well. If you don’t want to live in a good way, we will live in a bad way: There is another suggestion: if you want to physically rampage, then it is better to immediately call the police and warn about your intentions, otherwise we will have to do this. "

If a child knows that you and your words are worth something, and over the years, a mind has nevertheless appeared in his head, he will hear you. And everything will get better!

Video from Yana Happiness: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A fairy tale that would not have been better. Pay for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.

Since childhood, I grew up without a father, my mother was very cruel, she constantly beat me, scolded me, called me rubbish, an idiot, down and in other words. In her opinion, this is how you need to treat a child in order to bring up a real one, strong man... She was also very vulnerable to alcohol, she often dragged me with her all over the city, to all sorts of gadyushniks, excuse the expression. Since childhood, I was a terrible hater of alcohol and nicotine, I just could not stand it, I was sick of those who even take a drop in their mouths, and she smoked right in front of me, often in the hall, lying on the couch, I had to sit on the street in winter, at night and wait until everything wears off. I got used to her insults, but when I turned 15, I began to notice that her every word hurts me unrealistically, after each of her "emotional outbursts" I fell into "mini depression" and until now I never got out of it, since she calls me names at very small intervals. Often, when I fell into depression, and buried myself deeply in my thoughts, I heard her insults in my head, voices, very distinctly, they tormented me, these voices were real, at these moments I was as if in a fog, but okay. I have problems with joints in my jaw, ears, I'm not sure about that, but they constantly hurt, I need to be shown to a neurologist, with the necessary rounds of doctors for school, he gave me a psychosis, said to visit him. I am so jealous of many teenagers who have good, kind parents, for whom childhood and adolescence- preparation for adult life, but for me - constant thoughts about whether I will survive. My cherished dream is to have a kind, good mother who will take care of my health. I would have taken care of him myself, but I do not have money for the necessary procedures, and my mother answers everything, “I have invented a new disease for myself, don’t talk nonsense, you don’t need anything there, I was also sent for an MRI, but I didn’t go "She also does not put psycho health next to physical, constantly repeating to me that" you have to have a child, I want to become a grandmother, I wonder who your wife will be? Well, do you like what kind of girl? " But how can I even think about it? Moreover, I am ashamed even to communicate with girls, I am considered a complete loser. When I tell my mother about this, she laughs and says that "everyone says so, you will have everything." this with her, I tried not to show her guilt in this as much as possible (if you accuse her of anything, it pisses her off and she starts screaming) I am afraid that I will not live to come of age

“They don’t love me”, “What to do if my parents don’t give a damn about me”, “If I leave, no one will notice”. Do you think these are the thoughts of some other person? Unfortunately no. These and similar questions are asked by children, asking for help from the experts of the site "I am a Parent" and at intervals of several times a week.

With a high probability, visitors to the site for responsible mothers and fathers will be surprised if they recognize their child among the children who have asked such questions. How? You give him all the best! Donate expensive gifts, help with studies.

It can be a revelation for a parent that the child needs more conversations about how the parent feels about him and about the reciprocity of these feelings.

The effect of "hidden" feelings

Unfortunately, in many families it is not customary to express emotions: “Don't cry!”, “Why are you angry, it's just a doll”, “Don't be sad, we'll buy new toy"," Don't laugh so loudly, it's indecent. " If we summarize these frequent and familiar phrases that we say, sometimes to our adult friends to express sympathy, we get the same meaning: "You cannot feel."

Where do these reactions come from? It's just that once we also received a “ban on feelings” from our parents, and now, in one or another modified form, we pass it on to our children.

The hidden emotion effect occurs when we prevent our children from expressing sadness, joy, anger, resentment, and even joy. If little child say “don’t cry” when he fell down and hurt himself a little, “don’t whine” when he begs for a toy, “don’t laugh out loud” when he’s having fun, sooner or later he concludes: you cannot feel.

Let's see how this happens.

7 parental taboos on feelings

1. The parent intentionally forbids feeling

It seems to the parent that if the child is given too much attention, he will grow up to be capricious and selfish. Perhaps there is a motive for the Spartan upbringing in this model. It is usually used for boys and often in those families where the parents are quite successful in their careers. Parents act according to the principle: "We throw it into the river - it will come up on its own," I achieved everything myself, my child can do it too. Otherwise, how will he survive without me later?

And the child is likely to handle it. Only then do not be surprised that he does not care about you and your problems either. After all, he did everything himself, just like you.

The situation may be similar to the previous one, with the only difference that here moms and dads do not do it on purpose.

Only the achievements of their child are important to parents, and his feelings remain insignificant in comparison with the next victory. By focusing solely on the outcome and curious about grades in school (not events), you give your child a signal: "You can only be loved when you have achieved something." The child begins to depend on your positive or negative assessment.

In such an environment, they are brought up, ready to put everything on the altar "please praise me."

3 the parent does not let the child rejoice

This may seem like a somewhat fantastic prohibition to you, but it occurs very often. It was as if a gene had been sewn into us: “to be happy is bad, this will surely be followed by reckoning”. Suffice it to recall the well-known proverb "you can't laugh a lot, then you will cry."

Imagine: you are sitting on the couch in front of the TV after a hard day at work, and then a child runs up to you with loud exclamations: “Mom / Dad, look, I painted a cloud!”. You look at him with an adult bewildered look, not understanding the reason for the joy. Or you will begin to “calmly explain” to the child that you are very tired and want to rest, which will not please the child either.

At this moment, the level of significance of their positive emotions in a child is rapidly falling. And in order to close off the source of joy, just a few such situations are enough.

4 parents compete for a child's feelings

Remember this ridiculous situation when a child is asked a popular but strange question: "Who do you love more - mom or dad?"

This question, like many other questions comparing mom and dad, cannot be answered.

The child loves both parents, but may be closer to one of them. At some point, he begins to hide his feelings so as not to offend anyone.

5 parents spend more time on the other child

In families with several children, parental inattention can be felt especially strongly: it seems that someone is paid more attention, someone less. Children know how to read all emotions in the early stages: and they are unlikely to be deceived.

Parents may unconsciously be interested in only one of the children, if that child has problems, and forget about those who are “doing well”.

As a result, the child “all is well” begins at best, at worst - withdraws into himself and stops any contact with his parents.

6. Parents make the child responsible for their emotions.

It happens that parents have not yet become adults themselves and have not survived their own traumatic situations. These parents need an adult who takes on the role of mom or dad and listens to them. But not everyone is ready to turn to.

What's happening? Infantile parents begin to "trust" their child. They complain about a difficult life, as a rule, they are often sick and like to speculate about it - and the child has no choice but to take responsibility for everything that happens.

Psychologists call this situation “parentification”: a child takes the place of a parent and does not allow himself to show negative emotions in his direction: after all, mom or dad are already suffering so much.

7. Parents "buy off" negative childhood emotions

Unfortunately, almost all parents do this. It's very easy to calm down crying baby who wants a toy just by buying it?

By paying off children with games and entertainment, we also forbid them to show emotions. How does the child perceive it? You teach him that any negative emotion can be "seized", "played" - replaced with material goods. If parents often do this, then the children then grow into consumers, gambling addicts, fatties with a sweet tooth - depending on what they bought them off with.

How not to fall into the trap of forbidden feelings?

In all of the above cases, the parents will have to change their behavior if they want to re-establish the correct emotional contact with the child. How to do it?

First, allow yourself to experience different emotions. You cannot help a child if you yourself are not aware of how you are feeling. To do this, you can go through or keep a diary of your emotions. It's important to remember that being aware of your emotions requires being alone, so take the time to do so.

As soon as you begin to understand yourself better, begin to tune in to the "wave" of the child's emotions: listen and ask him about what he is experiencing. This may take a while since children express emotions in a different way, often through play. Watch your child. After some time, you will understand when he is sad, when he is angry.

Help your child name this feeling: “you’re angry right now,” “you might be scared,” “you are jealous.” This allows children to give something unfamiliar, unpleasant and scary certain shapes and boundaries. When a child knows what he is feeling, he is no longer afraid: emotions become normal human manifestations.

“They don’t love me”, “What to do if my parents don’t give a damn about me”, “If I leave, no one will notice”. Do you think these are the thoughts of some other person? Unfortunately no. These and similar questions are asked by children, asking for help from the experts of the site "I am a Parent" and at intervals of several times a week.

With a high probability, visitors to the site for responsible mothers and fathers will be surprised if they recognize their child among the children who have asked such questions. How? You give him all the best! Give expensive gifts, help with studies.

It can be a revelation for a parent that the child needs more conversations about how the parent feels about him and about the reciprocity of these feelings.

The effect of "hidden" feelings

Unfortunately, in many families it is not customary to express emotions: "Don't cry!" If we summarize these frequent and familiar phrases that we say, sometimes to our adult friends to express sympathy, we get the same meaning: "You cannot feel."

Where do these reactions come from? It's just that once we also received a “ban on feelings” from our parents, and now, in one or another modified form, we pass it on to our children.

The hidden emotion effect occurs when we prevent our children from expressing sadness, joy, anger, resentment, and even joy. If a small child is told “don’t cry” when he fell and hurt himself slightly, “don’t whine” when he begs for a toy, “don’t laugh out loud” when he’s having fun, then sooner or later he concludes: you cannot feel.

Let's see how this happens.

7 parental taboos on feelings

1. The parent intentionally forbids feeling

It seems to the parent that if the child is given too much attention, he will grow up to be capricious and selfish. Perhaps there is a motive for the Spartan upbringing in this model. It is usually used for boys and often in those families where the parents are quite successful in their careers. Parents act according to the principle: "We throw it into the river - it will come up on its own," I achieved everything myself, my child can do it too. Otherwise, how will he survive without me later?

And the child is likely to handle it. Only then do not be surprised that he does not care about you and your problems either. After all, he did everything himself, just like you.

The situation may be similar to the previous one, with the only difference that here moms and dads do not do it on purpose.

Only the achievements of their child are important to parents, and his feelings remain insignificant in comparison with the next victory. By focusing solely on the outcome and curious about grades in school (not events), you give your child a signal: "You can only be loved when you have achieved something." The child begins to depend on your positive or negative assessment.

In such an environment, they are brought up, ready to put everything on the altar "please praise me."

3 the parent does not let the child rejoice

This may seem like a somewhat fantastic prohibition to you, but it occurs very often. It was as if a gene had been sewn into us: “to be happy is bad, this will surely be followed by reckoning”. Suffice it to recall the well-known proverb "you can't laugh a lot, then you will cry."

Imagine: you are sitting on the couch in front of the TV after a hard day at work, and then a child runs up to you with loud exclamations: “Mom / Dad, look, I painted a cloud!”. You look at him with an adult bewildered look, not understanding the reason for the joy. Or you will begin to “calmly explain” to the child that you are very tired and want to rest, which will not please the child either.

At this moment, the level of significance of their positive emotions in a child is rapidly falling. And in order to close off the source of joy, just a few such situations are enough.

4 parents compete for a child's feelings

Remember this ridiculous situation when a child is asked a popular but strange question: "Who do you love more - mom or dad?"

This question, like many other questions comparing mom and dad, cannot be answered.

The child loves both parents, but may be closer to one of them. At some point, he begins to hide his feelings so as not to offend anyone.

5 parents spend more time on the other child

In families with several children, parental inattention can be felt especially strongly: it seems that someone is paid more attention, someone less. Children know how to read all emotions in the early stages: and they are unlikely to be deceived.

Parents may unconsciously be interested in only one of the children, if that child has problems, and forget about those who are “doing well”.

As a result, the child “all is well” begins at best, at worst - withdraws into himself and stops any contact with his parents.

6. Parents make the child responsible for their emotions.

It happens that parents have not yet become adults themselves and have not survived their own traumatic situations. These parents need an adult who takes on the role of mom or dad and listens to them. But not everyone is ready to turn to.

What's happening? Infantile parents begin to "trust" their child. They complain about a difficult life, as a rule, they are often sick and like to speculate about it - and the child has no choice but to take responsibility for everything that happens.

Psychologists call this situation “parentification”: a child takes the place of a parent and does not allow himself to show negative emotions in his direction: after all, mom or dad are already suffering so much.

7. Parents "buy off" negative childhood emotions

Unfortunately, almost all parents do this. Isn't it very easy to calm down a crying toddler who wants a toy just by buying it?

By paying off children with games and entertainment, we also forbid them to show emotions. How does the child perceive it? You teach him that any negative emotion can be "seized", "played" - replaced with material goods. If parents often do this, then the children then grow into consumers, gambling addicts, fatties with a sweet tooth - depending on what they bought them off with.

How not to fall into the trap of forbidden feelings?

In all of the above cases, the parents will have to change their behavior if they want to re-establish the correct emotional contact with the child. How to do it?

First, allow yourself to experience different emotions. You cannot help a child if you yourself are not aware of how you are feeling. To do this, you can go through or keep a diary of your emotions. It's important to remember that being aware of your emotions requires being alone, so take the time to do so.

As soon as you begin to understand yourself better, begin to tune in to the "wave" of the child's emotions: listen and ask him about what he is experiencing. This may take a while since children express emotions in a different way, often through play. Watch your child. After some time, you will understand when he is sad, when he is angry.

Help your child name this feeling: “you’re angry right now,” “you might be scared,” “you are jealous.” This allows children to give something unfamiliar, unpleasant and scary certain shapes and boundaries. When a child knows what he is feeling, he is no longer afraid: emotions become normal human manifestations.