Return your wife, or Who's the boss? My wife and I have been married for ten years, have known each other for fifteen years, have a nine-year-old son. This summer we ran into serious problems. For no apparent reason, my wife said that she no longer wants to live with me. And she didn't! Why? I propose to consider life situation, which contains several main problems that arise in the process family life under the influence of internal negativity. From a letter from reader Alexei:

“My wife and I have been married for ten years, have known each other for fifteen years, and have a nine-year-old son. This summer we ran into serious problems. For no apparent reason, my wife said that she no longer wants to live with me. And she didn't! Why? Some of my notions, and her phrases taken out of context:
I'm terrible in bed. That's what I think, although I'm trying my best.
At the beginning of my family life, I had a mistress for six months, after which I confessed everything to her and repented. I thought I was forgiven, but on every occasion, they blamed me for it. And now, she is arguing for her decision to leave, despite the fact that seven years have passed.

I am not attentive in everyday life. This is her opinion, but it seems to me that it is quite affectionate. And I try to help around the house.
She was tired of solving all the problems herself. Here I have to agree. I work all day, I have my own business, and I hardly touch upon the everyday problems of my family.

Drunkenness. I completely agree. Overcame!
I do not understand her and I will never understand. Yes, one hundred percent. I am fixated on myself, on my problems, complexes and talk little to her. This is my ego's problem, but many people have this problem.
I am silent in the family. But in the company I am a soul and a clown. Why is this happening?

She was very tired, probably - it combines all the reasons. A month and a half has passed since she decided to part with me. I am deeply depressed. And she too. I was hoping she would change her mind, but that didn't happen. I cried, begged, threatened, humiliated myself in front of her. I talked to everyone: her parents, sisters, my mother, my friends and her girlfriends, but no result. I even went to the "granny". All is unsuccessful. Now we live separately. I am terribly jealous, although I am sure that she is "clean". But when I find out that she is not at home until late, I go crazy with jealousy, call her and it turns out to be a scandal. I spoil everything even more myself. She filed for divorce. I await him with horror. Help me understand the real causes of problems in my family. I am not asking for support. I have a lot of it - these are parents, a child, my wife's sisters. I want to understand and correct my mistakes, if possible. I love my wife very much and want her back. "

It does not happen that, without obvious reasons, the wife decides to leave you. Let's look for them together and fix the situation in better side... From your assumptions why your wife left you, it becomes clear that your problem is not in the ego, but the problem of the presence of internal negativity, from which you need to cleanse. And if you take apart your attempts to get your wife back and how you do it, then everything becomes very clear. Is this how real men behave? You are doing all but one thing that really needs to be done in this situation - is to become a real man. How to do it? Good question. I will also answer it in detail. In addition, you have many counselors who pursue their own goals rather than support you.

If you want to solve your problems and get your wife back, you need to act on your own and listen only to yourself. Answer yourself frankly to the following questions.

When problems arise in your family, do you take responsibility for solving them or do you immediately run for support?
Do you make decisions in your family or your parents, child, wife's sisters, friends or “grandma”?
Are you a man and master of the house or are they?
Why don't you put everyone in their place and become the master of your life, strong man and the head of the family?
You do not need to help your wife in everyday life, you need to create normal living conditions for life, do you feel the difference?
Do you think a woman wants to live with a clown?

Now for the main question. How to become a real man?
I will answer it. In order to become a real man, you need the following.
You must take full responsibility for your life and your family.
You must solve all your problems and the problems of your family yourself.
You must provide your family with everything you need.
You must make all the vital decisions for yourself and your family.
You must behave like a real man, showing strength, courage and dignity.
You should not humiliate yourself, run for advice and support on the side.

You must behave like a real man, in other words, you must not allow yourself to be commanded and controlled, by anyone, including your wife.
When you start to respect, love, appreciate and show a real man in yourself, then your wife will understand that with you she can be a real woman and will be safe. She will begin to treat you like a real man who can take care of her and her child, and will become a support for her in life. Now apparently she does not trust you with her life. So prove to her that you a real man... But first, you need to cleanse yourself of your inner negativity and problems.

An excerpt from the book by Irina Olkhovskaya "Reflection".

Who is in charge of the house - husband or wife? Each family resolves this issue in its own way. How the owner wants to see her house, and how the mistress wants to see her house, and what will happen if they combine their efforts, this chapter from the book tells.

There is an expression: "The house must have strong walls and soft beds." "The walls are built" by the man, "the bed is being laid" by the woman. It is a metaphor for male and female roles, firm protection and gentle caring, male and female. Can they switch roles? They can. But will it be cozy in the house? Will everyone be safe in it? Will everyone feel warm and soft in it? Do you want to sleep on hard beds in a house with soft walls? The answer to this question is not in logic and not in evidence, but in choice. What kind of home do you want for yourself? The answer is yours.

The boss is not just a natural male role, it is a special role that the husband takes on out of love for his wife and home. To successfully fulfill this role, a simple desire is not enough; freedom, independence, responsibility and courage are also needed.

To become the master of the house for a man is an honorable and creative prospect. This role is difficult and partly sacrificial: you have to think about and remember a lot. At the same time, aerobatics is when everything works, but as if by itself, no one from the family notices how.

The owner also makes sure that everyone fulfills their duties and does not break the rules. Rules and regulations are the second most important responsibility of the owner after ensuring reliability. They are formed from the norms and values ​​that the husband and wife profess. Each of them brings into the relationship their ideas and their morality, perceived in parental families... But in your own family, these rules and procedures will be adopted on a compromise basis, they will have to be negotiated.

The owner is values ​​and morality, hierarchy, security, stability, functionality, improving the quality of the home and household, order, rules, achievement, success, expanding the space of the house, traditions.

A hostess is a mood, activity, beauty, comfort, care, care, peace, ceremonies and rituals, communication, transformation of space (home, plot, garden) and improving the quality of relationships. The internal structure of the house, its convenience, its softness, its humanity are the main task of the hostess.

A lot depends on her. You enter some houses and feel how all worries and sorrows recede, your shoulders straighten, your muscles relax, your voice becomes quieter, your intonations are softer, tension and irritation disappear somewhere - the whole atmosphere calms and soothes. I want to come back there again and again. And it does not matter that you sit on a bent-legged stool - it is forgotten, but the spirit of the house, warmth, kindness (“give a pad to the pad to make it softer”) penetrate into the very heart and warm it. And in other houses you feel uncomfortable, you don't know where to hide, how to behave, what to say - everything is awkward, out of place, tension and discontent hang in the air, although everything is tastefully furnished, thoughtfully, but as if without a soul. I would like to leave as soon as possible: you don’t rest in such houses, but you get tired and the next time you go reluctantly, you postpone the visit - your legs don’t bear. Of course, the atmosphere of a house is made up of many things, but the role of the hostess here is undeniable. A house is unthinkable without a master, and a master without a mistress.

To compare the roles of the owner and the hostess, here are some examples. It is important for the owner that all doors in the house open and close well; for the hostess - so that each door has its own characteristics and is recognizable even in the dark, and therefore pictures, symbols, inscriptions and so on appear on the doors. It is important for the owner that everyone living in the house speaks quietly, does not shout; for the hostess - so that everyone can speak out, tell her about himself and about his feelings. It is important for the owner that everyone is well fed; the hostess - to take into account the characteristics of each. It is important for the owner that money and resources go to work; the hostess - so that everyone can afford at least some pleasure.

The owner keeps order, controls, prohibits or permits, the hostess calms, consoles, persuades. The owner constantly repeats about the law, commandments and honor, the hostess often asks about feelings, mood and condition. The owner worries, does not sleep at night and thinks about wealth and dignity, the hostess takes care of food and linen until nightfall. The owner prays for the blessing of the whole house, for mercy to the children, the hostess for the health of the children and grandchildren. The owner dreams of a new roof or an extension, the hostess dreams of her daughter's dowry.

It is important for the owner that everything functions as it should and is convenient and economical, reliable and has a long service life. The hostess worries that everything is beautiful and pleases everyone.

The owner monitors the cleanliness of the yard and the street on which the house is located and along which the children go to school. It is important for him that this road is safe and calm. He seeks to negotiate with neighbors about the order on the street, in the village, in the city. The owner becomes a "head", a deputy, a politician in order to restore order in the country.

The hostess decorates the courtyard and the facade, showing her Creative skills... She teaches children and neighbors her crafts and arts, teaches children music, design, embroidery. She builds relationships with everyone, teaching children to diplomacy, compromise and moral firmness. Her task is to plant ethics and aesthetics around her, but her main concern is for everyone to love each other. She introduces, reconciles, brings together, persuades, consoles, listens and talks. She plants flowers, decorates shop windows, arranges charitable foundations, fairs and exhibitions. Dream!

Several significant "buts" may arise here. So, for some, external attributes become the main sign of family well-being. In pursuit of a beautiful facade, spouses can become too dependent on coziness and comfort, forget about the spiritual meaning of marriage, and begin to neglect human relationships. On the other hand, unfortunately, we have to admit that in real life many can only dream of such an ideal embodiment of the family image. This is connected both with insurmountable objective circumstances, when people are placed in conditions on the brink of survival, and with personal characteristics - not all men have the necessary courage or thriftiness, and not all women have a “sense of beauty”. But if in heavy monotonous everyday life there is a place for kind word, smiling or helping your neighbor - this can already be considered a victory of life and love. Let something be done awkwardly and clumsily, but with desire and with a soul - "The Lord kisses the intention, too."

As life practice shows, nothing happens without a leader, not a team, not a country, and, of course, a family. But who is the boss in the house? From the outside it is always better to see whether there is a leader in the family.

Leadership in couples is formed in the process of family life. In some families, everything is ruled by the husband, in others by the wife, and there are also couples in which love and harmony rule.

Why is there so often controversy about family leadership, why is it so important for some people to be in charge? Such questions can often be heard in family disputes, and, as a rule, all the same, everyone remains unconvinced.

The head of the family must be a man!

In the old days, the question "Who is the boss in the house?" was not even considered - of course, a man! The wife had to obey her husband in everything, please him, honor him and love him infinitely. Now a woman, perhaps, would like her husband to make all decisions, but only the men are not the same.

In some families, a man initially takes over the leadership, because it was so in his family, but what if he does not want to take on a lot of responsibility?

If a woman wants her husband to be the head, then his command must begin from the moment a couple is formed. It is very important not to take on men's responsibilities and wait for the faithful to mature and begin to do everything himself. A person is lazy by nature, he quickly gets used to good things, but difficulties are hard! It is necessary from the first days to show your dependence on the stronger sex. Do not grab onto nailing or fixing household appliances, show that you do not know how to do this, and without the support of your husband, you will simply disappear. The instinct of the defender will not keep you waiting!

Never expect a man to be the first to help you, ask him. Most men simply do not see the need to help a woman, therefore, you yourself must load them as much as possible with tasks around the house or making decisions that are important for your family. In the future, your husband will do everything himself without your reminders and requests.

Do not forget that you are the main support and support of your husband, so you should always notice his work, praise, give compliments and thank him for everything he does, even if it is a trifle, for example, washed dishes, but he is very pleased that he is noticed ... In general, it is very important for a man to be appreciated, such is his natural essence!

The head of the family is a woman.

As for the woman’s headship in the family, everything is simple here. If in the family of a woman everything was led by the mother, then she also prevails in her family. This is prompted by a strong character. Such people need to keep everything in their hands, make decisions for everyone. In such families, as a rule, men are passive, they get used to the fact that he does not depend on them, and they feel good. But, dear ladies, you forget that there are difficulties that are difficult to cope with alone, and there will be no place to wait for help.

Unfortunately, the supremacy of a woman kills her femininity; sooner or later, men get tired of obedience and leave, or a series of endless scandals in the family begins.

Equality in the family.

Ideal situation in family relationships, when equality reigns in the house: the husband does hard male work, the wife takes care of the hearth and the beauty of the house. They raise children together and make all decisions on the development of relationships, together they build the future!

In families where equality reigns, the wife inspires her man to feats, and he, in turn, encourages her for comfort, affection and love. Together, it is always easier to overcome the difficulties and hardships of life. The idyll of the relationship is so perfect that husband and wife can replace each other in some situations.

There should not be two heads in a family, one sane head and a gentle heart are needed, only then there will be harmony and tranquility in your family. Your children will not hear quarrels, and in the future, in their future families, it will always be safe and calm, because the relationship of parents is the main example for the younger generation.

Take care of each other and do not pull the blanket over yourself, remember, one is not a warrior in the field!

Traditionally, it is believed that a man is a breadwinner and must solve strategic problems, play the role of a protector, and a woman creates a favorable atmosphere in the house, comfort, as they say, makes a nest, takes care of children. But in modern society, it often happens the other way around. Who in this case is the head in the family, and who is the neck, from the male and female point of view, the journalists of "Vecherka" argue.

Tradition, some physiological features and stereotypes imposed by pop culture ("Eggs, tobacco, fumes and bristles", S. Shnurov) require us to be courageous, harsh and rude. In this context, the question "who is the boss" seems inappropriate and silly. Someone, grandfather Pikhto! Therefore, you have to do your best to match the image ...

Well, there, kill a dragon or destroy a couple of mills. Sometimes you give up slack and fall home with a white fluffy bunny. But this is only because the oblique stigma is strong in the cannon.

And if this is so, then you need to sit outside the schedule and suddenly present the children with something that they grabbed on the way during the last tour of various institutions.

Phew ... Have you read it? Everything above is pure lies (except dragons), bold statements for external consumption.

But remember: in those glorious times, when everything on this land was regulated by Domostroi, and women were allowed to speak on command, no one could predict the collapse of the institution of the family. Which is now expressed in the wild number of divorces in the young "cells of society." And everything could have been different if they had agreed before the registry office who was in charge. And then you can give up on Domostroy (which they don't even know about) and admit: well, yes, it happens that no stubble can save the situation.

For example, my wife, to whom I turned with the question “who is here ...” (and why did I just do this), told me (the voice trembled at the same time) that the main one is “the one who needs it more”.

Who needs to repair the ceiling in the kitchen, which suffered from neighbors ten years ago, to do something with the tiles in the bathroom and to dig a car out of the snow to take their daughter to the pool. And I remembered a dozen more things that I put off for later, because there are more important things - like fishing or a motorcycle.

I seemed to hold back the blow (tradition dictates to us ...), but deep down I already doubt the answer to this question. Just don’t tell your wife.

Anna Gerasimenko, "VM" columnist

The owner of the house is the one who knows where the generator and boiler are and how to fix the pump. Kidding.

It's already ridiculous to talk about the woman-keeper of the hearth and the man-earner. I would like about something else. How do we ourselves see our roles? He says: "A woman should be a housewife!" And she is shocked. Because her mom worked hard all her life, and her dad cooked the soup. In this example, she grew up as a working woman and hates vacuuming.

Or she says: "A man must earn money, go, dear, get us mulons in the Maldives." And he is not ready. His dad told him all his life that the main thing is meaning, not money. So he got a job in a scientific laboratory. How do you explain this to her? Her dad gave her a pony for her 12th birthday ... We usually build a family and assign roles in it according to the script written by the parents. And often this very much prevents us from being happy. It's good that my friends Olya and Pasha did not listen to anyone. Olya wanted a career, money, although her mother believed that she needed to learn how to cook meat with a sauce "de la something". Olya, when she got married, tried to become her mother, but her heart called her to the career ladders. But Pasha was completely unable to cope with the role of a breadwinner. Love, common sense and disregard for the opinions of others won.

The husband and wife agreed to do what they want and what they do well.

Olya dived into business, hired a housekeeper, bought a house a couple of years later, gave birth to a son, and a month later went to work. Fairy hearth Pasha became. He cooked well, played with his son with pleasure. It was 7 years ago. Now they already have three children, Olya - general manager, and Pasha, sitting at home with the children, wrote two good books, because he always dreamed about it.

Yes, there was a time when friends teased him with "a lapdog on Olya's pillow," and Olya was a man. But they stopped when they saw that everyone was happy. Yes, every woman wants a man to come and deftly fix some leaking faucet. I wish the man could hang the bracket himself. Just like a man, it will be pleasant to eat freshly baked beloved cheesecakes.

But will my friend Katya love her husband Sasha less due to the fact that, having picked up a puncher for the first time, he reached out to the neighbors, pierced a lot of unnecessary things and brought down the wall? No. Will my friend Lesha love his wife Natasha less because she buys soup and does not know how to bake pies? No.

The owner of the house is the one who brings warmth and love to this very house. And not the one who laid a beautiful tablecloth or earned money for a new TV.