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I want to have a family

I am 37 years old and I want a family. She was not married, but she always believed in happy marriage, in a strong warm relationship between spouses. I thought I finally met him. We have been dating for 1.3 years. He is 38 years old, was not married, had no serious relationship with a girl for 2 years before me (I learned this from mutual friends). I only dreamed of such a relationship ...!

We very rarely quarrel with him, and then some misunderstandings. Everything about him suits me, the masculine character, at the same time, a soft nature - he is kind. But he is very secretive, you will not achieve anything from him until you ask him directly. It would seem that everything is perfect, why not start living together, start talking about the wedding, what plans he has, I don’t know. I want to start a conversation about this and it seems to me that I will spoil everything or I am afraid of refusal. I already want a family and children ...

We both rent apartments, from Friday to Sunday we live together, mostly with me, on Monday everything is at our homes and places. I live alone and he is alone apart from his parents, his mother (he did not introduce me to his parents) constantly helps him with the household. Somehow I had an unpleasant incident with my apartment owners: to which my boyfriend suggested that I find another apartment. I could not stand it and told him, knowing that he also wanted to move out with his - why don't we rent a house together ??? We will share all the expenses.. But he said that was not the point. I asked him to explain, he said that we will discuss this another time. The conversation was on the phone, and I did not insist, I thought that he was right.

2 months have passed - neither I nor a word nor he .... I don’t want to press him, but I’m wondering when he matures to discuss all this and why he doesn’t decide. I think to start the conversation first and I don’t know what is more correct to say so that there is no pressure, but it turned out to be a heart-to-heart conversation. I don't want to lose him, he is the best thing in my life. But it’s so scary that it’s holding him back, because we spend time together very well.

Hello Marina.

Most likely, the guy is happy with the current state of affairs, so he does not want to resume the conversation, because he does not want to upset you or, perhaps, is afraid of accusations and pressure.

In order for the conversation to really not be pressure, there must be an attitude that discover, does he want to start a family with you, what are his plans, and not to get the answer you want from him: when you start living together or get married. If you adhere to this principle, then there will be no pressure in your question. Ask yourself how prepared you are for a negative answer. It is important to understand how possible further relations with him are for you, if he does not want to move to another stage of relations with you, whether then the relationship can be satisfactory for you.

If in reality you are unhappy with this state of affairs, then the relationship will begin to deteriorate, therefore, in this case, after receiving an answer, it is better to decide whether you can find meaning and pleasure for yourself in such a relationship, or is it better to find another person, because you want to have family. Postponing this issue is also not an option: you will still experience hidden dissatisfaction, which will have a bad effect on your relationship.

Sometimes a man does not want to give a final answer, but postpones it indefinitely. He says that now he is not ready or circumstances interfere. You are dating more than a year, so such an answer is better considered a failure, so that there are no vain hopes.

Question for psychologists

Good afternoon! I am 34 years old. Divorced 4 years old. My child is 7 years old. I work as a chief accountant. I live with my parents. I want to start a family, build a serious relationship with a man. men. As soon as it comes to living together, the same problem arises about the family. Namely, the unwillingness to be responsible for the family and relationships.
The last relationship has been going on for two years. My partner is 39 years old, has been married for 7 years, divorced about 5, two children, pays alimony, rarely communicates with children (come on vacation) - they live in another country, loves them very much. Gets along well with my child. at his age, it is necessary to live separately. While we were just meeting and getting to know each other, everything was fine. But as soon as I started talking about the future, everything happened again. It scares me. It turns out the same thing all the time: a family is expensive, troublesome, and why at all? you can just love and be loved, without obligations. But I want a family! , no life, I'm ready to take care of a man and our children.
Tell me, please, maybe my requirements are too high? They constantly tell me about this. What do I need to do: break up and look for a new relationship? I love this person, but gradually I lose respect for him because he does not want to do anything to we were together.
Thank you for your attention.

Received 4 advice - consultations from psychologists, to the question: I want a family

Hello Anna. You started from the end of the story, but you should have started from the beginning. The fact that you came to the sad conclusion for you that the men you liked do not want to be responsible to you, do not want to tie the knot, and consider themselves free a relationship comfortable for yourself is already the end of the story. And its beginning usually lies in the partnership of your parents, or rather your impressions of them, whether you wanted to repeat such a relationship, or vice versa, you were very eager for others. An important factor is the circumstances of the divorce from the father of your child , as well as the circumstances under which you parted with partners who you had before your current relationship. The key point in your appeal is the phrase: "... it's expensive, troublesome, and why at all?" Is it true and why should a man take on yourself an additional burden? After all, if you yourself want to live separately from your parents, then why are you still living with them? claims in the absence of his actions to improve the quality of your life, you push him away from you and kill his desire to be with you and do something for you. Stop, look around if you want to live separately from your parents, explain to him why you personally need it - it's certainly great joint child and plans for the future, and you should be more specific. Explain to your man why it’s not convenient for you to live with your parents, how your relationship with him will qualitatively change if you have, even if you don’t demand a rented apartment, but ask! men, a woman builds relationships neatly, gently. A man should become so good with her that he himself wants to do everything so that she is next to him. For a more detailed analysis of the situation and to work on your personal qualities, it is advisable for you to contact psychologist internally. Sincerely,

Palchikova Elena Aleksandrovna, psychologist Krasnodar

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Anna, hello!

From your story, we can conclude that every time you step on the same rake.

Over the past 4 years after the divorce, I have had meetings with 4 men. As soon as it comes to living together, the same problem arises about the family. Namely, the unwillingness to be responsible for the relationship.

Four times the same thing, maybe the problem is not in the partners, but in you? I recommend that you contact a specialist, since in your case it is necessary to consider the relationship in marriage, why did the divorce occur, who was the initiator? There is such a simple test, if you hear some remark from a man addressed to you, this is his problem, and if you hear this remark from many men, then the problem is yours. If the situation repeats every time, then most likely you are making the same mistake.

Tell me, please, maybe my requirements are too high? They constantly tell me about this

It is necessary to understand where the legs grow from these requirements. After all, they didn’t just come to your mind, most likely they developed after some kind of life experience, and are associated with that “past” experience that is not at all involved in new relationships.

What do I need to do: break up and look for a new relationship? I love this person, but gradually I lose respect for him because he does not want to do anything so that we are together.

Why break up? To fall into that trap again? With each new partner you will experience the same feelings, follow the same scenario. Until you find the "reason", and this reason often sits far in the past, in childhood, or in adolescence.

In your situation, it is better to work with a family psychologist or psychotherapist.

Good luck to you!

Safina Elmira Anvarovna, psychologist, Yelabuga

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Hello Anna! It is clear that it is not at all easy for you to be in a relationship with a man for whom you are losing respect, even despite the feelings that you have. There are three ways out of this situation: either change your attitude towards this issue (and then just be with your loved one), or try to persuade him to your opinion (but this must be done very delicately and carefully, analyze what may be most important to him v family life and change their behavior in accordance with their values ​​and needs. You cannot force him to start a family with you, you can only try to behave in such a way that he himself wants it.), or the third option is the most radical, it is to think about finding another man. For a woman, the desire to start a family is by no means an overstated requirement (especially since you yourself are ready to try for this and make concessions), but perhaps it’s worth then analyzing which men you choose and why (after all, you yourself say that one and the same scenario repeats itself not for the first time). Perhaps initially these men do not meet your criteria, which is why such difficulties arise in the future. Then you should pay attention to what exactly these men attracted you and find out what is the main thing for you in a man (the factor of creating a family and maybe you can add something else). Then, when making new acquaintances, you will need to pay special attention to the opinion of these men regarding issues of interest to you. You can find out when talking about parental family relationships of acquaintances, relatives and friends. The position of a man will manifest itself in his judgments. Choose what is best for you to do, and for a more detailed analysis of the situation, you can contact a psychologist for help personally. Good luck and all the best.

Sincerely,
Krokhalevskaya Vladlena Sergeevna, psychologist of the Krasnodar family and make decisions. You will be led, or maybe not. But, apparently, you are afraid of such a man. This is a sign of low value. Because of this, the same scenario of disappointments and failures occurs. To change it, it is important to take care of your inner world and make a reorganization in it. Then life will sparkle with new colors.

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychologist of the psychoanalytic school Volgograd

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Consultations and predictions about when and with whom a relationship will develop, the possibility of having a child and looking at all the prospects is a completely normal situation. But viewing such questions does not always reveal the underlying causes of failures in the personal life of the person who applied for help. But it is the knowledge of the causes of these failures that can change your life. Therefore, if you really want to have a family and children - regardless of age and circumstances - know that you can always find a way out.

The main reasons for the problems of people who cannot start a family

The most important reason is, perhaps, still the creation of an ideal image of a partner. Moreover, the person himself is not always aware of the discrepancy between his ideal and reality. Everyone wants a beautiful, smart, wealthy, caring and loving only you. That is, we are looking for an abstract person with a set of qualities and character traits that simply do not exist in reality and cannot belong to only one person. The second reason that slows down a person on the way to the successful creation of a family is our past. Once having met a person and having fallen in love with him, we no longer recognize anyone and are not looking for anything new, all the rest are just faded shadows passing by. The third reason is unfinished business, work and career. There is so much to do and achieve! And this, of course, also takes time. We are constantly busy resolving issues and satisfying our interests, earning and acquiring things, cars, apartments, trips and travels. We are chasing the recognition of colleagues and the acquisition of power. Where in this race will there be time for a personal life? Another reason: we do not love and do not value ourselves. Complexes and insecurity, vulnerability and weakness of character... As a result, we find a bunch of reasons and program ourselves for failure, subconsciously completely rejecting the possibility of happy family happiness. And often I hear from a person such a phrase: "I want to have a family and children, help me." I hear, but I don’t see, that in reality this is exactly what he wants. He is simply based on the concepts of society and the people around him, on what he sees married couples around, he, it seems, also wants to be the same. But he has no real inner desire. There is such a thing in human nature; he gets used to freedom and lack of commitment, just going with the flow. Of course, these are far from all the reasons for unsuccessful attempts to create a family: there are many other, individual moments. Such a reason can be, for example, an energy imbalance, because of which men simply do not notice a woman in you in the full sense of the word, do not feel attraction to you - that is why they do not have a desire to create a family with you and live a happy life. Or your energy can be completely exhausted when you have spent all your energy on achieving in your career or communicating with a large number of people. There are also frequent cases when there is close energetic vampire, which can also interfere with the successful arrangement of your personal life.

Tips for those who still want to start a family and have children

The very first thing is to want it right“It is right to want to have a family and children” - this may sound silly, but: - You need to understand and realize your desire, regardless of the circumstances of your life, past experience and abandon all stereotypes; - you need to thoroughly analyze the situation, identify regular problems that you have in relationships with the opposite sex; - understand why you need it and what you will get in the end. Having worked through all these points, you will be able to understand exactly what you want from a partner and relationship. This will be the first step to create a full-fledged family. Second: remove obstacles In any relationship, the energy compatibility of people is very important. Many women, as well as men, cannot start a family just because they do not understand what exactly they need. A person does not always understand and realize with whom he will feel good, therefore, paying attention only to the appearance he likes, he finds only disappointment. Compatibility of characters and life goals plays a big role here. Almost always at the beginning of a relationship, people put on “masks”, and we can’t always see behind her. real person. Well, or show yourself real. And after some time, it’s already a shame to take off the “mask”: there is a fear of losing a person. But here you need to think about the fact that by revealing your true face, you will find exactly the person you need, who will love you and satisfy all your life needs. And including - wants to build a family with you. Therefore, you must first of all become yourself, accept yourself, understand who you really are. Perhaps you consider yourself a gray mouse, but a vamp woman actually lives inside you, and that is why your real potential has not yet been revealed. You limit your behavior and all your manifestations by developing habits that are unusual for you. The same applies to the reverse situation. You have probably noticed people who behave unnaturally and cause laughter from the outside. No need to be skeptical of them - they are simply confused in their desires and understanding of how to conquer others. So - find yourself, become yourself, this will change a lot, including your attitude to the world and the search for a partner. Next, check your energy. It is very important for a woman to have female energy. Not everyone understands how you can be a woman and not have the energy of femininity, and many do not even think about it at all. Based on my practice, I will say that I very rarely meet real female energy in people who contact me. Often this is what becomes a problem for creating a family and having children. And most importantly: if you want to see an exceptional man next to you (as they say, with a capital letter), you certainly need to become a real woman. You must have come across a situation: not beautiful, not smart, but how, how did such a man turn out to be next to her, for whom I would give everything in this life? This is exactly how female energy works. Here you can be helped by energy practices that will restore your potential, make you more attractive to men. Third: it is possible to change life now Look at your surroundings. If you are constantly surrounded by loners, regardless of how they came to this state, you just need to get out of this mass state, change your life and your ideas about it. Since these people, it is they who infect and program you for loneliness. And perhaps even this is beneficial to them to some extent, because thanks to loneliness, a common circle of interests is created. And in the energetic sense, completely unaware of this, you are charged with the energy of imaginary freedom about these people.

			Change your lifestyle, it means a lot. Habitual places and activities do not give you new opportunities to meet a person who would attract you and change the direction of life in a fundamental way. This is all that you can do yourself. But it happens that a person's problem is much deeper, and here you can not do without the help of an expert who will identify and help remove obstacles to creating a personal life. Based on my practice, I can advise you, do not look for an answer to the question “when?”, It is better to determine “why?” and "how to fix?". And then this very "when" will be much closer than you think and expect. Remember, not everything is decided by fate, a lot is decided by people.

“I want a family” - this desire sooner or later arises in the minds of almost all people. But is married life really that good, or is it better to stay single? If you still create a family, then how to prepare for this serious step? The publication will answer these questions.

Single life or family life?

For some, a bachelor's life is real bliss and freedom, for others it is only longing and fetters. Some people dream of finding peace and family comfort as soon as possible, while someone, on the contrary, strives not to tie themselves in marriage for a longer time. In most cases, the bachelor life attracts men, both young and mature. They can sincerely enjoy a free life until they feel the need to find a family.

Women, by their very nature, tend to create comfort and home. They perceive the absence of a family in a negative way, especially if it has been absent for a long time. Therefore, it is quite normal if thoughts like “Will I get married” arise in a girl’s head. A rare woman will be sincerely glad of a bachelor life. Usually these include those who already have experience of marriage, and not the most successful. Therefore, they do not want to live together with the opposite sex or try to postpone this moment as long as possible.

That is, everyone chooses for himself how to live: free or married. Single life has its pros and cons. About them further and will be discussed.

Advantages of single life

The basis of a bachelor's life is freedom in all its forms and manifestations. Non-family people very fiercely protect her from encroachments of the opposite sex. The ability to do whatever you want in single life is the main thing positive moment. The remaining pluses only follow from the concept of freedom.

• This is a lot of free time, which you can dispose of only at your discretion.
• The ability to manage finances the way you want.
• Free choice of friends, which does not depend on the sympathies of the chosen one.
• Gastronomic preferences are not controlled by anyone.
• A varied sex life due to the constant change of sexual partners.
• The dwelling can be furnished as you like, relying only on your vision of the interior.
• You choose how and when to clean.
• No need to adapt to someone, try to negotiate and seek compromises.
• A bachelor has low responsibility: you feed, provide for and answer only for your loved one.
• More opportunities to build a successful career that will bring high prosperity.
• Less stress. No matter how good the relationship is, family life is a constant test of nerves for strength. Nobody bothers Bobyl to rest, sleep, and does not drip on the brain.

The positives are quite impressive. It is understandable why bachelors say: "I don't want a family." But there is a significant nuance here. All the charms of a carefree life can be fully experienced only from the age of 25-28. As a rule, by this age, both women and men live separately from their parents, become financially independent and sufficiently prepared to independently resolve domestic issues.

Disadvantages of single life

Usually, awareness of the negative aspects of a single life comes at those moments when a person is oversaturated with personal freedom. Then he begins to understand: "I want a family and children." Moreover, single life has its downsides.

• Lack of psychological and physical support. A bachelor can rely in everything only on his own strength. This negative moment is especially acute when help is required for health reasons.
• Independent housekeeping. This is the performance of traditionally female and male duties. Cleaning the apartment, cooking, moving heavy and bulky items, repairing plumbing, electrics, and so on.
• Inconsistent sexual relations. Free people regularly have to look for a new partner, which can have a bad effect on libido. If the connections are random and unprotected, then there is a high probability of health problems.
• Low social activity. Most bachelors aspire to nothing. The exception is self-care. It doesn't compare to how a married man behaves or married woman. They help their extended family, start a garden or a dacha, go with their children to various interesting places where they communicate with new people. It makes purposeful and very developing.

Of course, one cannot categorically state that family life is a panacea for everyone, and bachelor life is selfish and immoral. A person should listen only to his feelings and act in accordance with them. It is silly to start a family just for the reason that it is due to age or all the acquaintances have already married. The decision to end the bachelor life must be conscious and sincere. Only in this case will it be comfortable in marriage.

Why can't you start a family?

What problems can you face? It happens that a person comes to the conclusion: “I want to get married / get married”, but for some reason cannot achieve this goal. Why is this happening? This can be explained by the following facts.

The most important reason is to create an ideal image of a partner. Moreover, a person may not even realize that he is not true. Everyone wants to be paired with smart, beautiful, rich, caring and so on. This is an abstract person with a certain set of traits and qualities that simply may not exist in reality. You need to descend from heaven and not wait for a prince or princess.

The second most popular reason is the lack of motivation and true desire. Yes, a person can say: “I want a family”, but in reality it is not so. He is simply based on the norms of society and what he sees around a lot of married couples. Therefore, it would seem that he also wants to become like that, although in fact there is no real desire. This situation often happens to women. Seeing how acquaintances create families, they begin to complain: “Will I get married someday?”

A bachelor can be hindered by his past. For example, there was already love in his life, but it ended in parting, although the feelings remained. Since then, other applicants are not recognized at all and are not considered for the role of a life partner.

Very often, some unfinished business or career interferes with starting a family. There is so much to do in life! Earn enough money, buy a car, an apartment, have time to travel. And this, of course, requires money and free time. Once these goals are achieved, it will be possible to start a family and children. So many people argue and risk not being in time.

Some people are prevented from creating a serious relationship by complexes, self-doubt, weakness of character and vulnerability. These subconscious qualities are programmed for an unsuccessful life in which there is no family happiness. In accordance with this, a person builds his behavior.

Sooner or later you start to think about how to start a family and what you need to do to get there. This will be discussed further.

Ask yourself questions

First of all, you should ask yourself why so far it has not been possible to start a family. You have to be completely honest with yourself and answer the question honestly. For clarity, the reasons can be written out on a piece of paper. For example, it can be fears, complexes or problems in the search.

It is also worth considering why you want to start a family. That is, you need to understand what exactly you expect from a relationship in marriage. All options that come to mind can be written down on a piece of paper. Answers in the style of “because relatives are pressing” or “it’s time for age” are an indicator of unpreparedness for serious relationship. It's just a desire to fit public opinion. If the intentions are sincere, then you need to try to eliminate the reasons why you can’t start a family. What step will be next?

love yourself

Some say: “I want to get married / get married”, but at the same time they do not like themselves. Who will love a man who does not love himself? If there are any complexes that interfere with starting a family, then you need to work with them. If there are problems in communicating with the opposite sex, then you need to attend psychological trainings. The figure can be adjusted with the help of sports and diets. Lack of repair or cooking skills will help correct the corresponding courses. That is, any problem can be solved.

Some are embarrassed by their appearance, although often this complex is far-fetched. But even if there are some problems with this, then it is worth taking a closer look at happy married couples. Not all of them have perfect looks. So that's not the point. A family is created with the person whose qualities correspond to their own expectations and values.

Revise the value system

Of course, one desire "I want good family' will not be enough. It's just emotions. You need to be ready to get married. And this is the maturity of the individual. To create a family, you must have a certain system of values. If it is different, then it will have to be revised in order for the relationship to be successful. What to pay attention to before

• Know how to express your feelings. This can be done not only with words, but with touches and glances. It is also important to confirm your love in deeds, and not just talk about it. The partner must feel that he is loved and important for his chosen one.
• The ability to emotionally empathize with a partner. In marriage, it is important to be an empathic person. After all, who, if not a spouse, will provide support. It is necessary not only to listen about problems, but also to listen to them.
• Consider the other person's opinion. In general, spouses are equal in rights. Everyone has their own desires and responsibilities. This must be taken into account when planning family life. A woman is not required to be a housekeeper, and a man is not required to be a "purse". All roles are assigned by mutual agreement. Household issues should be discussed in advance and a decision should be made jointly.
• Be responsible. Starting a family is at least taking care of one more person. Therefore, you need to learn to be responsible not only for yourself, but also for him. You will also have to treat money differently. It will be necessary to plan the family budget, keep records of earnings and expenses, deny yourself something in order to have enough funds for more important things. It is very important that both spouses share responsibility for two, and not just someone pulling the strap.

Decide on the criteria for the chosen one

It is important to understand what kind of person you want to see next to you until the end of your days. To do this, you can make a list of preferred qualities. Appearance irrelevant. It is necessary to indicate age, character traits, interests, skills and other features. Something without which it is impossible to build long-term relationships.

There is no need to hope that there will be a person who fully meets all the criteria. It is better to rank the list and, when choosing, rely only on the most significant qualities. For example, for someone it is very important that the partner loves children, and someone appreciates the similarity of hobbies. Everyone has their own preferences. Of course, the second half must also want to live in marriage. Otherwise, the statement “I want a family, get married (marry)” will simply be meaningless.

Search for a chosen one

You can’t dream of starting a family and not leaving the house anywhere. Spouse (s) will not fall from the ceiling. If there are only loners in the social circle, then you will have to make new acquaintances. You can visit restaurants, interest clubs, sports sections, theaters, city events and so on. But you don’t need to “go hunting” and each time hope that you will meet the same one. It is important to keep a sober mind and just enjoy life. For some, special dating sites will be the way out. They can significantly reduce the search time for the chosen one. But this method has its drawbacks. On the Internet, people often embellish their virtues and behave differently than in real life.

Don't rush things

When the search is completed, there is no need to rush and immediately stun the chosen one: “I want a family, let's go to the registry office as soon as possible!” This will only scare away, even if the person is not against marriage. Let the relationship develop gradually. Moreover, during this time you can get to know all the advantages and disadvantages of a potential spouse. You can think about a wedding only with full confidence that there is love, respect and compatibility. These are the foundations of family life, without which in any way.

Discuss family life

When the proposal is made, it is important to discuss with the partner all the nuances that are associated with cohabitation. In the future, this will help to avoid misunderstandings and major quarrels. It is worth deciding who will perform what duties, how finances will be distributed, how to raise children, what family traditions must be observed, and so on. You can discuss everything to the smallest detail, what comes to mind.

Preparing for family life is not wedding celebration, outfits, restaurant and beautiful photo shoot. You need to learn to get along together, be responsible for others and respect your partner. Only in this case can you get a strong and happy family.