When a child is born, any mother cannot for a second imagine a situation that they will ever conflict with this little man, with her own blood. It is especially important for a mother to maintain good friendly and trusting relationships with her daughter, because she is not just a mother's baby, regardless of her daughter's age, she is her little copy. But life is unpredictable, and sometimes it creates situations that you can fear or avoid at all costs. One of these situations is the appearance of grievances and feelings.

How to get rid of resentment towards the daughter?

Reasons for resentment against a daughter

The most difficult situation is when the mother's touchiness is out of the question, but this unpleasant feeling has arisen. At the same time, the mother constantly wonders why her daughter offends her? There can be many reasons for resentment towards a daughter, depending on the situations and the relationship between mother and daughter. The main reasons for resentment against a daughter can be divided into three large groups:

Having understood the reason for her feelings, the mother must decide how to get rid of resentment towards her daughter. Of course, if the cause of the offense is a misunderstanding, this issue is easily resolved - just talk heart to heart, sort out the current situation and laugh together. But when the cause is deeper, it is best to start solving the problem with itself.

For 10 years I treated my daughter purely formally, often offending her, sometimes very strongly. In moments of “education”, I could not stop myself, the flow of negativity and hatred became uncontrollable, offensive words spewed out of me, and in moments of calm, I was amazed at how it was possible to be so heartless and cold-blooded in relation to my own child!

“I don’t love my eldest daughter” - I lived with such a feeling as soon as my second child appeared. The eldest was then 5 when this feeling arose. Of course, like any “good” mother, I suppressed this thought in every possible way. What did I do instead? I bought her toys, branded clothes, sent her on vacation with her grandmother. With gifts, I quenched the feeling of guilt with money.

This went on until she was 15 years old, and I still did not find answers why this is happening to me?

For 10 years I treated my daughter purely formally, often offending her, sometimes very strongly. In moments of “education”, I could not stop myself, the flow of negativity and hatred became uncontrollable, offensive words spewed out of me, and in moments of calm, I was amazed at how you can be so heartless and cold-blooded in relation to your own child!

I moved away from my daughter, and she reached out to me, wanting to receive affection and love. According to the law of the sandwich, my daughter is kinesthetic, and bodily touch is as important to her as air. Everything about her annoyed me, I found fault with her because of every little thing. But then I began to notice that I especially “do not love” her in the presence of her husband.

So I suffered for 10 years. 10 years of tyranny and moral bullying you need yourself, a husband and a child.

It was embarrassing to go to a psychologist or confess to friends. Throughout my life I have always played the role of a successful businesswoman, a happy wife. It was unacceptable for me to introduce doubts into my history of a successful woman, an inner loser inflamed.

As a result, my daughter grew up a SACRIFICE. I constantly compared myself to other children and peers. Nobody liked her in the class, it was difficult for her to make friends. We changed 5 schools, thinking that the new school would accept and love her...

It was even more painful when my husband and mother asked me to be gentler and more patient with the child, not to show my strong love to another child. And it was simply unbearable when friends and teachers said that from the outside it was clear that I was biased and very strict about the eldest, especially in comparison with other children. If only they knew what was going on in my heart! Yes, I myself did not know what the hell was possessing me, and forcing me to do all these tricks.

As time went on, we survived transitional age when, with my fierce attitude, I forbade her to show me any manifestations of the “transition period”. I simply forbade my daughter's transition period, explaining that this was a sign of weakness and inability to control her emotions. After all, I, oh how good, “managed” my own!

© Magdalena Bernie

The time came when the guys began to appear, and then I clutched my head, because I realized that there was nothing I could do for my child to help her comfortably enter new stage her life is building relationships with the opposite sex. Fears began to overcome: the fear that she would stick to the first person she met in order to receive affection and love. Fear that it will be used and over time it will turn into someone clear. Fear of not being able to start a family….

There were many fears, and even more questions. I began to prepare myself for a visit to a psychologist, or maybe better, to a psychotherapist, because I understood that the problem, apparently, was still in me.

But what will I tell him? I don't love my daughter? By that time, I already had three of them. My head was full of confusion and I hated myself more and more every day. Feelings of guilt and resentment overwhelmed me, I sobbed for hours alone, blaming myself for all the sins, I wondered how God could give me children at all, and also three, if I can’t cope with the role of a good mother ??

One thing calmed me, the phrase that I heard "all the answers are inside you." I was in a hurry to find the answer because I had a conviction inside that if I found the answers before her 16th birthday, I could fix the situation! And the answer came. Came in the form of an application tool that helped me find all the answers WHY DID I NOT LOVE HER? WHY DID I NOT TAKE IT?

There is a wonderful Axiom "Everything that happens in my reality is the result of my subconscious desires." This axiom helped me to identify all my subconscious desires and transform them. It took me a year to complete the transformation work. A year of pleasant discoveries in myself and in my eldest daughter. The work continues, for too long I did not notice what a wonderful daughter I have: my first-born, my joy in life, my beauty!

Over the years of unconscious life, I have greatly broken her personality, one might say, erased it to nothing. In a couple of months, together with her, we restored her individuality, she and I learned to love ourselves just like that, we worked through a large number of unaccepted qualities, worked through fears and resentments ...

Our life has changed, it will never be the same again. We are enjoying new relationships that are getting better every day.

The main reason WHY I DID NOT LOVE HER was the resentment against her husband. Only in this way could I take revenge on him for the insults caused to me, through my daughter, who was his copy. As soon as I worked through the first grudge against him, for the first time I had a strong desire to hug my daughter, kiss her and just sit with her in silence. I have been depriving myself of this happiness for so long ...

Be happy, dear mothers! I sincerely wish you to find your answers in yourself with the help of my tool https://master-kit.info/kaz

Hello Irina.

It is very good that you noticed this and thought about the existing problem. This is already 50% success. Awareness alone helps change the situation. but often there are situations in our emotional life that we cannot handle. We seem to lose our heads and do stupid things, forgetting all our aspirations and desires.
This suggests that you yourself feel very bad and hurt, that you cannot fully realize your own needs and therefore satisfy them. Anger, irritation accumulates, sometimes fear and anxiety.
Exactly anxiety parents, the background surrounding the life of children makes them anxious too. The fact is that from the age of three years, children begin to experience characteristic periods of age. fears. This process is regular and natural. Fears arise in the imagination of the child, and he learns to endure them, and then cope with them and get rid of them. However, parents can interfere with this natural course. They can reinforce fears What prevents a child from enduring them can strengthen them, which makes it difficult to cope with them on their own or get support so that a small person can overcome fear with the help of a strong adult. Thus, natural age-related fears remain "not digested", accumulate and strengthen in the psyche.

Conflicts between parents naturally cause additional anxiety in children and increase their fears. The child may begin to feel that this is not his mom and dad, as he blames himself for their conflict and at the same time cannot accept this terrifying idea. He begins to fear that he will not be loved and abandoned, which means in his imagination the inevitable death. It may also be that the child continues to be disturbed by earlier fears that he has not yet managed to survive to the end, for example, fear darkness.
Your anxiety and imbalance associated with divorce and resentment against your husband is perceived by your daughter as a signal of dislike for her. Imagine that she is terrified that you will leave her. She still cannot realize this, but simply lives with this horror in her heart.
Of course, you can try to deceive her and show her that everything is in order with you, tell her about your love, but children are very perceptive and the daughter will inevitably feel the insincerity of your words. The best solution would be for you to contact a psychologist and work with your emotional state. This will not only help you get through the divorce and calm down, but it will also give your daughter a very important experience of positive feelings and emotional support.
Believe me, Irina, that now it is better for you to think about yourself than to try to force yourself to be the right mother.
If you can't find a good psychologist in your city, I will be glad to work with you via Skype.

Skype consulting, fortunately, allows you to talk with clients anywhere in the world. Among my clients there are many people living not only in different cities, but also in other countries. After all, it is best to talk about the innermost in your native language, and in a foreign country it is impossible even with an abundance of psychologists and psychotherapists.
You will need a good video link and one hour a week where you can talk freely without fear of being heard by anyone other than me.
Contact, call or sign up for a Skype consultation here on the site. There is no need to torture yourself in vain - it is enough to admit that not everything is within our power, and sometimes we need outside help.
Several conversations with a psychologist will help you realize what is bothering you, give you the opportunity to speak out and be heard, and therefore be understood by yourself. It is difficult to calm the nerves by willpower when the pain and despair caused by unconscious reactions remain in the soul. There is not and cannot be logic in them, you just need to accept and realize them. Attempts to act "correctly" will only aggravate your condition, since spiritual hunger cannot be satiated with logical food.

I wish you and your daughter peace and harmony with yourself, clarity of your thoughts and feelings, love and understanding.

Biryukova Anastasia, your Gestalt psychologist in person in St. Petersburg and on Skype.

My child is 3.5 years old. She apparently has the same crisis of 3 years, but it's not about her, but about me. She did not want to go to kindergarten in the morning, shed tears, I tried to translate everything into a game, somehow cheer her up. And she hit me hard. Like in the game, she did not expect. I was in pain and I burst into tears like a child, both from pain and from resentment. The daughter laughed at first, then worried, but did not apologize. And I was very offended and angry at her for this and for the fact that she did not obey me all morning. And now for five hours I have been in this stupid, childish state, and I cannot get out of it on my own. What to do?

TheSolution psychologist's answer:

Hello! Knowledge on the formation of skills to effectively influence children's behavior will help you. It is important for you to understand how your behavior affects your daughter's behavior. Let's figure this out.

family roles

In the family, everyone plays their own important role. A family is a subsystem in which there are 2 or more of its members: a man and a woman, their children. Other family members - grandparents, aunts, uncles, and so on, are not included in this subsystem. In any subsystem, each of its members plays a unique and important role: wife, husband, father, mother, son, daughter. Each rodi has its own functions, thanks to which the subsystem harmoniously exists and develops.
Adult members of the subsystem perform several roles simultaneously: husband and father, for example, or mother and wife. Children, on the other hand, are the younger and more vulnerable members of the subsystem, and the main task of parents is to provide them with protection, care and training in basic life skills. The Child should not play the role of the Parent in this subsystem, and the parents should not play the role of the Child. Although this happens quite often.
Parent (mother, father) - authoritative, knowledgeable, strong, intelligent, experienced, possessing life skills, responsible. The child is weak, inexperienced, poorly in control of his reactions, living by instincts, emotions, reacting spontaneously and openly, not bearing responsibility.

It is important for the child to know and feel that the Parent knows how to act and is in control of the situation.

It is important for the Parent to do this, then the Child will follow him as more experienced and, repeating his behavior patterns, learn independence and acquire the necessary life skills. Everything is like in the animal world: in order for the tiger cub to learn how to get food, he watches how his parents do it and repeats after them. Parents provide him with care and protection until he learns everything necessary for an independent life. People have the same thing: parents, by their example, teach the child to respond to different situations. life situations, interact with other people, with yourself, make decisions and so on.
What your daughter can teach Your reaction to her behavior - when offended, you need to be offended and cry. Children unconsciously copy their parents' behavior patterns.
In the Parent-Child relationship, the Parent is big, strong, who knows how to act, and the Child is weak and does not understand how to behave effectively. The child reacts somewhere instinctively (where he has not yet learned), but somewhere according to the parental example. And he expects that the Parent, taking into account his life experience and his knowledge, will influence the situation and teach him how to act effectively.

Be calm, confident and loving, and the child will follow you.

It is important to respect the child and not ignore his needs. Very often, the aggressive reaction of the child is due to the fact that the parents openly and directly do not respond to his needs. Show that you see and understand his feelings and his need, and only then lead a further dialogue. Diverting the child's attention, talking teeth, means ignoring his needs and his feelings. If attention one year old baby quite easy to switch and distract from his own emotions, then at the age of three and a half years the child already concentrates his attention quite well. And the more you distract him from his experiences, the more you ignore his need. That is why anger arises. Imagine that you are talking to a person about what is important to you, and he speaks your teeth and seeks to divert from the topic. What will you feel? Most likely an annoyance, to say the least. The child also feels the same, only he still does not know how to manage his emotions and situations as well as you do. And it entirely depends on you.

Teach your child effective behavior in a state of frustration

The state caused by the discrepancy between what is desired and what we have is called frustration. In a state of frustration, a person often experiences anger, and seeks to eliminate the cause of the obstacle to the desired. For a child, a parent is both an opportunity and an obstacle to getting what they want. It is important to respond correctly to the collapse of his hopes and expectations.
1. Communicate calmly and confidently. Show your child how much you love him. Best of all, your affectionate and strong hugs will show this. Hug the child, this will reduce his anxiety and establish a connection with him. Tactile contact, gentle touches and a soothing voice always reduce anxiety. Both in children and adults. It is important to take this step at the very beginning, when the situation has just arisen.
2. Look into the child's eyes, but not from top to bottom, but on an equal footing. Get him on your lap, sit next to him, or kneel in front of him so he doesn't feel pressured. The feeling of dominance includes defensive reactions. The child will be protected.
3. Communicate with the child respectfully. Adjust to his intonation, so he will better perceive what you said. Show that you see, understand and respect his feelings: “I see that you are upset that now you need to go to Kindergarten. You don't want to do this. I understand you". You show respect for the child's feelings and teach them to express emotions with words when they name them.
4. If this did not calm the child, explain to him the need for these actions, as an adult, but in words understandable to a three-year-old child: “You will stay in kindergarten while I am at work. And in the evening we go for a walk together.
5. Repeat the first step.
6. If the child is still angry and directs anger at you, tell him about your feelings in connection with his behavior, using “I-statements”: “It hurts and makes me angry when someone hits me (bites, throws toys …)”, “I am very unhappy when they beat me.” Speak in your own name, using the pronouns "h", "me", "me". Speaking of her: “You offended me”, “You are a bad girl - you beat your mother”, “You should not beat your mother, this is bad”, you criticize the child, thereby stimulating his defensive reactions in the form of screaming, biting, pinching, throwing and etc.
7. If a child is systematically dissatisfied with having to go to kindergarten, figure out what the reason is. Perhaps he is offended there, or he is very tired from classes. The aggression of the child is a sign that he is uncomfortable and ill for some reason.
8. It is impossible to punish a child in such a situation!! So you teach him to ignore himself and his needs. In the future, this will lead to serious behavioral consequences and difficulties in the life of the child.
No repetition is needed. Until the child learns to express emotions through words and put up with the collapse of plans and hopes, it is important for him to help him with this through such behavior. I must say that the same rules work well with adults.