Olga Davydova, an expert at the MENTORI National Mentoring Resource Center of Rybakov Fonda, tells the story.

Adequate self-esteem is what determines the success (and happy comfort, which is much more important) of a child in studies, hobbies, communication with peers, classmates, friends and parents.

When it comes to the current generation, you can hear two opposing points of view. First: “Oh, these introverted children, they sit at home and don’t show their nose out the door.” The second: “Oh, these impudent youth, they should take the crown off their heads!”

Method 1: Check if the conditions are too high

If your child is showing anxiety symptoms (such as "I'm nothing", depression, secretiveness, cynicism), first analyze the cause. It may be trite that your requirements are simply incommensurable with the possibilities.

In grades 5-6, Olya was an excellent student and a favorite of teachers. The frank dislike of the whole class did not prevent her from participating in competitions and furiously pulling her hand before anyone else, annoying with the questions “What's next?”. Nevertheless, both Olya herself and her parents understood that the “best” position was rather situational, and the interpersonal relationships that developed in the class (it came to fights with the “upstart”) would not lead to good. Olya was transferred to a gymnasium in a neighboring city, the program of which was distinguished by an increased level of complexity. And what do you think? In the 7th grade, Olya began to have problems with self-esteem. And how did you want? 30 people in the class, and all the "geniuses", "upstarts" and activists.

Think that perhaps it’s just that your child’s environment has changed: you transferred him to a lyceum, the class became specialized - mathematical, classmates go to a tutor without exception in English. A teenager may quite rightly develop an inferiority complex. Do not make excessive demands on him and never compare with others in his favor. Analyze the situation together.

Method 2. Opinion of peers

For teenagers, the opinion of peers is the truth in the highest instance. So if "Katya, Vasya and Mark said that I look like an idiot," then your opinion is unlikely to help correct the situation. Exhortations in the style of "Who do you trust more?" won't help. Your child trusts you, but the youth around trusts you. And you shouldn't blame him for it. If appearance really affects the self-esteem of your teenager, it is better to meet him halfway. But only if he can reason why green color he needs hair, not his classmates.

Think at the family council what is more important to you: a downtrodden teenage girl with a killed self-esteem or the principles that torn jeans or informal clothes are not for the Ivanov family. The child will outgrow the color of the hair, and the corsets, and the ears on the rim.

Another case is if there is real bullying at school. For nationality, for funny speech defects, for being an excellent student / thin / fat - the choice of children is cruel and specific. Take a closer look at who your teen hangs out with, and if you find out that his low self-esteem is the result of targeted bullying, then simply transfer him to another school. The psyche of children breaks down very easily, so a new round of the war for justice can be postponed, it is better to act.

Method 3. Praise

Do you like it when your boss praises you? Let him not give an increase, let KPIs not be met, as they are shamelessly overpriced! But one small "Clever!" and “Thank you, you are a real leader” make you smile and be sincerely happy for yourself. And after all, mind you, bosses do not praise just like that - only for deeds.

The same with teenagers. For the good - praise, for the unworthy - scold, so as not to bring down the value orientations. The main thing - never get personal, talk only about actions. Not "Sasha, you're an idiot", but "Sasha, it was very unwise to forget the keys to the house." And not “Katya, don’t act like a fool!”, But “Katya, it doesn’t suit you at all to be killed like that because of the four.”

“Can’t you, or what?”, “Even Sasha from a neighboring yard can, get together!”, “Is that how girls behave?”

Firstly, any gender binding of the qualities “You are a girl, be careful”, “You are a boy, be stronger” damages the child’s self-awareness. You have to be neat and strong, because you are a good person, "my beloved son" and "I'm worried about you."

Secondly, any comparison with another child/person deals a huge blow to self-esteem. Never compare those you love with another object of attention. If your husband tells you: “Sveta, don’t doubt yourself, you are beautiful, here is Katya, my colleague, she has no doubts, she is always confident and therefore attracts attention!” - it is unlikely to cheer you up. What is Katya? Why is Katya here? Why should I be like Katya?

How to do it

Depending on the age of the child, you have two behaviors: “Come on together” and “You will definitely succeed, let's try again, and if anything, I will help you.”

If the child is not old enough, you can try to overcome difficulties together. If we are talking about a teenager, then you should not do for your son or daughter what he or she can do on their own. Such a struggle with difficulties will not benefit self-esteem, since the feeling of satisfaction from solving a difficult task will not come. You can prompt and direct, but support should not be excessive.

Method 5. Develop your talent

Every person has a talent, or, in the language of entrepreneurs, a competitive advantage. You can endlessly try to improve what does not work out - this was discussed in the previous paragraph about overcoming difficulties. But strengthening the "favorite" sides is your chance to have a self-confident child.

So, if your child draws well, send him to courses, and if he loves football, sign up for a team and find a good coach. If you are good at sewing yourself, start making designer toys and share your success with your friends. If you are good at photography, go to a city or studio photo session

3. Go to a workshop, learn how to make something unusual: colored cupcakes, tin crafts, woolen toys, whatever!

4. Go to the theater or museum, always in the company, so that later you can discuss what you see. Try writing an essay on the same topic.

5. Sign up for a gym, start running, or work out at home. Daily pride for the difficulties you have overcome is provided to you.

6. Do something that is not typical for you: go to the shooting gallery, shoot from the bow, if you are already an enviable "silovik", then go to the ball - a historical reenactment.

7. Get yourself a hobby. Not a temporary hobby, but a favorite thing. Write poems, draw by numbers, cook new dishes every week. Collecting is also, of course, a hobby, but it is better if it is creative, not consumer.

8. Smile more often. Our brain reacts positively even to a “fake” smile.

9. Talk to people who love you. Talk about everything that surrounds you, what happened during the day, what you read in the book. Organize family meetings and a discussion club a couple of times a week.

10. Get a "Notebook of Success" or several different checklists with challenges to yourself. Write down in a notebook everything that happened, even if it's some kind of trifle. Sheets can be thematic: “10 places in hometown Where I've Been", "30 New Words I've Learned", "10 New Books to Read", "5 Bad Habits I'm Struggling With". A banal checkmark next to a random item improves your mood, believe me!

Self-esteem in children begins to form even before school. The development of a child's self-esteem depends mainly on his environment and how his parents raise him. If parents try to understand the child, support him if necessary, show care and consistently build the process of education, then the child develops adequate self-esteem. Before school and in junior school age It is very important for a child to feel secure. In family, kindergarten, primary school with a sense of security, the child already makes decisions independently; if necessary, do not hesitate to ask for help; can admit their mistakes. When a child develops adequate self-esteem, he respects others, can calmly accept the help of others and begins to value himself as a person.

One of the types of inadequate self-esteem is referred to as excessive self-esteem. It manifests itself in the form of disrespect for others, neglect of peers, classmates. He ridicules the joy of other children's accomplishments. During joint games, he tries to control other children, considering himself a leader. If the team does not recognize him as a leader, he can become very emotional, up to hysteria. With self-esteem, the child does not notice his weaknesses.

Another type of inadequate self-esteem is called low self-esteem. With low self-esteem, the child may experience anxiety, not believe that he can do something on his own, does not believe in his own strength. Such a child is initially set up for failure. He may not trust people, he may be afraid that he will be offended, offended.

These children experience loneliness in children's team, they avoid common games, do not take part in any activities. In the event of conflict situations, they do not find support among the children. Children with low self-esteem develop attitudes such as: he is worse than others, he cannot do anything on his own, if he does it himself, then nothing good will come of it. This negatively affects the development of the child's self-esteem.

When does low self-esteem develop in a child? If parents and teachers often use in a conversation “you never succeed”, “you don’t know how, let me”, “you can’t”, etc. All this leads to the fact that the child begins to believe that he is not able to do it on his own . The child may develop an inferiority complex.

In parents and educators another very important point- it is necessary to evaluate not a person, but only an act committed by a child.

I also recommend not to compare the child with other children. For example: with an excellent student in the class or with a sports boy from a neighboring entrance, a diligent girl from the top floor. At the same time, you can assume that your child will start to study better, become involved in sports and behave diligently. But often this leads to a decrease in self-esteem in a child. He begins to envy the child with whom he is compared, and also very often feels a sense of hatred for him.

How to boost your child's self-esteem

What is needed to increase self-esteem in a child?

There is a conviction among psychologists that it is necessary to raise the culture of the population. The task of adults is to respectfully communicate with others, including children. In this article I will outline only a number of techniques that will increase self-esteem in children 6-8 years old.

An adult should always support the child when he has a desire to do something on his own, if there is no threat to the life and health of the child. Say to the child such phrases: “Of course, you will succeed; you can; if you need my help, tell me…”

1. If the child is interested in something, then we speak positively. When a child wants to become someone, we say: “You can become a great dancer; an outstanding artist; folk singer; etc. So you keep the child's desire to go to your dream, your goal.
2. I suggest that you always sincerely rejoice with your child and be sure to praise him for excellent, good grades when he does interesting craft, pay attention to something beautiful and unusual, draw a bright picture ...
3. Say such phrases: “I love you very much!”, “I believe in you!”, “I am proud of you!”.
4. If you gave something to a child, you must understand that it is now his. You have no right to take this thing back from him.
5. In the event that you and your child have established a trusting relationship, he can share his difficulties and failures. It is necessary to analyze the problem together with him, how it was formed, what it depends on, how the child relates to what is happening and what ways out of the situation he sees .... By this, the child feels the closeness of your relationship and trust in you. It is very important that such conversations should take place in a calm, friendly atmosphere!
6. In various situations, parents or teachers can ask the child for advice. With a properly built relationship, the child will absolutely seriously tell you his version. When you carefully listen to the child and thank him, the child understands that he is respected, treated as an equal to himself, his opinion is important!

Each of us, an adult citizen of our country, showing by personal example, respectful communication with others, including children, forms an adequate self-esteem of the child. With well-built good and trusting relationships with children, parents and teachers help children gain a sense of self-worth, confidence in themselves and their abilities.

PHOTO Getty Images

V adolescence dependence on self-esteem is extremely high, much more than adults think. Today, girls and boys are under a lot of pressure to meet media standards of beauty and physical perfection. Dove brand research has revealed this pattern: while only 19% of teenage girls are overweight, 67% believe they need to lose weight. And there are real problems behind these numbers.

Girls use unhealthy methods to lose weight (pills, fasting), and boys take drugs to help build muscle mass. Because of the complexes, adolescents behave in society constrained, insecure and try to avoid communication even with their peers. Children who hear ridicule addressed to them, transfer anger to themselves and their physical "shortcomings", become embittered, secretive.

Do not wait for the child to outgrow these complexes. Better try to help.

Talk frankly

To talk to a teenager, you need to understand his experiences. Remember yourself at his age and your experiences. You were shy, and maybe even hated yourself, considered yourself clumsy, fat, ugly. Looking back at our childhood, we are used to remembering solid joys, forgetting about difficulties and troubles. And the child feels that in comparison with his parents he lives wrong.

Praise out loud

Mention in the conversation how you see the child in Everyday life highlighting his best features. This will give the teenager the support he needs so much. If the child is ridiculed, he becomes withdrawn, and if the child is encouraged, he learns to believe in himself.

Praise not only for appearance! In addition to compliments on appearance, it is useful for a child to hear praise from parents for their actions. Appreciate the effort that the child makes to achieve the goal, not the result. Explain that not everything always works out the way you want. But if you focus on every failure, it will not bring you closer to success.

Treat yourself gently

Mothers should not criticize their reflection in the mirror in the presence of their teenage daughter, complain about circles under their eyes, overweight. It is better to talk with her about how the girl's body is changing, what a beautiful walk and smile she has. Share with your daughter a story about how you were unhappy with yourself at her age. Tell us how you were able to survive the influence from the outside or how someone significant to you was able to cope with the complexes. Another important point is modeling: give your child the opportunity to observe that you treat yourself well, value yourself, take care of yourself.

Form a value system

Explain to your child that judging a person by their appearance is superficial. Do not criticize others in the presence of the child, he should not take part in such conversations or be a witness to them. The child's mind is very receptive, and the teenager will project onto himself criticism directed at others.

Explain that we are defined not so much by appearance as by personal qualities and inner world.

Discussing external features, we fall into a certain system of stereotypes and become dependent on them. And it turns out that not “I live”, but “I live”. "I live" - ​​imposed dimensions, parameters and ideas about how I should look.

Find the virtues

Teenagers, on the one hand, want to be like everyone else, and on the other hand, they want to be different and stand out. Teach your child to be proud of their skills, features and virtues. Ask him what is unique about each of his family members or friends. Let him name his virtues and figure out how to emphasize them.

Explain that it is not so much our appearance that defines us, but our personal qualities and inner world, character traits, our skills, talents, hobbies and interests. Theater, music, dance, sports - any hobby will help you stand out from the crowd and help develop a sense of confidence.

Cultivate media literacy

Help your child develop a critical eye which will help not to take everything for granted. Discuss whether it's fair to compare real people to artificial images, and be sure to emphasize the importance of respecting and appreciating what makes us unique.

Let's have a say

Encourage your child to have an opinion and express it. Ask more often what your son or daughter wants, allow them to make their own choices, and help bring ideas to life. This gives you a chance to believe in yourself and grow into a self-confident person in the future.

About the expert

Larisa Anatolyevna Karnatskaya- Psychologist, Associate Professor of the Moscow Socio-Pedagogical Institute, Dove brand expert on self-confidence among teenage girls, member of the Global Advisory Board of the Dove Self-Esteem Foundation. As part of the Dove Self-esteem "For True Beauty" program, professional psychologists and brand experts conduct a series of lessons to increase self-esteem and increase self-confidence. In 2016, the geography of classes will expand, and this time they will be held in 39 cities of Russia.

As a child and family psychologist, I am often approached by adults who cannot build their lives the way they want.

- They feel embarrassed when they are complimented and justified: "C'mon, nothing like that".
- They are embarrassed to once again express their opinion and are silent, although they have something to say.
– They cannot stand up for themselves and protect their interests when they are treated unfairly.
- They allow themselves to be offended, and sometimes even humiliated.
- Can't speak "Not".
– They cannot ask for help and do not care about their mental and physical health.

And do you know what is the reason? In their low self-esteem!
After all, if a person is unsure of himself, it is easy to manage and manipulate him, to use him in his own interests.

It is known that the attitude towards oneself is formed in childhood and then, in adulthood, it is quite difficult to change it.

What do children often think about themselves?

For 20 years practical work I had to work with children different ages and with completely different problems. In this work, it is always important to know what the child's attitude towards himself is: what he thinks about himself, how he perceives himself.

Here is a typical dialogue:

Tell me about yourself, what is your personality?
- Sloppy.
- And what else?
- I do not know.
- And if you think more?
- Inattentive.
- And what else?
- Stubborn, stupid.
– What do you like about yourself? What are you?
– Normal. Do not know.

A sad conversation ... It is easier for a child to talk badly about himself than well!

“Dumb, slob, inattentive, stupid, lazy, fool, fighter, you only cause problems, you are not capable of anything”- the child constantly hears these words addressed to him from adults and begins to believe in them himself: ((

I recommend that parents pay great attention to the self-esteem of the child - this is the key to his psychological and mental health now and in the future

5 Reasons Your Child Has Low Self-Esteem

Some words and actions of parents can have a very negative impact on a child's self-esteem.

1. Unconstructive criticism of the child

This is when parents only talk about his shortcomings, not noticing what he did well. And also, if they do not explain HOW specifically the child can correct and improve their result / work, etc.

2. "Look how Vasya did well"

Do not set the child as an example of other children! This does not motivate him at all, but only offends and makes him doubt your love.

3. Overprotective

Do not do for the child what he can already do for himself and do not interfere unnecessarily when he is trying to master something on his own.
Being overprotective and controlling makes children feel like they can't do anything and shouldn't even try.

4. Public remarks

If you want to reprimand a child, do it privately, without witnesses. There is no need to shame and criticize him “in public” - this is humiliating and “hit” hard on his self-esteem.

5. Pay attention to label words

Labels are sometimes “sticky” to a child in a family: “Caprizulya”, “Roar-Koreva”, “Cry-baby”, “Angry”, “Brawler”, “Slob”, etc.
All of them negatively affect the child's self-esteem and have undesirable long-term consequences.

How to tell if your child has low self-esteem

Read the phrases that suggest that the child has low self-esteem and is NOT confident in himself:

• I still can't do anything.
• It's useless.
• I won't even try.
• I'm afraid to do something wrong.
• Let others decide.
• What difference does it make what I think.
• I am worse than others.
• I'm not pretty / I'm not smart / I'm not interesting.
• I'm ugly / I'm stupid / I'm stupid ...

Here are some other situations that show that the child lacks confidence in himself and his abilities:

• Doesn't know how to lose, "crazes" when others win.
• Quickly abandons undertakings.
• Cries if something doesn't work out for him;
• Afraid and unwilling to try new things.
• He is very worried about mistakes, reproaches himself.
• Shy and shy when communicating with adults or children.

If you recognize your child in these examples, it will be useful for you to attend my webinar

Simple Ways to Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem

The child forms an opinion about himself and his self-esteem, relying on what mom and dad say about him.

It is important that he hears not only comments and criticism, but also other, positive words addressed to him.

Examples of positive messages to a child:

1. Tell him adjectives that describe the strengths of his character:

2. Periodically tell your child just like that, for no reason, words expressing unconditional acceptance:

“I love you”, “I am happy that I have you”, “You are wonderful, “We have been waiting for you for so long”, “I understand you”, “I am so glad to see you”, etc.;

3. Say thanks to him:

“I thank you for…”, “Thank you for…”;

4. Praise by naming specific actions of the child:

“It’s nice that you cleaned up after yourself”, “Well done, that you yourself collected a briefcase without reminders”, “I see that you dressed yourself, well done.”

It would seem - such simple simple things, right?

But many adults forget about it ((

Why does a child have good self-esteem?

Good, adequate self-esteem is important for a child to:

- Learn new things
- Communicate with peers;
- Be successful in school
- protect yourself;
— Defend your rights and interests;
- Build relationships with the opposite sex when you grow up;
- Choose your favorite thing to do.

After the webinar you will know:

– How to raise a child as a self-confident person with good, adequate self-esteem;
How to teach not to give up in the face of difficulties;
– How to help him to believe in his strengths and abilities;

– How to teach how to lose and not “go crazy” because of a loss;
– How to boldly take on new things and learn from mistakes, and not be afraid of them;
– Be persistent, purposeful and maximize your potential.

The material is suitable for parents of children of ALL ages. Plenty awaits you practical advice which you will be able to.

: Reading time:

How to teach a child to adequately evaluate himself so that he can be critical of the assessments of peers, teachers - and then colleagues and boss. Tells family psychologist Maria Samotsvetova.

Self-esteem, self-representation, self-criticism, self-image. These characteristics are inherent in all people, and therefore, children too. Comparison, evaluation is the basis of self-representation of children and adults about themselves. Analyzing ourselves and others, we can conclude: we are better, worse, on a par.

And here it is worth immediately and strongly making a reservation: comparing yourself with others is useful only if your self-esteem and self-image are adequate and real. In this case, the comparison will provoke changes in the desired direction.

Compare the child only with himself (with his previous results)

In children, self-representation and self-esteem have not yet been formed, therefore, the most important rule: do not intentionally compare your children with others, only with yourself! I used to write a dictation for two, but now for three - well done, clever, success! Because he grew above himself, and did not grow up to Petya, Katya or Tanya. Children need to form an attitude: they should not reach out to others, but to the best version of themselves. Perhaps the "best version" of a child can write a dictation for a four with a minus, and never a five. Then citing excellent students as an example will be fatal.

A fish will not become a bird, no matter how you motivate it to do so. A turnip will not grow from a sown carrot. But you can care for and watch a carrot so much that carrots grow out of it - the champion of the agricultural exhibition, the best carrot! So, every child is a unique fruit of love (whether a vegetable or a fruit), and the task of parents is to make him the best in his unique kind, and not to make him different, like someone else.

In most cases, low self-esteem in a child is a consequence of frequent comparison, citing other children as an example.

The lack of comparison in early and school childhood contributes to the development of adequate self-esteem in the child. Underestimated, as well as overestimated self-esteem, are not adequate. Yes, we are all different, and someone is better than another in something, but this does not mean that this someone is better than you as a person.

If we are talking about increasing self-esteem in children, then we mean that it is underestimated (that is, inadequate), and it must be returned to its previous, adequate level. In most cases, low self-esteem in a child is a consequence of frequent comparison, citing other children as an example. The child hears in this not “reach out to Petya, I know you can” (which, I hope, parents mean), but “Petya is good, and you are so-so”, “how lucky Petya’s parents were that he was born to them , and I ... well ... this is my cross and carry it to me. Such conclusions have never spurred anyone to become better. And in general, the idea of ​​“to become better, to be loved and not abandoned” is destructive and dysfunctional in itself.

Assess the child's ability

Suppose you stopped comparing your child with Petya and citing Katya as an example, and he has not yet received an Olympic medal and a Nobel Prize in one year, what should I do? Get to know your child better! Perhaps he is neither an athlete nor a scientist. Yes, all parents want smart, funny, perky (best!) children. But it will be much better for the child, and for you, and for your relationship if you accept the uniqueness and its imperfection.

Get to know the child, take a closer look at him, at least for a week lower the requirements and notice his individual characteristics: something is easier, something more difficult, something he will never master. And that's okay! Recognizing your child's characteristics will allow you to be a more flexible parent in terms of requirements and expectations. For example, your child has never been an athlete (and then you can already lag behind him with sports achievements, and enjoy the top three in physical fitness), but he is a sensitive musician (and then you can push with the requirements in music).

Rejoice in small successes

To increase self-esteem in children, it is very important to sincerely rejoice at their, even minimal, successes. Sincerely! See, notice the slightest changes in better side, to show the child how his work (both targeted and not very) brings results: “Look, you have been cycling all summer, and now you ran the fastest cross-country in the class.”

And if before school he was sure that he was the best, then by the end of the first quarter he would understand that this was most likely not the case.

The child may not be aware of such subtle logical consequences, the task of the parent is to unobtrusively show them to him: “Now we are skating with you, and all your classmates are reading Snowstorm to prepare for the essay. And you read it in the summer, and how you resisted, how you didn’t want to! But the deed is done, and now they are free. So parents need to encourage not only the result itself, but also the efforts made to achieve it.

Praise for specific deeds, then “overpraise” will not work

An obligatory point in the formation of adequate self-esteem in children is praise. Some parents are afraid to praise their children; suddenly they become arrogant, and suddenly we overpraise them. It is impossible to overpraise if you praise the child for something real, concrete, for deeds, achievements, work. Not just “you are my smartest”, but “you memorize poems and songs so well!”.

The child does not grow up in a vacuum, the social environment very quickly confronts him with reality. And if before school he was sure that he was the best, then by the end of the first quarter he would understand that this was most likely not the case. This can be a painful experience that hurts self-esteem, so you need to praise, but for something, and not just like that.

Take into account age: the baby's self-esteem may be overestimated, the teenager needs to be supported

It is important to note the various stages in the development of self-esteem in relation to age, to know them and take them into account.

The only child in the family before the age of three has no concept of self-assessment at all - he is the center of the universe of a large family. At the age of three, he goes to the garden, and then he realizes that in some ways he is better, and in some ways worse than other children. The task of parents at this stage is to tell the child that all people are different, and yes, they differ from each other in different ways, this is normal! Apples on one apple tree are also all different. Inflated self-esteem childhood is adequate, that is, it is normal if the child thinks of himself better than he is.

In adolescence, adequate self-esteem is very unstable and unstable: today I am a “beauty queen”, and tomorrow I “feel ugly”. The task of parents at this stage is to be a model of stability, and repeat to such a teenager every day that “you are very attractive, sweet, natural, and simply beautiful when you smile, and in general, I always like you and anyone.” For a teenager to form adequate self-esteem, it is important to know that his parents love him, even when he does not love himself.

Check your self-esteem with an exercise

An example of a completed exercise

Look at the scale of happiness - how the child feels. You can ask: “What should happen in order for there to be more happiness, at least by one division? What is going to happen?". If the child answers this question “to buy a prefix or tablet”, then everything is fine, you can sleep peacefully. If the child answers “so that mom and dad stop swearing,” then I am waiting for you at the reception.