Dear V.!

Your desire to establish contact with your parents, despite the grievances inflicted on you, causes great respect and testifies to your spiritual maturity. You have not disclosed anything about yourself and your family, so it is not possible to give you specific advice and the answer will be general.

New relationships can be created even if you are still living in your parents' house and at their expense, and even more so if you are already leading an independent life. In Jewish law, there are a number of rules for honoring parents (cf. Respect for parents), but each family is different and only you can decide how to apply them in your circumstances. Remember that even external manifestations of respect usually help to build relationships with people and change yourself.

To forge a good relationship It is very important to internally accept your parents and forgive them. Most likely, they loved you in their own way, but did not know how to express their feelings. Even if you had the feeling that you grew up on your own, most likely it is not entirely true: after all, no one Small child cannot survive without constant and devoted care from parents (or people who replace them). Most likely, this feeling is caused by the lack of a strong emotional connection between you, which, unfortunately, is typical for many Soviet and post-Soviet families. It must be remembered that Soviet youth were not taught family life, so everything was done there “as it should be”: marriages were created, children were born and raised, fragile family unions. Few of our parents were lucky enough to grow up in warm and close-knit families, and even fewer of them managed to pass this warmth on to their children. Complete ignorance in the formation of the personality of the child led to the fact that insulting labels were hung on children without restrictions, parental tension caused by a hard life was broken on them, insults and criticism rained down. And if one of the children was given preference over brothers and sisters, no one bothered to hide it. And in other children, this, of course, caused jealousy and a feeling of rejection.

It is clear that it is very difficult for a person who has grown up with such a feeling to get rid of it in adulthood. This is available only to those who are ready to treat their parents from the standpoint of an adult, re-evaluate their actions towards themselves, as if from the outside, and on these foundations already build a new level of relations: not according to the “parent-child” hierarchy, but as equal individuals, "adult - adult". To do this, you need to do inner work - get rid of old ideas about yourself, find positive qualities in yourself, feel worthy of respect. The self-esteem of the child is completely formed under the influence of the people around him, mainly parents, closest friends and authoritative educators. Therefore, the wounds inflicted by parents hurt all my life, and the complexes caused by their careless words sit deep in our subconscious, sometimes preventing us from fully developing our positive qualities or, on the contrary, spurring everything to new and new achievements in an attempt to prove to ourselves and to others that "I'm worth something too." Without getting rid of this approach, it is difficult to change habitual relationships.

You should also reconsider your attitude towards your brother and, if bitterness is mixed with him, try to get rid of it. After all, he is most likely not to blame for the fact that his parents “chosen” him. And if it seems to you that he did something for this, in the end, he, like any child, wanted to get more mean parental attention ...

Then other feelings can come: gratitude to your parents for everything that has been done for you, even if it seems to you that this was not much; understanding their difficulties; sympathy and pity. If you remember that respect for your parents is not a fear of their power, but a fundamental commandment of the Creator, it will be much easier for you to show it. The desire to understand them will make it easier for you to see what help or moral support they need and give it. Concern for their well-being will strengthen love and affection. Remember also that parents and their attitude towards you, most likely, cannot be changed, and do not despair if all efforts to establish contact will come only from your side. Through this hard and selfless work, you will feel that you yourself are getting better, making an invaluable contribution to your own future.

I'm 14. For several months now, thoughts of suicide have been in my head (probably my roof has already gone) There are terrible problems at school. Friends do not understand, do not communicate with me. Parents don't care. Sometimes I wonder why they gave birth to so many children, if they are not interested in the problems of a single child, they only buy all sorts of gifts of sweets and all that while they walk around. And I really want everything to be as it was before, when we walked together in the park, went to the cinema, when after school mom and dad picked me up and we went somewhere to eat together. Now if I say something or do something wrong, then my parents and older sister start "you got it from your girlfriends", "don't talk to me" If I had girlfriends, I would grab something from them. Ingoda I want to tell them, but I'm afraid that suddenly they won't want to listen, or there won't be time again. I don’t see my dad at all, in the morning I leave, he wakes up, when he comes, I’m already going to bed. Only on weekends, and then on weekends, he tries to leave. Mom discusses everything only with her sister, but it’s as if I’m not in the house, and I only find out everything the latest. I do not know what to do. I so want to run away
Support the site:

Di , age: 01/14/2016

Responses:

Hello! According to your letter, it is clear that the parents are too busy with work, household chores, household chores. Try to help them with something! Do not worry and talk to your mother, tell how you want her warmth, attention, agree to go shopping or to the cinema together! In fact, sometimes adults forget to just say good word, or smile affably, but they get tired, they want to earn money for food, clothes, study, so it’s better to talk frankly and discuss all the problems. Good luck!

Irina, age: 28 / 10.01.2016

Try to find something for the soul, sports, needlework or something else, there will be less time for resentment and friends of interest will appear, your parents love you, do not doubt it, come to your mother, hug her and say that you miss her attention, everything will be fine, you have your whole life ahead of you.

Lisa, age: 40 / 01/10/2016

Hey! You don't have to think about suicide anyway. These thoughts are empty and harmful. They must be cut off immediately.
You grow up and change. But this does not mean that the attitude of your parents towards you has also changed. They love you just like before. It seems to me that one should not be afraid to approach and talk heart to heart. You ask your mother when she will have time to talk. Tell me how you feel. Sharing experiences is okay. Maybe mom was tired, or she had some problems at work, or there were a lot of worries. Try to help mom, participate in household chores. And be sure to talk, talk about your desires and experiences. Well, mom also ask how she feels, how to help her, if she is sad.
And then when there are a lot of children, mothers also have all sorts of difficult conditions. When everyone wants something from mom, and she is already emotionally just exhausted, and she herself needs someone to take her to the park to go sledding.
Try to notice the state of loved ones. Interested in what happens to them. What are they worried about, what are they worried about.
Well, what the comments do - they worry about you. They don't want you to become rude or indifferent.
Don't be afraid, everything is fine. But it is necessary to talk about everything. And then you are sad, and your mother does not even realize that you feel so bad. Or mom is sad, and no one will ask her why she is sad.
Nothing, everything will be fine.
And with dad, maybe ask to go somewhere for the weekend together. Tell him that you really want to go with him, as before. Say that you miss him, and you really miss communicating with him. Be sure to talk about your feelings, then people will understand you better. Don't keep everything to yourself.

Olya, age: 42 / 01/10/2016

Daughter! Well, how cute are you! :)
Well, we make all the mistakes, we live in a fuss, we do not have time. You see, you have already understood that you need to be attentive to your loved ones. You are still a child, but as you can see, your parents and sister are gradually starting to treat you like an adult, and you don’t want to part with your childhood, and you don’t want to feel like a child.
You must have used the word with passion. You just want to be paid attention to, regretted, hugged, understood and regretted that they paid little attention and warmth. But you used a bad word, as a curse. Our brain knows how to throw nonsense out of our heads if we tell it strictly about it and switch our attention to something else, more interesting and important.
I think your parents love you very much and you never want to hurt them very much. Well, if it seems to you that they don’t understand you at all, try talking to other reliable relatives, teachers at school. But be honest with yourself! If you are drawn to dramaturgy, then read the Russian classics.
You will have a long and bright life! Your parents themselves will turn to you more than once for advice, and you will willingly and calmly help them.
Be happy!

Methods of suicide

Suicide methods. Suicide without rose-colored glasses

Famous Hollywood actress Lupe Velez, who was 36 years old, decided to commit suicide. A man of creative profession, she came up with beautiful way suicide to die in the prime of his beauty and glory. She surrounded her bed with flowers, showered, put on her favorite blue negligee. She washed down a bunch of pills with expensive cognac and lay down on a luxurious bed. Then things didn't go according to plan...

A spoiled child brings parents a lot of problems. Arranging whims, he achieves his goal and feels power over his parents, who indulge him in everything. The result of such behavior of parents will not keep you waiting. As soon as they try to forbid something to the child, he immediately applies the proven method and arranges another tantrum until he achieves his goal again.

It gets worse when parents can't or won't admit that their child is spoiled and it's time to take action. Many parents do not pay attention to the excessively capricious behavior of the baby. However, such children face problems in the future. adulthood. That is why parents are responsible for understanding the problem in time and trying to solve it.

Is your child spoiled?

Here are the top 12 distinctive features the behavior of these children. If you are familiar with at least a few, then be sure to read the advice of a psychologist at the end of the article.

1. The child does not want to share anything with others.

The selfishness of spoiled children makes them act only in their own interests, because they are used to getting everything they need. Of course, such a baby will categorically protest if he has to share something of his own with someone, whether it be his favorite toys, some kind of treat or the attention of his parents.

2. Frequent tantrums

Babies up to 3-4 years old are naughty and throw tantrums, because they have not yet learned how to express their feelings in a different way. However, frequent tantrums in older children are a cause for concern, because with their help the child simply manipulates the parents.

3. Strong dependence on parents

You feel sorry for the child if he does not want to stay with his grandmother, does not want to fall asleep alone, or is nervous about the need to visit kindergarten. If this is repeated too often, then there is reason to think about his spoiledness. Growing up, the child must learn to feel comfortable around other people.

4. Demands to cook his favorite food

Of course, sometimes children can be naughty about food. However, if your baby regularly refuses to eat ordinary food and requires special dishes to be prepared especially for him every day, then he is clearly spoiled.

5. Constantly expresses dissatisfaction

Another sign of spoiledness is frequent dissatisfaction with something. The kid constantly reports that he does not like toys, that he does not want to wear such clothes, that he is tired of eating soup or walking in this park. The situation is aggravated when a neighbor's child has some new interesting thing- in this case, the spoiled child will certainly demand to buy the same one.

6. Never helps

After 3-4 years, the child should be gradually taught to clean up toys after himself. If mom continues to do everything for him, in the end he will get used to it and will think that this is how it should be, and he is not obliged to help anyone in anything.

7. Rudeness and rudeness

Satisfying, parents develop in him a consumer attitude towards adults. As a result, the child ceases to respect them. And why speak politely if they will eventually fulfill all the requirements anyway. Sometimes this leads to manifestations of rudeness and rudeness on the part of the child.

8. The kid often has to be persuaded

A spoiled child does not recognize that parents or grandparents need to be obeyed. It is not surprising that their demands for him are empty words. After such demands and requests, the child, out of habit, begins to act up, manipulating adults. In order to achieve at least something from him, parents have to go to persuasion.

9 Adult Manipulation

Spoiled children easily find in the family an object for manipulation, with which their favorite ways to achieve their own always work: whims, tears, hysteria, etc. For example, if dad does not respond to such manifestations, the baby will definitely go to mom or grandmother, he will be rude and obsessive, with tears and tantrums, ask for something until he gets his way. In this case, the baby can use other means of manipulation. For example, tell your grandmother that he loves her the most. As a rule, such love quickly passes to someone else if you can’t get what you want from your grandmother.

10. The child makes parents blush for his behavior.

Wanting to attract attention, the baby often interrupts adults, may start screaming or throw a tantrum somewhere in public place. This problem is especially hard to fix if the parents initially spoiled the child, allowing him to behave as he wants.

11. Does not feel responsible for bad deeds

Every person should understand from childhood that only he should be responsible for his actions. However, spoiled children have a great support group - parents and grandparents who are always ready to correct the child's mistakes. For example, if a kid hit a neighbor's child, no one explains to him that it is impossible to do this, but even defends him - they say that the boy is to blame. In such conditions, children grow up irresponsible and spoiled.

Spoiled children simply do not understand how it can be that they cannot do something. This behavior can only be forgiven for babies under 4 years old. Children 4-6 years old should already form the concept of the impossibility of fulfilling any desire, they learn to calmly accept the refusal of something. A spoiled child does not understand such refusals, he will simply arrange another tantrum in order to achieve his goal.

Reasons for being spoiled

Family life changes dramatically when a spoiled child begins to play the main role. Children are born in the same conditions, but it is precisely this that makes them spoiled wrong upbringing. If up to 3-4 years old, crying and whims are a completely natural feature of behavior, then after 4 years it gradually develops into a means of manipulating adults, who in previous years have become accustomed to doing everything, if only the baby calms down. As a result, the child becomes self-centered, gets used to achieving his whims and tantrums, ceases to see authority in adults.

Often spoiled children grow up in families where parents cannot find common ones. Feeling disagreements, the kid begins to look for levers of control over adults. If dad is too strict, he goes to a softer and more willing mother or grandmother for him.

Also, one of the reasons for spoilage may be the inconsistency of prohibitions. For example, if yesterday a child was allowed to run through puddles, and today it was suddenly forbidden, then this will invariably cause resentment.

One of the most common reasons for being spoiled today can also be the excessive employment of parents, when they cannot devote enough time to the child. As a result, they try to atone for their guilt with gifts and the fulfillment of all desires. And after a couple of years, when the child’s whims and demands become the norm, and the baby’s demands grow, it suddenly becomes clear that the child has been spoiled.

Parents of spoiled children: 5 tips from a psychologist

1. Always stay calm

Control of the situation is impossible without calm communication. If you start screaming and getting nervous, the child will not change, and in the worst case, he will answer you in the same way. When problem situations It is best to try to ignore the child's tantrums. In a calm voice, say, "We'll only talk about this when you're calm."

2. Recognize the problem and start re-educating as early as possible

Don't wait for things to go too far. At the first sign of excessive capriciousness or tantrums, in order to get what you want, try to stop the child. Don't let him manipulate you into doing whatever he wants just to calm him down.

3. Be consistent in parenting

If yesterday you forbade your child to jump on the couch or run through the puddles, and today he does it with impunity, then such education is useless. The kid gets used to the fact that any prohibitions can be bypassed. Therefore, if there are any, then all adult family members should be reminded of them all the time. Try to always do what you say.

4. Learn to refuse a child

Many adults indulge children because they are simply unable to refuse their beloved baby. As a result, the child begins to treat people in a consumer way, feeling the opportunity to get everything he wants. Instead of a new car, already the tenth one this week, it's better to play with your child or take a walk to an interesting place.

5. Enter feasible responsibilities for the child

A kid from childhood must learn to understand the word "must". The concept of responsibility is formed even in small assignments. For example, assign him the obligation to clean up after himself toys or fold his things. Let him not be very good at it and then you will have to redo everything, but in this way the baby will understand what “duty” means and become more responsible.

And do not forget during re-education not to be excessively strict. Explain everything to the baby calmly, find mutual language with child. Be sure to say that you still love him very much, but his behavior is wrong and he will have to correct himself. And be sure to discuss the re-education of children with the whole family, so that the grandmother does not inadvertently continue to fulfill all the wishes of the baby in secret from you, while you unsuccessfully try to explain to him what “no” means.

12 signs your child is being spoiled and what to do about it
A spoiled child brings parents a lot of problems. Arranging whims, he achieves his goal and feels power over his parents, who indulge him in everything. The result of such behavior of parents will not keep you waiting. As soon as they try to forbid something to the child, he immediately applies the proven method and arranges another tantrum until he achieves his goal again.
It gets worse when parents can't or won't admit that their child is spoiled and it's time to take action. Many parents do not pay attention to the excessively capricious behavior of the baby. However, such children face problems in their future adult life. That is why parents are responsible for understanding the problem in time and trying to solve it.
Is your child spoiled? Here are 12 main distinguishing features of the behavior of such children. If you are familiar with at least a few, then be sure to read the advice of a psychologist at the end of the article.

1. The child does not want to share anything with others.
The selfishness of spoiled children makes them act only in their own interests, because they are used to getting everything they need. Of course, such a baby will categorically protest if he has to share something of his own with someone, whether it be his favorite toys, some kind of treat or the attention of his parents.
Until the age of about 3, it is perfectly normal for a child not to want to share. This can continue up to 5-6 years. And the more parents insist that he share, the less he will want to do it.

2. Frequent tantrums
Babies up to 3-4 years old are naughty and throw tantrums, because they have not yet learned how to express their feelings in a different way. However, frequent tantrums in older children are a cause for concern, because with their help the child simply manipulates the parents.
Yes, there is cause for concern.

3. Strong dependence on parents
You feel sorry for the child if he does not want to stay with his grandmother, does not want to fall asleep alone, or is nervous about the need to attend kindergarten. If this is repeated too often, then there is reason to think about his spoiledness. Growing up, the child must learn to feel comfortable around other people.
It doesn't say anything about the age of the child. Until the age of 3, the most important person in a child's life is the mother. For a small child not to see his mother is an ordeal. He does not understand that his mother is gone, but has not disappeared. The fear of losing his mother is the most terrible for him. In the wild, a baby that has lost its mother usually dies. In the early stages of human development, evolution worked so that only those who started screaming loudly as soon as the mother was lost from sight survived. The child has the right not to want to stay with his grandmother or another family member, not only because it is hard for him to let go of his mother, but also because this family member may somehow behave in a wrong way. If the child is older than 3 years old, one should try to understand why he does not want to stay with his grandmother, listen to the child, sympathize with him. If there is no other way out, tell the child about it that the mother herself would not want to leave him, but she really needs to leave. You can call the child, say that you remember him and will be back soon. No need to try to leave when the child is sleeping. If he wakes up and does not see his mother, he will be afraid that he was abandoned and will trust you less.
Kindergarten is a different story. If there is even the slightest opportunity not to give the child to the garden, use it. It is better for the child if you take him to separate classes and so that he can play with the children, but do not leave him for the whole day. Good kindergartens, with small groups and kind, child-loving teachers, are a rarity. If the nanny makes the child eat everything, even when the child does not want to eat, if he is punished there, ridiculed, etc., then it is understandable why he does not want to go there. If kindergarten is unavoidable, at least be attentive to the child's complaints, try to talk to the teacher, explain the characteristics of your child, ask her not to force him to eat or sleep.

4. Demands to cook his favorite food
Of course, sometimes children can be naughty about food. However, if your baby regularly refuses to eat ordinary food and requires special dishes to be prepared especially for him every day, then he is clearly spoiled.
It is not clear what "normal food" is. A child, like an adult, has the right to love something and not love something. He doesn't have to like the same foods as you. You yourself do not eat semolina or beets if you do not like it. We must try to choose a balanced and healthy diet, taking into account the tastes of the child. It is unlikely that he will ask you for lobsters, oysters and mango pineapples every day. Although there is nothing wrong with such a menu, if you can afford it. And in order for the child not to demand smoked sausage, cakes, sweets, Coca-Cola, etc., he should not be given unhealthy food and should not be kept at home. Replace sweets with sweet fruits, and at the same time your child's teeth will be healthier. In addition, the desire to eat something tasty is exacerbated by an excess of negative emotions. Try to figure out what causes these emotions. Perhaps the child is missing unconditional love parents.

5. Constantly expresses dissatisfaction
Another sign of spoiledness is frequent dissatisfaction with something. The kid constantly reports that he does not like toys, that he does not want to wear such clothes, that he is tired of eating soup or walking in this park. The situation is aggravated when a neighbor's child has some new interesting thing - in this case, the spoiled child will certainly demand to buy the same one.
The child is naughty when he is tired. Frequent dissatisfaction with something suggests that the child does not feel loved. Try to listen to your child's feelings. The child often asks him to buy something because he needs your attention. Do not wait for the child to ask for something, offer him yourself. A child does not have to have expensive toys. A child surrounded by love and care will not constantly ask for something. If at the request of the child to buy him some kind of trinket, you will gladly agree, he will not need to whine and throw tantrums.

6. Never helps
After 3-4 years, the child should be gradually taught to clean up toys after himself. If mom continues to do everything for him, in the end he will get used to it and will think that this is how it should be, and he is not obliged to help anyone in anything.
Teaching to clean up toys and help mom is very good. Only teaching should be positive. Suggest to start by putting the toys together, come up with some kind of game, for example, put the toys to bed. Get creative. If it does not work out, then you have to remove it yourself or leave everything as it is. By being strict, raising your voice and punishing uncleaned toys, you will only instill in him an aversion to any cleaning. The desire to help a beloved mother arises in a child by itself, one must not destroy this desire, even if after the child’s help, for example, to sculpt pies or wash the floors, there will be twice as much cleaning. Thank your child for the help anyway.

7. Rudeness and rudeness
Satisfying the whims of the child, parents develop in him a consumer attitude towards adults. As a result, the child ceases to respect them. And why speak politely if they will eventually fulfill all the requirements anyway. Sometimes this leads to manifestations of rudeness and rudeness on the part of the child.
Rudeness and rudeness just do not appear. The child usually imitates adults. Watch yourself, whether you yourself are talking politely and kindly with a child, with a spouse, with parents. If yes, it is unlikely that your child is rude to you. If he sometimes responds rudely to you, think about how he feels at that moment, maybe he was upset or angry. Then just say, "I see you're upset" or "I understand you're mad at your dad for not taking you fishing." This will show that you care about your child's feelings. You are not obliged to fulfill all his requirements, but when you refuse him something, do it kindly, explain why you cannot fulfill his request and be sure to sympathize.

8. The kid often has to be persuaded
A spoiled child does not recognize that parents or grandparents need to be obeyed. It is not surprising that their demands for him are empty words. After such demands and requests, the child, out of habit, begins to act up, manipulating adults. In order to achieve at least something from him, parents have to go to persuasion.
The child is not obliged to obey the parents in everything. From an obedient child, a comfortable and passive member of society grows up, who easily falls under the influence of the one who is stronger. It is unlikely that an obedient child will grow into a creative and self-confident person. But in the life of a child there are necessarily coercion and prohibitions. The child does not yet have the experience to act independently. To make it easier to make a child do something, it is necessary that certain rules or rituals be established in the family. The child gets used to the fact that this is how life works, that you need to wash your hands before eating, and brush your teeth before going to bed, everyone does this all the time and it cannot be otherwise. And if the rules change, one day you watch an interesting movie and allow the child to play until 11 at night, just not to be distracted in order to put him to bed, and on the other day, with screams and scandals, send him to bed at 9. It is difficult for the child to adjust to your mood. In some important things keep consistency, and in not very important, give the child the opportunity to choose. What hat will you wear today: blue or red? From which plate will you eat porridge: with Cheburashka or with Masha and the Bear? Where will we go for a walk: in the sandbox or in the park to feed the squirrels?
If you demand something, do not do it too often and on unimportant occasions, then your words will sound more weighty. And if you already demand, then do not give in to any whims, while comforting the baby in every possible way and sympathizing with him. You also don't need to force the child. In any persuasion, the child sees an opportunity to avoid fulfilling the requirements. If we agreed that he is watching the cartoon and the TV is turned off, then it should be turned off, despite the tears and resentment. But at the same time, do not yell at the child, but console in every possible way.

9 Adult Manipulation
Spoiled children easily find in the family an object for manipulation, with which their favorite ways to achieve their own always work: whims, tears, hysteria, etc. For example, if dad does not respond to such manifestations, the baby will definitely go to mom or grandmother, he will be rude and obsessive, with tears and tantrums, ask for something until he gets his way. In this case, the baby can use other means of manipulation. For example, tell your grandmother that he loves her the most. As a rule, such love quickly passes to someone else if you can’t get what you want from your grandmother.
If you do what is written in the comments to paragraph 8, then the baby will firmly know that you will not achieve anything with tantrums and the meaning in them is lost. But if the child is upset about something and burst into tears, in no case should you leave and leave him alone, showing that he is indifferent to you. The best thing to do is hug him and try to comfort him. This does not mean that it is necessary to comply with his request. If a child wants something very much, before refusing, think, it might be better to agree with pleasure. The worst option is if you say "no" to any request and agree only if he asks for a long and tedious time. So you really grow up a capricious manipulator.

10. The child makes parents blush for his behavior.
Wanting to attract attention, the baby often interrupts adults, may start screaming or throw a tantrum somewhere in a public place. This problem is especially hard to fix if the parents initially spoiled the child, allowing him to behave as he wants.
If the child wants to attract attention, then he does not have enough attention. Think about how often you listen to your child, looking into his eyes and putting aside other things, are you interested in his children's problems, which may not seem very important to you, do you delve into what seems important to him? If a child throws a tantrum in a public place, then the problem has gone far and you urgently need to change your attitude towards the child.

11. Does not feel responsible for bad deeds
Every person should understand from childhood that only he should be responsible for his actions. However, spoiled children have a great support group - parents and grandparents who are always ready to correct the child's mistakes. For example, if a kid hit a neighbor's child, no one explains to him that it is impossible to do this, but even defends him - they say that the boy is to blame. In such conditions, children grow up irresponsible and spoiled.
A child always tries to please his parents, and if he behaves badly, it is not out of a desire to annoy them. Remember yourself, when you yelled at someone, maybe you even wanted to hit someone, because you were driven, right? If the kid hit the neighbor's child, then he was angry with him. This is what you need to talk with him about, what exactly angered him, whether it was possible to find another way out of the situation. If the child is still small, explain that the other child is in pain and you need to feel sorry for him. And if you spank your child for educational purposes, then you give him an example of how to deal with those who misbehave. Then don't be surprised if he has learned this example well and applies it in the sandbox.

12. Categorically does not accept refusal
Spoiled children simply do not understand how it can be that they cannot do something. This behavior can only be forgiven for babies under 4 years old. Children 4-6 years old should already form the concept of the impossibility of fulfilling any desire, they learn to calmly accept the refusal of something. A spoiled child does not understand such refusals, he will simply arrange another tantrum in order to achieve his goal.
"You can not" should be in the life of a child from the moment when he begins to understand the words, before that it is useless to speak, you just physically stop him. You can’t touch a hot iron, you can’t eat grandma’s pills, you can’t hit your mother with a typewriter because it hurts, you can’t cross the street yourself, because a car can hit you, you can’t lean out of the window, you can fall, you can’t blow the tune when younger brother sleeping. It should not be categorical and final. If the child does not listen, you just need to prevent him from doing this. Do not shout from another room, but come and take away pills, a typewriter or a pipe. If you see a child opening a window, you will not scream from afar, but run up and take him off the windowsill. If your child does (or doesn't do) something that makes you want to get out of your own business, then you don't need to say "no". In the general case, only that which threatens the life and health of the child or interferes with others is prohibited. Everything else should be possible.

Reasons for being spoiled
Family life changes dramatically when a spoiled child begins to play the main role. Children are born in the same conditions, but it is the wrong upbringing that makes them spoiled. If up to 3-4 years old, crying and whims are a completely natural feature of behavior, then after 4 years it gradually develops into a means of manipulating adults, who in previous years have become accustomed to doing everything, if only the baby calms down. As a result, the child becomes self-centered, gets used to achieving his whims and tantrums, ceases to see authority in adults.
Often spoiled children grow up in families where parents cannot find common methods of education. Feeling disagreements, the kid begins to look for levers of control over adults. If dad is too strict, he goes to a softer and more willing mother or grandmother for him.
- The difference in methods of education is not as dangerous as the endless showdown, whose method is better. It is easier for a child to adapt to the different requirements of adults than to hear how relatives and loved ones quarrel.
Also, one of the reasons for spoilage may be the inconsistency of prohibitions. For example, if yesterday a child was allowed to run through puddles, and today it was suddenly forbidden, then this will invariably cause resentment.
- I completely agree with this! The inconsistency of prohibitions has a very bad effect on the child.
One of the most common reasons for being spoiled today can also be the excessive employment of parents, when they cannot devote enough time to the child. As a result, they try to atone for their guilt with gifts and the fulfillment of all desires. And after a couple of years, when the child’s whims and demands become the norm, and the baby’s demands grow, it suddenly becomes clear that the child has been spoiled.

Parents of spoiled children: 5 tips from a psychologist

1. Always stay calm
Control of the situation is impossible without calm communication. If you start screaming and getting nervous, the child will not change, and in the worst case, he will answer you in the same way. In case of problematic situations, it is best to try to ignore the child's tantrums. In a calm voice, say, "We'll only talk about this when you're calm."
You don't have to shout, that's right, but you can't ignore the child either. If a child has a tantrum, it means that he feels bad, and the closest and beloved person ignores him.

2. Recognize the problem and start re-educating as early as possible
Don't wait for things to go too far. At the first sign of excessive capriciousness or tantrums, in order to get what you want, try to stop the child. Don't let him manipulate you into doing whatever he wants just to calm him down.
I spoke about this above.

3. Be consistent in parenting
If yesterday you forbade your child to jump on the couch or run through the puddles, and today he does it with impunity, then such education is useless. The kid gets used to the fact that any prohibitions can be bypassed. Therefore, if there are any clear prohibitions, then all adult family members should be reminded of them all the time. Try to always do what you say.
That's right, just remove the word "with impunity". A child should never be punished for anything, this will only make things worse. You just have to stop him from jumping on the couch and running through the puddles if you think this is wrong.

4. Learn to refuse a child
Many adults indulge children because they are simply unable to refuse their beloved baby. As a result, the child begins to treat people in a consumer way, feeling the opportunity to get everything he wants. Instead of a new car, already the tenth one this week, it's better to play with your child or take a walk to an interesting place.
If you play and walk with a child, then it is unlikely that he will ask for the tenth car in a week. He asks for a typewriter because he needs your attention. If the car does not damage the family budget, buy him a car. Just not with a sigh: take your typewriter already, just leave me alone! And with joy: oh, what a wonderful machine, how I didn’t think to offer it to you. And sometimes you have to refuse a child, unfortunately. But not in order to educate him, but because we are not omnipotent. So it must be said that this dear railway, I can not buy you, although I would very much like to. Or "I'm sorry, but today I can't go to the zoo with you, I'm very tired", "No, I won't buy you Coca-Cola, it makes children's teeth deteriorate and their stomachs hurt." When a child sees that wherever possible, you go to meet him, he will calmly accept the refusal. .

5. Enter feasible responsibilities for the child
A kid from childhood must learn to understand the word "must". The concept of responsibility is formed even in small assignments. For example, assign him the obligation to clean up after himself toys or fold his things. Let him not be very good at it and then you will have to redo everything, but in this way the baby will understand what “duty” means and become more responsible.
The child is unlikely to understand the word "necessary", but to do nice mom and he really wants to feel like an adult, try to play on it. Thank him generously for any attempt to help you and emphasize that he has become more mature, that his help is very necessary and important to you.

And do not forget during re-education not to be excessively strict. Explain everything to the baby calmly, find a common language with the child. Be sure to say that you still love him very much, but his behavior is wrong and he will have to correct himself. And be sure to discuss the re-education of children with the whole family, so that the grandmother does not inadvertently continue to fulfill all the wishes of the baby in secret from you, while you unsuccessfully try to explain to him what “no” means.
Excessive severity should not be shown, yes, it only harms. Here I agree. Well, if you manage to negotiate with your grandmother. But sometimes it doesn't work. And don't make a tragedy out of it. If, for example, a child is allergic to oranges, then I think it is not very difficult to explain to the grandmother why it is not necessary to give oranges. And if the mother, for example, forbids crawling on the ground on her knees, and the grandmother allows it, then the baby will not crawl with her mother, but she will with her grandmother. There is no big crime to quarrel over this.

Imagine that at a party, or in kindergarten, you saw a child with strange behavior. Perhaps he doesn't speak when he should already be trying to, or he spends a lot of time flapping his arms like wings or swaying from side to side. He may be talking, but the same words over and over again. It happens that the child shuns others and mutters something under his breath. Often he does not play with toys, but simply lines them up or knocks them to the floor for no apparent purpose.

The parents of the baby do not pay attention to his oddities. On the contrary, sometimes they speak of him as a cutie and even a child prodigy. Mom can say something like: "Isn't it wonderful how Gena puts all her cars in one line"?

You, however, cannot get rid of the thought that the child is not autistic, and whether his parents know about it. You ask yourself, "What should I say?"

Before you start talking to your child's parents, ask yourself six questions:

1. How well do you know the norms of child development? Young children may develop at different rates. One neurotypical three-year-old may speak well, potty train, and know letters and numbers, while another may still be in diapers and speak in two- to three-word applications. Before assuming that something is really wrong with the baby, be sure to check yourself against the child development charts.
2. How well do you know the child? If you only see him once or twice a year, then you may be familiar with only a small fraction of his playset and behavioral repertoire. Maybe he is shy of strangers, but uses speech to communicate with his family? Before talking about autism, try to collect as much as possible more information: “I’m sure that Gaucher has something to say to his mother when other adult uncles don’t get under his feet.”
3. How well do you know what autism is? There are many myths and prejudices about autism, which in practice means that you can confuse individual characteristics or some other disorder with this disease. Some neurotypical children can be very shy around large groups of people, many young children dislike strangers and are wary of new foods, loud noises, and the fact that the established order of things is interrupted by someone.
4. What relationship do you have with your child's parents? If you are a grandfather, sister or best friend, then you have the right to put before them a difficult and psychologically uncomfortable question about the need to contact a neurologist or psychologist. But if the relationship between you is more formal than warm, your words may seem like an inappropriate interference in the lives of other people and cause only negative emotions without any positive effect.
5. What kind of reaction can be expected from the child's parents? If you know the baby's mom and dad well, you can predict how they will react to your suggestion that something is wrong with the child. Will they listen to you? Or will they erect an invisible wall between you and themselves and treat you like an enemy? Perhaps someone else will fit into the role of truce, and not you?
6. What can you offer parents if your fears are confirmed? It's one thing to open a Pandora's box with anxieties and fears hidden in it. It is quite another thing to help parents cope with a problem that has suddenly arisen before them by providing them with moral support, knowledge of good specialists, necessary information and other assistance. If you say: “Something is wrong with your child and this is very serious,” but you won’t do anything other than that, then, for sure, it would be better for you to just keep silent or find a more adequate candidate instead of yourself for the role of adviser.