Today, my grandmother (grandmother is my mother, who here, in order to avoid confusion, will simply be a grandmother) took her child (7 years old, first grade) to classes at music school and there they fought over a mobile phone. In the sense that Yaroslav wanted to play with mobile phone, but my grandmother did not give, because it was time to go to class. And since I gave him a hit last weekend, my grandmother got...
Now the grandmother is offended, and not only at the child, but also at the parents who are poorly engaged in raising him. As if all I do is beat grandmothers, setting a bad example for a child. It's not the first case, but it won't be the last either. I don't know how to fight. Grandmother doesn’t know how to hit back, but she knows how to exhaust her nerves and it’s also impossible to teach her. It doesn’t occur to him to fight with dad or mom, even if his parents take away from him the most precious thing that he has. this moment is, game console, TV or typewriter. And in conflicts with other children, he is not very combative. To give change to a classmate who offends him, he cannot, he says - he is stronger than me. And the grandmother means weaker and it is possible.
He can flog him like a Sidorov goat. Yes, something tells me that the effect will be small ... Grandmother says that I need to go to a psychologist with him ... But again, something tells me that my grandmother needs to go to a psychologist. But she won't go... Vicious circle. Or go to a psychologist all together? For some reason, he beats exactly his grandmother, whom he loves very much. Neither his father, nor his mother, nor his teachers raise his hand. Apparently he does not understand that this cannot be done, and I do not know how to explain it to him so that he understands. After all, I never beat my grandparents ... Without any psychologists, my parents explained to me in childhood that this was impossible or simply did not want to.
One side own child in everything seems quite adequate and even developed for his age. And I can’t unequivocally understand if this child is wrong and allows himself too much, if his grandmother provokes him and allows him to behave this way in order to once again show how hard it is for her with her grandson. The second case is more difficult and practically untreatable. Or the grandmother is simply not able to cope with her grandson due to the moral and age characteristics of the individual. It's already easier :)
After all, even our cat offends grandmother. From time to time he attacks grandmother's legs and scratches ... He doesn't scratch anyone else, even Yaroslav. And the dog, too, for the only time in its dog life, bitten a family member, who also turned out to be the same grandmother.
But if the reason is in it, then what to do ... After all, at this age, behavior cannot be corrected. Grandmother fundamentally does everything in her own way, believing that young people do not understand anything in life. And she worked as a boss and raised a child alone and her education is higher. A referral to a psychologist is something like an accusation of insanity ... And you can’t argue against her logic either, because. everything is true. Worked, raised, studied. And the argument that the new time, new children and new methods and work, study, raising a child and age not only do not indicate a healthy psyche, but also complicate the situation. After all, it was they who formed and strengthened the psyche.
So you still have to flog the child and talk, listen to and reassure the grandmother and wait until Yaroslav finally has consciousness, flexibility and the ability to restrain his desires to hit his beloved grandmother.

Mothers and grandmothers believe that all small children necessarily love their parents, but children do not know about their love for their parents and often beat their mother, grandmother, or even father. They beat them in the face, beat them with a stick, hit them with a fork - in any way they like. And what to do with it?

We will not analyze situations where parents can be hit by their teenage children - these are already situations of a completely different class, usually situations of pedagogical neglect. With kids, everything is easier, at least everything is easier to understand, although it is not always possible to stop this disgrace in a quick way.

The main thing here is to understand two things.

First, when a child hits you, he has nothing against you personally. He just does what he wants to do now. And what in this case appeared before him is your problems, and not his direct intention to deal with you personally.

Second: than smaller baby, the less he is guided by the mind (until you put him in the mind, the child does not have it) and to a greater extent is just an organism. The same as any other animal that is controlled by reflexes and gains experience primarily with the help of associative and conditioned reflexes, receiving positive or negative reinforcement for its actions from the external environment (that is, primarily from parents). At least, most children under two years of age behave this way. So,

What to do with babies?

The solution to the problem with children of this age lies primarily in the field of art, no matter how terrible it sounds for those who want to see a highly spiritual being in a small child. Your baby will definitely become a reasonable person: smart, understanding, compassionate and just wise, but - later. In the meantime, he lives at the level of a cat and a dog, and understands, first of all, the language that other cats and dogs understand - the language of positive and negative reinforcements.

One of the first natural techniques is attention deprivation, or the time-out method. For example, if a child hit his mother, then do not scold the child, but walk past him and start feeling sorry for the mother: stroke her, tell her good words. Telling a child that fighting is bad makes little sense: your words for a child are just communication with him, and he just needs communication. On the other hand, if you stroke your mother, the child will want to repeat it after you sooner or later.

If the baby hit (bit) you and there is no one next to you who would take pity on you, solve the issue yourself. Namely: without screaming and without crying, stand up abruptly, remove the child from your arms, then, without screaming and without swearing, silently leave to do business. The child will be left without you, and this is punishment enough for him. It will not work immediately, but a few repetitions are usually enough.

As for the "hit back" or "bite back" move, it's a great move, but most of the time it doesn't work. More precisely, it works in men, but it does not work in women. The fact is that the father may well hit the child on the hand so that he doesn’t want to hit him with this hand anymore, and the mothers love their children and “in response” do it carefully, not painfully ... As a result, the situation of the exchange of blows (bites) turns into new game for the child: he is you, you are him, he is still you, you are still him, and the child is only fun and interesting. This does not work.

To work, you need to have iron nerves and the habit of reacting in three steps: 1) explanation, 2) warning, 3) punishment. That is, the child has bitten you - you calmly tell him: "Don't bite, it hurts me!". He bit again, you warn: "Do not bite, but I will hurt you just the same!". If he bites after that, he needs to be bitten back in earnest in order for him to really hurt. And for a blow to the face, you take his hand and hit it seriously painfully.

If you are not ready for this, then do not do it, and if you do it once, like a man, then it will be effective solution. Note that this is how all children solve this issue among themselves, and it works: children can consciously fight, but just like that, mindlessly hitting another - it doesn’t occur to them. Why? But because they tried and got the answer as it should.

So, if you were able to do this, you have accomplished a feat. It was hard, but you did it: be proud of yourself! And in order to calm yourself after that, take the screaming child on your lap, hold him and explain: "Mom is sacred! Mom cannot be beaten!" Sooner or later it will come. It will come to you early, to the child - later. If psychologists have suggested to you that in such a situation you need to tell your child about your feelings, please tell them. If it helps you, tell me, but as for the child, the only important thing is that you hold him firmly on your knees and do not let go. Sitting on your lap instead of playing is a punishment for him, it affects him, and talking about your feelings only affects psychologists.

Yes, frequently asked question: why explain something to a child if it doesn't help? Answer: this is not necessary for the child, but for you. Because it is you who should get used to not hitting or biting a child, but to resolve all issues peacefully. Accustom yourself to this, and soon the child will already respond to your words.

And if you missed it, and the child is already three years old and older?

Third: any reasonable order must be protected, and if a child deliberately violates these rules, he is punished for this. We repeat the rule: 1) explanation, 2) warning, 3) punishment. In this case, slapping once hard on the pope or on the arm is normal and correct. If the child tries to hit the wall, it will hurt him, and he will not hit the wall a second time. Be a wall: do not fight yourself, but give back to the child what he has done.

Videos from Yana Happiness: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn't be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.

One of the unexpected discoveries that awaits parents of young children is that they FIGHT! And sometimes quite strongly ... True, most often, parents are not aware that this phenomenon is very common. It seems to them that it is their child who is so aggressive, that it is a matter of genes or global mistakes in education. In fact, this is a common occurrence among children 1-3 years old. In itself, the aggression of children is almost not connected with natural inclinations or mistakes in education. But problems can be exacerbated as a result of parental mistakes.

In children younger age many reasons to be angry. Something doesn’t work (the button doesn’t want to fasten), something is always not allowed (the parents don’t want to let the toilet brush play, but it’s so beautiful !!), you often hit something or fall (they put chairs here! ). This is from the point of view of an adult, the life of a baby is cloudless, because they do everything for the happiness of their baby. But through the eyes of a child, it's completely different!

In a situation where Small child angry, he has very few choices - he can either roar, or do something aggressive (bite, fight, etc.). A small child is not able to explain his aspirations to his parents, or restrain his anger and “save face”.

However, not all families have such a problem - the baby constantly beats adults and children. There are a few instances in which a family will almost certainly have child aggression problems. Check if you are making these mistakes:

A CHILD IS ALMOST SURE TO FIGHT FREQUENTLY IF:

In fact, adults should not tell, but actually show the child that they cannot be beaten, simply by restraining the child when trying to hit them.

How to deal with child aggression in appropriate ways can be read

• The child's behavior is subconsciously beneficial to one of the child's close adults. It gives him the opportunity to express the accumulated claims to others.

This happens, for example, when a grandmother, watching an unbelted child who beats her mother, says to her: “Here are the fruits of permissiveness! My children have never allowed themselves to raise a hand against their mother!!” The grandmother in our example is actually globally dissatisfied with the way her daughter is raising her children. And any reason to express this is beneficial for her, as it gives a discharge to the accumulated tension.

Another example: a father, having come home from work tired, sits down to play with his two-year-old daughter. Because otherwise the wife will make claims to him that he does not communicate with the child. In fact, a man wants to relax and sit in front of the TV. During the game, the daughter, angry at something, throws a pyramid at him. The offended father gets up and leaves, commenting that he does not intend to play in this way. What happened is exactly what he originally wanted: he was left alone, but at the same time he avoids criticizing his wife.
In the above examples, the child's aggression is just an excuse to solve the problems of adults. And really, adults are not busy raising a child, but sorting out relationships, and use the child's behavior as a kind of arena for this.

The most lasting effect can be achieved by combining the above methods, creatively, so to speak, combining them. If you either do not pay attention to the aggression of the child, then you shout at him, then you hit him back, then you are offended, then you read notations, then aggressive behavior baby will flourish! I constantly get letters from tired parents who have "tried everything" trying to raise their child, that is, alternating between meaningless reactions to his behavior.

If your baby fights regularly, analyze your actions - are you making the above mistakes!

© Elizaveta Filonenko

The crumbs always touch their parents. For one toothless smile, they are forgiven a lot. But not all. And for the time being. Some parents are faced with completely different behavior of the child, which they dreamed of. A kid at a certain age begins to beat his mom and dad. About what to do if the baby fights, moreover, with the closest ones, says Evgeny Komarovsky.

Why is this happening

By fighting, kids express their accumulated aggression. Many mothers notice the first attempts to do this as early as six months. The child does not yet know how to speak, but he already knows how to arch his back with a “wheel” and desperately and rather viciously yell if something is not for him. A little later, the children may begin to pinch. After a year, the baby knows how to bite perfectly, and a one-year-old baby does this not out of malice, but because it is not yet able to cope with negative emotions adequately.

The most “problematic” protest age starts at the age of 2, closer to three years. Here, even the previously quiet and calm children can begin to show aggression and irritability.

However, a three-year-old fighter who is used to solving problems with his teeth and fists both at home and in kindergarten, more seriously should alert parents. Only one age stage and petty hooliganism cannot explain aggression at 2-3 years old. Usually this is an insufficient development of speech, which makes it difficult to find words to describe their feelings, a chronic lack of attention from adults, and sometimes symptoms of a nervous or psychiatric disorder.

Psychologists are almost unanimous - the main reason for children's unconscious aggression is the irritability of parents, especially mothers. According to the statistics available to child psychologists, four out of ten children have ever tried to use force against loved ones, in half of the cases the problem has become catastrophic when the child has become a real tyrant in his family.

Most often, parents of such aggressive children complain that the baby bites, spits, and also beats adults and even throws various objects that come to hand.

Komarovsky about the problem

The authoritative pediatrician Yevgeny Komarovsky has seen such children in his practice, and more than once. He categorically disagrees with the assertion of psychologists that you need to be patient and peacefully exhort the little tyrant and convince him (in words!) that “it hurts mom and grandmother.”

All aspects of child aggression will be discussed with Dr. Komarovsky in the next video.

Soft and democratic pedagogical measures do not work in this situation., says Evgeny Olegovich. And if they work, then in exceptional cases. This is because aggression is nothing but an instinct, one of the strongest ancient human instincts. And it is impossible to fight instincts with any pedagogical methods.

In most situations with little fighters, only one thing works: to answer identically. Not a single manifestation of child aggression should be left without the attention of parents; an adult “victim” should immediately respond to every bite or blow.

If bitten, Komarovsky advises to bite back, if hit, do the same. Naturally, adults need to measure strength, but the answer should not be too sparing, since the child must understand from his own experience what is painful and insulting.

Moreover, Evgeny Olegovich advises mothers to comfort a screaming or whimpering child as little as possible after this “identical answer”.

If you are interested in the question of how to deal with an uncontrollable child, look at the next issue of Dr. Komarovsky on this topic.

Yevgeny Komarovsky emphasizes that the reciprocal, necessarily controlled aggression cannot speak of a mother's lack of love for her child, and even vice versa.

If you love him very much, you are unlikely to want to grow up a pathological personality with a sense of your own impunity and permissiveness.

Important

Outside of a conflict situation in which, according to the Komarovsky method, you gave a tough rebuff to a small aggressor, the behavior towards the child should not change. Mom should remain the same kind and affectionate, always ready to help. Then, according to the famous pediatrician, the child will begin to form another very useful instinct - he will learn to respect the elders and the strong, he will understand that it is better not to provoke pain reactions, and he will also be able to quickly draw a parallel between his pain from your bite and yours during it. aggression.

Gradually, attacks on adults and peers will become less and less frequent, and then they will completely disappear and be forgotten.

1. Immediately after a child hits you, it is important to tell him that you are in a lot of pain and you don't want him to hit you anymore.
2. If the blow is still repeated, try to intercept his hand.
3. If the child is in her arms at this moment, then after the second attempt, it is necessary to let him go, accompanying this with the words that such treatment is unpleasant for you, and you will not communicate on such terms. Thus, we attach actions to words that demonstrate the essence of the spoken words.
4. If a child cries, you can immediately take him in your arms and feel sorry for him. Because our task is not to humiliate and punish, but to explain. And a child can really be upset by an unexpected descent from his hands.
5. If, after you have taken the child in your arms again, the blow is repeated, release him from your arms again, and also explain, as calmly as possible, what specifically does not suit you. For this it is important to find the right words so that it is accurate and clear that it is not the child himself who is bad, but his behavior is unacceptable.
6. Naturally, after the second attempt, you don’t pick up immediately. But there is no need to bring it to hysteria either. The next time you can take it in your arms, holding the baby's arms lightly.
7. If the baby is not in your arms, it is also very important to distance yourself from words with actions. For example, if you played together, stop this game, if the child ran up and hit, then you should leave this room.
8. If a child hits mom or dad in the presence of friends or other family members, it is very important that this situation they either did not interfere, or supported dad or mom. In this case, you need to feel sorry for the victim, completely ignoring the offender. Such an example demonstrates to a child that such behavior is not the best way to attract attention to oneself and, most importantly, that this method does not work.
9. Consistency is important in all of these activities. That is, if you can’t beat your mother, then you can’t either in the evening or in the morning, or at a party, or on the street, and in general in no situations. In order to solve this problem, as a rule, 2-3 weeks are enough.
Mistakes of parents when trying to cope with such behavior of the child:
1. "Hit back" in response to spank or lightly hit on the hand. This action on your part is wrong. Because children copy the behavior of their parents. And with this action, you demonstrate to the baby that with the help of a blow, you can express your dissatisfaction and this is an acceptable way. Therefore, stick to what is impossible for the baby, and parents cannot.
2. "Pretend to cry" is a performance. Let's not touch on the fact of mom's deception, but the fact that mom portrays something is in itself "entertainment". Especially for a child in a year and a half. And therefore, there is a risk that the child will continue to repeat his actions in order to see his mother's "performance".
3. The same goes for screams of pain, screaming, etc. If your baby is not scared, then he can perceive what is happening as a "spectacle." And, it is very possible that he will want to repeat it again.
4. Shame. Shame on you... Shame is a measure of social, which, for educational purposes, if effective, then much later. It's just a word for kids.
At the very beginning of the article, it was written that often this behavior is a bounds check. Of course, this is if the child in the family does not see such treatment.