The psychology of family relationships is interesting, because this is the most popular role-playing game in the world.

People love roles, and for some reason they prefer suffering ones more than joyful ones. Over time, a person grows together with the role: he does not see the difference between it and himself, which is the root of many problems. Have you noticed how children play? Now he is a wizard, an hour later he is already a driver, after that he is Superman, Spiderman, soldier, groom. Roles change easily and quickly, without a sense of loss, regret and the phrase "I can't do anything else." The child acts without thinking. And the essence of any role is not in words and thoughts, but in actions.

There is such a formula "Be-Do-Have". A person chooses who to be, then acts according to the accepted role, and receives the desired result. For example, mom. One day a woman decides to become a mother. I like to clarify words, the process itself helps to understand the essence of things. According to the explanatory dictionary, a mother is a woman parent in relation to her child. Note that love is not mentioned here. Not all mothers love their children. Whether a mother will love her child or not depends on the qualities of a woman that were characteristic of her before pregnancy and childbirth.

What does a mother do - take care of her child, ensure his safety, good conditions, and as a result - a healthy child.
Whether she will be his friend or girlfriend, assistant, these are already other roles that are absolutely not related to blood relationship. The psychology of relations in a family with children is based on universal principles, and not on passport data. If a father wants to become a friend to his son, this is a much greater responsibility than just being a father. Maybe that's why not many parents go for such a relationship? Not everyone is able to be frank and open with own child as friendship suggests. But the child also has no right to demand support from parents. Just like a father or mother who expects children to be guardians for life, or that the child will become a child prodigy and an object of parental pride. No one in the family owes anything to anyone. People initially confuse roles, and then, through their own fault, are severely disappointed.

Psychology of family relations

Ideally, it should be based on human understanding. The status of the father does not give him the right to demand something from the child, force him to do something, humiliate or beat him. The reverse principle also works - if children are sure that their parents should buy an apartment-car-dacha for them, then these are the problems of children, their overestimated conceit. Some husbands are sure that they have the privilege of being a dictator in the family or a tyrant. You made a mistake playground, Buddy! If you want power, go into politics, or get a job as a guard in a prison and have fun there. Often parents try to play roles in the family that they could not fulfill in life. But the family is not a testing ground, but living people who still hope to find mutual language together.

The comfort of family relationships is measured by spiritual standards, and not by blood ties. Soul and blood are different categories, agree. Surely you have met more than once that a person meets loved ones far beyond the family. Few people manage to create emotional family intimacy. It is necessary to strive for this, starting with the psychology of the relationship between husband and wife, long before the birth of a child. But this is not easy work. It’s much easier years later to take a child to a psychologist shouting “He’s out of control! Do something!", being sure that his fault as a parent is absolutely not here.

The psychology of family relations is based on communication, respect, love and common interests. Do not be lazy, write in percentage, how much and what in your family? Plus, how much control, disrespect, humiliation, jealousy, indifference, accusations, resentment, impulses “for evil!”, desire to prove to others that you are the best in your relationship. Many relationships are built on revenge. Is it hard for you to believe? Ask yourself: “Which of my relatives do I want to take revenge on?” Or maybe you are already doing this?.. Alas, there is more love in families in words than in deeds.

To understand your family relationships, ask yourself the following questions:

• Who do I consider myself in the family?
• Who am I to my parents (husband, wife, children)?
• Who are they to me?
• What emotion do I have for them?
• What feelings do they have for me?
• What is my purpose in the family?
• What are the goals of my parents (spouse, wife, children) in relation to me?
• Why do I need a family at all?

Answer the first thing that comes to mind honestly. And then think about the answers..

One of the main components of the psychology of family relations is trust. Can you fully trust your child? And he (a) to you - to pour out his soul without the consequences of punishment or condemnation? Perhaps the following questions will help you:

• What have I done to my parents (children, wife, husband)?
• What did they do to me?
• What do my family members still not know about?

Alternate them until your heart feels better. Bad responses will come. So what. Write them out, lighten their burden, and burn them—in other words, let them go.

The method helps to understand the psychology of family relationships family constellation Hellinger. It allows you to see the situation in the family from the outside and find a solution to it. People in the group are given roles, for example, someone will play you, someone will play your wife or spouse, your child. The essence of the method is that people play the roles of completely unfamiliar people and are able to experience all the feelings of the person they are replacing. By voicing their emotions and states, they show the client the true situation in the family. Often, at such constellations, a person receives new information, the opportunity to look at what he turned a blind eye to and the consequences of his decisions and misconduct.

We learn to communicate. I am the message

When you talk about your feelings to a child, then speak in the FIRST PERSON: ABOUT YOURSELF, ABOUT YOUR experience, and not about HIM, not about HIS behavior.
Psychologists have called statements of this kind "I-messages."

They can be:

1. I AM I don't like it when children walk around disheveled, and to me ashamed of the views of neighbors.

2. to me it is difficult to get ready for work when someone is crawling under your feet, and I am I stumble all the time.

3. Me Loud music is very annoying.

A parent might say differently:

1. Well you for the view!

2. Stop crawling here you bother me!

3. You could you be quieter?

These statements use the words you, you, you. They can be called "You-messages."

At first glance, there is little difference between the “I” and “You” messages. Furthermore, the latter are more familiar and "more convenient". However, in response to them, the child is offended, defended, and insolent. Therefore, it is advisable to avoid them.

After all, each "You-message", in fact, contains an attack, accusation or criticism of the child. Here is a typical dialogue:

When are you finally going to start cleaning your room?! (Accusation.)

Well, that's enough, dad. After all, this is my room!

How are you talking to me? (Condemnation, threat.)

What did I say?

The I-message has a number of benefits compared to "You are the message".

1. It allows you to express your negative feelings in a way that is harmless to the child. Some parents try to suppress outbursts of anger or irritation in order to avoid conflicts. However, this does not lead to the desired result. As already mentioned, it is impossible to completely suppress our emotions, and the child always knows whether we are angry or not. And if they are angry, then he, in turn, may be offended, withdraw or go into an open quarrel. It turns out the opposite: instead of peace - war.

Recently, I happened to be present at a conversation between an eleven-year-old girl and her mother. The girl was upset, and recalled, crying, all her "grievances":

“You don’t think that I don’t understand how when you treat me. I see everything! For example, today, when you came in and we were playing a tape recorder, instead of learning lessons, you got angry with me, although you didn’t say anything. And I saw, I saw it, you can not deny it! I knew it from the way you looked at me, even the way you turned your head!”

This reaction of the girl was a direct consequence of the latent discontent of her mother. I thought: what subtle and observant "psychologists" our children are, and what a lesson this girl taught her mother (and me at the same time), breaking the cold ice of unnecessary silence and giving vent to her feelings!

2. “I-message” gives children the opportunity to get to know us parents better. Often we protect ourselves from children with the armor of “authority”, which we try to maintain at all costs. We wear the mask of the "educator" and are afraid to lift it even for a moment. Sometimes children are amazed to learn that mom and dad can feel anything at all! This makes a lasting impression on them. The main thing is that it makes an adult closer, more humane.

I recently overheard a mother on the phone with her ten-year-old son. Mom (a teacher by profession) told him about how difficult the lesson for her was successful. “You know,” she said, “how worried I was this morning. But everything ended well, and I'm very happy! And are you happy? Thank you!". It was nice to see such an emotional closeness between mother and son.

3. When we are open and sincere in expressing our feelings, children become sincere in expressing theirs. Children begin to feel that adults trust them, and they can be trusted too.

Here is a letter from one mother who asks if she did the right thing:

“My husband and I separated when our son was six years old. Now he is eleven, and he began to deeply, consciously, but more to himself, miss his father. Somehow he escaped: “I would go to the cinema with dad, but I don’t want to go with you.” Once, when my son directly said that he was bored and sad, I told him: “Yes, son, you are very sad, and sad, probably because we don’t have a dad. Yes, and I'm not happy. If you had a dad, I had a husband, it would be much more interesting for us to live. My son broke through: he leaned against my shoulder, quiet bitter tears poured out.

I wept furtively, too. But it became easier for both of us ... I thought about this day for a long time and somewhere in the depths of my soul I understood that I had done the right thing. Is not it?".

Mom intuitively found the right words: she told the boy about his experience (active listening), and also told about hers (“I-message”). And the fact that it became easier for both of them, that mother and son became closer to each other, is the best proof of the effectiveness of these methods. Children very quickly learn the manner of communication from their parents. This also applies to the I-message.

“Since I started using I-messages,” writes the father of a five-year-old girl, “my daughter has almost disappeared requests like: “Give me!”, “Play with me!”. More often it sounds “I want to ...”, “I can’t wait any longer.”

In this way, it is much easier for parents to learn about the feelings and needs of the child.

4. And finally, by expressing our feelings without an order or reprimand, we leave the children the opportunity to make their own decisions. And then - amazing! - they begin to take into account our desires and experiences.

Learning how to send "I-messages" is not easy, just like actively listening to a child. It will take practice, and at first it will be difficult to avoid mistakes. One of them is that sometimes, starting with the “I-message”, parents end the phrase “You-message”.

For instance: " to me don't like that you such a slob!” or " Me annoying it your whimper!”.

You can avoid this mistake if you use impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns that generalize words. For instance:

I don't like it when people sit down at the table with dirty hands.

It annoys me when kids whine.

Tasks

Choose from the parents' answers the one that most closely matches the "I-message". (You will find the answers at the end of this lesson).

Situation 1. How many times do you call your daughter to sit down at the table. She replies: “Now,” and continues to go about her business. You started getting angry. Your words:

1. How many times do you have to say!

2. I get angry when I have to repeat the same thing.

3. It makes me angry when you disobey.

Situation 2. You have an important conversation with a friend. The child keeps interrupting him. Your words:

1. It is difficult for me to talk when I am interrupted.

2. Don't bother talking.

3. Can't you do something else while I'm talking?

Situation 3. You come home tired. Your teenage son has friends, music, and fun. On the table are traces of their tea drinking. You experience a mixed feeling of irritation and resentment ("If only you would think of me!"). Your words:

1. Doesn't it occur to you that I might be tired?!

2. Clean up your dishes.

3. I am offended and angry when I come tired and find a mess at home.

Answers to the task.

Situation 1.

The "I-message" would be phrase 2.

Line 1 has a typical "You-message", phrase 3 begins as "I-message" and then transitions to "You-message".

Situation 2.

"I-message" - phrase 1, both the rest - "You-message". Although “you” is absent in the second phrase, it is implied (read “between the lines”).

Situation 3.

"I am the message" - phrase 3.

From the book Gippenreiter Yu.B. “Communicate with a child HOW?”

We continue a series of publications of excerpts from the book of the Greek psychologist Pavel Kyriakidis "Family Relations", the translation of which was made by the nun Ekaterina especially for the Matrona.RU portal. Today we will talk about the problems of family communication.

Communication is about the information that people exchange about what is happening in the world they live in. However, in communication, not only its “content” is important - message, information, words ... In order to communicate competently and fully, it is necessary to take into account the inner meaning of the implied emotions and actions, which is deep level of communication, its main component.

Every time we talk to other people, our whole being is involved in this process. You can "read" your interlocutor without using his words - by facial expression and, especially, eyes, by gestures and tone of voice, breathing and body position in space, behavior, and even by his ... silence. In other words, oral communication of interlocutors has two dimensions: verbal and non-verbal level.

We live in an era in which the media is gaining more and more influence. At the same time, this is an age of terrifying mutual estrangement of people, the age of loneliness in the crowd. The lack of deep communication sometimes creates such psychological problems, which are difficult to resist, and it becomes increasingly difficult to cure them. This applies to society as a whole, and to each individual family.

matrimony- this is an internal need for deep communication with each other, a desire to let a loved one into your inner world, share thoughts, feelings, emotions, aspirations with him, discuss together everything that occupies and worries, this and hope to be heard and O taken. Thus, communication contributes to mutual recognition, "acquaintance" of spouses, and later - parents and children.

It is important that in the life of the family there is constant live communication: not external, superficial, verbal, but deep, mental and spiritual. It is not a common language that unites two or three souls, but common interests, aspirations and aspirations. From this are born common emotions, common joy and general excitement. All this can be found only in marriages and families, whose members have managed to maintain a living connection and normal relationships with each other. Therefore, if something goes wrong in a family, if something “does not work out” in relationships, first of all, it is necessary to check the quality of communication between members of this family. If already for a long time conversations between spouses or parents and children are limited to phrases like “what do we have for dinner tonight?”, “the child returned?”, “sit down for lessons”, “I’ll go and pay the rent”, etc., then this cannot be called communication .

Often, when communicating, people do not take into account that the same words do not always have the same meaning. Therefore, the information we communicate should always be, as far as possible, clear,finished and free from ambiguity.

Sometimes the interlocutors do not so much convey information to each other in the process of communication as they seek to express the subtext, one hundred I am following their words. In a number of other cases, the verbal and non-verbal aspects of communication differ markedly from each other: one thing is said by words, and quite another by facial expression and look or tone of voice.

In the course of our communication with other people, we may get the impression that they understand the meaning of the words we use, just as we do, or that they feel and live the discussion in the same way as we do. Meanwhile, in reality, other people can form a completely different opinion, different from ours, about what seems important to us. Give it another level of importance. For example, a person uses a certain word and puts a certain meaning into it, while his interlocutor at the same time listens and understands something completely different. Thus, the words are filled with other feelings, a different meaning and content, which means that they often have some other and well, if not the opposite, meaning. All this can give us the impression that the person we are talking to does not consider us, does not feel us, because something that is vital to us leaves him indifferent and does not touch him at all. Of course, such different reactions cannot but lead to small frictions. As a result, people often move away from each other.

The well-known phenomenon, when people "listen without hearing" interlocutor. We listen to another person, we can even look at him, but at the same time our thoughts are occupied with something extraneous, and what the interlocutor said does not reach our mind. This behavior can meet all external conditions of real communication and at the same time be deprived of its very essence - connection with the "inner man" interlocutor.

If spouses want to keep their marriage alive, then no matter how busy they are, they will find they must find time to socialize both with each other and with their children. If communication does not occur constantly, family members eventually move away from each other, alienation occurs, which, quite possibly, will end in separation, divorce, and the collapse of the family.

Most clashes and other relationship problems could have been avoided if the family had "willingness to listen". Of course, such readiness should be inherent in all family members, and not just one of them. And, of course, "listening" to someone does not necessarily mean "obeying" this person in all his desires and whims.

How well a person is able to listen to his interlocutors is usually directly proportional to his spiritual wealth and education. When listening to someone, it is necessary to fully and consciously follow the course of the conversation. Sometimes attention is scattered, we are distracted, but do not give a look and deceive the interlocutor, hypocritically showing him that we are participating in a conversation. But it is advisable to interrupt the person with whom we are talking, tell him “I’m sorry (those), but I lost the conversation” and, if we are really not interested, find an opportunity tactfully end the conversation instead of continuing it without listening to the interlocutor.

All of the above applies in full measure to family communication. How often in conversations with parents, husband or wife, or children, we only pretend to listen attentively to our family! At this time, they themselves are absorbed in their own or family problems, and only sometimes we insert some nothing meaningful words to keep the conversation going. This behavior does not go unnoticed by domestics, it upsets them, because it often speaks of our indifference to them, and gradually saps family communication, reduces it to "no".

Disappointment and feeling of loneliness are the clear results of insufficient inadequate communication between spouses. This happens when one of them shows his inner world, shares some very personal and often valuable experience with his other half, and the other does not understand all this and, perhaps, even deliberately distorts the meaning of what was said, which humiliates and disappoints the spouse . If this happens constantly, then the spiritual distance between husband and wife and the degree of their loneliness will increase more and more day by day.

What do we expect from communication with family and friends? Imagine that a person listens to a member of his family, but at the same time does not show any respect for what was said. Suddenly he begins to express explicit opposition and negation of the interlocutor's point of view, confronts him, makes it clear that he listened to him, but did not agree with anything, and he does all this very rudely, tactlessly. Such a reaction is likely to upset, even hurt the one to whom it is directed. From this we can easily conclude that when talking with a person with whom we have a good relationship, We should be ready for disagreement interlocutor with our opinion. And yet we hope that this disagreement, if any, will be expressed at the right moment, in a delicate form, will not hurt us, and that our opponent will provide proof of the correctness of his point of view.

Any communication can only be mutual. For example, any attempts at marital communication are doomed to failure if one of the spouses does not want to discuss anything with his other half, constantly and deliberately limited only monosyllabic answers or replicas and shows his full reluctance to talk. Pretty soon, this leads to a break in communication and relationships, as well as attempts to find a person “on the side” with whom one could communicate.

These detours in search of an object of communication, they often diminish a person's self-esteem, and this feeling is a very important component of true, real communication. Indeed, how little a person respects himself, the more difficult it is for him to communicate with other people. Thus, a person gets into vicious circle from which it will be quite difficult for him to get out.

Full communication suggests in the interlocutors whole and mature personalities striving for harmony, people with an open heart, who are distinguished by directness, sincerity and liveliness. We trust such people easily, because they give us a sense of confidence and stability, allow us to believe that we know where we are going, and feel comfortable and free. When one interlocutor looks into the eyes of another and his face is adorned smile, he attracts us, disposes to himself, and we are ready to even forgive him for some kind of guilt. Against, angry, stern, or gloomy facial expression, as well as permanent evasions and evasions interlocutor make him unpleasant and even dangerous for us. This forces us to "keep our distance" and remain wary of him.

Lack of openness in communication contributes to the gradual disappearance of trust, love and self-respect. Sometimes two people live together, but at the same time, chaos reigns in the relationship between them, since there is no internal communication. On the contrary, a person can be bodily far from another, but feel closely connected with him.

In some cases, people "explode", feel uncontrollable anger. By itself, this feeling does not mean much, but its manifestations can be destructive, and sometimes even cause irreparable damage to relationships. That is why it is desirable for both adults and children in the family to learn restrain yourself and do not act thoughtlessly during an outburst of anger, both one's own and someone from the household.

The biggest barrier to communication is selfishness, sticking out his "ego". The spirit of individualism, complete autonomy, absolute independence of a person from everyone and everything today can be called all-pervading. In a family imbued with this spirit, alienation and the lack of good, proper communication reign, to the point that one family member often does not even know what the others are doing and what they think, not to mention the lack of common affairs and responsibility, interests and aspirations. . Like type of living together can rather be described as "hotel" which, of course, is neither desirable nor acceptable. Only in such a family, in which "I" has become practically one with "you", communication is complete and overcomes any obstacles.

Let's talk about ways to communicate effectively to resolve communication problems.

As often happens in life, we either simply do not hear what another person is telling us, or we get annoyed at a remark that seems to be fair, and do not want to fulfill any requests. And it doesn’t matter who communicates with whom: parents with children, spouses among themselves, business partners, just acquaintances or friends.

And this happens because sometimes we do not know the laws and rules of communication.

There are two forms of addressing another person: "You-message" and "I-message".

“You-message” disrupts communication, as it causes a person to feel resentment and bitterness, it seems that the other is always right. The "You-message" uses the words: you, you, you.

Here are examples of "You-messages": "You never take out the trash can" (the person feels guilty), "Turn off this music immediately!" (“collision”, ban), “When are you finally going to clean your room?” (accusation), "How are you talking to me?" (condemnation, threat), “When will you learn to clean up after yourself?” (accusation), “Well, what kind of look do you have?” (condemnation), etc.

Familiar phrases? How often do we say them and wonder why they remain, at best, unanswered (after all, we tell the truth and want only good things!), and sometimes cause a flurry of indignation, objections, protest, resentment and other negative feelings, instead of comply with our request.

But each “You-message”, in fact, contains an attack, criticism or just an accusation of a person, and, of course, causes a corresponding reaction of a person: from resentment and self-defense, to retaliatory attacks and insolence.

"I-message" is more effective way communication, maintains favorable relationships between people. The "I-message" uses the words: I, I have, me.

Let's try to convert the above "You-messages" into "I-messages": "I am very tired, please take out the trash can", "I have a headache, please turn off the music", "I am very angry when things scattered around the house. Be kind, clean up after yourself”, “I am very unpleasant and offended when they talk to me like that”, “I am perplexed by this appearance.”

At first glance, the difference between "I" and "You-messages" is small. Moreover, the latter are more familiar and “more convenient”. However, I-messages have a number of advantages over You-messages.

Firstly, it allows you to express your negative feelings instead of repressing them.

Secondly- we, as it were, take off the mask of the “educator” and become ourselves, approach each other.

Thirdly- when we are sincere and open in expressing our feelings, our interlocutor also begins to trust us.

And, finally, by expressing our feelings without an order, condemnation and “collision”, we give the interlocutor the right to make a decision himself.
In addition, the "I-message" is a more effective way of influencing a person to change his behavior, which we do not accept, and at the same time maintains favorable relationships between people.

Let's look at this using the example of a message from a parent who is tired and does not feel like playing with a child:

• A tired parent sends the child a "You-message": "You bore me", and the child perceives the information as - "I'm bad."
• A tired parent sends an "I-message" to the child: "I'm very tired", the child's reaction is "Daddy is tired."

The I-message model consists of three parts:

• event (when...., if...);
• your reaction (I feel...);
• your preferred outcome (I would like...; I would prefer...; I would be glad to...);

In communication, you can use a shortened form of "I-messages". For example: "When I see dirty dishes, I get goosebumps."

The main purpose of the "I-message" is not to force someone to do something, but to communicate their opinion, their position, their feelings and needs; in this form, the other will hear and understand them much faster.

Learning how to send "I-messages" is not easy, there may be mistakes in the beginning. And the main one is that sometimes, starting with an “I-message”, we end up with a “You-message”. For example: “It annoys me that you don’t clean your room!” (compare: “I am annoyed by the mess in the room!”). You can avoid mistakes by using impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns that generalize words.

Start using the “I-message” in communication and you will feel how the atmosphere will change, how your relationship will warm up.