“... And then the collapse of the Union happened and, remaining
out of work, father got drunk, hard and soundly "

Every time I go outside in the evening, I find the constellation Ursa Major in the sky. I don’t remember where this habit came from, but I always do it. I go out, raise my eyes, as if greeting an old friend, and go about my business.

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My father taught me almost everything

My first read fairy tale, "Tiny-Khavroshechka", I tirelessly told my dad every evening. I went to the library with my dad, and soon there were no children's in the village library, and later teenage ones, which I did not read.

And then the collapse of the Soviet Union happened. The plant where my father worked for many years and was the only foundry specialist in the area was closed. And dad turned from a breadwinner and breadwinner into a non-working burden on my mother's shoulders.

And he drank, hard and soundly

It seemed to me that everything would change, that everything would be the same. Until one day a tragedy happened in my, personally, my life. My father beat me. With a hangover, he was bad, and I went inflated. I really wanted to show him how angry I was with him. It seemed to me that he would understand something. And he hit me once, then twice.

I hid in a corner, and he stood over me with a raised fist and yelled terribly. He had terrible eyes. Then I realized that nothing would change. The past cannot be returned. In the morning, instead of going to school, I took the money I had collected for a gift for my mother, went to the bus station and left for the neighboring regional center.

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I wandered for two days

The money ran out very quickly and I wanted to eat. Some older guys pestered me, invited me to their place. It was scary. I approached a woman at the station who seemed kind to me and asked her for a coin for a pay phone.

She asked why, and I honestly told her that I had run away from home and wanted to call my mother. The woman got alarmed, took me to a pay phone, made sure that I called my mother, and then she talked to her herself and told my mother that she would take me to her, told me where she lives. We went to her, she fed me.

A couple of hours later my mother came and took me home. At home, she tried to find out why I did it. And I asked to leave my father, not to live with him. I couldn't see him die.

But my mother told me to be patient. And I realized again that nothing will change. Then I made my first adult, conscious decision. I need to study in order to enter and leave my parental home.

The day after graduation, I left my parents' house.

I couldn’t not visit my parents at all, I depended on them financially. But I rarely went home and for a couple of days.

Recently in our city happened terrible tragedy. The boy committed suicide. The boy lost his nerve, the child could not stand it. Having learned this story, I suddenly remembered how once my nerves had given up. Just like I once could not endure the collapse of my universe.

I experienced again all those black emotions. I was scared and sorry. And inside grew a black lump that threatened to explode.

I wanted to walk alone. I went outside and found the Big Dipper. And then I remembered where I got this habit from. Dad taught me to find the Big Dipper, and other constellations from it.

Memories flooded from all corners and nooks and crannies of my memory. I cried out loud. My subconscious, along with the story of my escape, also removed the memories of all the good things that happened in my childhood.

And it's all about dad

I only remembered him drunk, angry, I remembered how he stole my pocket money and bed linen, which was bought for me as a dowry. I remember how he beat me. My most important feeling towards my parents was resentment.

But now I'm an adult. And you can see a lot from a different angle. And try to understand, and maybe forgive.

It's bad, very bad, that my father started drinking. He could not find another way out, he turned out to be, perhaps, a weakling ... But he - best dad in the world. And my childhood was happy. I have something good to remember. And all that was bad, as my grandmother says: "Let him go to the dry forest" ...

That same evening, I called my parents and asked my dad if he remembered the fairy tale that I read first. “Tiny-Khavroshechka,” dad said with a laugh, “how can I forget her, I listened to her for a year and a half in the evenings. And then they were looking for the Big Dipper.

Dear readers! Are you close to the experiences of the heroine of the story? Have you ever witnessed the "death" of a loved one? Were you able to forgive him? We are waiting for your answers in the comments.

Living in a home where an alcoholic mother or father is an unbearable ordeal for children. Parents are in an insane state, they are not interested in everyday chores, as well as solving problems. Addiction to alcohol develops against the background of uncontrolled consumption of a large volume of alcoholic beverages. As a result, complete chaos reigns in the family: dirt, lack of money, hungry children, quarrels, fights and even murders. The child is traumatized for the rest of his life.

Signs of Addiction

The first thing that betrays an alcoholic is behavior. According to statistics, 3.5 million people in Russia are alcohol dependent and 68–70% drink alcohol every day. The following signs will help distinguish domestic drunkenness from alcoholism:

• the person is drunk most of the time;
• frequent deterioration of health;
• no vomiting or nausea with prolonged use of alcohol;
• sudden mood swings, irritability, anger;
• in a drunken state, aggression occurs.

• sleep becomes sensitive, insomnia develops;
• the nervous system suffers, because of which dad feels fear and anxiety;
• withdrawal symptoms (nutrient deficiencies and dehydration lead to the fact that every morning after drinking the father feels bad);
• hangover needs.

At stages 1-2, treatment is required. If this is not done, then the 3rd stage will follow - psychological disorders. There is a chronic and constant need for a new dose of alcohol. Diseases develop internal organs, the heart and blood vessels are under stress, the man runs the risk of becoming impotent. Become noticeable external signs alcoholism:

• imbalance of thermoregulation - increased sweating, profuse salivation;
• hand shaking (tremor);
• nose becomes red, streaked;
• gait - caricature, peculiar;
• face, arms and legs become puffy, puffy.

The 3rd stage is characterized by the degradation of the personality. The brain of an alcoholic father is gradually destroyed, psychosis and hysteria occur. Over time, this condition leads a person to death.

Understanding the reasons

Children perceive drunkenness of the father as a disease. And the hangover syndrome that follows leaves no doubt about the seriousness of the parent's illness. Over the years, the child tends to blame his own actions for what is happening:

• did not cope with his father's assignment;
• got an A in school
• didn’t manage to do push-ups or pull up as many times as dad wanted, etc.

The reasons why a father drinks do not depend on the child. It's about the alcoholic. However, children in their own way think everything up and try to somehow justify the current tragedy. In medicine, there are 3 categories of causes: social, psychological, physiological. Paternal alcoholism occurs against the background of:

1. Hard labor. Stress at work or strained relationships with colleagues, superiors.
2. Unclaimed. Lost a job, business collapsed (other reasons for loss of income).
3. Serious illness, depression.
4. Conflicts within the family. The wife or parents are too demanding of a man. There is no mutual understanding between spouses.
5. Troubles, tragedies, death of loved ones.
6. Unjustified hopes. Needs are higher than income, low salary, arrogance, when a person is in an eternal search for a better job and life.
7. Problems of a sexual nature.

The list of reasons can go on and on. The important thing is that the father does not want to solve them. Starting to drink, he is forgotten, letting life take its course. It makes no sense to figure out which of the reasons brought the father to alcoholism - this will not solve the problem. Over time, there is no reason for drinking, but the addiction is formed and a person cannot overcome it.

How to behave if dad drinks

For a frank conversation, close relatives, parents of friends are suitable. The child should find a person whom the father trusts (dad's parents, brother or his friend), and let them ask him to stop drinking.

It is necessary to start a conversation on your own when the father is sober, but without making claims. You can remember bright and pleasant moments. It will not be superfluous to praise for sobriety and explain why it is so important not to drink. At the end - sincere requests, gleaned from negative memories of a bad life, when the father is drunk, will cause pity in him. The main thing is that it should not be feigned, but from the heart. Then ask your dad to stop.

V emergency when he is rowdy, and the mother is not around, the child urgently needs to leave the house. It is better to think in advance where to go - to your grandmother, aunt, friends, etc. It is forbidden to do the following:

• take away the bottle
• to have intelligible conversations;
• expel drinking companions (if any);
• stay in a house / apartment with drunk and inadequate people.

Children of drinking parents should know that after drinking, a person has an abstinence syndrome. Only doctors can help you deal with it. You need to call an ambulance.

Help for an alcoholic father

Even a child can influence dad to stop drinking. However, the younger the child, the more difficult. V school age child:

• can only talk with a sober father about the perception of the problem and further treatment;
• tell relatives about the problem.

Children over 18 years of age will be able to provide specific assistance so that dad does not drink. Action algorithm:

1. Persuade him to visit a psychiatrist and psychologist.
2. Offer dad to call a doctor at home to detoxify the body. Purified blood will improve well-being.
3. Take your father for treatment and rehabilitation to a drug treatment clinic.
4. Help with household chores if the parent stops drinking on their own.
5. Remove all alcohol in the house.

It is important to understand that without the consent and desire of the father, it may not be possible to change his life. It's a long journey that requires motivation and patience.

The likelihood of quitting alcohol

The family is a powerful tool for treating the drinking person. The age of the patient, the number of years of existence of the problem and the degree of destructive processes in the body play a big role. If the father has not yet reached old age and has recently begun to drink, the strongest psychological support will affect the result. Children demonstrating healthy lifestyle life, affection and love for the father, often save him from degradation.

Drunkenness is not a whim of a person, but a disease that is almost impossible to get rid of alone. Child forgiving offenses drinking father, gives him a psychological resource for recovery.

It is more difficult if the “alcoholic” experience is long. A person simply does not know how it is to live normal life. Every conscientious alcoholic, deep down, wants to stop drinking. But the disease is stronger than the idea. Don't give up on unsuccessful attempts. We must again and again fight for the sobriety of the mind and the health of the father.

My name is Masha, I am 26 years old. My father died at the end of last year. He was only 52 years old, he was an alcoholic. When he died, I was not surprised, I was practically not upset, I did not cry. I didn't care, it just pissed me off that on New Year's Eve, instead of pleasant holiday chores, I had to attend to the funeral. In my entire life, he gave me nothing and left nothing, except for a murdered odnushka, a bunch of complexes, mental trauma and terrible childhood memories, he spoiled my mother and I all my life with his drunkenness. I am writing this and I know that later I will most likely be ashamed of the fact that I “took dirty linen out of the hut”, said nasty things about my dear person, especially the already deceased ...

I grew up in a sense of eternal chaos. I never knew what to expect. I remember I was five or six years old when my mother went on a business trip and left me with my father. I woke up in the morning, drank milk with dryers, and then sat waiting for my dad to wake up and let me go for a walk. I sat on the windowsill hungry and looked out the window at how my friends were playing in the yard. Father slept until dinner, always got up shaggy and angry, began to find fault with me. Then, as I later realized, he got drunk and became just a super-daddy - a humorous, kind, just a golden person who joked, gave me money and kicked me out for a walk. And the next day, everything is new: a hangover, nitpicking and insults. It all torn me apart, especially when he yelled at my mother and lied that he didn’t drink, played with me and everything was fine with us.

All weekends and holidays, all birthdays, every New Year- everything is spoiled, spoiled by father's drunkenness. His mother worked hard at two jobs, and he was constantly stuck at home, because he was expelled from everywhere. He did not go on a binge, but he could easily oversleep, be late, not answer when the boss calls, or simply not go out because he was sick with a hangover.

What is the wildest thing for me: he died of cirrhosis, but he never recognized himself as an alcoholic! He always said that everything was fine with him, that it was my mother and I who were persecuting him, and he was just a muzzled person who was tired of life and so relieves stress. He simply loved to complain about his miserable life and blame everyone. Perhaps, if it weren’t for this trait of his, I could still communicate with him sometimes, but listening to the same thing every time about how bad everyone around was unbearable. I did not respect my father and never knew what it was like when a daughter is proud of her father, feels loved, protected, valuable. I am writing this now, and at the very tears a river of resentment.

It is terrible that because of vodka the whole life of a person and his family goes downhill.

I don’t understand: why do you drinking men get married and have children? You don't need them!! My father was never interested in my affairs! He didn't know anything about me! Never supported in anything - neither morally nor financially. All my childhood and all my youth, he either lay in front of the TV set on his sagging old sofa, or drank in the kitchen with a neighbor. When mother came and kicked them out, they continued in the yard. And I, a child, was embarrassed to go out into the street then, because I was ashamed of my drunken father, who would fall asleep in the bushes, then urinate in public, then run into gopota and then walk with a black eye. Once he got drunk, went for cigarettes, slipped in the entrance on the stairs and knocked out two front teeth. So then all my life I walked, and did not put it in.

I am 26 years old, and I have never had a normal relationship with a guy. Although I'm slim, young, sort of nice girl, I am valued at work, I can’t have a relationship. I feel very lonely, I suffer a lot because of this.

When the film shows happy family, caring father, normal relationship, I feel so hurt and hurt that I can burst into tears. But the worst thing is my self-doubt and resentment for an unhappy childhood. I don't know how to forget and forgive. I have tried all sorts different techniques and went to a psychologist, but it did not get any easier. I don't know what should happen. He's already dead, I'm an adult, I don't drink, I have my own good life, my mother is alive and well, thank God, she divorced her father a long time ago, moved in with her colleague. It would seem that if you repair your father’s apartment or sell it and buy a new one, get married, live and be happy. And I can't live. I am constantly tense, constantly waiting for a dirty trick, I often cry, I can suddenly flare up and yell at a person. Then I feel ashamed, but for some reason I can’t apologize either, although I scold terribly inside myself! In general, I am a terrible pessimist by nature - I very rarely experience a feeling of true joy, not to mention happiness - something always gets in the way.

I think a lot about how my life could have turned out if my father didn’t drink at all, if we lived together, if they gave birth to a sister or brother to me ... What would I be like? Would my father be alive now? Only these dreams give an outlet, at least some support. I dream, and it seems to be easier for me.

American psychologist Eric Burne put forward a hypothesis about predestination life path many - and even most - people of the so-called. "life scripts": human relationships, behavioral habits, and worldviews learned uncritically in childhood.

For example, psychological research show that almost 60% of the daughters of alcoholics marry ... alcoholics!

Why is this happening? And how can the daughter of an alcoholic overcome her negative life script?

Wiki history

Vika is the daughter of an officer and a teacher. Her mother is energetic, strong-willed and authoritative, while her father was distinguished by a weak will. Addicted to cheerful companies and hard liquor made him eventually an alcoholic. However, Vika's mother did not divorce her husband: she was not - or did not consider herself - a particularly attractive woman: in her opinion, it is better to have an alcoholic husband than to live without a husband at all.

As a child, Vika had to go through a lot. Several times they hid with their mother at the neighbors while their father raged in the apartment. When sober, he always apologized, which seemed to his daughter even more unpleasant than his rampage.

Gradually she moved away from her father. Their communication became formal. The father hardly spoke to his daughter, she also avoided him. It was something like a cold war.

Father never really hit Vika's mother: he was afraid of his wife. However, there was a case when he swung an ax at her. Vika, like her mother, distinguished by a strong, resolute character, at that moment stood behind her father. She was then 15 years old, but she was already tall and strong, and her father was small in stature. She managed to push her father so hard from behind that he fell and hit hard.

However, Vika did not feel sorry for her father and believed that she had done well.

When Vika was 17 years old, her father died. He went fishing with his friends. They drank well and in this state went far into the lake (this is Lake Ladoga, as you know, the largest in Europe). A storm began, the boat capsized - and everyone died.

Neither Vicki's mother nor she herself was particularly worried about the death of her father.

Vika got married quite late. When the son Mitya was born, she and her husband began to gradually move away from each other. The husband often went away, and soon Vika realized that he was drinking. Scandals began.

So it took almost 5 years, and finally, they dispersed.

The ex-husband found another woman drinking. And Vika for some time - almost until the age of 30-35 - lived alone with her son and, according to her, felt good.

But then she became worried that she would be alone for the rest of her life. This anxiety led her to a psychologist.

Wiki Life Scenario Analysis

In the course of therapy, Vika realized that in her childhood she uncritically learned from her mother some worldview attitudes related to relationships with men, love and marriage.

1) A man is a means to create a family. Thanks to the husband, you can have a child, the husband brings money to the house. But he's not good for anything else.

2) Men often drink. This is natural and almost inevitable. The dignity of a woman is to endure and remain an honest wife and mother.

3) Attractive women are rare. Therefore, you should be happy if you have at least some kind of close man.

Thus, her scenario is something like this: get married without love, relations with her husband are cool, he will drink, and in the end you will completely move away from each other, but you will put up with it.

Only the last point did not quite come true. However, the initiator of the divorce is not Vika, but her husband.

Needless to say, Vika was not aware of these attitudes, which did not prevent her from acting in accordance with them. She admitted that she had never felt much love for her husband, but her age was no longer young, and she wanted to have a family. She did not know about his addiction to alcohol before the wedding.

As you can see, Vika chose her husband the same way as her mother, and her relationship with her husband is similar to the relationship of her parents.

She couldn't get over her script because she wasn't aware of it.

Why can the daughter of an alcoholic marry an alcoholic?

There are many reasons. Most often, a combination of several of the following factors leads to a repetition of the fate of the mother.

1. If a father drinks, then his behavior, appearance (even the smell, and, as you know, olfactory impressions are of great importance for women), attitude towards his wife and daughter are such that they repel his daughter from him. Such a man, as a rule, is not able to be attentive to his daughter, to give her the love that she needs so much.

It would seem that it is not difficult to act on the principle of "on the contrary" (not like parents, but vice versa), if not for one "but". It is written in the subconscious that my father and my mother are exemplary, reference men and women, so it is easier and more natural to build your life in their image and likeness. This is not even psychology, but physiology: the so-called phenomenon of imprinting. It's just easier that way: it doesn't require conscious effort, self-change.

In addition, the father is the first man in the life of every woman. His attitude towards his daughter is the standard against which she then compares the behavior of all the men who are interested in her.

2. The girl needs her father's approval, that he accepts her and loves her. An alcoholic father, as a rule, cannot give this. Children tend to take the blame for what is happening on themselves, it often seems to them that if they did something differently, then adults would behave differently. This is how an inferiority complex appears: the confidence of a girl, and then a woman, that she is unworthy of love.

3. Often, children who grew up in a family of alcoholics have a subconscious attitude: “I didn’t manage it, I had to do something differently, and then everything would be fine.” Together with a sense of guilt, it includes a mechanism for duplicating the situation, as it were, the formation of a second chance to overcome it and a false way out of the guilt complex.

4. Finally, children have phenomenal adaptive abilities. They adapt to anything, even the most abnormal relationships, managing to find something in them that satisfies them. So suffering can give significant bonuses: being a victim means guaranteed to receive the support of others; to be a mother's support - to maintain one's self-esteem, adulthood, the ability to be "good" against the background of parents unable to solve their problems; keeping a distance in relationships with others (after all, you can not reckon with an alcoholic) is an opportunity to satisfy your inner needs without taking into account the opinions of your parents, and then other people.

As a result, the daughter of an alcoholic does not believe in herself, in her fullness as a woman, because she has no experience of relationships with a non-alcoholic man and she is afraid of being insolvent in such relationships. Therefore, without noticing it herself, she avoids non-drinking men - and eventually converges with the drinker.

It can be argued that most of us have an attachment to our childhood experiences - whatever they may be. Fear of the new and the unknown is also a characteristic feature of most people.

Psychologist's help in overcoming a negative life scenario

Primarily, The job of a psychologist is to help the client to realize what drives her, since these driving forces that determine her life are still hidden from her.

She must see her fear and realize her attachment to the past, which makes her unfree. Her task is to internally distance herself from this experience.

Moreover, she needs to feel repulsion, even disgust, for such a life: life with an alcoholic.

By the way, 40% of the daughters of alcoholics who managed to create a normal family are just those girls who emotionally strove to get away from what surrounded them in childhood at all costs. This emotional rejection turned out to be stronger than attachment to the past and fear of the unknown. And they got over their script.

An important place is occupied by work on traumatic childhood experiences, and on a sense of self-worth, and on the entire system of beliefs and ideas of the client.

The first task of the psychologist is to strengthen the client’s faith in herself, to help her believe in her feminine fullness, that love exists on Earth not only for other women, but also for her, that not everything is lost, that she needs not an ersatz, not only some kind of husband - but a loving and beloved person. That it is possible for her to meet him.

Such faith is valuable in itself: regardless of whether this meeting takes place or not.

The second big task is the actual awareness life scenario. Remember, we talked above about psychological benefits, about the fact that, ultimately, a person adapts to the situation in which he lives and begins to satisfy part of his internal needs with its help. Understanding this means getting a chance to fulfill your need for love and support without playing the role of a victim. In therapy, you can learn to be happy without creating additional difficulties for yourself.

And, of course, this is the construction of a new life scenario, where there is no place for addiction and alcoholism.

Vika managed to understand herself, as she is a strong-willed person, able to be critical of herself and she really wanted to change her life.

She remarried at the age of 38, when Mitya was already 7 years old, and is much happier with her second marriage than her first.