Amy Banks

Practicing psychotherapist, former lecturer at Harvard Medical School, director of the Center for Excellence at Wellesley College. Having dedicated her career to researching the neuroscience of human relationships, Amy Banks has developed a simple guide to improving communication for clinicians and the general public.

After 15 years of psychotherapy, the author of the book argues that the mindset on building boundaries that is instilled in us from childhood (think for yourself, be independent from parents, stand on your own feet, not be emotionally attached to friends or lovers) is outdated.

Recent studies have shown that people who do not have meaningful close relationships with others have more problems with cardiovascular system, are more likely to get cancer, and their risk of premature death is 340% higher.

According to a more productive approach of relational-cultural theory, there are no walls between people. The normal functioning of the autonomic and central nervous systems, as well as the dopamine reward system, is impossible if you are isolated from others.

At the same time, strengthening the necessary neural pathways is possible at any age.

Each of the neural pathways forms a feedback loop. Include good relationships in it and it will strengthen the corresponding neural pathway. Strengthen the neural pathway - and your relationship will bring you even more pleasure. Each of the paths contains many areas where you can intervene and activate the entire system.

We face different situations in life. With an unfortunate combination of circumstances, a person may develop poorly the mechanisms of the nervous system responsible for interacting with others. However, to deny their presence is to equate your brain with the brain of reptiles.

In any case, the body is inclined to take its own. If dopamine levels do not rise in healthy ways, such as empathic communication, then there are habits that are usually attributed to: drugs, compulsive sex, gambling. In addition, even if you are the most talented specialist in your field, without good social skills you are unlikely to achieve success worthy of your knowledge.

It may seem that this book is a call to abandon individuality and join the herd. However, its purpose is different. The approach described here will help improve the quality of those relationships that are valuable to you, form the correct structure of the brain and correct distorted relationship patterns.

• what relationships are most important to you;
• what goes wrong in your brain;
• that in communication eludes your attention.

Based on this assessment, you will be able to choose a development strategy and, with the help of appropriate exercises, learn to react without aggression even to people you don’t like.

Do you want to be happier? Do you want to live longer? Want to be healthier in mind and body? If so, mastering these four ways to form more meaningful relationships that bring deep inner fulfillment is your key to achieving these goals. Let Amy Banks show you the way to a better life filled with love and laughter. Enjoy reading!

Who is this book for:
For everyone who wants to establish strong bonds with other people and become happier.

Quotes from the book:
Relationships and health:
After taking into account risk factors such as age, gender, nutrition, physical health, stress, and smoking, the researchers found that participants who considered social support inadequate had a 340 percent higher rate of premature death than those who were satisfied with social support. them support.
The burden of shame and rage:
In an environment with a high level of rivalry, all relationship models are distorted. Evidence of this can be found in the behavior of adults who feel the need to control people. Another extreme is a person who easily takes on the role of an outsider. The first type bears the burden of rage, while the second type bears the burden of shame.
Mirror system:
A number of experiments have shown that the mirror system works at a deep level. If you see a person in pain, your brain mimics that experience. When you watch another person smile or frown, the same parts of your brain are activated, although their activity will be less intense.
Introverts:
Introversion is a normal innate quality. Quietness and solitude are very important for introverts, as they allow them to feel alert. However, introverts with healthy nervous systems definitely enjoy relationships. They just prefer to communicate with a limited circle of their closest friends.
Scenes of violence:
You should limit the viewing of any photos and videos with scenes of violence. If you are a gamer and love to play bloody games, try switching to other genres. If you find it difficult to do this, remember that every scene of violence you see is displayed in your body and brain as if you were the perpetrator or the victim.
More sun!
One of the easiest things you can do for your brain is spend more time in the sun. Sun rays play a key role in maintaining your health. They improve blood circulation in the brain and contribute to the regulation of key neurotransmitters - serotonin and melatonin.

Borders are exaggerated

A new look at relationships

Borders are exaggerated.

If you feel the need for a healthier, more mature relationship, want to let go of the old ways of building relationships that bring you pain, are tired of feeling emotionally detached from the people you spend time with, intend to develop your inner world, then first question the idea of the existence of a clearly defined boundary between you and the people with whom you most often communicate.

People who talk a lot about such boundaries tend to have the following beliefs:

• If you have a strong sense of self, you shouldn't care what other people do or say to you.
• How do parents determine that they have achieved success? When their children are not dependent on them.
• close friends and true love- this is the destiny of the young. As you get older, you naturally move away from people.
• You should not feel the need for others to complete you.
• You wouldn't have so many problems if you stood on your own feet.

The main idea of ​​all these statements is obvious: the need for other people is an unhealthy phenomenon, therefore, under no circumstances should you be influenced by their feelings, thoughts and emotions. The above statements are meant to have an emotional impact on you. You may have noticed that they sound somewhat disapproving and judgmental. They make me feel uncomfortable; reading them, I feel like I'm standing under a spotlight, and someone is pointing a finger at me and says: "You ruined everything and it's entirely your fault".

The ideal of absolute psychological independence dominated the minds of specialists in mental health most of the 20th century and still holds our culture by the throat. Even if all these boundary statements are painful, chances are they sound familiar and even obvious to you. Obvious!

Perhaps I should not have said that this is not true and that it is good to be dependent on someone, or that our mental health is directly dependent on the people with whom we share our lives, or that emotional growth can only be achieved if when we are deeply attached to the people around us, and not removed from them.

But that is exactly what I am saying.

This book presents a different approach to understanding emotional needs and what it means to be a healthy, mature, adult person. A new field of scientific research that I have named relationship neuroscience, showed that in the human body there is a kind of innate system that consists of four main neural pathways and allows us to maintain an emotional connection with other people. In addition, according to the neuroscience of relationships, detachment from people negatively affects neural pathways. The result is a cascade of neurological reactions that can lead to chronic irritability and anger, depression, addiction, and chronic somatic illness. We are not healthy enough to rely solely on our own strength, besides, the human brain is designed to function within the framework of warm human relationships. How to realize your personal and professional potential? By maintaining strong relationships with partners, friends, colleagues and family members. Only in this case, neural pathways receive stimulation that allows our brain to become calmer, more tolerant and more productive.

Good news for not too sociable people: You have the ability to repair and strengthen four neural pathways weakened by the lack of strong connections. Relationships and the brain form a virtuous circle, so strengthening your neural pathways and rewiring them to actively interact with others will help you form healthy relationships that are essential for your mental and physical health.

Many have realized the importance of relationships since the publication of the results of a study conducted at the University of Parma in 1998, which confirmed the idea that we are literally created to communicate with other people, right down to the structure of our brain.

Your feelings, my brain

It was one of those unexpectedly discovered successful scientific errors that might well have gone unnoticed if it had not been noticed by an astute researcher. When the team of University of Parma neurophysicist Giacomo Rizzolatti began their now-famous experiment, no one planned to study interactions between people. In fact, Italian scientists were mapping a small area of ​​the macaque brain known as the zona F5. At this stage of neurological research, it was already revealed that the neurons in the F5 area are activated when the monkey reaches out to get an object.

On a normal working day, Rizzolatti, while in the lab, suddenly noticed something unprecedented. When, being in the field of view of the monkey, in the F5 zone of which the microelectrodes were implanted, he reached out his hand to get something, the electrodes in the F5 zone of the monkey's brain were activated.

Don't forget that by that time it was already known that the F5 neurons fired if the monkey was trying to get something.

Note that the monkey did not hold out my hand, but only watched the movement of the hand researcher.

It seemed incredible. During the experiment, scientists proceeded from the fact that neurons responsible for actions and neurons responsible for sensory observations are two different groups of neurons. According to this point of view, sensory neurons receive information from the outside world, while motor neurons direct actions. So when the F5 area, known for its association with physical activity, activated in a monkey's brain, just observing behind someone's actions, it clearly contradicted such a belief. It seemed that the monkey brain and the human brain were somehow synchronized. Moreover, these two brains were as if combined, as if the physical movement of the researcher took place inside the monkey.

Continuing the experiment, Rizzolatti and other neuroscientists found that the human brain also has a mirror image effect. In other words, you understand me by performing an act of internal imitation, that is, by letting some of my actions and feelings into your head. Ask a friend to vigorously rub their hands as you look at them. Chances are good that once his hands get warm from the friction, you will feel the warmth in your hands too. After conducting an experiment with monkeys, a hypothesis was put forward about the presence in our brain of mirror neurons - nerve cells responsible for imitating other people. Most scientists no longer talk about the existence of special mirror neurons, declaring instead a mirror system that spans the entire brain, the tasks of which are performed by a number of brain regions and neural pathways. The copycat effect (explaining why your hands get warm when your friend rubs their) occurs because the neural circuits in your brain copy what you see and hear. Nerve cells in the frontal and prefrontal cortex (the ones that fire when you plan to rub your hands and then carry out this plan) begin to fire. At the same time, neurons in the somatosensory cortex (the area of ​​the brain responsible for bodily sensations) fire up and send you signals of friction and heat. At the deepest level of the brain, you rub your hands, even if they don't actually move.

In fact, this process goes far beyond simply displaying the actions of another person. Your mirror system is made up of neurons that are able to "see" or "hear" what someone else is doing. It involves neurons from other parts of the brain in the process of providing you with information not only about sensations and actions, but also about emotions, which allows you to create a complete, detailed picture of what your counterpart is experiencing. That is why you almost instantly capture the emotions of others. When you watch me rub my hands, your brain can read the excitement on my face, demonstrating how the mirror system works. Eventually you you can get upset yourself. If you have ever smiled back at a completely stranger or if your partner's hidden tension has made your heart beat faster, that's the mirror system at work. This emotional contagion occurs through a neural pathway that is essentially able to pick up another person's emotions and replicate them within you.

When I invite groups of people to experiment with rubbing their hands, two types of reactions usually follow. Some are astonished, as if they had just seen themselves pulling a rabbit out of a hat (neurological connection with other people seems like a miracle to them). Others immediately declare: “This is creepy!”

I understand why this is happening. You have been taught all your life that your mind is a small castle, surrounded by a high thick wall, designed to keep your thoughts and feelings inside, without letting in anything from the outside. Therefore, you may be confused about the power of the mirror system. In fact, its discovery calls into question some of the traditional assumptions about the structure of our brain and body. Vittorio Gallese, a neurophysiologist from the laboratory of the University of Parma, describes the role of the mirror system in human interaction as follows: “The mechanism of the neural network is involuntary, allowing us not to think about what other people are doing or feeling, but simply to know it.” UCLA psychiatry professor Marco Jacoboni, in his book Mirroring People, takes this idea even further, arguing that the mirror system helps us “understand our existential state and interaction with other people. [This suggests that] we are not alone, but are biologically designed and evolved to be deeply connected.”

The impression of interaction with each person remains in my nervous system. I literally store this contact in me as a neural imprint. The next time you hear someone say to you, "Don't let others influence your emotions," remember the mirror system, because we don't really have a choice. For better or worse, we are influenced by those around us, and we are not divided, as psychologists once believed.

Maturity takes on new meaning

When I say that the importance of boundaries is exaggerated, it does not mean that they do not exist or that humanity is one big uniform lump of brownish-beige. Also, I am not suggesting that anyone give up their individuality in order to fit into some group in which to maintain pleasant communication. No psychotherapist I know would approve of giving up their beliefs, preferences, and idiosyncrasies out of a desire to be part of a well-functioning (but faceless) whole.

In fact, for many decades, psychology has moved in a different direction, based on the assumption that the only way to develop a person is through emotional separation. According to the separation-individuation theory, most actively promoted by Margaret Mahler in the 1970s, we begin the process of separation during the first six to seven months of life when we realize that the person who cares for us is different from us. The separation-individuation theory says that the rest of life passes in full accordance with this discovery. At the accumulation stage practical experience, we supposedly go through a process of separation in which we try to first crawl away, and then get away from our mothers, and then return to them back. At the stage object persistence we develop the ability to store in memory an abstract image of the mother. This means that we are safe and can dare to move away from our mother, thereby developing our independence. As children of school age, we become more aggressive in trying to satisfy our personal desires. During puberty, we further move away from our parents, forming our gender identity and entering into intimate relationships with peers. What is adulthood? It is a continuous process of improving the ability to stand on one's own two feet, to alleviate one's suffering and solve one's problems on one's own. At each stage, the boundary separating us from other people becomes stronger and clearer. Separation-individuation theory has been discussed in thousands of books and dissertations, but here's how to formulate a brief conclusion: in order to develop, we must increasingly move away from people. A fully mature person may enjoy interacting with others, but in reality does not need in them. The essence of such a person is determined by stable boundaries, within which he is a self-sufficient individual.

Even before the discovery of the mirror neuron system and the discovery of additional evidence for a biological basis for human connections, some experts in the field wondered if the separation model had gone too far. As a result, a group of progressive mental health experts formed in the 1970s. Psychiatrist Jean Baker Miller and psychologists Judith Jordan, Irene Stiver, and Janet Surrey noticed that their patients did not suffer from weak boundaries and lack of independence from others. What they really suffer from is a lack of communication. Judith Jordan has this to say about this: “The self-separation model was erroneously based on the assumption that we are naturally motivated to create stronger boundaries, gain power over other people, and compete for limited resources. Interdependence helps us understand that human beings thrive in relationships that enable both parties to develop and contribute to forming a beneficial bond with each other.”

This approach to relationships allows us to present the various stages of human development, identified in accordance with the theory of separation-individuation, in a more favorable light. When a child crawls away from his mother, he does not try to separate himself from other people. On the contrary, he expands his world of relationships, moving towards more the number of connections, as well as the big world and its inhabitants, before returning back and enjoying communication with the mother. A baby who has just begun to walk and has learned the essence of object constancy does not seek to escape from his mother. The formation of a mental image of the mother allows him to be with her wherever he goes. The child develops the skill necessary to maintain relationships, regardless of time and distance. When school-age children interact with peers and make mistakes, they learn to manage relationships. Adolescents push the boundaries of their relational worlds even further. They discuss intimacy and learn how to be part of a group without giving in to peer pressure. At the heart of a new interpretation of the process age development lies the following statement: people do not reach maturity through separation. On the contrary, they form increasingly complex relationships. This approach to human development has its own name: relational cultural theory. As an aspiring psychiatrist, I have found it to be more effective than any other (including the separation-individuation theory) in helping people heal and develop. For twenty years I have applied relational cultural theory to solve the problems of patients and the disconnected world in which they live (as we all do).

There are several common ideas in separation theory and relational cultural theory: in order to be healthy, you must understand who you are, what your thoughts and feelings are. You must be aware that other people also have their own thoughts and feelings and that you need to differentiate yourself within certain relationships. However, according to the theory of separation, you learn about all this only in order to separate yourself from others. You can still connect and be part of a community, but your role as an adult is defined by your ability to manage everything that happens to you on your own. Such a psychology emphasizes the role of the defensive stance, as you constantly set and defend your boundaries, fearing the intrusion of other people's emotions and problems. In fact, this is how Freud understood the essence of life: “For a living organism, protection from irritations is perhaps a more important task than the perception of irritation.” Sad, isn't it? Separation theory says that there is always a wall between you and those around you.

But according to the relational-cultural theory, there are no walls between people. Good relations are fertile ground for the development and prosperity of people. A good relationship with your parents provides you with a sense of security and helps you connect with others. Through good relationships with peers, you can understand who you are, practice empathy skills, and master the ability to communicate. As you master the skills of forming relationships with other people, your need for them also increases.

Relational-cultural theory does not view people in terms of the boundaries separating them, but rather perceives relationships as connected rings of a magician, forming a single set, but not closed in a rigid configuration. They can move away and approach each other, or temporarily connect and intersect (this is where the magic lies). The same thing happens when you watch someone rub their hands and feel warm in your hands, or when you sometimes feel like you are in the other person's body, finishing sentences for them or feeling their sadness. This definition of relationship is flexible and dynamic. You meet, you feel each other, and then you move away again in order to assimilate what you have learned. Relationship maintenance is a dynamic process of acquiring, assimilating and integrating knowledge in order to gain a deeper and clearer understanding of oneself and another person.

Harmonious close relationships, or lack thereof, have a huge impact on our health and well-being. Psychiatrist and psychotherapist Amy Banks in the book “On the same wavelength” talks about the neurobiology of relationships and suggests literally “rewiring” your brain in order to be able to create harmonious relationships with others. Thanks to the Mann, Ivanov and Ferber publishing house, the book will soon be published in Russian. And with their permission, we publish several excerpts from it.

Amy Banks— MD, clinical psychiatrist and psychotherapist. For fifteen years, she has helped clients form strong bonds with others and heal nervous system disorders caused by social isolation and emotional withdrawal. In On the Same Wavelength, she talks about the neuroscience of relationships and invites us to rewire our brains for C.A.R.E. It includes four aspects, thanks to which we can build harmonious relationships: how calm we feel surrounded by other people (“C” - calm); whether they accept us ("A" - accepted); how we resonate with their inner world (“R” - resonate) and how these contacts energize us (“E” - energize).

The Amy Banks system is a series of simple actions that help us influence neural pathways and literally heal the brain and establish harmonious relationships with others at different levels: from cellular to behavioral.

As Daniel Siegel writes in the preface to this book, “Relationships are not just the most enjoyable aspect of life. Relationships are life."

On the same wave. Neurobiology of harmonious relationships. Amy Banks

calmness

Feeling calm is partly regulated by a neural pathway in the autonomic nervous system called the intelligent vagus nerve (intelligent vagus). When you experience anxiety, your primary brain tries to get involved, and if it takes over, the decisions it makes are far from the best for relationships. In the presence of strong connections with other people, the intelligent vagus can reduce the stress response and prevent the primary brain from taking control of what is happening. You become healthier, think more clearly, and have a creative approach to problem solving instead of succumbing to temper tantrums or running for your life.

However, if you are isolated from others, your intelligent vagus nerve may be in a state that neuroscientists call low tone. And in this case, the primary brain is able to take control of the situation. In the short term, this leads to relationship problems, and in the long term, it is fraught with the development of chronic stress, illness, depression, and increased irritability.

Adoption

The sense of belonging to a social group arises as a result of the correct functioning of the dorsal zone of the anterior cingulate cortex (dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, dACC), the role of which is displayed in the theory of superposition of physical and social pain. Its authors believe that social exclusion causes physical pain.

Unfortunately, a person who often experiences feelings of social exclusion can develop a dorsal anterior cingulate cortex that is highly responsive to social pain, causing them to feel rejected even when people are kind to them. Have you ever been in a situation where you were lashed out by a person after a completely seemingly harmless and friendly address, such as: “Listen, you look a little tired today. Are you okay?" Then you know what an overactive dorsal anterior cingulate cortex is.

Resonance

Resonance with other people (that feeling that arises among friends who understand each other perfectly) is formed through the mediation of the mirror system. As I said before, the sensations of other people literally leave an imprint in our nervous system. If mirror neural pathways are weak, it can be difficult to read others, or even give signals that allow them to read you.

Energy

Energy is a consequence of the work of the dopamine reward system, functioning in those parts of the brain that are responsible for relationships. Initially, a well-thought-out mechanism for improving life was laid in a person, which still exists. By engaging in healthy, developmental activities, we are rewarded with a release of dopamine, which activates the entire reward system and causes a wave of euphoria and a surge of energy. The elated effect that occurs after the release of dopamine is one of the benefits healthy lifestyle life. Water, a balanced diet, sex and relationships with other people stimulate the production of dopamine.

It was a simple and ingenious plan...until casinos, malls and opium dens came along. Sadly, if people don't truly enjoy relationships, they turn to less healthy sources of dopamine, such as shopping, drugs, or compulsive sex. By using them often enough, people can rewire their brains so that dopamine pathways are no longer related to relationships. In this case, even if there great relationship some people will not enjoy them.

Calm. Adoption. Resonance. Energy. Each of the four paths forms a feedback loop. Include good relationships in it and it will strengthen the corresponding neural pathway. Strengthen the neural pathway - and your relationship will bring you even more pleasure. Each of the paths contains many areas where you can intervene and activate the entire system.

"C" - "calm": intelligent vagus nerve

The human central nervous system is the control center for the electrical activity that initiates your thoughts and actions. The CNS contains an important subsystem: the autonomic nervous system, which allows you to quickly respond to threats and stress. It works constantly, performing its functions beyond your conscious understanding. This system covers the entire body, regulating the functioning of muscles, organs and glands. It used to be that the human autonomic nervous system consisted of two main parts: the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the famous fight-or-flight response; the parasympathetic nervous system, causing the "freeze" response.<…>

The “fight, flight or freeze” responses of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, identified in the early 20th century by the physiologist Walter Cannon, were considered in society and scientific circles to be the true model of the stress response. But times are changing. And scientists today are looking at people's responses to stress from a different angle, arguing that "fight, flight, or freeze" is not a complete list of the body's possible actions.

Most likely, as mammals evolved and the social complexity of life on Earth increased, there was a need (or opportunity) to use social ties to relieve stress. So you and I got a reasonable vagus - a vagus nerve that starts from the tenth cranial nerve at the base of the skull and goes to the front of the head, where it connects to the facial muscles of the face, as well as speech, swallowing and auditory muscles. (Yes, there are muscles in the hearing organs—tiny muscles in the inner ear.) When the facial expressions and voices of those around you convince you that these people are not a danger to you, the intelligent vagus signals the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems to shut down.

Basically, he's saying, "I'm with my friends, so everything will be fine. V this moment you don't have to fight, run or freeze." The intelligent vagus nerve is one reason why we are less stressed around people we trust. In addition, when you feel safe, your muscles, thanks to the intelligent vagus nerve, perform the motor work necessary to maintain contact with others. Your eyelids and eyebrows are lifted, making your face look more open. The muscles of the inner ear tense up and prepare you to actively perceive the words of the interlocutor. Without even thinking about it, you look directly into his eyes. You have a lively expression that accurately reflects your emotional reaction to the situation.

The mind vagus is the nerve that supports social interaction, allowing you to transmit and receive emotional information, which brings you closer to those around you and helps you feel calmer. This is precisely the "reasonableness" of the vagus nerve.

If the sentient vagus nerve senses that others are unsafe, it automatically shuts down and stops sending inhibitory signals to the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, leaving them free to unleash their stress response.

If you are really in danger, such a reaction is quite justified and will benefit you. But if you're around people who don't pose a threat, and your nervous system has misidentified them as unsafe, the fight-or-flight response becomes a problem. You end up experiencing the familiar sensations that come with stress: increased heart rate, sweaty palms, dry mouth, and mental confusion. You may not hit anyone, but you can unleash a quarrel.

Or resort to the social equivalent of running away (have you ever passed out mentally during an unpleasant conversation?). The parasympathetic “freeze” response is usually reserved for life-threatening events. However, in rare cases, people who have been significantly traumatized by others may turn off for a while in social situations. Moreover, their reaction goes far beyond nervous trembling; such people literally cannot speak or move.<…>

Infancy is the most important period for brain development, but believe me: in a dangerous environment, the intelligent vagus nerve of an older child or adult is bound to suffer too. If you are constantly in danger due to a bad family situation, high levels of violence in your area, or war, your brain responds rationally by being on high alert.<…>

The almost constant activation of the stress response is a kind of training for the neural pathways that provide the “fight, run or freeze” response: they become more stable and faster. The intelligent vagus, on the other hand, doesn't get the opportunity to exercise well and eventually loses its tone and weakens, leaving you with an active and hypersensitive set of stress responses that will cause you to perceive others as dangerous and evil, whatever the reality. This is a tragic situation, because we have an inherent desire to use safe relationships as a way to relieve stress. Without it, we may look more independent, but in reality we become weaker.

"A" stands for "acceptance": dorsal anterior cingulate cortex

In 2003, three UCLA scientists invited several volunteers to take part in an online ball-passing game called Cyberball. A volunteer would come into the lab and start playing a game while connected to an fMRI scanner. The game began quite friendly: the participant in the experiment and the researchers tossed the ball back and forth. Everything was going well. But over time, the volunteer was gradually removed from the game, and no one explained why. No one even acknowledged the fact that something unusual was happening. In the end, the participant in the experiment was generally left out of the game, while the other players continued to pass the ball to each other.

Compared to other forms of social isolation, such as being beaten up on the playground or being snubbed by someone who is different, being kicked out of Cyberball without explanation is the most innocuous event. However, researchers Naomi Eisenberger and Matthew Lieberman found that even this mild social isolation activates a specific part of the brain - the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex.

The dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, or dACC, is a small, narrow area of ​​brain tissue deep in the frontal lobe of the brain that is part of a complex signaling system that, until this experiment, was believed to cause negative sensations due to physical pain. Hit the corner of the kitchen table? dACC is activated. Pinched your fingers in a box? It's your dACC screaming, "Stop this terrible pain."

Therefore, the researchers were surprised when dACC was activated not because the person was hit or pinched, but because of a normal suspension from the game. Don't forget: the participants in the experiment did not experience any physical pain. They were simply ignored. The more emotional suffering the exclusion from the game caused the subject, the stronger the dACC region was excited. The authors of the study concluded that for our brain, the pain caused by social rejection is similar to the pain provoked by injury or illness. Our main signaling system is activated by both physical and social pain, and this confirms how important it is for us to be part of a social group, as well as how harmful it is for us to be excluded from it.<…>

The fact that this same region of dACC registers the stress associated with social exclusion was a real revelation for scientists, although I think that this discovery would have seemed elementary to our cave ancestors. The suffering caused by social pain warned them that it was extremely risky to live a lonely life. In a group, they could exchange information about food sources or unite to hunt a mammoth, and alone die of hunger or die in a fight with a beast.

Because humans are social beings by nature and need to interact with other humans, we must pay attention to the distress signal issued by the dACC. When we have feelings of isolation or alienation, we should be able to say, “This is a terrible feeling. I need to do something about it!” - and then direct all your energy to solving the problem. To do this, we can turn to reliable friends for help, if necessary, repair a crack in a relationship or reconnect after a long, sometimes difficult parting.

However, if we are supporters of the idea of ​​self-reliance and independence, we react to the emergency signal that our brain gives in a completely different way. Instead of listening to it, we try to suppress it: “To experience such feelings is stupid! I'm an adult, I don't need anyone!" or "I'll just deal with it." It's like hearing a smoke detector and walking away saying, "I guess I just need to get used to that awful sound." You are ignoring the cause of the alarm. Meanwhile, your house is slowly burning down.

In an environment with a high level of competition, value judgments and rejection, all relationship models are distorted, and dACC is more or less active. Evidence of this can be found in the behavior of adults who experience an exaggerated need to control a narrow circle of people at work or in social life. Such people may behave like kings or queens of the mountain, but the more they try to secure their place in the group by excluding others from it, the more anxious they feel when members of the group exclude them from among their “own”. If these people were not afraid to be frank, they would admit to you that being at the lowest rung of the hierarchy is so painful that they would avoid it at all costs, but being alone at the top rung is no less destructive.

Another extreme is a person who easily takes on the role of an outsider, without even expecting to become a member of any group. The first type bears the burden of rage, while the second type bears the burden of shame. Both emotions arise when a person feels unworthy to be part of a larger community, and both are cause and effect of social isolation as well as hyperactive dACC.

"R" stands for "resonance": a mirror system

Resonance is a deep non-verbal connection between our organs and the brain, due to which we feel warmth in the hands when another person rubs their hands, or feel the sadness of a friend before she talks about it.

The mirror system that creates resonance is the third neural pathway of C.A.R.E; her story is even more amazing when you consider the role she plays in understanding what the other person is saying. When you have ten minutes to spare, a clean pencil, and a friend nearby, do this experiment (designed by Paula Niedenthal of the Emotion Lab at the University of Wisconsin-Madison to emphasize the importance of the mirror system in rapport).

Sit opposite each other and remember some detailed emotional story. The first listener should place a pencil or pen horizontally in their mouth and keep it there while the other tells the story. Then switch roles.

Have any of you noticed that the process of listening to an interlocutor with a pen in your mouth is different from the usual process? I use this exercise with workshop participants, and every time I hear the same answers to this question. As a rule, at first, the narrators complain that they felt completely ridiculous trying to communicate with a person holding a pen in their mouth, and that this distracts from the flow of the story. As for the meaning of what they heard, the opinion of the subjects is usually unanimous: when the facial muscles are busy holding the pen in the mouth, it is much more difficult to perceive information.

To most of us, this conclusion may seem strange and unexpected. After all, the pen does not cover the ears. What does all this mean?

Steven Wilson was a graduate student at UCLA when he began studying the relationship between speaking and listening, using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to see what is happening in the brain. As a result, Wilson found that the participants in the experiment activated the same part of the brain when they listened and when they spoke.

In another study on overlapping listening and speaking, the German neurologist Ingo Meister used a new technique called transcranial magnetic stimulation that actually turns off the speech center in the human brain, and found that when the motor neurons that control speech are turned off, people harder to understand what they hear. In all likelihood, the internal imitation of another person's speech during a conversation is important for understanding what was said.<…>

Your brain doesn't just copy people's movements. A series of experiments since Rizzolatti's research have shown that the mirror system works at a deep level. If you see a person in pain, your brain mimics that experience. When you watch another person smile or frown, the same parts of your brain are activated, although their activity will be less intense. The mirror system is activated even when a person only hints at what he is going to do.<…>

Apparently, the mirror system is the most important element of the complex act of empathy. As soon as your mirror system registers information about a person's actions or feelings, that data passes through the insula, a small piece of neural tissue that lies deep in the brain and helps to correlate the content of the action with the feeling state. The experience that arose as a result of imitation becomes the feeling that you experience in connection with the emotions of another person.

Of course, this process has its limits. We do not copy all the actions that are performed before our eyes by another person, and we do not experience all the feelings that others experience. It would be too tiring and might even paralyze our activity. A world filled with unfiltered emotions would turn into a real nightmare! Fortunately, for most of us, biology has once again made life easier by creating an additional mirror system as an integral part of the great plan to understand other people.

An additional mirror system acts like a brake when idling a car. In modern cars with an automatic transmission, the initial mode of movement is set at the entrance to the traffic light. If you just take your foot off the gas pedal, the car will move on. If you want it to stop, you need to put your foot on the brake pedal.

In the same way, a conventional mirror system is constantly registering the feelings and actions of those around you, so it is sometimes necessary to "hit the brake" to stay in a neutral position. It is at this moment that the additional mirror system is launched. And thanks to her, you don’t have to cry too if someone is crying nearby, or repeat the movement of your hand when you see someone in a cafe reaching out for pastries.

UCLA psychiatry professor and author Marco Iacoboni believes that the Auxiliary Mirror System has a regulatory, inhibitory effect on the normal Mirror System so that we don't physically act out every action or feeling of the people around us. In collaboration with Itzhak Fried (a researcher who studied epilepsy by connecting electrodes to specific areas of the brain), Jacoboni began to map the accessory mirror system in the frontal lobe of the brain.

Whether you actually do something or just know that another person has done it depends on how the normal mirror system and the additional mirror system interact with each other. The first is activated both when you yourself move your hand and when you watch the person on the other side of the room do it. The second is more active when you are watching someone's hand move, and less active when you move your hand yourself.<…>

Many psychotherapists now view empathy as the most important element of a healthy healing relationship. However, the old approach is still reflected in the idea that we should not feel the need to connect with other people in order to share happiness or heartache, or that healthy people should avoid "capturing" the emotions of others.

Any time you receive an empathic signal that makes you feel uncomfortable (such as pain), you can discard it. But if you do this often enough, you can harm the mirror system, because it only develops with constant use and consists of neurons located in different areas of the brain, especially those that control actions, sensations and feelings. As you will see in the next chapter, complex neural pathways become stronger when they make strong connections under repeated stimulation.

It is this bonding of different parts of the brain that provides the formation of a three-dimensional perception of the world of another person. This gives you clearer, more complex information, which means that your empathic response is more in line with the other person's true feelings. In the absence of repeated stimulation, the pathways between neurons weaken and lose their ability to transmit signals. Our complex mirror system needs this kind of stimulation so that we can retain the gift of understanding each other.

Will we really lose the ability to communicate due to the rapid development of modern technology?

I don't think it will happen, but we need to educate children and adults about the role of the mirror system in human interaction, and teach them to support nervous system in proper condition. I am writing this chapter while I am sitting in the Panera restaurant, and the patrons of the restaurant are having good old-fashioned conversations around me. Elderly men and women sitting at a large table laugh, talk, drink coffee, eat muffins - and thereby stimulate their mirror system. Another group of co-workers is discussing a working draft; two people are leaning over their computers and typing something on them, the rest are talking, laughing, drinking coffee - and stimulating their mirror system.

My children are at school now. On a typical day, they might work in small groups in the lab, learn to assign tasks and collaborate on a report, goof around at lunch with friends, or ask teachers for help—in all of these interactions, they stimulate their mirror system. Nowadays, such communication between people is as widespread as Apple products. We are shaped not so much by the devices we use, but by the culture in which they are placed. If we, as a society, see human connections as the focus of our lives and recognize the need to stimulate our mirror system to maintain our ability to understand and cooperate with others, then the electronic world will follow suit.

"E" stands for "energy": the dopamine reward system

In the fourth neural pathway, we meet dopamine, a neurotransmitter that makes our lives much more enjoyable. Like many other neurotransmitters, dopamine performs different functions in our brain and body depending on which neural pathway it travels. The dopamine pathway directly associated with relationships, the neural pathway that enters the reward system and is known as the mesolimbic pathway, originates in the brainstem. It then sends projections to the amygdala, which is responsible for the formation of feelings and emotions, and passes to the thalamus, which acts as a kind of relay.

The mesolimbic pathway ends in the orbitomedial prefrontal cortex, where decision-making takes place, and then returns to the brain stem, forming a closed loop, and modulates the production of dopamine. Dopamine stimulation in this neural pathway allows you to experience pleasant emotions.

The goal of this system is to reward healthy growth-promoting activities (such as eating right, having sex, and maintaining warm relationships) with the release of dopamine, which makes us feel good. The upliftment we experience as a result motivates us to engage in these healthy activities even more. Such a system encourages people to do what is good for all of us.

It's a brilliant system, but only if it works properly. In an ideal world, a person is born with a brain that associates human communication with dopamine. During the first months and years of life, you develop such pleasant and healthy relationships with others that the dopamine system learns to establish an even closer connection between relationships and well-being. The results of one study showed that the more dopamine receptors in the striatum (part of the forebrain), the higher your social status and social support. The more dopamine, the stronger the connection between people.

However, what happens to this neural pathway if in the first months and years of life the child does not feel the care and support of others? What happens to children who are taught that independence should be above all else? With children who have been taught that relying on others is a sign of weakness and vulnerability?

In these children, the relationship is disconnected from the dopamine reward system. From the brain’s point of view, this is a perfectly logical defensive measure: if the relationship is threatening or unhealthy, it should not be associated with a rewarding release of dopamine. In adulthood these people do not get much pleasure from communicating with others and are unable to draw energy from it; on the contrary, it only empties and exhausts them.

If the dopamine reward system is not associated with healthy relationships, the brain looks for other ways to enjoy, and thus other ways to stimulate the dopamine system. These "other ways" are well known to all of us: overeating, alcohol and drug abuse, compulsive sex, shopping, risky activities, gambling. This is why you may have heard of the notoriety of the dopamine or mesolimbic pathway. It has recently been discovered that drugs (indeed, all addictive habits) stimulate the mesolimbic pathway and the production of dopamine. And the more often this happens, the more stable the addiction becomes.

The mechanism of addiction is specific and destructive. However, in some sense, we all strive to get more dopamine and live from one dopamine surge to another. What really matters is the source of dopamine. It can be life-affirming, like quenching your thirst or having a baby, or it can be destructive, like drug addiction. But each of us craves dopamine. Such is human physiology and the operation of the dopamine reward system.

When we are forced to be highly self-reliant, independent people, we risk limiting our access to basic useful resources dopamine. However, it is possible to rewire your brain so that you enjoy relationships more and seek to connect with others instead of looking for dangerous substitutes.

In The Neuroscience of Human Relationships, Luis Cozolino writes, “It is critical to realize that healing involves reconnecting the dopamine reward system to the relationship.” Through practice and understanding of how the dopamine system works, you can teach your brain how to stop looking for dopamine in the wrong places, and also show it that the most easy way feel better - talk to a person who does not pose a danger to you.

The scientific basis for this process is obvious. Social withdrawal stimulates our brain's pain pathways and stress response system, making us more likely to seek out harmful sources of dopamine. In addition, we deprive ourselves of the richness of human experience, of empathic connections, the complex network of which determines the depth and strength of feelings and emotions.

But there are many ways to fuel neural pathways to keep in touch with other people. If these neural pathways are damaged, you can start repairing them. If they are just abandoned, you can develop them. And if they are too tense, you can calm them down.

"S" means "calm". Make the Smart Vagus Nerve Even Smarter

Signs that relationships are strengthening the neural pathway of calmness:

I trust this person with my feelings.

"E" means "energy". Reconnect the Dopamine Reward System and Healthy Relationships

How do you know that a relationship with a particular person is stimulating your neural pathway of energy? According to the following indications:

Being in a relationship with this person helps me achieve more in life.

I love spending time with this person.

Laughter is one aspect of the relationship with this person.

Thanks to communication with this person, I am energized.

Amy Banks, Lee Hrushman. "On the same wave. Neurobiology of harmonious relationships”, M.2016.

“Borders are exaggerated,” says Amy Banks in her book, On the Same Wave. Neurobiology of harmonious relationships". Our culture tends to say that successful person- one that does not need other people. If you show that you need someone, you show your weakness. But the latest discoveries in neuroscience prove that the constant building of boundaries between people is unnatural to our nature.

A new field of scientific research, which I have called the neuroscience of relationships, has shown that there is an innate system in the human body that consists of four main neural pathways and allows us to maintain an emotional connection with other people. In addition, according to the neuroscience of relationships, detachment from people negatively affects neural pathways. The result is a cascade of neurological reactions that can lead to chronic irritability and anger, depression, addiction, and chronic somatic illness. The human brain is designed to function within warm human relationships.

So relationships affect the structure of the brain. If you have always tried to ignore the influence of other people in your life, it's time to reconsider your position with this fact in mind.

The book is written primarily for people who want to solve their personal problems of building relationships with others, be it family, colleagues or friends. It outlines the C.A.R.E. program that Amy Banks has been using for about 15 years with her patients.

C.A.R.E. program takes into account four important aspects of healthy relationships that are associated with four neural pathways. "C" is calm (calm), how calm we feel when surrounded by other people. The intelligent vagus nerve is responsible for this. "A" - acceptance (accepted), do people accept us, do we feel part of the group; it depends on the dorsal zone of the anterior cingulate cortex. "R" - resonance (resonate), how we resonate with their inner world; this aspect depends on the work of the mirror nervous system. And finally, "E" - energy (energize), how these contacts energize us. The latter is provided by the dopamine reward system. Yes, yes, healthy relationships are a natural dope that helps to live, study and work actively.

If the dopamine reward system is not associated with healthy relationships, the brain looks for other ways to enjoy, and thus other ways to stimulate the dopamine system. These "other ways" are well known to all of us: overeating, alcohol and drug abuse, compulsive sex, shopping, risky activities, gambling.

As you can see, the inability to build relationships with people is fraught with destructive consequences. What is, according to the author of the book, a healthy relationship? It's simple: it's a relationship that gives you the energy to grow.

Before giving your attention to a fragment of the book, I would like to note why it can be especially useful for teachers and parents.

Often communication problems remain outside the classroom at school, and the meaning good relations in the classroom for the success of each student is clearly underestimated. At the same time, almost every teacher met in his practice children who were prevented from being successful by such qualities as irresponsibility, aggression, isolation. Perhaps these children simply do not know how to build relationships? Or entire classes that are stubbornly silent at seminars and are not included in any way in your exciting pedagogical undertakings. Perhaps the students do not consider the relationship with you and with each other safe enough?

In short, working on interpersonal relationships can be a necessary step to solve many problems. Just learn and learn to enjoy them.

Three Rules for Brain Development

There are certain brain-altering rules that can be used to solve problems, restart the neural pathways of C.A.R.E. and strengthening relationships with others.

Rule number 1. Use or lose

A series of discoveries about the brain made at the turn of the 20th and 21st centuries led to the emergence of a treatment for disorders caused by the nervous system. All of these therapies allow for the rebuilding of neural pathways and are becoming increasingly common, especially in rehabilitation centers and rehab offices.

In other areas, including in the offices of psychotherapists, they are not yet familiar enough.

If your communication pathways aren't working the way you want them to, you can change them.

The turning point, which occurred in 1997, was the study of Peter Eriksson, a Swedish neuroscientist, who proved that the adult brain can produce new neurons. Previously, the adult brain was thought to be like the hairs on a balding skull: while losing neurons as you age is natural and not always a symptom of some disease, you can't grow them back. Eriksson's discovery had many consequences, but most importantly, it gave impetus to the development of an entirely new field of research - neuroplasticity.

It turns out that the adult brain can be changed different ways, just as a soft plastic polymer can be stretched and squeezed to shape it. The hardware analogy no longer matches the known facts. The brain is not immutable. It is more versatile and resilient than anyone could have imagined. And more alive.

Neural pathways constantly respond to the external environment. With repeated stimulation of one or another neural pathway, it becomes stronger. It produces more myelin, which speeds up the passage electrical impulses along the entire path, and more branches are formed, which makes the path wider.

(When viewed under a microscope, a well-pulsed path has so many branches that it resembles Einstein's tousled shaggy hair.)

Also, neural pathways compete with each other, so as you use one particular pathway more and more often, other pathways die off. As a result, there are fewer alternative neural pathways for transmitting electrical impulses. Instead of being scattered along several smaller pathways, more impulses are transmitted along a well-permeable neural pathway.

Neuroplasticity allows us to form new neural connections throughout our lives, which means changing our habitual behavior.

However, if the neurons are not stimulated long enough and your brain doesn't feel the need to use them, they can weaken.

If you were to look at the brain of a person who has lost care of one of the body parts due to its amputation or paralysis, you would see that there are no longer paths leading to this body part on the “map” of the brain. However, the area where these pathways used to run is not empty and is filled with other nearby pathways that use abandoned areas of the brain.

Rehabilitation specialists adhere to the “use it or lose it” rule in new protocols for treating stroke. Instead of simply teaching patients how to compensate for lost function, doctors stimulate neural pathways to the paralyzed part of the body, developing it over and over again.

The rule "use it or lose it" also works in cases where relationships between people follow a certain pattern. This can be seen in the case of long-married couples who have forgotten how to discuss issues without bickering or scathing remarks: over the course of marriage, the neural pathways for these habits have become rigid and inflexible.

The same thing happens when a woman meets exclusively with men who have an increased addiction to alcohol. In all likelihood, the psychological effect of similarity makes itself felt here (perhaps the parents of this woman sinned), but the neurological factor is also present. The neural pathway formed in this woman's brain as a child led to a model that associated important relationships with alcohol. By sticking to this pattern in adulthood, she goes on a kind of neurological rut, choosing the same preferences and behaviors over and over again, until the alternative paths are weakened by disuse.

The "use it or lose it" rule also works when someone does something that at first glance seems out of character. The calm person moves to a big city to become bolder, the selfish one goes through a hard test and develops empathy.

A change in circumstances leads to a change in neural pathways.

Rule number 2. Simultaneously excitable neurons form stable connections

Like humans, neurons become stronger when they cluster together. When neurons located next to each other fire repeatedly at the same time, they subsequently establish connections with each other and form a fragment of a neural network or neural pathway.

A neuron consists of a nucleus, axons and dendrites. Axons send and dendrites receive signals from other neurons. Axons and dendrites seem to extend their arms to each other from different neurons. (This "handshake" takes place in a space called the synapse, where neurotransmitters release chemical messengers that travel from neuron to neuron.)

In an immature nervous system, holding hands looks simple enough. You can imagine the following picture: neuron A is holding the hand of neuron B, which is holding the hand of neuron C - like in a children's game where children hold hands.

However, due to stimulation over time, neurons form more axons and dendrites, which extend their arms to many other neurons, forming complex neural networks.

The direction of neural pathways, as well as the degree of their complexity, are partly determined by the DNA of individual neurons. However, a new field of science called epigenetics suggests that DNA expression largely depends on the stimulation that neurons receive from the external environment.

But aside from DNA, your neurons and neural pathways are also shaped by external triggers.

Take as an example the path that runs from the motor cortex to the index finger of the right hand. Each of us has this path from birth. When a child learning to play the piano repeatedly stimulates this pathway, it becomes stronger and more axons and dendrites form in it - this is the "use it or lose it" rule in action.

However, all these axons and dendrites are not just hanging around. They connect and "hold hands" with other neurons; in the language of neuroscience, they recruit neurons from other neural pathways. On a brain scan of concert pianists, you can see that the neural pathways to their fingers are highly interconnected; and the axons and dendrites of the relevant neurons are so tightly intertwined that the whole hand acts as a single unit, and not like five separate fingers, a hand and a wrist.

This interconnectedness is due to repeated simultaneous stimulation of different parts of the hand. Over time, the hand's neural network connects even more neurons to this pathway. The neurons themselves also increase slightly, as they have many processes, but the growth in the density of the neural path is also due to the fact that this path finds more and more friends who join this neural network.

If such a neural pathway is used frequently enough, it will take up less physical space in the brain. The reason is not that it weakens, but that it becomes much more orderly and efficient, just as a flabby body looks leaner and fitter when it gains strength.

So, the second rule of brain change is that simultaneously firing neurons form stable connections.

Rule number 3. Repetition, repetition, dopamine

Nearly twenty years ago, I attended the first conference on the neuroscience of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). At the time, I was actively studying issues related to emotional trauma and abuse.

I was very interested to hear how many of the leading researchers in this field present their part of the neuroscience puzzle.

The results were amazing. It turned out that people suffering from PTSD have disorders of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis, an overactive amygdala, excessive norepinephrine stimulation, and insufficient production of cortisol. I'll spare you the rest of the terms; suffice it to say that the result of all these changes in brain chemistry is an irritable, painfully reactive person.

In group therapy for abused women, University of Pennsylvania clinical psychologist Edna Foa performed above average compared to other psychotherapists who practice group therapy.

The conference participants were intrigued by this success. At some point, someone mentioned that Edna was a "special woman." In all likelihood, this meant a friendly style of dealing with patients, which was markedly different from the standard impartial application of treatment protocols. However, none of those present (including me) thought then that it was the relationship with the patients, and, in turn, their relationship with each other, that was the factor that ensured the success of Edna's research and treatment.

In hindsight, in Edna's program, the relationship with the therapist and between group members was a direct cause of her success. The chemistry of a healthy relationship enhances the ability to change old patterns of behavior.

Change is one form of learning new things, and learning at the microscopic level is the creation of new neurons. We also form new synaptic connections: when we learn, axons and dendrites make connections with other neurons. As a result, the structure of the brain changes.

Such neurological changes are almost impossible when people are disconnected.

Isolation is a stressful state for your brain and body in general, especially if you feel rejected or judged. The body interprets this state as a danger and prepares you to search for the answer to the question: “How can I survive the next few hours?”

When your sympathetic nervous system kicks into high gear, adrenaline is released, which directs energy to the large muscles in your arms and legs and helps your heart and lungs get more oxygen to stimulate the fight-or-flight response. In such cases, your body is not interested or has no energy to create new synaptic connections that provide the learning process, because it is simply busy with self-preservation.

When you maintain healthy relationships with others, your physiological state is stable and your ability to learn is enhanced.

You still need a bit of "good stress" to activate your nervous system and give you a burst of energy (think of an experienced coach who puts a little bit of pressure on you so you can play at your best).

However, you won't be able to effectively form new synaptic connections if you don't feel safe.

Healthy relationships release a range of chemicals that facilitate the learning process. These include:

• serotonin, which has a calming effect on certain areas of the brain;
• norepinephrine, in small quantities creating a focusing effect.
• oxytocin - especially useful for relationship formation and learning.

In The Brain That Changes Itself, Norman Doidge discusses the theory that oxytocin promotes brain change by eliminating a number of existing neural pathways to make room. for new ones.

And this brings us back to relationships again: this process allows us to change old neural pathways in order to prepare for another life in which we will have new partner or a newborn baby.

Friendships and other warm connections contribute to the production of oxytocin, although in small quantities. If you want your brain to form a new neural pathway, you can speed up this process with oxytocin.

The neurochemical with the greatest ability to stimulate brain changes is perhaps dopamine, also produced as a result of developmental relationships. I have already talked about the dopamine reward system, which is so powerful that it creates addiction if the dopamine pathways are tied to addictions.

By ensuring that your brain releases dopamine in a healthy relationship, you form a strong connection between the activity you want to stimulate and the body's natural desires.

You are offering the brain a reward for changing itself. Neuroscientist Martha Burns recommends that teachers treat brain-generated dopamine as a "save" button, because when dopamine is linked to learning, the neural pathways responsible for learning become much stronger and more resilient.

For all of these reasons, healthy relationships with others can be your most valuable asset when trying to change.

However, without repeated stimulation of a new neural pathway, they are not always able to effectively compete with existing unwanted pathways and problem behaviors.

That is why it is necessary to adhere to the third rule of brain change, both in therapy and in the course of changes without professional support: repetition, repetition, dopamine.