By their forty-five years, Natalia and Evgeny had rich life and parental experience: Evgeny has an adult son, Natalya has three sons. “I always dreamed of a daughter,” says Natalia Volodina, “after the birth of my eldest son, every time I expected a girl, but it turned out differently, which, by the way, I don’t regret at all. I look at my growing sons and rejoice: three heroes!

Once upon a time, a girl Natalia was on vacation in a children's sanatorium. There were many peers from orphanages, and, having met them, Natalia decided: when I grow up, I will find one of them and adopt! The girl's heart broke from hearing the stories. “These children saw a lot of tragedies, but they didn’t feel sad about their families - they had nothing to remember, except for drunkenness and quarrels, but they missed their mothers very much and cried every night before going to bed,” recalls Natalia.

And now a decision has been made to gain knowledge and experience: Natalia and Evgeny went to study at the School of Foster Parents. In search of their daughter, Natalia and Evgeny decided that it could also be a child with a disability, although without external defects and serious physical limitations, and did not deny the possibility of taking a baby with HIV.

Volodin family

“Only together we will make - or not take - this step,” so I decided, says Natalia. – And I am grateful to my beloved husband for supporting me, finding time and strength and going through this important stage with me. The school of foster parents has given us a great deal and at least theoretically prepared us for future difficulties. More than once we doubted our abilities, shared our fears with each other, but every time we found support from each other, found balance and moved forward.”

The Princess and the Law of Survival

When the Volodins had permission for adoption ready, they went to get acquainted with 4-year-old Masha - it so happened that literally before that the baby was removed from the foster family, and it was important to do everything so that after returning to the child's home, she would find real parents as soon as possible . The girl quickly made contact and even seized the initiative. "Smart girl" - thought Natalia and Eugene. Soon Masha became Maria Evgenievna Volodina.

Having come to the family, Masha quickly made it clear to all the household members that her idea of ​​​​order and hierarchy does not coincide with theirs, and recognition of the authority of mother and father is not at all unconditional. Especially for someone who still had no idea who "mom" and "dad" are. It took the Volodins time to realize that raising a child with an attachment disorder is a special task.

“We were prepared for what would not be easy, but still, Masha’s behavior was quite unexpected for us. I did not immediately understand what the problem was. The relationship between me and my daughter, it seemed to me, was better, ”recalls Eugene. - Her image of the mother, as experts later explained to us, was loaded with previous experience of the foster family, from which Masha was removed. It was harder for her to accept new mom than dad. That is, I was not such a dangerous person for her. In addition, she also began to push us against each other, provoked: dad is good, mom is bad. As soon as I stood up for my wife, I became bad. The confrontation created serious tension in the family, between me and my wife and with our biological children. It was hard both physically and mentally. It took professional support from psychologists to resolve the situation.”

And although Natalia is a psychologist by her second education, theoretical knowledge alone was not enough. Now Masha, at the age of 5, seriously argues: she behaved this way because she wanted to "show what she is capable of." But, perhaps, she tested her adoptive parents for strength. But they did not give up, Natalia and Evgeny worked extremely responsibly and with involvement on the situation and succeeded greatly in a year.

Now it is already easier with Masha - the first long and difficult stage of adaptation has been passed. The girl sometimes recalls the orphanage - and in different interpretations. For example, she likes to tell that she lived in a tower, and a beautiful king came and freed her. But in fact, Masha remembers everything very well - and she has good memories of her orphanage "Sokolenok".

But in the first six months, the girl was still afraid of losing her newfound happiness and constantly asked her parents: “Won’t you give me away?”

Now she is confident in herself and in them. The question that worried Masha at the beginning is forgotten. “These are my parents, my mom and dad,” Masha proudly tells friends and strangers.

Despite the fact that the problems with the daughter's attachment to the parents decreased, new ones appeared. Now parents are struggling with speech impairment, stammering. It appeared after an incident in kindergarten: A friend's car kicked her for taking a doll without asking. For several minutes Masha lay curled up in a ball and froze: “I tried to sleep,” she explained her behavior. This is how childhood trauma manifests itself, and one of the tasks of a foster parent is to notice and help overcome it.

“Apparently, these children learn the law of survival very quickly, and those who are given intelligence by nature successfully apply it for this purpose. Mashenka tries very hard in everything. During the year, she showed success in creativity and education. Looking at her achievements, I have no doubt that she will go to school on time and will be quite successful in the learning process, ”says Natalia.

“I’m already an adult and I don’t need a family”

It has been a year since Sasha appeared in the Volodins' house, becoming the eldest daughter and sister. At the age of 16, the girl took part in an acquaintance trip organized by charitable foundation"Arithmetic of goodness" in the cities of Vladimir and Suzdal. The purpose of this know-how of the fund is to give an opportunity to get closer in informal communication to children from orphanages and potential adoptive parents.

It was there that Sasha managed to get to know and communicate with Natalia and Masha. “I’m already an adult and I don’t need a family,” Sasha assured at the first meeting. Only when she found herself in a family, having learned what kind of relationship could be between close people who care about each other, Sasha realized what kind of family one could dream of.

Model Sashina native family did not match the picture that she saw in the Volodins' house. Sasha's mother gave birth to her daughter at the age of 18 - joylessly, everyone reproached the girl for early pregnancy, "It would be better if she had an abortion." At the age of 5, Sasha was taken to Orphanage- and she remembers these events to this day. Soon she was orphaned, but until the very adolescence Sasha hoped that she would return to her relatives - after all, her grandfather was alive, who promised to pick up the girl, but this never happened.

Sasha remained a calm and gentle girl, but her heart closed.

She lost faith in the sincerity of adults and in the possibility that someone might need her and be loved by someone. Therefore, it was not easy for Sasha to believe in the sincerity of the feelings and intentions of strangers.

"Why do you need me?" the girl wondered. Another thing is to take into the family such a little princess (albeit with character) like Masha.

It was hard to admit that Sasha could be needed by such a large family, where there are so many difficult characters. But Sasha found her place in the family and firmly took it in the heart of her new parents. At first it was a guest mode. After spending the summer holidays with the Volodin family, Sasha began to think that she could stay, despite the fact that there are friends and a favorite dance group in the orphanage.

A combination of circumstances helped to make the decision on guardianship. At the end of the year, Sasha's orphanage was disbanded. Children were not told about this until the last, not caring about the condition and experiences of children who were already accustomed to injuries. Natalia and Evgeny did not let Sasha survive this shock and left Sasha with them completely, transferring them under guardianship.

“We don’t think that at the age of 18 Sasha will “fly out of the nest” - at this age, any children, and even more so children from orphanages, are not yet able to live independently, because they are not ready for this either mentally or physically. The longer Sasha lives in the family, the more questions she has, says Natalia. - Somehow, among other topics, we discussed with her the question of what qualities a person needs to be successful in life. Sasha answered that it is purposefulness, perseverance, the ability to get along with people, to understand them. When I asked which of the listed characteristics she lacked, she said that it seems to me that I do not have many of these qualities. Apparently, her lack of confidence in her own strengths causes her to feel that she will not be able to cope, that she will not be able to resist and achieve success. And success is very important for Sasha.”

Awareness of the need for a family, the importance of having someone nearby comes gradually. “The most important thing that I now have is your support, the confidence that someone cares about me, someone remembers, thinks about me, worries, this is so necessary to know,” says Sasha. Now she understands better - and why she needs Natalia and Evgeny, and why she needs them.

“Before, she had an illusion - “I myself”, “everything will be fine.” Such an understanding is formed in the orphanage in the absence of real participation and support from adults. And then the pupils come out and understand that everything is not so simple. And now she is better aware of it,” says Natalia. Even his place in his future profession - and Sasha is studying at social educator, - the girl opened in a new way.

“Sasha went to college with the idea that her task in the future was to “take children from bad families and transfer them to a good orphanage.” Now she realized that her role could be different. And I already decided that I would not stop at the end of college, that it was worth continuing to study in order to get a higher psychological education. That with the help of knowledge and special training she will be able to support poor families and young single mothers like her mother was. The expansion of the worldview, a deeper understanding of situations gradually changes Sasha's attitude towards her mother - in addition to pain and anger, compassion, pity, and understanding appear.

There is self-determination. The world for Sasha becomes more voluminous, multidimensional than it was before.

Why did they decide to take another?

Natalia and Evgeny, when deciding that Masha (and then Sasha) would come to the family, discussed the issue with their natural children. The boys agreed with the decision of their parents, but it was not easy for them to accept the appearance of strangers in the family. The eldest, Pavel, affable and good-natured, quickly became friends with the girls. The middle son Misha, while the family was having a hard time adapting Masha, was great support younger brother Gosh, often relieved the situation thanks to his sense of humor. But with the advent of Sasha, jealousy woke up in him. It was easier for him to accept a little girl and the role of her older brother than a peer. Relations between teenagers did not immediately develop.

But Gosha, who was 7 when Masha appeared in the family, lived the situation the hardest. And now, Natalia notes, in Gosha's behavior sometimes slips that spontaneous aggression and harmfulness that Masha once showed us.

Natalia, having learned from her own mother's experience how difficult it is for birth children in a foster family, considers it important to take care of them and regrets that she did not pay enough attention to preparing children for the adoption of new members into the family, relying on their consciousness.

“It is not customary for us to divide children into consanguineous and adopted, so we began to call our sons “hosts”. By the way, the adoptive child may also be the host - who has been in the family for a long time - in relation to the child who has come to the family again. I learned a few important rules, at least for our sons. It is extremely important to protect their personal territory, in no case infringe on them in these territorial rights, do not arbitrarily dispose of their property, even if they are unnecessary at first glance, this only increases jealousy. It is very important to continue to spend enough time with your blood children, to pay special attention to their feelings and experiences.

Natalia says that many adoptive parents, who are forced to throw all their physical and mental strength into the adaptation of a foster child in the family, his treatment, rehabilitation, often lose sight of the problems and needs of blood children - they find themselves in some kind of isolation and are hard pressed by the unexpected feeling of loneliness . And this is a big mistake.

“For Gosha, the situation was and remains a serious test. Until the end, he never accepted the situation and so far does not consider the girls his sisters, ”Evgeny notes. - After all, this was an invasion of his territory, a small, beloved younger son and brother. The world suddenly changed for him. Until now, we pay special attention to him, trying to get him out of anxieties and resentments. It's been almost 2 years since Masha came to the family, but the problem remains. We do not associate this manifestation with acceptance, because any replenishment in the family is accompanied by the jealousy of the elders towards the younger ones. Another thing is that it is probably easier to accept one's own flesh. The middle one also has jealous notes, but everything can be said with him, it is easier for adults to cope with their emotions.

“I have a favorite metaphor - it's a tureen. It is complete, it seems that everyone should have enough, but there is always a danger of mismeasuring and depriving someone. My task is to pour it into plates so that everyone gets it, so that it is equal and no one is offended why I have less when someone else has more. This is the task of the one with a ladle - not to forget about anyone. The same applies to attention,” says Natalia Volodina.

Natalia is already solving this problem as an expert - she conducts seminars on the topic of birth children in foster families in the Azbuka Club foster family”of the Arithmetic of Good Foundation and with fellow psychologists is developing a program to support host children.

— I would focus on teenagers. They themselves are already largely autonomous, and this exacerbates the problem. In families where blood children are younger, problems are removed due to greater attention from parents - you can often hug, caress, give warmth, attention.

Adolescents, on the other hand, interpret the situation in their own way: “Apparently, I have become bad in some way, or I am somehow defective, otherwise, why did they decide to take another?”

Or: “Yeah, they don’t have many problems, and I’m probably too good, yes, I’m a good student, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t need to pay attention to me!”.

And parents think - "Well, our children are normal, prosperous, everything is in order with them, they are smart and understanding", that is, the expectations of adults come down to the thought: "Well, he must understand!". And then the problems start.” There is an idea, firstly, to help the receiving child understand the motives of his parents, to see in their decision something other than rejection. Secondly, the meaning of actions is already important for a teenager, he needs to be given the opportunity to understand his special role in relation to foster children and to parents who have become adopted. How can they help the family in this difficult time for all its members? The answer to this question can give blood children an impetus to new achievements.

How not to go off the rails

- In the family, we not only get the flu together, but also go crazy for the company. When there are children in the family, when there are not joint children among them, when there are adopted children, the likelihood of “going crazy” increases, ”Natalia Volodina jokingly assesses the situation of the foster family.

Foster parents quite often come to emotional burnout. Natalia admits: she notices by herself that a couple of weeks of round-the-clock close contact with her family are freezing out - and an obsessive thought appears about at least a two-day rest. To prevent anger and irritation from splashing out on loved ones, it is very important to be able to switch.

And it is also very important to maintain the harmony of the parental couple, - Natalia is convinced.

“The order in our family is set by my husband and I. Perhaps it is this postulate that prevents the winds from smashing our boat, drifting along the waves of the ocean of life, into pieces.

What ways of survival did Natalia and Evgeny come up with for themselves? “The basis of the family is the parents and the relationship between them. And if raising a child is not an easy task, and especially during the period of growing up, then there are many more problems with adopted children. If these moments are missed and no agreement is reached, then there will be real problems.”

The couple came up with their own "code" - for example, the word "ice" in a flaring conflict is pronounced by one who feels: the limit has come, the debaters have stepped on a slippery slope. We must stop. And then the second one works. important rule A: There are 24 hours to discuss the situation.

But not all topics can be discussed in front of children. Yes, and the density of life events is high, and there is little time to talk at least about the most important. Where can you get this time? “If it doesn’t appear on its own, then you need to come up with something for it to exist,” Natalia shares her experience. The couple came up with "strategic sessions" and "creative trips" for themselves.

“Once again, we managed to strengthen our union with the help of a short vacation together. In this communication “without strangers” is the opportunity to be “as is”, 18+, without censorship. My husband and I agreed that I would come to Evgeny at the end of his business trip - in order to avoid feeling guilty that we were spending precious time without children. It looks like an offsite corporate business session.” For a couple of days, we turn to each other - we share our pain, complain, ask for help or support, discuss problems in relationships and relationships with children.

Someone twisted his finger at his temple, and I stopped talking to them

Is a foster mother a job or not? It is different for everyone, Natalia believes, just like the household. “For me, “mother” is a role and a state. I am a mother always and everywhere. For some business women, I saw, by the way, in the calendar a mark on some days “I work as a mother”, this is definitely not about me. I don't work as a mom. I am not a professional parent, therefore, by the way, I never pretend to be the truth, although I learned a lot from my experience as “excellent”.

For me, family, children are the most significant part of my life, perhaps its meaning. Therefore, the time spent with children, I evaluate the quality of this time, and not its duration.

The attention paid to the child, and the satisfaction of the child from communication.

“From friends, someone twisted his finger at his temple: “Why do you need this?” - and I almost stopped talking to them. And others supported, showed interest, they are curious about how it happens and are already interested in how to become foster parent. And I already know that someone in the environment also wants to try himself in this capacity. Lots of fears. That they will not cope, that the child will not be the one you dream of, they are afraid of material problems. Fears are within us, and if they are driven away, then there is nothing to worry about, the main thing is to maintain confidence in the choice made. If you go for it on impulse or under pressure, then nothing will work, ”says Evgeny.

“Once upon a time, many years ago, when my older children were small, I suddenly realized very deeply that everything that connects us is the experience of a moment of intimacy. And this moment is unique and unrepeatable, like that river that cannot be entered twice. Every year, every month, every day the child changes. Each time is a different, “new” child. And how happy I am that I have lived and am living these years, cherishing every single moment of our life with them. I am happy that I do not miss a single moment of communication with my children in my experiences. Whatever this moment is, it is unique! And with Masha and Sasha as well. They are girls - that's why we admire them. Even in those situations when the child behaves badly and it is difficult to cope with irritation, you suddenly remember that this is also a moment of our intimacy with him. You can push away and no longer restore contact, but it is better to enjoy communication, because time is so fleeting. Very soon the child will move away from you, will not support your movement towards him, because he will become an adult - all of a sudden, quite unexpectedly.

Dina..and I also want to offer you one exercise...

Bert Hellinger. Exercise-meditation "Mom".

Bert Hellinger offered this exercise to the participants of the 2nd International constellation camp in Pichl, which took place from April 7 to April 20, 2008. The translation was made from a transcript from disc 4 of the official camp DVD.
Translation from English by Andrey Stepanov with the participation of Elena Veselago, June 2008.

Why do we so often have difficulties with our mother and father?

They are too big for us. We cannot bear their greatness, and especially the greatness of our mother. And therefore, in order to cope with their greatness, we sometimes accuse them, very often - of some minor things, or want them to be different.

In a sense, when we have such desires, we wish our lives were different.

And by rejecting our parents in one way or another, we reject our life as such; we want our life to be different, to be in some way easier, and thus we are no longer in tune with the deeper forces that sustain life.

No life is easy. All living things must fight, support life; there are no easy lives; the easy life ends very soon.

Those who live an easy life or want to lead an easy life are cut off from the fundamental movement of the Spirit-Mind that manifests itself in life, both in our mother and in our father.

Well, I'll start with meditation. Good?

So close your eyes...

We look at our mother as she is.

And then we see and allow ourselves to feel what it meant to her to be our mother.

She met with our father, and both were overcome by an irresistible desire to become a man and a woman as a couple.

This longing, inasmuch as it was irresistible to them, was a divine movement.
The fact that it was irresistible indicates that there was a divine power at work behind their love and their desire to become a man and a woman and be a couple. Divine power.

And then she suddenly realized that she was pregnant; she suddenly realized that her life had changed.

Her whole life became different, got a different perspective, and of course, she immediately realized that her youth was over.

Now the real life has begun, the humble life of service to another life, our life. And she agreed with it and with all the consequences. And she accepted the price it would cost her.

And then she was intimately connected with us in her womb.

And she knew what pregnancy required of her, and especially what risks pregnancy and ending pregnancy entailed for her when the time will come our birth.
And she accepted the risk.

It was a matter of life and death - for her and for us. And everything that was connected with it was a divine movement, and she was in agreement and in harmony with this movement.

And then we were born.
Then she brought us to her breast, knowing now that she is a mother, that she is different from what she was just a moment ago;
now she is called to serve - day and night, every day she must serve us in many, many ways x.
And she has to give up a lot.

And she agreed with that, and thus with the fact that we would get the opportunity to grow.

If we imagine what this means; and those of you who are parents yourself know what it means, what it requires, what it costs in many respects, and with it what a delight it is.

And the way she is, exactly the way she is, with all her so-called "flaws", with all her so-called "difficulties", she was right for us.

We were able to grow up and were able to live our own life because it was the way it is.

And it is present in us on many levels, not only in our body; every cell in our body is still in tune with it.

And at the same time, our soul, our destiny, to a large extent, is still in tune with it.

And only as long as we are in tune with it, we remain in tune with this creative force, which is also our destiny.

And now we look at it and open wide for it our body, and our soul, and our mind.

And we tell her: “Yes. Dear mother, yes. Yes. Yes. I live because you are my mother, I am able to live my life because you are my mother; my mother is what you really are.
And I admit that I don't know you at all. I have images of you, but they don't match who you are.

I don't know your depths, I don't know your secrets, I don't know your destiny.
And I don't know the forces that operate in your family.
I'm clueless about almost everything about you.

And now I bow before you in deep bow to pay your due and accept you as my mother, just the way you are. Dear Mom".

Hello. I want to tell my problem. Nobody needs me in the family, my father constantly rots me, raises his hand, says it would be better if I were not there, threatens to kick me out and never listens to me, my opinion, my feelings. My own mother drank herself and my father married another, my stepmother hates me, always compares me with her daughter, blames me for all the problems, makes me do all the housework, humiliates me in front of everyone and does not allow a lot. I have many friends and two best friends, for them I am very friendly and good girl, but I don’t talk about my problems, I don’t have anyone to tell about it, although I have friends, I feel lonely. I don't want to go home, I don't see the point of waking up in the morning and I don't see the point of living. I want to die
Support the site:

Nastya, age: 05/14/2018

Responses:

Dear Nastya, please hold on. This will not always continue. Everything will get better with time, you will grow up and leave this house. Be patient a little dear. Try not to pay attention to their hurtful words. You are a very good girl. the future and you yourself. You will grow up and leave your father's house and be happy my dear. Please hold on, please.

Mulan, age: 05/26/2018

Nastya! Stop! You are only 14. Make up your mind to endure until you enter some kind of secondary special institution. Direct all your efforts to go into an independent life as soon as possible and build it the way you think. Under similar circumstances, I left home at the age of 16, well, it was simply unbearable. Believe me, unfavorable circumstances in youth can give an excellent incentive to make your separate, independent life good. The main thing is to have the intention to achieve it. Let this thought be the main support in your difficult everyday life today, until the moment when you can step over the threshold of the house, leaving for your happy life. Live and try to be happy!!!

evgenia, age: 42 / 05/19/2018

Nastya, dear, this period is yours life will pass. You will grow up and begin to manage your own life, decide where and with whom you live, how to live. And now you need to endure it somehow, if there are other relatives, ask to live with them. Try to spend more time outside the home, more time to study, friends. You, most importantly, do not be silent, talk about your problems, talk if you are offended, beaten. Staying silent is the worst thing you can do for yourself in this situation. Talk to an adult you trust. And most importantly, believe in your happy future. It is achievable, it will be.
Happiness to you, love and kindness!

Maria, age: 05/29/2018

Anastasia, age: 19 / 20.05.2018

Hello. Nastya, dear, it is very difficult for you now, but this is a temporary stage that is important to go through. Very soon you will finish school, you will be able to leave, enter, live in a student hostel, find a part-time job, become completely adult and independent. In the meantime, hobbies and hobbies can cheer you up, try to study, make bright plans, everything will definitely work out, dear. It only takes time.

Irina, age: 30 / 05/20/2018

Hello, Nastya! They write correctly here "it won't always be like this!" You are a very sweet girl, judging by the letter) Still so small) I want to hug you tightly! Everything will be fine! I grew up in a complete family. My father worked in the police, and my mother is a doctor. I felt the same as you. There were friends, but I didn’t see the point in telling them. Now I have my own family. The most important thing is to learn! Be smart! Everything will work out for you!

Zhanaiym, age: 05/31/2018

Hi, Nastya!
I sympathize with you and understand how hard it is for you.
You are already 14, after 3 years you can enter a university and go to another city to study, friends will appear there, and over time, a close person who will understand and appreciate you. Now you need to take advantage of what you have, and this is an opportunity to learn and develop. I understand that it is hard when there is no support, but dream about the future and start living, learning and developing for it now. Sign up for some sections, you will be less at home, if any good friends, you can visit them more often, do lessons together. But the main thing is the goal to change your life, and in your case The best way this is admission to the university, now it is quite easy, the main thing is good results in the exam.

Alexander, age: 31 / 05/20/2018

Nastya, if you do not want to talk to your friends about this issue, you can talk to someone else, there will always be sympathetic people. It happens to me very badly and I can pour out my soul to a completely stranger and I feel better. You are already 14 years old, you will soon go to study at an educational institution after school, maybe even move to another city. A little patience.

Lisa, age: 05/24/2018