Most of the children live in families. Among the many family models, a special place is occupied by families with adopted or adopted children. Families with adopted children adoptive parents may consist only of adopted children and adoptive parents, or adopted children end up in a family where there are already natural children. Therefore, the psychological problems faced by foster families largely depend on what the structure (numerical and personal composition) of such a family is.

The whole civilized world of children left without parental care arranges in families. Abandoned children stay in the so-called children's institutions for exactly as long as it takes to find them a new family. And at the same time, it is not so important whether a child is adopted or taken under guardianship - it is important that he will live at home, in a family. Children's homes are only in Russia.

At the same time, it should be noted that the problem of placing children in orphanages as such appeared in Russia only in the 20th century. Until this period, if a child became an orphan, he was, as a rule, taken in by relatives to be raised. Thus, the child continued to live in the family. The upbringing of an orphan has always been considered a charitable deed. In state institutions, children from impoverished noble families or children of the military were usually brought up. Orphanages for orphans appeared in Russia after 1917, in which children were placed who were left without adult care. Impartial statistics show that today in Russia there are about 800 thousand children left without parental care. But these are only those of them who are registered with the state, and no one, of course, can count the number of homeless children. It is believed that there are approximately 600 thousand "children of the street" in the country, but along with this other figures are also mentioned: two million and four million. This means that even according to the most conservative estimates, there are almost one and a half million abandoned children in Russia. Every year over 100 thousand children are identified in the country, due to various circumstances left without parental care.

Although the system of public maintenance and guardianship was considered for a long time quite acceptable for raising a child, experts have long noted a very important pattern: graduates of orphanages are practically unable to create full-fledged families, their children, as a rule, also end up in orphanages. Unfortunately, among the people who have broken the law, most often there are children from orphanages. Therefore, against this background, the placement of children deprived of parental care in families is especially welcome. Unfortunately, only 5% of the children left without parental support are adopted. This is due to numerous difficulties of the most varied order, inevitably arising in the way of those who expressed a desire to give the child a family, which he lost against his will. The secrecy of adoption still remains one of the serious problems. Russian adoptive parents have been afraid all their lives that their secret will be revealed, and therefore they often change their place of residence in order to maintain peace of mind and ensure the social and psychological well-being of the adopted child. However, in Lately there is a tendency to adopt children in the presence of their own in the family, so the need to keep this a secret disappears. However, this does not mean that adoptive parents will not face a number of problems in building relationships with a non-native child, as well as in establishing contacts between natural children and adoptive ones. Therefore, we will dwell on these issues in more detail.

As a rule, children who do not receive appropriate upbringing in parental family. They may suffer from malnutrition and neglect, lack medical treatment and supervision, suffer various forms physical, mental or sexual abuse. Adoptive "pets" can also be children whose parents were not involved in education due to lack of pedagogical skills or due to a long illness. Thus, the foster family becomes a kind of "first aid", the main purpose of which is to hold and protect the child in a timely manner in a crisis situation.

At first glance, it may seem that raising adopted children is no different from raising relatives. Indeed, the tasks of raising both relatives and foster children are the same, especially if the foster children are small. However, there are also special points that adoptive parents need to know and consider; they will need the ability to help adopted children enter the family. And it is very difficult to create conditions for adaptation so that children feel like full members of the new community.

The psychological problems of a family that has adopted a child can be divided into two groups. The first group of these problems is associated with the peculiarities of the experiences, behavior and expectations of adoptive parents. The second concerns the difficulties of entering a new family and adapting an adopted child in it. These problems are closely related to each other, however, their content has its own specific features that should be taken into account both by adoptive parents and representatives of special guardianship and guardianship services who deal with adoption issues.

Psychological problems of foster parents

Adoption has been an important social institution since Roman times. However, the attitude towards it is still ambiguous: some believe that it is better for a child to live in a family, while others, on the contrary, talk about the advantages of public education in special institutions. This should not be surprising, because a strange child in a family is always something unusual. This is all the more unusual for people who decide to take on the upbringing of a child about whom they know practically nothing. It is not easy for foster parents to get rid of some uncertainty and a certain tension when, after a long hesitation, they finally make such a responsible decision and realize that now they have actually become educators, and now another human destiny depends only on them. Many are still accompanied by “educational tremors” for a long time: will they be able to cope with their obligations and safely guide the child through the reefs of life, to fully satisfy his spiritual needs, helping him become an independent and unique person.

A child who has lost his own parents needs a family environment filled with love, mutual trust and respect for full development. For spouses who cannot have children of their own, there are many parental needs that go unmet and many parental feelings that go unexpressed. Therefore, during adoption, the unmet needs of one and the other side meet, which allows them to quickly reach mutual understanding. However, everything in life does not always go as smoothly as dreamed: the newly created parent-child union, although noble, is very fragile, so it needs attention, help and psychological support so much. It contains certain dangers that foster parents should be aware of in order to warn them in a timely manner.

There is an opinion that the greatest danger to the family community is the disclosure of the secret of adoption. And adoptive parents, succumbing to such a delusion, take various precautions: they stop meeting with acquaintances, move to another district or even a city in order to protect the child from possible emotional shock associated with the disclosure of this family secret. But experience shows that all these precautions are not effective enough, and the firmest guarantee is the truth, which the child must learn from his adoptive parents. It is the truth that is the most important condition for a good educational atmosphere. And if a child from the first days of stay in foster family grows up with the consciousness that he is “non-native”, but he is loved just like other children, then there is no serious danger to the family union.

The second danger of adoptive parents is related to the hereditary qualities of the child. Many of them are afraid of "bad heredity" and all their lives they closely monitor the behavior of an adopted child, looking for a manifestation of those "vices" that their biological parents awarded them. Of course, it is impossible to change the natural type of the nervous system and turn the weak abilities of the child into talent, even with the most heroic efforts and the tireless educational zeal of adoptive parents. But that's pretty much all that parenting can't. Everything else related to the personality of the child, it can successfully influence. Many of the bad habits that the child acquired in the old environment, the special manner of behavior with which he tried to balance the emotional limitations of his life, the lack of practical knowledge and skills of benevolent interaction with other people - a purposeful, consistent and loving upbringing can perfectly cope with all this. The most important thing that is required from foster parents is patience and readiness to provide the necessary assistance in a timely manner to a new family member in his entry into the life to which he is not accustomed.

You can often come across the opinion that the most difficult problems in the situation of the formation of a new family union are associated with the behavior of children. However, practice shows that the weakest link in such an alliance is the parents themselves. Sometimes they are overexcited from a long wait for their predictions, which for some reason are in no hurry to come true, so they try to rush and "spur" the child. Often, having taken responsibility for another person, they are full of uncertainty and have no idea what joys and worries a "stranger's" child will bring them. Often they bring down their unrealized parental feelings on the child, forgetting that he may not be prepared for them and therefore is forced to defend himself from the emotional flow that has washed over him. People who have just become parents have a tendency to make increased demands on their child, with which it is simply not yet able to cope. And although they say out loud that they will be quite happy if their son (or daughter) studies mediocrely, deep down they set higher goals for the child, which, in their opinion, he must achieve. Others, on the contrary, believe only in heredity and fearfully expect what the child has adopted from his biological parents: deviations in behavior, illnesses, and many other things that are unattractive and undesirable for the family and the full development of the child himself. For this reason, they often secretly observe the behavior of the child, taking a wait-and-see attitude. Manifested in the behavior of the child, unacceptable, in the opinion of adoptive parents, manners and hobbies, they tend to attribute to bad heredity, without thinking that this may be nothing more than a reaction to unusual living conditions for him in a new family. In addition, the child may be constantly haunted by thoughts and memories of his biological parents, whom he continues to love in his soul, despite the fact that life with them was not as prosperous as it is now. He is in confusion and does not know how to behave: on the one hand, he still continues to love his natural parents, and on the other hand, he has not yet had time to love his adoptive parents. For this reason, his behavior may be inconsistent and inconsistent; he is afraid of “offending” his former parents with his attachment to his adoptive parents. Sometimes aggressive behavioral reactions in relationships with foster parents are nothing more than psychological defense against those internal contradictions that they experience, loving both stepparents and natural parents. Of course, such a child's behavior is very painfully perceived by his new parents, who do not know how to behave in such a situation, whether it is worth punishing him for certain misconduct.

Sometimes adoptive parents are afraid to punish the child because of the fear that he might perceive them as strangers to himself. Sometimes, on the contrary, they fall into despair because they do not know how else to punish him, because all punishments are useless - nothing affects him. If we clearly understand that the educational impact of punishment is based on a temporary break in the emotional connection between a child and an adult, then it is easier to understand that there is no need to be afraid of this. It is important that punishment be followed by forgiveness, reconciliation, return past relationship, and then, instead of alienation, the emotional connection only deepens. But if the emotional relationship in the foster family is not yet set up, then no amount of punishment will have the desired impact. Many children who end up in foster families have simply not yet learned (have not gotten used to) someone to love, to be emotionally attached to someone, to feel good in a family environment. And what is usually considered a punishment, they perceive quite indifferently, just like natural phenomena - snow, thunderstorms, heat, etc. Therefore, first of all, it is necessary to build an emotional connection in the family, and this requires time, patience and indulgence on the part of the adoptive parents.

Adoption should not be viewed as a sacrifice made to the child by the new parents. On the contrary, the child himself gives a lot to his adoptive parents.

Worst of all, if adults, by adopting a baby, thereby try to solve some of their problems. For example, they suggest preserving a disintegrating marital union or see in a child a kind of "insurance" for old age. It also happens that, having an only child, the spouses try to find a peer or companion for him, that is, when adopted child serves as a means for solving some personal or intra-family problems of adults, and is not a goal focused on himself and achieved for his own sake. Perhaps the most acceptable situation is when a child is taken into a foster family in order to make her life more fulfilling, if the adoptive parents see him as their continuation in the future and believe that their union is equally useful to both parties.

Psychological difficulties of adaptation of foster children in the family

Children end up in someone else's family for various reasons. They may have different life experiences, in addition, each of them has their own individual needs. However, each of them is experiencing psychological trauma caused by parting with his family. When children are placed in foster care, they are separated from people they know and trust and placed in a completely different environment. Getting used to a new environment and new living conditions is associated with a number of difficulties, which a child cannot cope with without the help of adults.

How a child copes with separation is influenced by the emotional bonds that develop in early childhood. Between the ages of six months and two years, a child develops an attachment to the person who encourages him as much as possible and most sensitively responds to all needs. Usually this person is the mother, since it is she who most often feeds, clothes and cares for the child. However, not only the satisfaction of the physical needs of the child contributes to the formation of certain attachments in him. An emotional attitude towards him is very important, which is expressed through a smile, bodily and visual contact, conversations, i.e. complete communication with him. If attachments are not formed in a child by the age of two, the likelihood of their successful formation at an older age decreases (a vivid example of this are children who have been in special institutions since birth, where there is no constant individual contact with an adult caring for them).

If a child has never experienced any attachment, he, as a rule, does not react in any way to parting with his birth parents. Conversely, if he has developed a natural attachment to his family members or people who replace them, he is likely to react violently to being taken away from his family. A child can experience real grief for a while, and everyone experiences it in their own way. It is very important that adoptive parents can anticipate the child's reaction to separation from relatives and show sensitivity.

Foster parents can help children deal with their bitter feelings by accepting them for who they are and helping them put their feelings into words. Often this may be due to an ambivalent attitude towards their parents. On the one hand, they continue to love them, and on the other hand, they feel disappointed and offended by them, because it is their fault that they have to live in a strange family. The feeling of confusion that children experience because of feelings of love and longing for their family and hatred of parents for their imaginary or real actions is very painful. Being in a state of prolonged emotional stress, they may aggressively perceive the attempts of adoptive parents to get closer to them. Therefore, adoptive parents need to foresee the appearance of such reactions on the part of adopted children and try to help them get rid of their negative experiences as soon as possible and adapt in a new family.

It is very important for foster parents to understand that children experience no less difficulties than adults when they get into new living conditions. At the same time, due to age-related characteristics, they quickly adapt to changed circumstances and often either do not realize or simply do not think about the complexities of a new life.

The process of adaptation of a child in a foster family goes through a number of periods, each of which has social, psychological, emotional and pedagogical barriers.

The first period of adaptation introductory. Its duration is short, about two weeks. Social and emotional barriers are most clearly manifested during this period. Particular attention should be paid to the first meeting of potential parents with the child. Preliminary preparation for the meeting of both sides is important here. Even small children are worried about this event. On the eve they are excited, cannot fall asleep for a long time, become fussy, restless. Older children experience fear of meeting their intended adoptive parents and may turn to adults around them (caregivers, medical workers) with a request not to send them anywhere, to leave them in an orphanage (hospital), although the day before they expressed their readiness to live in a family, to leave with new parents in any country. Older preschoolers and schoolchildren have a fear of unfamiliar speech and learning a new language.

At the time of the meeting, emotionally responsive children willingly go towards their future parents, some rush to them with a cry of “Mom!”, hug, kiss. Others, on the contrary, become overly constrained, cling to the adult accompanying them, do not let go of his hand, and the adult in this situation has to tell them how to approach and what to say to future parents. Such children with great difficulty part with their familiar environment, cry, refuse to get acquainted. Such behavior often confuses foster parents: it seems to them that the child did not like them, they begin to worry that he will not love them.

It is easiest to establish contact with such a child through unusual toys, objects, gifts, but at the same time, adoptive parents need to take into account the age, gender, interests, and level of development of the child. Often, in order to establish contact with a child, adults have to “give up principles”, as if following the child’s lead, indulging his desires, since it is difficult to win the favor of a small person with prohibitions and restrictions during this period. For example, many children from the orphanage are afraid to sleep alone, to stay in a room without adults. Therefore, at first, you have to either take the child to your bedroom, or stay with him until he falls asleep. Disciplining educational restrictions, punishments will have to be applied later, when such a child gets used to new conditions, accepts adults as his own. It is necessary to accustom the child to the regime, the new order in these conditions tactfully, but persistently, constantly reminding him of what he forgot. This is natural for any person, even an adult who finds himself in new conditions. Therefore, at first, the child should not be overloaded with various rules and instructions, but one should not deviate from one's requirements either.

In the environment of the child there are many new people whom he is not able to remember. He sometimes forgets where dad and mom are, does not immediately say what their names are, confuses names, family relationships, asks again: “What is your name?”, “Who is it?” This is not evidence of a bad memory, but is due to the abundance of impressions that the child is not able to assimilate for a short time stay in a new environment. And at the same time, quite often, sometimes quite unexpectedly and, it would seem, at the most inopportune time, children remember their former parents, episodes and facts from their former lives. They begin to share impressions spontaneously, but if specifically asked about their former life, they are reluctant to answer or speak. Therefore, one should not focus on this and allow the child to splash out his feelings and experiences related to his former life. The conflict that the child experiences, not knowing with whom he should identify himself, can be so strong that he is unable to identify himself with either the former family or the current one. In this regard, it will be very useful for the child to be helped in the analysis of his own feelings underlying such a conflict.

The emotional difficulties of the child are that finding a family is accompanied by an experience of joy and anxiety at the same time. This brings many children into a feverishly excited state. They become fussy, restless, grab onto a lot and cannot concentrate on one thing for a long time. During this period, curiosity and cognitive interests awakened in the child by circumstances become a gratifying phenomenon. Literally, questions about everything that surrounds him spill out of him like a fountain. The task of an adult is not to dismiss these questions and patiently explain everything that interests and worries him at an accessible level. Gradually, as the cognitive need associated with the new environment is satisfied, these questions will dry up, as much will become clear to the child and he will be able to figure out something on his own.

There are children who in the first week withdraw into themselves, feel fear, become sullen, have difficulty making contact, hardly talk to anyone, do not part with old things and toys, are afraid to lose them, often cry, become apathetic, depressive, or adults' attempts to establish interaction are met with aggression. In international adoption at this stage, a language barrier arises, which greatly complicates contacts between the child and adults. The first delights from new things, toys are replaced by misunderstanding, and, being alone, children and parents begin to be weary of the impossibility of communication, resort to gestures, expressive movements. Meeting with people who speak their native language, children move away from their parents, asking not to leave them or take them to themselves. Therefore, foster parents should take into account the possibility of such difficulties in mutual adaptation and prepare in advance to find the necessary means to eliminate them as soon as possible.

The second period of adaptation adaptive. It lasts from two to four months. Having mastered the new conditions, the child begins to look for a line of behavior that would satisfy the adoptive parents. At first, he almost unquestioningly obeys the rules, but, gradually getting used to it, he tries to behave as before, looking closely at what others like and dislike. There is a very painful breaking of the existing stereotype of behavior. Therefore, adults should not be surprised by the fact that a previously cheerful and active child suddenly becomes capricious, often cries for a long time, begins to fight with parents or with an acquired brother and sister, and a gloomy and withdrawn child begins to show interest in the environment, especially when no one is behind him. observes, acts on the sly. Some children experience a regression in behavior, the loss of positive skills they had: they cease to follow the rules of hygiene, stop talking or begin to stutter, they may resume their previous health problems. This is an objective indicator of the significance for the child of previous relationships that make themselves felt at the level of psychosomatics.

Foster parents should keep in mind that the child may clearly show a lack of skills and habits necessary for life in the family. Children stop liking brushing their teeth, making their bed, putting things in order if they have not been accustomed to this before, as the novelty of impressions has disappeared. An important role in this period begins to play the personality of the parents, their ability to contact, the ability to establish a trusting relationship with the child. If adults have managed to win over the child, then he refuses that he does not receive their support. If the wrong educational tactics were chosen by adults, the child slowly begins to do everything to spite them. Sometimes he looks for an opportunity to return to his former way of life: he begins to ask for the guys, remembers the educators. Older children sometimes run away from new family.

In the second period of adaptation in the foster family, psychological barriers are very clearly revealed: incompatibility of temperaments, character traits, habits, memory problems, underdevelopment of imagination, narrowness of outlook and knowledge about the environment, lag in the intellectual sphere.

Children brought up in orphanages form their own ideal family, everyone lives in the expectation of mom and dad. The feeling of a holiday, walks, joint games is associated with this ideal. Adults, busy with everyday problems, sometimes do not find time for the child, leave him alone with himself, considering him large and completely independent, able to find something to his liking. Sometimes, on the contrary, they overprotect the child, controlling his every step. All this complicates the process of a child entering a new social environment for him and the emergence of emotional attachment to foster parents.

Pedagogical barriers become essential during this period:

• parents' lack of knowledge about the characteristics of age;
• inability to establish contact, trusting relationship with the child;
• an attempt to rely on one's own life experience, on the fact that “we were brought up that way”;
• there is a difference in views on education, the influence of authoritarian pedagogy;
• striving for an abstract ideal;
• overestimated or, conversely, underestimated requirements for the child.

The successful overcoming of the difficulties of this period is evidenced by a change not only in the behavior, but in the appearance of the child: the expression of his face changes, it becomes more meaningful, lively, “blooms”. In international adoptions, it has been repeatedly noted that the child's hair begins to grow, all allergic phenomena disappear, and the symptoms of previous diseases disappear. He begins to perceive his foster family as his own, tries to "fit" into the rules that existed in it even before his appearance.

Third stage - addictive. Children are less and less likely to remember the past. The child is well in the family, he almost does not remember his former life, having appreciated the advantages of staying in the family, attachment to his parents appears, reciprocal feelings arise.

If the parents could not find an approach to the child, all the previous personality flaws (aggressiveness, isolation, disinhibition) or unhealthy habits (theft, smoking, striving for vagrancy) begin to clearly manifest in him. each child seeks his own way of psychological protection from everything that does not suit him in the foster family.

Difficulties in adapting to foster parents can make themselves felt in adolescence, when the child awakens interest in his "I", the history of his appearance. Adopted children want to know who their real parents are, where they are, and there is a desire to look at them. This creates emotional barriers in parent-child relationships. They arise even when the relationship between the child and the adoptive parents is excellent. Children's behavior changes: they withdraw into themselves, hide, begin to write letters, go in search, ask everyone who is somehow related to their adoption. Alienation may occur between adults and children, sincerity and trust in relationships may disappear for a while.

Experts say that what older age child, the more dangerous it is for him mental development adoption. It is assumed that the child's desire to find his true (biological) parents plays a big role in this. Approximately 45% of adopted children have mental disorders, according to a number of authors, associated with the child's constant thoughts about his real parents. Therefore, families adopting children should be aware of the specific skills that they have to learn in the first place. Adoptive parents need the skills to establish and maintain links with adoption agencies. In addition, they must be able to interact with legal authorities in the course of adopting a child.

What determines the duration of the adaptation period? Are the barriers that always arise in its process so complex and are their occurrence necessary? It is quite natural that these questions cannot but excite adoptive parents. Therefore, they should learn a few immutable truths that will help them cope with the difficulties of the adaptation period in the family.

Firstly, it all depends on the individual characteristics of the child and on the individual characteristics of the parents. Secondly, much is determined by the quality of the selection of candidates for adoptive parents for a particular child. Thirdly, the preparedness of both the child himself for changes in life, and parents for the characteristics of children is of great importance. Fourthly, the degree of psychological and pedagogical education of adults about relationships with children, their ability to competently use this knowledge in their educational practice is important.

Features of education in a foster family

When adopting a child, adoptive parents will need the ability to create a favorable family environment for him. This means that they should not only help the child adapt to new conditions for him and feel like a full member of the family that adopted him. At the same time, new parents should help ensure that the child can understand his family of origin and not cut off contact with it, since quite often it is very important for children to know that they still have natural parents who are, as it were, integral part their ideas about themselves.

Adoptive parents may also need skills to interact with older children if, prior to adoption, they lived in one or another children's institution that replaced their family. Therefore, they could have individual emotional problems, which adoptive parents will be able to cope with only if they have special knowledge and upbringing skills. The adoptive parents and the adopted child may belong to different racial and ethnic groups. Appropriate parenting skills will help adopted or adopted children cope with feelings of separation and isolation from their former world.

Sometimes adopted children may not know how to communicate with foster parents due to poor relationships in the family of origin. They expect to be severely punished for minor infractions or that adults will not care what they do as long as they are not interfered with. Some children may be hostile towards foster parents because either they feel like everyone is conspiring to take them away from native family or because they can't handle the anger, fear, and hurtful feelings they have for their own parents. Or children may be hostile to themselves and do things that harm themselves in the first place. They may try to hide or deny these feelings by withdrawing from their adoptive parents or showing complete indifference to them.

The feeling of confusion that children experience, on the one hand, because of the feeling of love and longing for their family and, on the other hand, hatred of their parents and themselves for imaginary and real actions, is very painful. Being in a state of emotional stress, these children may commit aggressive actions against adoptive parents. All this should be known to those who have decided to take a serious step in adopting a child who has parted with his own family.

In addition, the child may have mental, mental and emotional abnormalities, which will also require specific knowledge and skills from the adoptive parents.

Very often, children, especially those under the age of ten, absolutely do not understand why they are taken from their own family and placed in a foreign one for upbringing. Therefore, later they begin to fantasize or come up with various reasons, which in itself is destructive. Often the emotional state of children is characterized by a whole range of negative experiences: love for parents is mixed with a feeling of disappointment, because it was their antisocial lifestyle that led to separation; feeling of guilt for what is happening; low self-esteem; expectation of punishment or indifference on the part of foster parents, aggression, etc. This “trail” of negative experiences follows the child to the foster family, even if the child has been in the center for a long time and has completed a course of rehabilitation and preparation for life in a new environment. It is also obvious that the influence of these experiences on the atmosphere of the foster family is inevitable, requiring a review of the existing relations between its members, mutual concessions, specific knowledge and skills. With a high degree of probability, we can conclude that parents who are able to realize the essence of the new relationships they enter into, who take the initiative in this process, will be able to better predict and analyze the process of education, which will ultimately lead to a creative and successful family life.

Most of the responsibility for the process of social formation of the child, as well as his personal and psychological development lies with the adoptive parents.

Both foster children and foster parents, as well as their own children, also need time to adapt to the habits and characteristics of the child taken into care. At the same time, native children, no less than adopted ones, need to protect their interests and rights. In the development of relations between an adopted child and natural children, it is very important that the latter have a say in the decision to adopt another child into the family. Native children can provide invaluable assistance in caring for him if, firstly, they realize the importance of the task they perform and, secondly, they are sure that they have a strong position in the family. Very often, native children are much better than parents can help a newcomer get used to the family daily routine, express their feelings, get to know neighbors, etc. Native children can serve as an example of interaction with parents for a foster child, especially the former family left much to be desired.

A difficult situation develops in a foster family, in which parents constantly compare their children with foster families. At the moment of comparison, the "bad" child is forced to be bad and unconsciously acts badly. Parents are wary, they begin to educate, forbid, threaten - hence again a bad deed because of the fear that they will refuse it.

Therefore, it is necessary to dwell separately on the nature of parent-child relations precisely in those families that, for various reasons, after a certain time, abandon the adopted child and return him to the orphanage. The features characteristic of this group of families are manifested primarily in the study of the motives of family upbringing and parental positions.

Two large groups of motives for education can be distinguished. Motives, the emergence of which is more connected with the life experience of parents, with memories of their own childhood experience, with their personal characteristics. And the motives of education, which arise to a greater extent as a result of marital relations.

• education as a realization of the need for achievement;
• upbringing as the realization of overvalued ideals or certain qualities;
• education as the realization of a need in the meaning of life.

• education as a realization of the need for emotional contact;
• education as the implementation of a certain system.

This division of the motives of upbringing in a foster family, of course, is conditional. In the real life of the family, all these motivational tendencies, emanating from one or both parents and from their marital relations, are intertwined in daily interaction with the child, in the life of each family. However, the above distinction is useful, since it allows, when constructing the correction of motivational structures, to make the personality of the parents the center of psychological influence in one family, and in another to direct the influence to a greater extent on marital relations.

Consider the situation of parents of adopted children, for whom upbringing has become the main activity, the motive of which is to realize the need for the meaning of life. As you know, the satisfaction of this need is connected with the substantiation for oneself of the meaning of one's being, with a clear, practically acceptable and worthy of the approval of the person himself, the direction of his actions. For parents who have adopted children for upbringing, the meaning of life is filled with caring for the child. Parents do not always realize this, believing that the purpose of their life is completely different. They feel happy and joyful only in direct communication with the child and in matters related to caring for him. Such parents are characterized by an attempt to create and maintain an excessively close personal distance with the adopted child. Growing up and the age-related and natural separation of the child from foster parents, the increase in the subjective significance of other people for him, is perceived unconsciously as a threat to his own needs. For such parents, the position “to live instead of a child” is typical, so they strive to merge their lives with the lives of their children.

Another, but no less disturbing, picture is observed in the parents of adopted children, whose main motive for raising them arose to a greater extent as a result of marital relations. Usually, even before marriage, women and men had certain, fairly pronounced emotional expectations (settings). So, women, due to their personal characteristics, felt the need to love and patronize a man. Men, by virtue of the same features, experienced mainly the need for care and love for themselves on the part of a woman. It may seem that such compatible expectations will lead to a happy, mutually satisfying marriage. In any case, at the beginning of their life together, acceptably warm and friendly relations. But the one-sidedness of the expectations of the husband and wife in relation to each other became more and more obvious and gradually led to an aggravation of emotional relations in the family.

An attempt by one of the spouses to change the nature of their expectations in relation to the other, for example, to make them reverse or mutual (harmonious), met with opposition. The family begins to "fever". Consent is violated, mutual accusations, reproaches, suspicions, conflict situations arise. More and more clearly, problems in intimate relationships between spouses begin to worsen. A “struggle for power” takes place, ending with the refusal of one of the spouses from claims to dominance and the victory of the other, who establishes a rigid type of his influence. The structure of relations in the family becomes fixed, rigid and formalized, or there is a redistribution of family roles. In some cases, there may be a real threat of family breakup.

In such a situation, the problems and difficulties that arise in the upbringing of adopted children are in the main social areas the same as those that arise in the upbringing of native children. Some people who want to raise a child judge him by his external data, without taking into account his previous experiences. Adopted children taken from dysfunctional families are usually weak, suffering from malnutrition, uncleanliness of their parents, chronic rhinitis, etc. They have not childishly serious eyes, they are tested, closed. Among them there are apathetic, dumb children, some of them, on the contrary, are very restless, importunately imposing contact with adults. However, in a family, sooner or later, these features of neglected children disappear, children change so much that it is difficult to recognize them.

It is clear that we are not talking about beautiful new clothes, which are usually prepared in sufficient quantities for the meeting of the child. It is about its general appearance, about its relation to environment. A child after a few months of living in a good new family looks like a confident, healthy, cheerful and joyful person.

Some doctors and psychologists are of the opinion that it is better not to tell new parents a lot about the fate and blood parents of the child, so as not to frighten them and force them to live in anxiety, in anticipation of some undesirable manifestations in the child. Some adoptive parents themselves refuse to receive information about the child, assuming that without it they will become more attached to him. However, based on practical experience, it can be argued that it is better for adoptive parents to learn all the basic information about the child.

First of all, it is necessary to learn about the possibilities and prospects of the child, about his skills, needs and difficulties in education. This information should not disturb new parents and cause them anxiety. On the contrary, these data should give them confidence that nothing will surprise them, and they will not learn something that parents usually know about their own child. Awareness of parents should contribute to the rapid choice of their correct position in relation to the child, the selection of the correct method of education, which will help them form a real, optimistic view of the child and the process of his upbringing.

So, the adopted child came to a new family. This significant and joyful event is at the same time a serious test. If there are other children in the family, then parents usually do not expect complications, they are calm, as they rely on their existing upbringing experience. However, they can also be unpleasantly surprised and disoriented by such, for example, the fact that the child does not have hygiene skills or he falls asleep badly, wakes up the whole family at night, that is, requires great patience, attention and care from parents. At this first critical moment, some parents, unfortunately, react inadequately, comparing adopted children with relatives not in favor of the adopted ones. To sigh and say such things in front of children is very dangerous for all future life together.

If the parents do not have children, then the situation is somewhat different. Usually, foster parents who have never had their own children, before taking on a foster child, study many articles, brochures, but they look at everything only “theoretically”, with a certain concern for practice. The first adopted child poses much more tasks for parents than the first natural child, since the adopted child surprises with its habits, requirements, because it has not lived in this family since the day of its birth. Foster parents face a difficult task: to comprehend the individuality of the child. The smaller the child, the sooner he gets used to a new family. However, the attitude towards the family of the adopted child is initially wary, primarily because of his anxiety to lose the family. Such a feeling arises even in children of that age at which they cannot yet fully realize this sensation and speak about it in words.

The process of getting the adopted child into the family depends on the personality of the adopting parents, on the general family atmosphere, as well as on the child himself, primarily on his age, character and previous experience. Young children, up to about two years of age, quickly forget their former surroundings. TO little child in adults, a warm relationship develops faster.

Children from two to five years old remember more, something remains in their memory for life. The child relatively quickly forgets the environment of the orphanage, social rehabilitation center (orphanage). If he became attached to some teacher there, then he can remember her for a long time. Gradually, the new teacher, that is, his mother, in her daily contact with the child becomes the closest person for him. A child's memories of his family depend on the age when he was taken from that family.

In most cases, children retain bad memories of their parents who left them, so at first in the family that accepted them, they are distrustful of adults. Some children take a defensive position, some show a tendency to deception, to a rude form of behavior, that is, to what they saw around them in their own family. However, there are children who, with sadness and tears, remember their parents, even those who abandoned them, most often their mother. For adoptive parents, this condition causes anxiety: will this child get used to them?

Such fears are unfounded. If a child in his memoirs shows a positive attitude towards his own mother, then it will be absolutely wrong to correct his views or statements in connection with this displeasure. On the contrary, one should be glad that the child's feelings have not become dull, because his mother at least partially satisfied his basic physical and psychological needs.

You can ignore the child's memories of his family. To his possible questions, it is better, without remembering his own mother, to say that he now has new mom who will always take care of him. This explanation, and most importantly a friendly, affectionate approach, can calm the child. After a while, his memories will fade, and he will become warmly attached to his new family.

Children over the age of five remember a lot from their past. Schoolchildren have a particularly rich social experience, as they had their own teachers and classmates. If from the day of his birth the child was under the care of certain children's institutions, then the foster family for him is at least the fifth life situation. This, of course, disrupted the formation of his personality. If a child lived in his family until the age of five, then the situations he experienced left a certain mark, which must be taken into account when eliminating various unwanted habits and skills from him. From the very beginning, it is necessary to approach the upbringing of such children with great tolerance, consistency, constancy in relationships, and understanding. In no case should you resort to cruelty. It is impossible to squeeze such a child into the framework of his ideas, to insist on demands that exceed his capabilities.

School performance usually improves after moving into a family, as children want to please their parents. One can observe in adopted children who like to live in a new family the ability to suppress their memories of their own family, of the orphanage. They don't like to talk about the past.

Foster parents usually face the question: to tell or not to tell the child about his origin. This does not apply to those children who came to the family at an age when they remember all the people who surrounded them in early childhood. With a very young child, adoptive parents are often tempted to keep silent about his past. The views of specialists and the experience of adoptive parents clearly show that it is not necessary to conceal from the child.

Awareness and understanding of an informed child can subsequently protect him from any tactless remark or hint from others, save his confidence in his family.

It is also necessary to answer openly and truthfully to children who want to know about the place of their birth. baby can long time not to return to this topic, and then suddenly he has a desire to find out details about his past. This is not a symptom of a weakening relationship with foster parents. Still less does such curiosity act as a desire to return to one's original family. This is nothing but the child's natural desire to link together all the facts known to him, to realize the continuity of his formation as a person.

The manifestation of the emerging social consciousness quite naturally appears, as a rule, after eleven years. When adults talk to a child about his past, in no case should you speak dismissively about his former family. The child may feel insulted. However, he must clearly know why he could not remain among his former environment, that his upbringing by another family was his salvation. A school-age child is able to understand his life situation. If the child does not comprehend it, you can get into a difficult situation. This is especially true of pedagogically ignorant parents. The child may chaotically, with discontent, react to manifestations of pity for him, tenderness and can hardly endure the demands of adoptive parents. Perhaps even, due to the demands placed on him, common to a normal family, he may yearn for his past, regardless of the suffering experienced. In that family, he was free from duties, not responsible for his actions.

In a conversation with a child about his past, it is necessary to show art: to tell him the whole truth and not offend him, to help him understand everything and correctly comprehend. The child must internally agree with reality, only then he will not return to this. It is advisable to start creating his “traditions” with the arrival of the child in the foster family, which will help strengthen his attachment to the new family (for example, an album with photographs). The creation of family traditions is facilitated by the celebration of the child's birthday, since earlier he hardly knew about such joyful experiences.

In this regard, it is necessary to pay attention to mutual appeals. In most cases, children call their adoptive parents the same as their birth parents: mom, dad, or as is customary in the family. Little children are taught to convert. They repeat it after older children, feeling an inner need for it. Older children who have already addressed their natural parents in this way do not need to be forced, they will gradually do it themselves over time. In rare cases, the child refers to the adoptive mother and father as "aunt" and "uncle". This is possible, for example, in children about ten years old who loved and remember their birth parents well. It is quite clear that the stepmother, no matter how well she treats the children, they will not be able to call mother for a long time.

If there are small children in the family that wishes to adopt a foster child, then they must be prepared even before the arrival of the adopted son or daughter. Without preparation, young children can be very jealous of a new family member. Much depends on the mother, on her ability to calm the children. If native children have already reached adolescence, then they should be informed about the desire of parents to take on the upbringing of another child.

They usually look forward to the arrival of a new family member. It is completely inappropriate in the presence of your children to talk about the shortcomings of an adopted son or daughter, appreciating his imperfections with a sigh.

In relationships with adopted children, the same problems can arise as in relationships with relatives of children of a particular age. The development of some children is relatively calm, while others are so rapid that difficulties and problems constantly arise. After overcoming the difficulties of mutual adaptation, children taken for upbringing, as a rule, have a joyful period of rapid development and the formation of emotional ties. It is advisable for a child under the age of three to be raised by his mother, because after all the experiences he needs to calm down and get along with his family. It is possible that his stay in the nursery will impede or disrupt the important process of forming the relationship between mother and child. When the child fully adapts to the family, he can attend kindergarten. For many educators, this period causes another critical moment: the child comes into contact with the children's team. For non-kindergarten children, this critical moment occurs at the start of school, when the child is impacted by the wider social environment. In the interests of children, parents need to work closely with kindergarten teachers and teachers. It is advisable to acquaint them with the fate and previous development of the adopted child, ask them to pay a little more attention to him, adhering to an individual approach. If a child is observed by a psychologist, then teachers, first of all, class teacher, it is necessary to report this, because the psychologist will also need information from the teacher. In cooperation with the school doctor, they will take care of the further development of the child.

V preschool age children usually have fewer major problems. Sometimes, due to a lag in the development of speech, children are faced with children's team with language difficulties, as they cannot understand each other. This should be taken into account and corrected if possible.

Before entering school, children undergo a medical examination. If the doctor and psychologist who are watching the child, after the examination, advise to send him to school only after a year, then, of course, this advice should not be resisted. It must be borne in mind that admission to school is sometimes delayed for various reasons, and among native children who have had incomparably Better conditions for development. Such a decision will help equalize the lag in the general development of the child, create conditions for the formation of self-confidence. The child will then be better, without stress to learn school material. The possibility of a complete correction of pronunciation and diction in a child before entering school should not be underestimated. Foster parents need to visit a speech therapist with their child before school.

Some children, before entering school, show very definite signs in the state of health and development, which indicate the need for their education in a special school. However, sometimes they are tried first to be taught in a regular school and only then transferred to a special school. When a child taken into a family has a similar situation, some parents, warned of this possibility even before the child was handed over to them, fall into a panic of disappointment. It `s naturally. All parents want their child to achieve as much as possible. However, what is more and what is better?

When a child is overloaded in a regular school without taking into account his physical and mental capabilities, then, despite all efforts, he will have poor academic performance, he will be forced to stay in the second year, and therefore he will not experience the joy of learning, since he It formed a negative attitude towards school and education in general. In a special school, the same child, perhaps without much effort, will become a good student, stand out in manual labor, v exercise Or show off your artistic skills. The inclusion in the labor process of a student who has graduated from a completely special school is much easier than that of a student who left school in the 6th-7th grade of a regular school.

After enrolling a child in a school (regardless of which one), new worries arise in the family. In some families, they are more attentive to the progress of children, in others - to behavior, as some children have problems with learning, others with behavior. Achievement should be judged in terms of the child's abilities. It would be good for foster parents to talk about this with a psychologist, consult with a teacher in order to know what the child is capable of. In assessing the behavior of a foster child, one should not be too pedantic. It is known that native children from time to time present some kind of "surprises". It is important to form in a child a sense of responsibility, an honest attitude to work, to people, to educate such moral qualities as truthfulness, devotion, responsibility, which we strive to develop in children in our society.

It is necessary to set an educational goal in the form of specific tasks for the child in the everyday life of the foster family. Sometimes an angry parent, discussing some of his misconduct with a foster child, in a fit of indignation makes a big mistake: he reproaches the child, reminding him that he cannot allow himself something, since the rules in this house are not the same as they were in his house. the house that he now lives in a decent family, etc. A child may be so hardened by a parent who brings up his past that he will commit a serious offense. In any case, parents are saved by calmness and prudence, the thoughtfulness of expressed thoughts, the desire to help the child correct his mistakes.

Observing a child and stating his characteristics without taking into account the previous conditions of life, without the dynamics, quality of achievements and shortcomings in his development can lead to a serious mistake. Such a conclusion can permanently deprive the child of the opportunity to enter a new family.

The conclusion of a psychologist should help people choose for an orphaned child such an environment that would optimally help his development.

Applicants who wish to take on the upbringing of a child also undergo a psychological examination. However, many people are surprised and even consider themselves offended by the fact that they have to undergo a psychological examination. If spouses or a single person really want to have a child in their family and are reasonable people, then they easily understand the importance and necessity of a psychological examination. If applicants give up their plan to raise a child only because they do not want to undergo a psychological examination, then it is quite obvious that their need to have a child is not strong enough, and perhaps even sincere. In such a case, it would be much better if these people give up their intention.

The tasks of a psychological examination include diagnosing the motives for the decision to take a child into the family, relations between spouses, clarifying the consistency in their views, the balance of their marriage, the harmony of the family environment, etc. Clarity in such matters is an important prerequisite for the successful development of the child.

There are several stages in the formation of a foster family: the first stage is the solution of issues related directly to the forming foster family. It is important to find not ideal people, but those who treat children kindly. It is important for foster parents to realize that they have the time and emotional space for a foster child.

At the first stage of the formation of foster families, it is necessary to talk with the own children of future adoptive parents, to find out their attitude towards the appearance of new family members in the family. It is important that such problems in the family be resolved: how parents intend to leave the child while they go to work, what he will do at home alone.

It is also important to discuss issues such as alcohol consumption in the family, as this may be a factor in the failure of the most important family functions of adoptive parents. Foster parents must learn or be able to recognize the problems of the child and find ways to solve these problems (you need to understand what is behind the problematic behavior of the child). We must live a positive attitude towards the adopted child, cooperation with him.

The next important stage in the formation of a foster family is the stage concerning the definition (identification and understanding) of the problems of a foster child and ways to solve them. It should be taken into account that many children in a foster family come from "difficult" families and therefore carry their characteristics and their problems. Therefore, adoptive parents should tune in to the fact that they will most likely have to first solve the long-standing problems of their adopted children and only then proceed to the implementation of their educational tasks, which they have identified for themselves even before the adoption of the child. Without this, the process of establishing a favorable psychological climate in the family and trusting relationships between new parents and adopted children will not be fruitful.

Adoptive parents can be married couples with and without children (age is not limited, although it is desirable that they be able-bodied people), single-parent families, single people (women, men under 55), persons who are in an unregistered marriage. Depending on which family in its original form the adoption of the child was carried out, in addition to those discussed above, problems characteristic of these types of family organization may arise in the child-parent relationship. Therefore, adoptive parents should bear in mind that they will have to face the double burden of psychological difficulties in family relationships. In this regard, a problem arises that is relevant mainly for foster families - the problem of special education for foster parents.

In such training, two interrelated stages can be distinguished: before adoption and after they make a decision to adopt and implement this decision. Each of these stages is fundamentally different in the content of training foster parents.

Pre-adoption training for foster parents gives them time to re-evaluate the consequences of taking on the responsibility of raising other people's children. Typically, the corresponding program focuses on the interaction of foster parents and official institutions, problems caused by the child's feeling of isolation from his family and related emotional experiences, as well as communication with the child's birth parents (if possible). This training helps adoptive parents decide for themselves whether they will be able to cope with the heavy burden that they voluntarily place on themselves.

Post-adoption training for adoptive parents focuses primarily on child development, family discipline and behavior management techniques, communication skills, and deviant behavior issues. Such a different orientation of these two types of education of foster parents is explained by the fact that everyday life with a strange child leaves a big imprint on the whole family life. Foster parents need to understand the need for training well and use, first of all, the information that they can directly rely on in their daily practice. Among the issues to which particular attention should be paid are the following:

• training parents to interact with children with emotional, physical or mental disabilities;
• development by parents of skills of relationship with children experiencing difficulties in learning;
• assimilation of information and mastery of special skills on interaction with adolescents (especially those with previous convictions);
• acquiring the necessary skills to establish contact with children early age;
• mastering the experience of interaction and providing the necessary psychological support to neglected children who have experienced abuse by adults.

When organizing training for foster parents, one should keep in mind the fact that they may have a different level of education, different social and financial status. Some of them are qualified and permanently employed specialists, others have only secondary education and work that does not require high qualifications. Currently, most of the adoptive parents (at least one of them), in addition to raising other people's children, is engaged in some other type of activity. However, at the same time, they should not forget that the upbringing of children should be considered as a kind of professional activity which requires special training. Therefore, when training foster parents (as well as parents of relatives, by the way), they should be oriented to the fact that such training cannot be superficial and short-term and immediately give practical results. They will have to learn the parenting profession all their lives, because the child grows, changes, and therefore the forms of interaction with him, and the types of pedagogical influences must change. In addition, the adoptive parent, when adopting someone else's child, must understand that he will simply need to share his experience with other interested parties, including social workers. Foster parents, planning their activities in accordance with the needs of the child, should be able to work with counselors, doctors, educators and other professionals in order to learn how to solve the problems that they will encounter in raising foster children and eliminate the difficulties that naturally arise in any family.

“When a child gets into a family, it's like a wedding. From this begins not a beautiful fairy tale, but real life, ”reminds Natalya Stepina, Head of the Resource Center for Assistance to Foster Families with Special Children (CF "Here and Now").

Changing the difficult behavior of an adopted child is possible, experts are convinced. “This child does not know what to do with it, but we do. Let's just teach - both him and his parents, ”says Natalia Stepina. Psychologists and representatives of NGOs, participants of the conference "Difficult Behavior: What an Adopted Child Expects from Society, Specialists, and Parents" said what should be paid attention to and what should parents do.

What's wrong with them?

These children unable to recognize their own emotions“No one taught them to do it. As a result, any emotion overwhelms the child, and he is in a state of chaotic excitement. Where is there to plan your life if he does not understand what is happening to him! Such children can be impulsive, pugnacious, they are perceived as aggressive, although they are simply affected, explains Natalia Stepina.

They can't stand They can't bear the wait. They find it difficult to follow the rules. Therefore, they look like naughty three-year-olds, even if they are teenagers. And this discourages and demotivates adults.

This provocative children. They are not destroyers, they want to create, they just do not know how to do it. Such a child tests an adult for "lice" - he is looking for a strong adult who will give him a sense of security. “If you lisp and give in to a provocative child, it will be worse. They put on a show, beautiful tantrums,” says Natalia Stepina. - We had a case when parents even nearly divorced because of problems with their difficult adopted child. Often adults do not know how to react to such situations at all. The teachers, by the way, too. A child with an orphanage past may defiantly do bad things, say, it can be theft - as one of the ways to break the rules. “Often they do it also deliberately in front of others. This is the way to get to know about it. So that adults “jump” and peers would think that he is cool, ”explains the expert.

Children from orphanages often difficulty understanding boundaries. “Once upon a time they were not given the feeling of a “house” where they could hide. Such children do not feel their body well - they were rarely picked up. They don’t understand space well - in shelters, after all, they often just sat in their beds, Natalya Stepina notes. “They can leave the lesson because they just don’t understand why they have to sit until the end.”

Oxygen mask for parents

Experts are worried: for some reason, we have a stereotype that if the child is difficult, the adoptive parents are to blame. The family is actually stigmatized. “In fact, the psyche of adoptive parents is often so exhausted during the adaptation period of the family that the family is in danger of collapse. And the children are under the threat of being returned,” emphasizes Natalia Stepina.

An important principle in the situation with difficult child- to help parents. “It's like on an airplane - an oxygen mask must be put on first by an adult, then by a child. We professionals begin by accepting the difficulties in the child. And we tell parents - yes, it's true, it's difficult with your child. For them, such acceptance is the most important factor,” says Natalia Stepina. “Dozens of mothers begin to cry at these words - when they are not told that you “must save society” or “you need to put your life on your child,” but when they accept their difficulties.

We work not with bad behavior, but with its cause

Olga Neupokoeva, correctional psychologist. Photo from kommersant.ru

Correctional psychologist Olga Neupokoeva notes that if at the reception there was a wave of foster families with children with ADHD (attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder), now psychologists are being treated indiscriminately with RAD (reactive attachment disorder).

Parents often make the mistake of starting to deal with the symptom—difficult behavior, academic delays, rather than the cause—of RAD. Experts advise parents to shift their focus to work with attachment difficulties. “Difficult behavior is the psychological protection of the child, thanks to it the child survived - both physically and morally. You can break a child, open his defenses. But he will resist to the last and win, the children have more motivation,” says Olga Neupokoeva.

Correctly build a family hierarchy

The child is always trying to adapt to the foster family. Actually, blood children behave the same way, we just don't always notice it. An adopted child comes to the family with his own experience, but sometimes his problematic behavior is a response to the system he came into, he believes. Jessica Frantova, child and family psychologist of the Charity Fund "Here and Now".

“In adolescence, this is strengthened - the child ceases to restrain himself, wants to show the whole world that he knows how to do the right thing. He wants to say: here, I adjusted to you, but you are wrong here, here and here, - explains Jessica Frantova. - Or he wants to make his parents the best - but how? He tries to “teach them about life” by showing their shortcomings, just like adults do with him.” So, the expert advises, try to hear the context in the words and behavior of the child.

In our families - as in our society - personal boundaries are often violated, and this also affects the behavior of the child. For example, reminds Jessica Frantova, think about how you address each other at home? Does the door close in the child's room, do you knock on his door? Often the child does not only have his own room, but also a personal place. And yet - the right to your opinion. Adults also need to be able to set and respect boundaries - and teach this to a child.

Another common problem in families is when a parent merges in his thoughts with his child. Such parents speak of the child in the plural "we" - "We entered", "We got a job." Such an adult, explains Jessica Frantova, is not interested in the child starting to solve his problems. And the child, in response, instinctively tries to escape from such a merger. But how? He is trying to become bad - subconsciously, believing that this way he will be “let go” faster.

Adults also make mistakes in building hierarchical relationships in the family. Sometimes parents expect support and help from their children, which they cannot give. “Giving support is the duty of superiors or equals. Children, by definition, are not in this position, the psychologist explains. - When a child "saves" his parents, when they try to use him as a support, in the end we get a difficult teenager. Because a burden is thrown on him that he cannot bear, and he begins to “build” everyone.

Mystery takes strength

Veronika Zolotova and Elena Pozdnyakova, employees of the psychological center "Puzzle" and the charitable foundation "Children +". Photos from sites estaltclub.com and b17.ru

Family secrets are another source of tension. Say, the secret of adoption or the secret of the diagnosis. Some teenagers do not want others to know that they are from foster families. Or that they are HIV positive. Some people don't know about it themselves, but they suspect something.

“Teens get depressed. There is a hormonal change, various mental processes are formed. They find it difficult to contain their emotions. It is difficult to assess, for example, the degree of risk and build long-term plans. Now imagine: in this state, the child also keeps a secret, is afraid that someone can expose him, ”they say. Veronika Zolotova and Elena Pozdnyakova, employees of the psychological center "Puzzle" and the charitable foundation "Children +".

Instead of fitting into the world, the child spends resources keeping secrets. And then there is not enough strength to achieve, to set goals. As a result, we get a difficult teenager who behaves provocatively.

“The child sees how the parent is tense, looking for answers to his uncomfortable questions, feels anxious. Also, parents wind up - "do not tell anyone, it will be bad, everyone will turn away from you." As a result, children look for answers to their questions on the Internet - and find what they want to find, ”Veronika Zolotova emphasizes.

Adoptive dads and moms are often not prepared for the consequences of making a diagnosis public. They do not know what kind of reaction the child will face. They do not know where to turn for help, and in fact, in front of the regulatory authorities, foster families have to demonstrate success. All this creates a lot of emotional tension, and it is difficult for parents and children to cope.

Psychologists are convinced that there is no need to hide anything from the child. What they say out loud ceases to scare so much. It is not the mystery itself that affects the teenager, but unlived feelings.

“For example, often a child with diagnoses is given medication, but not told about his illness. They say about pills - these are vitamins. This is mistake. At some point, the child will not want to drink “vitamins”, and you will have to explain that these are vital medicines,” Veronika Zolotova gives an example. And against the background of fears, obsessive thoughts arise. For example, HIV-infected children may begin to look for signs of illness in themselves, obsessive thoughts about death.

Of course, the acceptance of a diagnosis by a teenager is not an easy process. First, a shock, a short-lived, but violent emotional outburst. Then - denial: I do not have any illness, we live as before. The third stage is aggression, refusal of treatment, suicidal thoughts are possible, blaming others for what happened to him. Then the stage of depression begins. And here a significant adult is important, who will support, listen. Finally, the fifth stage is reconciliation with a situation where emotional support is also extremely important.

Meet the blood family on neutral territory

Yulia Kurchanova, psychologist of the program “Prevention of social orphanhood” of the Charitable Foundation “Volunteers to help orphans”.

Adoption is one of the social institutions that provide orphans and children left without parental care with a legal opportunity to have living conditions and upbringing in the family. Adoption in modern law is considered among the most significant forms of protection for children deprived of parental care, within which family ties are established between a child left without parental care, on the one hand, and married couple or a person who is not the child's natural father or mother, on the other. The priority of adoption over other forms of raising orphans - placement in state children's educational institutions (children's homes, orphanages, boarding schools) - is obvious, since only a family can provide a child with optimal conditions for a harmonious personal development. The Convention on the Rights of the Child, adopted by the UN General Assembly in 1989 and ratified by the USSR and then by the Russian Federation in 1990, declares the importance and necessity of ensuring family upbringing conditions for all children. According to Article 54 of the Family Code Russian Federation"Every child has the right to live and be brought up in a family."
The relevance of the problem of adoption is associated with a sharp increase in the number of orphans with living parents in the 1990s. The causes of social orphanhood are economic instability and unemployment, alcoholism of parents and deprivation of their parental rights, ill-conceived privatization of housing, turning children into homeless people, military conflicts in "hot spots".
V total number adoptions, there is a significant proportion of cases where a child is adopted by a stepfather or stepmother as a result of the remarriage of the child's natural parent. At the same time, the vast majority of adoptive parents do not have children of their own, which gives rise to a number of psychological problems associated with their adoption of a child; development of an optimal style of family education, taking into account the psychological and individual characteristics of adopted children with a difficult history of development; formation of psychological and pedagogical competence. It is necessary to provide adoptive parents with psychological support and assistance in solving problems that arise in the process of raising children.
Adoption Motivation
The fate of parent-child relations in a new family is largely determined by the following motives for adoption:
motive that satisfies the need for procreation. As a rule, the reasons for adoption are related to the infertility of spouses who have been trying unsuccessfully for a number of years to solve this problem with the help of treatment. The adoption of a child is perceived by childless spouses as the only way creating a complete family. Usually, the initiator of adoption is the spouse due to the pronounced "spontaneous craving" for motherhood. Risk factors in the upbringing of a child are the disagreements of the spouses in the desire to adopt a child, in their views on upbringing, the fear of “bad heredity”, a biased perception of the individual psychological characteristics of the adopted child;
the motive of "meaning of life" - the adopted child gives meaning to the existence of the parent, allows him to determine life goals and objectives;
the motive for overcoming loneliness - the child is seen as a significant partner with whom one can establish relationships of intimacy and trust, a source of positive emotional experiences, support in old age. Such motivation prevails among single people who, for various reasons, have not been able to create or maintain a family. Risk factors in this case are excessive and inadequate expectations regarding the child's personal qualities (sensitivity, kindness, caring, etc.), the age of the adopters (pre-retirement and retirement), which does not allow to fully realize the educational function during the period of high professional and social activity of the adopter ;
altruistic motivation, the desire to protect the child, to help him and assist in creating favorable conditions for development, to "pull" the child out of the "horror" of the orphanage. This type of motivation seems to be especially important, since in this case the foster parent makes the well-being and interests of the child the focus of his efforts, and not the satisfaction of his own interests and needs. The danger of this type of motivation lies in the desire of the parent, out of the best of intentions, to build asymmetric relationships in which the child is unconsciously imposed the role of a “consumer” of the conditions that the benefactor parent creates for him. Obviously, with such conniving hyperprotection, the child will learn only to take, without giving anything in return;
motive for compensating for the loss of one's own child. Parents who have experienced the death of a child seek to fill the emptiness and semantic vacuum with adoption as soon as possible. Such motivation can cause difficulties in parent-child relationships and even rejection of the adopted child. The idealization of the past and the constant comparison by the parent of his own and the adopted child, carried out both on a conscious and unconscious level, lead to disappointment, distancing, alienation, and even refusal to adopt. Psychologists who work with such cases advise parents who wish to adopt a child to temporarily postpone adoption in order to cope with the grief and grief of the loss. Usually, adoptive parents strive to take into the family a child who is as similar as possible to their own son or daughter - of the same age, gender, similar appearance. Similarity in these cases does not help, but on the contrary, complicates the acceptance of an orphan child, who, naturally, in all respects, in the eyes of the parents, will be inferior to their own child. Therefore, it is recommended to adopt a child of a different sex and more younger age than a native child [Krasnitskaya, 1997];
motive for stabilizing marital relations. In this case, as in the previous one, the child acts primarily as a means of repairing "fractured" marital relations. It is difficult to predict success in solving such a problem, since raising a foster child with its own problems and developmental difficulties will become more likely another reason for conflict and cooling than for rallying spouses. At the same time, under certain conditions, the option of uniting spouses on the basis of the common goal of education is also possible;
pragmatic motive for improving the material and housing situation.
Taking into account the motivation of adoption makes it possible to predict the success of mutual adaptation of parents and children and, if necessary, correct both the psychological readiness of spouses for adoption and child-parent interaction.
Psychological readiness of adoptive parents to accept a child into a family
Psychological readiness for adoption includes the following components: motivational readiness; psychological and pedagogical competence in the development and upbringing of children (awareness about the age and psychological characteristics of children, goals, objectives and methods of education, knowledge and understanding of the impact of social and family deprivation on the mental development of a child in different age periods ); the adequacy of the cognitive image of the adopted child (the awareness of the adoptive parents about the history of the development of the child, his parents and relatives, the main life events and the nature of the experience of their child, knowledge of the individual and personal characteristics of the adopted children, their interests, habits, "strengths" and "weak" sides; awareness about the child's social circle, his friends); emotional and volitional readiness (persistence in overcoming the difficulties of upbringing, emotional stability, tolerance for the manifestation of maladaptive behavior, developed empathy, focusing on the interests of the child, and not on one's own desires).
Psychological readiness for adoption is important condition successful adaptation of the child to a foster family. The deficiency of one of the components of readiness, accordingly, entails difficulties and problems in the sphere of child-parent relations. Special training programs for future parents are important, the content of which includes both a general part with information necessary to prepare future mothers and fathers for parenthood, and a specific one, reflecting the features of including a child in a family through adoption.
The main objectives of the programs of psychological and pedagogical preparation of parents for adoption should be: 1) informing adoptive parents about the peculiarities of the mental development of children brought up without a family;
formation of an adequate understanding of the laws of the child's mental development and the role of heredity, environment, communication and activity in order to overcome the myth of "fatal bad heredity";
informing adoptive parents about the dynamics and features of the process of adapting a child to a foster family, highlighting the age-specific features of this process; 4) formation of the competence of communication with children and adolescents brought up in conditions of social deprivation; 5) discussion and development of criteria for choosing children (gender, age, degree of psychological compatibility with parents) and rules of conduct for parents in the process of getting to know children in orphanages and boarding schools; 6) assistance in understanding the motives for adoption and their correction, if necessary; 7) building confidence in the possibility of overcoming problems associated with adoption, assistance in emotional stabilization and overcoming feelings of anxiety and fear; 8) informing adoptive parents about individual and age features children selected for adoption, reconstruction of the history of their development and development of recommendations for psychological correction and prevention of negative trends.
Dynamics of psychological adaptation of an adopted child to a new family
Psychological adaptation is a two-way process in which both parents and the child must solve problems related to changing the composition and functional-role structure of the family. Under the psychological adaptation of a child to a new family, one should understand his inclusion in the family system, his acceptance of the prescribed roles, norms and rules, the formation of attachment to parents and the establishment of effective forms of communication and cooperation. Psychological adaptation of parents involves the adoption and development of new functional roles (mother and father), the formation of a productive parental position, the formation of an adequate image of the child.
The dynamics of the adaptation process - the phases of adaptation, their content and sequence, duration - is determined by the following factors: 1. the age of the child: than older child, the higher the likelihood of difficulties in the process of its adaptation. Adjustment problems will also differ depending on the age of the child. So, for a child adopted in infancy, the main problems will be the transition to a new daily routine, feeding, walking, etc. For a teenager, the establishment of emotional and partnership relations with parents, the adoption and implementation of the norms and rules prescribed by the new family while maintaining independence and autonomy of behavior ;
individual and personal characteristics of the child. Young children with a "difficult temperament", younger schoolchildren and adolescents with pronounced character traits and character accentuation, of course, are a "risk group" for the success of adaptation to adoption. The history of their life and the events they have experienced dramatically increase the likelihood of undesirable traits of character and behavior, but does this mean that the adaptation of orphans who have been in unfavorable conditions from the point of view of mental development for a long time is fatally doomed to failure? The well-known model of "goodness of fit" allows us to give an optimistic answer to this question. The “good fit” model makes the well-being of a child’s mental development dependent on the ratio of its properties and characteristics, on the one hand, and the characteristics of the environment, situation, interaction partners, on the other. The ability of parents to adjust their behavior to the characteristics of the child, whatever they may be, to accommodate educational methods and influences in accordance with the situation determines the nature and degree of well-being of adaptation. In this sense, there is no "good/bad" environment and there is no "good/bad" heredity (biological status) of an individual in terms of the developmental effect. The effectiveness of adaptation will be determined by the correspondence of the family environment and the behavior of the parents to the hereditary constitutional and acquired characteristics of the child;
child development history. Of particular importance is the question of whether the child was brought up earlier in the family or from the moment of birth was in a children's institution (the so-called "refusal children"). If a child came to a children's institution from a family, then in the course of adaptation to foster parents, he will constantly compare the new family way of life, traditions, rules, and the attitude of adults towards him with his former family. If he was "withdrawn" from an antisocial and alcoholic family and placed in a children's institution due to the deprivation of parental rights, then most likely the comparison will be in favor of the new family. If the child has lost his family due to death, the death of his parents, then a protest against the whole way of the new family is very likely as a manifestation of an acute affective reaction to grief that has not been experienced. Orphans who have no experience of living at all will face the problem of mastering those norms and rules of behavior that “home children” literally absorb with their mother’s milk, and will try to bring the experience of previous orphanage relationships into a new family, which does not always adequately meet the norms. mutual respect, acceptance and cooperation;
duration of acquaintance with the adoptive parents. The better the members of the future family get to know each other, the easier it will be to solve the problems associated with adaptation. It is not only the time of acquaintance and the number of meetings that matters, but also the content of communication, its emotional richness, the mutual orientation of partners to each other's personality. The affective and business experience of the child's relationship with the adoptive parents during the period of acquaintance creates the basis for the development of family interaction and better knowledge of each other;
psychological readiness of parents for adoption. Obviously, it is the adopter who has the initiative in creating a new family, usually it is he who determines the rules and norms of her life. Therefore, the degree of psychological readiness of the parent to perform the educational function, taking into account and respecting the individuality of the child adopted into the family, and, accordingly, the readiness for co-creation in the development of a new family will determine the speed and success of psychological adaptation;
the possibility for the child to preserve the system of former social and interpersonal relations. In the practice of adoption, there are two opposing positions on the issue of the expediency of keeping a child in contact with a children's institution, each of which has its own rational arguments "for" and "against". The first position - "get away from the past" - insists on the need to put an end to the "difficult past" as soon as possible, forget it like a nightmare and build new life and new relationships from scratch. Hence the demand to stop all previous contacts and relationships. An additional argument for supporters of the position of a break with the past is the preservation of the secrecy of adoption. The sooner a child forgets his orphanage past, the less likely it is to accidentally meet him, the more reliably, according to supporters of this position, the secret of adoption can be kept.
The second position insists on the preservation by the child of the network of former social and interpersonal relationships - the former school and class, friends, social circle - due to the fact that a radical change in the life of the child, even in the conditions of finding a new family, makes the task of his psychological adaptation extremely difficult. Preservation social support facilitates this process and increases the level of tolerance of children to the inevitable "abnormal" impacts.
The main directions of providing psychological assistance to adopted children are as follows:
creation of conditions for quick and successful adaptation to a new life in a foster family (mode, requirements, accepted forms of interaction between family members);
Establishing a positive cooperative relationship with adoptive parents. Expansion and cultivation of the norms of emotional assistance and empathy of the child with parents in order to form an emotional attachment;
correction mental development adopted child, creating the basis for the success of his activities and achievements. Orientation of adoptive parents in the achievements of the child, the optimum expectations and requirements for the child in relation to success;
assistance in introducing the child to family history. Creation " new history”, dating from the moment of acquaintance with foster parents and adoption;
expanding the child's circle of communication with peers in order to stabilize his emotional status and create a group of psychological support and tolerance resources;
assistance in maintaining the child's previous significant social and interpersonal ties. Ensuring the continuity of his personal history in order to preserve his ego identity and prevent the fear of “losing himself”.
Questions and tasks
List the causes and risk factors for family divorce.
Describe the dynamics of divorce. Formulate recommendations for successfully overcoming its consequences.
What are the advantages and "pitfalls" of remarriage?
List the main motives for adopting a child.
List the psychological problems of adoption and formulate recommendations for their resolution.

The article is based on a clinical case. From the story of the parents - the adopted child does not obey:

“Vasya was two years old when we adopted him. Now he is seven. He was a healthy, cheerful kid, we immediately liked him. We have been trained in parenting by adoptive parents. Everything was fine. The problems started when he went to kindergarten. Didn't want to go there, threw tantrums, stubborn. Then he began to steal other children's toys and bring them home. I hid these toys under the mattress. How embarrassing in front of the parents of these children!

They made him apologize! I had to search him every time he was taken from the kindergarten. He did not listen to what they asked, he did everything the other way around. He even stained his clothes on purpose. We talked to him in an amicable way, but he does not understand. They put me in a corner, punished me with a belt sometimes. Lost the computer. He doesn't care, he even began to steal and hide food.

Now I'm in first grade. Stole money, stole it from the closet. I bought sweets and ate them. We figured out for a long time where he put the money, we had to beat the words out of him with a belt. Found chocolate wrappers - hid at the table. Then they believed that they spent it on sweets. He also steals from stores. He does not want to study at school, he is rude to the teacher, he shows aggression towards other children. The teacher caught him and a boy from the senior class with a cigarette. He's only seven, and he already smokes! And already a thief! What to do? We can't handle it!"

Families and adopted children - is there a difference? Why there are problems raising foster children

When a woman gives birth to her child, she does not know what it will be, she does not choose either the sex or the mental characteristics of the baby. Naturally, a child is born as it is, and a woman has a maternal instinct for him. This is a natural mechanism, it is necessary for the preservation of offspring in both animals and humans.

In the presence of maternal instinct, the life of the baby is evaluated by the mother as a priority over her own life. The mother takes care of the child, invests the best in him and unconsciously does not expect a return from him. They love their own child, no matter what he is and no matter what he has done.

When adopting, people can choose the child themselves. When people adopt, they are guided by their own mind and preferences. Choose the one you like. Those who do not like it are not taken, and if they are adopted, then with the aim of making him one that they would like. There is no maternal instinct for adopted children. Consciously adoptive parents do everything for the baby, but something may not go the way they want. If, in the presence of a maternal instinct, a mother is naturally aimed by nature at giving the child everything she has, even her own life, then a different attitude is formed towards adopted children.

When adopting, the natural mechanism of the priority of the child over the parents does not work. Everything is planned by nature correctly, because the future is children who must survive and get all the best so that the human species continues to exist and develop. Therefore, a mother is ready to give her life for her child. Adoptive parents act differently.

The very best motives can push people out of the orphanage. Some cannot give birth to their child and take it into the family to love him as his own. So that there is someone to transfer the family business, the inheritance. Others want to give a destitute, abandoned child a home out of compassion. One way or another, people act from their desire, that is, from their unconscious egoistic desire, which they are not aware of. And this means that they perform an action with the expectation of a return, that is, a receipt. Give in order to receive in return. There is no unconscious regulation between adopted children and parents, as happens with a native baby through maternal instinct. Adoptive parents are guided by their minds, which may be wrong.

Own children can please with achievements - excellent studies, obedience, help, success in sports. But they may not please, but rather upset. Nevertheless, they remain their own, and even if the son is a juvenile thief and criminal, the mother will protect him and justify him.

From the adopted child, we expect returns. This is an internal attitude, and it is unconscious. It turns out me: "I to you, and you to me." If the adopted baby does not live up to expectations, behaves badly, then the parents do not get what they want unconsciously. Not receiving the desired obedience and development of the adopted child, parents punish him in a way that they would not do with their own children. The unconscious expectation of return from the adopted baby makes the relationship with him very difficult. Therefore, there are so many problems in raising foster children - they can start stealing, showing aggression, expressing protest different ways. It is not uncommon for parents to return a child back to Orphanage because they couldn't handle it.

Seven-year-old Vasya was beaten, humiliated in front of the public, punished. Parents acted so involuntarily, because even their own children are often punished and beaten. In the same case, the child became so uncontrollable that the parents turned to a psychiatrist for help.

How to solve the psychological problems of raising a foster child in this family?

Any child, natural or adopted, needs a sense of security and safety, and Vasya is no exception. This is necessary for the development of his psyche. The kid unconsciously feels that the parents, first of all, the mother, preserve his life and health, including mental balance. This means that he can develop calmly and subsequently begin to maintain himself on his own when he is mentally mature for the puberty period.

The psyche develops until adolescence, and until that time the child manifests himself as not yet mature, not an adult. You can't ask him like an adult. As they did with Vasya - “steals”. He didn't steal. Vasya, being deprived of a sense of security and safety, was forced to preserve himself, that is, mentally he had to behave like an adult with an immature psyche.

So there are delays in the development of the psyche - both in foster children and in native children. The difference is that the adopted child does not initially receive a sense of security and safety based on maternal instinct. If a native child loses security and safety when he is shouted at, beaten, humiliated, then the same actions at the adoptive Vasya aggravated his developmental delays more and more. Therefore, improper upbringing of adopted children, ignorance of the psychological nuances and peculiarities of raising adopted children can lead a family to disastrous consequences.

There will be no maternal instinct for an adopted child. But it is possible to create an emotional connection with him. This is sensual, confidential communication. You can start by reading bedtime stories.

An emotional connection will allow you to create and maintain a strong relationship with your child for life. And reading bedtime stories, joint family reading is the education of feelings, the key to the future ability of a child to perceive the world as beautiful, to see the beauty of the soul of another person, to create happy pair relationships.

The tradition of a common family table strengthens relationships. When people share the pleasure of food and at the same time share their sensual experiences about something, this brings them even closer. Joint dinners should be in all families, and not only where a foster child is brought up.

For the correct upbringing of an adopted child, as well as in order to avoid problems in the upbringing of both adopted and native children, it is necessary to know the characteristics of their psyche. The baby is born with predetermined abilities. According to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, the psyche consists of parts (vectors), there are eight in total. This means that the child already has some of the eight innate vectors that make up his psyche. Each vector is endowed with its own special properties and talents.

They are in their infancy and need to be developed. In the process of development, the child himself, by his behavior, shows where the mistakes of upbringing are made. Vasya did this many times. Theft is a sign that a child is physically punished, who from a small thief is able to develop into a talented engineer, manager, representative of the law.

Feeling safe and secure, emotional connection, family traditions, the correct development according to innate properties (vectors) will allow solving problems in raising not only the adopted Vasya, but also his own child too.

How to avoid problems when adopting a child and raising him in a foster family?

First of all, it is necessary to realize that by adopting a child, we take responsibility for his life upon ourselves. He needs to feel. When parents stand over him, like strict censors, ready at any next moment to punish him for not living up to what is invested in him, this is the path to parenting problems and developmental delays in the adopted child.

The question arises: how to choose a child for adoption? This, from which parents have nothing to get, but you can only invest in it - you can adopt. It's about physical disabilities. Those children who cannot please us with achievements in anything, even grandchildren. Thus, adoptive parents deliberately put themselves in a situation where they will only invest in the development of the baby and will not expect anything in return for it. Unconsciously it will work and it right choice. Mentally ill children cannot be adopted - they can be patronized, but not taken into the family.

When a child of a deceased relative is adopted, the mechanism of giving back to the child and its priority over the parents also works. Such a child is unconsciously perceived as his own, he can and should be adopted.

To learn more about raising children according to their innate abilities, start studying the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. Register for free lectures here.

The article was written using the materials of Yuri Burlan's online training "System-Vector Psychology"
Chapter:

Adopting a child is a very responsible step. The desire to adopt a baby is perhaps even a more serious decision than the birth of your own. And you need to accept it with full responsibility, realizing that you will not have a way back. Let us dwell in more detail on the difficulties that lie in wait for people who decide to become foster parents.

Collection of documents

Many potential adoptive parents, after contacting the department of guardianship and guardianship, are intimidated by the paperwork associated with adoption. And they stop considering this option, believing that it is easier to fly into space than to adopt a child.

The main requirement that undermines those who wish is the level of income and a strict standard for living space: 14 square meters for each family member, including a foster child. He will also need to allocate a separate bed and a table for training sessions. A separate room is required for an HIV-infected baby and a disabled child.

If you are determined to accept a baby into the family, you should start collecting the necessary documents. You need to confirm your legal capacity as a parent: fill out a questionnaire, provide a marriage certificate (single parents also have a chance to become an adoptive parent), confirm the availability of housing, official work and stable income. There are also restrictions: the presence of a criminal record and serious illnesses (tuberculosis, mental disorders, alcoholism, etc.). Their full list is given in Article 127 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation.

Form of adoption of a child in a family

If all the documents are in order, then the family faces a problem - what form of adoption of the child to choose. Let's look at the two most common: custody and adoption.

• guardianship

Guardianship implies the adoption of the child as a foster child. It is established over children who have not reached the age of 14, and can be unlimited or appointed for a fixed period. The state pays a monthly allowance for a child under guardianship, and housing is provided for them when they reach the age of 18. However, guardianship involves active interference in the affairs of the family by the relevant authorities. You will not be able to change the date of birth, and changing the child's last name is difficult. It should be remembered that other applicants for custody or adoption of a child may appear at any time.

• Adoption

When adopted, the baby acquires a full-fledged family with all rights and obligations. You can change the date of his birth, assign your last name and patronymic. An adopted child receives the right to inherit, like your own children, and in the event of a divorce, the right to alimony. If the adoption is canceled, the court, based on the interests of the child, may oblige you to pay funds for its maintenance.

Child adaptation

Many abandoned children have serious problems with adaptation in a foster family. If the parents took a baby from the orphanage, then there may not be any special problems, since he has not yet had a negative educational experience. A child older than two years old, who has seen enough of the scandals between the biological mother and father, may react sharply to a loud voice and be afraid of any rustle. Teenagers who have already lived a difficult life and have learned to adapt to it in a not always “legal” way get used to it even more difficult.

Moms take note!

Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me, but I’ll write about it))) But I have nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too ...

Adoptive parents often fear that children will show a bad heredity. Therefore, adults live in constant tension and look for shortcomings in the development and behavior of the child. Noticing bad inclinations, parents begin to think that they can do nothing with bad inclinations, and are disappointed in their choice.

Practice shows that many difficulties arise due to the fault of adults. They are afraid to punish the adopted baby if he, because they think that he will consider himself unloved and a stranger. Remember that proper upbringing in most cases allows you to correct your emotional state, get rid of negative habits.

The truth about adoption

Every adoptive parent sooner or later asks himself a difficult question: should the child, who has already become a family, tell the truth about adoption? Let's try to figure out what can happen if you keep a secret.

Many parents think that the truth about the appearance of a child in the family can cripple his life forever. You seem to be trying this situation on yourself, thinking about how you would feel if your beloved parents suddenly turned out to be step-parents. Of course, this would be a serious blow.

On the other hand, where is the guarantee that the child will not find this truth in the documents or will not be told by numerous “well-wishers”? Finding out that you are adopted is much more unpleasant from strangers. Not only are mom and dad not relatives, it also turns out that they lied to you all your life. In such a case, the appearance of distrust and disappointment in the relationship, as well as numerous problems, is inevitable.

To tell or not to tell the truth to a non-native child is up to you. But if your offspring, having learned that he is not native, will feel an atmosphere of love and understanding, serious conflicts should not arise.