A quiet noise in the hallway, Olga looks out of the kitchen and sees her eldest son, throwing off his sneakers, walking down the corridor. It is useless to say hello: he has already left and will not hear. Click: the door to his room closed, loud music sounded from behind it ...

All this means that 15-year-old Anton has returned from school, where he spent most of the day. Olga sighs: “And so every day. We play silent. Silent in Seattle ... Wow: in a year he grew by 15 centimeters and lost 90% of the words that he once knew! If during the day we hear “Hello”, “Dinner soon?” and “Switch to football”, there is a holiday in the house.”

However, Olga is still lucky: some teenagers do not communicate with their parents for two or three weeks... Developmental psychologist Galina Burmenskaya often hears such stories.

“Adolescents are loaded with their experiences, their own rapid growth, restructuring in the body. Focused on yourself and your internal problems the child moves away from the parents. That is why a couple of questions about dinner, TV or a computer are already a lot, especially if behind them there is a desire to reassure parents, to tell them that everything is in order.

Why is this happening?

Starting from the age of 12–13, adolescents gradually move away from their parents: they prefer communication with peers. Such a model of behavior has arisen relatively recently, as well as the very concept of "transitional age" - the time of transition (often difficult) from childhood to adulthood.

“Of course, the conflict of generations has always existed,” says Galina Burmenskaya. “But life was still different, teenagers needed more joint efforts with their parents: they relied on them in household affairs and in raising younger children.” During the 1960s and 1970s, a separate teenage and youth culture emerged with its main attribute, rock music.

Closeness of a teenager - back side the storm that rages inside him

“Music has supplanted words: instead of relationships with parents, young people began to build relationships with their time first,” notes sociologist Michel Fiz. In addition, the burden of household chores has become much easier thanks to home appliances, and therefore there is almost no real need to involve teenagers in the domestic side of life.

A mobile phone, TV, game consoles, a computer with the Internet in a teenager's room “expand the moat separating children from their parents,” believes Galina Burmenskaya. “Adults inevitably lose their authority and significance, but peers with similar problems, questions and interests can understand and share each other’s experiences.”

Reclaim your right to privacy

In itself, the child's unwillingness to communicate with us is not a reason to worry. The isolation of a teenager is the other side of the storm that rages inside him. It is difficult for him to put into words everything new that is happening to him.

“The body changes, the perception of what is happening, past views are criticized, and finally, for the first time, he seriously falls in love ... Sometimes a child is so focused on the problem that he is simply not ready to discuss it. Or maybe he is shy or afraid that he will blurt out something that concerns him alone, ”explains Galina Burmenskaya.

To grow up, to build himself, a teenager needs a screen that separates him from his parents. Behind her, he cannot be unraveled, and then his “I”, inaccessible to other people's opinions, will be able to mature, based on his own experience, his own decisions and mistakes.

“Parents want the teenager to be transparent to them, to obey them without fail. They do not just talk to him, but try to influence, achieve, criticize ... and are surprised that communication does not add up, - says Galina Burmenskaya. - When adults explain in a fit of their own rightness, “how it is right” and “how it should be”, they cause fierce resistance of the teenager, because they deprive him of his life, his sense of self.

At this age, he begins to try a lot, experiences a lot of inconvenience, delight and uncertainty ... But this "flight" is interrupted when mom and dad begin to "teach how to live." It turns out that silence in most cases is just a way of coexistence, preserving oneself and relationships with others.

There is no need to constantly try to delve into the conflicts of a teenager, to get information from him at any cost

Speech is the area where the adult is always stronger: the child adopts the language from the parents, learns to speak in dialogue with them, wants to separate from them, using the words accepted in his circle. But we want to keep in touch with our growing son or daughter. What is the best way to build communication?

By the way, Anton, Olga's son, does not consider himself a silent man at all. “It's not true that I don't talk to my mother, I just don't want to tell her about everything. And I don’t like it when our conversation suddenly becomes like an interrogation, and even with accusations ... What can I do? Just keep quiet - it's easier to avoid showdowns. But I get on well with my friends and even with their parents.”

This is quite natural: an "outsider" adult does not accept his actions ( appearance, judgments) close to the heart, he is more restrained, delicate, does not condemn and does not require frankness ... That is, he does not do what our children do not like so much.

When is it time to worry?

"It's important to support good relationship with friends of a son or daughter, - Galina Burmenskaya is sure. - If there is a cause for concern, you can ask one of them what is happening to him (her) ... "The situation is much more alarming when a teenager stops communicating even with friends, rejects what he loved before ...

If this is prolonged, the help of a psychologist may be needed. How do you tell a teenager about this? So, in order not to offend him: invite the child to go to him on his own (“You are already an adult and can handle it yourself”) or sign up for a consultation together, telling him that you are worried about your mutual alienation. In addition, adults also have a lot to learn: for example, active listening skills.

“They are indispensable for everyday successful communication. Active listening means “returning” to the interlocutor what he told you, naming his feeling, says psychologist Julia Gippenreiter in the book “Communicate with a Child. How?". - “You are upset and angry”, “You don’t like going to school”, “You don’t want to be friends with those who offend you.” By indicating that you hear him and do not leave him alone with his own experiences, you give him the opportunity to speak out and find his own solution to a difficult situation.

keep quiet together

Let the silence of teenagers be quite natural, but what about parents? What will help us to keep in touch with those who elude us in silence? You should not look for verbal communication at any cost, sometimes joint classes are enough: “I see you don’t want to talk now, let’s just drink coffee (we’ll go to the cinema, cook something for dinner).”

The ability to talk to each other is not just the ability to pronounce words. This is the ability to organize the life of the family in a special way: trustingly, openly, benevolently. After all, in such a family they not only tell, but also listen.

No, we are no longer number one. Now they need freedom, independence, conversations with peers

The taciturn Anton admitted that he likes to travel with his father on all kinds of business and talk about anything, but not about personal things ... You can also recall other family stories: 13-year-old Marina does not like to share news with her mother, but enjoys watching TV shows with her or sits next to her in the kitchen when she prepares dinner. 14-year-old Ilya and Liza every week happily go to the pool with their parents...

So growing children still need us? Yes and no. Yes, it is very important for them to be sure that their parents love them and are always ready to help if they ask for it. No, we are no longer number one. Now they need freedom, independence, endless (real and virtual) conversations with their peers. And our task is to balance on a fine line, being interested in their life, but not imposing our assessments. Listening to their silence, which tells us: "Let me go, but do not leave!" Let's not delude ourselves: this is easier said than done.

Books on the topic

• “Communicate with the child. How?" Julia Gippenreiter, Astrel, 2010.
• How to talk so teenagers will listen and how to listen so teenagers will talk by Adele Faber Elaine Mazlish, Eksmo, 2011.
• "Pedagogy for All" Simon Soloveitchik, First of September, 2000.

So you long time raised their baby. At first, this little lump snuggled up to you every minute. At the time, he needed it. Physically and energetically. Dad and mom are heroes, main defenders, entertainers, buyers, substitutes for everything and everything.

AT senior group kindergarten, new heroes began to appear: Mitya's dad - he is a motorcyclist, Spider-Man - he is cool, Ivan Petrovich - he is my coach. You have already gradually become heroes one-tenth less. Did not notice? OK.

Move on - elementary School. Now the main ones are the teacher, friend Seryozhka, friend Masha! Mom and dad do not know how to pass the level in Minecraft and how the kitten laughs on the phone. Mom and dad only want good grades and strictly control it. But laughing together was no longer so important. Not so quivering are hugs. And not so often you want this, as in three years. You parents are only half heroes.

Photo by GettyImages

And then comes the 5-6th grade, 10-11 years old. The child begins to understand that the world is huge and unknown. There is only one hero "half": mom or dad. This is fine. The world is not enough for two. And the invisible umbilical cord that binds you and the baby is getting longer and more transparent. There is a desire to show or hide your world: scream about yourself or withdraw.

But you Dear Parents are not ready for this yet. It is they who grow slowly for you, but for themselves they grow quickly. And then comes the nasty, nasty and military puberty.

Nikitka began to snarl, I can't force him to do anything.

Yesterday Sasha disrupted the lesson!

Sonechka was such a nice child, now she argues to the point of hoarseness.

I can’t drive to swim and brush my teeth, just with a fight!

Danil told me that he hates me, it's a nightmare!

And now let's take a look at why this happens and why a teenager is a reflection of our actions.

If the child did not have the so-called difficult, adolescence period, then you have correctly formed a relationship with him.

First: the child does not rebel, he asks you to refuse sanctions

Imagine your Masha, Dasha, Arishka or Yegorka is a new huge republic. In the head - the government, young, inexperienced, but terrible smart. And this republic is part of your country. Yes, yes, you are a hypothetical PAPAMAMALANDIA. Anything before that doesn't count. You yourself raised the republic and gave it rights and laws. The laws are general. You still think that a child has no rights, but only responsibilities. The child has already given himself rights. And there's nothing to be done. You defended him, you said out loud: “Yes, the teacher has no right to say that, who invented it to mock children like that, the child is a person!” We do not discuss now what is right and what is not. Rights received. On one's own. Because it is important for a child of 12-15 years old.

And what is happening in this new republic in a huge country? The Republic is trying to live. As he knows how, as he was taught before, and he does something contrary, in a different way, he comes up with new laws and shouts about rights. What do the celestials (i.e. parents) do? They have lived their lives, they know a lot, they are always right.

• AT big country everything is built, and you are still building.
• In a big country there is a law, and you are breaking it.
• In a large country, everyone has calmed down: no need to get enough sleep at night and tear all your strength to draw wall newspapers for school, no need to compete, as in elementary school.

Photo by GettyImages

And then there's the riot! And the main ones impose harsh sanctions: the republic is still small, but it has so much to develop, it does not have time, it will not succeed, it must be fenced off, taken away, banned. We have all learned history. What will happen next? The revolution.

How to(should): accept the new government with its great potential. I'll tell you a secret: most adults are no smarter than teenagers, because the accumulated internal barriers often prevent them from living on their own. And these gestalts are automatically transferred to children. Yes, we are limited, deal with it. Experience is not always a guarantee of wisdom. Your own republic has chamomile fields of opportunity! There is not yet this “I know how this will end!”, There is “I wonder how this can end?”, And there are always millions of options.

I want to clarify that we are not talking about potentially dangerous things in the life of a teenager (we strictly and immediately limit this). Let the realization come that the five-year-old kissing you every minute is no more. And if not, you need to change yourself, not the child! It's not us who have changed. It is he who has changed. It is difficult for him, he does not understand, sometimes it hurts him. And, no matter how he shouts and quarrels with you, do not impose sanctions, expand his republic within yourself.

Second: if a teenager freaks out, conflicts with you ... it means that he lacks your love!

Most parents believe that it is important for a child to be understood. The teenager shouts: “Yes, you don’t need to understand me, love me the way I am, I don’t understand myself either.”

The roles have already changed, but you did not notice.

• Now he communicates with you like an adult. And let the father scream in his hearts that something has grown, but the brains do not. Everything has grown. Little is left of the child.
• Rethink your roles in the family. If something could be allowed with a ten-year-old, now it’s impossible! Do you remember how six years ago you squatted down to talk to your crying daughter? Now you should do the same, only communicate in the role of "adult - adult".
• When a child freaks out, he tries to shout: “I have changed, love me in a new way!” It means that

In contact with

Classmates

Why doesn't he want anything?

Katerina Demina, a consultant psychologist, a specialist in child psychology, wrote an excellent article in which she answers this, perhaps now the most pressing question of parents.

There are, of course, a lot of letters - however, we believe that all parents of teenagers would be good to read and feel.

This phenomenon has gained momentum in recent years seven. A whole generation of young people has grown up who "want nothing." No money, no career, no personal life. They sit for days at computers, they are not interested in girls (perhaps just a little, so as not to strain).

They are not going to work at all. As a rule, they are satisfied with the life that they already have - their parents' apartment, a little money for cigarettes, beer. Not more. What's wrong with them?

Sasha was brought in for a consultation by her mother. An excellent 15-year-old guy, the dream of any girl: athletic, his tongue is suspended, he is not rude, his eyes are lively, his vocabulary is not like that of Ellochka the cannibal, he plays tennis and the guitar. Mom's main complaint, just a cry of a tortured soul: "Well, why doesn't he want anything?"

History details

What does "nothing" mean, I ask. Nothing at all? Or does he still want to eat, sleep, walk, play, watch a movie?

It turns out that Sasha does not want to do anything from the list of "normal" things for a teenager. I.e:

1. To study;

2. Work;

3. go to courses

4. meet girls;

5. Help mom with housework;

6. And even go on vacation with mom.

Mom is sad and desperate. A hefty man has grown up, and the use of him is like a goat's milk. Mom all her life for him, everything only for his good, denied herself everything, took on any job, took classes, took expensive classes, sent them to language camps abroad - and he first sleeps until dinner, then turns on the computer and until plays with toys at night. And she hoped that he would grow up, and she would feel better.

I keep asking. Who is the family made up of? Who makes money in it? What are the functions of whom?

It turns out that Sasha's mother has been alone for a long time, she divorced when he was five years old, "his father was just the same couch potato, maybe it's genetically transmitted?" She works, she works hard, because she has to support three people (herself, grandmother and Sasha), she comes home at night, deadly tired.

The house rests on the grandmother, she is engaged in housekeeping, and she watches over Sasha. Only here is the trouble - Sasha completely got out of hand, does not obey his grandmother, does not even snarl, he simply misses his ears.

He goes to school when he wants to, when he doesn't want to, he doesn't. He's threatened by the army, but doesn't seem to care one bit. He does not make the slightest effort to study even a little better, although all the teachers unanimously say that he has a golden head and abilities.

A school from the elite, state-owned, with a history. But in order to stay in it, you have to take tutors in the main subjects. And all the same, deuces in a quarter, they can be excluded.

She doesn’t do anything around the house, she doesn’t even wash a cup after herself, a grandmother with a stick is forced to carry heavy bags of groceries from the store, and then she carries food to his computer on a tray.

“Well, what is the matter with him? Mom is almost crying. “I gave my whole life to him.”

Boy

Next time I see Sasha alone. Indeed, a good boy, handsome, fashionably and expensively dressed, but not defiantly. Some are too good. He's kind of lifeless. A picture in a girls' magazine, a glamorous prince, if only there was a pimple somewhere, or something.

He is friendly, polite with me, with all his appearance he demonstrates openness and willingness to cooperate. Ugh, I feel like a character on an American teen show: the protagonist at a psychoanalyst's appointment. I want to say something to mom. Okay, let's remember who the pros are here.

You won’t believe it, he practically reproduces his mother’s text word for word. A 15-year-old boy says like a school teacher: “I'm lazy. My laziness prevents me from achieving my goals. And I’m also very unassembled, I can stare at one point and sit like that for an hour.

And what do you want yourself?

He doesn't want anything special. The school is boring, the lessons are stupid, although the teachers are cool, the best.

No close friends, no girlfriend either. There are no plans.

That is, he is not going to make humanity happy in any of the 1539 ways known to civilization, he does not plan to become a megastar, he does not need wealth, career growth and achievements. He doesn't need anything at all. Thank you, we have everything.

Slowly, a picture begins to emerge, I won’t say that it is very unexpected for me.

From about the age of three, Sasha has been studying. First preparation for school, swimming and English.

Now, in addition to studying at the Mathematical Lyceum, he attends English courses at MGIMO, two sports sections and a tutor. He doesn’t walk in the yard, he doesn’t watch TV - there is no time. The computer that my mother complains about so much is played only during the holidays, and even then not every day.

Why doesn't he want anything?

Formally, all these activities were voluntarily chosen by Sasha. But when I ask what he would like to do if he didn't have to study, he says "play the guitar." (Options heard from other respondents: play football, play on the computer, do nothing, just walk). Play. Let's remember this answer and move on.

What's up with him

You know, I have three such clients a week. Almost every appeal about a boy aged 13 to 19 is about this: he doesn’t want anything.

In each such case, I see the same picture: an active, energetic, ambitious mother, an absent father, at home or a grandmother, or nannies-housekeepers. More often than not, my grandmother.

The family system is distorted: the mother takes the role of a man in the house. She is the breadwinner, she makes all the decisions, she is in contact with the outside world, she protects, if necessary. But she is not at home, she is in the fields and on the hunt.

The fire in the hearth is supported by the grandmother, only she does not have the levers of power in relation to their “common” child, he may not obey, and be rude. If it were mom and dad, dad would come home from work in the evening, mom would complain to him about the inappropriate behavior of his son, dad would kick him - and all the love. And here you can complain, but there is no one to beat.

Mom tries to give her son everything, everything: the most fashionable entertainment, the most necessary educational tools, any gifts and purchases. The son is not happy. And again and again this refrain sounds: "does not want anything."

And after a while, the question just starts to itch inside me: “And when does he want something? If for a long time my mother wanted everything for him, she dreamed, planned and did it.

That's when a five-year-old kid sits at home alone, rolls a typewriter on the carpet, plays, growls, buzzes, builds bridges and fortresses - at this moment desires begin to emerge and mature in him, at first vague and unconscious, gradually forming into something concrete: I want a big fire station car with people. Then he waits for mom or dad from work, expresses his desire and receives an answer. Usually: "Be patient until the New Year (birthday, payday)."

And you have to wait, endure, dream about this car before going to bed, look forward to the happiness of owning, imagine it (still a car) in all details. Thus, the child learns to contact his inner world in terms of desires.

And what about Sasha (and all the other Sashas I deal with)? I wanted to - I wrote a text message to my mother, I sent it - my mother ordered it via the Internet - they brought it in the evening.

Or vice versa: why do you need this car, your lessons have not been done, you have read two pages of a speech therapy primer? Once - and cut off the beginning of the tale. All. Dreaming is no longer possible.

These boys really have everything: the latest smartphones, the latest jeans, trips to the sea four times a year. But they don’t have the opportunity to just kick the bulldozer. Meanwhile, boredom is the most creative state of the soul, without it it is impossible to invent an occupation for oneself.

The child must be bored and bored, so that there is a need to move and act. And he is deprived of even the most elementary right to decide whether to go to the Maldives or not. Mom has already decided everything for him.

What parents say

At first, I listen to my parents for quite a long time. Their claims, disappointments, resentments, guesses. It always starts with complaints like “we are everything to him, and he, in response, is nothing.”

The enumeration of what exactly is “everything for him” is impressive. I am learning about some things for the first time. For example, it never occurred to me that a 15-year-old boy could be taken to school by the hand. And until now I thought that the limit is the third class. Well, the fourth one is for girls.

But it turns out that the anxieties and fears of mothers are pushing them to strange acts. What if the bad boys attacked him? And they will teach him bad things (smoking, swearing with bad words, lying to parents; the word “drugs” is most often not pronounced, because it is very scary).

Often there is such an argument as "You understand what time we live in." To be honest, I don't really understand. It seems to me that the times are always about the same, well, except for the very difficult ones, for example, when the war is going on right in your city.

In my time, it was deadly dangerous for a girl of 11 years old to walk alone through a wasteland. So we didn't go. We knew we shouldn't go there, and we followed the rules. And there were sexual maniacs, and sometimes they robbed in the entrances.

What was missing was a free press. Therefore, people learned the criminal report from acquaintances of acquaintances, according to the principle "one grandmother said." And as it passed through many mouths, the information became less intimidating and more blurry. Like an alien abduction. Everyone heard that it happens, but no one saw it.

When it is shown on TV, with details, close-up, it becomes the reality that is here, next to you, in your house. You see it with your own eyes - but admit it, most of us have never seen a victim of a robbery ourselves in our lives?

The human psyche is not adapted to the daily observation of death, especially violent death. This causes severe injury, and modern man does not know how to defend himself from it. Therefore, on the one hand, we seem to be more cynical, and on the other hand, we do not let our children go outside. Because it's dangerous.

Most often, such helpless and lethargic children grow up with those parents who have been independent from early childhood. Too mature, too responsible, left to their own devices too early.

From the first grade, they came home on their own, the key was on a ribbon around their neck, the lessons were on their own, to warm up food on their own, at best, the parents would ask in the evening: “What about your lessons?”. For the whole summer, either to the camp, or to my grandmother in the village, where there was also no one to supervise.

And then these children grew up, and perestroika happened. A complete change of everything: way of life, values, guidelines. There is something to be nervous about. But the generation adapted, survived, even became successful. The repressed and painstakingly unnoticed anxiety remained. And now everything in full fell on the head of a single child.

And the accusations against the child are serious. Parents completely refuse to recognize their contribution to his (child) development, they only complain bitterly: "Here I am at his age ...".

“At his age, I already knew for sure what I wanted from life, and in the 10th grade he was only interested in toys. I have been doing my homework since the third grade, and in the eighth grade he cannot sit down at the table until you let me down by the hand. My parents didn’t even know what our math program was, and now I have to solve every example with it.”

All this is pronounced with a tragic intonation "Where is this world heading?". As if children have to repeat life path parents.

At this point, I begin to ask what kind of behavior they would like from their child.

It turns out a rather funny list, sort of like a portrait of an ideal man:

1. To do everything himself;

2. To obey unquestioningly;

3. Showed initiative;

4. He was engaged in those circles that will be useful later in life;

5. He was sensitive and caring and was not selfish;

6. He was more assertive and punchy.

At the last paragraph, I'm already sad. But the mother who makes the list is also sad: she noticed a contradiction. "I want the impossible?" she asks sadly.

Yes, unfortunately. Or singing or dancing. Either you have an obedient botanist who agrees to everything, or an energetic, enterprising, punchy C student. Either he sympathizes and supports you, or silently nods and walks past you towards his goal.

The idea came from somewhere that by doing the right thing with a child, you can somehow magically protect him from all future troubles. As I said, the benefits of numerous developmental activities are very relative.

The child misses a really important stage in development: games and relationships with peers. Boys do not learn to invent a game for themselves, do not discover new territories (because it is dangerous there), do not fight, do not know how to gather a team around them.

Girls do not know anything about the "women's circle", although they are doing a little better with creativity: nevertheless, girls are more often sent to various handicraft circles, and even "score" the need for social communication girls have a harder time.

In addition to child psychology, out of old memory, I also study the Russian language and literature with schoolchildren. So, in the pursuit of foreign languages, parents completely missed their native Russian language.

The vocabulary of modern teenagers, like Ellochka the Cannibal, is within a hundred. But proudly declares: the child studies three foreign languages, including Chinese, and all with native speakers.

And children understand proverbs literally (“You can’t even catch a fish from a pond without difficulty” - what is it about? - “It’s about fishing”), they cannot do derivational analysis, they try to explain complex experiences on their fingers. Because the language is perceived in communication and from books. And not during lessons and sports.

What the kids say

“No one listens to me. I want to go home from school with friends, not with a nanny (chauffeur, escort). I don't have time to watch TV, I don't have time to play on my computer.

I have never been to the cinema with my friends, only with my parents and their acquaintances. I am not allowed to visit the guys, and no one is allowed to visit me. Mom checks my briefcase, pockets, phone. If I'm late at school even for five minutes, my mother immediately calls.

This is not a first grade text. This is 9th grade students talking.

Look, complaints can be divided into two categories: violation of boundaries (“checks the briefcase, does not allow me to wear what I want”) and, relatively speaking, personal abuse (“nothing is allowed”). It seems that parents did not notice that their children have already grown out of diapers.

It is possible, although harmful, to check the pockets of a first-grader - if only in order not to wash these pants with chewing gum. But by the age of 14 it would be nice to enter the room with a knock. Not with a formal knock - he knocked and entered, not waiting for an answer, but respecting his right to privacy.

Criticism of hairstyles, a reminder "Go wash, otherwise you smell bad", the requirement to wear warm jacket- all this signals to the teenager: "You are still small, you do not have the right to vote, we will decide everything for you." Although we just wanted to protect him from a cold. And it really smells bad.

I can’t believe that there are still such parents who have not heard: for a teenager, the most important part of life is communication with peers. But this means that the child is out of parental control, parents cease to be the ultimate truth.

The creative energy of the child is blocked in this way. After all, if he is forbidden to want what he really needs, he refuses to desire in general. Think how scary it is not to want anything. What for? All the same, they won’t allow it, they will ban it, they will explain that it is harmful and dangerous, “go do your homework better.”

Our world is far from ideal, it is indeed unsafe, there is evil and chaos in it. But somehow we live in it. We allow ourselves to love (although this is a gamble with an unpredictable plot), we change jobs and housing, we experience crises inside and out. Why don't you let your children live?

I have a suspicion that in those families where such problems arise with children, parents do not feel safe. Their life is too stressful, the level of stress exceeds the adaptive capacity of the body. And so I want at least the baby to live in peace and harmony.

And the baby does not want rest. She needs storms, accomplishments and feats. Otherwise, the child lies down on the sofa, refuses everything and ceases to please the eye.

What to do

As always: discuss, make a plan, stick to it. To begin with, remember what your child asked for before, and then stopped. I am quite sure that an hour of daily “absolutely useless” walk with friends is a necessary condition for mental health teenager.

You will be surprised, but the meaningless “fun in the box” (watching music and entertainment channels) is necessary for our children too. They enter a kind of trance, a meditative state during which they learn something about themselves. Not about artists, stars and show business. About myself.

The same can be said about computer games, social networks, telephone conversations. It's terribly annoying, but you have to survive. It is possible and necessary to limit, to introduce some kind of framework and rules, but to totally prohibit the inner life of a child is criminal and short-sighted.

If he doesn’t learn this lesson now, he will cover it later: a midlife crisis, moral burnout at 35, unwillingness to take responsibility for the family, etc.

Because he didn't play. I wandered aimlessly through the streets. I didn’t watch all the stupid comedies in time, didn’t neigh at Beavis and Butt-head.

I know one boy who drove his parents to white heat by lying in his room for hours and banging a tennis ball against the wall. Quietly, not much. It wasn't the knock that annoyed them, but the fact that he didn't do anything. Now he is 30, he is quite a competent man, married, working, active. He needed to be in his shell at the age of 15.

On the other hand, as a rule, these children are catastrophically underloaded with life. All they do is study. They don’t go to the grocery store for the whole family, they don’t wash the floor, they don’t fix electrical appliances.

Therefore, I would give them more freedom inside and restrict outside. That is, you yourself decide what you will wear and what you will do besides studying, but at the same time - here is a list of household chores, get started.

By the way, the boys are excellent cooks. And they know how to iron. And they carry weights.

Features of adolescence

Teenage years- this is a time not only of growing up, but also of the first independent assessments of what is happening around a teenager. If the majority of children used to be guided by generally accepted assessments and opinions, then in adolescence everything changes beyond recognition.

First of all, a teenager wants to find out “what and how” for himself, so they become independent, rude and protected from the slightest interference of parents in their lives. But at the same time they become vulnerable and helpless in many ways. life situations, and therefore strive unconditionally to imitate those who are respected and valued.

It is this contradiction that frightens parents, because they are afraid that they will not be able to cope with the bad influence on the teenager or will not be able to save him from any trouble, which the teenager himself perceives as outside interference, pressure, humiliation and encroachment on his freedom.

The result of such behavior is conflicts, quarrels, scandals and insults, although they might not have happened if the parents tried to find mutual language with your child. And it's possible. You will learn how to do it better from this article. But remember that in order for these tips to really help you, try to listen carefully to them.

Things to remember when talking to teenagers

Many people think that during adolescence, a child deteriorates on its own and becomes stubborn, but this is not so. In fact, all the difficulties of adolescence do not appear on their own, but are the result of earlier education. By the beginning of adolescence, the child has already formed as a person. Therefore, any attempts to re-educate him are useless. This should have been done before.

If you stop educating him with prohibitions, spankings and morals (all that you used before), then you will already take the first step towards a teenager. Remember that now it is too late to educate him. So no rudeness, prohibitions and punishments. It's time to build a relationship with your child in an adult way. Parents should also pay attention to the contradictions between aspirations and real life skills of a teenager.

On the one hand, a teenager strives to feel like an adult and does everything for this. But, on the other hand, he himself feels a lack of experience in some important area for himself. This is where the imitation of some idol is born, and, in the parental view, not the most worthy. But this is the area that can become the beginning of mutual understanding between a teenager and his parents, if they begin to cooperate with him.

To begin with, you need to analyze what aspirations of a teenager are hidden behind the imitation of this or that idol and in what areas of life he wants to fill in the gaps. For example, girls imitating flamboyant actresses and singers may reflect a search for their femininity or a desire for a beautiful, rich and free life. If a girl is looking for herself, then do not forbid her to paint, but teach her to dress fashionably and use cosmetics. Tell her what is attractive about her and she will be grateful to you for it.

If she wants to sing, do not interfere with her desire, but find a good pop vocal teacher who will help her appreciate and develop her abilities.

And remember that many joys of life, such as the first kiss under the moonlight, declarations of love written on asphalt with paint, poems and notes can only be in youth! Therefore, do not deprive your child of these pleasures, which happen only once in a lifetime.

Do not disturb the child with endless calls, checking the diary and endless questions. The more you interfere, the stronger the teenager will have a desire to go against you. But it's also not worth it not to take any part. It is important to show your teenager that you appreciate, love and respect him. And the most main secret: he must understand that you wish him only the best in his personal life. And then the teenager will rather listen to your advice and words.

(from birth to 5 years) has arrived, and now we are approaching the "friend" stage. How to behave with a teenager in order to maintain a relationship, says psychologist Satya Das.

The last stage of growing up is called "friend". From about the age of fourteen, the child's parents should understand that he has already grown up. Everything that you could put into it and explain, you have already explained and put into it. If you haven't invested, it's too late to invest, nothing will change.

And in fact, this is the most difficult stage. If we can still somehow imagine and make a child a "king" or "student", then we do not perceive him at all as a friend. How can a friend be a friend who peed in diapers, threw a cat out the window at four years old and did a lot of such stupid things?

What does child friend mean? Is he really supposed to be your friend? It is unlikely that this will work. But at the same time, you are obliged to speak with the child in those words and with the same intonation, as when communicating with your real adult friend.

Imagine that you have arrived somewhere with a friend and live in the same hotel room. And so he did not make the bed in the morning, and this annoys you.

How will you tell him about it? You will try to make it softer so that he does not take offense in response and sends you to hell. And you will order your child to remove this bed, without thinking how he will perceive it. But this commanding tone will offend him just as it would offend your friend.

Suppose your child is not a "king" until the age of five, from five to fourteen he is a slave, not a "student", and after fourteen he has not become a friend either. What will happen then? He will run away from you. Do you know what this approach is called? Sneer, emotional aggression against the child.

Until the age of five, a child who is treated this way cries. From five to fourteen years old, he will be offended, silent and closed. From fourteen, he will begin to snap, and you will consider that he has begun.

Transitional age is a myth

But in fact, adolescence is a myth, it does not exist. It is clear that adolescents have more hormones, but when children become uncontrollable, it means that adults sneered and crushed, and children finally learned to resist, snap and defend themselves.

If a child was subjected to emotional aggression before the age of fourteen, then at fourteen there is not a “hormonal explosion”, but simply the child will grow up to the age when he has gained strength to begin to resist aggression. If these are physically strong boys, then at this stage they may well respond to their father, who puts pressure on them, simply physically. And parents attribute this to a hormonal explosion and transitional age.

The best thing you can do with a child over fourteen if you have problems with him is to leave him alone.

You call it a transitional period because it didn't exist before, but now it has suddenly appeared. You hope that the transition period will end with age, but in fact, the problems will not go anywhere and will move to a new level. And I urge not to put pressure on children, but to educate yourself.

When the child learns to snap, then his next step will be an attempt to escape from you. Do not be surprised if your sixteen-year-old son wants to go to study somewhere in the wilderness for some completely exotic specialty, or at fifteen to go to some terrible vocational school on the other side of the country. And you think: "Yes, I myself came from Nizhny Tagil to St. Petersburg, and he wants to leave here, God knows where, why is he doing this, why?"

But in fact, he does all this because he dreams of only one thing - to get away from you, because you are the aggressor in his life. He needs to go somewhere to be away from the crazy parents who are already fed up, and that's why he goes somewhere far away.

A girl has many more opportunities to escape than a boy. She can leave to study, or she can get married. If your daughter, at sixteen, went off with some suspicious guy on a motorcycle, and they got married, then it means that you bullied the poor girl. Perhaps when she is thirty-six and you are fifty-eight, you will restore the relationship. But it is not certain that this will happen.

If you don't do the right thing at every step, problems inevitably arise. Think back to how you felt as a teenager when your parents didn't treat you like a friend. Don't repeat their mistakes.

At fourteen, a child should become a friend, and nothing else. I had one student - a very colorful personality. When he first came to my classes, I asked:

What happened?

He says:

Yes, you know, I have a problem with children.

What's the problem?

They don't listen to me at all. I tell them, but they don't listen. We've been on the fence for a long time. I turn to them, and they answer - get out of here, leave us alone.

I ask, how old are the children? I think ten and twelve.

And he answers:

Twenty five and twenty seven.

Listen, my friend, doesn't it seem to you that you are about twelve or thirteen years late with moralizing?

How late? But I'm their father.

Everyone, from the age of fourteen they should be your friends.

But we are already friends with them.

Look, we are friends. If I start teaching you, telling you what you should wear, what you should eat, how you should think, to whom to pray, and the like, what will you do?

I will send you!

This is how they sent you.

But they are my children!

No, you decide whether you are a friend or not a friend.

And he worried for so long, then the man was released. He began to come to classes joyful, because it turned out that his children were not as bad as he thought. He just started making friends with them. Just like being friends with older men. According to the principle: if you want to know how things are, find out, if you can help with something - help, they don’t ask you - shut up. And it turned out that his children are adults, with their own interests, quite normal, and they don’t send him anywhere else.

When your child turns fourteen, be his friend. If he is five years old, see to it that he becomes a proper "disciple". And if he was just born, do not forget that he is a "king".

I am sometimes asked how these phases of parenting go from one to the next. Will the child be shocked that instead of a "king" he suddenly became a "student".

Don't worry. This transition does not happen in two seconds - it turned five years old - and bam, immediately transferred to the "disciples". The transitional period is brewing gradually. With my child, we began to become friends about a year before he turned fourteen. And I slowly prepared myself for this.

The problem is not the child, the problem is the parents. They shouldn't miss this. right moment and don't get stuck. You must tell yourself - everything, my child is my friend. I don't check my friends' diaries. I can’t lecture him and say something like that, because everything had to be said before the age of fourteen.