Many parents are truly afraid of one thing - the teenage period of their children. Particularly girls. After all, they do not know how to communicate with a teenage daughter. And how to be friends with her.

The conflict of fathers and children is almost one of the most ancient in the history of mankind. Each new generation, making evolutionary and technological leaps forward, invariably marks time when it comes to the relationship between parents and a child.

What's this? A failure in our genetics or simply insurmountable contradictions that we just have to come to terms with? Be that as it may, we all step on the same rake, only over the years realizing how many mistakes could have been avoided.

But is it possible to explain this to children? Especially teenagers. Especially teenage girls with whom to find mutual language almost impossible (everything is easier with sons). Everyone thinks that her problems are nothing compared to the problems of her parents - and that they, adults, generally understand. And the latter, in turn, are unwilling and unable to understand why the gap between generations becomes almost insurmountable.

Of course, most articles from the Internet will advise you to visit a psychologist, but you try to hint at this at least once in front of an insecure girl, as a volcanic reaction will not keep you waiting. In fact, you can find a common language with your daughter, you just need to want to do it for real, and not like a parent.

So how do you mend your relationship with your teenage daughter?

Don't try to talk to her in her own language

In an independent search for an answer to a tormenting family question, many parents come to the conclusion that in order to understand each other, you need to become “one of them”. Speak the language of slang, use fashionable terms and try to wedge yourself into the “party”. However, this is wrong.

Such behavior will only push the girl away even more, because she will simply become ashamed in Spanish (this is when you will speak, and she will be ashamed). Children are well aware that there is a certain distance between them and their parents, filled with different cultural values. Therefore, when adults try to swim across the English Channel, it looks hopeless and stupid. This only perpetuates the idea in the mind of the child that her parents do not understand anything and do not want to understand, since in this way they are trying to mock her.

Tell your story

In the minds of most children, their parents immediately appear as adults, strict and prim bores, to whom only grades are important and such a thing as first love is alien. No matter how hard you try to find a common language with your teenage daughter, if she perceives you as a cold iceberg on which the Titanic crashed, all attempts will be in vain.

Tell her your story. How did you fall in love for the first time? How did you suffer the first time? How did you get your heart broken? Of course, you can’t delve into “dirty” details and share intimate details of your personal life with her (it’s absolutely impossible to destroy the image of a parent), but it’s important and necessary to show that you are also a person. Your teenage daughter should see in you the same sensitive, suffering and not devoid of feelings soul that once went through something similar. It should not be a conversation in the spirit of “but in our time” or “what do you understand in life” - it should be a conversation “once my heart was broken too.”

let her see you young

Many parents tell their children very little about their youth. Because of this, adolescents have no idea of ​​what happened before they were born. They don't know you as a teenager, they don't know who you were. But if they knew this, perhaps your daughter and you as a teenager could become friends.

Tell her what stories you got into. How to cut the only and precious jeans at the knees, because it was ultra-fashionable. How they listened to music in a hostel and sang songs. Like smoking for the first time. Like getting drunk for the first time. How your parents tried to get along with their teenage daughter and you said they didn't understand. After all, all this was, why deny it. But adults hide it, afraid to set a bad example - and then others set it. In any case, your daughter will be hooligans, break the rules and hack somewhere, but it’s better to let her tell you this than you will find out at 2 in the morning from the district police officer.

Never humiliate

Parents can be strict, tough and domineering, but they should never be cruel. Yes, teenagers are a difficult people with whom it is not always possible to build relationships, but they always remain. your whatever they do.

You should never switch to rudeness and humiliation, mockery and ridicule, because this will completely destroy trust and the desire to become closer. Your daughter is already having a hard time at school, most likely she is not confident in herself, is embarrassed by her body, does not know how to control her scarlet cheeks at the sight of a boy she likes, constantly talks nonsense and sobs at night from unrequited love. She definitely doesn't need another dose of misunderstanding and cruelty. She does not need your condescending smiles and mockery of her feelings, she does not even need understanding. It is enough for her to simply respect her space, her emotions and her words. Simple human respect.

If she sees him, she will look at her parents in a completely different way. She recognizes you from the other side. Recognizes you young, sensitive, somewhere the same children. She may not tell you everything, she may not immediately run to you for any advice, but she will understand that you are not from another planet - and she will get to know you better. And then, and only then, will she be able to make friends with you.

In order for the responsibilities of a teenager in the family not to become a source of many conflicts, the following rules must be followed:

• Agree with the child that he will be fully responsible for the cleanliness and order in his own room. He himself monitors the cleanliness, he decides when and how to do the cleaning, he carries it out. When negotiating with a teenager, do not forget to set the boundaries of these “when” and “how”.
• Try to clean up together (everyone cleans up “his” territory).
• Try not to order, friendly interaction is much more effective.
• Feel free to ask for help. Let him feel that he is helping you, as an adult to an adult.
• When necessary, gently but firmly remind the child of his responsibilities. Sometimes a teenager simply forgets about promises.
• Create a friendly atmosphere. Let the child know that, for example, cooking together will be complemented by friendly conversations.

By adolescence, the child shows such a tendency to maintain purity, which has been laid in him since childhood, so it will not work to change the situation dramatically. This requires patience and understanding. If you try to negotiate with the child, then gradually he will meet you halfway.

How to prevent smoking?

At this age, children often begin to get acquainted with vices. adulthood: cigarettes, alcohol, drugs. To help your child develop a negative attitude towards addictions, you need to:

Before you do something with a difficult teenager, pay attention to your (and your spouse's) attitude towards him, to the psychological environment in which the child grows up. Difficult teenagers are often unloved children. None of the parents is immune from this scourge, even those who endlessly love their rebellious offspring.

It is difficult to be happy and develop correctly when you feel like you are not needed, when there are quarrels and discord between parents at home, when there are problems with peers or teachers at school. Unloved children do not have favorable soil for growth and development.

So those around (and, first of all, parents) create a difficult teenager with their own hands. The child not only suffers from a wrong attitude towards him, but also turns out to be guilty of all sins (other people usually blame him for the “difficulties” and “wrongness”).

To correct the current situation, parents, first of all, need to understand the essence of the phenomenon with the speaking name "", then it will be clear what needs to be changed in relations with the child, as well as in the environment that surrounds him. Starting to work on the mistakes, do not count on a quick result. You will have to win over the trust lost by a teenager, heal him with your love.

Even if only internal family problems are eliminated and the child is provided with love, understanding, respect and worthy advice, the situation in the family will slowly but steadily improve. But you need to act on all fronts where the child has so far fought alone (help him establish relationships with others, put things in order in his studies, etc.).

Getting a teenager on the right track requires a certain combination of actions:

• Good example of parents.
• At the same time, both a good attitude and strict discipline on the part of the father.
• Patience and love of a mother.

To be fair, it should be said that difficult teenager it may also be due to other circumstances: heredity, illness, etc. In this case, parents should also not despair, they should try to correct the situation as much as possible.

How to improve relationships?

You need to let the child feel that he is loved without any conditions. Neither assessments, nor the opinions of others - nothing can reduce parental love.

A parent must convince a teenager of a simple truth: mom and dad are the most devoted friends and protectors of their child. They will fight to the last, they will defend their offspring even in situations where he is wrong. Therefore, with any trouble, with any problem, a teenager, first of all, should go to his parents. Let them scold for misconduct, but do everything possible and impossible to get their child out of the swamp of trouble.

It is necessary to strive to create trusting relationships between parents and teenagers. It is necessary to communicate not only on important topics, which, moreover, are often unpleasant for both parties. It is necessary to communicate as often as possible on a friendly wave, to strive to ensure that spending time together brings pleasure to all family members (going to the cinema, going on an excursion, etc.).

You need to be friends with the child, show interest in his hobbies, discuss some events together (for example, the plot of a new film), and sometimes talk heart to heart. Thanks to friendly communication, a teenager will value your opinion and listen to your advice (as opposed to orders, which are often perceived very negatively by teenagers).

How do you get along with your teenage daughter?

Relations with a teenage daughter need to be established, first of all, by the mother. The ideal mother is a mother-friend. People turn to her for advice, seek support from her, trust her with secrets and make important decisions together with her.

The task of a loving mother is to prepare her daughter as best as possible for an independent life. You need to teach a teenager about housekeeping, because in adult life, clumsy girls face a lot of problems. Noticing the lack of useful skills, people around usually do not skimp on sharp remarks, they readily label a young woman as a slut or a bad housewife, which hurts her pride. The inexperience of the hostess, as well as her unwillingness to perform primordially female duties, often cause conflicts in a young family.

Mom's task is to correctly orient her daughter, explain to her how life works, and teach the girl everything necessary. The father must provide his daughter with a sense of security, must approve and encourage the acquisition of useful skills, serve as an example by which the girl will be guided in choosing a life partner. Parents, using the example of their family, should show the girl the correct model of relationships in the “cell of society”.

How do you get along with your teenage son?

First of all, the relationship with a teenager son should be established by the father, since masculine qualities in young man only a man can develop. The father should try to establish a calm, trusting relationship with his son, tell him how the world of men works, how to behave in order to be respected by others, and offer help in case of any problems.

The father must teach the boy how to do men's housework. If the family has a car or a motorcycle, it is worth preparing a teenager for passing exams for rights, as well as teaching how to repair vehicles. For many young people, the prospect of driving a car or a motorcycle is very tempting, so you should not miss this opportunity to make friends with your son and gain authority from him.

The father, by his example, shows his son what a man should be, what a man should be. men's life. If the head of the family has bad habits, then there is nothing surprising in the fact that sooner or later the son will copy the behavior of his father.

Mom is still very important role- love, care and protect your grown child. Mom is the standard of female behavior. Many young people in the future, when choosing a life partner, will take the behavior of their mother as a model.

Love and care can work miracles, they can save any family, correct the most complicated relationship. Do not give up in a difficult situation, look for a way out both on your own and with the help of specialists (psychologist, psychotherapist, etc.). Dare, and you will succeed!

We also recommend that parents of teenagers read the article. The article is interesting, among other things, it contains a detailed example of a quick and painless weaning of a child from a bad habit (scattering dirty socks around the room). The same way can be done in other cases. Moms will also benefit from these tips.

If you need a consultation with a psychologist or psychotherapist, then you are here.

Comments

Nina (paid consultation):

These are all the right words, only in life everything is much more complicated. How can a teenager survive at the age of 16, if the father has a different family and all the father's attempts to influence the upbringing of his son are taken with hostility, and the mother does not have enough strength to raise two teenage sons!

• Hope:

  Hello. Please tell me how to behave with my 14-year-old daughter, whom you constantly talk about the order in the room, she agrees, stuffs dirty things in the corners and closets, and one fine day, when I raked these things into the middle of the room, I left home and returned an hour later. Doesn't answer questions, snarls. What to do?

• Alexandra (paid consultation):

  Please advise what to do? My daughter is 16 years old, when trying to talk to her all the time, one rudeness and negativity, how to find a common language, they have already tried everything and, for good and bad, lives in their own world and does not let anyone go there, neither dad nor mom. does not refuse, does not leave the room at all only for needs, does not have girlfriends, does not go for a walk Now she has come up with a diet does not really eat, she has already lost a lot of weight and still continues

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello Alexandra. Try to find the key to your daughter's heart. Each of us has some hobbies. Someone likes rock, someone likes fishing, someone likes embroidery. It often happens that a person is reluctant to respond to our attempts to communicate with him, but as soon as we ask him a question from the area of ​​\u200b\u200bhis hobby, things change. We are pleased to talk about our hobby, as well as our achievements in it. Just be interested sincerely, naturally, as if by the way, just like that (at least, it should seem so from the outside). It is unlikely that your daughter will appreciate your initiative if she understands that this is another attempt to find an approach to her. For example, consider this situation. For example, your daughter likes a certain performer (Dima Bilan, Yegor Creed, etc.) and his songs. As if by the way, tell your daughter something like: “Today I accidentally heard Bilan's song. It turns out he has normal songs, I liked it. Until now, this song is spinning in my head ... ". And then ask something about Bilan or about his work. Of course, you should first listen to his songs and read something about him. Once you find the key, develop communication further on the same topic. The more keys you find for your daughter, the better. Try to be useful, provide your daughter with some services that are really valuable to her. Continuing the theme with Bilan: buy her a ticket to his concert (carefully offer your daughter your company for this event, as she has no friends with whom she could go to the concert). When possible, give to your daughter various items or souvenirs on the theme of her hobby (posters with Bilan, magazines or books about Bilan or written by him, CDs with his songs (if her daughter doesn’t have them yet)). Become, if not a fan of Bilan, then a person who is regularly interested in him and his work. Then you will always have a “good reason” for contacting your daughter (for example, interesting news for her from the life of her idol). What other keys can be used? 1) Preparation for exams. Think about how you can help your daughter: hire a tutor, buy books for self-study, help pick up theoretical or practical material, etc. It is better, of course, to ask your daughter what kind of help she needs. But if you know in advance that you will run into a refusal, you can simply buy and give her books. And do not require her to use them. After all, it was just your gift. Of course, if you are going to hire a tutor, then this must be agreed with your child. 2) Admission. Talk to your daughter carefully about this topic. Find out who she would like to become, where she would like to go. Treat her desires with respect, and not as something stupid, immature, naive. Otherwise, you can easily push it away from you. Having chosen a profession, start selecting those educational institutions where you will send documents. Consult with your daughter, discuss possible options. Here are some topics for conversation that will be of interest to your daughter. You may have to attend courses or a tutor for successful admission. In general, do everything to make your child's admission successful. This will be your overall victory. 3) Diet. Your daughter is concerned about her appearance and tries to improve it. You can invite her to act like adults do. For example, visit a nutritionist to develop a diet for her, tell her how to lose weight and how not. Or give a subscription to the gym, or to fitness (first find out if she needs it). Think about how else you can help her hobby. And make your dreams come true. These are the keys that came to my mind "offhand". Think of the rest yourself, based on those things that are interesting to your daughter. Your girl is already big, so try to communicate with her on an equal footing, like an adult with an adult, with respect and friendliness. Teenagers don't like being treated like children. You need to try to establish FRIENDLY communication with your daughter. And for this, you need to talk with the child on topics that are interesting to him, so that he would be interested in communicating with you. A more advanced level of communication is heart-to-heart talk. But for this it is necessary that the child began to trust you, could entrust his secrets. We must strive for this. Friendly communication with the child solves the problem of disobedience, "doing nothing." After all, a friend (even if it is a parent) does not want to offend; like it or not, but the request of a friend must be fulfilled, otherwise you risk ruining the relationship. Don't give up if it doesn't work at first. Act as if you were taming a wild beast: perhaps it will be long and difficult, perhaps it will let you in a little bit. Do not be angry with your daughter for your unsuccessful attempts: after all, you are trying to “tame” her, and she initially did not seek to communicate with you. Good luck finding your keys!

Olesya (paid consultation):

Hello! Please advise how to find a common language with a teenager of 17 years old (husband's son, lives with us for a year, studies). Relations are good both with us and with his mother (she lives in another city). not interested, except for computer games, he won’t pull him out into the street. He will unlearn. he will come home and lie in bed all day.

• Olesya:

  Thank you very much for the advice. It made me think. Indeed, they "pressed" on the child, and did not agree and did not offer anything in return for the same computer. A new family member was just added and we are all trying to adapt to each other, find common ground, common interests. It is useful to listen to advice from the outside. Thanks again.

• Natalia :

  Hello, tell me how to behave with my daughter 11 years old. We can’t talk normally, we often break into a scream. If you ask for something to do, it will go right away, but more often when you start to swear, because you don’t hear it either the first or the second time. We quarrel, we talk, we cry, we make peace - it doesn’t last long.

• Natalia (paid consultation):

  Please advise how to persuade a child to study
  My son is 17 years old, after school he went to study, but in the middle of the school year he dropped out, no persuasion helps.

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello, Natalia. First you need to find out the reason for the refusal to study. Teenagers often do not dedicate their parents to their difficulties. Therefore, adults often think that the problem arose out of the blue. Actually it is not. Teenagers, faced with a problem, often do not see the ways to solve it that adults would see. The fact that your son dropped out in the middle of his first year makes me think about possible reason. Sessions are held in the middle of the year in many educational institutions. The approach of the first session in life frightens many first-year students. Some teenagers are so unsure of their abilities and are afraid of “filling up” the session that they drop out of school even before the exams. By the way, the same thing can happen before school exams (OGE and USE). Apparently, the children reason like this: it’s better to leave on your own than to disgrace yourself (fail to pass exams, therefore, leave school without a certificate, be expelled from a university, secondary school, etc.). It is also possible that your son did not have time to submit all the necessary papers (controls, abstracts, etc.) on time. All these problems may seem insoluble to a teenager. No one to consult. You can’t tell your parents: they will swear (I didn’t prepare, I didn’t pass on time, but I should have). Therefore, the teenager, seeing no other way out, solves the problem radically: he drops out of school. In fact, he would really need support in such a difficult situation for him. For example, a mother who once went through all these trials can calm her son down and explain that all students (even well-prepared ones) are afraid of the sessions, she can tell you how best to prepare for the sessions, what to do if you didn’t pass some exam (and this happens often among the student fraternity). You can hire tutors for especially difficult subjects. You can, in the end, HELP the teenager do the required work or pick up necessary material(for example, a theory for each exam question). Which teenager do you think will do better: the one who struggles to complete a difficult problem alone, or the one who is helped and supported? Of course, fear of exams is not the only reason teens drop out of school. Perhaps the relationship with classmates did not work out; there is a conflict with the teacher; the teenager realized that he made a mistake in choosing a specialty (too difficult or uninteresting), etc. Therefore, I advise you not to force your son, but to find out the reason for refusing to study and OFFER him not only WAYS TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM, but ALSO YOUR HELP. If a teenager is afraid of the session, help him pass the exams. If there is a conflict with classmates or teachers, analyze the situation and, together with your child, decide what is best to do: build relationships here or change the place of study. If a teenager does not like a specialty, change it to one that he likes. In general, if you want to succeed, offer your teenager as much as possible. various options problem solving. It is possible that one of these options will appeal to him. Be flexible, look for a compromise. For example, a child is ready to study, but only in a different specialty, and because of this, he will lose one academic year. No matter how unpleasant the latter is for you, it is still your victory (you have achieved your goal, the child is ready to study further). Good luck to you!

• Larisa:

  Hello. If I have no desire to improve relations with the father of a teenager, because everyone has their own reasons for discord. The child still sees where parents love each other, where they simply pretend. Your advice is superficial. I think mothers just need to respect themselves, not to offend. to be above petty squabbles and then the teenager will understand who the parents are and what they are. The father smokes a lot, grumbles, does not speak kind words and does not teach anything, drinks vodka in the evenings, although he is not an alcoholic, how can my mother protect him? Your advice is superficial, unfortunately. I just try to be friends with my son, respect his opinion.

• Larisa:

  All these "sovdepovskie" postulates have long outlived themselves and it's time for you, the psychologists, to bring at least some kind of fresh stream in the discussion of such an interesting topic as the education of adolescents. Why not instill in the child a sense of freedom of choice, confidence that if there is no love, then you should say goodbye to your partner with dignity, and not blame him, blaming him for all your troubles, take responsibility and cultivate courage in making decisions. So but to teach your child not to be afraid of change and to understand that no one owes anything to anyone, what you sow, you will reap! In general, it is not interesting to read you. Sorry.

• Galina (paid consultation):

  Hello! I'm wondering, how can a grandmother find an approach to a teenager? My granddaughter is 14 years, with parents often conflicts (one child in the family). One of these days they will bring her to live with us for the summer, so I thought. Of course I will cherish my granddaughter, as if within reason.

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello Galina. You can focus on the advice that is offered to parents. Take every piece of advice as an idea. And then decide for yourself how best to use it in the existing circumstances, and in general, whether you will use it or not. It is, of course, much easier for grandparents to be "good" to their grandchildren than it is for parents. After all, a large proportion of conflicts between adolescents and adults arise due to the failure of children to fulfill some school duties (did not sit down for lessons on time, received bad grade, not preparing for exams, etc.). Luckily, the school is on vacation in the summer. One less topic of contention. Of course, teenagers have different personalities. Some people are easy to get along with, some are difficult. But do not forget that the character of the child is not only natural inclinations, but also the result of upbringing by parents. Disadvantages in the character of the child are very often a “flaw” of the parents (what they taught, they do; what they didn’t teach, they don’t do). Therefore, by the way, I want to say again that difficult child- is a victim of some parental mistakes in his upbringing. And to blame a difficult child for his difficulties (as is customary in our society) is unfair and cruel, because he had no choice (to become “good” or “difficult”). I would like to point out that, in reference to difficult child, I don’t mean your granddaughter, but I’m talking about children in general (just as an example). Often, grandmothers do not want to actively participate in the process of raising their grandchildren. After all, conflicts with the younger generation are often associated with it, which grandmothers seek to avoid. They simply turn a blind eye to the shortcomings of children, without trying to correct them, they do not make special demands on children. Therefore, grandchildren, being visiting such grandmothers, live like in paradise. You don’t need to go to school, you don’t need to do homework, sleep as much as you like, you can go to bed late, they don’t really bother with household chores, they don’t read lectures. Personally, I really like this “policy” of grandmothers. In the end, they have already raised their children (and this is hard work), now let the children take care of raising their grandchildren. Already adult grandchildren of such grandmothers at the mention of the words "carefree childhood" with warmth and tenderness remember exactly their grandparents, their house, the time spent there in childhood. These memories warm a person all his life, help him adequately endure life's difficulties. The choice is yours: which “policy” in dealing with your grandchildren you like best, choose that one. If you manage to fix a good relationship with a teenager, then he will listen to your words, your opinion will have weight for him, your requests will not go unanswered. In this case, you may even be able to put something into the heads and souls of your grandchildren or teach them something. One of the problems that grandmothers face is the unwillingness of their grandchildren to help with the housework. Here are some tips on this subject. No one (including children and teenagers) likes to be forced to poke his nose into his own mistakes. No one likes communication like "boss - subordinate" (when one ordered, the other did). But many children will willingly respond to a request for help if a grandmother asks for help, who, due to her age, has a backache. If the child takes pity on you, he will be much more willing to respond to your request. A request for help is much more effective than an order or instruction to carry out some assignment. Because in the first case, you kind of cooperate with the child, and in the second case, you force him. So do not "order", but ask for help. Of course, it is not necessary to refer to diseases every time. But the fact that the grandmother is already old and without the help of her grandchildren will not be easy for her, children and teenagers should know. You can talk to them about this once at the very beginning of the holidays: 1) explain “in a human way” why you need help with the housework and 2) What are the dangers of excessive physical activity?(legs, back, head, etc. will hurt). 3) Then ask your child for help with household chores(meaning not a one-time act of assistance, but assistance throughout the entire time that the child will be visiting you). 4) Try to get his voluntary, and not forced, consent to such assistance. Pay attention to the following. During the conversation, refer to specific pain (pain in the back, legs, etc.), and not to diagnoses (“hypertension will play out”, “pressure will increase”, etc.). The child understands the specific pain, but the diagnoses are not (it is not clear what hurts and whether it hurts at all). When negotiating with your child for help, give examples of the assignments that you will ask him to complete (go to the store, sweep the floor, etc.). It is difficult even for an adult to make a promise to help if he does not know what kind of help, how often and in what volumes he will need. If there are any other difficulties associated with a teenager, then you can act according to the same principle: “humanly” talk with a teenager, explain your point of view (try to convince him of the fairness of your requests) and agree amicably on the result you need. Good luck to you!

Galina:

Thank you! I hope I can do it. I'm only 55, so we'll hang out with my granddaughter!!! I completely agree with you, difficult teenagers are not born, they become with the wrong approach to the child (I can’t convince my daughter of this). Thank you again.

• Irina :

  Hello, I read the correspondence of my daughter of 13 years old in contact in secret from her (on her guard due to death groups, and in general it was interesting), as it turned out, she has been corresponding with a young man of 30 years old from Novosibirsk (2700 km from us) since November 2016, as I understand it , met somewhere in groups dedicated to games. The daughter confesses her love to him, gathering her thoughts for a long time, everyday dialogue consists of how are you? how was the day? Good night or he writes “depr” to me - I’ll go out the window !!! I’m terribly scared, I’m thinking what to do right, at first I wanted to write to him directly, but I think that he will tell her, and this is a discord with my daughter, and suddenly I’m worried for a reason! !!

• Irina (paid consultation):

  I am raising my daughter alone. I started smoking, comes home late, talks (fuck off, leave me alone,) I start scolding her, she says I will leave home. What should I do? How to behave? Can push. Tell me how to improve relations?

• Svetlana (sample of paid consultation):

  Hello Elena. Please help with advice. I am the aunt of a 14 year old teenager ( younger sister his mother). We lived in different cities, but when my sister was born, she lived with us for the first time and I nursed him. I love him very much, always spoiled him. I tried to build friendly relations, and he calls me by name on you. 4 months ago, my sister's husband died, leaving the business. A sister until five at her main job after that goes to her husband's office and stays there until nightfall. She asked me to move in with her to help with the children and life. She also has a 9 year old son. My 8 year old daughter and I moved in with them. I got a job, my daughter went to the same class with her youngest son (she went to school a year earlier) And then he was replaced. He became aggressive. He offends kids, calls him names, makes him do everything, but he does nothing. In response to my remarks, he told me that I was nobody to him, that he was the heir and would kick us out of their house if he wanted to. I told my sister about this, but it was a very gentle conversation. The situation has not changed. The sister does not notice anything, does not want to listen to anything and, of course, protects him in everything. And he, feeling his mother's support, behaves more and more obscenely. I try to explain to him that I am here at the request of his mother to take care of them and help them for the first time. It seems to be silent. But after a couple of days, it's rude again. How to be I do not know. I can't leave her alone at this moment. And I love him very much. I don’t know what approach to find, I don’t want anything, I don’t like it, I don’t like it. I tried not to pay attention at all. So he generally began to treat him like a house worker, who cooked and whether I ironed his clothes. I'm desperate.

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello Svetlana. Since your nephew has just experienced a tragedy, you need to proceed carefully so as not to provoke even more problems. 1) Do not engage in "exchange of pleasantries" on emotions (do not return rudeness with rudeness). Stop each episode of rudeness calmly, but decisively. In response to rudeness and rudeness, it is better to calmly and confidently note that it is not permissible to talk to parents and other adults in such a tone, and invite the teenager to be alone for a while to calm down. When the emotions of all participants in the conflict subside, it is necessary to discuss what exactly led to the conflict, what feelings the parents (or other family member) had at the same time, what the teenager felt at the same time, how to resolve the misunderstanding that arose. This should ideally be the case, but it doesn't always work out in practice. Need to try.

    Elena Lostkova:

    2) Try to avoid conflict situations. Analyze what situations provoke conflict. For example, you have prepared a meal and invite your teenager to dinner. And he still doesn't go. You come back and start making claims to him: “How long can I wait?”. And in response, he throws you some kind of barb. How can you do it differently here? Perhaps we should stop at the first invitation (they came, politely invited, and that's it). And the rest (will come, will not come) does not concern you. Perhaps you should take this position: I help my sister with the housework and care for younger children, and the issues of raising a teenager are her task. He did not come to dinner, did not sit down for lessons, etc. - let the sister herself conduct educational conversations with her son. You can argue this by saying that he still does not obey you, and when you start to insist, this leads to a conflict. Your job is to remind the teenager once about the fulfillment of the next duty (for example, “5 o'clock. It's time to sit down for lessons”) and no longer insist and control him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    3) If you need to make a remark to your nephew, also do it calmly and confidently. Not angry, not annoyed, not offended, but calm, neutral. No need for long lectures. They said 1-2 phrases and left. Think in advance about what phrase you will say to him. Neither in your tone nor in your words should there be aggression, "collision". Otherwise, he will definitely want to say something offensive to you in response. For example, you could say, “Stop making little ones do the dishes for you! Go my self!" (with this phrase, you kind of hinted that the nephew is bad, and his act is bad, and even ordered him to do something). It’s better to say something neutral: “Kids have their duties, you have yours. Everyone washes the dishes himself” (it turned out, as it were, not a personal appeal to a teenager, but a statement of fact). You see, in the second phrase, we avoided all three unpleasant moments for a teenager that were present in the first phrase. If, nevertheless, he is rude in response, again in a calm and confident tone (without your personal emotions), answer him: “You can’t talk with adults in this tone” (Have you noticed that this phrase is again simply stating a fact?) or “In this tone I won't talk." And leave. Most importantly, do not let him drag you into a skirmish. You did your job (did not leave the act or rudeness without attention, reacted correctly to them), and leave the bringing up of a teenager to the ideal for mom. Do not control whether he washed the dishes or not, do not force him to fulfill his duty and do not tell him anything else about this particular act (if he does not wash it next time, reprimand him again). And let him not even come and wash the dishes after him. It's okay, it's not your concern. If you still decide to wash it yourself, then do it so that your nephew does not notice it. For example, the dishes he has not washed stand alone in the sink until the evening (what if he decides to check?), And after dinner you wash them with all the rest of the dishes. Otherwise, he will decide that if not done, then someone will definitely do it for him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    4) What if a teenager asks you for help (I mean some household chores, and not something serious related to life and health)? If he asks rudely, calmly and confidently, inform him that you will not fulfill the request said in such a tone. If he asks okay, help him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    5) Children always feel well who can sit on the neck (weak), and who cannot (strong). Even at school, one teacher can be rude, but not another, as this is fraught with unpleasant consequences. Therefore, perhaps you forgave too much to your nephew, while it was necessary not to disregard any such episode of rudeness. During conflicts, do not let the teenager bring himself to emotions. Always remain calm and confident. Emotions and kindness are often perceived by children (and adults) as weakness. And calmness and self-confidence are like strength. This is how we distinguish strong people from the weak.

    Elena Lostkova:

    6) The problem of rudeness and rudeness of teenagers is faced by many parents. It's connected with age characteristics psyche. Perhaps the problem existed even before your arrival.

    Elena Lostkova:

    7) Pay attention to the manner of communication of your sister (in relation to you). It happens that children copy the behavior of their parents. For example, a child treats his mother in the same way as his father treats her. And vice versa, he communicates with his father the way his mother communicates with him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    8) It is possible that by your arrival you have constrained the teenager. Many people look forward to the departure of guests, despite the fact that these guests are loved and useful to them. Try to understand what kind of inconvenience the teenager is experiencing and try to remove those that are possible. Maybe younger kids are picking him up? If the teen doesn't like it, don't let them do it. Maybe he wants to be alone in the room? Give him such an opportunity, at least temporarily, by engaging the younger children with some activity in another room.

    Elena Lostkova:

    9) Try to evaluate objectively how you communicate with a teenager. What phrases do you say to him, in what tone. Think back to yourself as a teenager and try to imagine whether you would like this treatment or not. Don't treat him like to a small child? Are you trying to control his actions (did you eat, did your homework, etc.). Adolescents often have conflicts with parents and other family members on this basis. Teenagers begin to rebel, because they do not agree that they are still considered small and in control of everything. Try to give him more freedom and less control. Maybe, he rebels because you took on the role of a parent(which in itself implies frequent encounters with conflict situations). Maybe you should give it up? And then part of the conflict situations will simply disappear.

    Elena Lostkova:

    Elena Lostkova:

    11) It's good if you manage to establish such trusting communication. During it, you may be able to find out real reasons why he treats you so disrespectfully. Maybe, knowing them, you will be able to establish a relationship with him. But mom must try to establish such a trusting relationship. The teenager recently experienced a tragedy. Plus there is a hormonal change in the body. Plus, his life has changed a lot (dad is no more, mom is almost never at home, an aunt arrived with a small child). In fact, the boy lost both parents. Mom comes very late, all tired, all her attention goes to other family members (aunt, younger brother etc.). Mom pays attention to him only when he has done something, but such conversations are hardly pleasant for both of them. The teenager was left alone, alone with his pain. There is no one to talk heart to heart with, all experiences boil inside, which is very bad for any person. So he just wants to be left alone, since they can’t give him what he needs. Mom urgently needs to shift the focus from work to children. I understand that this is very difficult, but it must be done. Otherwise, she only increases the burden of tragedy that has fallen on the shoulders of her children. It is necessary that the mother spends more time with the children, and spend it pleasantly for the children: talking with them, playing, reading, going to the cinema, etc. Be sure to express your love with the help of touch (kiss, hug, etc.) .), but only if the children do not take it negatively. From time to time you need to talk heart to heart with children. This kind of trusting communication is the pinnacle of parenting. During such conversations, parents can convey to their children something that did not work out before. Because at such moments children not only listen, but also hear their parents. It is a sin not to use them for educational purposes. You just need to get the conversation right. Forget about notations. It's just that both sides should share their experiences, fears; somewhere you need to sympathize, pity the child; if there are comments on his behavior, then you need to make them very carefully so as not to offend him, and you also need to explain why this is wrong from the point of view of the parent, what it can lead to, and report that the parent is very worried about because he is afraid that the child will get into trouble. And all this should be done sincerely, not feigned, and not a burden on both sides. Trusting communication is also a psychological help of parents to their children. Good luck to you!

Oksana (sample of paid consultation):

Hello, Elena. My son is 18 years old, he entered a university in another city, he is studying in his first year. Yesterday I found out that he missed classes, and most importantly, he lies to me that he is in the classroom, studying. And then he already gives out that he did not find the educational building. I think that these are just excuses, since he likes to play computer games. Now he is running out of money on his card, so I am tormented by doubts, will I do the right thing if I punish him with a ruble for the weekend? Or will it be worse? He calmly missed 4 pairs, and he’s lying to me, he doesn’t consider himself guilty

• Elena Lostkova:

  Hello Oksana. It would be right to talk to your son frankly, but humanly, in a good way. In general, if possible, talk heart to heart with him. Find out why he misses classes, tell him about the consequences of such absenteeism and about your feelings about this, about your worries that your son may have problems because he does certain things wrong. Try to talk in such a way that your son understands that you are not worried about the study itself, but for himself, for his well-being, for his happiness. Tell him that the first session is very important. That not everyone passes the test in the first session, because they catch on too late and do not have time to prepare. As a result, they are either expelled, or they drop out of school before the session itself (they are afraid of exams and are sure that they will not pass them). To prevent this from happening, you need to start studying right away, literally from the first days. Of course, you know your son better, but still, silently admit the thought that he did not skip or skip for a good reason. We can't tell our parents everything. Perhaps there is a reason, but he does not want to talk about it. Maybe he didn’t get along with peers or with a teacher, or something else. Tell your son that if he has any problems, let him turn to you, you will try to help him. During the conversation, you can amicably agree that if the computer interferes with your studies, you will have to pick it up. If a computer is needed for study, he will have to go to the library of the university and study there. Do not take any measures that are unpleasant for your son (take away the computer, deprive him of money, etc.) without prior warning. After all, your goal is to correct your son’s behavior (and not to take things away), so give him the opportunity to take action, to correct himself. Warn not aggressively, but calmly, kindly, like you would not want to do this, but it may turn out that you have to. Choose your words and tone well. For example, you can say this: “You won’t get another computer” (this is a bad option). Or you can do this: “If the computer interferes with your studies, I will have to take it away. I don't want you to get in trouble because of him." Now it is very important how exactly you will communicate with your son: in a good way or in a bad way. When a child is around, he can still be forced to learn. And when he is far away, how can this be done? No way. Only with the help of confidential communication, when you HEAR the child, and he HEARS you (hears, in the sense he takes your words into account, listens to them, and does not pass by his ears, brains and souls). Remember how you communicate heart to heart with best friend. The conversation is pleasant for both of you, without tension. You both hear and understand each other's feelings and experiences. Your souls at this moment are open to each other. If one other advises something or asks for something, then the other, without internal resistance, is voluntarily ready to help, fulfill the request. If such communication is possible between two people who are essentially strangers, then between the closest people (mother and child) it is even more possible. You just need to try to establish trusting communication from the earliest childhood of the child. And if this has not been done before, then try to do it at least now. Confidential communication is the most powerful educational tool (parents do not force the child, but agree with him in a good way). This communication brings parents and children closer together. I have already talked about the advantages of communicating “in a good way”. And now I’ll tell you about the disadvantages of communicating “in a bad way” (parents force a child, apply moral and physical violence to him). Such communication creates an abyss between parents and the child. Both sides do not understand each other and do not want to listen to the words and requests of the other side, conflicts often arise. For both parties, such communication is not comfortable. This is how difficult children and adolescents appear (this is the result of wrong upbringing parents). What do we do when our interactions with someone constantly upset us? With such a person, we strive to either communicate to a minimum, or not communicate at all. So it turns out that while the children are at school, they are nearby (they have no choice), and when they leave home, they forget about their parents, since communication with them was too often unpleasant (I don’t want to continue it). These are the disadvantages of communicating "in a bad way." I don’t know exactly how you communicate with your son, so I described both options in detail. How to proceed - the choice is yours. My personal opinion: try to become a FRIEND for your son (to make it work, figure out for yourself what friends do and what they don’t), combine the two roles of “mother” and “friend”. As a result, firstly, you will be able to communicate with your son more often and qualitatively at a distance. Secondly, to some extent you can influence his behavior, his actions. Good luck to you!

• Maria:

  Hello, my daughter is 16 years old. Dating a 19 year old guy. He is everything to her! She goes to bed when he calls her. They live with a guy in neighboring cities. He comes to her. She began to leave notes about her pregnancy like "I'm pregnant, don't tell anyone." I ask what is it? And she says that they are so funny in college and it doesn’t mean anything because she’s still small. Grandma calls her and asks how are you? She tells her that I feel sick all the time. Although I know that she has her period. I start asking questions why she is doing this, she screams that her grandmother invented everything. He says that he lives with us out of necessity. That if I don't like something, I can refuse it. Her friend left home and refused her mother in social security, she says that her mother yells constantly. I do not know what to do?

  Maria:

  I’ll add to the previous comment, tell me what to do in those situations when my daughter offends me and my husband. Can say anything. And at the same time she accuses us that we treat her badly. Good does not notice, only reproaches. Her father lives in another city and did not communicate with her for a long time, tired of his personal life. Her stepfather raised her as a daughter. This summer, during a conflict with her, my husband decided to stand up for me and take the phone from her, she did not give it back and had to take it by force. Before that, the daughter called her husband dad, now she doesn’t call him at all, she hasn’t talked to him since the summer. She began to go to her own father, and blame me for everything that happens. I'm so tired and I try to close my eyes to a lot, but I'm breaking down, please tell me a way out of the situation.

• Anonymous :

  Hello, tell me how to find a common language with a child of 13 years old, with a divorced husband, there is a second husband and a child from a second marriage, for a child I am a bad snap, wants to go to my dad or grandmother to live.

• Oksana:

  Hello, I don’t know what to do, hands down, help. My 16-year-old son himself went to college for a very serious specialty, his choice and dream. I studied for 3 months and it started, then I don’t want to go, now I want to take all the documents from there. We explain that you will lose a year and then what. Local vocational school-AUTOMECHANIC. They tried to dissuade him as best they could, he would not do anything, he said he would not study at all then, but would start working, we explained to him that no one now hires without education. At home, the situation is tense, the teachers spoke well of him, the son does not smoke, does not drink, but we don’t understand why this adherence to principles and persistence. Everything is fine in our family, my husband and I work, the eldest daughter is married, we all relax together. And my sister and her husband said that with such an education they would take it with their hands everywhere, they did not want to listen.

• Ekatmus:

  Hello *, I got here the anniversary (internal for staff) link
  from a friend of a bank employee, like 99% of approvals for her (given for her and relatives),
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Ekatmus:

  They say they deleted it, they asked to repeat the anniversary one from the friend of the bank employee, according to it 99% of approvals (they gave for their own and relatives),
  sys.admin on vacation you can use them)) What kind of bank I won’t say, you will see for yourself,
  bit.ly/ABankHapBtd100 - copy this text and paste it into the address of the browser, here is this promotional code
  I just issued a limit of 80 pieces without problems, at least documents, if anything, you know where to get help.
  I was not asked. In short, a friend has 2 such cards, there are 50,000 monthly and for 99 days without%, twists these lungs
  money in business, prosperous. Well, I - I'm catching up, go ahead and you are with me! In the meantime, I trade flowers,
  good luck to everyone, before communication, use it consciously when you know where the money will go and how to return it!
  Then I'll write how to get a free sim card. all the best!

Question from Dina

Hello, my name is Dina. I can't seem to get along with my daughter. She is 10 years old. Whatever I do, she says she answers with aggression, not contentment (cleaning the room, hygiene procedures), I explain to her that this is necessary, and she rolls her eyes and turns away, she just doesn’t want to hear what I tell her. This pisses me off and I yell at her. After that, she starts screaming, I won’t say, I don’t want to, she throws everything in her room, she will make a fuss, but she will finally do it. I tried not to pay attention, they say she won’t do it once, twice, but it continues, she says later, right now, etc. But when she needs something, she will do it unquestioningly. Will achieve his and on a new one. Makes promises and doesn't keep them, promises every time. All attempts to talk to her turn out to be unsuccessful. I’m talking to her seriously, it makes her laugh, she turns away and doesn’t say anything, or says I don’t know. I don’t know everything, it seems that she doesn’t want to talk and she doesn’t have her own opinion. How to be? Every time you come home from work, you tell yourself not to pay attention that you didn’t fulfill your order, don’t swear, but it doesn’t work out. I'm getting turned on, because it's day after day, but it won't do anything from what was said earlier. And then I heard from her that I don’t love her, she doesn’t need me. I was so stunned, I cried all night, I thought, but .... I asked her why she thinks so, in response you shout at me, forbid everything. I explain to her, but to no avail. I tried to show her from the outside, did a mirror, as she thought, maybe she would think about it, but ... Everything repeats. I'm tired, I want peace and quiet. Help, please, because because of this I swear not only with my daughter, but also with relatives.

Answer to the question

Hello Dina!

Relationships with children are often mirror image our relationship with the world. You correctly identified the problem: "I can not find a common language with my daughter." And the point is precisely in the difficulty of establishing a trusting contact, and not in the complexity of the character, as it might seem. In your situation, aggression breeds aggression. This behavior of your daughter is more of a protest character and is a way to attract your attention. How to behave in this situation?

1. Deal with your feelings (in particular, with dissatisfaction). Where does his legs grow from and how often does it manifest itself or be suppressed in your family. From here, the next step is to find adaptive forms for expressing one's own dissatisfaction.
2. Help your daughter voice her feelings, deal with them, be interested in her emotional state.
3. Be interested in her life and share your experiences, do something together ( great option- intuitive drawing)
4. Observe yourself: does it happen that you do not have time or leave a project unattended, or, on the contrary, take on a lot of things at work too diligently and responsibly?

In order to establish communication, it is necessary to communicate on an equal footing. Do not forget that pressure from the outside gives rise to a completely natural reaction - to defend yourself or to do the opposite.

Sooner or later, changes occur in the relationship between mother and daughter and this happens when the girl enters into teenage years. The emerging contradictions in looking at those things that once seemed simple prevent them from finding a common language with each other.

A mother must understand and accept the changes that are taking place in her daughter's life. She must show wisdom and be able to put herself in the place of a teenage child. The essence of the current problem lies in the fact that a woman brings up her daughter according to the same principles that guided her mother. However, they need to be reviewed in order to break the circle of misunderstanding and emerging resentment.

Rules for communicating with a teenage daughter

1. No need to speak his teenage daughter "Never" . This does not mean that she always and in everything needs to be indulged. If the mother understands that at a certain stage her daughter's request is impossible, she should try to explain to her why it is impossible to realize it right now. You can think with her about how to make the dream come true as soon as possible.
2. Shouldn't yell when communicating with your daughter, you just need to try to understand her and imagine yourself in her place. As a rule, this advice is suitable in situations where mother and daughter are talking about relationships with a young man.
3. Your help you should offer only when the daughter herself asks for it. There is no need to impose yourself, even if it seems that without maternal help, the growing daughter will not be able to find a solution to her problems. Otherwise, she will only withdraw into herself and become irritable.
4. In case of poor performance daughters (especially if until some time everything was in order with grades) need to carefully learn about what went wrong in her school life. You should not, without finding out this, attack the daughter of a teenager with screams and threats.
5. No need to try to subdue own teenage daughter. Right now, she wants to seem more mature, and all her mother’s attempts to force her to do what she doesn’t want to do will be perceived negatively. mother can only advise daughter, but this should be done unobtrusively.

Thanks to these five simple advice you can find an approach to your growing daughter. Consider the most common problems that cause disagreements between mother and daughter.

2 common problems that prevent you from finding a common language

Problem #1: Differences in taste. It all starts with the fact that the mother is trying to impose her taste on her daughter. At the same time, she can convince her daughter that her preferences are wrong. As a result, an adult woman commits grossest mistake, which leads to a deterioration in her relationship with a teenage girl.

It must be remembered that it is in adolescence that girls radically change their views on the surrounding things, they begin to like heavy music, they begin to wear strange things and do no less strange hairstyles. A caring mother, starting to convince her daughter that her lifestyle is contrary to her ideas, risks her trust for a long time.

You just need to remember that the daughter is just looking for ways to express herself, and they may not be quite the same as the mother would like. How to fix this situation and find a common language with your beloved daughter? Everything is quite simple - to accept it as it is. You should not start changing it if the changes that are taking place do not negatively affect your daughter. On the contrary, you can try to delve into what the girl began to like, and she will certainly appreciate it.

Problem #2: The guy. It is in adolescence that girls fall in love for the first time, and mother, learning about this, begins to evaluate her daughter's gentlemen. On the one hand, the interference from the mother can be understood, because she is trying to protect her daughter from an unsuitable candidate.

On the other hand, you need to remember yourself at this age. A girl in love sees all the best in her young man, not noticing his shortcomings, even if they are quite visible to others. Of course, if the mother tells her about this, she risks getting into the list of enemies.

What should the mother do in this case? First of all, you need to pull yourself together and allow the girl to learn from her own mistakes. Of course, one should not completely turn a blind eye to the daughter's relationship with the guys. All the same, you should continue to unobtrusively be interested in her love affairs, while giving friendly advice that will help her avoid many mistakes.

Of course problem situations arising between a teenage daughter and her mother is much more. However, all of them are solved in the same ways as the above problems. It makes no sense to consider them, since they are all connected with the desire of a growing girl to find herself in this life, to fulfill herself.

Conclusion

Above, tips were given on how to find common ground with your daughter, who has entered into a difficult adolescence, and also considered difficult situations and ways to solve them. Suffering from a lack of understanding with her daughter, the mother should, as often as possible, remember how she behaved in those same years, what mistakes she made, and how her communication with her parents took place.

It is very important to learn to look at difficult situations not from the height of your years, when life wisdom replaced youthful eccentricity, but through the eyes of your daughter. It must be remembered that it is at this stage of life that she learns the world with all its advantages and disadvantages. If you learn to do this, then those conflicts that arise literally from scratch will go away.

Child age: 14

Can't get along with my daughter

Hello! My daughter is 14 in a month. I can't find a common language. He speaks to me only in an orderly tone, he opens the door to my room with his foot. Calls names, so it's embarrassing to write. The most harmless "stupid sheep". I rarely punish, turn off the Internet. Today she turned it off, she wrote me a text message to tell me to die, and to be buried with pigs, etc. The situation is complicated by the behavior of my mother. When she starts behaving like this, then my mother is not on my side, but starts scolding the two of us that we cannot find a common language. Once again I try not to notice the attacks in my direction so that my mother does not get nervous, she is 77 years old, and she immediately becomes ill. In addition to this behavior, the daughter does nothing around the house. Sometimes the dishes will be taken out of the room and that's it. And she can cook for herself. If you ask to do something, she says that she is not a serf. I understand that I am to blame for this situation, but I no longer have the strength to endure such behavior, but I don’t know how to fix it.

Maria

Hello Maria.

- This is a difficult stage in the life of your daughter. Unfortunately, during this period in a negative way all the mistakes of the parents made in the earlier upbringing of the child are manifested. It is best for you now to turn to a psychologist for an internal consultation. Even if your daughter does not want to go with you, a specialist will help you find out what your mistakes were and how to correct them now.

In my opinion, you need to reconsider your own position that you take in relation to other family members. You tolerate your mother's accusations because you are afraid to worry her, you do not react to your daughter's insults because you do not know how. It seems that you are ready to sacrifice yourself for the peace of others. But, more often than not, your loved ones don’t really need it and can even be harmful, as the relationship with your daughter shows.

The girl's conflict is that she already feels like an adult independent person, but does not quite understand the meaning of the word "independence". And your task is to explain it, not only and not so much with words, but with actions. It is important to show the daughter that this concept includes not only freedom and personal space, but also responsibility. Perhaps you are used to doing things instead of her or eliminating all the results of her wrong actions. This prevents her from understanding that every action has consequences that must be answered. Leave her alone not only in her room, but also with her tasks: if you want to eat, go to the grocery store and cook, if you want to live clean, clean it up, if you want respect for yourself, show it to others.

But, at the same time, she also needs your support, despite the fact that she carefully hides it. Therefore, try to restore her trust in you, learn from her and accept her negative emotions, but not her behavior.

Anastasia Vyalykh,
Family psychologist