Slapping a baby on the pope, as they say, “for business” is a common occurrence in Russian families. And it's good if it happens lovingly, for reminder purposes. But there are families where children are really beaten. Why is this happening? This is the next story.

Mom in the kitchen was preparing dinner for the head of the family, and 5-year-old Anya was sitting at the table at that time. In front of her was her favorite treat: scrambled eggs with sausage. But the girl turned away, then jumped up, then made faces. Mom tolerated her behavior for a while, holding back an irrepressible desire to yell at her daughter and spank her properly. But the woman controlled her anger and calmly said:

- You don't want to eat? Then go play, and I'll give your dinner to the dog. And since you do not like this dish, I will never cook it for you again.

Mom was about to pick up the plate when Anya screamed:

- No, mommy, I'll eat everything now!

Anya quieted down, and after 10 minutes the plate was empty.

There are many such situations. We want to spank the child, taking out evil on him, but in return we can also receive anger and hostility. Why not be wiser? Psychologists have proven that you can spank a baby only up to a year, while he is not yet aware of himself as a person and is not able to be offended.

At an older age, any blow is perceived as a personal insult. Fear is born in children, they are afraid of their parents. But after all, dad and mom should serve as a bastion of security and reliability? Does our reckless behavior deprive our children of support in old age?

Let's compare how parents treat their children in other countries, although there are extremes everywhere. So, in America, even a parental slap can cause a child to complain and neighbors or relatives go to court to deprive dad or mom parental rights for beating a child. Too much, but anything can happen.

In Japan, absolutely everything is allowed for children up to the age of 7, and only older children are subject to restrictions. It is believed that at this age the baby learns everything, and after 7 years discipline begins. True, in this country the veneration of elders is very strong, so children simply cannot disobey their mother or father.

Which parenting model to choose?

Golden mean. You can lovingly spank a baby 2-3 years old, but beat 5-6 summer child, especially in the presence of other people - a direct insult. With elders, one must act with words, persuasion, or rather, an agreement. And if the baby does not fulfill the requirements common to all family members (plays around at the table, does not want to clean up after himself, etc.), he will lose his favorite entertainment or pleasures. Know how to negotiate without depriving the crumbs of a sense of security.

We think that only dysfunctional parents who have addiction or mental problems can bully their children. normal parents, regular moms and dads don't beat, they educate. At least, it is rare that any adult is ready to admit out loud that he is beating his child for a bad grade or an unwashed grade, which gives a slap in the face because he got it, screams with anger. No, all this is done for good purposes, because he does not understand otherwise.

Physical punishment is a tradition that goes back centuries. Maybe that's why we don't see main problem- Violence of the strong against the weak. Children are dependent on their parents for everything, who, instead of being adults, become victims of “I do this because I have to, you don’t understand, you don’t want to do as I say.” But a victim who has the power and authority to punish. By spanking, parents show that they do not know how to solve problems and find mutual language with a child and at the same time show their weakness. They really don't know how, because they are too weak to change themselves.

Psychologist Marina Baidyuk identified 5 reasons why parents continue to beat their children, even realizing that they are doing bad things. Adults do not always understand the reasons that drive them. If you deal with what really worries the parent, then you can avoid violence in education.

Why do parents beat their children

Cases of domestic violence against a child are quite common. Children are beaten not only in dysfunctional families, but also in quite intelligent ones, where parents are successful, accomplished people who enjoy authority among colleagues and respect from management.

And at home they turn into tyrants, whose victims are the weakest in the family - children.

At the same time, not every parent is ready to admit that he beats his child. Most of them will vehemently deny it and even condemn it.

So why do parents, realizing that physical assault is the wrong method of parenting, continue to beat their children?

Reasons for child abuse

As a psychologist, I would highlight some of the most common reasons why parents beat their children.

Desire to assert itself. Every person needs to feel successful at least in some area - at work, at home, with friends, in their hobby. He needs recognition of his merits by other people.

But what to do if he has not achieved anything in life: he has no friends, there are not enough stars from the sky at work, his character is such that his wife simply tolerates him? So such a parent finds an opportunity to raise his own self-esteem by hitting a defenseless child. “He will not be able to fight back, which means that I am stronger, I surpass him, I have power over him.”

Such a person must be stopped immediately, otherwise he will finally believe in his impunity and become a domestic tyrant not only for children, but also for his wife, other relatives, neighbors. It certainly won't end well.

The tradition of upbringing in the family. In some families, it is customary to raise children using grandfather's methods - a belt. So the father and mother were taught life by their parents, and those by the previous generation. “Why invent something new if these methods work? We were beaten, and we grew up as people,” such people believe.

But they forget that the world is becoming more and more civilized every year. And the barbaric methods of education can be no less effectively replaced by others: a heart-to-heart talk with a child, explaining to him his position and the benefits of doing the right thing, encouragement. And, most importantly, respectful attitude and communication as equals, not from positions of strength.

Powerlessness and feeling helpless in an attempt to influence the child. Yes, I agree, with some kids it can be hard to keep from slapping.

But if you fail to agree with the child in a good way, then there will be no benefit from the use of force either. Therefore, the only way out is to look for an approach and those spiritual strings, the impact on which can have a positive effect. It's hard, but being a parent is not easy at all.

Sincere conviction that this method can instill in the child the right manners, the desire to learn, to obey their parents. It is a pity to disappoint such people, but there will be no benefit from such education.

You will only embitter your own son or daughter, make you afraid, but not respected in any way. Moreover, by using brute force, you grow up from a child a notorious person, unsure of himself, afraid not only to express, but even to have his own opinion.

This can leave a negative imprint on his whole life, deprive him of happiness and the possibility of self-realization.

Sexual dissatisfaction. It often happens that parents transfer failures in their personal lives to their children simply because this is the easiest way to take out their anger and frustration.

The man has breakdowns in bed, and instead of going to the doctor, he grabs the belt at the slightest fault of his son.

A woman suffers from a lack of intimacy with her husband and, in irritation, can severely punish a child for an insufficiently high mark or a mistake made in dictation.

How to do without violence?

Is it possible to do without assault in raising children? I am convinced that yes. In no case do I call for abandoning the punishment of a child for wrongdoing in principle. It is necessary and should correspond to the degree of misconduct.

But I am sure that a much more severe punishment is not a beating, but a moral impact.

1. First, understand the problem and help your child solve it. For example, he does not want to study. Talk to him first. Maybe classmates offend him, or the teacher finds fault for no reason. In this case, act like an older comrade: enroll the child in a fight so that he learns to defend himself, transfer to another class or even school, help him find a field of activity where he will feel like a person. Agree, these methods are much more effective than a belt on the pope.
2. Learn to see your children as individuals. They are not your property, but people like you, and have the same right to make mistakes and human weaknesses. You do not beat yourself if you are too lazy to do some housework or you drank an extra bottle of beer. Therefore, if you think that your children are not diligent enough or diligent in their studies, they help poorly around the house, they are rude and disobedient, then remember that you yourself are not perfect, and help them become better. Try to find activities for them to enjoy and direct their energy in a peaceful direction. It can be sports, needlework, creativity, books, any hobby. Sincerely rejoice at the success of the child, be proud of him, encourage his hobbies. And he will grow up to be your true friend, grateful and sincerely loving his parents.
3. Look for more humane and effective methods education. Believe me, a heart-to-heart talk, your sincere experience from a child’s bad deed will upset him much more than getting a beating. Other methods can also be applied. Son finished badly academic year, and you promised him a trip to the sea? Refuse vacation with the whole family, let the son feel that through his fault, not only he, but also you were left without rest. Daughter was rude to the teacher? Invite her to introduce you or your grandmother in the place of the teacher. How would she react if someone told you what she allowed herself to address another person? And go with her to the teacher to apologize.
4. And most important rule Learn to control your own emotions. The child is rude and does not obey? Try to calm down and not make hasty decisions. To do this, you can lock yourself in the bathroom, look at the water pouring from the tap, put your palms under it. When the anger passes, go out and talk to the child, explain what he is wrong about and how his behavior offended you. Son brought a deuce? Go out of the box: instead of screaming and punching, to which he is used to, laugh with him. Agree, because bad grade- not the worst thing in life, it, in the end, can be corrected.

But it will be very difficult to regain the trust of the child.

Live and let others live
But not at the expense of the other;
Always be happy with your
Don't touch anyone else's
Here is the rule, the path is straight
For the happiness of everyone and everyone.
G.R. Derzhavin
"On the birth of Empress Gremislava. L.A. Naryshkin" (1798)

The little girl has recently learned to walk and walks with her mother. She shifts her legs carefully and goes where they carry her. Mom vigilantly watches her daughter and, if she has moved away from her at a considerable distance, she catches up with the baby, picks her up in her arms and with the words "You can't go far from mom!" without anger, but sensitively slaps on the pope until the girl begins to whimper. Are you familiar with this picture?

It is impossible to talk about any physical impact on the child by his parents in isolation from the temperament, mental state and general health of both the parent and the child himself. However, and in isolation from the general cultural level of the family. What is absolutely unacceptable for some people, for others - ordinary, inoffensive and non-offensive manifestations. Therefore, when someone says that it is impossible to beat children, or, on the contrary, "no one has died from a slap on the ass", these are just empty slogans, divorced from life, from specific people and the circumstances of their lives.

How and for what it is impossible to beat children, from what slap, under what circumstances did no one die? Various refinements and additions to these slogans can sometimes radically change and transform the idea they convey. It is impossible to beat children, but is it possible to morally crush them, humiliate and insult them with words? Slap on the ass six year old boy done in public by his father will not physically kill a child. But any trust in the father for the rest of his life can kill in a child.

In this article, by the word "beat" we do not mean beating a child to an unconscious state, intentionally inflicting injuries on him or any kind of violence associated with pathological condition adult. Why this happens is a topic for another discussion.

How to divide physical manifestations to a child into spontaneous, impulsive and conscious, based on some methodology and rules, or simply tyranny of an adult? Many mothers tell their friends: "We do not beat our child." But can each of these mothers swear that, for example, on some rainy day, she didn’t kick her screaming child in the ass in a wild voice for an unknown reason, when the two of them trudged tired with bags from some shopping trip? Is it possible to separate where "beat the baby" and mom's "I just can't take it anymore" begins?

As for the physical impact on the child by his parents and relatives, there are several opposite opinions of the parents themselves. Each gives his own arguments, which are based mainly on personal experience, acquired at a time when this parent was himself small and defenseless. It is good that many adults remember their childhood and analyze the methods of parenting. Conventionally, these people can be divided into several categories:

• parents who themselves in childhood were never touched, humiliated or insulted, and everything was decided through negotiations or persuasion;
• parents who in childhood were not beaten or beaten lightly, but the children were morally humiliated, insulted, something was achieved from the child by forming in him a sense of guilt and shame;
• parents who in childhood received cuffs and slaps, but only for real offense, and the child agreed with this, while adults did not humiliate or insult him;
• parents who had a difficult childhood and who were beaten (hard and painful and even with a belt), and humiliated, and punished for any reason.

It is easy to guess which of these categories of parents will be categorically against physical impact, and who will believe that there is nothing terrible for the child in the slap. The unacceptability of physical punishment arises if it is identified with humiliation, insult, guilt.

There is nothing terrible in the physical impact itself (if it is not a beating, of course). Life cannot be made refined and completely safe. Each of us is faced (some less often, some more often) with various physical influences between people, ranging from friendly shoving or fighting, ending with self-defense or the protection of one's dignity. Anything can happen in life, and it is impossible to isolate and absolutely exclude physical manifestations, including in the relationship "parents-children". No matter how much mothers discuss the topic “is it possible to physically punish your child” on the forums, there will always be ardent opponents and equally ardent supporters of physical punishment, and no one will convince each other of their truth. And all just because those and others have a diametrically opposed experience and understanding of what physical impact and punishment are. For some, it is identified with the humiliation of the child, while others perceive the physical impact as just a protest of the parent against the child's behavior. And if an adult consciously and thoughtfully relates to his relationship with his child, then he will strive to rid him of the negative experience that he himself once experienced in childhood. Or the parent may not even wonder how to behave with the child, he simply accepts the model of relations that he saw from his own parents in relation to him.

The most controversial category is parents who were beaten very badly in childhood, who lived in destructive families, which left a heavy imprint on their personality. Those who were able to rise above the oppression in which they lived in childhood, and overcome the chaos in their souls, sown by their own parents, will find an unambiguous answer to the question "to beat or not to beat." They won't even lay a finger on their child. Those who could not overcome this relationship model will create an exact copy of it.

Often, mothers spank their child or give him cuffs on the back of the head precisely as an addition to pointing and edifying words. For reinforcement, so to speak. Thus, they are trying to develop a conditioned reflex in the child. If the mother said that one should not go far, then if the prohibition is ignored, the child will be hurt. And in the future, as the mother thinks, the child will have a strong association: "it is impossible" - "it hurts." This is a pedagogical error. It is possible to develop such a conditioned reflex in a child only for a while. A child is not an animal, he should not be trained, but taught. And it is necessary to help him adapt to the environment. Moreover, the reflexes and temperament inherent in the child by nature have a much stronger influence on his behavior than those conditioned reflexes that parents are trying to instill in him.

If a mother does not want to abandon the tactics of developing conditioned reflexes in her child, she will eventually have to increase the dose of physical punishment or supplement it with moral influence (humiliate, frighten, oppress). Will the mother get any acceptable result in changing the behavior of her child from such a struggle? But her child, of course, will receive numerous mental traumas and complexes.

Often in words, the mother declares that she never beats and will never beat her blood. But it so happens that all good intentions fly away like smoke when a mother, in a fit of anger, from fatigue, irritation or any other negative emotions, is unable to resist not to physically affect her child. When she comes to, she begins to feel guilty about the baby. After all, she knows what her baby feels, she herself, perhaps, once experienced all this on herself. Thus, in such scenes, the unconscious attitudes laid down in childhood are realized. After all, the mother understands everything with her mind, but still acts, just like her parents did with her.

It’s good if a mother who wants to change her relationship scenario with her child realizes that often her good intentions and decisions to keep herself within certain limits in critical situations do not always help. It is the tracking of such frequently repeated episodes that can help the mother move from automatic (unconscious) reactions to those manifestations that the mother wants to express in the presence of the child. However, it should also be taken into account that it is impossible to suppress the anger, anger, irritability in oneself for a long time, which every parent experiences from time to time in relation to his child. Such an internal ban on negative emotions can lead both to somatic diseases (migraines, chronic fatigue, etc.) and to sudden, seemingly unfounded outbursts of rage and anger with varying degrees devastating consequences. The child will perceive this as a deep injustice towards him. Therefore, a mother should not suppress her anger and desire to hit her child, but be aware and recognize the right to do so. And it is up to her to beat or not to beat, depending on the situation. It is better, of course, if she chooses "do not beat." There are many ways to translate aggression and destructive energy into something more creative. For example, a mother realizes that she wants to hit her child for something. You can speak aloud your condition and your desires. And you can, for example, wash the dishes, iron the clothes or something else of her choice. Some moms may object: "How am I going to wash the dishes when everything inside me is bubbling and raging from the fact that this tomboy is doing this?" In this case, you can break a couple of plates and wash the rest. And healthy humor, and the realization that there are no ideal children and there are no ideal parents, will help you find a way out for any destructive energy.

Also, every parent should understand that his own life filled with positive, creativity, joy and development will destroy any negativity within the family in general, and in relations with the child in particular.

An intense desire to hit one's own child can often be regarded as a symptom of an internal psychological or emotional disorder and trouble in the person himself.

A family for a child is a small model of society in which he will someday have to live on his own. Relationships in the family are a kind of simulator for the baby. In the family, he can be taught that if someone offends you, angers you or deliberately annoys you, then you can (as a last resort!) hit your offender. There are families where children do not dare to defend themselves against the attacks of adults and older children. And then they can not fight back the offenders in kindergarten, school. The child becomes a potential object for ridicule, insults. And in a critical situation outside the family, the child is completely defenseless against violence. Those. motto: "Children must not be beaten!" elevated to an absolute, can do a disservice in the formation of ways of self-defense in the child himself.

On the other hand, if parents allow themselves to show some form of force in relation to the child, then they should not be offended and taken seriously if the child hits her on the mother's head in response. Thus, he protects his dignity and, therefore, will be able to defend it in communication with other people.

Most effective method to get away from forceful interaction with your child is a transfer of relations from the position of "adult-younger", "educator-student" to the position of friendship and cooperation. This is a difficult path that requires the participation of all family members. But parents who follow this path are unlikely to raise their hand to little friend, which is overcome. And if he rises, then the child will definitely forgive and understand that his mother is very tired and also upset about something. Anything happens in life...

Discussion

I sometimes spank the child, but without anger, more so that they get through to him when he doesn’t want to hear.

In connection with the topic of this article, I recalled one episode from Carlos Castaneda's book "Journey to Ixtlan".
I will quote it here in full. Another look, as they say...

"Don Juan and I just sat and chatted about this and that, and I told him about one of my friends who had serious problems with his nine-year-old son. For the last four years, the boy lived with his mother, and then his father took him to him and immediately was faced with the question: what to do with the child?According to my friend, he could not study at all at school, because he was not interested in anything, and, in addition, the boy had absolutely no ability to concentrate.Often a child without visible reasons irritated, behaved aggressively and even tried to run away from home several times.

Yes, indeed it is a problem, don Juan chuckled.

I wanted to tell him something else about the "tricks" of the child, but don Juan cut me off.

Enough. It is not for us to judge his actions. Poor baby!

It was said quite sharply and firmly. But then don Juan smiled.

But what is my friend to do? I asked.

The worst thing he can do is force the child to agree, don Juan said.

What do you mean?

In no case should the father scold or spank the boy when he does not do what is required of him, or behaves badly.

Yes, but if you do not show firmness, then how can you teach a child anything?

Have your buddy get the kid spanked by someone else.

Don Juan's suggestion surprised me.

Why, he won't let anyone lay a finger on him!

He certainly liked my reaction. He chuckled and said:

Your friend is not a warrior. If he were a warrior, he would know that in dealing with human beings there can be nothing worse and more useless than direct confrontation.

And what does a warrior do in such cases, don Juan?

A warrior acts strategically.

I still don't understand what you mean by that.

Here's the thing: if your friend were a warrior, he would help his son stop the world.

How?

To do this, he would need personal strength. He must be a magician.

But he's not a magician.

In this case, it is necessary that the picture of the world to which the boy is accustomed change. And in this he can be helped by conventional means. This is not yet stopping the world, but they will probably work just as well.

I asked to explain. Don Juan said:

If I were your friend, I would hire someone to spank the kid. I would have scoured the slums and found there a man of the most terrible appearance.

To scare the baby?

Silly you, just to scare in this case is not enough. The child must be stopped, but the father will not achieve anything if he scolds him or beats him. To stop a person, you need to “press” on him hard. However, at the same time, one himself must remain out of visible connection with the factors and circumstances directly related to this pressure. Only then can the pressure be controlled.

The idea seemed ridiculous to me, but there was something in it.

Don Juan sat with his left arm resting on the box, his chin resting on the palm of his hand. His eyes were closed, but the eyeballs were moving under the lids, as if he was still looking at me. I felt uncomfortable and I said:

Perhaps you can still explain in more detail what to do to my friend?

Let him go to the slums and find the most terrible bastard, only younger and stronger.

Don Juan then laid out a rather strange plan for my friend to follow. It is necessary to make sure that during the next walk with the child, the hired type follows them or waits for them in the agreed place.

At the first offense of his son, the father will give a sign, the tramp will jump out of the ambush, grab the boy and beat him properly.

And then let the father reassure the boy as best he can and help him come to his senses. I think three or four times will be enough to drastically change the boy's attitude to everything that surrounds him. The picture of the world will be different for him.

Wouldn't the fear hurt him? Will not cripple the psyche?

Fear doesn't hurt anyone. If anything cripples our spirit, then it is just constant nit-picking, slaps in the face and instructions on what needs to be done and what not.

When the boy becomes manageable enough, tell your friend one last thing; let him find a way to show his son a dead child. Somewhere in a hospital or morgue. And let the boy touch the corpse. Left hand, anywhere except the abdomen. After that, he will become a different person and will never be able to perceive the world in the same way as before.

And then I realized that all these years don Juan had used a similar tactic against myself. On a different scale, under different circumstances, but with the same basic principle. I asked if that was true, and he confirmed it, saying that from the very beginning he tried to teach me to “stop the world.”

01/25/2011 23:32:11, reader.ru

Surely each of us, if we think a little and look into our childhood, will be able to remember a pretty thrashing from our mother or a couple of slaps in the face from our father. It was good or bad, it’s hard to say now, but we grew up like that and considered it the norm. But the world has changed a lot since then, as has the approach to raising children.

If our standards of upbringing are changing rather slowly, then European countries are developing at a rapid pace. For example, some 150 years ago, it was the norm for Swedish parents to whip a child with rods, and also go to the library and read which rods are best for this business.

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But now this country has become the first where beating children is prohibited by law. Today's editorial "So simple!" tell how they came to this alignment and whether it works.

Can children be beaten?

In the 70s Physical punishment children were the norm, part of the upbringing. No one then thought about the fact that this could be wrong. Except for one woman, who was the first to talk about the fact that violence against children should not be the norm.

Everyone knows this woman, because everyone remembers and loves her fairy tales. Astrid Lindgren- a famous and talented storyteller, and also a person who changed the entire education system and made it possible for a whole generation to grow up without violence. In 1978, in Germany, at the Peace Prize ceremony, she delivered a speech that spread around the world.

She talked about how the aggression that we see around us originates in our childhood. The first lesson in violence comes from our parents, who punish their children with slaps and cuffs, and often with a belt. After that, the child begins to believe that violence can solve all problems.

Part of her speech went like this: "I do not think so. A child is born neither bad nor good. What decides whether he will be open and kind or callous and bitter lone wolf? We, his parents, are the people who should show the child what love is. Or, unwittingly, teach him the opposite..

This speech was so sincere and piercing that it gave rise to a heated debate in Sweden and Germany about physical punishment. The citizens of these countries realized that this was not an option, and since then their education system has completely changed. In 1979, Sweden officially, at the level of the law, prohibits corporal punishment of children at home and at school.

period of change

Of course, it doesn’t happen that a law is written, and then everyone immediately changed, saw the light and stopped beating children. No, it was much more difficult. The trick is that this law did not remain on paper, but began to work. In order to convey the idea to every family, the government organized a large-scale information campaign.

It was something like propaganda, because they were talking about changes just at every turn. Every citizen was taught that it was impossible to beat children, that the new generation should not be like that, these children should believe in themselves, their rights and in their state. Similar slogans sounded from TV screens, were pronounced on the radio, but what can I say, even on packages of milk they could be seen.

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The state also took care of the parents. A lot of literature, brochures and leaflets were published that taught parents how to raise a child without violence and humiliation. At that time, a hotline was also set up where one could call and ask for advice.

Incidentally, it still exists today. There are also hotlines for children, they can call at any time and ask for help if they are offended at home. In Sweden they react immediately to this.

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The modern system of raising children in Sweden

Now everyone is used to this arrangement of things. Yet a whole generation of people has already grown up on this law. The state still provides parents with all kinds of support, it's all honed to automatism.

The lion's share of education is taken over by preschool institutions. Everything is built on clear rules, where violence is prohibited. In the first place is respect for the child, and in the second - the child's respect for others. It is on this principle that children are raised in Sweden.

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From childhood, the Swedes are instilled simple rules: you can’t fight, you need to respect others, wait your turn, be responsible for your choice. They are told about their rights, already at the age of two the baby knows everything about it. How to say "no", where to turn when you are offended - this is the first science that children learn in Sweden.

Punishments for violence are also very severe. Because of one complaint, which will also be proven, the child can be taken away from the family. If someone on the street sees that a parent used force on a child, they will immediately call the police. In the case where corporal punishment occurs constantly in the family, parents can even end up in prison.

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But this does not at all look like some kind of evil dystopia. Children and parents are very happy, cases when a child is taken away from the family are more rare than a mass phenomenon. The fact is that everyone is already accustomed to living like this, it has become the norm.

Sweden is a very childish country. The children are taken care of there just like their parents. Every cafe and restaurant will have high chair and some fun for the kids. All shopping centers and large stores are equipped so that you can feed and change your child.

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It is customary in the country to go everywhere with children, but at the same time there is no child-centrism in society. The life of parents does not revolve around children. Parents are not fanatical, they do not try to teach their child to read and speak three languages ​​from the cradle. Children are not brought up in Sweden, they live with them.

There is no concept of any maternal duty or the duty of children to their parents. Yes, and motherhood is not considered some kind of feat. To everything there is a calm and quite adequate attitude. What they care about in the first place is the safety of children, because this is really important.

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Many may criticize this liberal parenting system, but it works. In Sweden, with the advent of this law, the number of crimes has decreased. It is indeed a happy nation. And, perhaps, the reason is precisely that they have renounced violence once and for all!

You can talk a lot about the pros and cons of such education, and opinions are always divided. For example, Swedish psychiatrist and author of several books, David Eberhard, believes that liberal parenting harms both children and parents.

Each country has its own approach to raising children. We recently wrote about what you can learn from Dutch moms and why their parenting system is one of the best.

What do you think, is it okay to beat children? Is corporal punishment necessary in the process of education? Tell us what you think in the comments!

Ekaterina Khodyuk
Ekaterina Khodyuk's main hobby is literature. She also likes to watch a good movie, enjoy autumn, pet cats and listen to the Spleen group. He is fond of Japanese culture, thinking and way of life of the Japanese, dreams of visiting this country. Katya strives to live a rich, full of impressions and travel life. The girl's favorite book is The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera.

It is very important to understand why we beat our children. After all, deep down, all parents feel that beating is bad. Why then is it all the same to us – perhaps?

I was also beaten. This is scary. The generation of beaten children endured, grew up and now considers their childhood pain as a possible argument to justify their own cruelty to the child. My heart shrinks, but still I will ask: “You were beaten. And what - did you really like it? Really, even if it was for the cause, at least one beaten child, after beatings, confidently declares to his mother or father: “You did the right thing! I deserve it. Got it for the job. Now I understand everything. I won't do it again!" Do we really believe that no one dreamed of escaping this punishment, this pain and humiliation? Remember how many tears were shed into the pillow, how much anger rose in the child's heart from injustice and its irreversibility. Of course, it can be experienced. And many survived. But why give your child to experience what he himself was most afraid of? I was walking home with a deuce in my diary and ... I was afraid.

What if you don't understand otherwise? This is very frequently asked question and very worrisome. In an attempt to explain something important to our child, we parents seem to be ready for anything. Our desperation in failure to forcefully solve problems in communication with a child is ready to push us into madness. Tell us that the child will understand better in the electric chair, and in despair and with tears we will put him there and we will believe that, indeed, he will understand better that way.

Or not? Or is there something that will stop us? I often asked myself this question. Am I ready to admit that my child really does not understand me now? Am I ready to accept what he doesn't understand? Accept, do not pressure and leave it as it is, without judging him? Do I understand that my child is still good, even if he does not hear me on an important (by the way, important for me) issue?

I began to remember myself in childhood, how my understanding worked, how moments came when I suddenly became aware of what my parents or teachers explained to me for quite a long time. Any understanding does not come immediately, but as we are ready for it. Often what is said in other words also brings a new meaning, which was so lacking in order to fully understand it before. At the same time, adults themselves perceive someone else's experience, on which it is customary to encourage children to learn, much worse than their own.

We worry that the child will get hurt if he takes a knife, he will die if he leans out of the window too much, he will get into trouble if he is not careful on the road. We are afraid of this and inspire the child with instructions - a guide to action, completely unaware that he is not ready on his own wave and does not want to hear it in such a volume. In desperation and fear we take the belt.

But in fact, in our anxiety, we forget about ourselves and our role - that we, parents, are those people who should be next to our child all the time until he learns everything he needs to know about safety, the world around him, while he is just learning, trying to learn, and completely defenseless. Everything will turn out much more successfully if the mother herself makes sure that the knife is in a place inaccessible to the child, and the acquaintance with the knife takes place under the mother’s supervision and at the age when the child is already ready to learn how to use it and understand that the knife cannot be toy. It's the same with the road, and with the window, and with a whole list of situations in which we try to solve the problem by suggestion, and then by beating.

At the same time, beating is not a guarantee of a deeper understanding of the child, what can and cannot be done. Beating is only an act of physical punishment, an occasion for further shame, fear, resentment, even hatred. But no understanding of the essence of things.

If we are talking about older children, then, of course, they will understand why they were punished, although they will clearly not understand the reasons for such cruelty. It turns out that the child will get his own negative negative experience, which will tell him what is wrong, what is bad, why he is beaten. Negative experience does not show the child what is good, what is possible and necessary, what is positive, where and how you can apply your imagination, knowledge, skills.

Such an experience restricts the development of the personality in the child, inhibits his energy for aspirations. Often it is important to show the child the direction of his movement, and not to put a prohibition sign - do not go here. Here it is important to transfer his attention, to find words, joint activities, interests, and not to prohibit what cannot be done with a terrible belt. Perhaps you need to be patient, you need to feel that the child is not capable of understanding something today, to notice his individuality, to figure out why he does not understand what would seem obvious. Perhaps we are wrong about the obviousness of these questions to him. Perhaps we do not find those words that he is already ready to understand. Perhaps the child requires a more detailed story, and not just "do not touch, do not hit, do not tear."

Here we need our parental work - the work of a loving mentor, but not an inquisitor. And, perhaps, we tear off our difficulties, failures, experiences on it. In any case, a detailed conversation with the child about our feelings for him, for the situation, about our true desires will help. It is unlikely that we want to beat the child, rather we want to show him how much we are concerned about his behavior. It would be more honest to say so directly. Be as detailed as possible, be as honest as possible. A child will understand us much better than any adult. The trust that we give him with such a conversation, he will appreciate very highly and will remember for a long time.

I don't have the patience. Terrible reason. Terrible, because it allows you to justify almost any action of an adult. But, unfortunately, does not answer the main question: why? Why is there not enough patience for a child?

The child is the meaning of my life. This is the biggest and most important thing that I have. Why then do I have no patience for him, for his upbringing? Why is there enough patience for the stupidity and mistakes of other people? It turns out that the child, his life, his interests are not my priority. Am I deceiving myself and others when I talk about how they are dear to me and dearly loved? So, is there something more important in my life, for which I will always have enough patience?

This was hard to admit to myself. Finding double standards in yourself, slyness is hard and painful. But these findings allow us to move forward in understanding and change. They honestly show the reality, do not give the opportunity to be mistaken.

As for patience, here I found many ways to help myself: from a global understanding of the meaning of my life, an analysis of the true state of affairs in the family, in my own soul, to sometimes the most everyday recipe. Once I redistributed time and found time for my personal rest. I realized that 15 minutes in the bathroom in the evening is also a rest - a time to collect my thoughts, remember the day, what worked and what didn’t, review difficult situations, try to change your attitude towards them, time for plans for tomorrow.

I also began to be attentive to the time that I devote to children.

I spend the whole day with the children, we have working grandparents, we live separately, my husband comes home from work after eight in the evening, and, of course, I'm very tired with three kids alone. At some point, I caught myself paying little attention to them. I go with them to various classes, we really have a very diverse and interesting leisure. I walk with them for a long time on the playground. I cook, I eat, I read. I sculpt, I draw. How can it be that I pay little attention to children? I have been looking for an answer to this question for some time. And I realized that everything I do is a great addition to the main thing. And most importantly - this is personal communication, without any specific goal, just like that, because you want to be together.

These are the moments when mom sat on the sofa, the children stuck around her, and she strokes them, kisses them, fiddles with them, talks to them about what they are interested in now. At these moments, you can tell your mother that you really want a doll. And it’s expensive to trust her that you understand that you have a lot of toys and you often receive gifts, but you still want the doll that is in the pink bath. In these moments, you can talk about the boy in the pool, who is tall and has black hair. You can talk about the girl in the drawing and about the fact that the teacher was wearing a funny skirt today and all the boys were laughing. It's time for silly baby talk when I suddenly realize I'm in a freaky children's world, they accepted me here as their own, equally dividing their children's secrets, experiences and shreds for dolls. And there can be no higher happiness than stroking your child's hair when he crawls over me, trying to get better and push his brother away! This is life ... real, beautiful, bright ... Only ours and our children.