To attach an orphan, to build a temple, - the people say. The first case of custody of a child mentioned in the annals dates back to 879. Pupils were taken under their wing by peasant, merchant, and noble families. And today, many fellow citizens are ready to shelter a child without parents.

But time has left its mark on the customs of children and adults. The modern orphan bears little resemblance to the pious baby of the pre-revolutionary period. And the adoptive parents are not always perfect. Therefore, the Russian Orthodox Church practices a balanced approach to this problem.

God allows you to choose

More than once, on the forums of adoptive parents, I have come across the opinion that you cannot choose children as a product - according to certain parameters, hair and eye color, nationality, character and talents. Many emotionally declared that it was necessary to act at the behest of the heart, following the impulse. I saw the child and suddenly realized: it's mine! And then let no obstacles stop you. But who knows, suddenly this meeting is not from God, but from his eternal opponent? I know this story.

A priest and his mother lived in a neighboring village. Both are over thirty. Nice, educated, childless. The absence of children, apparently, weighed down the mother, and she took under her care a girl from a dysfunctional family. The mother and father of this teenager, immigrants from Central Asia, constantly left for other regions, but hardly to earn money - rather, in search of easy money. A girl of about thirteen was left alone, an orphan with living parents. Mother undertook to dress her up, feed her, and welcome her.

It should be noted that many provincial girls by this age even manage to try moonshine with the boys on the sennik. The "Orphan" looked like a mature girl with curvaceous forms, plump cherry lips and a lascivious gaze. But mother saw in her an abandoned child. The girl got accustomed to the family of guardians and began to make eyes at the priest. It is unlikely that he at all paid attention to her intrigues, and for a long time mother did not notice the awkward coquetry of rural Lolita. But she chatted with her friends about her hobby, gossip spread throughout the village and the couple was forced to drive the girl away from the house. However, by that time her parents had returned from another voyage.

By the way, many in this land knew: a certain old man blessed father and mother to live as brother and sister - without marital relations. The worried "orphan" in the context of the situation was a devilish temptation, not a gift from God.

In 2016 in Russian foster families more than 148 thousand children were brought up. But according to statistics, more than 5,000 inmates return to government supervision every year.

There are reasons for this. Many orphan children have experience of vagrancy, drug addiction, prostitution. They are incapable of attachment because they grew up surrounded by strangers. By the way, attachment to the mother is formed before the age of six.

There is another aspect - orphanages in large cities, where orphans, in contrast to the provinces, are better supplied, teach their pupils a consumerist attitude to life. They are fed, clothed, rooms are cleaned after them, sponsors come to them with gifts. In the personal affairs of many children over ten years old lies their refusal to adopt in all cities except Moscow. After watching TV, they are waiting for rich guardians!

What a disappointment awaits parents who find out that their new child is stealing at school, setting a blood child against them, driving the grandmother to a heart attack.

As a result, the adoptive parents and the adopted children part in resentment against each other, and revelations appear on the Internet on the topic: "The adopted child destroyed my family."

To prevent this from happening, priests advise to approach adoption without exaltation, sensibly assessing their capabilities and the character of the child. God gave man the opportunity to choose and discriminate so that we have the opportunity to find the best and not to the detriment of our soul.

Priests - for and against

His Holiness Patriarch Kirill in one of his sermons he notes: “

It is important that our people joyfully, with a special feeling of gratitude to God, accept orphans into their families, giving them not only shelter and upbringing, but also giving them their love. ”

But the church does not have a single point of view on adoption - each priest has his own opinion, and each case is considered separately.

On the forums dedicated to the family, there are many complaints about cases when the confessor refused to bless for adoption. There are many explanations for this. Whoever, like the priest to whom the adoptive parents confess, knows their merits and demerits. Perhaps the confessor saw selfish motives for adoption. In particular, pride is the desire to demonstrate to others your humanism. Or an attempt with the help of a child to preserve the family hearth, which rarely succeeds. The priest knows how adequate and kind his parishioners are, or, on the contrary, aggressive and inconsistent.

Archimandrite John Krestyankin looked at adoption as a religious and philosophical problem, and in his letters to adoptive parents reasoned as follows:

“Arguing with God is a dangerous business. In my spiritual practice, there are many examples when children who appeared in families against the will of God became a scourge for their parents for the rest of their lives, even to the point of premature death. Therefore, I would not advise you to take a child from orphanage... You could do this only if you know the family from which you are taking the child. " “So you justly complain about yourself, seeing in your own child your sins, and mistakes, and your own inability to love your own son. And what about someone else's? About a stranger who will bring sins into your family, and what sins? - their parents and kind. "

Some other shepherds also mention the sins of the family. One could consider this mysticism, but if we understand by the sins of the genus the bad inclinations of the parents that the child inherited, then everything is true from a scientific point of view.

But in general, most priests have a positive attitude towards adoption and set an example to society by creating family shelters - at home or at the temple.

Priest from the Perm Territory Boris Kitsko for 16 years he gave shelter to 160 pupils in the orphanage at the Lazarev Monastery. The first nannies were parishioners grandmothers, then nuns arrived.

Priest from Transbaikalia Alexander Tylkevich adopted 10 children.

Priest Nikolay Stremskoy adopted 70 children, now some have already grown up and have created their own families, study, work.

There are many such examples in Russia.

Fundamentals of Orthodox Pedagogy

The experience of Orthodox family shelters shows that their pedagogical approach is distinguished by common features:

• Care, but not indulging whims, but bringing up the responsibility of household members for each other. Usually older children take care of younger ones. Everyone learns to give in and share, to help.
• Work, usually on a family farm and home garden. Natural foods add to the family's diet.
• Religiosity, not exhausting fanaticism, but natural, reminiscent of the atmosphere in strong pre-revolutionary families.
• Religious Leisure. Orthodox holidays that celebrate all together. Pilgrimage trips.
• Lack of TV or control over information that comes to children - especially films.
• Mode, which organizes children's life and teaches discipline. This is especially important for difficult teenagers.

Orthodox psychologist Lyudmila Ermakova notes how important it is to regulate the life of a shelter child and teach him to order. In a state institution, instead of lessons, he can watch TV or hack into computer games- the educators are glad that at least he is not hooligan. But after graduation from the boarding school, a loose and unorganized young man will not be able to go anywhere, organize his life, it is not for nothing that many immediately slide to the bottom.

Priest Alexander Zelenenko writes:

“Orthodox pedagogy is strong precisely because it has a goal extending into eternity — salvation; builds his building on an unshakable foundation - "Stone-Christ", in whose person he has an immutable spiritual and moral ideal and undoubted truth, is guided by unchanging authority Holy Scripture and the teachings of the Church ”.

Secular parents may have the most bizarre concept of morality, even sympathy for sexual minorities, but believers know on which the world civilization rests. It brings law and order to life.

For 11 months of its existence, it has already prepared 30 graduate families. Ten of them were taken to the upbringing of children. In addition to the standard program developed by the city's Department of Family and Youth Policy, prospective adoptive parents can receive catechesis at school, talk with a priest, and also meet with those families who are already raising adopted children. Upon completion of training, a state-recognized document is issued - since September, such a certificate of completion of special courses has become mandatory for potential adoptive parents.

The organizer and confessor of the school, the head of the department for church charity and social service of the Russian Orthodox Church, Bishop Panteleimon of Smolensk and Vyazemsk, tells the portal about what future adoptive parents should learn and how to cope with spiritual difficulties.

What basic knowledge should potential adoptive parents acquire? And does theoretical training for parenting really help in practice?

Of course, it is necessary to acquaint the adoptive parents with the peculiarities of children who, for some reason, find themselves outside the family. These features, as a rule, are common to all such children: a complex psyche, lack of bodily health, often developmental delay. The usual pedagogical criteria do not apply to these children. Since adults are changing all the time, who live and study with the guys in orphanage, the child does not develop a stable attachment to them, and often he does not know how to love. Traumatized children easily switch from one to another, they do not have some kind of stability in life ... In general, an adopted child is not a blank slate, his soul has already written various scribbles and even bad words.

In addition to psychology, adoptive parents must clarify in detail the legal side of the issue in order to know both their rights and the rights of blood parents.

But in addition to special knowledge, the main thing that future parents should learn is the ability to love such children themselves. And for this you need a constant appeal to the Source of love - to God. Through prayer, church ordinances, reading the Holy Scriptures, and keeping the commandments, the Lord gives us a feeling of true love. A person should have an understanding that raising a child is a feat for which only the Lord gives strength. “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me” (Matthew 18: 5).

Parents, fulfilling the words of Christ, should ask for help from the One who commanded to treat with compassion and sympathy for someone else's grief, especially since here we are dealing with a child's misfortune.

What are the most common motives for thinking about adoption? How to understand if a person is ready to take on a great child?

First of all, we do not work with the desire of some person, but with the family. There is no goal to educate as many families as possible. We try to find an individual approach. It is important that the decision to adopt a child is considered.

There should be normal relations within the family - a conscious desire to have children for all of its members. Necessarily the consent of the husband, as well as blood children, if any. We do not consider single women who want a child as candidates for adoptive parents. But, of course, each case is individual, therefore only the confessor of a particular family can give such advice: to take a child or the family is not yet ready for this.

Courses adoptive parents just what they need, so as not to hide all the difficulties, but honestly talk about them - and the decision remains with the family. You need to realize that if there is misunderstanding, jealousy in the family, then all these problems will increase many times over, if there is still a child from the orphanage, who, moreover, will immediately draw all the attention to himself, because he does not know how to share his love and does not know how to live in family.

Sometimes you have to shoot " pink glasses”From parents who think that the child they adopt will now be grateful to them for the rest of their lives. A deliberate decision on adoption becomes when a person realizes that he is going to a feat for the sake of a child.

Most often, difficulties do not frighten those who have for a long time I can't give birth to my own children. The desire to be a parent is inherent in everyone. Despite the fact that in our time people often do not even think about family and children until they reach a mature and very mature age, as a result, the majority still comes to such a decision. But there are other cases when people who are already raising several children understand how important it is for a child to live in a family, and decide to take another one - an adopted one. It happens that someone else's grief just touches the depths of the soul.

When our own blood child is born, we, fortunately, cannot choose what color of eyes, character, diseases, etc. he will have - parents have to love him as he is. But how to choose a child in an orphanage? And is the choice itself valid?

I think that choosing a foster child is permissible: you need to see and understand whether you will love him, whether your heart will settle for him. Of course, this choice of the heart must be checked with the mind. To soberly assess whether your family is able to take a child, if he is seriously ill, for example, or is already old enough and has managed to acquire some very bad habits - you cannot fundamentally change him. But it is still worth listening to the voice of the heart - after all, the Lord Himself can indicate that this is exactly the same child of yours. Moreover, the child himself should like you.

In practice, it so happens that you are not the one who chooses from a large number children, and the consultants themselves advise - not the children are selected to the parents, but the parents are selected to the children. It is worth listening to these recommendations.

Many parents complain that their own blood children, even in early age, fails to lead to the Church. And what about the children from the orphanage? In your experience, are they able to live with a church-going family?

Knowing the experience of Orthodox orphanages, I can say that a very large percentage of their graduates then do not leave the Church. There are cases that some graduates become the wives of priests.

Without the fear of God in you, you cannot teach it to your child. Conversely, if the ordinances are of great importance to the parent, this example is passed on to the children. The most important thing is for us to constantly be with Christ, to be in search of the main gift, the main goal - the acquisition of the Holy Spirit.

And although we can and should force ourselves to love, fulfill the commandments, and just get up early in the morning on a day off and go to church, then, of course, you cannot force a child. Here, a creative approach is needed, because family traditions godly life has not survived. Every family needs to find its own way. Therefore, it is also important to communicate with other families, share experiences.

- Is there a continuation of the school for adoptive parents - a club for those who have already adopted?

To lend real help, it is necessary to maintain relations with our ward families even after adoption. We already have such a club, and in the future our goal is to create an association of Orthodox parents that would help families in raising children, including adoptive ones. After all, the Church is a family, and all communities should ideally be like that. friendly families where they help each other, and in raising children too.

What today is perceived by many as a kind of exotic: adoption, and so on, is actually natural and normal, and you can learn this only by having a living example in front of your eyes.

Moreover, over time, we must come to the point that such family clubs unite in a parent association and become a real social force - could express their opinion on various dangerous tendencies. In the end, due to the fact that the legislation in the field of social protection children, this association could participate in deciding whether to take a particular child from a particular family or not.

Still, despite all the differences and problems faced by adoptive parents, the life of all families develops according to certain general rules: there are fasts, holidays, common affairs. Parents should take care of their child's churching from early childhood, and despite the fact that many of our adults themselves know little about church life themselves, they have to overcome many difficulties along the way. In this, families should support each other, help.

- Do people with such experience teach foster parents in an Orthodox school?

Yes, the courses are taught by a priest and novice of the Martha and Mary Convent - both themselves grew up in families with many children. Or, for example, some classes are taught by a woman who for ten years worked as a director in an Orthodox orphanage, brought up children without parents - one might say, she lived with them as one family.

But the main thing that I would like is for those who come to the school of foster parents to firmly understand: without God we can do nothing, and that they more often turn to Him. Raising other people's children, without exaggeration, is a feat, but it is important to remember that in the person of an adopted child you can serve Christ - the Son of God, Who gave His life for us and adopted all of us to God. This is the path where it will not be easy, but here the Lord Himself will help you. “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls,” says Christ, “for My yoke is good, and My burden is light” (Matthew 11: 29-30).

reference

The Orthodox school for adoptive parents is one of the areas of work of the Center for Family Placement, a project of the Orthodox help service "Mercy".

We tried to take the blessing for adoption, the father said that it was not necessary (it depends on the father, most likely), and then I still received the blessing. Regarding baptism - we were not allowed to be the chapels of our children. As for the information about baptism, there is not always accurate information, and if you are not sure, tell the priest, he will serve a special service during baptism (even if the child was baptized, then you can serve the service so that there are parents from your family). And here's something else:

Priest Konstantin PARKHOMENKO, cleric of the Holy Trinity Izmailovsky Cathedral, St. Petersburg

There should be nothing hidden in the family
I think that in a family in which everyone lives in love and mutual understanding, there should not be any secrets, nothing unsaid, hidden. When a family lives in love and peace, then the parents have no secrets, "secrets" from their children (and vice versa). But this does not mean that parents are obliged to tell the baby everything to the end, if he is adopted, about how he got to them. This question cannot be mechanically categorized as fair versus unfair. Let me explain what I mean. I believe that adoption is the act of taking a child into a family. Everything. Now he is forever - a son or a daughter. Without any reservations. And if his mother could not stand him, if he was taken not from the hospital, but from the orphanage at the age of several months, what of that? He's a real son real daughter... And parents should, as about their real child, always talk about the adopted one. And rejoice if they are told by those who do not know their situations: what a wonderful baby you have, how he looks like you. Then the child, if he knows from infancy that he is the son or daughter of his parents, will not have any questions. And suspicion. He may ask: "Have you been expecting me?" The answer will be completely honest: "Yes, beloved, they waited and prayed that the Lord would give us a baby. And so he appeared with us."

To talk or not to talk about adoption? ..
Everything is very individual, but I will consider two of the most common situations. If a child got into a family in infancy, does not know that he is adopted, but thinks that he is a native, he does not have such suspicions, then artificially arrange the situation of discussing the appearance of a child in the family, put the baby on the sofa and start telling him the "truth" - not worth it. If suddenly at some point the secret of adoption is revealed to the child, he comes up and asks the parents, then you need to take it calmly, say: for us there is no difference, we love you like our own son or daughter, that's why we didn't tell you ... As a child, I had a period when I wondered if I was the real son of my parents. Then I decided that my mom and dad love me - and the rest is not important to me.

If a child is adopted into a family at a conscious age, then the parents should not mythologize the story of his origin: “We gave birth to you, then we lost you, but now you have returned ...” This is already a lie, this is unnecessary. But there is no need to return to this question if the child himself does not raise it. Just consider: "The Lord gave us a wonderful son (daughter). And we are grateful to Him for this." If a teenager starts to figure out the details, in the brief period (which we all go through) of teenage rejection from parents, his story can be explained honestly and truthfully. Why did he end up in an orphanage. Maybe the parents died, or maybe my mother just drank and gave him away because she could not bring up. It seems to me that if all this explanation happens calmly, it will be calm and accepted.

If a teenager, when his parents do not allow him to turn on music loudly after eleven in the evening and stay overnight with a friend (girlfriend), begins to scandal, demanding the coordinates of his blood parents, believing that they love him and are not like the adoptive ... then the parents can softly (always without hysterics) say: "Son, when you grow up, if you want, you will find the people who gave birth to you. But now, while you live with us, this is not necessary in our family." The main thing is to explain to the child that parents are those who raised, and did not give birth physically. And in general, this is some kind of strange word - parents. A word that emphasizes the function of procreation. Only the Soviet school-government can be worse: a parent. It is more correct to say: dad, mom (father, mother).

My mother told me that a girl studied with her at school, who did not know that she was adopted. I lived and lived for myself. But the parents of one of her classmates knew about it and told their son. And somehow the son, either in a quarrel, or vice versa, out of the kindness of his soul, told everything to that girl. She ran to her parents. Parents deny everything. Then they confessed. Scandal! Found that boy, his parents. They scandalized with them so that the whole street ran out. The next morning the whole school discussed this incident. The girl tried to hang herself ... The list of absurdities arranged by these people goes on. And everything could be much simpler: well, the daughter found out that she was adopted. Well, God bless it. To embrace. Press to yourself and say: "Do we love you less from this? We, dear, have forgotten about it, do not think at all. You are our beloved, real, dear." And never come back to this question. And there would be no shock for the girl. Priest Igor GOLUNOV, cleric of the church in the name of the Konevskaya Icon of the Mother of God at the St. Petersburg courtyard of the Konevskiy Nativity of the Theotokos Monastery

Adoption is a kinship
In the missal there is a succession of sonship, that is, adoption. This prayer is performed when the child reaches the adolescent age of seven years. Until the age of seven, a child does not go to confession, because it is believed that he cannot adequately answer for his actions. If, upon reaching the age of seven, a child wants to become a son or daughter of his adoptive parents, then he is brought into the Church, and this special rite is performed. The priest reads a prayer in which he asks the Lord to make this man become a father (mother) to the boy, and the boy to become his son (daughter). That is, the priest asks the Lord to perform an invisible, mysterious birth, not according to the flesh, but according to the soul: "This Himself, in the father and son, unite by Thy Holy Spirit, confirm them in Thy love, bind them with Thy blessing." In this sequence, the will of the future son or daughter is assumed. And such is the experience of the Church, which does not presuppose the secrecy of adoption in the family. The church specifically says that the child must know what is happening to him. To consciously understand that these are now his parents, spiritual adoption has taken place at his will, the desire of his adoptive parents and with God's help. It is important to view adoption from a kinship perspective. Even the people say that it is not the father or mother who gave birth, but the one who raised. I can advise parents to pray, and the Lord Himself will tell their hearts when and how to tell a child, He handed them a child's soul, and only He alone knows what is best for her.

It’s generally about childhood and childlessness, but, of course, I was most interested in the topic of adoption, because I heard about all the statements on this score from the representatives of the Church.
Quote:
- Many are stopped by the fact that they will not be able to fall in love with someone else's child ...
- There are many opportunities and ways to love. Another thing is when a person wants to love, possessing, that is, to own a child as some kind of property. This happens sometimes with blood children. Parents think: “This is our child, which means that he should be our template, the object of our ambitions. We want him to meet our aspirations: he studied at a certain school, university, and so on. " And they do not see or hear what the child himself wants; do not notice that the child is looking at the world with his own eyes; that his heart is beating enthusiastically and he is admired by those things that are not available to parents. And so parents pass by their child in life, while, of course, loving him in their own way.

That is why people are afraid to take someone else's child into their family. First of all, they are afraid that the child will not be their property, their shadow. And you need to see any child - whether blood or adopted - as not your own, but God's, get away from a sense of ownership in relation to him. Only then can you truly love. And then there will be no fear in matters of adoption. If a woman cannot give birth on her own, she can save the one who has no parents and forget about her infertility. To forget, holding this child to your breast, giving him warmth and affection, but not appropriating it for yourself. Adoption is not just a way out for a childless family, it is their happiness and Christian duty. Children in need of care can be loved even if they were not given to you. You can visit them in orphanages, orphanages and give your tenderness, attention, time. Probably, the Lord is trying to make sure that parents who have no children and children who have no parents find each other. "

A recent anecdote from our life.
Walking with Vanka. He is running around in a bunch of children on the playground, I am sitting on a bench with a granny from one of the neighboring houses, talking. On this alley, after the construction of a playground with the assistance of a local deputy, all the children-parents of the nearest houses hang out. And Vanya and I are either mom or dad. Everyone sees us, and which of us is "black" too)))
So it would seem that everything is clear. But not everyone.
After a 40-minute acquaintance, the granny's curiosity overcame her delicacy and she finally asked the long-awaited question for me: "Who is your dad?" "In what sense?" - I played the fool a little. "Uh-uh ... Well, your dad is dark probably?" "No, our dad is white." "How is it? And the child ???". "And our child is adopted." Stupor. Square eyes: "Yes, you sho ??? And such a boy is good! DON'T TELL ANYONE! People, they know what they are! Do not tell anyone!"
I won't tell you! Nobody will guess!

Some believe that the absence of parents is the cross of a little man, which he himself must carry through life. Or maybe this is the opportunity that the Lord gives us to do a good deed? Many believers want to understand how the church relates to adoption, what is its position on this issue.

Children need care and love

The Christian Church in Russia has always encouraged and approves in our time the adoption of a child who, for some reason, was left without the care of his parents. For a long time she did a great job with children and families who were in a difficult situation. But at the same time, it is absolutely clear that even in the most beautiful orphanage or boarding school, the baby will not receive the supply of love and warmth he needs. Only parents will be able to give it, and it does not matter if it is real mom and dad or adoptive parents.

The Orthodox Church in our country takes care of more than ninety orphanages, which are located both on the territory of its dioceses and outside them. About one and a half thousand children are being raised there, many of them are disabled. The quality of upbringing, living, and the level of child care are much higher there than in state institutions. And although this to some extent solves the issue of single children, they still need the love and care of their parents.

Adopting children is a blessing

His Holiness the Patriarch blesses the parents who have decided to take on the upbringing of a child. He has repeatedly called for children to be brought up into their families if they are left orphans. That is, you can already understand how the church relates to adoption: it is blessed. Many clergymen additionally explain that the child will not be relatives of biological mothers and fathers, but parents who loved him, raised, raised him, the Church does not have a double opinion on this matter, she claims that the adoption of a child is a blessing.

When adopting, it is preferable that children fall into families where there are both parents: mother and father. But it happens that married life did not work out, but there is a material opportunity to raise a child. And in this case, the church does not condemn, but welcomes such an undertaking.

I would like to remind you that we are provided with direct instructions from the Lord how we should act, for it is said in the Gospel that the Lord took a child, put him in the middle of the disciples, hugged him and said: “Whoever accepts one of these children in My name, he accepts Me; and whoever receives me receives not me, but him who sent me "(Mark: 9; 37). That is, if a believer, an Orthodox Christian, decided to adopt a child, then he fulfilled the commandment of the Savior himself.