It is generally accepted that first impressions are deceiving. I do not believe in this. The first impression is just the right one. It arises involuntarily, often inexplicable to ourselves, at some preconscious or subconscious level. This is the voice of our soul, not yet muffled by the voice of reason. And if we try to convince ourselves that we were wrong (and even if we seem to be convinced!), Then it usually turns out that the first impression did not disappoint us. Only to this "later" we are often led by a long, painful path. And, realizing our mistake, we simultaneously understand that nothing can be fixed ...

For the first time I heard about surrogacy in the early 90s (of course, as about what is happening "there, with them"). And the first impression was - outrageous creep. So transcendental that I immediately wanted to forget. All the justifications, all the explanations for the first reaction appeared later. And then only one word came to mind: ANTI-NATURAL. As I understand it now, it was the most correct one.

Close together, apart boring

Having worked for more than twenty years with “difficult children”, my fellow psychologists and I have repeatedly convinced ourselves that one of the most difficult behavioral profiles occurs in children who have experienced rejection of their mother in the womb. Moreover, a woman could not want a child only at the very beginning of pregnancy, and then she got used to the thought of him and began to love him. But all the same, that initial rejection left a deep imprint on the child's psyche. And the consequences for a long time still echoed both in preschool and school age.

What is typical for such children? - First of all, a high level of anxiety. And this, in turn, often leads to disinhibition, chaos. Since the psychological trauma was very early, the experiences were pushed into the subconscious. The child does not understand what is happening to him, and therefore worries even more. Unable to cope with traumatic experiences, he begins to get nervous, angry, rip off evil on loved ones. He experiences especially difficult feelings in relation to his mother - the source of the trauma.

He craves maternal love and rejects it. She rebelled against her, subconsciously avenging the suffering she had endured, and was insanely afraid of losing her. And therefore, the mother often does not let go of her even a step, shows unbearable importunity, every now and then throws tantrums.

“This is not life, but living hell,” the mother of six-year-old Sasha complained to a consultation with a psychologist. - He doesn't even let me talk on the phone: he immediately begins to demand something, is rude, scandalous. We cannot invite guests.

He does this - you will not be ashamed. It is useless to punish, Sasha only goes berserk. And yet I know that he is not evil or harmful at all! On the contrary, too compassionate, vulnerable. Until recently, I could not listen to fairy tales without tears: I was so worried if someone was offended. And since then, as I had the stupidity of reading the Brothers Grimm to him, do you remember that tale where the parents left their children in the forest? - he flatly refuses to fall asleep alone. He will wait for midnight, he will not sleep a wink. And next to me, he also hesitates: tossing and turning, whimpering that it's hot ... We were exhausted with him, both were exhausted.

In such cases, it is extremely difficult, sometimes impossible, to restore broken parent-child ties. But the situation with the surrogate mother is much more dramatic! The own mother, even if belatedly, begins to love her child, and the surrogate cannot afford it, because then she will not give him up. This means that she needs to rigidly block all maternal feelings, adjust herself to a complete rejection of the baby, treat him as something completely alien, having nothing to do with her. Say, it's just a means of earning money. No worse or better than others.

But from the fact that you will say "halva" for a long time, as you know, your mouth will not be sweet. You can convince yourself as much as you like that the maternal instinct is a stupid, outdated prejudice, but when it comes down to it, nature will take its toll.

It is not for nothing that even those women who seemed to calmly part with their babies, subsequently experienced severe depression, sometimes reaching suicide attempts.

But now we are not talking about them, but about children. Studies have shown that when a mother is about to have an abortion, the baby knows about it in advance and experiences an incredible fear. American doctor Bernard Natanzon performed 60 thousand (!) Abortions. But then there was a revolution in his soul. He realized that abortion is legalized infanticide. And he was helped to understand this by ultrasound filming of the abortion of a three-month (12-week) embryo. (Subsequently, these frames were included in the documentary "The Silent Scream." And he opens his mouth wide, as if screaming silently (hence the name of the film).

Being in the womb of a surrogate mother, the child also understands that she will get rid of him. This is evidenced by the ongoing conversations and the general psychological mood of the carrying woman. So the orphanhood complex is soldered here tightly. And most importantly, it is perfectly justified. This is not to say that the experiences are groundless, because the baby will really be abandoned. Well, and the fact that the surrogate mother is not genetic, go explain to him. He remembers something else: the familiar sound of a heartbeat, a voice ...

Mother is the best hypnotist

And another, a Russian doctor, Boris Zinovievich Drapkin, argued that a mother for her child can become the best psychotherapist and even a hypnotist, since her voice acts on him like no other. B.Z. Drapkin explained this by the fact that being in the womb, the child hears the mother's voice constantly, and gets used to it forever. This allowed the doctor to create a special method of psychotherapeutic influence on the child through the mother. Its essence boils down to the fact that in the evening, when the child is already falling asleep, but has not yet fallen asleep (this is called the "drowsy state"), the mother gives him certain guidelines. Thus, it is possible to quickly fight against childhood neuroses, to noticeably correct the deviating behavior of the child.

- I tried to attract dads to suggestion, but it turned out to be ineffective, - said B.Z. Drapkin. - The paternal grandmothers, even those who were dearly loved by the child, could not achieve anything either. Only the mother's voice produces such a tremendous hypnotic effect. And yet (albeit to a much lesser extent), the voice of her mother, that is, her maternal grandmother, because women in the family usually have similar voices.

Families with adopted children also contacted me. The technique does not work on these mothers. The same should be expected in the case of a genetic mother who did not carry a child. At a deep level, she will remain a stranger to him. And by the umbilical cord he was not connected with her, and in the subconscious there is a longing for the voice with which he managed to become akin and which he later lost forever. Who knows how this will turn out in the future? How many stories are known when the longing for real parents suddenly outweighed everything, and a grown-up child began to look for them, knowing full well that they had abandoned him and had not remembered for so many years ... And then how to figure out who is real? Genes, blood, of course, are very important. But the womb is not a taxi or an incubator.

Once I had a chance to confidentially talk with a woman whose son was borne by a surrogate mother.

- If I knew what I was dooming him to, I would never have gone for it! - she admitted. - He, of course, does not know how it all happened. We didn't tell him anything. But all the same, he feels something, suffers, does not understand what is happening to him ... Tell me, can a six-year-old child feel real melancholy? It seems to me that this is such an unchildish feeling ... Everything is good with us, we love him so much, we do not have a soul. And I see that he is yearning. He himself does not know why, for whom, but he misses. I have already said several times: "Mom, I want to die." Just like that, for no reason! - the woman burst into tears and, choking on sobs, whispered: “And when she hears the Ukrainian dialect, she stops… and as if she is trying to find out something… This… well, surrogate… she was a hohlushka”…

Risk group

Speaking about the consequences of surrogacy, you need to remember that, firstly, this phenomenon is quite new, and therefore poorly studied. And secondly, the state of health of such children is difficult to trace, since their origin is a medical secret. Information of this kind was not disclosed.

Nevertheless, some data have already been accumulated. In surrogacy, of course, methods of artificial insemination are used. And this is fraught with a risk to the health and even the life of a woman and a child. “The perceived degree of risk compels the organizers of artificial insemination centers,” writes prof. I.V. Siluyanova, - to add to the document<в соглашение с заказчиками- авт. >such points: "We are warned that children born as a result of IVF (in vitro fertilization) ... may have developmental disabilities."

But the data of V.O. Bakhtiarova "The state of health of children born as a result of in vitro fertilization and artificial insemination": out of 82 test-tube children - 44 (ie, more than half!) Had neurological symptoms. Among the most common disorders: delay intrauterine development- 29.3% (from the total of the studied children conceived by the EO method), 28.3% (of the total number of the studied children conceived by the IO method - artificial insemination), birth asphyxia - 89.4% (EO), 90.5% (IO), neurological changes - 53.6% (EO), 38.3% (IO). And Australian experts found that the average index mental development, conceived using the method of artificial childbearing ISCI is significantly lower than that of those born naturally.

Nature is wiser than we are, and attempts to outwit it are fraught with many new, unforeseen dangers. But the children in question were still carried by their own mothers. Surrogate babies should have even more problems.

How is it with our heads?

“If the child is born defective, I will not take money from you, but leave him in the hospital,” the candidate for the role of a surrogate mother promised the journalist who was collecting material for the article and who pretended to be the customer of “surrogate services”.

As if it was about a defective product, and not about a living person. What's this? Frivolity bordering on idiocy? Or "mournful insensibility" - as schizophrenia was called in the old days? (Which, by the way, is characterized by excessive practicality and prudence, mistakenly taken by people far from psychiatry as a sign of great intelligence and business acumen.)

Be that as it may, the prognosis for the child is disappointing. The mental state of a pregnant woman greatly affects the development of the fetus, these are common truths. It is not for nothing that expectant mothers are always advised not to worry, to harmonize their lives, if possible, to look at beautiful things, to listen to harmonious classical music. And then what is the "quality of the source material"? Who even thinks of looking for such a wild means of earning money? Publications on this topic usually describe poor women desperate to find work. But just as not every poor woman will go to the panel, so far from every one of them will come to the head of selling out-born children. (A comparison of the two "professions" originated in medical circles: dr honey... Sciences, prof. L.O. Badalyan called surrogacy"Biological prostitution"). As the absence of shame is a sign of mental ill-being, so gross damage to the maternal instinct indicates a distortion of the psyche. Although the certificate from the psychiatric dispensary may say that everything is ok.

You can't build happiness on someone else's grief

There are also "moral costs" that people who advertise surrogacy prefer not to think about. "Loss of embryos" during in vitro fertilization is 93-94%. Translated into more understandable language, this means that several eggs are fertilized. And then the "extra" embryos (about 8-10) are destroyed in order to implant one. That is, realizing their dream of a child, the family simultaneously agrees to kill several of his brothers and sisters. And it happens that a woman is transplanted into the uterus 3-4 embryos for reliability, and then a "reduction" is made if she does not want to bear all of them.

As you know, a house built on sand will not stand. What can we say about attempts to create family comfort on the blood of their own children?

Therefore, the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church condemns both the method of artificial insemination, which presupposes the destruction of "extra" embryos, and surrogate motherhood. It is “unnatural and morally unacceptable even when it is carried out on a non-commercial basis. This method involves the destruction of the deep emotional and spiritual closeness that is established between the mother and the baby already during pregnancy. Surrogacy traumatizes both the carrying woman, whose maternal feelings are trampled upon, and the child, who may subsequently experience a crisis of self-awareness, ”the Concept says.

Catholics are even more categorical in this regard. They consider unacceptable in general all methods of artificial insemination, including those not associated with the culling of embryos. And surrogacy is prohibited by law in the vast majority of Catholic countries. Even in France, which has not been distinguished by its severity of morals for a long time.

I wish to go out here!

- But what should a woman do if she wants to have a child, but cannot bear it ?! - people often exclaim after listening to all the arguments "against".

And when you say that you can adopt someone, they object: they say, she wants her own.

Well, what do you say to that? To quote in such cases the words of the Apostle Paul: “Love does not seek its own,” is useless, they will not understand you. It makes no sense to argue that God, probably, does not just completely deprive a woman of a normal, natural ability to bear a child and, maybe, it is better not to persist, otherwise, no matter how worse, it also makes no sense. Such people usually do not believe in God, believing that man is the very smith of his own happiness. There would be money, and the rest will follow.

Therefore, one can only recall the old anecdote about the merchant. The merchant, who has taken a good walk, breaks into the wall of the tavern, shouting: "I wish to go out here!" The owner and the servant try in vain to drag him away, pointing to the door, which is very close, two steps away. "No, I want to go out here!" - the merchant repeats, brushing them off like annoying flies. And a picture half an hour later: a gaping hole in the wall, through which a merchant can be seen writing a pretzel on the road with his feet.

But in life, in contrast to the anecdote, the appearance of such a merchant, even if he really broke through the wall, would be rather deplorable. And most likely, he would not have walked on his own, but he would have been carried away on a stretcher.

What is common in the behavior of a mother and a bird? The cuckoo lays its eggs with unhatched chicks in other people's nests. The cuckoo mother also shifts the care of her own child to someone else - to a grandmother or a nanny.

What is important to remember?

So that the child does not become an obstacle on your life path, did not cause irritation and annoyance, give birth to him at a suitable time for you. Organize your life so that you are not distracted by doubts "to give birth or not", exams, career, professional tasks.

Tune in to childbirth, to the appearance in your life of a new person who needs to be taken care of, spending almost all of your time. Avoid any stress, do not get involved in quarrels and conflicts at work, with friends and relatives.

Accept the child as a gift of fate: with exactly this appearance and this gender. Put aside all your affairs for a while, with joy and pleasure devote your life to caring for your child in the first years of his life. Remember that in the first days, months, years of life, emotions, the ability to communicate, to human contacts, especially with a mother, develop most actively.

Mom investigator

The investigating mother is very energetic, emotional and curious. This woman is powerful and knowledgeable.

Overestimated requirements, inability to assess the abilities of his child, to give him the right to make a mistake can lead to the fact that the baby will first try to say not everything, hide or lie, just to avoid reproaches and punishments. And then whims, stubbornness, neurotic behavior of the child may appear.

Photo source: pixabay.com

What is important to remember?

You cannot accumulate dissatisfaction with the behavior of your child, so that, having chosen the time, an avalanche would throw out all the "investigation materials" on your son or daughter.

Do not engage in a power struggle with your child. If suddenly a moment comes when he does not want to fulfill your requirements - “I don’t want to! I won't, that's all! ”- find out the reasons for this behavior. Maybe the child is not satisfied with the demand itself, but with your authoritarian, harsh tone.

There are few rules and prohibitions, but they should be constant and logical.

And the most main advice... If you feel that you are wrong, that your educational tactics resemble the position of the investigator, have the courage to admit it! Often a mother, fearing of losing her authority in the eyes of her child, avoids admitting that she is wrong. However, you can not analyze and not admit your mistakes in upbringing, but what will you achieve in this case and what awaits you?

Mom - Baba Yaga

This mother tries to achieve obedience to the child, intimidating him with demands, seeking obedience with anger and irritation. If a small person acts in his own way, then most often punishment follows, including physical.

Baba Yaga speaks rudely and categorically with children, only she knows what to do and how to do it, so she indicates, commands, urges, belittles their sense of dignity, does not allow the independence of children. She is easily irritated and loses her temper. Can scream and swear.

Mom becomes desperate at the slightest pretext that, in her opinion, threatens the child, and “infects” the baby with her state of intense anxiety and fear. Shifts the burden of his tension onto the shoulders of a still immature person - a son or daughter.

What is important to remember?

Teaching children wisdom, of course, is necessary. And explain, and lead too. But everything is good in moderation. There is no need for constant pressure on the child, control, intimidation, because sooner or later no one needs a confrontation with his volitional principle, with the forming "I".

Create a cheerful atmosphere in the family, laugh more often, joke, play with the child. Do not expose the little person to unbearable experiences, let him grow up happy.

Mother Princess

There are three types - strict Nesmeyana, cold The Snow Queen, dreamy sleeping beauty. They all look alike.

• Mother - Princess Nesmeyana

Tsarevna Nesmeyana is raising a child too “correctly”, because most of all she is afraid to spoil him. She is demanding and principled, ambitious and obligatory, restrained in expressing feelings and emotions, kindness and responsiveness, always worried and concerned about something. Nesmeyana loves to be ironic, look for flaws, teach, shame, read morality, give instructions. This strict and prim mother does not laugh herself, and considers the noise, fun and running of children to be an empty pastime and pampering.

• Mom - Snow Queen

This mother is not only strict and adamant, but also arrogant and vain. She commands from her throne, and an icy cold envelops the child. Between a calculating and selfish, tough and indifferent mother and her baby, there is an icy desert. She does not care about the experiences and mistakes, doubts and worries of the little person.

Photo source: We ourselves do not know how to live. Why do grown children live off their parents?

• Mom - Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping Beauty Mom is in the world of sleep and sweet dreams. She is in no hurry and does not worry about anything. This mom is relaxed and narcissistic, disappointed and waiting for a change. Does a Beauty Mom have to deal with everyday life, the needs of the child, his diapers or lessons? No, a child is too much of a burden, there are grandmothers for that.

What is important to remember?

Feature of parenting - projection personality problems mothers for the child, that is, the adult blames the little one for what is inherent in himself, but is not recognized for a number of reasons.

Mom does not notice this flaw in herself, but she perfectly sees it in the baby and unconditionally demands something in which she herself is not an example. Mom consciously says one thing, but does something completely different, trying to correct the behavior, character and even personality of the child, without trying to change herself.

Olga Shelopukho

What type of mom are you?

To succeed in creativity, you need to give it all your strength. Often, artists are faced with a difficult dilemma - family or career? In our photo gallery - celebrities who had to give up their own children for the sake of fame.

Lyudmila Gurchenko 4 months after the birth of her daughter Masha sent her to live with her grandparents in Kharkov. After 3 years, Gurchenko returned her daughter home, but it was mainly her grandmother who took care of her.

Elena Proklova married Vitaly Melik-Karamov at the age of 18, and at 19 gave birth to a daughter, Arina. After 4 years they divorced, and Proklova left her daughter to her husband, so Arina was brought up with her paternal grandparents.

Lyubov Polishchuk gave her son, Alexei Makarov, to a boarding school out of hopelessness. She starred a lot, toured often, and her son studied for five days from first to sixth grade.

Masha Rasputina gave birth to a daughter, Lydia, married to producer Vladimir Ermakov at the age of 22. At that time, the singer was actively pursuing a career, so she left her daughter to her parents and for many years hardly communicated with her.

After meeting with Shukshin and divorcing her first husband Voronin, Lydia Fedoseeva-Shukshina entrusted her daughter to her parents, but they could not take care of her for a long time. And the girl moved to her father and grandmother. Fedoseeva-Shukshina tried to get her daughter back when she went to first grade, but ex-husband refused to return it, and numerous courts failed.

Canadian rock singer Joni Mitchell at the age of 21, she abandoned her daughter, choosing a career, since her financial position was difficult.

Clark Gable Until the end of his life, he did not recognize his daughter from Loretta Young, who was born secretly (they were not married), and by mutual agreement, was sent to an orphanage. However, after a while, Loretta took her daughter, however, she passed her off as a receptionist.

The Orange Is the New Black star became pregnant in 1977 as her career was booming. In addition, she did not want to marry the child's father, so she abandoned her daughter. In only 2001, mother and daughter met.

Often, modern business women live according to the principle “If you have done a job, walk boldly”. After the birth of the baby, the mother actively plunges into her life, goes to "parties", lives for her own pleasure. The kid is at this time "transferred" to the upbringing of grandmothers, grandfathers and nannies. Why do new moms do this? Let's try to figure it out.

Life in modern society - a society of contrasts, haste and sheer activation - often pushes women into rash acts. It's no secret that the traditional concept of "family", which was the foundation of human existence, has long been replaced by prestige, freedom and financial well-being. Modern women they learn to do without men, not only in everyday matters, but also in family matters. But we all want to have our own "blood" - a little man who will be a part of us in this lonely world. Therefore, modern mothers famously go to the birth of a child on their own. However, for a woman who, for a long period of time, is accustomed to taking care of herself alone, and has learned to survive, the baby often becomes, as it is regrettable to say, small, but a “burden”. A manic desire for success, popularity and social life does not leave a woman with a choice ... Unfortunately ...

Many live by the principle: I gave birth to a child, I provide him with everyone, because I earn good money, and he can be raised by his grandmother, who loves him no less. Or a professional nanny - and she already has enough experience. A woman should be psychologically prepared for the birth of a child and realize that a baby is not an element of a wardrobe at all. It is possible that the mother spends the first months of life with the child: taking care of the baby, breastfeeding, spending sleepless nights near the crib. And then mothers simply leave their children ... This problem affects all segments of the population, mothers with different incomes. Often, cuckoo mothers leave their children in the care of grandmothers, grandfathers and even dads in order to search better life... Often women go abroad to work, find new husbands and give birth to new children. But what about the kids who were left alone? Is it motherly?

Often, single mothers who raise a child with their own strength and finances find new love... Human feelings are not alien to any of us, but is it possible to exchange the love of a child for the love of a man?

We conducted a small survey among future modern mothers, how they relate to such women and are they ready to sacrifice a child for the sake of a man?

“I have one answer - I would never leave a child and never leave, because for children, their mom / dad is the only people whom they trust and who are around them as natural as air and water. Because if you leave a child, then for him it will ALWAYS have psychological consequences in the future, ”Anna (26 years old) told us.

“I would never leave my child, especially for the sake of a man. I'm sure a mother who abandons her children is a pitiful excuse for a woman. For me, love for a man will never surpass the feeling of a mother, ”says Natalia (25 years old).

We also asked for professional opinion psychologist and art therapist Anna Rymarenko, which told us the following:

“From a biological point of view, the maternal instinct turns on gradually, even during pregnancy (and often even earlier, prompting a woman to want a child). Instinct is nature programmed the desire to take care of the baby, getting pleasure from it... That is, this behavior is not imposed by society: "I am a mother, I must!" - namely, desire and pleasure. This instinct is associated with the physiological restructuring of hormonal, and as a consequence - nervous processes during pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding. It encourages the mother not to part with the newborn for a long time, helps to enjoy the interaction with the baby, and causes strong anxiety when separated from him. If you do not consider the forced situation - when, for example, except for a working mother, there is simply no one to feed the family, then the main reason for the "cuckoo" behavior is just the "non-inclusion" of the maternal instinct.

What can get in the way of tuning this fine mechanism?

1. Unwanted pregnancy, conflicts with the future father, uncertainty about the future - everything that prevents a woman from diving into expectation of a child, to relax, trusting what is happening.

2. The habit of controlling everything, “everything by herself” is often observed in business women who are unable or unwilling to change their lifestyle in connection with pregnancy. As a result, there is no smooth adaptation to the new role, and childbirth becomes very stressful.

3. Complicated labor with a large number of medical interventions - can disrupt the natural hormonal processes of "switching on" maternal behavior (for example, after caesarean section the baby is not immediately applied to the breast, which can inhibit the production of prolactin, the hormone of maternal care).

4. Mother's own childhood experience - for example, she herself was a child of a cuckoo mother or grew up in a dysfunctional (or seemingly prosperous, but mentally cold family). In such a situation, a scenario may form: "A child is a burden, a duty, from which you need to get distracted as soon as possible." And in this scenario there is no place for the joy of the birth and upbringing of a child, admiration for the baby and yourself as a mother. A very common reason in our culture!

5. Personal immaturity of the mother - due to age, upbringing or social conditions of life, a sense of responsibility for their own life and the life of the child, his well-being, unwillingness to sacrifice situational comfort for the sake of the mental health of the baby may not be formed. Often these are rather infantile women, whom the environment supports in this role and does not allow them to “grow” internally. For example, a husband likes to see a pretty doll-wife next to him (and not the mature and wise mother of his children); grandmothers are afraid of their own old age and inspire a young mother: "You go for a walk while you are young, I will look after the child, it's so difficult, you can't cope!" - thereby maintaining their sense of need and importance.

In any case, certain fears are most often behind such behavior - to fall out of life, become uninteresting to men, lose the usual wealth, etc. If you recognize yourself in the description of "cuckoo mother" - do not blame yourself. If you made such a decision, it means that you had reasons for that that deserve respect. But, perhaps, you should nevertheless reconsider your life so as not to lose the main thing - love and contact with the child. Believe me, for him, early separation from his mother is a trauma incomparable with anything. And in order to restore contact with the baby and your own maternal feelings, do not hesitate to contact a specialist, do not be afraid of condemnation. "

“We shower children with gifts, but the most valuable gift for them - the joy of communication, friendship - we give reluctantly and waste ourselves on those to whom we are completely indifferent. However, in the end, we get what we deserve. The time comes when we need more than anything in the world the company of children, their attention, and we get those pitiful crumbs that previously fell to their lot, "said the famous writer Mark Twain.

Love your kids and never quit!