A Russian person has a lot of relatives. And each relative has a strange name that requires decoding.

"Father-in-law" - the father of a husband for his daughter-in-law (derived from "mother-in-law").

“Mother-in-law”, used to sound like “all blood”, “bred blood”, the head of the clan, which unites everyone blood relatives. Another version is “one’s own shelter” (earlier in Russia, the bride was brought to her husband’s house, so the house of the mother-in-law became native).

"Dever" comes from the word "trust".

To whom, if not this man, the young wife could entrust what she considered the most intimate. According to another theory, a relative was called brother-in-law not for the reason that they trusted him, but because, unlike others, he was often pointed to the door (you are not needed here with your advice, do not be smart). As an option, the brother-in-law was pointed to the door after being trusted too much.

"Sister-in-law" - comes from the word "evil", so in some regions of Russia it was pronounced as "zlovka".

This term may be associated with an old rite, when after the wedding, the bride was sprinkled with ashes on her head (her husband's sister also participated in this rite). This word is found in literary works written before the 18th century. The sister was always jealous of her brother for his young wife, and believed that she was doing everything wrong, shameless, so basically the term has a negative meaning.

"Daughter-in-law" - "who knows who."

This meaning is due to the fact that when taking a girl from a foreign clan, or other lands, as a wife, the husband’s relatives did not know anything about her (her customs, character, skills), which means they take someone who is not clear into the house. The etymology of the word is associated with the patroness hearth- Vesta, who lived in ancient Rome.

“Daughter-in-law” is a daughter-in-law, the wife of a son, a brother-in-law, or an experienced wife who already has children (“to be demolished”, “to demolish”).

The concept of "daughter-in-law" is not just a designation of kinship, but also a certain status. Another option - "daughter-in-law" comes from the word "son" - son's wife. But where did the "ha" part come from? The groom's parents considered the daughters-in-law to be clumsy, so they could both laugh at them and find fault (teach). Therefore, the word "daughter-in-law" has a derisive character.

“Father-in-law” - comes from the words: “tyaty”, “father”, “amuse”, “honor”, ​​parent of the wife.

A person who must monitor the observance of all traditions, the laws of honor in the family.

"Mother-in-law" - has Slavic roots and comes from the words "amuse", "comfort". After the wedding, the mother rarely sees her daughter, so amuse herself when she comes. Another option - the mother-in-law comforts small children (grandchildren).

"Shurin" - brother of the wife.

One of the points of view of the designation of the word "brother-in-law" is to scold (it turns out that he was scolded all the time). Another version - the word comes from "SHCHUR". To protect themselves from the evil eye in the old days, people squinted. The brother-in-law is a young friend who knows a lot, so it’s sly to squint. The verb "to make a fuss" was used when knitting brooms, weaving hedges and other products from branches. Therefore, the word "brother-in-law" means related by family ties (we introduced you to ourselves, therefore we are in the same family bond).

“Sister-in-law” - comes from the word “one’s own” (one’s relative is not blooded, but not a stranger either).

For young husband often become best friends.

"Svoyak" - earlier in Russia this was the name of those with whom it was pleasant to spend time, especially to eat and drink.

Later, distant relatives who are not blood relatives began to be called that. In this case, such a person is neither a relative nor a stranger. Even with relatives, sometimes there were no such warm relations as with brothers-in-law (after all, a brother, for example, may turn out to be a non-drinker).

"Son-in-law" - the main meaning of the word is "to take."

Why take it? Because this is a person who took a girl (wife) as his wife, and not money from the bride's parents. Another version - "son-in-law" - a person who, after the wedding, becomes famous, familiar. Son-in-law could only be called the man who brought his wife to his house.

I have been married for 7 years, a year ago I thought that I was very lucky with my mother-in-law and my husband's large family. And he has about 14 close relatives, to whom we went every Saturday. Travel 100 km one way.
His parents never interfered much, did not help, but invited him to stay at their expense, gave tickets, and so on. And for me and my sister even a couple of times)) My father-in-law at work has the opportunity to make free tickets.

Everything changed a lot when I became pregnant (the first child in the family). Everyone began to talk about how much everyone would pamper the child.

My sister wanted to organize a baby shower for me (a small celebration where they congratulate future mother and bring gifts to the child, such as "dowry").
Immediately, the mother-in-law with her sister (husband's aunt) jumped in and said that she was organizing. I asked my sister to also participate in this, so that there would be an opportunity for my mother to participate in this matter via Skype (my sister and I live in another country). The mother-in-law ignored this moment, and when I asked again, she sent a message that she was canceling this holiday and that none of her relatives could spend it, only in a restaurant. Between this case, there were many comments in SMS about what things we should put in the gift list for the schauer, that we should definitely go to the stores and look there, and not just on the Internet. And all with comments, they say, after all, this is your child. The sediment was not good, both for my husband and for me.
I worked 12-14 hour days during my pregnancy until last day(and all night in the hospital while preparing for childbirth), that is, all this stressed me in addition to everything. My husband also worked at the same pace, because it was necessary to have time to complete all the projects.

Then the mother-in-law decided that she was uncomfortable in front of other relatives and "did a favor", and returned the holiday 2 weeks before the appointed date, after she found out that the wives of 2 of her husband's colleagues cooperated with my sister and organized the holiday.
All this got on my nerves.
There was a big disappointment at the holiday, all distant relatives gave very good gifts, but the relatives with whom we constantly communicated presented a full g. and not from a sheet on which they themselves insisted. Moreover, a cheap city, although everyone is very wealthy. To be honest, I was very hurt in the light of statements about how they would "spoil my child." I also asked not to give anything pink, and of course my mother-in-law bought pink clothes.

We did not know when I would give birth, but we warned everyone not to come to the hospital (here visitors are allowed into the ward), I only wanted to see my husband. The birth was difficult for the baby and I had an emergency caesarean. She was born small. I could not breathe, as a result I was put on oxygen and my husband stood with me and woke me up all night so that I would not stop breathing. It wasn't all easy. When the next day the husband called his father to say that everything was fine. Father said that they say your mother flew there to meet you. Naturally, immediately upon arrival, she came to me in the ward, and in outerwear She had to be reminded to wash her hands. I was feeding the baby at that moment, it did not bother her, she stared into the ward and stared at my chest. Which I didn't like. And she began to have small talk with her husband about what she ate for breakfast. After the nurse came to inspect my seam and other parts, the mother-in-law was not embarrassed, she did not even try to get out. It was very unpleasant, disgusting, because my honey was discussed. questions including how I poop (sorry). The last straw was that she took the child from the crib and began to essentially apply it face to outerwear. I am under the pretext that the child needs to sleep and asked me to put it down. I couldn’t even look at her, it was so disgusting and unpleasant for me, and it’s a shame that my requests are being ignored. After that, her husband took her away, she kept him there for 2 hours, although I needed help with the child. After that, she repeated her arrival again, and I simply could not overcome myself and did not even look at her. My husband noticed this and tried to find out what was the matter, I naturally (hormones) expressed everything. To which he sent her quickly to relatives and she did not appear anymore.

My parents gave us $7,000 for our birthday, his parents gave us nothing but the organization of the holiday (the organization cost $200, I saw the bill). Generally. Even when she came to me in the hospital, she did not give me anything. Although they have more opportunities than my parents, who work hard in Russia, although they are already retired.
And all his relatives know that I plow for 12-14 hours to earn money, because my husband has problems in the company now. That money would allow me to sit with the child and relax, and not rush to feed her, then run to the computer to work remotely and finish projects.

All this left a very large sediment. It’s very disgusting and disgusting for me to even think that in a week they will show up on the doorstep and touch my child. If I could, I would stop them from appearing here at all.
I refused all visits to relatives, because I will not take a small child 100 km in one direction, so that his relatives would be comfortable. His relatives did not understand this. Absolutely, well, how will they have to get up and do something, but it is unlikely that he will burden himself like that. But father-in-law will definitely draw.

The situation is complicated by the fact that my mother arrives for a month and will live with us, that is, it turns out somehow not fair that my mother will get this time with her granddaughter, and I deliberately oblige the time to his parents. I love and appreciate my husband and I don’t want to hurt him with my attitude towards his parents.

Questions:
1) what do you think from the situation, I perceive everything too much? My husband has the same grievances, but maybe we are too hormonal now and all this is "worldly nonsense"?
2) how will it be honest with respect to her husband so that the parents how long we have been sitting? Based on the fact that my mother will live with us for a month?
3) What should I do if I feel disgusted to look at them? How to overcome disgust, and how to make sure not to snatch the child from their hands when they decide to hold it. (I write and the very thought tears me apart)
4) how to overcome resentment for the material?
5) How not to offend or hurt your husband?

Thank you!

PS help with tags, free discussion is fine))

As you know, the husband, mother-in-law and father-in-law are acquired relatives with whom you will have to get along until the end of your life. This article just highlights the sensitive topic "Husband, mother-in-law and me."

In the life of every person there are blood and acquired relatives. In the latter case, as it has already become clear, we are talking about the husband and his parents. Indeed, these are those unfamiliar people whom life is not enough to get to know better.

However, each modern woman must necessarily find an approach not only to the legal spouse, but also to the mother-in-law with the father-in-law. And this is where certain difficulties arise, which can be described simply as "they did not agree on the characters." Oddly enough, friction in family life arises precisely between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, and sometimes they reach the point of hostilities. Why is this happening?

The fact is that all people are different, and mothers are very jealous of their sons, especially when they grow up. The woman understands that soon another companion will appear in the life of the child, and the mother will fade into the background. This is where it all depends on the female character: some ladies of the Balzac age accept such life changes as a fact and something inevitable, but others try to resist such life circumstances to the last.

It is just the second type of mother-in-law that is the most dangerous, since the aggression of an adult woman can sometimes destroy a young family. The worst thing is that, it would seem, an adult woman in the depths of her soul understands that she is behaving like a spoiled and selfish girl, but hatred for her daughter-in-law and boundless love for her son simply fall like a veil on the eyes and female consciousness. In such cases, a young girl who is madly in love with her chosen one has a very hard time, but in the name of love she endures all the dirty tricks and insidious attacks.

The situation with the father-in-law is much simpler, since he does not experience those jealous feelings for his son, which simply overwhelm his wife. That is why it is much easier for him to come to terms with a new family member, especially if the daughter-in-law takes care and joyfully makes contact. The worst thing is that such a family idyll gradually begins to annoy the aggressive and wayward mother-in-law, so it is possible that in the near future family conflicts will become global. And husband? The mother-in-law will be able to process her son in such a way that he will not have time to come to his senses, as the application for divorce will already be pending in court.

Is there really no way to find an approach to your new family? In this matter, the main thing is not to despair and not to break loose on new relatives, otherwise the mother-in-law will only benefit, and she will repeat right and left, they say, "warmed the snake in the heart." The best weapon against an aggressive woman is calmness and a smile, which will finish worse than a Kalashnikov assault rifle.

On the topic "Husband, mother-in-law and I" you can talk for hours, but the problems from these conversations will still not become less. Definitely need to act, and the sooner the better. Such activity and initiative allow not only to save the family, but also to get along with an unbearable woman of Balzac's age. Of course, in most cases, such an idyll is rather apparent, but the image of an impeccable daughter-in-law will be preserved.

So, what to do to get along with a capricious mother-in-law? At the first meeting with potential relatives, it is best to keep quiet, while looking around and studying the situation. During the acquaintance, it is important to learn about the new family as much as possible. more information: who is in charge, what are the relationships and traditions, family customs and foundations, and most importantly - to feel the attitude towards you. This is a kind of "reconnaissance", which in the future will allow you to win the battle. Yes, yes, relations with the mother-in-law sometimes resemble a battlefield, and if "you are not the enemy, then he is you." However, with a competent approach of the daughter-in-law, bloodshed and victims can still be avoided.

form friendly relations with new "relatives" is recommended even before marriage, otherwise family life, barely begun, can turn into hard labor. Intuition will help here, which will allow you to feel the nature of a potential mother-in-law, and from the knowledge gained, draw a conclusion on how to behave in her society.

For example, fanatical cooks are best praised, and their culinary dishes are considered "aerobatics" at all. A girl should constantly be interested in how she managed to cook this or that culinary masterpiece, and periodically ask for a recipe. Such an interest will certainly flatter the mother-in-law, and she will become softer and more accommodating.

If a future relative is obsessed with growing flowers, then her hobby can also be used. But how? Always be interested in the life of her "pets", and on occasion present a new unique copy. Even if such a purchase costs a pretty penny, you should not worry, because such waste will pay off with an excellent relationship with a potential mother-in-law. And there are many such examples, the main thing is to find the weakness of a capricious woman.

In general, the idea is clear: you need to find common ground and common interests with a potential mother-in-law, because, as you know, such hobbies noticeably bring people together, making them kinder to each other. It will be more difficult if the only point of contact is the boundless love for the son and the groom, who, unfortunately, are one person. It will be more difficult to get along here, because it is one thing to talk about flowers and recipes, and quite another to share the love of one man.

However, in this situation there is a way out: in no case should you compete with your mother-in-law, proving your importance and superiority in the life of your beloved man. It is best to behave with restraint in the family circle, while trying to devote more time to the mother-in-law, not forgetting to include a common man in the dialogues.

A smart girl should remind her lover that his mother has a birthday, anniversary or other holiday soon; help choose a valuable gift and buy her favorite flowers. An adult woman realizes that a man could not show such accuracy, therefore, without the help of his soulmate, this business clearly could not have done. Such concern will surely touch her, even if somewhere in the depths of her soul, and she will soften for a while.

You can also find contact with the mother-in-law with the help of the father-in-law, who, as a rule, will turn out to be a "cool man" with a shrew's wife. Communication with him will provide support from the rear, in addition, provide information about all the habits, tastes and preferences of the lover's stubborn mother. So even "father-in-law - henpecked" will help to improve relations in the new family and smooth out tangible tensions. In general, the girl's task is to find contact with the future "mother" even before the wedding, since it will be even more difficult to do this after marriage.

The family life of lovers and their relationships also depend on where the newlyweds live. If there is a mother-in-law in the house, then things are bad; but separate housing is a great way to get along with new relatives at all times. Let's start with the "utopia": living with your mother-in-law means living by her rules. This is very difficult, because, as you know, "two housewives do not get along in the same kitchen."

Loving a trifle, up to an unwashed fork, can lead to conflict. So you should not intersect with the "new mother" in the same kitchen, otherwise the conflict can not be avoided. In such cases, it is better to accept and adhere to the rules of a strict mistress of the family, while thinking about moving out of your father's house as soon as possible.

Life alone is a paradise, because at a distance you can love even the latest vixen. Here you just need to call her regularly, find out about business and well-being, and also visit periodically, they say, you miss her. Of course, to go to all family events, and at the first request to provide overwhelming assistance. So, for the sake of the "beloved" mother-in-law, family subbotniks can also be tolerated, but the daughter-in-law for new relatives will be the best and most hardworking.

It is also important to get along with other relatives, because in any conflicts, the mother-in-law willy-nilly will take the side of her blood relatives. So it is best to avoid such stalemate situations, and in general to take the position of a "shy" and once again not take the initiative. In any case, these are the husband's relatives, so let him deal with them. Otherwise, there should be no problems in communicating with the mother-in-law.

So if you wish, you can improve relations even with the most unbearable mother-in-law. The main thing is to set a goal to get close to a new relative, and, as you know, relatives are not chosen.

Photo: Virginia Hamrick/Rusmediabank.ru

How to please the mother-in-law, who, in principle, cannot be pleased? It is impossible because everything coming from you is perceived as a threat to her dominant position in the life of her son. If this question arose in your life at all, it means that there are problems in relations with your husband’s mother. Because in a healthy variant of communication the situation is different: the actual question is not how to please, but how to show sympathy and love, gratitude and sympathy. By trying to please, you initially put yourself in a dependent position, reduce your role, lose yourself and doom you to the eternal pursuit of gratitude.

On foreign territory

Getting into, any girl or woman is faced with the laws reigning there, rituals, features that are unfamiliar to her and to some extent even alien. Initially, she is full of love for her chosen one and involuntarily transfers this love to all his relatives. And that's great. Only here is the rub. Relatives do not burn with the same passion for her. Moreover, they perceive it as an alien body, as a factor of inconvenience, an unusual object that forcibly, without their permission, invaded the territory of the closest communication that is relevant to them. They already had settled relationships, a special style of communication, their own troubles and their own special words, actions and order of life that only they understood. And then - bam, brand new. With its charter, concepts and character. So what if the son or dad (in the presence of children from the first marriage) loves her, she is completely alien to us, we are not obliged to love and accept her.

In most cases, this is exactly what happens. Entering the husband's family is not as easy as it seems at first glance. And at such a moment, a woman really needs support and help. First of all, from the beloved. AT ideal help from her husband’s relatives, who will feel sympathy and sympathy for her and help her adapt painlessly to a new situation for her.

Unfortunately, in reality, it does not have one or the other. And forced to climb out on her own. By the way, here sometimes you need remarkable abilities for empathy, a sense of tact, proportion and sophisticated delicacy, because without knowing it, this woman is walking on a razor's edge.

Firstly, because it invaded a strange world, an established and familiar rhythm of life. If she has sharp differences in habits and attitudes towards established routines, this can cause rather painful disagreements and even conflicts.

Secondly, because she is a competitor for the attention and love of that family member, which until that moment was completely owned (or thought to be owned) by other family members. Here appears both burning jealousy and ardent love, which is suddenly remembered, although nothing like this had ever been observed before.

Thirdly, a new member of the family is simply doomed to close attention to his appearance, word, deed, every turn of his head. Who's new? Fresh blood for drinking is always under a microscope or a glass cap. And every wrong (from the point of view of new relatives) movement can be perceived as a betrayal. And far-reaching conclusions are made, and diagnoses are made, and labels are stuck.

In the first period life together spouses with relatives, a lot of small and large clashes arise that can result in a real war or come to naught if people who rub themselves in this way actually love and value the calmness of their relative who has brought a new tenant into the house. But what about the suffering side in this situation?

Is it necessary to please the mother-in-law and other relatives?

It seems to me that the very word to please already carries a negative connotation, that is, it implies a kind of one-sided game. Or a deal: I will try to please you, and you, if you please, accept and love me the way your son (father, brother, matchmaker or friend) accepted and loved.

If you are aimed in this way, you can easily step into the slippery path of conformity and gradually lose your own face and understanding of life. No one needs to please and no one should try to please! Moreover, it is useless, and sooner or later the commercial project will be revealed. After all, everything insincere, secret and deliberate always becomes clear and the real one is revealed, which no matter how you hide, but the ears still stick out.

How to behave with mother-in-law and other relatives?

Replace the word "please" with the word "sympathize", attention, good manners. Do not please, but strive to understand, help and love in the same way as their son (father and brother), that is, communicate without a special program to win over these people. If you deliberately (and not sincerely) try to do this, they will figure you out in no time. And they will take revenge, each in their own way. And then there will be a sea of ​​​​tears and insults. Why do you need this? Do not try to win their hearts, try to be yourself and behave as sincerely as possible and at the same time tactfully.

Of course, your family has its own rules. For example, you never close the toilet lid, do not put toothpaste in a glass with toothbrushes, do not leave dirty dishes on the table and in the sink. You have a complete order with personal things and personal folders. Very well! Continue in the same spirit. But do not focus on this in a new family. Do not constantly talk about the fact that your home is used to a different state of affairs. It's obvious. And if the comparison is not in favor of the new family, it can simply offend, offend, and turn hostile against you. You don't have to tell your loved one about it. He is unlikely to be able to immediately change the system that has already been established once, but he will still have a sediment in his soul from your inappropriate remarks. And when the opportunity arises, he will remind you of this. Why this list of mutual grievances and reproaches? Wouldn't it be better to accept everything as it is for now, and try to adapt to this and not offend anyone at the same time.

It's great if you have the opportunity to live separately, build your own family, with your own order of things in a separate apartment. And to be a sovereign mistress in the house with her own personal order and disorder. Strive for it. Let it be even rented, but your own living space, where you will not constantly come across closely with your mother-in-law and other relatives.

But if this is not possible, do not despair. Just set yourself up for the inevitable. You will always be a little dissatisfied, even if in words and in public everything looks the other way around. A spiritual mother-in-law who will love and accept you completely and completely and immediately is something from the realm of fantasy. And it is a rarity. Deal with it and calmly accept her coldness if you are unlucky. She doesn't have to love you, after all, just because her son loves you.

Sincerely admire her cooking, order in the house, character, cat and ficus, try to do something nice, help, give gifts and attention. But do all this not under pressure or in order to please, but simply from the generosity of the soul. Simply because she is his mother.

On the other hand, why did you decide that you were unlucky. Maybe it's just luck to find a person who will finally teach you how to wash your dishes and iron your husband's shirts properly. In any case, communicating with different people, especially with relatives, we are constantly developing, growing above ourselves, strengthening the inner core, tempering, gaining experience. And we can only thank for it those who are trying for our benefit.

Highly important thing, which is worth learning in communication with the mother-in-law and other relatives of the husband - gratitude. Try to be grateful to your husband's mother for giving birth to him and raising him for you. She is his mother and that says it all. This is higher and stronger than all other arguments and proofs. No matter how quarrelsome, harmful, meticulous, stupid, etc. she is. no matter what, she is the first person in your lover's life. And there's nothing you can do about it. It remains only to accept.

Try to avoid negative scenarios of communication with relatives. All the more deaf hostility, competition and other poignant moments. If you can't look at situations with humor, look at them philosophically.

And always remember that sympathy and friendship will always find their way to another person, even if he is initially hostile against you. Water wears away the stone. And love and sympathy are ready to melt even the largest blocks of ice. Don't get cold, keep warm. Who knows how life will turn out, and sincere care, attention and friendliness to your husband’s family can become a real human discovery for you. There are many cases when, even after a divorce, the former mother-in-law and daughter-in-law maintain friendly relations and consider themselves close people. Probably, it is worth taking an example from them, because the more mutual love, the easier it is for all of us to live in this crazy world.

Olga Yurkovskaya especially for https://dni.ru

The topic of relations with the mother-in-law is much less anecdotal than the “mother-in-law”, but the number of tragedies, family scenes and divorces in seemingly strong marriages through the fault of the mother-in-law is off scale. The reason for this is the excessive infantilism of a man, often superimposed on the parallel authoritarianism of his mother and the moral immaturity of his wife. As a result - or years cold war, periodically accompanied by domestic sabotage, or a wedding, scandals and a solemn division of property. Let's figure out how to solve this problem. Once and forever.

Divide and don't let rule

First rule building good relations with the mother-in-law it sounds like this: it is absolutely impossible to live together. A man should not be torn between opposite social roles - husband and son. For his mother, at any age, he is a child, small, in need of care and the best in the world. And for the wife - the protector, the head of the family and the father of joint children. And, if these roles constantly stumble upon each other, a conflict in the head is inevitable. Therefore, under no circumstances should you live under the same roof with your father-in-law. Even if you can't afford to rent an apartment, rent a dorm room, but separate.

Realize that a mother-in-law, even the best in the world, will never be your friend. Don't be fooled by illusions. You took away her beloved boy from her, now he gives you most of his love, his time and attention. He buys gifts for you, lives with you, takes care of you. Therefore, if you are constantly in front of your mother-in-law, jealousy is inevitable. As well as resentment and attempts to pull the blanket over yourself. Only one mother-in-law will do this defiantly, impudently, and the other - gradually, sometimes not even realizing that "wishing well", she crosses the boundaries of a stranger, in fact, a family. And then there is a 99% chance that the marriage will either break up or turn into family hard labor. So separate. By any means.

When distance doesn't help...

I often have to remind that the formal age of a person (written in the passport) does not matter. You can live until retirement, and keep the brain at the level of a teenager. It is quite possible that the mother-in-law is reasonable as a fifteen-year-old girl, but considers herself a wise woman. And you, due to a misunderstanding of how to deal with it, are lost.

If the situation is familiar second rule building a good relationship with your mother-in-law - move away emotionally, imagine that in front of you is not your mother-in-law, but one of the unfamiliar neighbors. She calls you with incomprehensible claims, insults, instructive and soul-saving conversations. You feel uncomfortable talking to her. How will you react? And, moreover, how will you perceive her chatter? Represented? This is exactly what your reaction to the conversations of your mother-in-law should be now - this is a stranger to you. And she does not wish you any "good". Since her own life did not take place, she cannot advise you anything smart, but she is offended because you live better than she does.

Rule Three : live your life, and let the mother-in-law live hers. She is not your daughter to raise or pity. Her own adult choice of infantility is none of your concern. Your task is to protect yourself and your family from the toxic influence of someone else for you personally, I emphasize, an infantile person.

Read Karen Pryor's book "Don't Growl at the Dog" and exactly from this book decide which topics of conversation you like and which ones you are not interested in. And how will you stop talking on topics that you don't like. Explain what topics you are ready to talk about and what not - and let this decision become the sixth rule in relations with the mother-in-law. And act in accordance with these conditions. If you do not take the initiative, your husband's mother will blow your mind with her interests and provoke you to emotions with conversations.

Some manage to stir up passions even during a telephone conversation. If you don't manage this conversation, the mother-in-law may grope for painful topics and tread on pet peeves. If you politely endure, she will drive over your feelings with a tractor, hurt incredibly painfully, but a well-mannered girl will cry, lick her wounds and politely pick up the phone again so that all this will happen again.

Tired? Write your own conversation script. You are a smart and mature woman, so communicate according to the scenarios that suit you and stop unpleasant dialogues. No one is forcing you to keep up a conversation that you don't like. You are not under interrogation by the Gestapo, you are free to interrupt the conversation and leave. Learn to take responsibility for your condition and well-being and teach other people to respect your comfort.

She's a grandmother!

Fourth Rule building a good relationship with the mother-in-law calls for remembering that public opinion and established stereotypes are often wrong. Women are afraid to limit communication with their mother or mother-in-law under the pretext "she is a grandmother, she loves her grandchildren." Yes, grandmother, but, alas, not always loves. For many grandmothers, love does not appear, something does not work. Grandmothers may well not experience love on demand. Moreover, you are nobody to her, she may well not love you, but quietly hate you.

However, public opinion says that it is “not good” to ignore the grandmother, and she appears in the house under the pretext of communicating with her grandchildren, but in fact - in order to keep public opinion satisfied. At the same time, a grandmother can bring so much negativity that after her you and your children can even get sick. Remember, are there any such patterns? That she came, said nasty things to you or the children, and left satisfied, but your head hurts? And she attacks you most often - under the pretext, of course, of kindness. She is a native person, how can she give bad advice?

Maybe. And unconsciously. If a grandmother moves away from her grandchildren or does dirty things over trifles, there is only one conclusion - distance yourself. A person who truly loves will not compulsively climb with aggression, he will find ways to interact pleasantly and with pleasure. And this communication will be joyful, not burdensome. If any conversation or any meeting with the older generation turns into hell, a stream of negativity, claims or reproaches - remove this poison from the life of your family, do not poison yourself.

It’s somehow inconvenient to leave an elderly person

Fifth Rule building a good relationship with the mother-in-law will be useful in relations with all relatives and friends without exception. It's about not letting anyone treat you badly. From such behavior it is necessary to wean or reduce communication to zero. The ability to communicate is a necessary skill that every adult should and can develop. If it is important for a mother-in-law to be able to talk to you or her grandchildren, she should do everything to be pleasant for you. Find at least one reason why a strange woman gets the right to control you, give ridiculous advice and spoil your mood? Why do you need it? You don't need anything from your mother-in-law. And her relationship with her own son is none of your business. Your job is to make sure that the husband defends the interests of his wife and family, and not his mother. As long as it protects, there is nothing to worry about.

It's his mom, not yours.

Your mother-in-law is a stranger, says sixth rule. This is his mom. If he wants to communicate with her - let him go to visit or go to theaters with her and communicate. And you mind your own business. If you do not force your husband to endure the mother-in-law, then he should not impose the mother-in-law on you. If the husband does not think so, most likely, you yourself are not sure about the correctness of the decision not to see his mother. You, too, were inspired for many years by the social standards of Soviet society, in which elders must be respected, even if they behave like impudent teenagers.

Sometimes, in response to a desire to stop communicating, they may begin to accuse you of being an insult to your mother-in-law. Answer yourself, how can it be an insult not to communicate with a strange woman, not your mother at all? Where is the logic in this statement? There are seven billion people on the planet - who else have you offended by not communicating with them? These are strangers to you, the same as your husband's mother. You did not choose her to create a family and did not decide to live happily ever after with her. You may as well not communicate with your husband's brother, with his aunt, grandfather, cousin and ex-girlfriend.

If you are confident in your decision, no one will move you from your position. Let's say you are sure that children should only be born in an official marriage - and you will not be forced to give birth before being stamped in your passport. But what about alimony, if anything, and what, if you never know, how will life turn out?

In the situation with the mother-in-law, if you are waiting for approval from me - here it is, I approve of your decision to share communication. Share. Arrange mother-in-law visits so that you are not at home at this time. Go away. Don't visit her. The husband will spend time with his mother, and you do not need it.

Give yourself permission to do your own thing rule number seven and for all time, if you want to be happy. Without doubting, without worrying and without thinking that maybe you are wrong? You're right. At 100%. That's the right decision. The rest of the family system will adjust, will be forced to accept your position. And while you yourself doubt, you get these games in which you are manipulated, and you are a puppet bouncing under the wrong hands.