"Men who hate women,

and the women who love them "

Self-therapy, translation on one leg

1 - Dull face to face
No sane person would stay with someone like me. The only reason Jeff is still with me is because he loves me.
When Nancy first came to me, she weighed thirty kilograms more and suffered from an ulcer. She was wearing old baggy jeans and a shapeless jacket, her hair matted, her nails bitten to the point of blood, and her hands were shaking. When she married Jeff, she was a fashion consultant for a major Los Angeles department store. Her work included travels in Europe and the Far East, where she selected designer clothes for the store. She always dressed in the latest fashion and dated amazing men, and a number of articles have been written about her as an example of a woman who achieved success before she turned thirty. When I saw her, thirty-four, she was so ashamed of herself that she rarely left the house.
Nancy's self-esteem began to drop, apparently when she married Jeff. At first, when I asked about her husband, she burst out with a long list of positive adjectives.
He is wonderful. He is charming, witty and dynamic. He always gives me little pleasant surprises, sends flowers in memory of our first night of love. Last year he made another surprise: he bought two tickets to Italy to fly there for my birthday.
She told me that Jeff, a very busy and successful lawyer in show business, always found time to be with her, and despite how she looks now, he always wanted her to be there for business dinners and parties.
I used to love going out with him and his clients, because we still hold each other's hands, like a furry with a little haircut. All my friends envy me. One said, “He's special, Nancy.” And I know what he is. But look at me! I don’t understand what happened. I’m depressed all the time. I have to pile up or I’ll lose him. Such as Jeff , will not tolerate a wife like me for long. He can have anyone, even movie stars. I'm happy that he takes all this for so long.
When I looked at Nancy and her appearance, I asked myself: "What does not fit here?" There is some kind of fundamental contradiction here. Why would this talented woman be depressed when she is loved so much? What happened to her in her four years of marriage that changed her appearance and self-esteem so much?
I insisted that she tell me more about her relationship with Jeff, and gradually the picture cleared up.
^ The only thing that bothered me was that it explodes quickly.
"What do you mean" explodes quickly "?" I asked. She gave a short laugh.
He begins what I call King Kong syndrome, he screams and generally makes a lot of noise. He also often offends me, as, for example, when we were having dinner with friends and discussing some kind of play. I then tried to insert a word, and he cut me off: "Maybe you can shut up?" And then he told his friends: “Don't pay attention to her. She is always ready to freeze some stupidity. " I felt such humiliation that I wanted to seep inside the upholstery. Then the piece did not go down my throat.
Nancy burst into tears as she remembered a few more humiliating scenes when Jeff called her stupid, selfish, or inattentive. In a rage, he often shouted at her, slammed doors and threw objects.
The more I questioned her, the clearer the picture became. Before me was a woman desperately trying to find a way to flatter her husband, who was often angry and hostile, sometimes charming.
Nancy said that she often walked for a long time like a somnabulist, his cruel words continued to burn her ears. During the day, she periodically sobbed for no reason.
Actually, it was Jeff who insisted that Nancy quit her job when they got married. Now she felt that she would not be able to return to her career.
Now I don't have the courage to even go for an interview, let alone make serious purchases. I do not feel able to make decisions because I have lost confidence in myself.
All decisions throughout their marriage were made by Jeff. He insisted on complete control over all aspects of their life together. He managed spending, selected people to communicate, and even decided what Nancy should do while he was at work. He ridiculed any of her opinions, if it differed from his own, and when he was dissatisfied, he shouted at her, even in public. Any deviation from the course set by him led to a disgusting scene.
I told Nancy that we had a lot of work to do, but I convinced her that it was time for her to feel less of a shock. I explained that we would take a close look at her relationship with Jeff and that her confidence was not completely lost, she was somewhere else. Together we will bring her back. When Nancy left after the first session, she felt more confident and less lost. I started to get nervous.
Nancy's story came as a shock to me. I knew that as a psychotherapist, my response to the patient is part of an important professional toolbox. I establish an emotional connection with the people I work with, which helps me to understand their experiences more quickly. But there was something else here. When Nancy left my office, I felt uncomfortable. This is not the first time a woman comes to me with a similar problem, and I already had the same strong reactions. I could no longer deny that I was shocked by the fact that Nancy's situation was too similar to mine.

Outwardly, I looked like a confident, fulfilled woman who has everything. For days on end, in my office, in the hospital and clinic, I worked with patients, trying to help them gain self-confidence and renewed mental strength. But at home, the situation was completely different. My husband, like Jeff, was charming, sexy, romantic, I fell in love with him crazy at first sight. But I soon discovered that anger and rage lurk in him, that he has the ability to make me feel insignificant, inadequate, unbalanced. He insisted on controlling all my actions, beliefs, feelings.
I, Susan, as a psychotherapist, could tell Nancy: “Your husband's behavior is not like love. In fact, it looks more like psychological abuse. " Yes, but what did I say to myself? The same Susan, who came home in the evening, wriggled like a snake so that her husband would not shout at her. The same Susan who kept telling herself that her husband was a wonderful person, that it was so wonderful with him, and if not, then she was the only one to blame.

Over the course of several months, I carefully compared what was happening in my marriage and in the relationships of my patients who found themselves in a similar situation. What actually happened? What was this behavior pattern? Although women usually approached me for help, my attention was drawn to the behavior of the men. The partners described them as charming and even loving, but they had the ability to turn to cruelty, criticism and insults in a second. The spectrum of manifestations was the widest: from overt hostility and threats to subtle, covert attacks that took the form of constant twitching or destructive criticism. Regardless of the form, the result was the same. Men achieved control by reducing women to zero. These men also refused to take responsibility for the feelings of their partners being attacked. On the contrary, they blamed their wives and lovers for all the troubles.

From my experience with couples, I knew that there are two sides to every marriage. It is easy for the therapist to identify with the patient when we see only one side of the coin. Although, definitely, both partners are contributing to the devastation and conflicts. However, when I began to meet with the partners of my patients, I realized that their suffering was nothing compared to the pain of their companions. Women were tormented. All of them were characterized by a radical fall in self-esteem and many other symptoms and syndromes. Nancy suffered from ulcers, obesity and lost her former appearance, some became alcoholics or drug addicts, others suffered from migraines, gastrointestinal disorders, bulimia and anorexia, insomnia. Their careers were crumbling, their bright future faded. Previously, successful and talented women began to doubt their strengths and judgments. They experienced depression, fits of sobbing, and more frequent bouts of anxiety. In all of these cases, the problems started during the partnership or marriage.

As I began to see a clear model in all these respects, I began to discuss it with my colleagues. All of them were familiar with the type of men I have described, they all had to treat patients who were their wives, lovers, daughters. But for me it was a complete surprise that, knowing about this type, no one has yet given it a full description.
At this stage, I started to study literature. Since the men did not feel the pain they inflicted on their partners, I first looked through descriptions of different types of antisocial behavior. Such people usually have little ability to feel guilt, remorse, or anxiety. As unpleasant as these emotions are, they are necessary indicators of the ethics and morality of our relations with other people.
I knew that there were two main recognized types of antisocial behavior. First, there is narcissism. These people focus exclusively on themselves. They enter into relationships with other people to confirm their specialty in this world. Men of this type often move quickly from one relationship to another in search of love and admiration. This type includes Peter Pan and Don Juan, who are often referred to as "incapable of love."
The type of men I was looking for was different. They look dearly in love, in many cases they are capable of long-term relationships with one partner. In addition, their primary need was different from the narcissistic one, as they needed CONTROL more than ADAM.
At the other end of the spectrum of antisocial behaviors, there were extremely dangerous sociopaths who wreaked havoc around them. They use and exploit everyone who just gets into their orbit. Lying and deceiving are second nature to them. They can be both simple bandits and successful professionals who chronically commit economic crimes. The most striking characteristic of sociopaths is their complete lack of conscience.
However, the men I have tried to describe were often unusually responsible and competent in their interactions with society. His destructive behavior was not generalized as in the case of sociopathy. On the contrary, it was very focused. Unfortunately, it was almost exclusively focused on the partner.
His weapon is word and mood. While he will never raise a hand against a woman in life, he systematically harasses her with psychological bullying, which causes the same emotional damage as physical abuse.

I wondered if these men were getting a kind of perverse pleasure in the pain and suffering they inflict on their partners. Are they really sadists?
Moreover, many of those with whom I discussed my observations convinced me that many women associated with such men are in fact classical masochists, exactly as described in the textbook. This made me angry. I knew that labeling women with poor partnerships as masochists had long been standard practice in my profession and our culture. This explanation for the self-denying, submissive behavior of women was convenient, but very dangerous. In fact, women learn these behaviors very early on and are constantly praised and rewarded for them. The paradox here is that behaviors that make women vulnerable to abuse are considered feminine and sweet. The concept of masochism is dangerous because it justifies aggression directed at women and reaffirms that "this is what women need."

The more I talked to the couples being counseling, the more I found that neither option was appropriate. The man I am trying to characterize does not receive emotional or sexual pleasure from the suffering of a partner, as, for example, a sadist. He sees in the suffering of his partner a THREAT and a reason for RAGE. Neither a woman is a masochist, nor a man is a sadist. The woman does not receive latent sexual or emotional pleasure from partner violence. On the contrary, it demoralizes her. Again, I found that the psychological conceptual toolkit could not describe what I observed in this relationship. The type of man I was trying to define is not found in the literature.
He is not a sociopath, not a narcissist, not a sadist, although certain characteristics of these types are present in his character. The main difference between this man and the types described in psychology was that he was capable of a long-term relationship with one woman. His love even looked especially hot and strong. The tragedy consisted in the fact that he did everything possible to destroy the woman, for whom he declared ardent love.
As a psychotherapist, I know that the words “I love you” are not necessarily indicative of what is happening in a relationship. I know that behavior, not words, determines reality. Listening to the patients, I asked myself: is this the way they treat a person whom they really love? Isn't that how they treat a person they hate?

The pain of this terrible loss lasted a long time, but then something happened to me. I discovered incredible creativity and energy in myself that I didn’t have before. Soon, my professional life gave a powerful spurt. My books were published, my practice grew, I was offered to host a program on the radio. I was increasingly engaged on the air and in the clinic with the psychological abuse I experienced in my marriage. I received calls from women who have been in a similar relationship from six months to half a century. Often, after they described several eloquent situations, I asked them questions:
- Does he consider it his right to control your life and behavior?
- Do you need to give up your favorite things or people in order to bring him joy?
-Does it devalue your opinions, feelings, achievements?
-Does he scream, threaten, or shut himself up in evil silence if you displease him?
-Do you have to choose your words so as not to provoke his outburst of anger?
-Does he unsettle you when he goes from affectionate to rage without warning?
-Do you often feel confused, confused, inadequate when you are with him?
-Is he extremely jealous and possessive?
-Does he blame you for all the troubles in his life?
If they answered yes to most of these questions, I knew there were misogynists around them. When I explained to women what was going on in their lives, I heard relief in their voices, even on the air.

When I was convinced that I had discovered a serious psychological disorder, I decided to test my concept further and discuss it on a television show, where I described the tactics and behavior of a typical misogyn.
At that moment, when I went off the air, several women from the telegroup ran up to me. They all had experience with this type of man. The next day, the channel reported that they had never received as many calls as after interviewing me.
Soon I was doing another talk show in Boston. This time I spoke for an hour, the reaction was even more violent. When letters began to flow to me from all over the United States, I realized that I was in a sore spot. The need for answers was incredible. The women wanted to know where they could find a book on misogyny. They wanted to know more.
I was deeply moved by these letters. These women needed to make sure their feelings weren't a fad. They needed to know that they are not alone, that there are other people who understand them and will not paint with black paint, which is used by their partners and companions ...

2 - The most romantic in the world

Part one - Misogynes

The most romantic in the world
They only fall in love in the musicals of Hammerstein and Rogers. You notice him at the other end of the noisy hall, your gazes meet, you tremble. Your palms get wet when he gets close, your heart beats faster, everything comes alive inside you. You dream of happiness, sexual harmony and unity. This person will understand you and feel you. Even just being close to him is already delightful and magical. When this happens, you are overwhelmed with energy. We will call this state of romantic love.

Rosalind was 45 years old when she met Jim. She is a very catchy woman, tall, with fiery red hair and a perfect figure, Rosalind spends a lot of energy to keep her in this state. The style she chooses underlines her height and creative charm. Rosalind is an antique shopkeeper, a successful dealer, collector and appraiser of advertising works (this is her specialty). She was married twice and has an adult son. Rosalind was very excited to meet Jim because she had heard so much about him from her friends. They invited her to listen to him playing with a local jazz band. Then the four of them went out for a drink. Rosalind felt herself drawn to Jim, tall, dark-haired and very handsome.
Jim and I were very attracted to each other. We talked about children, about music. He told me that he was married and that his two children live with him. It made a big impression on me. He was interested in hearing about my antique shop, because he was involved in furniture restoration and was interested in what was happening on the market. He asked me if I could meet him tomorrow night. When the bill was brought in, I realized that he was a little tight with money, so on the next date I invited him to dinner at my place. He took my hand and held it in his, our eyes met for a moment. I saw how grateful he was that I entered his position.
The next day I thought about him all the time, and when he came the next evening, everything was wonderful. After dinner I turned on A Star Is Born, I'm just obsessed with romance, and so we danced to the music in my living room, he hugged me, my head was spinning. Here is a person who really likes me, strong, ready to build relationships together. All this nonsense rushed through my mind, while I rushed somewhere with him and felt fantastic. It was the most romantic date of my life.
Jim was 36 when he met Rosalind. Like her, he was overwhelmed by romantic feelings; she was the very woman he had been looking for all his life. Later he told me:
She was beautiful, with a figure that could not be overlooked. She had her own business, she earned for herself. She raised her son and, apparently, quite successfully. I've never met anyone like that. She was catchy, lively, enthusiastically accepted everything I do, even my children. She was ideal. I called all my friends to tell them about her. I even called my mom. Honestly, I've never felt this way before. I have never thought so much about anyone or dreamed of anyone. Seriously, it was something very special.

After the third date, Rosalind started writing her name next to his name to see how they looked together. She canceled a number of appointments because she was afraid to miss his calls, and Jim did not disappoint her. Instead of acting like a "typical man," he gave her the same attention she gave him. He always called when he promised, she didn't have to wait weeks for her to call back, work was never more important to him than the need to see Rosalind. Together they embarked on a delightful spontaneous sensual adventure.

A swift romance overtook my patient Laura literally "in the middle of a noisy hall." During this period, she was a successful CFO in a large cosmetic company, a beautiful woman, a light brown-haired woman with almond-shaped eyes and a graceful figure. She was thirty-four years old when she first met Bob. That evening she went with a friend to a restaurant.
I needed to call, and when I returned to the table, a very handsome man was already sitting there and talking to my girlfriend. He noticed me and was expecting my return. From the first second, a spark passed between us. I don't think I've ever been so attracted to a man. He had such amazing eyes that I could not resist. I fell for him so much that I could not wait for us to be together in bed.
Our first date took place the next evening. He took me to a nice restaurant by the ocean and made the order himself. He belongs to the category of men who know everything about wines and dishes, in men I always admire. There was a feeling that he was interested in absolutely everything in me: what I did, what I thought, what I liked. I talked and talked, and he just sat next to me, looked at me with his lively eyes, absorbing my every word. After dinner we came to me, listened to music together, and I seduced him. He was being too delicate. And I liked it about him. Of course, sex with him was just overwhelming, and I got into trouble. There has never been a person closer to him in my life.

Bob was forty years old and worked as a distributor for a clothing manufacturer. He told Laura that he got divorced a year ago. Within the first month after the start of their relationship, they moved in, and he started talking about marriage. When he introduced her to his two children, everything immediately became clear to them all. Seeing Bob's dedication to his children, Laura felt an even greater love for him.

Jackie and Mark's romance began with an acquaintance and from the first meeting turned into serious relationship... This is how Jackie described the meeting to me:
I opened the door and saw incredible handsome man... He just smiled at me. His first words were "Can I call you?" I blinked and said yes. He went to the phone and called the guy who arranged our meeting and said, “John, you were right. She is exactly as you said. " We still had a long evening ahead of us.

Jackie was a diminutive, lively thirty-year-old woman when she met Mark. She worked as an elementary school teacher and raised two children from a previous marriage while trying to defend her doctoral dissertation. Mark was thirty-eight years old and ran for mayor. Jackie remembered seeing his picture on billboards around town. He made a huge impression on her, and she was extremely flattered by his attention.
We had dinner with John, who introduced us, and his wife. She turned to me and said: "I know that you have just met, but I have never seen a couple in my life that would suit each other so well." Then she took my hand and said: "You will definitely marry him." Mark nodded and said to me: “Listen, listen to what she says. She's just smart. " Then he whispered to me: "Now you can't get away from Mark." I laughed and replied: "No matter how you yourself go somewhere." “I'm not going to go anywhere,” he replied. When he took me home in the evening, we were sitting in the car outside my house, and he kissed me, and then he said, “I know this is crazy, but I love you.” It was terribly romantic.
The next morning, when he called me, I told him that I would not catch him saying yesterday. To this he replied: "I am ready to do it all again right now."
Jackie felt as if she were flying on a magic flying carpet. The fact that Mark fell in love with her so quickly completely knocked the ground out from under her feet.

^ We love to fall in love
Falling in love gives us a wonderful feeling. Our emotions and sexual arousal are at their highest, and the intensity of these feelings can be truly overwhelming at first. This relationship can act on you like a euphoric drug: many describe this state as "being in seventh heaven." The body actually produces incredible amounts of enzymes that cause what people describe as a "fantastic high."
It is clear that we fantasize that this feeling will last forever. Throughout our lives, we have been told that romantic love has the magical property of helping us women be fully realized and happy. Books, television, movies help reinforce this belief. The paradox is that even the most destructive misogynistic relationships begin with the exact same excitement and expectation. And despite the great feelings in the beginning, by the time Rosalind came to me, she had a nervous breakdown, her formerly thriving antique business was on the verge of ruin, Laura, a former CFO, lost so much faith in herself that she decided that she was unable to hold on to any job, and Jackie, a successful teacher, mother of two, found herself crying over any trifling reason. What happened to the wonderful, exciting feelings that marked the beginning of a relationship? Why did women find themselves hurt and disappointed?

^ Whirlwind of courtship
I am convinced that the faster a novel like these develops, the stronger the sense of danger should be. But the risk adds to the spice of the relationship. When I am on horseback, the trot is a pleasant, but not particularly interesting thing, the gallop excites. Part of the excitement is reinforced by the knowledge that the unexpected might happen: I might be dumped or hurt. This is the same sense of danger that we experience as a child, riding a roller coaster. Fast-paced, exciting, albeit risky.
As soon as sexual intimacy is added to this, the intensity of emotions increases dramatically. You cannot normally, gradually discover the world of a new beloved, because you do not have time. Your new partner has tons of qualities that will change your life, but you won't see them right away. It takes time for partners to develop the openness, trust, and honesty necessary for a stable relationship. Whirling courtship, however exciting, forms a false semblance of intimacy, which is mistaken for real intimacy.

^ Love blinders
In order to see which partner you are dealing with, the relationship must develop more slowly. Forming a realistic view of partners, understanding and accepting their strengths and weaknesses takes time. With whirlwind courtship, the flow of emotions is so impetuous and powerful that the perception of another person is turned off due to shock. Anything that violates the created picture of "ideal" new love, ignored or blocked. As if both partners are in blinders. All our attention is concentrated on what feelings the other person awakens in us, and not on what his essence is. The train of thought is this: if thanks to this person I experience wonderful feelings, he must be wonderful.

Laura and Bob were captured by the magical feeling that they were made for each other, already on the first date. However, this sensation had little to do with what each of them represented as a person. Laura didn’t express her delight about Bob’s character, she admired his eyes, his movements, the way he ordered wine in a restaurant. She never once said: "Bob is an honest, decent person." Bob played the role of an ideal romantic lover for her, both of them were captured by a sudden outbreak of love and passion.
Laura saw the first signs that not everything was so great when she and Bob began to live together.
We went out to dinner and he told me, “I have to tell you something. I'm not divorced yet. " I almost fell off my chair, Because by this time we had already started planning the wedding! He said, "I feel like I'm divorced, so it hardly matters." I was so shocked that I was speechless. I just looked at him and looked. Then he said that the divorce was being formalized, that he was doing it and that I shouldn't worry. I realized that he lied to me from the very beginning. That is, he made dates with me and all that, but for him it was not important. Yet, in the end, what mattered was not that he lied, but that he was actually going to divorce.

The lie Bob told was supposed to be a warning to Laura, make her look at him more closely, but she didn’t want to see. She wanted to believe that Bob was the man of her dreams.

Jackie was quickly given a warning sign, too. At the very beginning of their relationship, Mark told her a lot about himself and his attitude towards women, but this information was drowned in a stream of compliments, so Jackie did not react to it.
He said that all his other women were interested only in what he could give them. However, he found something special in me - I wondered what I could give him. He said that it was as if I was born, formed and existed only to take care of him. All the others just took from him and constantly demanded, when it was good, they were there, when it got tight, they left.

Jackie might hear that Mark measures all women by the same yardstick, considering them greedy, selfish and unreliable. However, instead, she saw his declarations as further confirmation that it was she who could change his life for the better.

Rosalind also received early warning of possible problems, however, she was unable to correctly interpret this alarm.
On the first date, when he came to my house for dinner, we immediately found ourselves in bed. He had a lot of problems in this regard, with an erection. It was upsetting, but I told myself that many people have such problems with new partners, it doesn't mean anything. The next morning we made love again, it was already a little better, but I still saw that it was not without problems. I thought I could help him get over it, and in general I told myself that sex is not that important. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that Jim and I are so close, my feelings for him, the way he reacted to me.
Rosalind did what many of us do: she ignored everything that did not fit into her ideal picture of love. Jim made her feel so great that she made him a discount on what later turned into an ongoing sex problem that seriously affected their relationship.
Without realizing it, many women divide the emotional field of relationships in the foreground and background. In the foreground are all the wonderful qualities of a person. All attention is paid to them, they are exaggerated, idealized. Any indications of possible problems are immediately pushed into the background as unimportant.
As an extreme example of foreground and background manipulation, a woman falls in love with a convicted murderer. She will tell you that he is the most wonderful person in the world. Nobody understands him except her. The murder moved to the "minor" background, while the superficial charm of the killer took the foreground.
This is eloquently spoken by the phrases that people use to characterize what is happening at the early stage of love relationships:
- I just could not notice his shortcomings.
- I chose not to notice the problems.
- I just closed my eyes and hoped that everything would be different with us.
- I was blind, since I had not seen it before.

When a person evokes fantastic feelings in you, it is very easy not to see signals that indicate someone's past relationships, problems, irresponsibility. Blinders function as a means to remove from your sight any information that could darken or spoil your love relationship.

^ Despair and coalescence
Another frequently recurring theme in the early stages of misogynistic relationships is the feeling of latent despair in partners, each of whom has an urgent need to bond with the other.
Mark told me, "I got so attached to Jackie because I was afraid if I didn't, I would lose her." Mark's statement speaks not only of his love for Jackie, but also of a sense of panic.
On our second date, I laid it out straight. I told her what kind of life I want to lead and that we will get married. I asked her if she was dating someone else, and when she said she was dating, I told her to get it over with because now she would only be dating me. I knew it was exactly that, and I wanted her to think the same.

For Jackie, Mark's persistence was proof of his intention to completely surrender to their relationship.

Laura's despair was related to something else. She met Bob two months after she turned thirty-five. Laura was dominated by her traditional Italian family, demanding marriage and children from her. When Bob started talking about marriage in the first month, Laura was not only flattered, she felt relief. An outside observer of such whirlwind romances might say, "What's the rush?" It is clear that when people meet, fall in love, move in and start making wedding plans within a few weeks, it is not just about love and the desire to be together.
These people experience an increased, almost unbearable need for the fastest possible dissolution, "merging" with another person. Their separate self becomes secondary, love comes to the fore. They begin to live with the feelings of a partner. Each change in mood is immediately transferred to the next. Often work, friendships, and other pursuits become secondary. An incredible amount of energy goes into that. To love, to be loved, to receive approval from a loved one, psychologically partners are fused with each other.
The magic of this relationship lies in the urgent need for constant unity.

Rescue
Rescue is another important ingredient in the Glue Supercement cocktail of misogynistic relationships. It creates a special bond that gives a woman a sense of her need and heroism.
Much of the admiration Jackie experienced in the early stages of her relationship with Mark stemmed from the abundant maternal feelings she felt for him. She was going to give him something that no one had given before, her love was supposed to reward him for all the past hardships of life. He had to become a successful, responsible person, which, as she believed, was hidden in the depths. Here's how she explained it:
During our second meeting, he told me all about his financial situation, and I was pleased that he was so open with me, so I forced myself to come to terms with the fact that he is thirty-eight years old, but he has no job. Ultimately, he just ran for mayor, someone else had to lose the election. He painted me a great picture of his future prospects and was so gentle, charming and charming that I was sure that with my help he would achieve everything very quickly. I decided to give him the love and support he needed to get back on his feet.

Jackie believed that she could magically remake Mark with the power of her love. For many women, this sensation serves as a powerful aphrodisiac. It gives them the opportunity to see in themselves a goddess, mother earth, a healer. Her love will heal him, whatever his problems are: finances, drugs, alcoholism, unsuccessful relationships with women. When a woman gives, helps, provides, she forms an illusion of her own strength and power. For her, this is heroism: she turns into a noble savior, because with her help he will become a different person.
However, there is a big difference between helping and saving. We all need help from time to time hard times... You can help with finances, show empathy, offer support, all of which will make your partner feel like you are on their team. But I'm talking about people here who have proven they can take care of themselves. Their troubles are temporary. Help in this case is temporary, not permanent.
Rescue is a repetitive pattern of behavior. A person always needs your help, difficult circumstances are his usual state. He is characterized by significant instability in his professional and personal life. He also constantly blames everyone else for his failures.
Let's compare:
1. I have always been a hard worker, honestly repaid debts. The company he worked for was sold, his rate was cut. He needs to borrow money to change his position until he finds a new job. He is actively looking for her, and when he finds, he immediately begins to repay you a debt.
2. A person with frequent long periods of financial chaos, constantly comes to you for you to rescue him. He just can't find a job that he likes, doesn't get along with his superiors. When he finally finds a job, makes little or no effort to repay your help.

Rosalind noticed that Jim was in financial trouble as soon as she met him, and immediately decided to help him by inviting him to her house on a date. A few weeks later, she proposed that he and his two teenage children move in with her until he found work in the orchestra. "He said that I am the most amazing woman in the world, and that now that I have appeared in his life, everything will change." Soon they finally found themselves in the content of Rosalind.
At first, Jim's gratitude intensified his love for her. If he had loved her before, now that she took care of him, he just went crazy over her. For Jim, like many other misogines, caring is proof of true love.
Many women bask in the rays of gratitude from their partners, feeling themselves really needed and desired. Without a doubt, it is great to help your partner and feel that love and giving makes his life better. His ardent gratitude can create such a wonderful feeling that you may even consider it sufficient reward.
However, not all misogynists need salvation. Many of them have financial stability and have realized themselves professionally. But the more successful the misogine is, the more he will insist on the woman's absolute dependence on him.
The misogines who have not achieved stability need to be saved. This instability can manifest itself in the most in different ways: financial problems, alcohol, drugs, gambling, messy relationships, inability to keep a job. The person sends an alarming signal for someone to save him. Many women, especially those who have built successful careers, rush to the rescue with a lifebuoy, only to end up without a solid ground under their feet.

Not every emotionally charged romance is misogynistic. Of course, a relationship that starts out with passion can ultimately turn into something good. However, if along with absorbing love you sense any of the above - salvation, panic, despair, merging or coupling too quickly, and deliberate blindness - this is a signal that you are steering your ship into very turbulent waters.

^ 3-Sobering slap in the face and subsequent educational moments

End of the honeymoon

The first warning that Prince Charming has not only light but also dark sides is usually received during a seemingly insignificant conflict. The woman is especially confused by the fact that the partner goes from mercy to rage and inexplicable attacks.
Laura had her first such incident on Christmas Eve, when she and Bob had lived together for four months. Here's how she describes it:

“That evening I wrapped my presents late. He said he was going to bed and wanted me to go to bed too. I said that I would come as soon as I finished, and then he fell off the chain. He said he wanted me to go to bed immediately... We had already made love that evening, so I knew that was not the case. But I've never seen him so angry. Before I could turn around, he was already shouting at me, calling me rubbish and selfish. Then he slammed the bedroom door so hard that the whole apartment shook. I sat down in absolute shock. I didn't know what to think, but I explained this explosion to myself with pre-holiday worries and all sorts of such things. "

Laura was so caught up in Bob’s feelings most of the time that she didn’t want to see the sudden change in mood as a very real alarm. If she hadn't been so carried away by these love feelings, she might have been able to pull back and realize that Bob is not in control of his rage. This was an extremely important sign that later greatly influenced her life. However, instead of seeing in this outburst a warning that her lover is capable of childish and aggressive antics, Laura came up with an excuse for them.

^ Find explanations for his actions

Rationalization is an attempt to provide a logical explanation for the phenomena that interfere with our good feelings, a way of making the unacceptable acceptable. By justifying things that would otherwise stress us, we rationalize awkward and sometimes frightening situations. Rationalization differs from blindness, which I talked about in the first chapter, in that we SEE and understand that the situation is causing us inconvenience, but in this case we do not pretend that there is no problem, but simply put a less intimidating label on it.
Rosalind began making excuses for Jim's irresponsible behavior shortly after he moved in with her. Here's what she told me.

“Jim very rarely played for money. He tried to join various jazz bands, but most of their leaders had no idea about jazz. Musically, I knew Jim was right, but in terms of money, I would like him to be more flexible. "

Rosalind found a good excuse for Jim's inability to get a full-time job in a jazz band. As it turned out, Jim has a disgusting character, he always came into conflict with the leadership. However, each time she attributed this to someone else's musical illiteracy, and not to Jim's problematic character.

I will give examples of statements I have heard from women who are trying to justify the behavior of their partners.
- Yes, he was married three times, but no one understood him before as I did.
- I know that he failed several times in business, but he had many dishonest partners who simply ruined him.
- He says terrible things about his ex-wife, but I can not blame him for that, because she is catastrophically greedy selfish.
- I know that he drinks too much, but it is very difficult for him now, as soon as everything is over, he will stop.
- He really scared me when he started yelling at me, but he is now in terrible stress.
- He was furious when I objected to him, but who likes it when he is objected?
- I cannot blame him for being angry, because he had such an unhappy childhood.

Any woman who says, "He did it because ..." to justify breakdowns or outbursts of aggression, rationalize.
It’s hard to be nice all the time, and we don’t expect it from ourselves or from others. And of course, at times we need to be aware and accept the fact that a loved one is experiencing stress or heightened reactions. I'm not talking about people who are generally kind and decent, although sometimes they lose their temper. These people then realize their responsibility for such breakdowns and sincerely regret that they took out their irritation on their loved ones.
Misogynists are a completely different matter. They do not feel any remorse after being vented on someone else's irritation. Moreover, the women who are next to them every time more and more will have to try to find a reasonable explanation for these disgusting antics.
Rationalization is a completely natural reaction for a person, which does not necessarily serve as an indicator of a serious problem, unless at some point it turns out that you are regularly beginning to justify your partner's unacceptable behavior. The more often he attacks you, the more explanations you will have to look for in order to endure all this.

^ Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde games

If misogynists were always angry and sarcastic, all female ingenuity in seeking explanations would soon be exhausted. However, in between flashes, they are sweet and loving, just like when you first met. Unfortunately, good times support your erroneous belief that all troubles are just a nightmare, and not even the true self of your loved one. When he shows his love, you continue to hope with a vengeance that everything will be wonderful from one moment or another. However, you can never predict his subsequent reaction, as it changes each time. This behavior is beautifully captured in Robert Louis Stevenson's classic tale of the dark and light sides of the human soul, which is why I called it the game of Dr. Geill and Mr. Hyde.
Laura was completely taken aback when, shortly after the Christmas outbreak, Bob's behavior became completely unpredictable. He could still be passionate and sweet, but playing Jekyll and Hyde gradually became the mainstream model in relationships.
“One evening we had a violent fight. I was completely exhausted and thought about how to fly to the pillow, but he wanted to make love. I told him that I had no strength, but he was not ready to accept it. He immediately became personal. He thought I was rejecting and fooling him. He was so furious that he jumped out of bed and punched a hole in the closet door. I was terrified. I told him that I would not tolerate this anymore. Then he began to cry. He threw himself at my feet and began to sob. He promised that he would change, that it’s just very difficult for him now. He begged me to understand how difficult it is for him. I was so confused by all of this that I didn't know what to do. He weeps at my feet and swears that he loves me more than anyone else in the world. I hugged him and tried to calm him down. Naturally, it all ended in reconciliation in bed. I decided that the worst is over and that now everything will be just wonderful. "

Laura and Bob hung on an emotional pendulum. She faced now tender love, now with unpredictable outbursts of rage. Nothing is more confusing or confusing than this swing. They create extraordinary emotional stress because you never know what to expect. Most of all, this situation resembles the behavior of people obsessed with gambling, who sometimes, of course, get what they want, but not always. Their anxiety is off the charts, but the hope of winning keeps them in the game.
Likewise, Bob's loving demeanor convinced Laura that this was temporary trouble, in fact "he is not at all like that." Thanks to Bob's ambivalence and the ever-changing causes of rage, Laura was hooked.
So far we have talked about the behavior of the misogine himself. However, the woman's behavior plays crucial role at this stage. Once she resigns herself to the attack on her self-esteem and allows herself to be humiliated, she essentially paves the way for new attacks. Compare Laura's behavior to how my friend Katie defended herself.
“Once I met a man and went with him to Mexico City. At first he was just the very charm, and we were very good together, but suddenly he turned into a monster. He decided that I had tipped the taxi driver too much and started yelling at me right in the middle of the street. I don't know why he suddenly decided that he could get away with it, but he attacked the wrong one. I told him that I did not intend to put up with such treatment, that if he tried again, I would immediately leave. It was like silk for a day or two, and then it exploded again. And then I left. "
Unlike Katie, Laura has successfully shown Bob the bar of violence she can endure. Bob's apologies and confessions put Laura's vigilance to sleep, she decided that he was genuinely sorry. It is possible that at this particular moment he REALLY regretted. If his subsequent behavior confirmed his remorse, Laura would have no problem, but it lasted just long enough to hook her, which was followed by new outbursts of rage.
As soon as you agree to play Jekyll and Hyde, from flash to apology, from rage to tenderness, you gradually get more and more painful.

^ Blame yourself
The principle is this: if he can be so wonderful, then I am doing something that spoils everything.
The misogin supports this belief, reminding him that he would always be nice if you stopped that, change that, become this or that. There is a great danger in such views.
Your subsequent attempt to justify the breakdown in the relationship turns out to be a sharp jump in the wrong direction. Instead of recognizing the problematic nature of your partner's behavior, you try to find an explanation or justification for him and thereby take responsibility for his actions.
This is what Laura remembered.
“Whenever I didn’t rush to him at the first word, he said that I was an egoist who didn’t know how to give and give in. He told me that I was thirty-five years old and had never been married, so you shouldn't expect me to be close or understand what a family is. So he was married and knows what it is. I thought maybe he was right. Maybe I'm really selfish. And then I started to doubt myself. "
Bob turned the arrow on Laura and stabbed her at the most sore spot.

Not all misogynists express their discontent as emotionally as, for example, Bob. Some do it in a quiet, delicate, but equally destructive manner. Just like another patient of mine, a former actress who played in commercials, who was married to a psychologist.
Paula met Jerry in college. They had been married for eighteen years and had four children. When Paula came to me, she was about forty years old. A very pretty woman dark hair, large expressive Brown eyes, strong figure. She told me that Jerry began to criticize her shortly after her engagement and that she was amazed at the transformation of a loving groom into a scathing critic.
“Once, after the ceremony, we went to the fair where Chuck Berry was performing. I wanted to listen to him, but Jerry began to laugh at me and say that this music is primitive, terrible, that he does not understand at all how anyone in his right mind would listen to it. He accused me of having neither taste nor culture. He looked at me as if I had just come down from a tree. I knew that he was right, that I always listen to the same music that I loved at school. And it is true that I am not that educated and advanced in comparison with him. I'm very provincial. "
Paula explained that she was to blame for everything, called herself a "provincial" and began to extol Jerry's intelligence to the skies. And Jerry did not let her forget for a second about his claims to intellectual superiority. In the same way, Laura quickly tried to convince me that she was truly "selfish, capricious, and unable to give."
When I told Laura that she was too demanding of herself, and asked where she got all this from, she replied that Bob said so, and he was right. She is truly selfish, and he has every right to be angry.
Paula and Laura justified psychological abuse from their partners by placing the blame on themselves. They were convinced that if they found the "magic key", they would be able to behave in such a way that their partners were happy, and they would again become tender and loving. Paula and Laura seem to be saying: “I guess I just need to listen to what he says, do as he asks, and then everything will be fine. If I am to blame for everything, and the degree of my guilt is determined by him, then, therefore, he can help me become better. "
Unfortunately, the misogin's requirements change all the time. What pleases him today is unlikely to satisfy tomorrow. It is impossible to know what will make him mad next time. Gradually, trying to figure out how to please him becomes the meaning of your life.
Rosalind listened sympathetically to Jim's complaints about the unfeeling jazz band leaders until he turned his rage on her.
“I asked him what I needed to fix so that he wouldn’t be so angry with me anymore. Naturally, he was happy to explain to me, but his mood did not change as a result of this, because I did something wrong all the time. "
Rosalind and Jim discovered an additional bond that binds them, the essence of which was that they both blamed Rosalind for all the trouble.

^ His disappointment
When Honeymoon ends, it ends for both partners. No one lingers for an extra day at a wedding hotel. While the woman feels confused and bewildered by the change in attitude, her partner also experiences a kind of frustration. Since he idealized her so in the beginning, he will inevitably be disappointed. This is how Jackie remembers it:
“Mark told me that if he needed to sketch ideal woman, then he would draw me as I am. I was impeccable perfection for him. "
This idealization on Mark's part gave Jackie a wonderful sense of spiritual flight. It’s easy to see why she didn’t notice the potential danger. The fact is that Mark did not see in her a human being with flaws, vices, capable of making mistakes, like all of us. Instead, he deified her, saw in her a supreme being and, of course, expected that it would always be so.

^ You gotta be perfect
Nancy and Jeff (we talked about them in the introduction) dated for six months until this happened:
“We were at a wonderful concert. When it ended, we sat and waited until the aisles were empty. When I got up, he asked: "Where are you in a hurry?" And then he flew into a rage and shouted at me: “We will get up when I say it's time to go! Lord, how wild you are! " He was so furious, and I could not understand what was the matter. Then he paraded in front of me to the car and did not speak to me all the way. It was terrible, I didn't know what to do. I thought I had done something terrible, because they don't get so angry over trifles. "

However, misogynists can get angry over the most complete trifles. They explode for minor reasons. He is a maximalist, he exaggerates, he inflates an elephant out of a fly. His partner might have forgotten to drop by the dry cleaner, the toast burned out, the toilet paper ran out. In seconds, from a goddess, she turns into a criminal. It was enough for Nancy to hurry to leave after the concert for Jeff to unleash the full force of his rage on her. But Nancy did the opposite - she downplayed his anger, resigned herself to these senseless attacks and removed from him part of the responsibility for the aggression. The paradox of the situation was that, as a result of this minor incident, Nancy had maximized her guilt and minimized Jeff's guilt. Nancy told me that Jeff always explained to her directly and unambiguously that it was she who spoiled their relationship. He told her that he was disappointed. He thought much better of her. He felt cheated. Where is the ideal woman he was in love with?

^ You must read his mind
The misogyn expects his partner to know what he is thinking and what he is feeling, without a single effort on his part. Mizogin expects that the partner will foresee all his needs and that this foresight and fulfillment of his desires will become the main priority of her life. She must grasp on the fly what he wants. The ability to read his mind is proof of her love. He can say, for example:
-If you loved me, you would have guessed what I was thinking.
-If you were not so preoccupied with yourself, you would understand what I wanted.
-If you really loved me, you would know that I am tired.
-If my wishes were really important to you, you would know that I do not want to go to the cinema.
The phrase “you should have known” implies that you must have the ability to look into the soul of your partner and grasp on the fly every thought and desire. He does not have to explain, you must be a clairvoyant. If a woman does not have extrasensory perception, this becomes proof of her imperfection. Well, and the basis for further aggression on his part.

^ You must flow milk and honey for him endlessly
The typical misogin expects his partner to be an inexhaustible source of total selfless love, admiration, care, approval and support for him. He enters into a relationship with a woman like a hungry, demanding baby in the silent expectation that she will give him everything she can and satisfy all his desires.
Soon after Jackie married Mark, she discovered that he had lied to her that he had paid several important bills. He should have dealt with them, but he didn't. When she asked him about these accounts, he flew into a rage.
“He accused me of not loving and not understanding him. He said that I was playing against him. He has friends who behave a hundred times worse, get drunk every night, are completely broke, but their wives have not stopped loving and supporting them. Why am I not capable of such love? As a result, it turned out that I am a real villain, because I dared to ask him why he did not pay the bills. "
According to Mark, whatever he does, Jackie should not be upset, should not ask questions, she should only love and give him gifts. In his mind, he himself was loving, caring and generous. He wanted to give all this to the amazing woman he had found, but soon, when he discovered that she "did not flow with milk and honey," he felt betrayed and began to attack her.

^ You must be stronghold and support

Jim, Rosalind's partner, did not see in her another, independent person who has his own needs and feelings. This is what he told me:
“I thought she was completely on my side, but suddenly one day at the beginning of our relationship, she began to carry some kind of childish nonsense. God, what a disappointment it was. I could not believe that this was the very woman with whom I was so in love. "

In reality, Rosalind was a strong, knowledgeable, independent woman. But she, like everyone else, had her ups and downs. And when she dared to show her weakness, Jim was disgusted and contemptuous. Rosalind said:
“For the first time in his life, he saw me bruised. He was shocked. “Who are you to break down like this and cry? Why can't you be strong all the time and take care of everything? " That's what he made me feel. I thought he would leave me. I ended up apologizing. I tried to make amends, but I didn’t get the feeling that he didn’t see a person in me. ”

When Rosalind burst into tears, her image of the ideal woman was shaken. From Jim's point of view, she no longer deserved his kindness.

Idealization is a double-edged sword. She gives a wonderful sensation that flatter, but at the same time hides from the woman that she is doomed to failure. It is impossible to be all the time on the pedestal on which the misogin puts you, because you have no right to make a mistake. If the partner is in bad mood or behaves in a way that the misogin does not like, he sees in this her imperfection. He hired a goddess as his girlfriend, and she does not fit the official schedule. His contempt and disappointment, in fact, gives him the right to move from expressions of love to criticism, accusations and resentments.
Usually, misogynists are disappointed at the very beginning of a relationship. However, as the feelings of love and excitement still continue, rage quickly fades into the background. Even if a woman experiences shock, it is just one false note in the general symphony of good feelings.
At first, the misogyn's outbursts of anger are rare. They do not become the norm until there are any obligations between partners, a declaration of love, a convention, an engagement, or a marriage. And when the misogin realizes that the victim is on the hook, the situation quickly changes.

(http://stellkind.livejournal.com/444974.html)

Susan Forward is a Ph.D., internationally renowned psychotherapist, teacher and author.

Her books Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts and You Don "t Know Why, Emotional Blackmail have been translated into more than fifteen languages. Susan Forward has been in private practice for over 20 years, teaching and consulting in several medical and mental health facilities in Southern California She is a radio and television broadcaster.

Books (3)

Men who hate women and women who love them

Each of those women who for a long time was in a misogynistic relationship, had to make a barter deal: to give a part of herself in exchange for peace in the house.

You may have had to quit or slow down a promising career, academic achievement, or other pursuits that your partner disapproves of. You may also have had to give up people you love because your partner was jealous of them or saw them as a threat.

How amazing will you feel when you realize that nothing prevents you from regaining everything that was once dear to you!

Toxic parents

The problem of violence against children in the family is considered in the book from the standpoint of the theory of codependency and the "inner child", a certain part of our personality, which, due to unfavorable external circumstances in early childhood, did not manage to grow up, and which sabotages our attempts in adulthood to get rid of destructiveness in our lives.

Emotional blackmail

"If you really loved me ..."
"And this is after what I have done for you!"
"Why are you so selfish? .."
And - the worst thing - "I will die, and you will regret!"
How many times have you heard that ?!
How many times have you been shamelessly blackmailed ?!
Your loved ones love you, of course ... but that doesn't stop them from using emotional blackmail against you!
Don't be manipulated!
Read this awesome book and you will learn how to resist pressure!

Reader Comments

Not a great mind/ 2.11.2018 Endlessly grateful to Susan! A brilliant author and even more brilliant therapist. He is very sensitive to the pain of others and knows how to heal.

Galina/ 19.09.2018 Yes, apparently I have suffered in life from parents and husbands to compose such works! And for her children, if they exist, she is just an ideal mother!

Ekaterina/ 08/23/2018 I am delighted with Susan's books. They changed me. I have become much happier.

Taysi/ 04/27/2018 One of the few books that changed me

Andrey/ 11/7/2017 The book "Emotional Blackmail" is written in simple language and is very effective in solving everyday problems that every person has encountered at least once in his life. A description of toxic relationships and techniques for their improvement are given.

Inga/ 23.10.2017 Thank you very much. Important books!

Hope/ 03/16/2017 I thank the site for the opportunity to read wonderful books. Emotional Blackmail has helped me and other people change difficult relationships for the better!

Susan Forward

Susan Forward, Ph.D. with Donna Frazier

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

Copyright © 1997 by Susan Forward

Published by arrangement with HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.

© Savinov A., translation into Russian, 2017

© Design. LLC "Publishing house" E ", 2017

I told my partner that I was going to go to class once a week in the evenings, and he began to chastise me with his usual indifference. “Do what you want — you’ll do it your way anyway,” he said, “but don’t expect me to wait for your return. You know - I am always at your disposal, why now you do not answer in kind? " I understood that his arguments were meaningless, but they made me feel that I was acting too selfishly. I gave up classes. LIZ.

I wanted to spend Christmas traveling with my wife - we have been looking forward to this event for several months. I called my mom to say that we finally bought tickets, but she immediately burst into tears: “But what about Christmas dinner? You know that on holidays we always get together. If you don’t come, you’ll ruin everyone’s Christmas. How can you treat me like that? How many Christmas holidays do you think I have left? " Naturally, I gave up. My wife will kill me when she finds out about this, but I will not be able to enjoy the holidays if I am gnawing on wine. VOLUME.

I went to my boss to ask for help or postpone the completion of a large project. As soon as I mentioned that I needed help, he began to process me. “I know how every day you want to get home as quickly as possible,” he said. - But even if now the family would like to see you more often, they will be happy with the promotion that we have planned for you. Our team needs a player who can demonstrate true dedication to this mission; this is the role you play. But so be it. Spend more time with your family, but consider that if this is more important to you than work, we can reconsider our plans for you. " I felt completely destroyed. Now I don’t know what to do. KIM.

What's happening? Why do some people make us think, “I lost again. I constantly accept someone's conditions. I didn't say what I had to say. Why can't I prove anything to anyone? How is it that I can't stand up for myself? " We know we've been tricked. We feel frustrated and outraged, realizing that we gave in to some person, only so as not to offend him. However, we do not know what to do to prevent this from happening again. Why do some people manage to impose their point of view on us with the help of emotions and still leave us feeling defeated?

The people we encounter in situations that are hopeless for us skillfully manipulate our emotional state... They wrap us in a comforting veil of love, if they get what they want, but when they don't get their way, they often begin to threaten, leaving a feeling of guilt and self-deprecation. It may seem that they, without realizing it, are using certain methods. By the way, many of them may appear to be kind, long-suffering individuals who do not resort to threats under any circumstances.

Usually it is one person - a partner, parent, friend, brother or sister - who constantly manipulates us to such an extent that we even forget that we are independent, adults. While we may be successful in other areas, with these people we feel constrained and defenseless. They easily lead us around the finger.

Here's an example of my client Sarah, a court reporter. Sarah, a cheerful brunette in her 30s, has been dating her peer Frank for almost a year. Everything was going well until the wedding was discussed. According to Sarah, Frank's attitude towards her changed dramatically, as if he wanted to test her. This became apparent when Frank invited Sarah to spend the weekend with him at his mountain cottage. “When we arrived, it turned out that the whole cottage was covered with tarpaulins, everywhere there were cans of paint. He handed me a brush. I didn't know what to do, so I started painting. " They worked, almost without speaking, all day, and when they finally sat down to rest, Frank took out an engagement ring with a huge diamond. Sarah asked him what this meant, and he replied that he wanted to test her and make sure that after the wedding, he did not have to do everything himself. Of course, this did not end there.

We set a date for the wedding, agreed on everything, but our relationship went from one extreme to another. Frank continued to give me gifts, but the trials did not stop. One day I didn’t agree to sit with his sister’s children on the weekend, and Frank said that I had no sense of family and so he might need to cancel the wedding. And when I talked about expanding my business, it meant that I was not devoted enough to him. Naturally, I stopped talking about it. All this dragged on endlessly, and I was constantly giving in to Frank. But she kept telling herself what he was good guy and maybe it’s because he’s just afraid of the wedding and wants to feel more confident.

Frank's threats sounded calm and nonetheless extremely effective, as they were interspersed with periods of intimacy that were alluring enough to hide what he really wanted. And like many of us, Sarah came back to him over and over again.

She succumbed to Frank's manipulations, because it was important for her not to allow a quarrel, because there was a lot at stake. Like most of us, Sarah felt hurt and irritated, justifying her surrender with a desire to maintain good relations.

In such situations, we focus on the needs of others at the expense of our own and calm down, feeling the temporary illusion of security created by our concessions. We avoided conflict, confrontation and gained the opportunity to build healthy relationships.

Such unpleasant misunderstandings are the most common cause of disagreement in almost all types of relationships, but they are rarely recognized and almost always misinterpreted. These manipulations are often called misunderstanding. We say to ourselves: "I operate with feelings, and he is with reason" or "She has a completely different mindset." But in reality, the source of disagreement lies not in different types of communication, but in the fact that one person gets his way at the expense of another. This is more than a simple misunderstanding - it is a struggle.

Over the years, I have searched for a way to describe this struggle and the painful relationship it leads to. I found that almost everyone understands my words when I say that we are dealing with ordinary blackmail in its purest form - blackmail with the help of subjective experiences, or emotional blackmail.

I understand that the word "blackmail" immediately brings to mind an ominous image of crime, horror and extortion. It is, of course, difficult to think of a husband, parent, boss, family member, or children as criminals. However, I came to the conclusion that blackmail Is the only term that accurately describes what is happening. However, the very harshness of the word will help clear away the confusion and misunderstandings that are present in so many ways, which in turn will lead us to clarity.

Let me assure you that emotional blackmail in intimate relationships does not in itself mean that they are doomed to destruction. It just makes it clear that we need to honestly acknowledge and correct the behaviors that hurt us, putting a stronger foundation for these relationships.

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL CHANTAGE

Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which loved ones, directly or indirectly, threaten us with trouble if we don't do what they want. At the heart of any kind of blackmail is one core threat that blackmailers express different ways and which sounds like this: if you don’t behave the way I want, you will regret it. A criminal blackmailer can demand money from us, otherwise he threatens that he will use some information to destroy our reputation. The emotional blackmailer knows how much we value the relationship with him. He sees our weaknesses and innermost secrets. And no matter how much he loves us, the emotional blackmailer uses this knowledge to achieve what he needs: our submission.

Susan Forward

Toxic parents

“Of course, my father beat me, but in order to set me on the right path. I don't understand what this has to do with my marriage collapsing. "... Gordon, a successful orthopedic surgeon, came to see me when his wife left him after six years of marriage. He desperately tried to get her back, but she told him to forget about it until he underwent therapy and changed his uncontrollable temperament. Gordon's sudden outbursts of rage frightened her, and in addition, he exhausted her with his constant and merciless criticism. He recognized an angry temperament and obsessive criticism, but the fact that his wife left him horrified him.

I asked Gordon to tell about myself, helping him with leading questions. When I asked about his parents, he smiled and painted me a rosy picture, especially as regards his father, a famous cardiologist: “Without him, I would never have become what I have become. He is the best, and patients generally consider him a saint. "... When I asked what his current relationship with his father was, Gordon laughed nervously and said: “They were wonderful ... until I told him that I would like to try holism. He reacted as if I were going to try to become a murderer. About three months ago, I told him about holism, and now every time we talk, he starts yelling that he didn't send me to medical school so that I would eventually become a "healer." And yesterday he became intolerable altogether. He got so excited that he said that I could say goodbye to my parents, and this upset me very much. I don't know ... maybe the idea of ​​holism is really not the best one. ".

I noticed that when describing his father, who turned out to be far from being as beautiful as they tried to show me at first, Gordon nervously twisted and then unwound his fingers. When he realized that I was seeing this, he managed to restrain his movements by connecting the pads of his fingers with a "professorial" gesture, which he probably adopted from his father.

I asked him if his father always behaved like a tyrant. "No, really, no" He replied. “I want to say that he yelled at me and sometimes put his hand, as happens with all children. I would not say that he was a tyrant "... Something in his tone, with which he said “put his hand,” a slight change in the timbre of his voice made me wary, and I began to insist on details. It turned out that Gordon's father "put his hand", and with a belt, two or three times a week! In order to give a reason for punishment, not much was needed: a harsh word, grades that did not suit the parent, or a forgotten “duty” were already a sufficient “crime”. Father Gordon also didn't care much about the form of punishment. Gordon remembered that he had hit him on the back, on the legs and arms, on the buttocks. I asked if his father had injured him.

Gordon: Never before bleeding, I want to say that nothing special has been done to me. I needed to be obedient.

Susan: But you were afraid of him, weren't you?

Gordon: Deadly, but that's always the case with parents, right?

Susan: Gordon, do you want your kids to feel the same way about you?

(He looked away. He felt extremely uncomfortable. I pulled my chair closer.)

Susan: Your wife is a pediatrician. What do you think, if at her reception she saw the same marks on your child that your father left on your body when he “applied his hand,” shouldn't she immediately report this to the police?

No answer was needed. Gordon's eyes filled with tears and he whispered: "I have something terribly twisting in my stomach."... Gordon's defenses could not stand, and for the first time, with terrible emotional pain, he realized where the primary source of his bad character, which had remained in the shadows for so long, was. From childhood he had suppressed a volcano of rage against his father, and now, when the tension became too strong, he rushed at those who were at hand, and most often at his wife. I realized that we needed to acknowledge existence and heal the downtrodden little boy who lived inside Gordon.

That evening, already at home, I continued to think about Gordon, how his eyes filled with tears when he realized that he had been abused as a child. I thought of the thousands of adult men and women I have worked with, whose lives were still influenced, if not controlled, by the attitudes of childhood destructive parents. I realized that there are still millions of such people who do not know why their life still doesn’t work out, and who can be helped. And then I decided to write this book.

Why is it necessary to look back?

Gordon's story was not out of the ordinary. In my eighteen years of psychotherapy work in my private clinic and in therapy groups in the hospital, I have consulted thousands of people, most of whom suffered enormous damage to their self-esteem when one of the parents, or both, regularly beat them, or criticized them, or “ joked about how stupid, physically ugly, or unwanted children they were, or put the blame on them for everything in the world, or subjected them to sexual abuse, or forced them to take too much responsibility, or did not allow them to step unsupervised and permanent guardianship. Like Gordon, few of these people associated problems in their lives with their parents. This is usually an emotionally blind spot. It is simply very difficult for people to admit that their relationship with their parents has such a powerful impact on their lives.

Therapy, which previously focused on the first experience, has now moved away from then to focus on the here and now. Attention is paid mainly to the analysis and change of real behavior, ways of interaction in actual relationships. I think that this change was due to the fact that people were rejected by the enormous waste of time and money that is characteristic of traditional therapy, often with minimal results.

I truly believe in short term therapies that focus on destructive behavioral change. But my experience has taught me that dealing with symptoms is not enough; the sources of these symptoms must also be addressed. Therapy becomes more effective when it follows simultaneously in two directions: to change negative patterns of behavior in the present and at the same time to break with the trauma of the past.

Gordon needed to learn the techniques of controlling his own rage, but in order for the changes to become permanent and resistant to stressful situations, he needed to go back and face the pain of his childhood.

Our parents sow mental and emotional seeds in us, and these seeds germinate in us. In some families, these are the seeds of love, respect, and independence. But in many other families, seeds of fear, debt and guilt are sown. If you are from these “other” families, then this book is for you. When you grew up, those invisible seeds sprouted and became a weed, flooding your life in a way you never thought possible. Surely these weeds have wreaked havoc on your relationship, your career, or your family; no doubt they have undermined your self-confidence and your self-esteem. I want to help you recognize and weed them out.

Who are toxic parents?

All parents make mistakes. I myself have made terrible mistakes with my children, causing them (and myself) immense pain. No father and no mother can always be in emotional closeness with children. Sometimes the parents will yell at the children, and sometimes (but very, very rarely) they will hit the child. Do these mistakes make all parents cruel and unrepresentable? Obviously not. After all, parents are human and they have a lot of problems. And most children can safely endure a fit of parental anger, provided that they also usually receive love and understanding from their parents to counterbalance bad moments.

However, there are many parents whose negative behaviors are unchanged and turned into a source of constant influence on the child's life. These are the parents we call toxic, these are the parents who harm the child.

As I searched for a definition of what these harming parents have in common, the thought of poison constantly crossed my mind. As a chemical toxin, the emotional pain inflicted by such parents pervades the child's entire being, and as the child matures, so does the pain. Nothing more accurate than the word “toxic” occurs to me to define the “same” parents who continually traumatize their children, abuse and humiliate them, and who continue to do so even when their children become adults. As for the "constancy" and "continuity" in the behavior of such parents, there are exceptions. At the level of sexual and physical abuse, the consequences can be so traumatic that one episode is enough to cause tremendous emotional harm to the child.